Original subtitles

- Hey, give me all of his-- - 'Hey, hey, hey!'

You gotta help me out here, the guy in cell G

he's tryin' to hang himself.

Come on! Hurry!

- Come on! - 'Don't do it! Don't do it!'

Sir, do not hang yourself!

Oh, baby, I'm already hung.

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!

Oh, my God!

- Whoo! - 'Hold it!'

- What... - No, no... Oh!

'Whoa!'

Go, go, go!

- Hey, what... - Ho! Ho! Ho!

'This is pretty exciting.'

Did everybody read the memo about our beautiful sister city?

- 'No?' - 'No.'

Our sister city of Wanganui, New Zealand?

No, I think I heard this one, but go ahead and tell it.

'It's not a joke.'

Oh.

The prefect of Wanganui--

- What's a prefect? - Like a mayor.

'Uh, of Wanganui, will be coming to visit'

our fair city and, uh, meeting with the mayor, I guess

and a couple of us will need to escort him around town.

- I want to go. - 'I already picked. It's okay.'

'Who'd you pick?'

Hmm, the people that need to know will know.

- 'Oh.' - Let me guess. You're going.

Yes. Uh, I was gonna go do it with Kimball.

You assume just because he's a colored fella

we're gonna say something offensive or something?

How do you know he's colored?

Wanganui... I'm guessin' he ain't Chinese.

- But it's New Zealand. - 'That's colored.'

I thought they were white there.

- Can I give an English lecture? - Colors, colors.

Can I give an English lesson now?

Um, we don't say colored anymore, by the way.

National Advancement for the Association of Colored People.

But we don't, we don't say crackers, right, anymore?

- You say crackers all the time! - 'Or, hon-honkies.'

No, I don't, I don't say... I write it in my report.

I don't say it.

First thing, "Good morning, cracker."

'That's the very first thing you said to me this morning.'

'All the time.'

I'd like to commend Trudy.

Trudy, would you pass up your notes for a second here?

- Sure. - I'd like to take a moment.

I don't do this very often.

I don't single any of you out

'and, uh, commend you on a job well done'

'but I'd like to commend Trudy because all the time'

that I've been up here talking

Trudy has drawn several things.

Turtle lady, uh, here.

And then lobster crab man with double penis.

And then, uh, monster-mouth baby

with teats and sideways vagina.

Ma'am, would you mind turning down the music?

- 'Hi.' - How you doin'?

'Okay. How are you?'

Ma'am, I suspect that if I were to search this here vehicle

I might find me a little marijuana.

- 'Oh, no.' - No, no way.

No, uh, no marijuana? No, uh, paraphernalia?

- No, uh, no bongs? No scales? - 'No.'

- Nothing at all? - 'Definitely not.'

You're telling me this van is totally clean

of all illicit substances?

'Totally illicit.'

So you didn't mind if I were to come in

and maybe poke around your glove box?

'That would be great.'

See, I noticed all your, uh, stickers out there

with the "Legalize it," and you got--

'Oh, yeah. This is my neighbor's car.'

- 'Neighbor's car, you got?' - 'Yeah.'

'I'm gonna check underneath your dash here.'

'We're headed out to a sit-in up north'

'for this tree that's gonna die.'

'Yeah, a sit-in you got.'

You don't mind if were to check

underneath the vehicle, would you?

'No, that'd be great.'

- Yeah, it'd be great. - 'Groovy.

You see...

...us, uh, police officers ain't quite as dumb

as you hippies think we are.

Sometimes, what they do is they strap keys of marijuana

underneath the vehicle 'cause they think

we ain't gonna search there, but...

damn.

Well, now, you, uh, appear to be clean.

You just, uh, try and mind the speed limits, alright?

'I'll try.'

'Have a groovy day.'

- You have a good day now. - 'Thanks, officer.'

.

I wish we had had time to look up a little bit

of the Wanganui language.

I do too.

Well, I did have time, to be honest

last night, but I ended up--

But you just didn't.

No, I curled up in front of "The OC..."

And I had a big pint of Chubby Hubby, and then...

...my over, uh, my morbidly obese friend, Margaret, called

and she got talkin' and she was cryin'

she was all upset because they're mad at her-at her job.

Anyway, long story short, I didn't learn any Wanganui.

'The white zone is for immediate loading'

'and unloading of passengers...'

You know, I don't know if he's gonna be able to read this sign.

So I hope we can recognize him

'cause I don't think he even speaks a word of English.

- Wait a second. - Oh, hello.

- Hello. - Oh.

- Wow. - Your Excellency!

Hail, prefect of Wanganui.

Welcome to Reno.

Biggest little city...

- Oh. He is-- - Oh. New people, new customs...

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Welcome... to Reno.

Jewel of the Silver State, sister...

- That is just... - City...

