Original subtitles

Guys! Guys! Hey!

There is a full on race riot going on downtown.

- We've gotta move. - Holy [bleep]!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

No shooting! No shooting!

Shields! Quiet down!

Alright, let's move! Move out!

Oh, man she tricked me!

It was a trick!

Pow!

Whoa! Aah!

Alright. Okay...

Get back in the building! No loitering!

'Sad news today.'

Uh, does everybody remember deputy Buzz?

He used to stand in the back, right over there?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah.

He, uh...

- He died. - Oh, no.

- He did not. - Yeah.

He had a rough, uh, couple of years back to back.

You know, how the missus had left him.

He moved up to Truckee. That's the last I heard.

No, he was living in his truck.

He lived in-in a truck.

'He wanted to sound big and sound fancy'

so he said I'm living up in Truckee, but...

Let's be dignified about this.

Holy [bleep].

- Oh, man. - Yikes!

- Smells like balls. - Smells like taco balls.

It does smell like taco balls.

Uh-oh. Old Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! up here.

Oh, man. Oh, Buzz.

Oh!

- Now, that's not a popsickle... - Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You're into that?

You're not?

Well, you know what I'm into.

Yeah, but...

- Oh! - Oh, yes!

Asian fever pornographic playing cards.

- I'll take those. - Okey-doke.

- Should we say something? - Say.

We should say something, don't you think?

Deputy Buzz...

...we stand here with all your pornography...

...your copy of "Chubby Chaser" magazine

your squirrel hunting shirt

and we, it reminds us of our own mortality

'and we know that'

'these are the days of our lives.'

Oh, that's probably the keys to his old truck

he was livin' in.

I guess we should, uh...

...put things in order out there, huh?

He'd want it that way. Yup.

You got all the pornography outta here?

Just close the window on old Buzz here.

Bye-bye, buddy.

Well, we still have to get that stuff out for dry cleaning.

'Did we close it?'

- This stuff? - 'Yeah.'

- Dry cleanin'? - 'Yeah.'

We're gonna re-use his uniform?

'Yeah. That's what we always do.'

'Always.'

'Unless it's got a bullet hole, we use it again.'

'That's the policy.'

Oh, hey, guy.

- Hey, Trudy. - Looks like I'm early.

You are a little bit, oh, good, you can help me out.

- Yeah, I'd love to. - That's great.

Could you... I'd really appreciate it, actually

if you could just grab my balls.

I wanted to do a little ball work in class today.

I have them in the back, well, I can, maybe

get the babies set up.

Oh, I go in the back and get your balls.

- The birthing balls. - The birth balls.

Okay, sure. Sure.

You look great. You got a nice glow about you.

- I do? - Yeah, you do.

Thanks.

You wanna feel?

Well, I never say no to that.

- He's kicking. - Is he?

Yeah. Feel.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - It's-it's actually lower.

- He sits lower. - Hi, ladies.

- Here. - Uh-huh.

It's really low, for some reason, he's kicking

really low today. It's almost--yeah.

Like he's actually moving his way through your--

- You feel that? - I do feel that.

My milk hasn't dropped yet. I don't know.

Is it, can you, if there's

is there a massage you can do to get them to drop?

There is. There's like a, there's a certain...

Just-just on top. A little.

You can go into the chest.

And actually, what's really good is to turn out

and get the bulb of the breast.

Just weigh, just like, just-just intend...

Just-just kind of-kind of a circular motion.

- Right. - That's good right there.

'And then just with the thumbs.'

- 'Right.' - 'Just like that.'

'And it just helps circulate, and it helps'

'it helps generate more milk.'

Right. I'm circulating. I'm definitely circulating.

Yeah, good. Good.

Uh, alright, well, let's, uh...

'I don't hear any breathing.'

I wanna hear some breathing

when you guys are coming into class, alright?

- Let's get to work. - Whoo!

Oh, God, that's sad. This is where he was living?

Yup. Welcome to the love mobile. Beautiful home.

In a cube truck?

Lifetime of law enforcement.

Oh!

'Shut it! Shut it!'

Jeez, it's just and dead dog and beer.

That's the life, huh?

This is it. This is everything he left, huh?

- Who wants the truck? - I say Trudy.

- Not it! - Not it!

