Original subtitles

'Sheriff's Academy cadets, at ease!'

Sound off.

- 'Reese.' - Sir, yes, sir.

- 'Kimball.' - Sir, yes, sir.

- 'Manderson.' - Sir, yes, sir.

- 'Jackson.' - Sir, yes, sir.

- 'Dupree.' - Sir, yes, sir!

Each of you has completed 18 weeks

of Sheriff's Academy training.

But real cop school starts today.

'Here's where you start payin', people.'

In sweat.

Only one of you will be the best of the best.

And only one is what our current budget situation allows

so I apologize for that.

I wish I could take you all, but I can't.

- Manderson. - Sir, yes, sir.

- How tall are you? - 6'2-1/2", sir.

Get out of here.

Double time, double time, double time, boy.

- Dupree. - Sir, yes, sir!

- Top of your class. - Yes, sir!

- Speak three languages. - Sir, yes, sir!

Jeet Kune Do Master.

- Yes, sir. - Wow.

He's the one to beat, people.

'Eyes on Dupree.'

Alright, Dupree, go get the gun belts.

Sir, yes, sir!

Medic!

- Whoo! - 'Come here!'

- What? - No, no... Oh!

Oh!

Go, go, go!

Hey, where's your... Hoh, hoh, hoh!

The idea of adding a new deputy goes like this.

Uh, what we have in the officers

we have now are a lot of ingredients.

Uh, pepperoni...

Uh, raw egg...

Uh, strong gouda cheese.

The thing is that we have ingredients

that are a recipe for nothing.

And we're missing one of those things that turns something...

...uh, that's just a bunch of stuff into something useful.

'Uh, don't take that in a personal way.'

The Reno Sheriff's Department

is a perfect law enforcement engine

and you do not make an engine faster

by addin' another part.

You make an engine faster by puttin' nitrous in it.

And I don't mean an analogy.

I mean, we should get nitrous in our cars.

'Pull over!'

'Cop car's following you, okay? You're gonna have to give up.'

'Get off the bike, sir!'

- ♪ you! - 'Oh!'

'Is that how it's gonna be?' Okay, fine. Cut him off.

Freeze, sir!

- 'Hey. Hey! Get off that bike!' - I got him!

- I got him! - Freeze!

- I got him! - Son of a bitch.

- 'Oh, damn.' - 'Oh.'

'Ohh!'

No.

'Whoo!'

Shut up.

Oh, man.

Got him!

- 'Yes, you did.' - 'Good for you.'

'You get to do the paperwork, hot dog girl.'

Great job. Fantastic.

Hey, James Garcia.

- Hi, James. - Nice to meet you.

- Welcome to the force. - Thank you.

Wow, where'd you learn that stuff?

- At the Marine Corps. - Well, ten-hut.

- Got him. - Nice.

- "I got him." - Beginner's luck.

"I got him."

That was a good grab there.

"I learned that in the Marine Corps."

If I wasn't on my period, I could've did that.

Aah!

Sorry. My brakes are gettin' squirrelly on me.

I've had some boots on layaway

here at Zapateria La Ballerina.

'For western fashions here in Reno'

you really can't beat Zapateria La Ballerina.

'Well, you can, but not at these prices, really.'

Let's do it.

It's go time.

Genuine ostrich.

Three payments.

Oh!

Wait, what? I'm just goofin'.

New boot goofin'.

Oh!

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

It's an important...

- Oh, the God squad. - Boom!

- Hi. - Hey! How's God doing today?

- Yeah! - Fine. Jehovah's good.

Yeah?

Hey, does Jehovah have a permit to be in the neighborhood today?

I think Brother Thor might have the permit.

'Is that Brother Thor?'

- 'That's Brother Thor.' - Sir.

- Jones? - 'That's Brother Thor.'

- Ow! Ow! Ow! - 'I got him.'

- 'That's Brother Thor.' - Sir, relax.

Sir... Sir, 144,000 people make it into heaven.

- Would you like to be one? - Yes, sir.

Would you like to hear the good news about Jehovah?

- Yes, I would. - 'We need your home address.'

I tell you, I'd love to get...

...one... new... dep

who was a little bit...

...less of a complete...

...fudge-up.

I can follow.

Fudge-up.

I feel like we got a lot of fudge-ups.

- For sure. - We're like, uh...

So many fudge-ups at our station...

...that they ought to put a...

They ought to slap a sign on the front of itself

and call it a fudge factory.

