Original subtitles

Somebody's gotta take out the trash

and I promise the citizens of Reno

that that person is gonna be me, Mike Powers.

...dereliction of duty, sexual indiscretion.

'Mmm.'

Lot of charges leveled against this department.

Mm-hmm.

Are you, uh... aware of

all the activities that take place within the department?

Yes, sir, I am.

Does anything escape your attention?

No, sir, it does not.

Are you aware that your balls

are hanging out right now?

You're all fired.

'So, if you could turn in your guns and badges'

to, uh, the bailiff here.

I'm going to personally make sure

that you all rot in prison.

Goodbye. You're all fired.

'That's a lovely shade of bitch.'

'What's up, Mandingo?'

I just had the most horrible nightmare.

We were all indicted and sent to prison.

Wasn't no [bleep] nightmare.

Lay your ass back down!

Oh, hey, Rufus.

Hey, where is--

'Typical day for me is, uh...'

Oh, about, uh, 10 or 12 hours of exercising.

Uh, and then I practice some conversational German.

Get your-get your ass out of my face, Dangle.

Get your face out of my ass!

What's it like in here?

Well, when I'm not sitting in a fetal position

rocking back and forth and crying

I take a couple of catnaps every day

and then other than that, it's just, you know

how do you spend the rest of the mind-numbing hours

in here when there's absolutely nothing to do?

The needle isn't even touching you right now.

Okay, okay. Okay.

- Trudy. Trudy! - Okay, stop, stop!

What-how much did you get done?

- Nothing. - Okay, go ahead.

One part of it--

- Are you sure? - Yeah. Okay.

Did you finish? Is it finished?

I need... Okay, you know what I finished?

This part of his ear. That's it.

- That's okay. Thank you. - Okay.

Feels kind of good.

'My roommates and I, things are pretty good.'

I have night terrors

so they're not excited about that.

Um, most of the time

I scream through the night

that something's trying to kill me.

I violently thrash about

and sometimes I harm myself or others.

So, they're not psyched about that

but other than that we have a really good time together.

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

Ey. Ey, ey! Ey!

I sing. You don't sing.

What do you mean, "You sing, I don't sing?"

First of all, we can't sing it together.

It's an old negro spiritual.

You're not old, and you've never been negro.

I'm singing the harmony, the white harmony.

♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Swing low ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

'Y'all stop for real.'

'You about to make me start cryin'. Stop!'

Stop! This is creepin' me out.

Why, 'cause it reminds you of your mammy?

Sorry. I know.

Uh-oh.

Help!

Let's take a time-out.

♪ Slam slammy-slammer ♪

♪ The man has dropped down the hammer on me Jomesie ♪

♪ Quite inexplicably incarceration humiliation ♪

♪ No transportation or masturba-tion ♪

♪ Mike check one two ♪

♪ Shawshank Shawshank ♪

♪ These four walls cannot hold me ♪

♪ Cannot contain me cannot a break-a my stride ♪

♪ For I am fed full with knowledge ♪

♪ That few would believe ♪

Uh, prison life

I have really been trying to make the best of it.

I'm in a correctional facility.

I'm trying to make some corrections to Clemmy.

You know, first thing right off the bat

first day, I got that going.

Um, a girl kicked my ass

because I wouldn't kiss her.

Um, some bitch named Deltrice or something like that.

And so, now, um, I have to give her all my cigarettes.

So I'm not smoking anymore.

Mail call. Come to papa.

Yeah, and then I got you a, uh, '97 cabernet.

Oh! Yo!

'They didn't have a '96, huh?'

You gonna start on me again?

I'm just saying, in the future

when you're picking out a cab...

...go with an even year.

If you don't want it, I'll take it--

- No, no, no. - Yeah, don't get him mad.

I'll take it.

You know, being in prison, I have

uh, finally decided to start my first novel.

Uh, started it two weeks ago.

It is "Christine" by Stephen King.

Uh, so far it's about a...

It's like, this car, that at night

it comes to life and it kills folks

who said something mean about the car.

It's real good so far.

Let me tell y'all about the worst date I ever been on.

This was my first baby's father.

We stand in this line for over two hours to take pictures.

We get up to the front, and this was his dance.

Get up to the front.

He said, "Do you got some money?"

'Do you understand me?'

That the boy looked me in my face

and I said, "Does hell go with no?"

But the argument was so rich.

Do you understand what I'm sayin'?

Like, I felt like we connected

and I knew in that moment

when he was hollerin' and screamin' at me

in that parking lot

I said, "I'm gonna give him some."

I gave a guy some because he opened my car door for me

and I thought that was polite.

So I [bleep] him.

You know, they've never made a perfect prison.

Two words about, uh, prison escape.

Plumbin', you know?

You flush the terlet, that turd's gonna end up

somewhere outside of these walls

and, uh, if a turd can make it out

so can we.

♪ Aah-aah-aah-aah aah-aah-aah-aah ♪

This is Maria Storm reporting live

from Washoe County Penitentiary.

