Original subtitles

You're all fired.

'So if you could turn in your guns and badges'

to, uh, the bailiff here.

'I'm going to personally make sure'

'that you all rot in prison.'

There has been a warrant issued for the arrest

of, uh, District Attorney Mike Powers.

And what will this mean for the deputies

of Reno Sheriff's Department?

Well, they're probably gonna walk scot-free.

'Released on parole, they are ineligible for civil service'

'but they are free.'

'Free to do anything they want.'

Anything expect wear a badge.

District Attorney Mike Powers.

Don't you want to find him arrest him, clear your names?

No, not my job, not my job.

File that under somebody else's business.

Both Jonesy and I are, uh, SEOs here.

Uh, security enforcement officers.

Here at the beautiful Washoe County Mall.

Show me your [bleep].

Yeah! Hell, I didn't think she'd do it.

♪ Do re mi fa so la ti do ♪

♪ Do ti la so fa mi re do ♪

I'm going to Hollywood!

Is what I'll say if I go.

'Hey, Trudy, it's Mike Powers calling.'

'You're never gonna catch me because'

'you're all gonna be dead!'

- Whoo! - 'Come here!'

Aah!

'Whoa!'

Aah! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, where...

Oh, oh! Oh!

What's this guy doing?

Hey! Hey!

Hey, man, whatcha doing?

- 'Hey!' - 'Hello!'

Screw you, you [bleep] nerds!

You gotta pick that up!

- 'Pick that up!' - 'Hey!'

'You'll never catch me alive, you nerds!'

'Okay, we got a runner!'

Hey, you get back here!

Slow down! Ho, ho! No, no! Oh!

Aah!

'The cable's still plugged in.'

'We're plugged in.'

- Heh! Are you nervous? - Huh? Yeah.

Me too.

- Oh, fun nervous. - Uh-huh.

I have to be careful. My mom says I'm all teeth.

Oh, I'm just nervous nervous. I'm not fun nervous.

- Oh, this is fun. This is fun. - I'm just regular nervous.

This is, umm, the chance of a lifetime.

- Now it's fun nervous. - Oh!

I can sense that you're a sweet spirit.

Oh, thank you! I'm Jim.

Oh, Ruth. I go by, I go by Cameo Hamilton.

Oh, you have a go-by.

- Uh-huh. What's your name? - Oh.

Jim. But I don't have a go-by.

- No? - Really. No.

- Sorry. - That's okay.

- I love your banjo. - Oh, thanks.

It's good, yeah. I thought it'd be neat.

Because it sets you apart.

You look so familiar to me. Like...

Did you go to vocal academy on the East Coast?

- Mmm. - Maybe that's where--

- Really briefly. - 'Yeah.'

I was living in my car for a little while.

- No. No. - Yeah.

Yeah, now I'm at the Y. It's pretty good.

Oh, the YMCA. Um...

I tell you, you know what?

You know how they say it's fun to stay there?

- It's not. - No, it is.

Oh, good! Oh, that's awesome.

- It actually really is. Yeah. - That's good.

Sh... I mean showers. I mean you have stuff there.

Oh, they have everything. Oh, my God. They got everything.

Have you never stayed at a Y? Oh, my God, it's the best.

It's the best.

What-ta to do to dye today at a minute to 2 to 2:00?

I think distinctively hard to say and harder still to do.

'Repeat a tattoo at a quarter to 2:00, rat-tat-tat-tat-tat'

tat-tat-tat-tat-to and the dragon will come when they hear

the drum at a minute to 2 to 2:00 today

at a minute to 2 to 2:00.

- That presses that diaphragm. - Oh.

Heh! Oh.

It's a water ride [bleep].

Yeah, I'm filling in for a guy who lost his foot

'on thing yesterday.'

He was in there trying to fix it without

stopping the thing.

So you try to learn from other people's mistakes.

Oh, puke check. Oh, we're good.

Yeah, technically, I'm in charge of maintenance

on these things too, but...

...I don't know how this thing works.

Puke check. We're good!

