Original subtitles

Uh, we have a hotline for tips

to the sheriff's department and mostly we get

prank calls to it, but today, we got an actual

tip leading us here to this, uh...

Little semi tractor hitch full of stolen property.

Hey, check this out.

Little tikki doll.

- 'Uh-uh, uh-uh.' - 'Tikki doll.'

'No, no, no, no, no.'

- That is voodoo. - It's not.

- It is. - 'She makes a point.'

Sometimes this kind of stuff

has like, a gris gris.

Travis, put it back.

'No, don't, I wouldn't mess with that.'

- No, no, no-- - 'No, I'm serious put...'

- 'Don't mess with it.' - 'Don't open it.'

It's not ancient juju anything. It's a lighter.

'Tikki lighter.'

Whoa!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Aah! Aah!

I told you, Travis!

'Swing him! Swing him!'

- Told me what? - Don't swing them!

Go, go, go!

So this little oriental girl who used to do our

fingerprinting decided to sue us

for creating, I guess, a "hostile work environment"

and, uh, she lost!

So the department considers us

40 grand in the black and look what we got!

- 'Check it.' - This is hot!

'This is 10,000 pounds'

if you're goin' to jail, .

This is like you, Jonesy...

You know?

'Got the bulletproof windshield?'

- Oh, do it. - 'No, no, no, no, no!'

No, no, we did not get that!

We did not get that. We didn't get the CD changer

the leather, or the bulletproof glass.

- Sorry. - We didn't get the CD changer?

Oh, it's Trudy. Give it a shot.

Hi, honey, you're not supposed to be over here

this is a restricted area.

Yeah, police personnel only.

Yeah, I'm sorry to...

- Hi. - Hey.

- How are you doin'? - How ya doin'?

- Good. - Sorry to impose.

- It's alright. - Hey.

Always willing to help a...

Fellow cyclist.

Looking for a James.

- 'James?' - I was looking for my dad.

Mom gave me this tag.

That's my coast guard tag.

You've been to Honolulu, right?

Only about 21 years ago, yeah.

I'm 21.

Oh, my God!

- Um... - Dad!

Wow! What a big, strong boy you are!

Wow! Wow!

Big, strong...

- I've been looking for... - Wow!

- This is crazy! - 'Jeez whiz.'

You don't look very much alike.

Oh, but you could see it in the mannerisms.

I mean, it's not like physical

but it's like facial gestures.

- Same body type-- - Smile. Smile.

Both of ya smile. See, look at that.

You know, they got DNA testin' places on

you know, every street corner, sadly.

Who's Your Dad? is over above that--

That's the one I've used a couple times.

The quickest one is Yo, Baby, Yo, in 24 hours

boom, it'll be a done deal.

Wow! Let's go get the test!

You got more than a hummer today, huh, lieutenant?

- Hey, what's your name? - Kahneh.

Jim.

Good lookin' fella, you are.

I didn't expect you to look the way you did.

'Looks kinda like Keanu Reeves and Kermit the frog'

'out on an adventure or somethin'.'

You know, I could've saved 'em the trouble from the DNA

test and just [bleep] that kid off in a cup

and we would have known right away.

I love these things. To me, the whole argument about...

You know, become more independent on oil is crazy

'cause if we use up all their oil, we win.

That's how we win.

Ya finish off a bank by takin' all the money out.

Beat them damn towel-heads by gettin' all their oil.

Exact or if you want-- You know, people say

"Oh, we should be usin' solar power or...

"We should be burnin' tea leaves, ya know

to-to to run the country with," ya know.

Let's chase the bad guys on a water wheel.

How's that space over there? Can you look?

Uh, it's pretty small.

- Alright, okay. - Okay, I'm good?

Alright, yeah.

- No! Stop it! - Okay, I'll stop it!

- Don't yell at me, Kimball. - I'm sorry, well...

Look, I told you, this space is too small.

- We're not gonna make it. - It's fine, the space is--

- We're not gonna make it! - I am gonna make it!

I'm only halfway in the spot! I'm gonna make it!

Boy, she handles like a dream, now don't she?

Listen to that engine.