It's like a fudge-packing district.

Pretty much.

Reno 12-Charlie-7. We got a jumper.

We got a jumper. Hoh, hoh, hoh. Hoh, hoh, hoh.

- Hey! - 'Hey!'

- 'T.T.' - 'Calm down, now.'

- 'Hey!' - 'No, don't come here.'

- I'm gonna kill myself. - 'No, no, no, no, no!'

- 'No, no, no, no!' - 'Hoh, T.T., don't do that!'

Pretty girl, no, you don't want to do that.

Oh, son of a... I don't...

I do not want to call the fire department, the EMTs.

'It's a whole ♪ damn production.'

Give me a shot at this one.

- One shot. - You want this?

- You want to go, Reese? - Yeah, I want this.

Okay. You better take this.

- She likes this. - Alright.

- 'Now!' - Let's rock this joint.

'Fine. Let the rookie take it.'

'Yeah. Rock it ***.'

And he's gonna do the paperwork too.

- Hell, yeah. - 'No, no, no! No.'

- 'No. No! No!' - 'No, no!'

I'm right here. Nobody's gonna die today.

- 'Oh, oh!' - Nobody's gonna die today.

Lookit. Look, look. Look, look, I'm putting down my gun.

- 'Stay back.' - Look at that.

I don't need my gun.

- Nobody's gonna die today. - 'Stay back.'

- Nobody's gonna die today. - 'I'm gonna kill myself.'

Not on my watch. Come here. Come here!

- Oh! Ugh. - Hoh, hoh!

Reese?

Oh, my ***. Come on!

- Reese! Reese! - Reese!

'They aren't gonna believe in you.'

Then you have to believe in yourself

because sometimes you're all you got.

- You know that? - Yeah.

Well, you make a lot of sense for a white fella.

See, the only person who saw deep inside

was my daddy, and that's the reason why

I take these sticks, 'cause see

my daddy was real skinny and real black.

'Black like a hundred midnights black.'

Oh, like, uh, like, uh, like almost purple.

- Black. Blue-black. - Like, blue-black.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Purple-black. Yeah.

- And ski-inny! You know? - Oh, yeah.

So when I see the stick, why, that remind me of my daddy.

- I get choked up. - Let's go.

- Y'all get away from me! - No, no, no...

- Get away from me! Get back! - It's alright. Please.

Don't invade our space. Honestly.

Okay? Please.

'You're dismissed. Thank you.'

- 'Okay, where were we?' - Yeah.

- Okay. *** yeah. - Good luck getting back, ***.

I like you

way, way better than that great big *á

and that little bitty Mexican they send out here all the time.

- Yeah. - They got to go.

What do I think of Rookie Jackson?

Well, uh, I think she's good breedin' stock.

Not to be too forward

but, uh, she's got the right parts, uh, up here, down here.

She's put together well.

She'd be an asset to our force, and I'd be happy to school her.

I'd say she puts ass in asset to the force.

That she does, my friend.

We're in pursuit of a purse snatcher.

Requesting backup. Whoa!

- Uh, alright. - Okay, come on.

Uh, wait, no, grab it on the...

There's a lot of dirt over here.

'Jackson!'

Oh.

She's like a little cat.

'Oh, uh... Oh!'

- Got it! - 'That was cool.'

We need more white, cool, David Lee Roth

white people *** like that in the world.

Tha-that was cool.

I could've done that. For real. I could've done that.

'Sheriff's Department! Stay where you are.'

- 'Hands where we can see 'em.' - 'Hands where we can see 'em.'

'You know why we're here, don't you? You know?'

- 'I don't know.' - You don't know?

- You don't know? - No.

No, I don't know.

So you wouldn't know anything about

the First Western Bank being robbed this morning

by a gentleman...

A gentleman with...

...a crossbow, Frisbee!

'A man with a crossbow.'

I-I don't, I don't know what you're talkin' about.

You don't know what we're talking about?

- Frisbee... - No.

Guess how many people in this area

subscribe to Crossbow Enthusiast.

- 'I don't know. 2000.' - One!

You want to hear the description of the fella we're lookin' for?

- 'Let's hear it, Travis.' - And see if it rings any bells?

- Let's see if it reminds us-- - Quieten down!

- Wearing a ski mask... - Yeah.

'Beard stickin' out under the ski mask...'

- 'Yeah.' - 'Strawberry-ish.'

'Yeah.'

