Original subtitles

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Garcia! Open the door!

- Garcia! - Come on!

Open the door!

'What the hell? What?'

A cyanide truck just jackknifed in your neighborhood!

Everybody's gotta put these masks on!

- Put this on! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know what's going on, ladies.

Get Garcia to put on the stupid mask

get him run down the street in my underwear like some--

No! Nobody cares if you're in your underwear.

No! Ain't no cyanide truck in--

You can tell Dangle or whoever's behind this thing

there ain't no cyanide truck in the...

- Whoo! - 'Come here!'

- What... - No, no... Oh!

'Whoa!'

Go, go, go!

- Hey, what... - Ho! Ho! Ho!

♪ Wake up you sleepy heads and put your thinking caps on ♪

♪ And come and learn to read with Reading Ron ♪

♪ It's all just as easy as your A B Cs ♪

♪ And all of you at home can read along with me ♪

♪ 'Cause Reno's little babies love reading reading ♪

♪ Reno's little babies love Reading Ron ♪

♪ Reno's little babies love reading reading ♪

♪ So come along with Ron ♪

♪ Read along with Ron ♪ ♪ Me ♪

Hi. Reading Ron here.

It's good to see all of you.

You might remember we were reading about

"The Adventures Of Mr. Cop-A-Feel

and Principal McTouches-Too-Much."

Well, today, we're going to see some cops

on the right side of the law.

We're here at the Reno Sheriff's Department

and they're just starting this morning.

Let's go see what they're doing.

Hi. We're inside the Reno Sheriff's Department

and I'm being kind of quiet because this is where

the urgent, urgent business of the day

is being taken care of.

Let's listen in and see what they're talking about.

Um...

Let's meet this officer.

Officer, what are you, what-what are you wearing?

First of all, you have shorts on.

Uh, yes, I have shorts.

We wear shorts to the swimming pool

and we wear them to the beach.

Do you wear them to the, the pool or the beach?

Oh, sure, when we're working on patrol

we have to go... to the beach.

'What do you find at the beach when you're there?'

Uh, one, uh... the last time

we were at, uh, the beach

uh, Travis, uh, stepped on a hypodermic needle

and, uh, he thought maybe he'd contracted AIDS.

- Okay, um-- - I got off easy.

I got hep, but I mean, I considered myself lucky.

- It was just hep. - Could you stop for a second?

- Um... yeah... - 'Okay.'

If you'll find another word that would substitute--

'Okay. I got it, I got it. Okay. I got it.'

So like use beach ball or something. Okay.

This officer is wearing shorts

and sometimes he goes to the beach, I imagine.

What do you find there?

Well, the last time we were at the beach

Travis stepped on a beach ball

and thought he had contracted AIDS.

You know what, can we cut... Can we stop for a second?

You are going to have to cover that.

'Uh, Officer Dangle, can we just cover that?'

Your bosoms? Her bosoms?

'Well, yeah, it's for children'

and, uh, do you mind if I just, just--

- I mind. - 'Clemmy?'

'It's to just cover it up, just a little bit.'

'If you want to touch 'em, you just say something--'

, people, we had a [bleep] talk

before Reading Ron came in, okay?

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.'

No, that's okay. Those are, um...

We call those awkward timeouts.

'Okay.'

Here's an officer who likes books for her children

and she reads them a lot with them

and I imagine their father too.

'No.'

Well, no, not all of 'em 'cause only like

one of my kids' daddies can, like

he can read good, you know?

'That would be reading well.'

That's sometimes nice to have two daddies in a house.

Some people have two lesbian mothers

or two gay dads.

And some kids are products of rape.

Um...

Well, this is very exciting.

Reading Ron is in a police cruiser

and we've talked about this a lot.

The cruiser cruises and we roll.

That's right, I'm with Deputy Junior.

How you doing?

Deputy Junior is doing

what we call rolling or cruising.

We are rolling, isn't that what they call it

when they say, "Let's roll?"

Uh, well, technically

rolling means you've taken ecstasy.

Like when the kids will say, "Are you rolling?"

And that means that they already ingested a hit of ecstasy.

And e-ecstasy does not start with X.

Can I just stop this for a second?

We're rolling right now, and when we roll

we go down streets, and we look and see

what people are doing in their yards and on the street.

Some of them are watering their grasses, some people are--

We got a prostitute right here. Uh...

If we see a prostitute, just say, "A bucket.