I'm standing here with new Acting District Attorney

Scott Greenberg.

Uh, there has been a warrant issued

for the arrest of, uh, district attorney Mike Powers

as new DNA evidence

uh, has linked him to a series

of prostitute murders

and decapitations.

So, if you come in contact with uh, Mr. Powers

and let me tell you, he's very charismatic.

He's a very nice guy.

He compliments you very easily.

Uh, do not, do not

take this into your own hands.

'He is a dangerous person.'

And what does this mean to the deputies

of Reno's sheriff's department?

Well, they're probably gonna walk, scot-free.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, congratulations on your new position, Mr. Greenberg.

Oh, thank you. Actually, I'm having a party tonight.

They're throwing me a party. Do you have e-mail?

This is Maria Stone reporting live.

Tonight, Reno's finest are back on the street.

Released on parole, they are ineligible for civil service

but they are free, free to do anything they want.

Anything except wear a badge.

The gates are opening here at Washoe County Penitentiary.

'The deputies of Reno are just moments away from freedom.'

Sir, excuse me. How does it feel to be a private citizen again?

Um, it's great.

Uh, I'm glad I'm not a cop.

Uh, [bleep] cops

and, uh, suck my [bleep].

You have beautiful eyes.

I know.

How do you feel about District Attorney Mike Powers?

Oh, there's no hard feelings.

You know, people

people do what they do

and you know, c'est la vie.

And you're not interested in finding him

and arresting him?

No, I'm mostly interested in going home

taking a nice, quick whore's bath

and then heading out to hometown buffet.

You know, we watch you every single night at 10:00.

Every night. Boys, uh, [bleep] off to you.

'Good to meet you, though.'

'Take me to the rack, take me to the rack.'

- There it is! Oh! - Okay. Okay, okay, alright.

- Play some defense now. - Now, now. Oh, spin it.

- No. God! - Boom! Yes.

Life is, uh, treating me pretty darn good.

Both Jomesie and I are, uh, SEOs here at...

Security Enforcement Officers.

...here at the beautiful

Washoe County mall.

We're, uh-we're in here in a nice, uh

climate-controlled environment.

And that also makes, uh

climate-control criminals.

Yeah, pretty much, uh, you know, we don't have to yell

"freeze" or "drop the gun, son of a bitch."

It's like, "Hey, get out of the fountain.

Leave Santa alone," you know?

"Please don't do that."

"Don't steal that stuff

from the food buffet," you know.

- "Come on, you guys." - "Come on, hey."

"Seriously. For real, don't."

"Stop putting slugs into the video arcade machines

or I'll, uh, shine my flashlight on you."

We love the new uniforms, by the way.

I mean, I'm loving this color.

They're light...

Cotton, breathable.

Not that, uh, crappy, uh, Baghdad beige we wear.

- Yeah. That was disgusting. - Oh, man.

And it didn't do anything for... your eyes.

Oh, come on. Talk to me.

Oh. Come on.

There was sort of a little dark period there

where I kind of just laid in bed

eating peanut butter for about nine days.

And then I'd fallen asleep on the street one day

and there was a bus bench ad

that said something along the lines of...

Number-number one. Someone was number one.

Some lawyer or somebody was number one

and I thought, "Good God.

"I got half my life ahead of me.

"It's time that I'm number one.

It's time for me to take my shot at number one."

And here I am

trying out for "American Idol!"

I'm going to Hollywood!

I'm just practicing that. I'm not going yet, obviously.

Well, since leaving prison

things have been going pretty well for me.

I opened my own bed and breakfast in my house.

Okay, just a second, Georgie.

Uh, one sandwich per person.

Okay? So, let's not, uh... I saw that you had one earlier.

Excuse me, Betty. So this is mine. Okay.

If you're in the Reno area, you should check out

"Trudy's Scratching Post, Bed and Breakfast..."

...in the Reno-Tahoe area.

Betty, can I get a tea?

If you would like to come and stay

it's not very expensive

and you can stay in my living room.

I sleep in the master bedroom, but you can...

There's plenty of room in the living room.

Just bring a sleeping bag, and it's cozy and fun

and we have...

...if you like board games, we have Sorry.

It's almost bedtime, you guys.

We go to bed at, like, 4:00.

And if you like animals

I have 13 cats.

So come and give 'em a squeeze.

Uh, but not the black one

because he bites.

Mmm. Honey, this is lukewarm.

Can you heat this up, please?

Thank you!

She's hard of hearing and dumb as a post, but what a doll.

That's good, Georgie. Please don't run into the furniture.

'Bitch, you better shut that baby up!'

'Don't tell me what to do!'

Since I got out of jail, I've changed.

Do you see this? Huh? Huh, nothin' but pure joy!

Why? 'Cause I'm not a cop no more.

Let's take a look at this!

Start gettin' excited, people.

This is a winner!

This one has more bars

I think, on the windows than the other one.

Yeah, but you know what?

Bars not only keep people out

but they keep stuff in.

Sure. They keep stuff in...