'Woman drivin' the getaway car, also in ski mask.'

- 'Very pregnant. Underage.' - Yeah. Yeah.

'Six kids in the back of the pickup truck.'

Yeah. Well...

Remind you of anybody, Frisbee?

Don't sound... Does not ring a specific bell.

- Don't sound familiar? - No.

Wouldn't know anythin' about that, would you, Frisbee?

No, I don't know anything about it.

You wouldn't, uh, perhaps, have a alibi

for yourself this mornin', would you?

- Where were you, Frisbee? - 'Around 8:32?'

I was making a hammock, I was making a hammock out of weeds.

- Can I see that? - It didn't go very well.

I don't know. No, it-it-it frayed up.

- It frayed up on you? - Yeah.

So if we were to take a look at your hands

we wouldn't see any of the blue paint

'that the bomb let off, that the bank put in--'

Dye bomb in the bag, Frisbee. Blue dye bomb. No hiding it.

- I don't... No! - Let's see the hands.

Huh?

You want to talk to it?

'No, we don't want to talk to the hands.'

- ***. - Sorry to do that to you.

Stay out of trouble. You know anybody else that's, uh...

- 'Yeah, who else around here?' - 'Crossbow...'

- Get in the house! - 'On the ground!'

- On the ground! On the ground! - On the ground, Frisbee.

'Set the beer down and get on the ground. Da-da!'

'Don't drink the beer, set it ***.'

Damn it, Frisbee, get on the ground.

- No, don't-don't do it. - Don't.

Frisbee, no! No, Frisbee, no!

We don't need Reese, you know?

And for an Italian...

I don't think Reese is an Italian name. I mean, what is...

- I bet he changed it. - I bet he did too.

- Them Italians change it. - Yeah.

- Probably, uh... - Reesatoni.

Or Corleone, or something like that.

Jared Reese. Giovanni Corleone Reesatoni.

Reesatoni. Yeah.

I'm surprised they let Italians be police officers.

I mean, that's... I mean, to me that seems

like, uh, letting pedophiles be teachers, yo-you know?

It just don't, it seems like the opposite

of what we should be doing if we're giving Italians guns

and puttin' them in charge of crime...

That's already what they do.

What do you call that, Reese?

It's Tai Chi.

- 'Tai what?' - 'Gesundheit!'

An ancient form of Chinese meditation

exercise, and becoming one with the universe and nature.

'Tai Chi. Wasn't that the monkey on that speed racer...'

Uh, yeah, right.

It helps you fight ancient criminals

that move real slow.

'Now it's, like, pushing a file cabinet.'

- 'Push the file cabinet.' - 'Now punch the file cabinet.'

- 'Punch the file cabinet.' - 'He's pulling the...'

'Oh, hey, look, it's, uh, you know, it's that girl.'

- What's-her-face. Uh... - Yeah.

- 'Okay.' - What's up, fellas?

Yeah.

- Something. - Somethin'.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.

Wax on. Wax off.

- 'Travis?' - '*** Jones!'

Holy ***! Hey, that was not cool.

The new rookie Reese is...

I mean, I don't want to be you know, inappropriate

or unprofessional, but if he was a grape

I would suck the love juice right out of his body.

So what do y'all think about the karate kid?

- Oh... - Ha ha ha!

I had to stop myself from writing

Mrs. Clementine Reese on all my reports.

- 'Whoo!' - Hello.

I'm like, "Hi. How you doin'?

What's your name?" Ha ha ha!

Love him? Who do I hate?

- The little, little blondie. - Blond girl.

"Hi. I'm gonna go crochet my own Kevlar."

"Whoops! I gotta go do cartwheels

over to the tampon machine."

"Hi! Hi! Nice to meet you.

It would be a real pleasure to work with you one day."

Hey. How you doing, Wiegel?

Williams? What's up, Clemmy?

- What's up, you. - Hi, lady.

- How's it going? - Got your sweat suit on.

'Bookin' is that way.'

You gotta take him all the way back.

- Alright. Okay. - Alright.

Well, I'll see you later then.

- Okay. - 'Okay.'

- Come on. - Take care.

- Nice to talk to you. - See you later.

Okay.

- 'Who's that?' - I don't remember.

I don't like when people know you that you don't know.

- Yeah. - It sounds very suspicious.

Like, "Oh, hi." Like, "I'm... I know your name."

I don't know who she is, but that was a big perp

she brought in.