- Trudy might want it. - 'Trudy.'

'Trudy. You got it, Trudy.'

Whoo-hoo!

Can't say you didn't never win anything.

'Hold your nose. Hold your nose.'

'Oh, my God.'

More and more kids are throwing around the word

"Pimping" today.

"Pimp my ride"

or "Hey, that's pimped out."

Real pimps are danger...

...usually addicted to dangerous drugs

and keep their prostitutes in submission

through violence.

And, no, they don't dress cool.

The only outfit a real pimp is ever

guaranteed in life is this one.

Think about it.

Holy [bleep].

I call the jet ski.

No! No! No! No calling it.

- I feel like I called it first. - Hey. Hey. Hey. Step back.

Okay, can-can I go on record right this second

and say that, uh, Matt Buzz is one of my kids daddies?

- He was white. - Yeah.

I know. One of my kids is mixed.

No.

How about we auction it off for charity?

How about you shut up, [bleep].

You gotta be kidding, right?

- Go to hell. - Okay!

Here's what we'll do.

Everyone, I'm thinking of a--

Seven!

- I was gonna say color. - 'Blue!'

- Let's cut cards. - That'd be much better.

That'd be much better, actually.

This settles it. Who ever gets the highest card.

Agreed. This is a fair way.

- 'Hey, let's go.' - 'Do it.'

Don't jump like a bunch of rats.

- 'Clear the cards!' - 'Get off!'

Don't [bleep] hit me.

You took mine! You tried to take mine!

Eight.

I'm out. I got a four.

I got a sticky five.

Eight at eight. Can you beat it?

Ten.

- 'He won!' - I got an ace.

- . Let's see it. - 'No way!'

- Holy [bleep]. - Son of a bitch.

No way! She didn't even know Matt Buzz.

She shouldn't have even gotten to draw

because she didn't know Buzz.

Kimball gets first draw on the re-shuffle.

No! Uh-uh! No! I won it fair and square!

We said we all agreed!

No ifs, ands, or buts!

We all agreed that it would settle it!

- Did we? - Yes, we did.

- I don't remember. - Yes, we did.

- I don't remember that. - Oh, screw all y'all.

Are you calling my best friend Kimball a liar?

'You're a beautiful woman and you look good.'

Bite me! Bite me!

Hey! Hey! Somebody! Hey! Hey!

Well, I love the jet ski.

Um, I feel like it's given me a new lease on life.

I might start making all kinds of changes.

After having...

...sped across the glassy waters.

Are you saying it's gonna make you come out as a lesbian?

- No, sir, I am not. - That was code for that.

- No, it is not. - Yes, it was.

It was code for that she's gonna come out as a lesbian.

I have no problem with it. I'm all for it, in fact.

Yeah, I think I'll just ride that jet ski from gay bar

to gay bar, and pick up all my lesbian...

Well, that's what I was gonna do if I got it.

And I think I might have sex with a goat, too

because, apparently, yeah I like bestiality

because I don't walk around in little skirts

and high heels all the time.

You immediately compare gay sex to bestiality.

- I did not. - A lot of people do that.

That's a really interesting fact.

It's a slippery slope.

Apparently, you slide off of it from gay sex

and you end up with your, with your penis in an animal.

Well, they were doing a toys for guns program.

There it is. There it is.

Here we go, where you, uh

you turn in your gun, and you get a toy.

So anyway, we sent out Trudy to pick up the boxes full of guns.

She did, came back to the station.

- No boxes of guns. - Yeah.

- Bingo. - Yup.

Son of a bitch. Here's what you did.

'I'm Trudy, okay?'

Uh, sets it on the thing.

Gets in, pulls out.

I've done it with a coffee cup sometimes.

Hah! Bingo.

- Ooh, nice one, too. - 'What type?'

Little Beretta.

What's that, a luger?

- A lot of stars out tonight. - Oh, beautiful.

Now, which-which one did you say was on your ass from the spork?

Okay, the spork scar on my ass looks like Orion

who is the hunter.

I do not see what you're talking about.

Right there. You can't see his belt, his quiver.

And his boots, and there's north?

There's the jackalope right there.

- The what? - The jackalope.

The jackalope's not a constellation.

- The jackalope? - Jackalope. Right there.

