Original subtitles

'The white zone is for immediate loading'

'and unloading of passengers only.'

Got a fellow in the hospital here

waiting for a liver transplant.

Organ should be arriving at any moment.

Come on, come on.

Ah! Whoa! Here we go.

Ho! Ho. Ho.

- Okay, I got it. Trudy. - Yeah.

You stay and fill out the paperwork.

No, Jim, I'd like to handle this.

I-I know exactly what to do, Jim.

- Go to St. Mary's hospital. - Check.

Go to the fourth floor, ICU

ask for Dr. Peterson

tell him we have an O-positive liver

and we need to get it there, stat.

My, God. That was great. Go!

- Go with God. Go! - I can do it.

I'll do the paperwork.

Okay, she's on it, guys.

Well done, gentlemen.

'The white zone is for immediate loading'

'and unloading of passengers.'

Oh [bleep].

'Jim, I'm sorry.'

I forgot everything I just said.

Whoa!

- What? - No, no. Oh!

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Hey, what... Oh! - Oh! Oh! Oh!

- 'Morning, gang.' - 'Ho.'

Morning.

'Everybody sounds fit as a fiddle this morning.'

Travis, you had an announcement you had to make or something?

I did. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

Monkey [bleep].

'Straight from the Orient.'

Oh, I heard about that.

What are we supposed to do with that?

- Where'd you get that? - 'Why do you have that?'

Start the biddin' at $35.

What am I gonna do with monkey [bleep]?

- Thirty-seven. - 'Thirty-seven.'

Uh, the end of the table seems to know what it does.

What are the applications of monkey [bleep]?

- 'Thirty-eight.' - Thirty-eight.

'They must be good.'

- 'Forty-one.' - Oh, hell.

Forty-two. What does it do?

- Forty-four. - Fifty. What does it do?

- Is it like, for wrinkles? - 'Sixty.'

- 'Sixty-one. What does it do?' - 'No.'

- No! - 'Seventy-five.'

'Do not just stick things'

'in your mouth.'

'What we at? What does it do?'

- We're at 75. - We're at 75?

- It's still warm. - That was from my pocket.

- No, I got it mail order. - 'Oh...'

How do you know that's authentic and not fake monkey [bleep]?

Oh, that's [bleep]. You know that.

- 'Two hundred dollars!' - 'Two hundred.'

- Two twenty-five. - Two twenty-five.

'Two fifty. What does it do?'

- Three hundred. - Three-o-one.

- Can I get-- - Three-o-one?

- 'Five. 325.' - Three twenty-five.

- Three fifty. - 'Three fifty.'

- 'Where'd you get it?' - 'Three seventy-five.'

- Mail order. - 'Three seventy-five.'

- Big Korean section manager. - Three eighty-five.

- 'Three eighty-two.' - Three eighty-two.

- Three eighty-two, goin' once. - Three eighty-five.

Three eighty-seven. What is it?

- Four-o-one-ninty-nine. - Four-o-two.

The price is right for this [bleep].

- Four-o-two. Goin' once. - 'That's week and a half...'

- That's two weeks pay. - 'Twice.'

Sold! Kimball.

You can just write me a check.

Okey-doke.

'Everybody knows that the new, uh, Liberace box set's'

coming out, right?

Who?

- Anyhoo, uh, his piano-- - I knew about it.

Liberace's piano on tour comin' to the Washoe Mall.

- Just the piano? - Yeah! Wh-whoa, go back.

"Just the piano?"

Why isn't he with it?

- He died like 150 years ago. - 'Yeah.'

'He'd be a little stiff at the keyboard.'

- He's dead? - 'Anyhoo.'

- Oh, me. - You're already on it.

- It's you and Garcia. - 'I'm on it?'

- Yeah. - That's inside the mall.

It's climate-controlled, right?

- 'Yeah.' - I'll do it.

Anyhoo, moving right along.

You know, I hear that monkey

it's very assertive.

'You want to tell her?'

No, seriously, what does it do?

Welcome to the force. He's goofin' you. It's his.

- Yeah, it's mine. - 'Yeah, it's his.'

- Yeah. - 'Whoo!'

You've been [bleep], by Junior, honey.

'Rookie.'

You just paid $402 for junior's [bleep].

'April [bleep].'

- Hey, not too close. Close. - Keep movin', now.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Don't touch the piano, sir!

Sir? Oh, you can look

but just don't lean over the rail, okay?

It's funny how somethin'...

...with lights on it will attract these people.

- 'What?' - You know you're solids, right?

- Solids? - Yeah.