- Can you believe that? - 'He's kissin' the ground.'

Reno/Tahoe International Airport

is honored that you would kiss its concrete, and we...

- Our concrete is not worth-- - We... go down?

- We go down. We go down. - I think we're supposed to.

- Okay. - Your Excellency.

Welcome to Reno, sister city of Wanganui.

Jewel of the Silver State.

- We... Oh, my goodness! - Oh! Hello!

- 'Hello. It's a ritual.' - 'Oh, my goodness.'

'It's okay. It's a ritual.'

'Different people, different ways.'

'We shall hasten you to the mayor's office.'

The mayor is our...

'For immediate loading...'

...numero uno chieftain.

Your Excellency?

Visiting dignitary.

- Prefect of Wanganui. - That's the smell.

This is the way to our carriage.

Oh, I know what'll get him in.

- Hey, look at that. - 'That's right.'

- 'Oh, good. He likes that.' - Look at that.

He likes that. He's taking the bait. Good, good, good.

- Here we go. - 'Okay.'

And he's in. Got him.

- 'Oh, I got him!' - Got him! Got him.

Get the foot! Get the foot! Get the foot!

Oh!

You are a powerful, powerful man with a powerful smell.

'Oh, dear.'

'The white zone is for immediate loading'

'and unloading of passengers only.'

'There is no parking in the white zone.'

'We've been assigned to come on down to'

'one of the local high schools for, uh, their career day.'

So what we're gonna do is, we have to get

twenty five signatures by the end of the day

or we don't get paid.

- It should be easy. - Yeah.

Plus, we're giving away free magic sponges.

You put 'em in water and they grow

and they become a sponge that says

help us clean up Reno.

- Yeah. - It's just for fun.

It's just for later, they remember--

Yeah, they're at home, washing their hands and they think

"Oh, yeah, I signed up for the police academy."

Today's army will give you

more of an opportunity and prepare you more for life

than anything else you can do.

You can go to faraway exotic places

meet interesting people...

...and force the American will on 'em.

Democracy, liberty, justice.

Does that sound like something you guys would want to do?

- Yeah! - Give me a hoo-ha!

Hoo-ha!

Alright!

Sign up for Sheriff's Department.

Free sponges!

Magic sponges.

One sponge per customer.

Hey, guys, welcome to the Peace Corps table. I'm Catalina.

I just thought I'd tell you a little bit

about the organization. It's really incredible.

We get a lot of celebrities, um, you know

coming to work with us.

And one time, I met Bono. I know!

Is our sign upside down? No, it's good.

Okay, just tell us exactly what happened.

- Our daughter's been kidnapped. - Kidnapped.

We're in town for the junior Miss Pageant...

- Junior Miss Pageant. - At the convention center.

It's a qualifying round, okay?

And we drove in from Carson

and we turned our backs for a second...

'And how tall is she?'

- Three-- - Dakota Fanning's height.

- Yeah, around that. - Which is what?

- Which is around-- - 3'-3'2"-3'3"...

- Somewhere in there. - Adorable. Height, adorable.

What does she look like? How old is she?

She's about six, but she can--

She can play definitely around four.

And she can look older if you put her in lifts

she can do eight, so I would say

anywhere between four and eight range.

She's gone out for eight. She's gone out...

If you can call back. She's never booked eight.

- But she, she can-- - She can. She can.

On her birth certificate

what year does it say she was born?

Well, it says 7/4/99.

It says July, July 4th.

Actually, her real birthday is 7/5--

But July 4th is so much cuter.

Phyllis thought it would be cute if it was the 4th.

Okay, I just need 1999. That's all I needed.

When I say "Miss America" what day do you think of? July 5th?

I think of our daughter's birthday, which is July--

- He works in a computer store. - 'Okay.'

'What's your daughter's name?'

- Ha ha, boring. - Works in a computer store.

- She goes by Schk'ayler. - Oh, God! There's a note!

I'm so sorry. There's a note.

Oh, my God! How could we forget?

Here. Here, the kidnappers--

You've been holding on to that? I thought you gave that

to them already!

"Mom and dad, I have run away.

"Don't try to follow me.

Sorry. Love, Lauren."

- The kidnappers-- - Wait.

You said her name was Schk'ayler. This says Lauren.

That's her real name, on her birth certificate

it's Lauren, but Schk'ayler's her professional name.

Okay, what does she answer to? If we yell to her?

- Schk'ayler or, or Lauren. - 'Schk'ayler or Lauren.'

S-C-H-K apostrophe

A-Y-L-E-R.

We're gonna go and we're gonna look for her.

We're gonna call it in.

We're gonna do, we're gonna even do an AMBER Alert.

Could we maybe, just to get the name out there

could we make it a Schk'ayler alert?

No, we can't. We can't and we won't--

How did that Amber get that gig?