Is that a hillbilly constellation?

It's a constellation.

It's a hillbilly constellation.

It's a mythical creature. Don't blame...

This is something that hillbillies

make up when they're high. There is no jackalope...

As opposed to the hunter, with his, with his shiver

and his zipper over there...

His quiver.

- His quiver. - He can't move.

Of course, he can't move. He's a constellation.

Operation "Let's do this" is in order.

Let's go.

Wait. Just, let's just go.

How you doin', fellas?

Say what you want.

People today are getting dumber and dumber and...

Sorry. Sorry.

Okay.

What the hell you gonna do with that?

I'm makin' a gun papoose.

- That's Indian? - Watch and...

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Okay, that one's loaded.

That goes in the back of the pants.

This is the sort of things we learned in the scouts.

Why didn't you just remember your [bleep] knapsack?

Be prepared, I thought you boys said.

But when you can't be prepared

be prepared to make a papoose.

I come with my great papoose

of iron swiftness.

You look incredibly majestic.

Thank you.

Good God!

I hope you get the whole Malibu Barbie

dream house for this, at least, right?

What's wrong?

'You're gloating.'

Do you feel like you have some power?

Mm-hmm. No!

I feel that I don't have power

I feel like I have a jet ski.

I feel like I'm awesome.

If something happens to you...

...I get the jet ski.

I'm number two, okay?

What do you mean, if something happens to me?

If something happens to me, I think Dangle's next in line.

Well, guess what? I'm tough.

Okay? I'm a survivor.

Process that.

Big boy.

Lucky lady.

- Good idea. - 'Would that be me?'

- Huh? - Would that be me?

Somebody's got a jet ski. Somebody's a lucky lady.

'It's a little wet on the bottom.'

- Alright. - 'She looks tan to me.'

- It makes me sick. - Little bitch looks healthy.

Oh, yeah. Throwin' it up in everybody's face.

"I got the jet ski! I got the jet ski!"

- 'She didn't even know Buzz.' - No!

'Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.'

- Oh, my! - 'Holy [bleep]! Holy [bleep]!'

- 'What-what happened?' - He shot me in the hand!

What does it look like? He shot me!

No, I didn't shoot her. Well, hold on. Don't do that.

- Don't do that! - What'd you do?!

- Jimmy, hold on. - 'Did you want it that bad?!'

- 'You shot her?' - No, I slipped...

No, hold on. I slipped.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Put it up! - You better stop.

Right before we left this room

he said if something should happen to you

he would get the jet ski.

Hold on! Who had the box first?!

Are you saying we rigged the box to shoot Kimball?

You told us it was wet.

We didn't, if that's what you're thinking.

You said the box was heavy and it was wet!

You couldn't do that! It couldn't be done!

It's impossible!

You [bleep] shot her, I get the jet ski!

You shot her! I get the jet ski!

Just lock him up.

Be careful out there.

Well, wait a minute. I just pulled my gun out.

Now, everybody, it's-it's over?

Why should Jones not get the jet ski?

Okay, this is gonna sound racist.

I'm gonna try to think of way to make this not sound racist.

Blacks don't swim.

Ah! That's exactly what I was trying to think of a way to...

They don't. They don't.

No. They're like cats.

Hello.

Can I see your driver's license?

How dare you, sir?

How dare you pull me over while I'm trying to drive?!

Flashing your lights, blaring your siren.

You're gonna run someone off the road.

- Okay, how dare you? - How dare me?

How dare you? Do you know who I am?

No, ma'am, we don't know who you are.

That's why we're asking for your license.

- Ma'am, you were... - This is ridiculous.

I don't have a driver's license. I'm from New York.

Samantha thought it would be so cute

and so kitsch to have her wedding in Reno.

Well, it is not cute, and it is not kitsch!

It is a fouled up nightmare, and I just want...

- Calm down. - Listen.

I just don't understand

why I'm always the bridesmaid

and never the bride!

- Don't you touch me. - How dare you.

Are you getting all this? I hope you're getting all this.

- Don't talk to him. - Wait till you meet my lawyer.

You're gonna love him, buddy. Go ahead, touch me.

Ah! Don't you dare. Aah!

Ah! Ah! Rape! Rape! Rape!

No rape! No rape!

