Original subtitles

We take you now live for a statement

from a representative for the Reno Sheriff's Department.

'Ding! Basement.'

- 'Uh, criminal record.' - Criminal record.

- 'Fingerprints. Evidence.' - Underwear.

- 'Underpants.' - Licorice for the lady folk.

- 'Alright, goin' up.' - Next floor. Artichokes.

Artichokes, porcupines, antelopes.

- Ding - Ding.

They'll tell us when we're on, right?

Yeah.

- Whoo! - 'Come here.'

- What? - Nothin'. Oh.

Whoa!

Go, go, go!

Say what? Ho, ho, ho!

Oh.

'Morning, gang.'

- 'Hey.' - Morning.

Uh, I have something I'd like to...

...say if I might.

Kimball.

Uh, I don't appreciate certain...

...certain, uh, photographic material

that's being inserted into my locker...

'From a certain, uh, catalog...'

...of women in their underwear...

'...with little bubbles comin' out of their mouths.'

I like [bleep].

Did you get the one I put in there

with the guy and I drew a big penis on him

and "I have elephantitis?"

That is just ridiculous.

I'm sorry. I'm takin' a bathroom break.

Is she, is she a lesbian or not?

I'm gonna say yes.

I usually get a really good read on someone

usually I can say, "You know what? She wants it."

I feel like if I were to pull down her pants--

- 'Shh, shh, shh.' - 'Uh-n-n-n.'

'Aa, la, la, la.'

♪ London bridge is falling down ♪

Kimball, are you a lesbian?

No.

Kiss Junior if you're not a lesbian.

- 'Hey!' - Hey!

- 'Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!' - 'Do it! Do it!'

No, I'm not gonna kiss Junior.

- 'Do it. Do it.' - Don't...

No one remembers last year's sexual harassment suits? No one.

- No. But this isn't-- - $72,000.

It was taken out of my check

every [bleep] damn week.

- 'Nobody remembers that?' - Just how the last one started.

'Have you seen where he lives?'

- Just how the last one started. - 'Have you...'

It's different if he, she doesn't have to make her do it.

If you're not a lesbian, kiss him.

- 'That's not...' - Oh! Oh!

- No! No, no! - On his lips!

On the lips! On the lips!

- On the lips! On the lips! - 'Ho, ho, ho. Ho!'

- 'Okay, okay.' - Oh.

I hate when I have to get it out.

Why are you gonna make me go for the Beretta?

Suck his [bleep]! Suck his [bleep]!

'Can we please unplug her feeding tube?'

Buenos noches, Pedro.

- Hi, Terry. - 'Hey, Terry.'

Whoo-whoo!

'You wanna know why we're here?'

Why, is there a fight?

- No, there's not a fight yet. - Yeah, they...

Terry we got a call that, uh

'somebody, an employee here'

'was turnin' tricks up on the roof.'

- No way. - Yeah.

- Yes way. - Yeah way.

That's no, not cool.

- Well, what's not cool... - You know anything about that?

- You know anything about it? - No.

I'm afraid of roofs, so it wasn't me.

I'm allergic to 'em.

- You're allergic to roofs? - I'm allergic to roofs.

- Uh-huh. - 'You can ask my doctor.'

How does that manifest itself? How are you allergic to roofs?

If look at them, I throw up.

You know what I'm allergic to? Lies.

We had a description about a gentleman of your height

your stature, with a little hat.

What did they have... What was the person's name?

Well, I guess, you know, it might rhyme

with Mary or Harry.

My name isn't Mary or Harry.

My name is...

♪ Terry ♪

- Well, hold on, Terry. - What?

There's something I wanna say, okay?

- What? - Listen. You know what?

You're misunderstood, okay?

- I'm totally misunderstood. - You-You're misunderstood.

And, um, I wanted to know

what if you and I were to...

...go up on the roof?

How much would you...

...would you... I mean, how much would it be?

For...

For what?

If I wanted to get like a little bit of...

...[bleep].

How much would it be?

Five dollars.

- Terry, I'm a cop. - What?

