Original subtitles

- Garcia! - Garcia!

- Open the door! - Open up, Garcia!

A cyanide truck jack-knifed again!

- Cyanide truck? - Put this on.

Put it on. Yeah.

- Okay, where are we going? - Let's go.

Let's go! Come on.

What did you put in there?

Ether.

- Aah! Give me five! - Ha ha ha!

- Whoo! - 'Come here!'

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

'Okay. Two words.'

- Smells like... - First word.

Watch, time...

Sounds like...

- Drive. - Drive. Drive by.

- Time card. - Time card.

- Time card! - Time card!

Internal affairs wants to see all of your time cards.

They're doing an investigation, and they're, uh... pretty pissed.

- 'Oh!' - 'Hey, you're late.'

Yeah.

'...all at prices so low and quality so high'

'it's got to be High Sierra Carpeting.'

- 'Right off I-80 at Exit 57.' - Hold on.

- 'You want us to buy carpet?' - No.

'Great carpeting, better prices.'

♪ And the installation is free ♪

That was, that was me.

- 'No!' - 'That's you?'

- 'That's me.' - What?

You're the "Installation is free" guy?

I'm the High Sierra guy, yeah.

- 'Congratulations!' - Yeah! I know!

I can't believe it, man. I cannot believe it.

Is that why I see all the bling-bling over there?

'What's the earrings all about?'

- 'Yee!' - Woo-woo!

Stop. Just come on. Come here.

I got to show you something. Just come here.

- Oh, my goodness! - Aah!

- That is not your car. - Black on black.

How much do you get paid, that you can...

I'm, hey, I'm gettin' paid $200

every time my wonderful commercial comes on.

But, I heard it like four times comin' in to work--

Yeah. It's on, like, every 90 seconds.

Yeah, blah blah blau! Blah blah blau!

- Dude! Wow! - Blah blah blau!

Hey, open it up!

Look out, look out, look out, look out.

Um, open the car for Jonesy.

- Ohh! - What?

'You know, you got a thing in your pocket or--'

- No! Okay. Yeah, I do. - It's voice-activated?

- I got it. - Oh.

I'm huggin' a star. Look at that.

Trudy get the [bleep] off me.

I'm gonna get on this side. Hey, Jonesy sandwich.

No, don't... She's on me.

- A Jonesy sandwich. - I don't want her on me!

And I don't want to be hugged, like, everybody, okay?

- Okay. Just calm down. - Okay. We're all adults.

- Bang! - Jeez! God!

- 'Bang!' - Jim.

'I'm just goin' through it again in my head.'

How do you get three shots off on a man with two guns?

And why do you bring him delicious, piping-hot Arby's

right before you're gonna blow him away?

'How can Juan... Don't touch that, Trudy!'

- Jim. - 'Put it back.'

- The first rule-- - 'Put it back.'

- Let's go from the top, okay? - 'Okay.'

Don't mind me. I'm just doing cocaine.

- Hey, Rico. - 'Hey.'

- What you doin' with my blow? - Just snortin' it.

'I went out to get you a delicious, piping-hot'

Arby's roast beef sandwich

and I find out you're doin' my blow while I'm gone?

Jim... this makes your mouth numb.

'Don't do that, for real.'

- From the top. - 'Okay.'

Places! Ha ha. Okay.

'I'm sorry.'

Oh, hey, Rico. I'm back. I'm actin' casual.

I'm bein' cool. Nothin's up. Nothin's up at all.

All I did was go get some delicious, piping-hot Arby's.

I see you're jacking [bleep], in this scenario.

Okay, well, I got a delicious

beef and cheddar for you.

And, boom! You're goin' downtown.

Last time you were short on the count, mother[bleep].

- Monkey roll, monkey-- - Okay, that's a trajectory.

It's okay. Keep goin', keep goin'.

'One, two, three.'

And I thought I'd bring you a little peace offering

some delicious Arby's.

Go back... No, no, no. No, no, no.

