Original subtitles

'Well, we're testing the new bulletproof vests they sent us.'

It's supposed to stand up to a .357 magnum, .50-caliber

so Officer Johnson's got a .357 magnum, .50-caliber.

Alright. Freeze, scumbag!

- This can't be good, can it? - 'No.'

That can't be good.

- Whoop! - 'Come here.'

Oh. Uh. Ah!

Hey! Hey! Oh!

'Well, it has finally happened.'

After dozens and dozens of complaints

from citizens and your fellow deputies

the Department of Internal Affairs

is sending a disciplinary auditor

to spend the next two weeks with us.

He'll be with us on the job, in the cars, in the break room.

He'll be looking for incidents of racism

sexual harassment, insensitivity to the differently abled.

Please, mind your P's and Q's

and obey the Sheriff's Department code of conduct.

'Please, people.'

- Aah! - Oh,

Nice one, Dangle.

Who did this? Come on.

'Who did-- Did you do that? Did you do that?'

Hey!

Suspended. Suspended. Suspended. Suspended.

Suspended!

'Welcome back.'

How was palm springs?

Uh, not like it used to be.

Oh, so, tonight, we're running that sting operation

cutting down on the, uh, illegal sex-slave trade.

'Do you know where she's coming in from? Do we know?'

'Did they give you any hints on the internet?'

- "Made in China," all it says. - 'Do you think?'

Great. Dress warm if you're coming on the sex-slave sting.

'It's supposed to be a crisp night.'

Looks perfectly plausible out there.

♪ Mama I was gonna marry... ♪

'Looks like a lonely fella'

'hankering for a mail-order bride.'

'Check out this bio, here.'

'It says he's an occasional drinker.'

She's actually gonna get her freedom back tonight.

Thanks to the Reno Sheriff's Department. So...

- 'Here we go.' - 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Bingo.'

- 'Relax it, here.' - 'Here she is. Oh--'

'Oh, look at that thing.'

'She's just a... scared little puppy.'

How you doing? How are you?

Looks like he's signing some sort of bill of lading.

- 'Cashier's check.' - 'That's it!'

- Sheriff's Department! - 'Sheriff's Department!'

- Freeze! - 'Freeze! Hey!'

Up against the vehicle. Right now. Right now--

You have the right to remain silent!

You have a right to an attorney during questioning.

Do you understand, the rights is obvious.

Go home.

- 'Travis.' - 'Yes, sir?'

This is an actual marriage license here.

If that was notarized, you'd be married.

They are married, legally.

- You're a notary? - Notary?

We're legally married?

- Yep. - Congratulations.

We're married. Me, you... married, married.

'No, no [bleep] we're married.'

No [bleep] no.

...together.

Opa!

'Okay.'

'Well, sir, your friend says you shot him with an arrow.'

No, my friend opened a booby-trapped chest

that had a magic missile booby trap set by goblin sappers

that is what hit him.

The booby trap which was you.

No, he was trying to show me

that he could duck out of the way

of an arrow-of an arrow

and I had to show him that a longbow at close range

with a magic missile, uh, enchantment on it.

There's no way to duck out of the way in.

So, you rolled an 18, and then what happened?

I rolled an 18, he failed his saving throw

and the arrow got him between where the greave--

Oh, where there's only the three points of protection.

Travis... come on.

I got about ten points

of "I want to beat you with a stick" left, okay.

I got about ten points of that.

You don't know anything about Dungeons & Dragons.

I live in a world of cold steel

and dungeons and mighty foes.

I live in a world o-of dungeons, too.

The dungeon where we're taking you

is called the Reno County Jail.

How's that dungeon? You're gonna like that dungeon.

There's a dragon there named Nick, the grip

and he's been feeling people up in their sleep all week. So...

In our, um... no. No, no, no, no because--

Sure you don't want to tell us

why you shot the fellow with the arrow?

I'm wearing boots of escaping! I'm wearing boots...

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I will call down a mighty reckoning on you!