Yeah, just like a dream.

You think you can do better? You want to

why don't you [bleep]. Do it.

Yeah, I think I'd like to do that.

- Do it, do it, come on. - Alright. Okay.

Aah!

Uh, Junior?

'It's good to have you on the show.'

Showtime.

'I'm happy that you could stop through'

'and be here. And...'

And, Mr. Freeman, just for you winning your Oscar this year

I would like to commend you

'cause it's a beautiful

clearly, I didn't know you and...

You and Jamie could win in the same year.

'And what? Hmm?'

'Ha-ha, you crazy, Morgan!'

'Morgan, you are crazy!'

- Yeah, I know. - 'Ah, how ya doin' there?'

Excuse me, how ya doin', sir?

- 'I'm good, excuse me.' - 'Excuse me.'

Excuse me, this is the Junior III show

and you are definitely standin' in front of Mr. Morgan Freeman.

If you can't, unless it's just 'cause he's black

you gonna act like that.

I apologize. I'm a big fan.

Sir, you can't have your couches...

It's not my couch. It's the show's.

It's a show. Could you please sit down.

'Enjoy, come on!'

'If you gonna talk to me formally'

security, you don't want that. You don't want that.

Now, I'm Junior III. How are you doing?

- Hello, my name is Trudy. - Trudy the what?

- Trudy the what? - Like Junior the third.

- 'The deputy.' - Trudy the deputy, I like that.

And how long have you been...

How long have you liked women?

'It's for the show.'

- For the show. - For the show?

I understand that you're doing a show here

and I think that's terrific--

Could y'all not could y'all pause

for station identification?

Sure.

With all due respect, we, and, Mr. Freeman

I love your work.

'He likes being called Morg Free.'

But we did get a phone call

from your agent.

Uh, that said there is a big movie...

Big movie. It's with Tom Hanks, Mr. Freeman.

And apparently, there's a role in it for you as well.

You know what's really weird? 'Cause y'all think I'm...

You tryin' to play me and you think I'm really crazy.

I know...

Ain't no Morgan right there.

I was pretendin' and y'all

obviously...

That was me practicin'.

Morgan gets here, Morgan gets here

in a little while.

Well, before we continue with our program today

I just wanted to make an announcement that

Jason Bumgardner has been disqualified

from the hoop shoot contest.

Right, and, thank you.

Um, uh, children

uh, there is an epidemic going around

especially with the girls

about being mean to one another, okay.

- 'Take the high ground.' - 'Here we go.'

She's gonna say something mean to me

and I'm gonna show you how you should react.

Go ahead. And, action.

Raineesha, I haven't seen you at the gym lately

but I have seen you on the discovery channel

with the other baboons shining your purple, huge asses.

Ha-ha, it's amazing that you have

so many illegitimate kids.

She has three and doesn't know

who the father is of any of them

and that's just a little--

Oh! Ow! Ow!

So it's father, son day

here at, uh, Chateau De Dangle.

I got some

sports item.

Gonna have a day of father fun monkey business.

Possibly father, son, possibly not.

Kahneh! Rise and shine!

Hey, dad.

'Hey, Kahneh.'

It's kinda hot out here.

Starting to sweat a little bit.

- Whoa! - 'Oh, dad!'

- I'm alright. - 'You okay?'

- Yeah. - 'Sorry, sorry.'

It's okay, my thumb-my thumb popped out for a second

and then I landed on my lighter on the way down.

♪ Check out check it check out ♪

Hey, you know, can I say something?

Say it.

Even if the DNA test comes back negative

and it turns out I'm not your pa...

...I want us still to be tight, okay?

Alright. Of course.

Maybe even tighter than before.

'Well, the hyenas have picked up your scent, Kahneh.'

Is he of drinking age?

'Ah, the new Wonderbras are out, huh?'

Yes, they are.

- Hey, there, ladies. - It's hotter than hell here.

- Are those margaritas? - 'Yup.'

How are you doing? All tan and everything.

I need a hug! I need a hug!

- Get over here! - Hey!

Oh! Whoa! Look at that!

- Oh, hey, now. - Look they dancing.