'It's made of glass?'

No, it is made of genuine diamonds, 2.75 karats

'14-karat gold, and you know why he gave it to me?'

''Cause it's Monday.'

Or that's what he said.

He goes, "Happy Monday."

And you got this from that hot tub guy?

The hot tub guy. The hot tub king.

'With four stores in Nevada.'

Oh, yeah. I've seen his picture.

So much money, I cannot even tell you.

And this is someone, this is someone

I haven't even slept with.

- Why don't you sleep with him? - He's 74!

Oh, he doesn't have a penis?

We have a message for Clementine Johnson.

♪ Oh my darling ♪

♪ Oh my darling Clementine ♪

♪ Will you please be mine forever ♪

♪ Marry me my Clementine ♪

Hello! Barry?

Uh, [bleep], yeah!

, yeah, I'll marry your 74-year-old ass!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, that's-that's gotta be him.

Hang on.

Barry!

Here we go again with her and the weddings.

- Maybe-- - Aah!

- Aah! - Clem?

Clemmy!

- Oh, no! - 'Barry, don't be dead!'

Don't be dead, Barry!

- 'I got no pulse.' - Oh, man.

Barry, go away from the light! Come back!

- He's dead. - I command you!

- Well, you came real close. - Yeah.

Why don't we, uh, call the coroner

get him to bring the big wagon around here?

Don't. No, don't, don't, don't.

Not yet. Not yet.

- Not yet. - Not yet? We-we gotta.

'What're you thinkin' about?'

If I stay a fiance, this is what I keep.

I've always wanted to be a widow.

You help me, you help me

'I'll help you. You help me, I help you.'

- What're we talking about? - 'What're we talking about?'

- Hot tubs all around... - Yes!

- Well, what're we talking for? - Okay, go.

- Yeah. - Good.

Okay, you know what?

Okay, let me tell you somethin'.

Okay, three times

I wished in my head that the

that the, uh, piano would play somethin' different

and it played it.

Ye-ah. It's on a loop.

I wish this beautiful piano

would play something romantic.

- Did you see that? - Uh, yeah.

- That piano is magic. - 'Okay.'

It's magic! Three ti... No, four times now!

Hey, you know what? Hey, I got a weird thought.

I wish I was Wayne Newton sittin' in the pool

by the mirage and a beautiful woman dropped out of the sky

and brought me food on a big old platter.

You know what? Be careful what you wish for.

- Yeah? - You know what I'm sayin'?

Because this pian--

Hi. Complimentary hot wings?

I'm Tammy from Hotties.

Hey.

We now open now on level two.

Okay.

One, two. Go.

They asked you to leave three times.

Three times, they asked you to leave.

- Okay, but I have to tell you-- - I'm sorry. Come on. Jail time.

- What, I'm-- - Here we go.

- Ow! - You're gonna jail.

No, no, no. We're goin' to jail.

I just have to do something, okay?

'What're you doing? What do you have to do?'

I have to change my boots!

- Don't change, okay. - I have to take off...

They're dangerous. They are dangerous.

- They're very sharp - These shoes are real pretty.

Okay, I'm putting these in here.

- Wait, hold on. - Come on.

- I just wanna put-- - Come on, come on, come on!

- Get up! Missy! - I just have to--

- You don't understand-- - Missy!

What?

You are not wearin' any pants.

- Now, you cover yourself. - I gotta...

- Can I put my pants on? - 'Yes.'

Yes. You can put pants on. Yes.

But I wanna pick out which one.

- How about this? - I don't wanna wear those!

- Alright. - Which ones do you want?

- I want to wear the ones... - What do you...

- The ones there. - How about these?

- These are good these are-- - No! They're [bleep]!

- Hey! Hey! Hey! - Hey!

Hey! These.

- I don't want to wear those. - it. Okay.

- That's real pretty. - No, no, it's beautiful.

I don't think this is mine!

This is [bleep] Charity's!

I don't want to wear her stupid skirt.

Panties. Wait a second.

- This is on backwards. - Oh, no.

- There you go. - Aah!

Now, come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

- I forgot something. - What?

- What did you forgot? - I forgot something!

- What did you forget? - My cellphone.

- Where is it? - It's in the bar.

- In the bar? - Mm-hmm.

Are you lying to me?

- 'Oh!' - 'Son of a bitch!'

- 'Son of a bitch!' - 'No, you did not!'

'You come back here!'

Can I smoke a cigarette?

In the car you can.

But can I smoke one first

'cause I just have to wait for...

I'm waiting for a phone call inside.

- Do you have a light? - Yes. Of course I do.