And we'll put the Amber Alert out on

after about 5 p.m., if it takes that long, okay?

Jackasses.

- How you doin', sweet pea? - Hi, kitten.

You are so right.

Mommy and daddy are crazy.

You know what we're gonna do though?

We're gonna take you to get an ice cream.

- How about that? - Yeah.

They don't let you eat ice cream, do they?

'We're gonna fatten you up'

'before we take you back. How about that?'

Wampala nua.

Just do it the way we did it before.

This is our city hall.

This is the hall of the city.

'Our leader is in the interior'

'awaiting your excellency.'

I think it sounds like blah-blah-blahs to him.

Oh, yes, our natural horticulture

That's actually a cigarette butt.

Ah, Ms. striker! Perfect timing.

Welcome, on behalf of the mayor's office

welcome to Reno.

Welcome. I'm Ms. Striker.

'Don't be alarmed.'

- It's, it's a form of-- - 'It's what they do.'

Worship.

Come on. We're so excited that you're here.

- We're so happy-- - 'Oh, okay. Alright.'

Oh, God, there we go. Ahh.

- Sir? - 'Are they gone?'

Your Honor?

Your, Your Excellency?

- No, no... - Absolutely not.

- No! - Not in a million years.

- 'Really?' - Yeah.

Why?

- Why? - Come out of there.

Nobody take that booth.

That booth belongs to me.

- Hello. - Hi, ladies.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How we doin'? - Not so good.

- Not so good? - We have a little problem.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah?

We can't figure this jack out.

You can't figure it out? Well--

- Is this a jack? - Yeah, it is a jack.

- You got a flat tire? - It is a jack.

Yeah, right here.

I'll just go ahead and call a tow truck then.

No. No, no, no, no.

We don't... I have a jack back here.

I have a jack in, uh...

- Would you guys mind? - Hey, calm down, okay?

- Yeah. - Well, okay.

We got this.

Work with me, follow my lead, and...

I'm gonna show you where your V block is here.

What your V block is, is that's where

you're gonna put your jack.

Anywhere else on the car you're gonna damage the frame.

- 'How's that sound?' - Yeah.

Well, hold on, hold on. Hold on.

See, now, hear that? Hear that?

Now, watch this.

'See this little doohickey right here?'

'It's connected to your air filter and your carburetor.'

I'm just gonna twist that a little bit.

Now you see the difference?

- You guys are so nice. - Oh, no.

Yeah. Thank you so much.

I don't know what we would've done.

No, don't worry about it, you know?

That's what we do, you know?

You guys pay taxes for us to, you know, help you guys out.

- Pretty clean now. - No.

You better do it a little bit, a little bit more.

Welcome to Reno's finest, Haywood.

- He signed up. - Haywood...

Haywood ja-[bleep]-me.

- Real cute. - That was awkward.

Real cute.

What have we got here? You got--

- We got a lot of names. - We got Ben Dover.

- Yeah? - We got, uh, Fartie Lang.

Goesinya.

The ham burglar.

Yeah, I don't know if that one's for real.

- Yeah. - Who threw the Frisbee?

- 'Excuse me?' - Whose Frisbee is this?

Does it belong to you?

It belongs to our table, but no one here threw it.

Please control your Frisbees, ma'am, okay?

'Cause it wound up over there.

That's sensitive, delicate

expensive army equipment.

Right, why don't you control your military

so that they stop killing civilians and innocent children?

Why don't you go hug a tree, lady

before you start flapping your cakehole

I can kill you with this Frisbee 33 different ways.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

- That's a very, very ugly... - We get to kill people too!

Sign up, uh, 18-week course.

You get to carry a gun.

You should try to promote friendship and peace.

We have 47,000 American troops in Sri Lanka right now

doing exactly that.

It's a peacekeeping humanitarian effort.

No guns, sister.

Excuse me, we have 17 people working in our station right now

except two are out on maternity leave.

It's a great opportunity to meet people

and talk on telephones and drive cars--

Keep the peace in your own streets

and shoot at people who are Americans.

Damn right!

- So, you're 21. - Yeah.

- Just turned. - Just turned?

- Wow, that's a fun age. - I know.

Are you gonna do a little drinking?

How old are you? 42?

- Okay, here's left. - 'Okay.'

- Left. - 'Yeah. Okay.'

- Okay? - 'Okay.'

Now, I'm gonna dial it up right.

- Okay. - Right. Right. Right.

- Yup, yep, that's-- - Good.

- Now, get in the middle. - Does that sound good?

- That sounds better. - Get in the middle.

- Okay. - Okay, here we go.

Here we go with the fader.

Here we go. There we go with the fader right there.

- Got it? - 'Yeah. Oh, yeah!'

Yes, yes, yes.

- Wow. - That's how it fires.

Go ahead and fire one into the hillside there.