'Oh, Craig'

'these conjugal visits are so wonderful.'

'So romantic.'

I could just stare at you all day long.

'Ohh, I wish we had all day.'

Hold on, give me a second here.

You really have it pretty good in here.

Yeah.

It's a lot more spacious than I thought they'd give us.

- Yeah. - It's pretty sweet.

I like the pink walls, you know?

Pink is a good color for intimacy.

Yeah. Pink and yellows.

Oh, I see what you're getting at.

'What? I wasn't, no, I wasn't getting at anything.'

Oh, I thought you were being... Okay.

So, anyways, I guess we should

maybe do a scenario or something.

How about, um

we're both work at, um... a corporation.

- Okay. - Okay.

Mm, I think I'm gonna have lunch now.

- Alright. - Do you want some of my lunch?

No, thanks, I'm not hungry right now.

You, would you like to take a look at what I'm typing?

Oh. I see you're writing a love letter to somebody.

No, it's not a love letter.

It's just a...

No, I'm not writing a love letter.

It's just a, a memo to the boss.

- This isn't working, right? - No, it's not.

I think we have, like, four minutes left.

I feel like we haven't used this...

- Wisely. - Ahem. Yeah.

I'm not a... I'm not feeling sexual right now.

I'm not either, and that's okay.

- Isn't it? - Yeah.

That doesn't mean that our relationship is odd in any way.

- No. - I think things are going well.

I think they're going very well

and I think it's weird when someone says

"Hey, go have sex in that room right now."

Right, we're gonna wait outside the door with shotguns

while you have sex in that room.

Right. Don't feel sexy, mister.

Right.

So, uh, it's been a long week, but the moment of truth is here.

Last night I decided who our new deputy would be.

I vote for Reese.

- You don't get a vote. - 'I...'

I do too.

'You also get no vote.'

On behalf of all the women, we all vote for Reese.

Alright, so that's three votes

equaled... equaling zero because it's my decision.

'Anyway, uh...'

Do we get a vote?

- 'The fellas? Yeah.' - Yeah.

Do you think you do?

I'm sorry, you also get no vote.

'Uh, it was a very hard decision.'

'Uh, I took a lot of things into account...'

...and, uh, I decided on Reese.

- Yes! Yes! - Yeah!

Buh-buh-buh. Buh! Buh! Uh, and then, uh

apparently last night his National Guard Unit

got called up, so he's going to Tikrit

and, uh, took himself out of the running.

'And, uh, the girl, uh...'

- 'Jackson...' - Yes, yes.

Is, uh, g-going on to do ultimate fighting

or something I heard. So we're going with Kimball.

- 'Who?' - Kimball.

- 'Who's that?' - Again, who?

Well, well, she, she looks like, uh...

'Oh, Kimball.'

Hey, uh, could you all maybe give me a hand here?

I collared these two guys. I just need to book 'em.

Just-just book 'em. The forms are right there. Help her out.

We put the guys who did bad things in the jail.

- Al-alright. - 'It's very self-explanatory.'

- 'You'll figure it out.' - Alright, move it, come on!

- Rookie. - 'That one. That's the one.'

- 'Kimball.' - Kim...

She had, like, 17 arrests.

I don't mean to be sexist, but she doesn't really

fill out a sweat suit.

No, she doesn't, really.

Okay, gang, so let's give a very warm welcome

'to the newest member of our family'

'Deputy Kimball.'

- 'Come on up.' - Wow.

'Hey, everybody.'

Uh, my name is, uh, Deputy...

I like saying that. Deputy Kimball.

I just, I did, I did want to say that I don't want anybody

to feel threatened or, like, I'm replacing anybody

'cause that is not the case from what I've been told.

I know I can be intimidating at times

'you know, it's like, I'm wooden on the outside'

on the inside, it's more like, pudding.

- Okay. That was good. Okay. - Uh. Okay. Alright. Okay.

Okay, pudding on the inside, wonderful.

to the "Brady Bunch?"

'You remember that little boy with the blond hair?'

Yeah, that's sort of when it all went downhill.

Well, but my point is, I wasn't Jan.

You know what I'm saying, when they switched Jan.

Kind of like on the "Cosby Show"

when they brought in the little cute, little thing.

- Yeah. - You're, uh...

You're basically like a spare tire.

- 'In case one of us goes flat.' - Uh...

No, like Frasier on "Cheers," kinda.

Very much so.

I-I enjoy that program I'll tell you that.