- This never happened. - Oh.

This never happened that we know of.

- Okay. - You go back on cou...

No. Go back. Rico.

Oh, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

'Good carpeting, better prices.'

♪ And the installation is free ♪

Ahh!

- Whoo-whoo! - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Ha ha. That's me.

- That's him. - That's me, Timothy.

- That's you? - Yeah.

- That was my commercial. - That was you?

♪ And the installation is free ♪

- Oh, hell, no! That was you? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, man! Hey, man, you think, like, when I get out

or something, we could do something together?

Why, you-you-you in the... You in the industry?

Yeah, man! You-you can't tell I know Shug?

- Man, that's crazy, man-- - No, y'all don't understand!

- You do? - Yeah.

I rap!

♪ I saw somebody I killed him too ♪

♪ He tried to run from me so then I killed him ♪

♪ And then he tried to run I shot him killed him ♪

♪ Kill him run I shot him don't run don't run again ♪

♪ Punk don't run again punk don't run again punk ♪

That didn't rhyme, man.

♪ And the installation is free ♪

♪ Ta tee-tee ta-ta ♪

♪ You use your diaphragm ta ta... ♪

My girlfriend wore a diaphragm, I still got a baby.

'Hi, Rico.'

I just got back with that delicious Arby's

you asked me to get.

- 'Thanks for the Arby's, Juan.' - I'm clean, man.

'I'm gonna have to check it out.'

Check all you want, okay?

'Check other places.'

This is probably what he would do.

Okay, don't... Hey, Trudy, Trudy.

Okay. Okay, we get it. We get it, okay?

Disfrute, Rico. Disfrute.

'There's over a $1,000 here.'

Pay attention for five [bleep] seconds.

- 'That's not important so--' - Tengala caya!

Par bull[bleep]! Cara maya!

Oh! Monkey roll, monkey roll, monkey roll.

Jim, you got to act out what you thought it was.

'I know. I-I agree.'

'But you didn't do the part that I asked you to do.'

- What part? - Hey, enjoy.

It's my little gift-a to you, okay?

You have a nice time.

Eating Arby's, eating Arby's.

Eating Arby's, eating Arby's.

- Boom! - 'Monkey roll, monkey roll--'

Uh, I was gettin' to poison, not monkey roll.

- 'Oh.' - Poison.

'And now that I've poisoned you'

'I'm gonna send a message to all the other capos and jefes'

'and it's gonna go like this.'

Bam, bam, shoot the man who's already dead.

That's it.

Hey, Travis. FBI.

- FBI? - 'Yes, I can hold.'

I'm on hold with the FBI. We got it. We cracked it.

You cracked it? You figured it out?

Yeah. Already dead.

- Already dead? - Poisoned.

Why'd they shoot him three times?

Message to the other jefes.

- Yeah. - That makes sense.

Message. That's to send a message.

'Hey, hey, hey.'

Yeah?

What are you doin'?

- 'It's evidence.' - No, remember?

'Before I put the tape up, I-I got Arby's.'

You said you were gonna come in, I should leave you

some delicious Arby's on the table.

'Cause you wanted some Arby's, too. It's cold though.

You guys have been in here for like seven hours.

I hope they don't have caller ID.

Oh!

The FBI probably has caller ID, right?

I would think.

, they're callin' back. Great.

Yeah, let's sing that again.

♪ And the installation is free ♪

Y-you're butchering it, alright?

You are butchering my [bleep].

- He's pretty good, man. - Thank you--

No, don't give him none of that! No, no dap, alright?

You're butchering my song.

Butcherin' it? So you tryin' to pin somethin' else on me!

♪ Timothy you don't want to see me kill you do you? ♪

♪ Because it'll be the last thing you see ♪

♪ When you close your eyes and you see Timothy ♪

♪ Creepin' in your bedroom shoot you in your face ♪

♪ Right in the face no other place ♪

♪ Can't be erased can't be replaced it's just me Timothy ♪

♪ Shoot shoot kill kill ♪

♪ I kill the cops all the time and everybody ♪

W-what you do? You-you do what?