I saw a bucket."

- I saw a bucket. - A bucket.

Oh, look, there's a bucket going

on a Puerto Rican right there.

Sheriff's Department! We have a warrant!

Sheriff's Department!

We have a warrant for the arrest of Mr. Yugioh Fenab.

Open the door, please!

We have a warrant for your arrest, Fenab!

Alright, freeze! Freeze!

'Mr. Fenab?'

'Mr. Fenab?'

Is he sleeping?

- I got nothing. - He's dead.

- Mr. Yugioh Fenab, stay still! - Don't... He's dead...

- We have-- - Trudy, Trudy...

Did you miss the part where I said he was dead?

- Oh. - I'll get a paramedic.

Uh, yeah, we got, uh, we got a cold one on our hands

and, uh, no blood, no signs of trauma, nothing.

- Is his face yellowish? - 'Uh-huh.'

His name, again, his name is Mr. Fenab.

So... Check his tongue.

And what are we looking for on the tongue there?

- Ahh. - Like red dots?

Red, like raised taste buds, yeah.

Yeah, I can stay on the line.

He's getting the CDC.

- What's that? - Center for Disease Control.

- Why? - He's getting the CDC?

Mm-hmm. Hey, yeah. Jim Dangle here.

Oh.

Oh.

'Thanks, Brian. Thanks, Tim.'

'Um, alright, well, here's the deal.'

Uh, basically, I just took a sample from the body.

Um, I got to quarantine this place

and I'm gonna send the sample off to Atlanta

and that takes 48 hours.

- Oh. - Oh.

J-just-just for, uh-uh, knowing

uh, and h-how long till SARS

uh... takes effect and kills us if we have it?

Oh, it's, uh, 36 hours.

I just read it in a book in the truck.

- Oh, I know. Oh, gosh. - Yeah.

- That's what I'm trying-- - I did the math in my head.

'Yeah, that we were all thinking the same thing.'

Ohh, right. Okay.

'Is there any way to expedite that?'

Well, there's nothing I can do.

Why don't I take those.

I am gonna have to burn these, and...

Thank you.

I, uh, I probably, probably should get yours as well.

You wanna give 'em to me? Right. Oh, wonderful.

Sorry about that, Joe.

Alright. Well, um, I'll be back in a couple of hours

and, um, you guys sit tight.

Thank you though. We appreciate it.

You know, I'd rather not shake your hand.

Thanks, guys.

'Thank you.'

How many days is 48 hours?

It's two days.

- That's what I thought. - Two days.

Guys. Guys, guys!

- Great news! Great news! - 'What?'

The Lady Wolfpack is up by ten.

'You guys basketball fans?'

You know, when you work in show business, Junior

you feel the pressure at all times.

That you could be a star one day, like I am now. People kno--

Or like you want to be one day. Right?

I mean, I would say the Radish was a star, but like--

No, the Radi...

Like, you show people a picture of Jim Henson

most people are like, "Who's that hippie?"

But like you show 'em Kermit the Frog

then they're like, "Hey, Kermit the Frog. Whoo!"

You know, the Radish plays alongside me.

The Radish is a sidekick.

I'm always with the Radish.

Every time you see the Radish, you see me.

Alright, this guy's, uh, flagging me down here.

Yeah, you're gonna want to just keep rolling.

Yeah, what, do you need something, sir?

You know what, just-just...

'You know what, just keep going.'

- You need something, sir? - 'Yeah.'

T-this one right there. I saw him, officer.

- Me? Me? - Hey, what's up, man?

What's going on?

You know what, I think he has me mist...

He's mistaken me for someone.

- You know me from-- - No, I know you.

You know me from the... He knows me from Reading Ron.

- It-it happens to me. - Hey, Ron Steinberg.

- Steinberg? - Yeah.

Your last name's Steinberg?

Let me talk... You know, can I talk--

Listen, mother [bleep], you owe me.

- Hands outside the vehicle. - You owe me, mother [bleep].

Outside the vehicle, sir. Outside the vehicle, sir.

'[bleep] dammit. Don't' [bleep]--

'What the [bleep] is the matter with you, mother[bleep]?'

'I am getting my life back together again.'

- 'You're [bleep]--' - 'You [bleep] owe me 200--'

'I don't owe you anything.'

'You tell Dale I did not give his sister herpes.'

'I did not do that.'

I don't know.

Sometimes fans get so enthusiastic

and it's uncomfortable for everybody.

