Original subtitles

Uh, we're out here in the parking lot.

Uh, myself and Deputy Travis Jr.

to demonstrate the latest in lower body protection wear.

Uh, of course, we're covered up here with our Kevlar vest

and instead of, uh, the traditional plastic cup

this year, the department has issued

a brand-new, state-of-the-art, uh, alloy-framed cup

with a Kevlar coating.

You're wearin' this thing and it could stop a bullet

it could stop a train, a human bite, a dog bite.

I mean, it is... Watch this.

Aah! Aah!

I'm not wearin' it, jackass!

- I thought you... - It's in my hand!

But didn't you have it...

Oh!

screech

Go, go, go!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Finally, last order of business today

the answer is jalapeno poppers

'mescal shots'

and the no frijoles barred taco bar

at Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! tonight.

What's the question?

What?

Happy birthday, Garcia!

- It's your birthday! - Wooh!

- 'Thank you, thank you.' - Big 7-5, huh?

Gettin' old, no, no, no.

Save a dance for me, now.

I would save a dance for you and that sounds like fun

but I have, uh, some plans of my own for my birthday.

Okay, so we'll get there a little bit early

'cause they gotta, they gotta get the jalapeno poppers up.

Uh, you know, I appreciate it, but, uh, just seriously

this year, eh, you know, I've got...

Hey, rain check.

We not gonna beg you.

Oh, no, no, we'll, uh, we'll do it, uh

my next one...

'No way.'

- Thank you. - 'Yeah.'

- I'm gonna... - 'Yeah.'

Okay.

He's got plans? What?

Uh, yeah, he got a date with Britney Murphy.

- 'Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.' - What? No

No, he doesn't have plans.

He's gonna jack and watch old

Hill Street Blues episodes.

That's what he does, and he's gonna sob.

He wrote somethin' on his page.

He wrote, uh, happy birthday to me

with kind of a picture of a little octoroon.

'That's supposed to be me.'

I drew a picture of a hamburger with a sad face

and no one saw it as me crying for help.

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

Frisbee!

'Chandler, Ross, Joey'

'Oliver, Greg, get in the house!'

'Get in the house!'

'How are we doin' today? How are we doin'?'

We got a call down there at the department

uh, some, uh, aircraft

takin' off from, uh, Reno airport's been receivin'

some, uh, fire, some, uh, bullet rounds.

'What airline was it?'

Uh...

Doesn't really matter, Frisbee, honestly...

I don't shoot at airlines. Alien aircraft.

'You only shoot at alien aircraft?'

What I think is alien aircraft, ET stuff.

Uh-huh, how would you distinguish that

from regular aircraft?

It's got aliens in it.

What if you start spirits, uh, aircraft?

What if they were just, you know, doin', a little, uh

drive by and you start, uh, takin' shots at 'em

'and suddenly, holy [beep]'

we just took a first shot at an alien spacecraft?

That's a good question. What's your name?

- 'Travis, Travis Jr.' - Travis.

Travis, that's a good question.

Thank you.

- I like your look. - I like your, uh, lifestyle.

'Thanks a lot.'

Got a nice house, got a good, good wife, second cousin.

- 'How you doin', ma'am?' - Hi, I'm good, thanks.

If we were to look, say, for example

'in that bunker that you covered with tarp'

'right before we came over...'

I ain't been in there for so long

I have not, I haven't been over there--

You never make it to this corner of the yard.

- That's not even ours. - This is not yours?

- Oh... Honey, is that ours? - Shut up!

- I'm sorry. - 'Oh.'

- Oh, ho ho ho ho! - Oh, my lord!

'Wow! Oh, Frisbee!'

'Yeah, I got this at a yard sale.'

What? [beep]. I never find [beep].

'You got a bargain too.'

You're just shootin' at these cans right there?

'That and the oranges.'

- Alright, so just cock her up. - 'Just hug up to it.'

Alright, put the hand underneath. Here we go.

- Whoo-hoo! - Feed and bleed!

- Alright, here we go. - Let it feed and bleed!

- 'Oh!' - 'That's it!'

That was pretty [beep] cool.

- Can I do it next? - Sure, go ahead.

Yes, I'm 90% sure my house is haunted.

- 'Hey, there, Kimball!' - Ey, how ya doin'?

Turns out a guy killed himself in the back of my garage.

'His name was Timmy.'

- Hey, poppy! Oh, my gosh! - Good to see you.