That's not baby dancin'.

Women their age have brittle bones, so be a little careful.

'Oh, stop.'

Sir!

- Is he hiding? - Apparently.

- 'Attraction is closed!' - Attraction is closed?

Hey, guess what? It's open again.

Peek-a-boo. That's right.

Peek-a-boo show at the fair, welcome.

Guess your weight. Guess your weight.

Win a doll.

Yeah, leads me to my next question.

Did you try to guess

'this young lady's weight, sir?'

Well, read the sign! Guess your weight!

Yes, sir, you've caught me!

Put on the cuffs and...

We're gettin' to that, in fact.

That's not the problem at all, sir.

The problem is the way in which

you're guessing people's weight, specifically women.

- With almost psychic abilities. - 'Really?'

Yes, would you like me to guess your weight?

Apparently, you were quite accurate.

Yes, I would love for you to guess my weight, sir.

I would say you are a sturdy 98 pounds.

You were a little more accurate with the lady, sir.

Well, I took a little more time then, and plus

she had actually paid a ticket. Ya gotta pay.

These things don't grow on trees.

So, anyway, I'm gonna take a break now.

- No, you're not! - No, sir.

Would you like to demonstrate on me

how you guessed her weight?

Show on the lady deputy.

Well, you can't, you know, first of all

there's a lot of clothing that blocks the view

so you gotta, you know, maybe I...

- Could you-- - Touch and poked?

Touch, there was some...

On the elbow, I, you know, because sometimes--

'Sir, there's no fat on the elbow.'

'Well, there's a weight the fat on your elbow'

is directly related to the fat everywhere else!

No, that's not true at all, sir.

It's true, if I touched her

it was directly on the elbow.

Stop lying! Stop lying!

Fine, first, what I do is

I have them take off their jacket.

Then what I do is I ask them to sit into my hands.

Just sit into my hands.

Do it, Wiegel.

Okay, I'm gonna... I'm gonna guess 150.

And that's it. That's everything that happened!

Well, I...

- I stuck a finger in. - Okay, on the ground.

- Damn it! - Oh, [bleep] son of a bitch!

- He's going in the bouncing... - 'No, no!'

Nothing to see here.

Just a rapist with a gun to his head.

If I had a nickel for every time

some kid came up here sayin'

you know what, "Jones, you're my dad" I'd...

Probably have, like 75 cents.

- 'Exactly.' - 5, 10, 15, 20, 15, 30.

35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75...

- About a dollar. - Yeah.

Alright, here we go. I got it.

- Ah, hell. I'm sorry. - Did you hit somebody?

No, no, I think it's the curb.

- Got it, got it, got it. - No! Look out!

Okay, okay. I got another foot.

- Not really. - No, you made me brake hard.

- How do I get out? - Open the door.

'Brake it to the left--'

Brake it to the left, right, right?

Let go of the button. I'm tryin' to talk.

I'm tryin' to talk. Let go of your button.

'Let go of the button.'

- Good. - 'Yes.'

- Good? Yeah? - Yeah.

Now go to the right. Go to the right a little bit.

Yeah, you got it.

What happened?

- we're out of gas. - We're out of gas?

It was interesting, the way I met Kahneh's mother.

I was in the Coast Guard for a while

and I was over in Honolulu

and, uh, there was this place

called The Jade Lady

and they did a drag show that would knock

your socks off, I mean, it was amazing.

Uh, the fellas in the show...

Here's the thing. There was--

You said there was a... A drag show?

That's what I thought.

It's just such a long story, it's so complicated

we'll never know the answer.

- It wasn't a drag show. - Who cares?

It wasn't a drag show. Just regular ladies, apparently.

- It's a boy! - No, don't say anything...

Kahneh Dangle!

Perhaps.

So, any of you guys surf or anything--

Only porn on the web.

- 'This guy...' - 'He does have a real...'

He has a problem with pornography, he does.

He does, he's been written up about it a couple of times.

'Can't prove it, can't prove it!'

Well I did prove it, but okay.

Just gotta get yourself in the zone.

Yeah, he's a great natural athlete.

I mean, he's a perfect physical specimen.