- Jonesy? - Hmm?

That's my boob.

Well, let's pull it together, okay?

Okay.

- Trudy? - Yeah?

- Um... - 'I know.'

You want to have sex with me because I'm the

kind of the last woman on Earth in this case.

Let's get it over with.

I'll let you, uh, uh...

We've... had... our differences.

Mm-hmm.

- And they've been bad. - Mm-hmm.

I've said things about you I...probably didn't mean.

- Mm-hmm. - You know?

I mean, I meant them, but I don't-I don't really mean them.

- And I just want to say... - Mm-hmm.

That I think...

- When... - Uh-huh.

- We're gone... - Uh-huh.

- Sometime tomorrow afternoon... - Uh-huh.

We're all gonna be somewhere better...

Uh-huh.

- Did you just fart? - Mm-hmm.

'Well, we've seen a lot of things today'

and one of the places that they have here

at the Reno Sheriff's Department

is kind of a toy closet. You have one at home.

Let's go in and see what the deputy

is playing with inside here.

- Hi, deputy. - Hey, Reading Ron.

What's in this room?

It's colorful, and there are lots of toys.

- I see some skates up there... - There are lots of things...

Lots of signs with words like "Bulk property--"

"Requires a booking slip."

Uh, booking slips.

Well, a booking slip is something

I'm gonna fill out later when you're not here

because this is kind of sad.

This belonged to a mother

who was carrying her baby in this.

And this particular mommy was roller-skating.

- 'Ha ha! That's fun.' - 'With the baby.'

'And she got hit by a car.'

And both the mommy and the baby are now dead

but we have these things, and I was gonna tag 'em

'but I'll wait and do that later.'

That's great.

This we found on the scene of a fetish video

where pregnant women were standing in bikinis on rocks

and firing their AK-47s

but they were underage, so we had to bring it in.

What do you got down there? W-what's-what's that there?

It looks like... It's not exactly Play-Doh, is it?

Oh, this is... Ohh! Okay.

This, you think you know what a white horse is or a white pony.

This is a different kind of white pony.

If you happen to be snooping around

when your legal guardian is not at home

and you find some of this, leave it alone.

It is very expensive.

Can, uh, you mind if I just...

You mind if I just...

This-this is a... Jeez, it takes me back.

Jeez, it takes me...

Oh, that's... Wow.

I lost a lot of things...

I lot a lost of thi... I lost a lot because of this.

Um...

And, uh, I had a-a, a wife and a kid.

I had a house with a gate.

Uh, I don't live there anymore.

I live in a little apartment now.

Do you think that I wanted to do this

for the rest of my career?

You think I wanted to teach little children how to read?

You know what, I hate [bleep] kids.

I can't stand them.

'I don't want to have anything to do with them.'

See that road down there in the hallway and how it all just...

The end of my career is at the end of it.

'I'm sorry about your show today.'

I want to thank all you deputies

for just shoving your boots right up my [bleep] hole.

You know how you spell that?

- Well, I got-- - .

And then you follow it up with an H-O-L-E.

- 'Is it up there?' - 'It's good.'

'Is he gonna stay up there though?'

I think so. He's got some food up there.

- He's got food. - H-he's fine.

Uh, well, what we did is we borrowed one of Wiegel's cats

and stuck him up on this roof 'cause "Reading Ron's Show"

we ain't getting nothing achievable

so we thought maybe cat rescue.

Kids like that, right?

What do we got here? A dead hooker?

'Are you gonna show me some semen samples--'

No semen today.

- Oh, great, great. - Got something you can use.

Oh, oh, lucky you happened to stop by.

We have a code 2. Uh, and what that is--

That's great, you got a head in a box.

You're gonna show a head in a box. That's great--

No, it's a cute little cat up on the roof.

- There's a cute little cat... - You really got a c-cute cat...

Yeah. A cute little cat is caught up on the roof

and a little girl called, so that the brave men and women--

You know what? Let me do this. Why don't I handle this?

It's Reading Ron's program.

Words are everywhere, you'd be

surprised where you might find them.

You might find some cops.

You might find a cat but on a house.

Two Cs, a kuh and a kuh...

...is called alliteration.

- Right? - Alliteration.

Help that kitty, cops.

Alright! Let's go!

- 'Let's do it.' - 'Let's do it.'

- 'Yo, guys, get the ladder.' - 'Get her, Junior.'