- Get out, let me look at you. - Just look at you!

- Oh. - Let me just turn you around.

- Oh. Look at me. - Wooh!

- You are... Oh! - You like them?

- I just got them. - Put out the fire!

- Woo-hoo! - Put out the fire.

He has a secret girlfriend.

Oh, you like that.

- I like when you like that. - Muah!

- I made arroz con pollo. - Chicken and rice?

- I did, I did. - 'Oh, good!'

Who is that lady, why is he hiding her?

'He blew us off.'

Why does he have a secret lady?

Who's the secret lady?

'Cause there's somethin' wrong with her.

- Obviously. - 'Obviously.'

- That's a dude. - Think it's a dude?

- Let's find out what we can. - I'm dumbfounded.

I haven't met Garcia's girlfriend.

I don't think anybody has

but my feeling is anyone that keeps...

...that keeps him busy and keeps him from jerking

in the evidence locker is a good thing.

- That little... - Mexican!

That little Mexican...

...jumping bean...

To be hiding like this...

...seemingly normal-looking woman

that is weird.

That is weird, 'cause remember that fat chick he was dating?

He strutted her around like his prized piglet.

222, Virginia, right here.

There they are. Let's go.

'Stealth mode, stealth mode.'

'What's that mean, like duckin'?'

Yes. Duck. Stealth mode means duck.

Okay. Okay, gang.

My God. Look. Look, look, look, look.

'Look what they doin'.'

- 'Oh, come on!' - 'Oh, look.'

- 'That's a wedding cake?' - 'A wedding cake.'

'That's a wedding cake.'

'Two tiers, two tiers, mother[beep].'

He's marryin' that woman?

She's marryin' him? That's the question.

Have you been runnin' stats on this skank all morning?

- Yep. - Nothin'.

Not escaped from a mental institution

no prior arrests, clean credit.

Morning, people! Wow!

What a surprise to see you all here where I am!

How did that happen, Dangle? Huh?

Let's go see what Garcia's doin' today on his day off

'cause we don't have work to do!

No! We gotta follow Garcia around!

- Oh, my goodness! - 'This is Maria.'

Is this a surprise?

- 'Surprise.' - Oh!

- Oh, my God! - Yes, honey.

Hello! Oh, my goodness!

Welcome to the family!

This is Maria. Fun surprise.

Please tell me you all are coming to the wedding.

Please tell me yes...

We didn't get an invitation.

We don't have a date yet. We don't have a date.

No need to send out invitations or let anybody know yet.

Listen, I already picked out the cake.

You did it without me. Good for you.

We're gonna get the invitations

and all you guys, please be there, okay? Muah!

I love you guys! I love you. I'll go get the car, okay?

Hey, she's wonderful. Why are you embarrassed of her?

I'm not embarrassed of her, I'm embarrassed of you.

'I work with seven trolls!'

Snow White and the seven idiots! Look at y'all!

Well, you would think that

you would just shut up right now!

I'm sick of it!

Have a good day... spyin'!

Come on, poppy!

Bye!

- Bye. - Nice finally meetin' ya.

- I feel like [beep]. - Yeah.

We should still follow him, right?

I got one of her hairs.

I got one of hairs when she hugged me.

'Wait, wait, you guys, go in there, find out'

where they're deliverin' the cake to.

- Buy some hats if you got to! - Come on. Let's go!

- Every thirty minutes. - 'Move!'

We take you now live for a statement

from a representative for the Reno Sheriff's Department.

I'm nervous. I never done one of these before.

I mean, they tell you when

like, they say action or somethin', right?

What?

Do they say action when you're on?

Yeah, you're supposed to hear somethin'.

Do... I have a booger?

A little bit of one.

Hey...

Can you do me a favor?

Can you see, uh, can you see my pad?

I can totally see your pad.

It's like way, it's like way up here.

You're supposed to put it in the front.

'Hey! You're on the air!'

- It looks like... - 'You're on the air.'

Well, wait, I can't tell if that's your pad

or the seam of your pants.

Hello.

'Got a call that somebody's been givin', uh, tug jobs'

'here in the restroom'

'of Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! Tacos!

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

'What? Hello?'

- Is that you, Terry? - Terry?

'Yes, it's me, I have diarrhea! It's bad!'

Get out of the bathroom, Terry! Get on outta here!

'I have bad diarrhea.'