- Really? - Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead.

Whoa!

I don't know, you guys should meet up with us though.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, no problem.

- Jones, do you have a pen? - Oh, yeah.

Give him your number.

Do I have a pen. Come on, now.

I'll put it in your pocket for you.

- I'm thrilled. - There you go.

Alright, well, it was nice meeting you.

- Hey, it was good to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Thank you so much. - Okay.

- Bye-bye, ladies! - Bye-bye!

Bye, Edie! Bye, Judith!

Alright. There you go.

Yeah. You.

'We got an APB for a 2005 red Dodge Viper.'

'Two Caucasian women. Nevada license.'

'Charlie, Roger, Henry, 5-7-6.'

- Wait, uh... - Uh...

- Get the-- - They-they got my keys.

They got my keys.

Our shirts are in there.

Take that, you mother sucker!

I'll blow your brains out!

There you go.

This is fun.

This is fun!

'Or jambo, actually, as we say in Kenya.'

That's South African for hi

so, um, you can learn other languages too, and...

What a day, huh?

- Yeah. - What a day.

Actually, I was trying to save the pizza

for people who sign up, but...

I think it's great, what, uh, you chicks are doin', you know?

I really believe in, like, all that, uh...

...singin' across borders and...

...teachin' the little Orientals how to play basketball.

I think, uh, you know, you do...

Well, I'm into all that [bleep].

Thanks. Actually, we...

We do a lot more than, than teach sports to Orientals.

And actually, they prefer to be called Asian.

Oriental, um, you would call this oriental.

Oriental's a thing, not a--

Orientals. Yeah, I don't like to think that way.

I like to think of them as people.

'You know, teachers get the exact same medical'

'and dental that we get.'

'Yeah, that's...'

'I mean, I always thought I'd be a teacher.'

'I'm not great with kids, I guess.'

'Yeah.'

'You know, if I'm gonna be around...'

'...people with guns, I'd rather be armed.'

'Yeah. Ain't that the truth.'

Have a good flight back to Wanganui, now.

- 'Your Excellency!' - 'We got half...'

Yeah, we've got about 30 minutes.

- Yeah. - Wonderful.

Car's this way...

- Oh! Oh, no. Okay-- - Your Excellency.

- 'Okay.' - Oh, dear.

'Where'd he go? Hey! Hey...'

No, no, no, no, no!

Okay.

Bush.

Ow!

Did I hear you say that you were in Peru in '03?

Yeah, I was in Peru in '03.

- Because I was there. - 'Really?'

Yeah. We were on that irrigation mission, you know?

We were trying to...

We were sanitizing the water

for the irrigation mission.

I mean, you couldn't probably see me.

I was in camouflage, but I was there.

I... I, I'm, I have to admit, I had no idea

that that the army did that kind of thing.

- Absolutely. - I'm really impressed.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, would you be interested in, in getting a...

...a tea or...

You, you probably drink coffee. I could try it.

Yeah, I-I do drink coffee.

Yeah? We could do, like, an herbal tea/coffee thing.

- That would be fun. - Yeah.

You're not allergic to latex, are you?

- No. - Alright.

'Not that I know.'

I, uh, I don't know

if I can, uh, abandon my post, really.

We'll watch stuff for you, if you want.

- Yeah. - 'Would you?'

Yeah, nobody'll try anything with us here.

- 'It's what we do.' - Thank you.

Okay, so let's go get that drink.

- Great. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Thanks a lot.

Okay, we'll see you later.

- Go. - Go, go, go.

- Your Excellency. - Your Excellency.

- Reno/Tahoe. No, don't-- - He's not coming.

Don't touch that!

Your Excellency, we have been greatly honored by your visit.

And now we must part ways.

Thank you for the honor.

- Your... Ohh. - . [bleep] that.

- Okay, last time, last time. - My knees are killing me.

- Alright. - Okay. Very good.

No, no. We did it. We already did it.

Very good. Big medicine.

- Iron bird! - Bye-bye.

Iron bird will leave!

No! No! He's going the wrong way.

Okay. Let's go.

- Well... - He'll figure it out.

- We got him here safe. - Yeah.

Hey...

Is there a circus in town?

'Ooga-booga-booga.'

- Oh, man. - 'Sup, blood?

'Take me to, must-must eat Fay Wray.'

'Please bring spear.'

Okay, first of all, alright

dropping the H-bomb at the top, uncomfortable.

Right now, both of you, freebies for realsies.

You and me, one smooch. No cost.

You and us, no smooch.

I'm-I'm this close to really laying one on you.

- 'Really?' - Okay?

- 'You want it.' - 'Cause it's tempting.

You want it bad. I can tell.

You... You know what?

But I think it might be the Cheeto crumbs in your beard

but I've got to say, not today.

'I have a comb.'