I'm holding your hand. And I'm, I'm a cop--

- I said $5 for the taco. - You, you just...

You just solicited a sexual ass , you know.

Ouch. What are you guys doing?

Tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos is self-served tonight

ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about that, Pedro.

Call the police. I'm being arrested by the police.

Step down from the vehicle, sir.

- I'm comin' out! I'm comin'... - Both hands.

- I wanna see both hands. - I ain't got nothin'.

Now put your hands up against the vehicle, sir.

- Yeah? - Hands up. That's right.

Where I can see them. Alright.

- You just stay put there, sir. - Suck it!

Oh, pumpkin.

Oh, little pumpkin.

We're gonna play Memoirs Of A Geisha now. Huh?

Okey-doke. So we're doin' a little stakeout here today

for a Lucky Mike Dennehy, who is a counterfeiter.

- Specializes in $5 bills. - Five's and two's.

Word on the street is he comes in to get a schmitz

here at Reno Therapeutic Massage and Spa.

And, uh, we're gonna...

...stake him out.

I don't think I ever had a schmitz.

- What is a schmitz? - I've been in the sauna.

- Is that like a Brazilian-- - It's like a Jew sauna.

This is a very big trend... you know.

Guys getting waxed and massaged.

Mm-hmm.

- Metrosexual, they call it. - Yes, that is.

- Metrosexual. - Mm-hmm.

- 'Oh, my God.' - 'Oh! Okay.'

- 'There he is.' - 'That's him. That's him.'

'Ooh.'

'Okay, this is 2-Bombshell-17.'

'We are in hot pursuit of a 'Champagne Cadillac.''

!

Hello. Hey. Hey!

Hey!

This is Officer Bob.

Hello.

No, he can't talk. He's a mannequin.

He's a mannequin that we use to deter people from speeding.

You just set him in a car.

It's a ancient Chinese cop secret.

I come here and I lunch with Officer Bob

as often as I can.

It's just like a little... For me it's like a vacation.

Uh-oh, Bob. Turkey.

We have this thing. I go, "Turkey"

and we both go, "Turkey again?"

Sometimes we play this game.

I never...

...made out with a mannequin.

I have to drink because I have...

Just three more miles to the station.

Oh, God.

Oh!

- Sheriff's Department. - Sheriff's Department!

Sheriff's Department!

- Have a nice day. - Have a nice day.

Sheriff's Department!

- Oh, guys, hi. They're here. - Oh! Hi, there.

I'm sorry, listen, I wasn't sure whether I should call you

or not, I'm afraid this might be a big "Never mind."

- I'm sorry. - Okay, well...

Why don't you just tell us why you initially called.

Well, I called because a guy...

A young fellow came by

a little bit earlier today, and I guess he was in a hurry

or whatever, because when I answered the door

he just kind of pushed his way right on in.

And he ran... He was in a hurry to get into the house.

And I didn't know who he was and...

'Do you have a description?'

Any distinguishing characteristics?

He had... a hat...

but that covered his whole face. Uh...

So he was wearing a ski mask

in-in the middle of a, the hot weather.

- Yeah. - And you felt, uh, alarmed.

I suppose, that's why you called us.

Not really. I just wasn't sure, you know

and I was... because it hasn't happened before

and it was out of the ordinary.

But he did take q-quite a few things.

He was carrying a gun.

- Wait, what? - Oh, he had a gun?

Yeah. But he... No, but he...

Well, you guys have holsters and things.

I-I don't know that he had any other place to put it.

So he did... He just had it in his hand.

I mean, I... Look, what do I know?

But to me, this looks like

a breaking an entering and a theft.

- So... - She's a good cop.

But that's really, I have to say jumping to conclusions

because... you know, uh, he pushed me.

He did shove me.

Uh, he did take things, but I don't know

if you wanna call it... the...

I wouldn't use the 'T' word.

Sir, do you... I'm sorry to interrupt here

but do you or do you not wanna press charges against this...

I don't think so.

I don't think. I don't think that's appropriate.