Now, we're gonna be good, we're gonna be friends.

We're not gonna run and we're not gonna puke, right?

- No, no, I-- No! - 'No!'

'Son of a bitch! She tricked me!'

'It was a trick!'

She's a little [bleep] genius!

I'll say, but it doesn't take a Mozart to figure out

that getting back to our limo in this bad neighborhood

might be a little dangerous.

Good thing we wore our

Police Tek 2000 bulletproof vests.

- Stick 'em up, you two. - Oh, my God.

Go ahead. Shoot away.

I didn't feel a th...

I didn't feel a thing.

Always wear a Police Tek 2000 bulletproof vest.

Now in a slenderizing girdle cut.

Oh! Perfect.

- Sorry. - 'That was gorgeous.'

Shh!

'Can't even stand up in his own yard.'

Lay him down gently. Oh! Ha ha!

'This is what I'm talkin' about. Look at this!'

'That's what I'm talkin' about.'

'Oh, my God!'

'This is like the garden of [bleep] Eden.'

I know. So this is what we need to do.

- We need a judge. - Uh...

Judge, uh, Peterson, down circuit court.

- Two cataracts. - He's blind. Yes!

- Can't see anything. - I'll pick him up.

- Okay, you get him. - You have a wedding dress?

- I do. - Where is it?

Uh, it's in the back of the squad car.

You have a wedding dress in the back of the squad car?

Oh, always. Always.

'You know, I'm always prepared.'

I also have a saddle and a bee-keeper's hat

and a couple of, uh, flower leis.

'Cause you just never know, right?

Half the time, I get stuck without a tampon.

'Watch this.'

I'm wishing that the piano

will play something Mexican.

I didn't even know if it would do that

and it did it!

- Yeah. - W-that's crazy!

Yeah, well, let's drop the balloons

it played something Mexican.

Wow. Start the fountain.

It started as soon as I said it!

Son, would you get down off that railin', please?

You see what I'm sayin'?

As soon as I said it, boom! What?

That's just called coincidence.

Man! God, I wish that kid would get off the railing.

Oh, oh!

- Holy [bleep]! - What did you do?

- I got an 11-charlie, twelve. - James, what did you do?

We need a paramedic!

'Ma'am, keep your kids away!'

I just wanted to remind you that Friday night

is the candlelight vigil

for, uh, Melissa Curvie

who's been missing now for six days.

So just, um, you know, come on down.

There'll be snacks and it'll be a good time.

Thank you, um...

Thank you very much. Uh...

I do want to talk to y'all about drugs

but I think one thing, uh, that Sniffy and I know

that a lot of people won't tell y'all

is that when you first do drugs

it's real nice.

But here's the thing, kids

it doesn't stay that way.

Imagine that Sniffy is drugs.

Uh, and-and-and I first

uh, I first meet him...

Hi, how you doin', Sniffy?

And we are just sweet on each other.

And we're walking down the street

and then all of a sudden

he gives me a good night kiss.

Well, that's just wonderful!

And I'm feelin' great now and I want a little more of that

is what I want. 'Cause that just felt so nice.

And so we kiss... a little more...

And that just feels great, too.

I feel so pretty and smart

an-and so we kiss a little more

and, uh, and he starts actin'

a-a little angry at me and, uh

and that's when it starts to turn real bad.

And that's when you should... Get off of me.

Get... But he just doesn't seem to be cooperating.

And that's when you know that drugs just really

aren't-aren't worth, um, the, what the...

Uh, we didn't, we didn't, no, it's over. We...

- No, the thing is, oh! Stop it. - 'Oh, God!'

Stop! Help! Help!

...off me! Get him off of me!

- Get him off! Get him off! - Ramon, get off!

- Ramon! - Get him the [bleep] off of me!

I am really sorry--

You do a background check on these people?

I want you to get backstage right now!

- Man has five tuxedos. Five. - Five?

Five tuxedos.

What'd you do if you had two million?

- Two million? - Yeah, two million bucks. Boom.

Here's your check. Ed McMahon drives up.

First tell my family to [bleep] off.

- Then I would, uh-- - You can do that right now.

Well, they're kinda helpin' me out.

Oh.

Then I'd, uh...

I don't know. Maybe get some plugs.

Always wanted cornrows.

Maybe go to...

...France.

- France? - Yeah.

Get cornrow hair plugs and go to France?

Yeah.

God, sometimes I don't even know you.

You know, if I had two million dollars

'I would get me one of them pontoon boats on lake Havasu--'

Yeah?

Eddie Money play at my birthday party.