Ho! Ho, ho, ho! Ho! Here it comes.

'Good carpeting, better prices.'

♪ And the installation is free ♪

Wow! That is awesome.

- I know. - That is so good.

I'm blessed.

So the deal is like, everybody

they're gettin' calls sayin', "Hey, we love that-that voice.

It's so beautiful, you gotta make a TV commercial."

That's what they were sayin'?

That's awesome, man. That's so cool.

You want one of these?

No, I'm alright.

Uh...

Oh, yeah, cool. Thanks, man.

From the High Sierra Carpet man.

Cool, I'm just gonna save it and tell people

when they ask, "Where'd you get that?"

"Oh, my homey does High Sierra Carpet's--"

Well, I mean, you can chew it now.

- You don't... I mean... - But I wanna save it.

Y-you know the High Sierra carpeting man. So, go ahead--

Well, what if I run into somebody and then I'm like "Oh"

and it leads to a good casual conversation.

They're like, "Mmm, hey, Jim, where'd you get that gum?"

"Oh, you know, I was hangin' out with my homey.

"You probably know him.

"He does the High Sierra Carpet commercials.

He sings "And the installation's free--"

I mean, I've got 'em. I mean, I have more.

You-you know, you can do it now.

Well, can I have some to have and then

some to talk about you later?

- Oh, yeah. - Cool.

So you can have it now?

I'm gonna save 'em both.

- Alright. - Sheriff's Department!

We are responding to a 911 call. Shots have been fired.

'Sheriff's department!'

Well, hell.

- What? - What the [bleep]?

- Ho. - Dutch boy.

Thank you for coming, officers!

- Oh, [bleep]! Ow! - Damn it!

Holy [bleep]!

- That stung like a-- - Alright.

Spotter two-in-one compact.

Two-in-one, '68 caliber, semi-automatic.

The thing'll fire about 200 shots a second.

No mercy!

- Let's go. - Let's go.

'Come on, now. Come on!'

If you [bleep] with me, you [bleep] with my family!

- you! - Holy [bleep].

'Alright, we're-we're gonna give you just one last chance.'

Lay down your weapons... , damn it!

911, the police need help!

'The police need help. Come on, 911.'

Thank you for coming. Thank you for responding.

Help! Attack! Attack!

Where you goin'?

Bye! Bye!

I've got you.

Oh, damn!

Get him. Get him. Get him.

'Go, go, go, go, go!'

Okay, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. It's a dead end.

We'll both lower our voices. Lower your voice and say...

And say, "Go ahead, make my day."

- Then, boom... - That's tacky.

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that.

What you mean you're not sayin' it?

Say something original. Say, "You're goin' down, syndrome!"

Pssh! Hitch kick.

No, no, no. Ooh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

"Mama's gonna teach you a lesson."

It's long, but I like to call myself mama.

So, let's do that one. That's fine. Okay.

One, two, three.

Mama's gonna teach you a lesson!

'I'm gonna teach you something!'

'I'm mama!'

'What the hell?'

'It's locked.'

'Joe, are you out there? Joe?'

We take you now live to the Reno Sheriff's Department.

My butt itches.

You're real good at sound effects.

'Psst! Hey.'

'Hey, you're on the air.'

'You're on the air!'

What'd you do?

Oh, I don't...

Good-good afternoon.

I don't know which one to talk into.

- How you doin' today, sir? - 'I'm alright.'

You know why I pulled you over?

'No.'

You was driving all over the road back there

like some kind of [bleep] maniac.

- 'Bull [bleep].' - Bull...

- You step out the vehicle, sir. - 'Huh?'

- Step out the vehicle. - 'Alright. Hang on.'

Whoa! Missed me.

"You are cordially invited to the world premiere

"of the new High Sierra Carpeting commercial

featuring your pal Jones E."