- Okay, then. - But, uh, listen...

So I don't want you to press charges, although

if you see him with, he...

And he's with my daughter...

I would love to just get her back here.

Where are we, by the way?

Uh...

I think Virginia's...

...two blocks that way.

The sun is behind us

and it's moving... this way?

It's not moving this way.

- So we're headed... - We're headed East.

- Are you sure? - No.

I probably could've been a Park Ranger.

- Oh, that's the life, man. - You know...

The Crips never go camping.

No, Crips don't go camping. The Bloods don't go camping.

The Latin Kings don... None of those [bleep] camp.

You know who camps?

- Nice people. - Nice Germans.

- Nice Germans. - Friendly Germans.

Japanese folks. Little Japanese kids.

- Little... Yeah. - Which way did we say?

- Uh... - Airport's that way.

But the Catholic School is right there.

We're gonna have to run the gauntlet

and do the Catholic School, I guess. We'll say FBI.

Right.

- 'FBI!' - 'FBI!'

- 'Nothing to see here.' - 'Nothing to see. FBI.'

What's up, boys? How you doing?

S. Jones.

Today we are... visiting a known serial killer.

A very dangerous man.

Hello.

Hello.

I wanna know about Cindy Wong, okay?

Look at you, asking questions.

Boy, you the man now, ain't you?

'Come a long way, haven't you?'

Well...

I always have been the man. You just never knew.

'Oh, yeah. Yeah. You've always been the man.'

Yeah.

'Were you the man in the hood?'

'Back in the old days. Huh?'

'Those broken and desperate streets.'

Where you were hangin' with your homies, drinkin' bumpers

smokin' blunts, playin' stickball on streets

with cars with no hubcaps?

Just so you can bust and survive, you little bitch

just to scrape together a little cheddar

so you could bring a hambone to your mama?

Actually, I grew up in a, a real lame suburb

of Minnesota called Mound.

Pretty privileged, actually.

'Oh.'

- Really? - 'Yeah.'

'Oh.'

Cindy Wong.

Oh, yeah. I, uh, I buried her under the stairs.

'Cool. Alright. Thanks, man.'

We see him already.

Yeah, we see ya.

- 'Come on!' - Okay.

'Cool your cookies, sir. What's going on?'

- What's the matter? - Well, come on, man.

Someone stole all my assault rifles.

All my guns.

I had this 'Double Uzi.'

You guys ever seen 'ZZ Top,' that double guitar?

I had a 'Double Uzi.' It was sweet.

I had a Bazooka... Uh, sentimental value.

My grandpa gave it to me.

Now, let's start here.

Um, if we had the, um

the permits for all these rifles

and sawed-off shotguns, we might be able to find--

I make my own permits.

Sometimes you gotta shoot someone before the ten days...

'Have you, have you had to do that recently?'

- Have you had to shoot someone? - Hell, yeah!

People comin' around here. I got a drop tonight.

I got this, uh, Afghani hash comin' in.

And these, these old boys are gonna come around

try to get my stuff

and I'm gonna need at least, at least an Uzi.

You know that drugs are illegal, right?

No, no, no. It depends.

People need drugs for all different reasons.

Oh, so you have medical hashish.

Medical hashish, medical cocaine, medical acid.

I got it all, man.

'Where are you guys takin' me?'

We're gonna take you to find your sawed-off shotguns.

We're gonna find some guns and some drugs.

'Now we're talkin'.'

Find us one?

Alarm.

No. It's good. Go.

- Ha! - Looks clear.

Ha! Hot! Hot! Hot! Oh, my gosh! It's hot! Hot!

Hot. Alright. Okay.

Uh! What do you do? You got to get...

You snap off the steering column.

- Uh, okay. - Two wires.

- Yeah. - Yellow, red.

- Okay. - Connect 'em up at the top.

Okay. Ah. I can get in there now.

What if they're... What if they're blue and black?

No, that's wrong. They got to be yellow and red.

- But they're blue and black. - I might be thinking of stereo.

- Audio. - That's right and left.