'"You'll never catch me. Mike Powers."'

That's like the third one of these I've gotten.

I better turn this in to the cops, take it to

the crime lab, check it for particles.

Yeah, there's particles.

Do I think about Mike Powers often?

Um, no.

I could give two [bleep] about Mike Powers.

I really don't.

'That's one more than I could give.'

Well, uh, you know, what happened happened.

He'll get his, but it won't be from us.

No, it's gonna be from them newbies down at the station.

Good luck to you, new Reno Sheriffs.

I hope you get Mike Powers.

'Alright, now the plus about this house...'

is that, its airport adjacent!

- Yeah. - Yeah!

You can really hear it because the planes fly so low

over the houses.

What?

The planes because it's airport adjacent...

That's what I'm saying! Airport adjacent!

The problem is that, uh, it's so loud

it's hard to imagine being able to do anything

because of the noise!

It's so loud!

We do like to travel, but we could...

You want to travel?

- It-it's not a problem if-- - Whoa! Airport adjacent!

But the thing is

I think the luxury of being close

to the airport

is overshadowed by the potential

brain damage caused by the noise

of the planes flying so low overhead!

Why are you yelling?

Well, that one passed by.

Uh, does that happen a lot with the planes?

Oh, no. Uh-huh. Not at all. Not at all.

I am on cloud nine.

And this is what I was meant to do

and if I have to sell incense

from town-to-town to get more

gas money to go see Steely Dan

that is what I'm gonna do, because I just feel like

we have a connection...

Easy, ladies! We don't want another Who concert!

'I am armed! Take it easy.'

We don't want another Altamont now, do we?

Pick me! Me!

Alright. Alright. I know what he likes.

He's gonna like this. Yes. Come on through.

'Oh, he's gonna like that. Come on.'

This is pleather! This is pleather!

'That's right. Alright.'

That's it, ladies. Will you two work together?

This is the tape of the assault. We do have it all.

And we don't want you to worry.

- We're gonna get this guy. - We'll get him.

We'll just pop it in, see what we got. Okay?

- Okay. - Okay. So, uh, it's just me.

I'm-I'm stacking the gouda, uh, here

at the cheese display, the sale bin.

- 'Yeah.' - Alright. That's them.

They come in. Alright?

Now, I, I wave hello

but, you know, it wasn't like, uh...

It was a friendly wave. That's what we're taught there.

But it wasn't like, "hey, come over

and start raping me wave," you know.

- Right. - No.

So I'm, I'm stacking the cheese, alright?

They're giving me the eye.

Now they say something, but I don't look at them

and, and now they start coming.

- Oh! Oh! - Ooh.

Okay, they're grabbing me there.

Oh, by the hair.

By the hair, which I, I couldn't believe they did that.

- Oh! - Oh, my goodness!

Oh, [bleep]! How are you standing?

Why aren't you down? Ah!

This is where they're really working me.

Uh, at this point, I'm thinking I can get away.

I almost do. I almost got away, but they pull me back.

They pull me back very hard there.

Now I'm over the bin. I'm over the...

- Oh! - Oh!

This is reliving hell. This is reliving hell.

How long is this? How long is this?

This goes on for another two minutes.

- Well, there's... Oh! Oh! - God!

You know what they're doing?

And how, and how are they doing it?

- They're using your own shoe. - Yes!

Now, now, it's your shoe.

This is where I black out. I black out here and now...

- 'Thank God you did.' - 'Good for you, good for you.'

You don't know what's happening.

God!

Oh, that's where the serving stone went which was lost.

- That's horrible. - That is horrible

- Oh, God. Hello. - 'Garcia, it's Mike Powers.'

- Who? - 'It's Mike Powers.'

- 'I'm coming for you, man.' - It's Mike Powers.'

'I'm coming for you and your bloody Jones'

'so you guys better lock the door'

'because I am going to take your heads off!'

You're watching me get raped. I'm getting raped hard.

Oh, f...

Oh! Help, God. Stop!

Oh, my God! Stop!

Let me describe him. I didn't see his face.