Alright, now, this is beautiful.

You're only gonna be able to look

through the windows, though

'cause I can't let you go inside.

Oh, because of the sheriff's line, "Do not cross," yellow...

Do not cross, yellow.

However, there is an upside and that is

that you'll get to keep all the furniture inside.

- Mmm. - That's not evidence.

Huh? Huh!

Hands inside the vehicle!

Oh!

See, as a cop, I had to enforce all kinds of rules.

Here I got one, hands inside the vehicle.

You know what? Sometimes I don't enforce it.

What the [bleep]? This is the life, boy.

It really don't get no better than this.

Seein' the world, travelin' the country

gettin' to be my own boss pretty much

'cause Mr. Johnson's always drunk.

Been here for five days, still got all my fingers.

That's right. I never get tired of this song.

They play this song all day.

It plays this, and it plays

"Ooh, That Smell," by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

You know, this-this beats being a cop.

Wait. Wait a second. Let me just check my to-do list for the day.

Oh, [bleep]! I ain't got a to-do list!

I done it! I done everything!

Whoo. Gotta watch it.

Last time I went in there for a beer

I got clocked pretty good.

Hey, baby, mustache rides! Five cents!

Yoo!

I'm out of jail, and I'm living my dream.

You know what I realized?

I'm not meant to be a cop.

I am not meant to be a magician's assistant.

I was not meant to go to college.

I was not meant to donate blood.

I am a Babylon sister

and I was meant to shake it with Steely Dan, mother [bleep]!

I think of the Dan

the way a lot of people think of the dead.

In that, their music is the soundtrack to my whole life.

And using the thing that I know how to do with people's heads

I am going to get them to change the title of that song

from "Hey, 19" to "Hey, 35 And Holding."

I'm gonna do it. I swear.

I am gonna just party my ass off.

I've already gotten started

huffing a little hairspray in the bathroom.

So, you know what?

Who needs, you know, a steady paycheck

and a $10 copayment when you got this?

'We're-we're lovin' it.'

It's great, just great to have the freedom

you know, to do what you wanna do.

This is our world. It's like one of those bio domes.

We're going to go to, uh, Barbados next week.

Next week and we're gonna try snorkeling.

- Yeah. - Lookin' forward to that.

And some surfing and...

And then some surfing

and some senoritas...

Yeah.

...in Barbados.

Maybe we'll get you an earring. Huh?

Well, maybe.

Maybe I 'll get a tattoo on the ankle or something.

That's a little gay.

Hey!

- Hoo-hoo! Git. - Ho-hoh-ho!

Listen, uh, I don't know.

Can you, uh, read the mall rules?

There's no skateboards in the mall.

It doesn't say that, it says, "No loitering."

I didn't see anything that said, "No skateboards."

Hey, don't tell me what I think you said or saw. Okay?

- Respect this. You see this? - Yeah.

You see what that is? Can you read? What does it say?

- "Security officer." - Yeah.

Security Enforcement Officer.

SEO. Remember those initials, okay?

- Look at that. See that? - You might wanna remember that.

Yeah. I mean, I just don't understand...

- Where you goin'? - I'm just...

You don't understand what, English?

I didn't mean--

Tell your friends, no loitering.

- They said no loitering. - 'Take your crap.'

Get out of here. We don't wanna ever see you again, alright?

- Pick it up. - Pick it up.

You've lost your mall privileges.

- Tell your friends, too. - You've lost them.

- Go! - Get out.

- Go! Get out. - 'I'm going.'

That's right.

Little...

- Son of a bitch! - You [bleep] dead!

- 'Stop!' - 'You're dead!'

'You're dead!'

You know what? Prison was fun.

People might not think that, um

you know, being locked up in prison for a...

...you know, unknown amount of time would be fun

but for me, um, just sort of knowing that

I had someplace to go the next day was fun for me.

And they have a very good suicide watch program there.

Higher. Higher, higher, higher!

Higher, higher!

'1475, Bob.'

Oh. Dishwashers aren't that expensive.

That guy's gonna lose. I told you.

'Trudy Wiegel, do you recognize this voice?'

'It's your old buddy Mike Powers.'

'I know where you are, Trudy.'

'I can see you right now, petting that stupid cat.'

'I'm gonna get you. I'm coming for you and your frien...'

'Uh, hey, Trudy, Mike Powers again.'

'Uh, I'm coming to kill you and all your friends.'

That's the guy who put me in prison.

It's Mike Powers!

'We're gonna play a little game.'

It's called, "Dig your own grave."

Mike, we were just following orders.

If you're gonna kill anybody, it's Dangle.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey. What the

What's up, Carl?

'Hey, missy.'

'Is that a new bicycle you're drivin' there?'

Lookin' good.

Lawd, come on, Ms. Clementine.

Youse know how to make corn bread

greens, and chitlings

fried chicken, and a butter pound cake.

Lawdie, I'm gonna have me some of them

mmm, fine ham bones and chitlin...

No, you're the white lady.

Oh.