Jones, can I talk to you. Stay right there, ma'am.

- You stay. - Shush, ma'am.

Keep quiet.

Is she the--what the hell? Hey!

'Hey! What're you doing?'

'Oh, my [bleep]!'

'Oh, my God.'

- 'You alright, Jones?' - 'Oh, my God.'

'Uh, 11 Daniel 35. We got a...'

'...we got a cameraman down.'

What the hell? What the hell?

- 'What did you do?!' - Oh, my gosh.

- Son of a bitch. - 'What happened?'

'[bleep] what the hell?'

What the [bleep]?! Fire!

'It's not worth it! Stop it!'

What the hell? Why?! Why?!

Calm down. Calm down. I did it.

'Why?'

You [bleep] did that?

This thing was tearing us apart.

Like, before we had this thing...

...I don't know if we were friends

but... we were cordial.

You know?

We wasn't yellin' at each other

and pointin' guns at each other.

This thing was like a, like a evil cursed treasure

and I think it killed Buzz, too.

'This thing was gonna kill every one of us'

and it was gonna kill our love, and we don't need a jet ski

'cause we got each other.

I did it.

Beat me up if you want to. Shoot me in the foot.

I don't give a [bleep], but I did the right thing.

- He's absolutely right. - I love you, guys!

- 'I love you, too.' - 'We don't need a jet ski!'

- 'We don't need it!' - 'We don't need it.'

What's more important...

'Than friends, right?'

Or, at least...

Cordial coworkers.

'Ninety percent civil.'

'I think we should probably walk away'

''cause there's still about half a tank of gas in the thing.'

Yeah, get away. Get away. Get away. Get away.

That jet ski was tearing us apart.

We were like a beautiful family with only one last piece

of pizza on the table, and we were gonna kill each other

for that pizza, and I'm-I'm glad it's gone.

I think, uh, destroyin' it was the right thing.

If we're like a family that would kill each other for pizza

that's really [bleep] up, and you know what the weird thing is?

I think we are that family.

Yeah, I ain't sayin' we're a great family.

'No, we're a [bleep] up family.'

- Manson was a family. - Right.

And we would kill each other for pizza.

And then we'd rape the dead one.

Even if we weren't hungry. Or horny.

There they are.

Here we go.

What? What? What?

Look what we found.

who do you think that is out there, huh?

Yee-whoo!

- After that big speech? - I fell for that.

What the [bleep]? I did, too.

This is what happens when you trust a [bleep] hillbilly.

'Right in front of our faces.'

Say the word lieutenant. Say the word.

'Bring it in!'

Get him. Get him. Get him.

How you doin', Judas?

I did this for us.

You think I'm having a good time doing this?

No. I'm taking one for the team

because this thing was tearing us apart.

Give it a [bleep] rest. You already gave the speech.

- Mm-hmm. - Alright.

You want a jet ski?

Free jet ski. It's yours.

- It's cursed. - No, it ain't cursed.

The throttle sticks a little bit, but it ain't cursed...

No, it ain't cursed. It ain't cursed.

I just loss the use of my left hand.

Ship out, it's yours.

The throttle does stick a little bit.

'Happy?'

I think it's more important that none of us is happy.

We're all equally less happy.

- Yes, you got that right. - Yes.

Great, one for all, and all for one.

Everybody should be unhappy here.

As long as we're the same level of unhappy

- I think it's fine. - Fine.

'Just be careful! No, don't run it too hard!'

'The throttle does stick!'

Is he alright?

- 'Oh.' - 'Oh!'

'Scramble. Scramble. Scramble. Scramble.'

- Fire department, right? - Yeah, Fire department.

- Fire department. - Scramble. Go. Go. Go.

I don't want you to suck it out.

I want to go to a doctor.

You wanna go to a doctor, or you want me to suck it out?

Just for fun, I'm gonna call the paramedics.

- They're about 50 yards away. - I'm happy to suck it out.

I don't want you to suck it out. I want...

Why not call the paramedics?

Call 'em, but I'm gonna suck it out either way.

- Somebody call 911. - Call-call-call the paramedics.

By the time they get here, it's gonna be sucked out.

That's only if you suck it out.

Here's what you do. You don't want it right now

but you're gonna be happy when it's out.