Original subtitles

So, we're still tryin' to work out

the bugs of this, uh, bomb-dog camera.

What they do is they give you a real good shot

and a image of the bomb.

Testin', one, two.

Testin'.

Go, go.

'Go, try it out, boy.'

'Transmission's good.'

'Damn.'

'Hello.'

Hello, Champagne.

Happy New Year to you.

Hi, buddy.

- Oh, man. - Hey. Hey, come on now.

Get on out of there, come on.

Hey, get on out.

Hey, hey, shoo.

'Hey, come here!

Good mornin', gang.

- 'Hey.' - 'Good morning.'

Uh, I was checkin' the web-browser history

on all of the computers in here.

You... You can do that?

'Yeah. Yeah, I was checkin' all the browser histories'

on all the computers in the station

which say "For, uh, official use only."

'And, uh, here's a couple of the recent sites'

'people have been visiting for official business, I guess'

'"superbootyshots.com"'

'"picturesofmycats.com"'

"hugenatural[bleep].com"

"herpesonlinecompanion.com"

'"drnasty[bleep].com"'

'"chickswith[bleep].org"'

"sweatersforkittens/store catastics.com"

'"catastrophe.com," and "chocolate[bleep].org."'

'All those were in the recent web browser history'

"For official business only."

I'm just gonna volunteer to help you figure out, if you...

'Well, there's nothin' to figure out.'

To help you figure out who, who, who did it.

Okay, we don't need to call Scotland Yard

to figure who was lookin' at...

"drnasty[bleep].com."

I was doing some research for my doctor.

She said, "Do things look different or strange?"

And I had nothing to compare it to.

But the cat thing was not mine.

'Sheriff's Department!'

Honey, are you okay?

- What's the matter? - What's the matter?

Are you okay?

- 'Okay, okay.' - 'Alright.'

It's gonna be okay, just breathe.

Take a deep, deep breath.

- Okay. - Deep breath, honey.

Have you been takin' any drugs today?

- 'Okay. No, no...' - Let me see your arms.

Hold out your arms. Let me see your arms.

- Okay, you're good. - Do you want a hug?

Okay, you're... Okay, I feel like I'm gonna faint now.

Okay, so just deep breathe, are you happy?

We're not gonna let anything happen to you.

Okay, you have to calm... Okay. We need to...

- I'm gonna call somebody. - Get an EMT...

We need an emergency medical technician on the scene here.

Reno, Reno, this is 3-Adam-32.

We've got a hysterical woman here at the Oasis Trailer Court.

Okay, someone's on their way.

What happened to you?

Dangle?

- Dangle? - Oh, no!

Dangle? Are you okay?

'Do you want me to get your Graham crackers?'

'Want your Graham crackers?'

Someone's gonna come and give us some nice sedatives.

'Get in.'

'Alright.'

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

No, I don't know what the she was talkin' about.

I could have sworn I heard her say "Food Stamps," but other...

Maybe, I don't know, sometimes you just got

to speak their language, you know?

To get 'em in the [bleep] car.

She's going to jail.

I don't know what she did, but she's goin' to jail.

Test, one, two.

Test, still no sign of One-eyed Jack

and I'm [bleep] hot.

How much [bleep] car exhaust do we have to inhale

before this [bleep] damn drug dealer

wakes his ass up and starts dealin'?

Let's go home.

I don't know.

- Let's go. - We can go?

Yeah, get your stuff, let's get out of here.

Hey, man, do you have some smoke?

- Oh, hey, ladies. - You got a smoke or anything?

- You got, uh, you got smokes? - Yeah.

You want, uh, you want a smoke, huh?

- Yeah. - Groovy dreads.

Oh, th-thanks, thank you.

- Your hair is wild. - Yeah, well, it's, um, yeah.

That accent is trippy, man, where you from?

Well, I'm, uh, I'm from Jamaica, Kingston.

- Yeah - Jamaica man.

- I'm from Utah. - Wow, really?

- Yeah. - It's really hot there, right?

- Yeah. - Um, in Utah?

No, it's, it's about a mile up

so it, uh, never really gets above seventy-five.

Wow.

Okay, did anybody else in here see what happened?

There's a girl in the bathroom.

The next time somethin' like this happen...