I am a Demon God of Conquest.

Well, I hope you got a magic potion for hot lead.

You're a very, very short Demon God of Conquest.

And you're exactly Nick, the grip's type.

- Hey. - Oh, Lord.

'Look at this guy. Oh, man.'

What is it, 1,000 degrees today? Whoo.

- Wow. Yeah. - 'Man.'

Hey, you dumb son of a bitch

fries come with that shake?

Hey, my man, four years of college

and this is where you're at, huh?

Screw you, you stupid [bleep]hole!

Hey! Hey, you son of a bitch! Hey, you come back here!

- 'We got a runner.' - We got a runner.

Hey, son of a bitch!

Being married is everything I thought it would be

only maybe a little bit better.

...Reno, Nevada.

Hey! Reno, Nevada.

♪ Let's go Reno Wo-wo-wo ♪

Right. Hey, you're learning. You're learning.

'Like a little doll I won at the [bleep] carnival.'

Focus on the Mythic Tarot

the cards will tell you what you want to know.

'And we've got the death card.'

'Ending our reading with the death card.'

Yeah. That-that isn't a bad thing, necessarily, okay?

'We'll do something else.'

Horoscope. W-when's your birthday?

When's your birthday?

- June 28th. - June 28th.

Which is Cancer, Cancer, the crab.

Are you crabby 'cause you got cancer?

Who's crabby 'cause they've got cancer, huh?

Alright.

He's got an automatic shotgun.

Scared the hell out of the poor bartender.

Up against the wall over there.

Okay, on my count. Ready? Three, two, go.

Drop your weapon!

- What's the occasion? - 'Drop your weapon, sir!'

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'll put it down. I'll put it down.

'Put the gun down, not the drink.'

I'll put the drink down.

'Put the gun down.'

Make up your mind!

We did. You can pick the drink back up. Put the gun down.

- I'll put the drink back up. - 'Drink's okay.'

Now, put the gun down.

I have a demand. I have a demand.

'Okay. What are your demands?'

I want a girlfriend.

'I'll be your girlfriend, sir.'

Done.

'Hell of a catch- hell of a catch, sir.'

And I want-I want lots of candy.

- 'I have tons of candy.' - Lots of candy.

- We got some bar mints. - 'Bar mints.'

- 'Bar mints.' - 'Bar mints.'

- 'They taste like mints.' - 'Gun down now.'

'Alright, now, put the gun down.'

My gun for your gun.

Alright. Alright. We'll make a swap. We'll make a swap.

- 'Fair, a gun swap is-is...' - 'Alright. Alright.'

Just be careful with it there. No, no, no.

Alright. There you go. There you go.

'Now, put that gun down, okay?'

This is a toy. This ain't the real, uh...

'Oh, [bleep].'

- Down! Down! - 'Aah!'

'Get out! [bleep]'

Oh, where's my drink?

You took my drink! You took my drink!

'Tower, this is SB-2.'

'We've got a positive I.D. On that milk shake.'

'Garcia and jones are in pursuit.'

- 'Hey, ho!' - 'Slow down!'

- No! - 'Freeze!'

Oh, [bleep].

- 'Oh, dear.' - Aah!

- 'Oh, my God!' - Stop!

- No! Get up, sir! - 'Get up, sir! Run!'

Run! Oh, they're killing him in there. I got to call an EMT.

- No. - I gotta call EMT.

Let's just let nature take its course.

Oh, man. Sweet Lord.

He's disfigured. He's got to be disfigured.

Holy, me. Hey.

Ho! Ho! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, you, son of a bitch!

- Freeze! - Hey, freeze, sir!

Hey!

- Hey! - Congratulations.

Can I shove this down here, maybe?

Mm-hmm. Ouch. Ouch.

Parking brake! Parking brake!

'I got it. I got it. I got it.'

We're in park, and we're good.

- 'Hey. Does she know karate?' - Does she know?

Oh, hell, yeah, she does. Watch this.

'Break the table with your face.'

A little kiss for the bride...