One guy was furry. I'm thinking Armenian.

The other guy, a great body, very good skin

probably does pilates.

You don't want to write this down?

No. Prob... No.

No. So what do we do?

How do we... So tell me you can just get this guy.

- Well... - 'Actually...'

We can't, our jurisdiction, uh, pretty much goes

from the Orange Julius to the, uh...

Hot dog on a stick.

I've received a, a whole bunch of threatening text

messages from Mike Powers along

the lines of "oh, uh, you're gonna get it.

"Oh, I know. I see you. I can see you right now.

"Uh, do you know where I am?

Um, how would you feel to be a head in a box?"

That sort of thing, but you know, I-I-I'm trying

to get my junk mail filter to work on this.

Ah-oh.

Oh, wow!

- 'Oh, my God! Alright.' - Oh, my God.

- 'Oh, my God.' - Break a leg.

- Okay. - Oh, my God.

I love you!

We're gonna do this.

- 'Okay. We're gonna do it.' - Okay. Crank it up.

- Crank it up! - Crank it up. Crank it up.

Alright.

Okay.

Her hair smells like a urinal cake.

I'm just callin' it like I see it.

'Oh, honey.'

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

- I'm gonna cry! - Oh!

I'm going to Hollywood!

'Okay, sparkle.'

Oh, Hi.

Oh, my God. Jimmy. Jimmy!

So I guess this is the end.

All the old gang's pretty much, uh, splittin' up

goin' their separate ways.

Clemmy thought it'd be nice to get everybody

together one last time.

There they are.

Maybe you could give us a little bit of privacy for this, Joe?

'Hi.'

'Hi!'

'Don't start the party without me.'

'Look out, everybody, the boss is comin'.'

Oh, ha-ha-ha.

'The gang's all here.'

Oh, Trudy, Trudy, you came.

Yeah. Hey.

Hello, everybody. Everybody came!

Everybody came.

'I'm gonna miss you guys.'

'I'm really gonna miss you guys.'

'Where are you going?'

- This was a wonderful idea-- - Great idea.

Clemmy. To Clemmy! The founder of the beast!

Junior told me about it. I just...

Yeah, I thought it was your idea.

Well, I called you because I got an Evite

from Raineesha, thank you very much.

Cheers!

No, I didn't send you an Evite.

It was I who sent the Evite.

It's Mike Powers!

'Oh, God, hold it. Easy, easy, easy.'

Hi, guys. Thanks for coming.

You're welcome.

How you all been? Good?

'We're good. Real good. Yeah, yeah.'

'Happier than ever.'

You know how I've been?

'Wanted?'

Yeah, I figured by the time this story got out

you guys would be the first ones on me.

I mean, I figured why not bring the game to you

before you could bring the game to me?

- 'No, no, we're not bringing--' - Makes sense, right?

Mike, we're out. We're out of law enforcement.

'Shut up!'

There's gonna be no talking, there's gonna be no screaming.

Don't do anything stupid.

'Oh, Trudy!'

Alright, that's it. I'm gonna waste you. That's it.

'No, no, no, no!'

That's it! That's it! Get down!

There's nothin' that way!

She's headin' that way into the desert.

I've gotta go run after her!

'There's nothin' in that direction but Donner Pass.'

'You got coyotes, rattlesnakes and mountains.'

She got lost in the mall once, Mike.

- True. Totally true. - She's gone for sure.

'We're gonna play a little game.'

It's called dig your own grave.

Uh, I put a couple of a digging implements

over there, some shovels, some picks.

'I want you all to grab one and line up right over here!'

- 'Go! Go!' - Alright, alright, alright.

'Come on, come on. Right along here.'

Alright.

Come on.

Oh, darn.

It's almost 3:00 in the morning.

I mean, come on. Let's go.

Guys, seriously, can you, really, go a little faster?

- We really are trying. - T-This ground is hard as a...

You could've wet the ground.

'Can I say something, people?'

If you do it, don't, don't use your back and your arms.

Use your body. Like, s-see what I'm doing?

'You see what he's doing?'