And there will be a next time...

Before you call me, ask yourself, huh?

"I'm dressed like a trick

I'm in a filthy, disgustin' rat hole...

'What did I expect to happen?'

Huh?

Whoa!

- Ho! - Just shut up.

- Whoa. - Okay, okay, okay.

Surprise, you found out my secret, okay?

Are you happy? Are you happy?

Yes, I work in a rat alright?

But I need the money.

So go blab it all over the whole station, I don't care!

Why do you automatically assume Raineesha gonna say somethin'?

Because you always say something.

Okay, that's true, but, but, but I'm tellin' you

I'm givin' you my word that I'm not.

Do you remember when you saw me coming out of La Clinica

and you didn't tell nobody?

- 'Okay.' - How can I forget about that?

How much you make?

Uh, I walk with about $300 a night

you know, $500 if there's a convention.

Senorita!

Eh-yi-yi-yi! Yi-yi-yi! Yi-yi-yi!

Uh...

♪ I don't know ♪

- '[bleep].' - Pig.

♪ Ba-ba-ba ba ba-ba-bow ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo doo ♪

♪ R-rickety-tickety-doo doo-doo-doo doo ♪

♪ R-rickety-tickety-doo ba-boo boo-doo-doo ♪

♪ R-rickety-tickety-doo ba-boo doo-doo ♪

♪ R-rickety-tickety-doo doo-doo-doo doo ♪

♪ R-rickety-tickety-doo ♪ doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Haa ♪

♪ Rickety-tickety-doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ R-rickety-tickety-doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Chsss ♪

♪ R-rickety-tickety-doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Zwww ♪ ♪ Boww ♪

♪ Rickety-tickety-doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Pow ♪ ♪ Chss ♪ ♪ Pow ♪ ♪ Chss ♪

♪ R-rickety-tickety-doo doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Bow ♪ ♪ Trrrr ♪

How much time did that kill?

About an hour.

- Man-- - 'Oh, no.'

Hey, hey, can we talk to him for a second?

- 'Hey, Keith.' - How you doin' tonight, Keith?

'You alright?'

'Oh, man, they got you good, huh?'

- Yeah. - 'Oh, Jeez.'

- Was it the... - Same guys from last time?

No, it was a different group.

- "Different group?" - Alright.

One had a gun, and the other one had the bat.

- Two fellas? - Yeah.

And there was a third that wasn't carryin' anythin'.

Two, three fellows.

- Three fellows. - 'Okay.'

And then what-- So, they hit you with the bat, or...

Oh, they never... Uh, I'm gonna...

They put a hot dog up...

- They put a hot dog where? - Up my butt.

They put a hot dog...

Was it hot at the time, or was it not cooked yet?

It was hot.

Did the hot dog have anythin' on it?

Was it just a plain hot dog?

Just hot-dog grease, you know, 'cause it had

just come off the cooker and it was...

- Piping hot, piping hot, - Pipin' hot.

They said they really liked me, and they just wanted me to...

- Be a hot-dog cowboy. - Right.

Somethin' about you behind that counter

seems to just set men on fire.

- Seems like they just... - Oh, you're...

Oh, you're-you're rape bait, Keith.

Those-those two guys--

One of them, one of them said that.

- "Rape bait?" - Yeah.

I hate to agree with them, but I kind of do.

You're doing somethin' right here.

Keith, you get rape rookies in here.

You know how odd that is? You know how rare that is?

In a weird way, man... Hey! Badge of honor.

Badge-- People who never, ever raped a clerk

say, "I'm gonna break it in on Keith."

I got to balance my register.

I never really worked one of these things before.

We're going the wrong way, I think.

'Spin him.'

- Aah! - Sorry, Keith.

- Aah! - sorry.

Are we going the wrong way or no?

'We got to do a pooper check on Keith.'

'Do you have any kind of long tongs?'

- Hey, hey! - [bleep] [bleep].

You gonna stay put or what, buddy?

- . - Ah [bleep].

Somebody should get up there.

Keith?

Oh, [bleep].

We're gonna have to do it here, buddy.

- Joe, Joe. - We're gonna pull the--

Can you give us a little bit of privacy?

Yeah, a little bit of...

Shine them up real good.