You alone in there, Terry?

Alright. Stop.

Shh!

- Who were you shushing? - What?

- Who were you shushing? - Nobody. I didn't shush.

Have you been givin' tug jobs in the bathroom?

No! Why would I do that?

I would never do something like that.

First of all, I have a girlfriend

who I love very much.

- Her name is... - Michelle.

Michelle? What's she look like?

- She's, uh, super-tall. - Uh-huh.

- And she's got... sweet boobs. - How tall?

Uh-huh.

I always knew you were a sweet booby man, Terry.

- I put my wiener on 'em. - Yeah?

- Yep. That's true. - You did?

Terry, the good people here at Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! Tacos!

have agreed to...

- Sh-sh. - okay, sir...

I don't... Who's that?

- Who is that? - Come on, come here.

'Who are you? Oh, my God!'

'Stay where you are, stay where you are.'

- Who is that guy? - Keep talkin', Terry.

- You've never seen him before? - I've never seen him before.

- What the [beep], Terry? - What?

These are good people at Tacos! Tacos! Tacos! Tacos!

I didn't know!

They did not have to take a felon!

- That's what I said. - I'm not...

Oh, the drama. The [beep] drama!

We're not goin' with the waterworks.

- Stay where you are. - Stay where you are.

gonna talk to this to son of a bitch.

Terry, Terry, you had a chance to start over.

Not a lot of people get a chance to start over, but you got...

What?

- What? - Two dollars a tug job.

Terry, two dollars?

'Terry, I'd like to direct your attention.'

"The burger special... The Tacos, Tacos, Tacos

burger special, 4-0-9!"

First of all

a tug job doesn't come with fries or a soda.

- Open up, ladies! - 'Aah!'

- I ordered a male. - You got me, huh?

Back up, blondie.

Ladies, you bein' way too loud, alright?

All this hollerin' and screamin'

and carryin' on... You the bride?

''Cause you gettin' married.'

That's nothin' to celebrate.

Let me tell you somethin', honey, I been where you at.

I been where you at.

All wantin' to get married.

All tryin' to have a man.

Skinny! Girl, I used to, could hula hoop with a cheerio!

One husband and four babies later, what? Bam!

Look at it! This is your destiny!

'I sit on your destiny every day.'

Y'all don't even want me to unbutton my shirt

and show you my stomach.

Where them stretch marks all ran across

so they look like railroad tracks!

Congratulations, girl!

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Come on, Joe.

Have a good time, ladies!

Don't drink too much!

Somebody had to do it.

I walk in the truth.

I love roller skating. We gotta do it again.

- Let's do it again. - Okay!

- Okay, I love you. - I love you.

- Be careful, okay? - Okay.

- Mwah! - Mwah!

- Okay. - Have a good night's sleep.

- Okay? - I will.

- 'Tomorrow, breakfast?' - You be good, now.

- 'Okay.' - Tomorrow, breakfast.

Damn, girl, you lookin' fine!

I brought you something.

Oh, my God, they're so beautiful.

Oh, I missed you.

That's what I thought.

My gosh, I've been thinking about you all night.

Where do you want to go tonight?

Wherever you want to take me, papi.

"Wherever you want to take me, papi?"

- You hear that? - .

Tail him. Tail him.

You must be out shopping getting ready to celebrate

New Year's Eve, I'll bet.

I've been running around like crazy buying champagne

caviar, and lots and lots of ammunition

to shoot my guns in the air

when that clock hits midnight.

Sounds like fun.

But why don't you, do like me and Wayne

and switch to Police Tek?

Two thousand blanks instead of bullets?

Blanks, huh? Well last year

one of the guys at my party did get killed.

Maybe you're right.

I think I will switch to Police Tek 2000.

New year's Eve blanks.

Happy new year, Ron!

Easy, easy.

Stay back, stay back, stay back.

- 'She's gettin' off.' - I'm so sore! Ha-ha-ha.

Ohh! You wear me out.

- 'I'll bet you he does.' - 'Yeah, well...'

I love to ride with you, you know that?

'Man, this would kill...'

Let's just shoot him right now.

No, no, no. We can't shoot him right now.

We can't shoot him right here.

She's movin'?

Move, son of a bitch.

- Let's go. - Ready? Hit it.

There we go.

- Alright. - Yep.

'Pull it in the alley.'

'Yeah, you on the bike.'

Need you to make that turn into the south

'and I need you to pull over.'