♪ Dinah blow your horn hi ho ♪

♪ Dinah won't you blow? ♪

♪ Dinah won't you blow your horn ♪

♪ Dinah won't you blow? ♪

I'm just throwin' this out and, uh, see who agrees with me.

We were just followin' orders.

If you're gonna kill anybody, it's Dangle.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

'I understand what you're all saying. [bleep]'

However, I feel that you're all out here now.

I feel like we've started this thing

and I'd like to finish it.

I would feel a lot better

if we finished it the way I want to do it

'which is where I shoot you all.'

You know what, there's a place about 15 miles that way

where we could rent a backhoe.

No more talking!

♪ Is it okay if I sing a question then? ♪

'Ohh!'

'Oh, man!'

Can we talk now?

- Hey! Hey! - Mother [bleep].

Mike, Mike, Mike!

You don't have to shoot me.

You don't have to shoot anybody.

We are not sheriffs anymore.

- 'Come on.' - No, we don't have a badge!

You all want a piece of me. You want to see me go down.

I know the whole deal.

you can't wait until I'm behind bars.

Leave. We don't represent the law.

We don't represent Nevada.

I don't represent [bleep]. Go!

You guys really don't care.

'We don't! Go!'

'Mike, our names are we don't give a [bleep].'

I gotta tell you, I did a lot of bad [bleep] man.

I-I-I-I cut off a lot of hookers' heads.

- 'They're hookers.' - Everybody does some bad stuff.

I love child pornography.

Who am I to throw stones?

'First day of the rest of your life, Mike. Go.'

On one condition.

'Name it.'

I can have one more cigarette.

- Take the pack. - 'Cool.'

- Leave me one. - Yeah, sure, sure.

Don't look back. No hard feelings.

'No hard feelings.'

See you, Mike.

'Police. Put that gun down, Mike.'

- Alright. - Get him, get him.

- Hi, Mike. - 'Hi, Scott.'

Let me begin by saying that

that is some of the best police work I have ever seen.

We've been hiding in that bush for an hour.

You kept him here long enough to get a confession out of him

that is so perfect, so airtight.

I swear, everything is gonna stick on this guy.

I'm sorry, Mike. Everything is gonna stick.

So, I'm glad that I get to be the one to tell you...

...you are gettin' reinstated.

You can say hello to your badges once again, people.

'Ahh, great work. Really, I'm proud.'

'I'm proud. Okay.'

'Three heads I understand. Nine heads I don't get, Mike.'

That's crazy.

'Morning, guys.'

'Morning.'

'Okey-doke.'

'Uh...'

I was, uh...

never mind.

Well, what? What were you gonna say?

I was gonna get my daytime Emmy pool going again but...

Hmm, Susan Lucci's just gonna get the shaft again anyway.

Yep.

What the hell? Oh!

'Son of a [bleep]! Hurry up and get him!'

'Go get him!'

'Ho ho! One more!'

'Mike, what the hell did you bring me to?'

'What are you talkin' about?'

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike! You okay?

He stuck his tongue right in my mouth.

What the hell you doin', Mike?

I thought you was someone else.

'Son of a [bleep], she tricked me.'

'No, no [bleep], get out of the way!'

'Get out of the way! Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].'

Lieutenant, this is me. Please.

I'm a dog who should be sent out to pasture. Ooh.

I don't want to see you in Reno

I don't even want to see you in Nevada. You hear me?

Yeah, okay!

Only one of you will be the best of the best.

'And only one is what our current budget situation allows'

so I apologize for that.

I wish I could take you all, but I can't.

Oh, God. Her buttocks are right on my ear.

Take that, you [bleep] commie.

Oh! Oh, I grew up with my uncle Frederick.

- Um... - No daddy?

No. Well, my dad had two families.

Uh, one was in Chicago and one was in Arkansas.

And I was the Arkansas family that he didn't see so much.

Um, my mom blew her brains out.

It's a long story.

Frederick's a good person. He's really sweet.

He obviously raised you right.

He's got a firm hand.

He's a drinker. He drinks.