Lake Havasu.

Can you imagine the tail you would get

if you had Eddie Money play in your birthday party

on lake Havasu?

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

'Oh, wait! He ain't supposed to see ya.'

- 'He ain't supposed to see ya!' - 'Ha ha ha ha!'

Tango, uh, uh, 11 Charlie-12

this is, uh, Garcia and Williams.

We wanted to check on the status

of our, uh, faller here at the mall.

'Oh, yeah, that kid, uh...'

'Critical but stable, they're sayin'.'

Garcia was the one that wished it to happen!

No, I did, I did not.

That is not true.

Tango, I made an aside.

I said I wish he would get down off the railing safely

and the, and the, and the child fell.

'Did you say that by Liberace's piano?'

I just said--

Yes, he said it right by the piano.

We're standin' right by it.

I did... That's not true! Okay?

I didn't, I didn't say anything

and I didn't talk about anything.

'Well, you know they say it's cursed, right?'

'I mean, there's whole websites about it.'

'There's, uh, - Liberacescursedpiano. - Org.'

- 'There's cursedpiano--' - You see that?

How do you, how do you know that?

Do you see that? Do you see that?

- You're gonna blame it on me? - No, I'm just saying--

And you're go-- No. No.

He said there's websites and everything.

And you know people don't lie on the internet!

Then, okay, y-you know what? You're makin' weird wishes.

He's saying there's things on the web about Liberace

and stupid people doing... Well, you know what?

I'm tired of it, okay, Williams?

I don't believe in this whole stupid queer-ass

gay Liberace piano [bleep]!

That was for you! Oh, my God!

We are so... We are...

He is sorry! He is sorry.

We love you.

- Here we come! - 'Oh, good. Good!'

- 'Thank you.' - Look who I found!

'Look, honey, our life can' start.

'Our life can start.'

How you doing, Judge Peterson?

- How are you? - Good. Good.

It's good to be here.

I know the hour is late, but we'll rush through this.

We appreciate it!

Oh, good, 'cause we can't wait to get married.

Isn't that right?

We're gathered here this evening to bring together

these two kids to embrace

the bonds of holy matrimony.

Uh, you have the rings?

- Uh... - Rings, please.

- Oh, w-got them right here! - There they are!

Oh, Barry, that is such a beautiful ring!

As you exchange them

please if you have any vows you would like to say

anything you would like to address to each other.

Please do it.

Um...

Clementine, you're...

Clem-Clementine, you're, um, beautiful.

You always... smell great.

And I-I-I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you

and give a lot of money to you.

Barry...

We've got a bond, you know?

And you were not the first by any means

and, I mean, if I'd be a liar to say

you are gonna be the last, you know?

- But, um, you're here now. - Yeah.

And so let's just make the best of that now.

Then by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Yeah! - Yes! Thank you!

Clemmy, you look heavy when you're... Turn sideways.

You look... No, you look heavy.

Straight on you look heavy. Sideways like this.

Silhouette. Exactly.

- No, get in there, Junior! - No, I'm... where?

That don't make sense.

You look shell-shocked.

Will you take the [bleep] picture?

Take it!!

- Sorry. - Jeez.

- Happy wedding! - Yay!

- Yay! - Whoo!

Okay, I don't know.

It's just, uh, you know what?

I just want it to end.

I just wish somebody would just come by

and just take that damn piano outta here!

Hey. We're here for the piano.

It's been a strange day. This thing has been playin'...

Everything that we've asked it to...

- Any-- - Who-who was playing it?

'Well, the piano was playing by itself'

and then he just wished for you to come

and then you came, but--

That's not a player piano.

Say what?

It's not a player piano!

It's Liberace's piano.

Think he'd have a player piano?

Of course it's a player piano.

Once again...

...Miss Fortune has humped my leg.

- Guess who's not a widow? - Oh.

- He's still alive? - He's... No.

He was married already.

- Had never gotten a divorce. - 'Oh.'

Yeah.

His wife lives on a houseboat

on the Colorado river six months out of the year, so...

rapes were down in the holding tank?

- Yeah. - 'Typo.'

Not. Are not down.

Oh, I thought that was missin' a one.

- 'One seventeen. Not 17.' - One seventeen?

- Seventeen seemed real light. - 'Yeah, it seemed real low.'

'Cause every time you walk by...

Oh, help! Please don't rape me!

Please don't rape me!

Yeah.

Seems like you practice saying that sometimes. Do you?

No. It's just something that, I-I wake up saying it out of

my, sometimes out of my--

Your night terrors. Hm.