- How you doin' tonight, sir? - Okay.

- Where's the fire, casanova? - I don't do nothing--

- I-I driving-- - Who's the girl?

- The girl! - Maria! That's my girlfriend.

- Oh! - Your girlfriend?

- Yes! - Wrong!

Maria's already got a man, bucko!

- No, she doesn't. - Yes, she do!

And he is one of our very best friends!

- Are you sure? - 'You got a driver's license?'

- Of course. - Yeah.

Amigo, I have, I have license.

Double time, Julio!

Who said you could put your hands down?

- 'Hands up!' - Sorry.

- Huh. - Legal, see?

Maybe you didn't hear me, but I asked

for your driver's license.

- Where's your driver's license? - Oh! Two points!

Oh, my, Goodness!

Why you hit my bike, man?

Missin' your taillight back there.

You stay away from Maria!

I don't want to see you in Reno!

I don't even want to see you in Nevada, you hear me?

- Okay! - Huh?

- Yeah, yeah! - You hear now, don't ya?

- California's that way! - Get goin'!

- Amigo! - Get goin'!

- Go. - Get goin'!

Get goin'!

'We're gonna fill your pendejo ass with lead!'

That was really good!

Really good, guys, really good.

- You scary sons of bitches! - Good work, good work.

Like, my adrenaline is all going and everything.

- That was great. - Oh, wow.

Oh, man.

I feel good that we did that for Garcia.

I still missed.

We'll never tell him. Never tell Garcia, okay?

No, no, it's better if he just doesn't know.

- Better if he doesn't know. - 'Yeah, it'll break his heart.'

- 'I feel wonderful.' - 'Good work.'

'I feel like a--'

We did a good thing, for a change.

She is the best thing that ever happened to him

and she's still happenin'.

Nice work, fellas.

I feel like, I feel like Mary Poppins or somethin'.

Oh, Craig, these conjugal visits are so wonderful.

- This hurt? - Yeah, a little bit.

Ow.

You seem, you seem a little uptight today.

Are you nervous about something?

I just feel a little bit awkward with him here.

Oh, no, don't worry about... No, this is Car-wash.

Everyone calls him Carwash.

I'm not sure what his real name is

but, uh, he's totally cool with this.

- I understand. - I mean, this...

No, it's fine. I mean, it's...

Let me talk to him.

Okay.

Listen, the old ball and-chain here is...

She's a little uncomfortable with this.

Maybe if you just sort of

you know, just look in that direction a little bit

just don't make it too obvious.

Okay, I can hear you.

Well, just so you know, just to warn you in advance

I have a rash, so it's gonna look weird

but it's not anything to be alarmed about.

- Alright? - I'm cool.

- Could you point that at us? - No, I'm not gonna do that.

- That's... - Okay. You know checkin'...

That's not professional.

- Yeah. - That's all.

Add a little spice to it.

We can't hit you with this, right? Cause--

- Absolutely not. - Okay, that's understandable.

So try to print a little neater on the evidence bags, okay?

It was three hours, three hours I spent

trying to figure out what

"Public dander" would be.

"Pubic dander" is what it was.

Write legibly on the envelopes.

Pubic hair has dander?

It saves me a lot of time, okay?

No wonder my allergies are so bad.

Hey, good mornin'. You're late.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's just been a long night.

The reason why I'm late...

is I have been up all night.

My sister Maria

'whom you all met yesterday'

'is no longer going to be getting married.'

Her fiance suddenly

decided to leave town

without notice or phone call...

He's gone.

She is completely devastated, as am I.

And if it's okay, I would like to request

a little time to go and spend with her.

I'm a little worried, because she's...

- 'Yeah.' - Yeah, go ahead.

- I'll call in. - 'Don't worry about it.'

I kind of feel like this

is a little bit our fault.

No.

Actually, I don't blame myself.

- I blame you. - You blame me?

Yeah.

They can hear you in the detective division upstairs.

- Only if you do it loud. - 'Loud.'

Loud and angry.

I'm-I'm sorry, this is, the people who heard

and have it guessed as to who it is

is the detective division.

Do they have hard evidence?

- I don't think so. - You're thinkin' soft evidence.

I think it's only about an inch of evidence.

Yes, it's uncircumsta... Ah, [bleep] it.

Substantial. Never mind.

- 'Stop jackin' [bleep].' - It ain't me.