And he signed Jones dot E.

- 'Oh.' - 'That's classy.'

- Can I get your autograph? - Oh, I don't know.

I don't know about that. Maybe.

Dearly beloved... we are gathered here

to witness a star being born.

A star who will shine for many, many, many, many, many leagues.

And this moment is almost as big as I am

and I have some important people that I want to thank.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

First and foremost, you, Kiki.

The woman I met three days ago, uh... on...

It was a-a boat of love

a, uh... a cornucopia of... doin' it.

And I-I am so glad that you are in my life.

♪ I love you ♪

I love this bitch. And so let's make a toast to me.

- Jonesy! - Look, everyone! It's on!

- 'Oh, my God.' - Shh, shh, shh!

'It's gotta be High Sierra Carpeting.'

'Right off I-80 at Exit 57...'

'Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Here comes me! Here I come.'

♪ And the installation is free ♪

Where were you in it?

Maybe that's the second version of it.

I...

Baby? Kiki!

'Baby girl, come here!'

That turtle didn't even look like me!

'You sounded good, though.'

Hey! Jones! Yeah!

Saw the commercial. Hey, what happened, dude?

Seven-hour shoot, and a turtle.

You went with that?

Well, what happened to me?

Camera ready. Okay.

Um, what happened...

I've only gotten one payment. $200.

What happened... I haven't even gotten all my checks.

So... one time.

Okay.

- That's all? That's it? - 'That's it.'

'Oh, [bleep]. Hey, did he pay for all this, Crystal?'

Emergency! Emergency!

Sir, there's just been a 911 call in the vicinity.

We'll be right back to pay that bill.

Sheriff's department!

You've got insurance and everything

for places like this?

Yeah. Alright.

'He's breathing, though, right?'

Yeah, he's alive.

So what exactly did you do to that poor boy?

'About how much does that run?'

Oh. Alright.

Uh, Dangle, we need to wrap this up

and I probably need to get to a cash machine.

Oh, wait a minute. Here we go.

'Here we go. Lordy, Lordy.'

'Okay.'

Well, Ollie, Ollie, all come free, huh?

- Hey. - What?

I'm glad you're safe, okay?

Okay? You had a hard night, I know.

- Your girlfriend left you-- - 'I'm ruined!'

- 'No, you're not ruined.' - James, I'm ruined!

- Everyone hates me! - Nobody hates you, okay?

- We all love you. - They all hate me!

Trudy threw a bottle at me.

I know. Well, don't worry about Trudy.

She doesn't matter anyways, okay?

'I'm a turtle now! I am useless!'

- 'But, that's you!' - No, it's not!

I'm 'not a turtle!

That [bleep] doesn't look like me.

'You brought that.'

You know what it means to love something-somebody?

- Yes, I know. - Kiki!

Kiki was a whore.

Have you ever [bleep] somebody for three days in a van?

Huh? Have you?

What happens to a man when his dream is deferred?

- Your dream's right there. - No, it's [bleep]!

! Turtle, I'm gonna [bleep] you up!

Aah! It didn't [bleep] break!

Let me tell you something.

In my book, you made it.

You're like the astronauts that went to the moon.

Maybe you didn't get out like Neil Armstrong

but you made it to the moon, my friend.

'How many people get to dance with the stars? Huh?'

You got to dance with the stars.

Tell ya, I d-don't know what I would've done

if I would've lost you to Hollywood.

I mean, I'm happy for... the success you might've had

but I would've lost a good friend, and a partner

and, dare I say

somebody I think of us, maybe a brother of mine.

A brother I never had.

And if there's any good news to this

I guess it's that we could still continue to be partners.

Oh, I wanna go to a strip club.

- You wanna go to a strip club? - Y-y-yes.

Boy, I sure learned a lot this week.

A lot about friendship.

And keeping your feet on the ground.

If you like to learn a little bit more about voiceover work

and or law enforcement

why don't you check out your local library.

I'm sure they'll be able to help you out.