Yeah, it's alright. It's alright, kitty-kitty.

It's okay. Don't make any false moves or nothing.

You can do it. Oh, got ya.

How's that cat coming? Don't hurt him.

Got him. Aah! Aah.

'Yay!'

Another satisfied customer here in Reno. Ow!

Jeez. Holy [bleep].

'Ohh!'

God! God!

God!

- Ron! Ron! Reading Ron! - 'Oh, my God.'

Don't you [bleep] Ron!

Reading Ron is, he is fired Ron.

damn this.

'Okay.'

'He's okay.'

- 'Just let him walk it off.' - 'It's not our fault.'

'Walk it off, Ron!'

'W-A-L-K! Walk it off!'

You know, we-we could get another cat.

We could try it again.

'I'm gonna put on a record. How about that?'

Will that cheer everybody up?

Here we go. This will be fun.

- This will be fun. - Okay.

Is it at the wrong speed, do you think?

Let's get in a massage line.

- Okay. - 'Alright.'

- Does that feel good? - Yeah. That's great.

- Mm. - Wow.

- 'Feel good?' - Yeah.

- 'Oh, Jonesy, that's nice.' - Trudy? Trudy?

You can turn it up a little bit.

You like that?

Trudy.

- You like the massage? - Trudy? Trudy?

- You like that massage, Trudy? - I do, yeah.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm. - Yeah. I do.

I want more of it.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

- Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh!

Oh, yeah.

You smell like peanut butter cookies. You know that?

Oh.

Oh, this can't be good.

- 'What have we got here.' - 'Cover me.'

- 'Oh, my God.' - God! God!

Look where we find ourselves.

Hi, guys. Here, I'm glad you're all here.

'Did you ever hear the story of "Reading Ron Eats A Gun?"'

It's got a man who has a reading show

on public television with a gun.

Ron! Ron!

God, it's hot in here!

Put down the gun, Ron!

- 'D-O-W-N, down!' - Damn!

- 'It's your lucky day, buddy.' - This is my lucky--

'It's your lucky day 'cause guess who's on the phone?'

'It's your wife and your little girls...'

- 'Oh, baby.' - And she wants to reconcile.

'Tell Phyllis I love her.'

- 'Would you tell Phyllis--' - 'Why don't you tell her?'

- She's a whore. She's a whore! - 'No, she's not. No!'

- 'Don't point that gun!' - She's a whore.

- Hey, Phyllis! Damn! - 'She says she's sorry.'

- 'Ron!' - 'It's a free phone call.'

- 'Don't blow it.' - I'm putting the gun down.

- 'Put the gun.' - 'You're an attractive man.'

- 'Good for you, Ron!' - 'Good for you.'

- 'Good for you.' - 'Good for you.'

- There you go. - 'That's all.'

- 'That's how we do it.' - 'Oh.'

- Good job, Junior. - What a dick.

I'm so cold. Oh, God, I'm so cold.

- 'Hello? Anybody home?' - 'What?'

Oh, hey, guys!

Great news! It was AIDS!

AIDS?

Morning, gang. To our debut

on Reno's Channel 58.

- Oh. Oh. - Hey!

'Oh, wake up.'

'He looks fine. He's fine.'

Pulled his act together, and I believe he's gonna be just fine.

♪ And all of you at home can read along with me... ♪

That man is awesome.

Yeah, I love red.

♪ ...with Ron ♪ ♪ Me ♪ ♪ ...with Ron ♪ ♪ Me ♪

'Oh, there's Radish. Check it out.'

Welcome to "Reading With Ron."

I'm Dr. Radish, the reading radish.

This week, I'm sorry to say

Reading Ron is taking a little time out.

'He'll be back in eight weeks, we hope.'

Until then, I'll be your host.

This week, we're meeting the greatest heroes of Reno

'who put their life on the line every day.'

I'm talking, of course, about our firemen.

Son of a bitch.

You have got to be kidding me.

'Oh, man.'

What the hell?

I had to ride around with that prick for eight hours.

♪ And come and learn to Ron... ♪

. I really got to say you have a [bleep] in your mouth.

It's your wife's.

♪ Come along and read along with me and Ron and... ♪

God!

I'm gonna [bleep] cut you up with a salad shooter

and sprinkle you all over my greens.

That's funny 'cause your wife's a vegan too.

♪ Reno's little babies love reading reading ♪

this for God's sake.

What [bleep] Christ.