I think it's time for my homemade brownies.

Aphrodite makes the best brownies ever.

Oh, no. No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

Oh, I'm gonna take a...

- I ate the whole thing at once. - Mmm.

If we gave these brownies out to everybody right, it'd be like...

- Whoo! - Pretty good.

Alright, well, at this point

we were supposed to watch a driver-safety film

entitled "Blood on the Highway"

by the Department of Transportation Safety Board

'but you all have been pretty good'

so I brought in another film

about highway safety and law enforcement

a little picture called... "Smokey and the Bandit."

'No talking during "Smokey and the Bandit," if you talk'

'that will be one point on your driver's license'

and there will be a test.

Reno, this is 14-David-21. We are on the scene.

Sheriff's Department!

- You call 911? - Yes, I did.

What's the problem, sir?

I think you're gonna be very pleased with me

when I tell you what it is. Oh, hello.

I have compiled a list of 500--

I got 500 cars that have run the stop sign right here.

Ah, don't bother to thank me, I've got it right here.

You've made a, a citizen's arrest

or just a citizen's list?

It's a citizen's list

which I hope to become an arrest with your help.

Ah, I got some here that are very interesting.

Most of the plates are Nevada

which, I think, because we're in Nevada.

- Adds up. - It makes sense.

I got-- We don't have Indiana.

Look at this, I got here this one...

A black-and-white police car ran that light.

Its-- I got the license here 8-3-7-5-2.

It's Rhode Island.

'Yeah, we're, we're allowed to do that.'

- Oh, that's you? - Yeah.

Look at this, this is an ambulance ran the light here.

Okay, they can, they get to do that, too.

- They can? - Oh, yeah.

Anything that goes, whoo-whoo-whoo.

Now, let me ask you this

if you guys drive your own cars when you're off duty

and you go through that light, can you arrest yourself then?

Oh, hell, I got to take this. Yeah?

What's it say there on the invisible radio?

Uh-huh.

We should really get to that, don't you think?

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

My Wonder Woman radio was going off, so we should probably--

- Why don't we take this? - We'll take that.

And we will put it in the file.

Oh, okay.

Well, do you need my name or social security number?

We know it.

'Do you have a private extension, if I call again?'

Yes, we do.

It's 1-800-eat-

1-800-8-10.

- 'No.' - 'That's not enough numbers.'

Major bummer, Jeff.

I don't study for my geometry final today.

I'm, like, totally gonna fail.

Take a chill pill, Susie.

Watch and learn.

9-1-1, I'd like to report a bomb threat.

Thanks, Jeff.

You're da bomb.

Time out, Jeff.

Stop, drop and think.

Every fake bomb threat you call in

keeps us from stopping

the hundreds of... real bombs

set to blow up in Reno

all the time, every day.

Gee, deputy, I didn't think of that.

One thing I've learned...

Bomb threats aren't da bomb.

That's right.

And this is Deputy Williams.

Keepin' it real. Real safe.

'Alright, 28.'

What was the Bandit's

license-plate number?

And it ain't "Bandit."

A lot of people get wrong, lot of people think it's "Bandit."

It ain't "Bandit."

'Alright, final question here.'

What color

were Sally Field's shorts?

Can you make that noise doing this?

- Yeah. - It takes me a while.

- Hold on, let me pull over. - Oh, we're in a school zone.

That's okay.

It doesn't smell when you do that.

I know, that's weird.

- Does yours? - Gosh, you're better-- No.

No, it doesn't.

Mine smells a little like Cheetos.

Oh.

Yeah, I smell that, I smell that.

That's 'cause I just farted.

Oh, sweet Lord. Almighty.

Hey, do you think... Do you think this is where...

'They don't even notice us.'

'Hey, ho, ho, ho!'

- Stinky, stinky, stinky. - Holy tamale!

Guess why we're here.

Uh, we were, uh, we were--

'Because you can hear'

your crappy band six miles away.

And... Just-just constructive criticism...

- You sound awful, by the way. - Very bad.

You really, really sound bad.

Really bad.

My God, that's really nice.

Is this yours?

We borrowed that one.

Hey, Joe, you play the drums a little bit, don't you?

'Yeah, I love to play drums.'

'Clemmy, we're gonna need some backup.'