- 'Oh!' - 'Oh!'

Yeah!

- 'Yeah.' - 'Whoo!'

- Yeah. It's pretty good, right? - Yeah.

Alright, I'm-I'm gonna sit down, alright?

- 'How about presents--' - 'Why don't we do?'

- 'That's a good idea.' - Do some presents.

I got you something, the two lovebirds.

- From them. Oh. - 'Oh.'

'I made it. I made that.'

It's the-- The macaroni's still wet there.

You cooked this macaroni?

Yeah, well, you can't have it raw.

- It'll kill you. - 'Alright, another gift.'

- 'Let's keep the party moving.' - 'Whoo!'

Huh? A nail kit, huh?

So when everybody leaves, you can hook me up and do my nails.

You're Chinese.

- 'Yeah, y'all do nails.' - Yeah.

They make these in Korea...

'Don't throw it.'

It sounds, when they talk, it sounds like they're mad, like...

'She knows English, too.'

'She's smart as a whip, right?'

What's your pet name for me in English?

sucker. Yeah.

'That's a good- good thing to learn.'

'It's d-different there.'

Cocks are like, they're like

two below monkey on the magic scale.

- Dragon, dog, monkey, cock. - Yeah.

'And the king is the man who sucks the [bleep].'

So the [bleep]sucker is like the king of all [bleep]suckers.

Yeah, I think.

- 'Well, that's you, Junior.' - 'Right.'

- 'Yeah.' - You are [bleep].

Son of a bitch!

Whoa! Oh, okay, Carl Lewis!

- Freeze! - Okay.

Oh, you want to go, huh?

- Oh! Freeze! - Ah! [bleep].

- 'Son of a bitch!' - 'No!'

Hey, freeze! No, no!

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch.

Hey, hey! Hey!

Who is this guy?

- Unh! - What-what the [bleep].

Holy [bleep]. Holy

'Hey, hey! hey!'

Oh, you think you're cool, huh?

Let's go! Come on!

- Freeze! - Where are you at?

How you doing today, sir?

Hey, th-thank God you're here.

Thank the good Lord, you came.

One of my fal- my prize falcon flew away.

I can't find him. And maybe-- Had you found him?

Did you find the falcon?

Hm. Well, not yet.

As you know, the falcon is like, uh--

They're like a flying dog.

Oh, wait. Let me just ask you a question.

The falcon leaves here

it goes and fetches and then brings something

whatever it fetches back?

Back-back here, back to the pad.

Okay, has he brought an eyeball back to the pad?

A what? An eyeball?

- No? - I don't think so.

You know, it's just that we have a homeless person

in ICU right now, missing an eyeball.

What makes you think a falcon did it?

Uh, 'cause he screamed, "a falcon took my eyeball!

A falcon took my eyeball!"

Do you know, what he needs to do is to talk to me

and I can have him go through falcon trauma.

Uh, you know, of people who go through

trauma caused by falcons.

He probably is in a state of mind

that's not conducive to health.

Well, I would say so. He don't have an eyeball.

How about we finish talking to you down at the station?

Okay, so, do I have my choice of seats or what?

- The back. - There's one choice.

Only in the back.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay

- 'Come on.' - I give up.

- 'Alright.' - Please.

'You give? [bleep]'

- Alright, truce. Truce. - 'Truce, man.'

- 'Thank you.' - Thank God.

Whoa! [bleep] man, you're taking a pounding.

Those thing's like a huge shock absorber.

I don't feel a thing. Absolutely nothing, yeah.

- You don't feel that? - 'No, nothing.'

I mean, hit me, hit me like I just

you know, insulted your mother or something.

- Like, really hit me. - I'm really gonna hit you.

Yeah! Yeah, go for it.

Yeah! I-I didn't feel any of that.

Nothing. I don't feel any of that.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

No, I didn't feel any of that.

- 'Oh, man.' - That's cool.

- 'Yeah, that's cool.' - That was awesome, man.

- You need a ride? - Oh, no, no.