You got, I mean, your feet are really big, so I'm sure...

- 'Yeah, plant on that.' - Just plant it.

- 'Yeah, I got big feet, too.' - Yeah, I see that. I like that.

All you want to do is spread your legs, spread your legs.

There ya go. Alright now...

Now bend up a little. You're bending a little too far.

Focus on the sand, okay.

Now, you just want to bend your knees, bend your knees.

Just bend your knees, yeah, just keep bending it.

And you gotta ride--

Okay, we'll do that more later.

We'll do that later.

I just want to say something.

I love this man.

He's the best man in my life.

Mr. Jim Dangle.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle.

'We'll find out who's right!'

'You'll find out!'

Hey, Carmen, how ya doin'?

Get him out of here, he's an ass

- Oh, you... - I'll take care of this.

Hi, guys, thanks for coming.

'Hello, sir.'

Brothel inspector.

- Get on the ground. - Get on the ground.

- Right over there in the dirt. - Down on the ground, man.

You know they sell these.

Yeah, they sell 'em in Harrah's.

They also sell "bikini inspector, titty inspector."

There's a [bleep] inspector, too?

I love the hummer.

Alright, yeah, it gets six miles to the gallon

on the highway and three miles around town.

You know, the air conditioner doesn't work so well

and it's not very comfortable...

But I just look so damn good in it, you know what I mean?

- Keep your positives. - Yeah.

- Alright. - Okay, looks alright.

- On this side. - You think we can fit?

Before I try to back up, are you sure?

There's nowhere else to go, so make it fit.

No, I know, it can fit on my side

but I can't see on your side.

It looks okay to me.

Okay, a little to your right.

Baa baa baa baa baa!

What? What?

You're about to hit the car!

- And go backwards. - Okay.

And accelerate and you're good...

Counter-clockwise, counter-clockwise!

Counter... Counter!

Do you know what counter-clockwise means?

This is counter, right?

Oh, I meant, actual clockwise.

Okay, sorry about that.

Alright. Now, stop, stop.

Stop, stop. Stop means stop!

Stop means stop!

This is as far as I can open my door.

Go! Let it all out! Let it all out! Yeah!

- Come on. - Okay, stop.

Somebody's gotta get the, uh, gate.

Okay, I got it, I got it.

- No, no, no, no! - Whoa!

Get out of the way, get out of the way!

Look out! Go!

'Watch out, Junior, watch out!'

'Junior!'

Oh, [bleep] [bleep]!

- 'Junior!' - 'Junior!'

- 'Junior!' - I'm good!

'Look at that exhaust system!'

Kahneh went down to get the dna test results, so...

Any minute now.

Hey!

So...

You're not...

You're not my dad.

Wow!

Hey! I mean...

Oh, hey, Oh... Wow.

It's okay, I'm sure I'll find him.

There's another Dangle in Missouri I have to go check out.

Oh, yeah, but we're still homies.

We're still gonna hang out.

Homies still gotta have a homie hat, yep.

No, that's not me.

- We've had so much fun. - Yeah! We had... Oh, man!

Coppin' and everything.

Come on, man, I'll take you out to sizzler

not, not to celebrate.

No, no, I, I'm sorry, I can't.

Actually, I should go get my stuff 'cause there's...

Um...

I'm gonna miss you.

Okay, you can... Okay...

- Okay. - Okay.

We're famous for our Wednesday traffic around here.

- It's gonna be a log jam. - Got a bike!

Kahneh...

Do you have Jones' e-mail or number

'cause I really feel like we connected and just...

You know, I just want to hang out with him, you know.

If that's okay with you, I mean...

You're okay, right?

- Yeah. - Oh, I got the...

That's cool.

"Big foot." Call him "big foot."

That's funny.

Against his own son, Oh, no, he moves.

He moves. Look out. Look out.

'Quite a dribble you got there, dad.'

Here I come. Look out.

Here he comes. And...

Oh, [bleep]! In the neighbor's yard.

'They're Korean'

'and they're not very nice.'

Well, uh, who cares?

- I got it, I got it. - You sure?

Mrs. Ng?