Anyway, I'm hoping that you... You break your celibacy for me.

'Oh. Well, I mean, I-I would consider it.'

Oh, careful.

I wanna send in some white light.

You know? Bring in the white light into the energy field.

- So... And, yeah. - Thank God. Yeah.

I was only doin' it, like

to protest the war and stuff, but, I mean...

- Maybe if I just... - Yeah, I can sort of feel that.

- You know... - Yeah.

'Cause I think the troops are movin' out anyway.

Hey, Buddy, do you mind, um...

Sorry, excuse me. Lemme, uh--

That's okay, we'll just wait here.

'Talk to him real quick.'

'Yeah, peace.'

'Take your time.'

Hey, dude.

Whoo, it feels good.

Yeah.

What have we been doing all our lives, man?

- Nothing, man. - Risking our necks for... what?

I haven't had a beautiful woman touch me in 15 years, man.

I'm done, let's-let's call it.

This is it, this is it, let's quit.

- Bye-bye, Reno. - You're Buddy, I'm Kyle.

Alright, Kyle.

Oh, [bleep] [bleep].

That's him, man, [bleep]. That's One-eyed Jack.

- 'Hey, freeze!' - 'Freeze! Freeze!'

'Freeze! Sheriff's Department!'

- '[bleep]' - 'What was I thinking?'

What the hell was I thinking? I love being a cop, man!

- Go on, baby. - Go on.

I thought there used to be school.

- I thought children used-- - No. Not anymore.

- Apparently not anymore. - No.

Now we drive around, and they play Grand Theft Auto

and they get on the crack pipe at four

and they're working for Walmart.

Mama's in the basement doin' phone sex for--

- Phone sex. - Eight bucks an hour.

Or cookin' meth.

Dad's in the garage cooking up meth

calling some other woman on the damn phone sex.

In some other basement...

...coming down off of meth.

A web of [bleep] evil.

It's the worst country in the world.

I made up a word game.

I don't really wanna play.

Okay, I'll play by myself.

No, what's your game?

Green.

Fun.

Tack.

Blue.

Ways to annoy the partner who's driving?

- Yeah. - Ah. Bingo.

No, it's not Bingo. It's a word game.

Responding to a 9-1-1 suicide attempt.

We got a jumper on the building.

- Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Hold on! - Hey, hey, hey!

What the hell are you doin' up here, sir?

I'm BASE jumping, baby.

I got my mind set now on the PBJs, baby.

Oh, well, you know what, we got our mind set

on you coming off this roof with us.

- Oh, no. This is nothin'. - Okay?

I-I've jumped off the-the Needle, the Sears Tower

the Frank Lloyd Wright House in Highland Park, Illinois.

'It's a ranch house, but it was a start.'

And now I'm ready to rock this building, baby.

- Let's do it, let's do it! - No, no, no.

- Ho, ho, ho! - No, no, no. No.

- You want me to get down? - I want you to get down--

- 'Then, let's do it, baby!' - No, no--

- Whoo! - Ho, ho!

- No, no! Ho! - H-ho! Hey!

- Oh, God. - Ho, ho!

. Holy [bleep]. Holy . Holy-- We need backup.

Eleven-Charlie-Reno.

We got one, uh...

...DWG, Dead White Guy.

♪ So this ain't the end I saw you again ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ I had to hide my heart away ♪

♪ Uh huh ♪

♪ You smiled like the sun ♪

♪ Kisses for everyone ♪

♪ And tales ♪

♪ It never fails ♪

♪ I'm lying so low in the weeds ♪

♪ Bet you gonna ambush me ♪

♪ You have me down down down down on my knees ♪

♪ Barracuda ♪

♪ Oh ohhh ♪

- Yeah, but we gotta study it. - We gotta...

We gotta get it while it's fresh.

By the time it comes out natural

these boys could be all the way in California.

Yeah, if we can't check it for prints

if we can't check for trauma

you're painting us into a corner.

We'll find a quiet spot in the parking lot out there.

We'll try and get it out, we'll get you on your way.

- And you'll be good, okay? - Yeah, now...

You was facing one way.

- Yeah. - Hotdog man was behind you.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Are you sure it was just one hot dog?

It was a foot long, but it was just one.

Foot long.