- No, it's audio and... - Oh, that's RCA.

The yellow one's video.

Oh, [bleep].

- Uh, Jim... - What are you doin' in my car?

Oh. Hi.

Oh, God. Why are you naked?

I am so sick of things like this happenin' to me!

Whoa! [bleep]. Ho, ho, ho, Ho!

I'm sick of things like this happenin' to me!

!

who killed that other lady for her baby?

Sure I did, Mary.

Happened right...

...in her own home.

Which means today, more than ever

it's time for the Police Tek 2000 Body Guard

with a flick of the wrist...

...you unleash the power

of a professional police nightstick

made from heavy-duty al-ali-aluminum.

But I've never used a nightstick.

That's why it comes with this instructional DVD.

In just 40 minutes, you'll learn

all of the nightstick methods used by real police officers.

You'll learn patented moves

like the knee drop, the non-lethal hand and wrist

the close quarters groin, the close quarters face and eye

the non-lethal choke down, the lethal choke down

riot control, backhand face and groin, and L.A. Style.

Whoo. Sounds like I can finally start jogging again.

Or go to the park in a skirt or swimwear.

And just remember

to bring your big, black bodyguard.

Your Police Tek 2000 Body Guard.

Te habla espanol, tambien?

- No, sir. - Well...

You better aprende

some Espanol, 'cause we got

a lot of them spicks around here.

You know what I have to learn how to say...

...in Espanol?

I have to learn how to say that, right?

Freeze! How do you say "Freeze" in Espanol?

I know that "Ice" is hielo.

So maybe you can go

...uh, "Por favor..."

Say "Hazte hielo." "Make yourself ice."

That's a good one. "Se hazte hielo."

Say "hazte hielo."

Sounds like "Your ass is yellow."

Which is also meanin'...

- "You're a coward." - "You're a coward."

- So it has double meanin'. - Yeah.

Por favor, say ass a-yellow.

- Make yourself like ice. - "Make yourself like ice."

Por favor, se hazte hielo.

Go ahead. Yell it out. See what he says.

If I'd rolled down the window, he would've listened to me.

And now... Deputy and Lady.

Good morning, boys and girls.

We're very glad to be here.

'Isn't this exciting, Lady?'

I guess so.

You don't sound very happy.

What's wrong?

I'm not feeling very good about myself.

But why? You're so pretty.

'I know, but I'm also a dummy.'

And it turns out I'm stupid, too.

What do you mean?

I didn't graduate from high school.

Lady, no.

It's true.

I spent my senior year

makin' out with my boyfriend in his hearse all night.

Then I'd sleep all day and watch soap operas all afternoon.

Now I can't get a job frying French fries

'cause I don't have a high school diploma.

And the only job I can get

involves having yahoos like you with your hand up my skirt.

'So what advice would you have for the kids today?'

Don't drop out.

Drop in.

Truancy

is for dummies.

- You're sitting on my [bleep]. - Oh.

- Is that what that is? - Yeah.

- Nice day, though. - Oh, it's pretty nice.

- Oh, the force. - Hey, hey, hey.

Check it out. Clothes.

'Oh.'

Uh... hi.

Hello.

'Look at this. Look at, look at the butt cellulite.'

- Look at that. - 'She's 150.'

She shouldn't be wearing a bathing suit.

Excuse me.

'Wait a second. Wait a second.'

- Sasquatch. - I really appreciate it.

- Here's your helmet. - 'Thank you.'

- Well, thanks for the loaner. - Yeah, yeah.

Sasquatch. Thanks, bro.

Ladies.

'Hi.'

Here we go.

In you go. In you go.

Oh, little memoir...

Hey, sir.

You know what happened? I must've hit you back there.

'Why do I taste gold bonds?'

Yeah, sometimes, they say when you get a concussion

you taste or smell something strange.

- 'Gold bonds powder?' - Yeah.

- Gold bonded medicated powder. - 'Yeah.'

- Yeah. - 'I think, uh...'

Well, I'm going to pull over to...

- 'Real nice to meet you.' - Good seeing you.