You know, I just live right behind me.

- You live right over here? - Yeah. Right over there.

Alright. Alright, little buddy.

- Well, take care, buddy. - Alright.

Hey, be good, alright? Oh!

Alright.

Hey, guys. Hey, I think I might need that lift home.

I think I pulled my hamstring.

You need a ride? You want a--

'Oh, my God!'

Oh, [bleep] Holy Lord!

[bleep]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[bleep] [bleep]

- Go, go, go! - Go, go!

I just look forward to my retirement years

here at the Old Homestead and a bunch of little, uh

little babies crawling around

and learning to eat barbecue with chopsticks.

And it'll just be like home on the range.

And I'll be on little Qua Junior here like white on rice.

♪ Caribbean Queen ♪

♪ Now we're sharing the same dream ♪

♪ Two hearts will beat as one ♪

♪ No more love on the run ♪

I got nothing. How about you?

'Yeah, we got an APB'

'for a '72 Ford Wintergreen Winnebago Coachman'

'license Nevada-Bravo- 4738-Victory-Bravo-Charlie.'

Oh, [bleep] that's me.

Oh, [bleep].

Go, go, go!

'Officers, proceed with caution.'

'There is one angry tiny Asian '

'behind the wheel of that coachman.'

M-maybe-- She's not angry. That's just the way they talk.

'That's just the way the voice sounds.'

- No. Yep, there she is. - 'Yeah.'

'Home, sweet home.'

Wintergreen Winnebago coachman, we're in pursuit.

'Oh, look at that. Nice piece of denim.'

'Don't do that. Those-those are my new--'

'That's a really nice boot back there.'

Oh, man. I still got the other one.

Oh, baby. Now, come on, baby. Let's talk it out.

sucker!

'Oh, there goes the porn. There goes the porn.'

- God. Baby-- - 'That's all porno?'

Yeah, some of that was my dad's. That stuff's irreplaceable.

Pull over. I'm gonna take care of business.

'Oh, [bleep] be careful!'

He's going into a skylight.

Go around!

'I don't know if your homeowner's insurance'

'covers you for this!'

He's in. He's in. He's in. He's in.

He's in. Okay. We're good. This will be good.

'You know, they're both reasonable people.'

Aah!

I'm backing up. I'm backing up. I'm backing up.

Travis! Travis!

Oh, Travis!

Are you alive?

Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

If you love something... you just got to let it go sometimes.

Yeah.

- You love that Winnebago. - Yeah.

Tell you, you could pull yourself up by your bootstraps

and... you and me could go

and... get some jeans and porno off of this road here.

What do you say, huh?

Sounds good.

Alright.

'So, I never saw that special.'

'Did Geraldo find the guy in the tomb, or didn't he?'

No.

Hey, Junior, what is that, a letter from Qua?

What does it say?

How the [bleep] should I know?

You should probably take this

to that Restaurant Wok Around The Clock.

Somebody there could read that.

No, I-I don't want to be eating any Chinese anytime soon.

Hey, Junior, hey, now, Pirnt was a good woman.

Qua.

And she was not a good woman.

She was a horrible woman.

Life goes on. Check-check.

'Greener pastures.'

Guys, guys. TV, you guys, TV.

Devastation the community is feeling.

A candlelight vigil is being held

for 31-year-old Andy Freeman

an aspiring magician who took a part-time job to pay rent

dressing as a delicious milk shake.

A delicious, now dead, milk shake.

Horrifying allegations have shocked Washoe County

today after the following homemade video footage

was released to the media.

This video contains acts of terrifying police brutality.

- 'Oh!' - Oh!

'The identity of the deputies'

'responsible for these acts is still unknown.'

There is no doubt that those responsible

will have to pay for their acts.

'Reporting from Route 395'

'This is Maria Storm, Channel 10 "News at 10:00."'

and Wa Shing Qua Junior

that you all made it down.

'Thank you. I very-- Very appreciate it.'

Can you say your name again for us?

You're nine?