Original subtitles

Come on, people.

Let's go, Presidente Whoever-you-are.

. Damn it.

- I can't hold it. - I can't hold it, either.

. Oh, [bleep].

One, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

- it. - Okay. Forget it.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

Oh, oh!

Oh, [bleep].

Oh! Ah, that's good.

Oh, son of a...

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch!

- Hey! - Oh!

, man!

Come here!

Oh! Ah!

Oh-ah! Oh!

'Anybody see "The Office" last night?'

What's that?

'They talk like...'

"Hello, my name is Samuel."

I don't know their names on it

but they talk funny, and they work in an office.

- They're really funny. - It's very good.

'Uh, and I guess that's about it'

'unless, uh...'

Anybody else has anything they want to add...

'...of interest?'

Why are you wearing that thing on your head?

This "thing" on my head is called a burka

and I am exercising

my religious freedom, alright?

I stand before you, Raineesha X

all praise is due to Allah.

It's from the homeland-security training.

I'm sorry. I thought she was gonna--

- No, no. She don't have a bomb. - Good instinct.

No, no, she didn't have a...

Things have changed for me, because, see

my eyes were opened to the truth.

The truth that the white man is the devil, huh?

'In the Koran...'

Okay, I'm not sure everything it says

'cause I just got it.

But I know that it talks about y'all being the devil.

Thanks to the nation of Islam, I'm free.

Is this gonna be a problem doing your job

now that you're nation of Muslim?

Don't be aggressive with me, okay?

I wasn't being aggressive.

Don't hate me, 'cause I found the truth

and now that my eyes are open, hah, you can't have me

'cause, see, I was had.

I was took.

I been hoodwinked, bamboozled.

Y'all have run amok.

- Hornswoggled. - Thank you, brother.

- And fandangled. - Thank you.

boozled.

No.

Well, I support you, sister.

I'm not your sister, cracker jack.

Whatever.

So, are you quitting because we're the devil?

You can't run me out of here!

'I'm gonna do what I got to do!'

Deal with it, crackers!

There's a new sheriff in town. Hah!

Asalaam alaikum.

It's alaikum salaam, brother.

Okay. Where was I?

Ho, ho, ho!

Hey, hey.

Afro-man, here we go.

'Hey, hey!'

'People! People!'

Make some noise for J-Lo!

Wait a minute, we got some new contestants, here we go.

Here's gay cop...

'Gay cop! Gay cop!'

Gay cop! Gay cop! Gay cop!

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

'Slut cop, ladies and gentlemen. Slut cop!'

Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut!

People!

Alright, you crazy drunks, this is for the $500 prize.

I'm in. I'm in.

- $500 cash? - '$500 cash, big man.'

Here we go. Who's gonna get it?

Gay cop, show them what you got, baby. 500 big ones.

Gay cop! Gay cop! Gay cop! Gay cop! Gay cop! Gay cop!

Gay cop! Gay cop! Gay cop! Gay cop!

'That's pretty good. That's pretty good.'

Let's give it up for the crowd favorite, slut cop.

Slut cop! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut!

Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut! Slut!

'Party's over! Gay cop says party's over.'

To me, it doesn't make sense

that you gotta pray facing a certain way.

If God's everywhere, shouldn't you be able to

you know, face any which way when you pray?

Like, is his receiver somewhere in the Middle East

and he's listening to the receiver or something?

Yeah, that's like, I have a plan with God

but it's like a bad cell plan.

Doesn't work in certain areas.

- Five calls a day. - 'That's right.'

Anytime, see, I got anytime minutes with my God.

- Hallelujah. - 24-7.

- All praise is due to Allah. - 'Yeah.'

'Morning to you.'

Just in time for lunch.

You got that rug at the swap meet

and I know it glows in the dark.

'I'm gonna go get some bacon.'

I don't hear the devil when the devil speaks.

- Wow. - What?

You are hot.

Look at this, this is really working for you

and it's working on me, huh?

Thank you. I mean, that wasn't what it was all about.

- But thanks. - I know.

But, what say you and me, squad car, now?

Let's go, huh?

Oh, no, I can't do that anymore.

I am a forbidden fruit.

Yeah, but I'm hungry, so let's eat. Let's go.

No, no, no.

I-I will let you take me on a proper date.

- Proper date? - Yeah.

Alright, whatever it takes.

- Pick me up tomorrow. - Okay.

You and me, proper date. Boom.

Oh, man. This is too easy.

- Let's get him. - Hey, here we go. Come on.

There you go. Another student driver, here we go.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

- Hey. - Hey, turn off your engine.

Let me see your driver's license and registration.

I-I don't have a driver's license.

'You're driving without a license, sir?'

Well, I'm training to get...

'You don't have a driver's license?'

Well, I have three more hours on my driver's training.

Yeah, step out of the car.

Follow my hand, sir, follow it.

- Are you following his hand? - Close your eyes.

Tip your head back. Tip your head back.

I took some cough medicine, but I didn't think--

- You took what? - What'd you take?

It was homeopathic, there was no--

Why, why?

Why are you taking homo cough medicine?

Shut up and walk towards me.

Okay, that's good enough. You're in a lot of trouble.

Do you know what you were doing here today?

You realize what you could've been doing?

Look at my partner when he's talking to you.

No, look at him. I'm gonna talk to you.

Listen to him. Look at me and listen to him.

Look at him while I'm talking to you, okay?

Step over here, sir.

Step over here so we can talk about you.

We should just take him to jail.

No, I'm gonna take him in.

Okay!

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

You're not stopping me from getting my license!

Listen, sir.

No, no, you listen to me!

Yeah, look at me and listen to me, right?

Look over there and listen to that, how's that feel?

Okay, turn around and listen, right?

I want you in first, and I want you facing away

and I want you in second.

I don't want to hurt you guys. I just want to make fun of you.

Oh, my God.

'We're trapped inside our car.'

'Residential street, Murphy, three and half miles--'

Shut up! I can hear you talking!

- 'Okay, okay!' - 'I can't breathe.'

'Come on, now. [bleep]'

Sorry!

'We-we-we...'

Islam's for, I mean, I don't want to be racist

but it seems like Islam's for black people.

Oh, yeah. Well, there's two kinds of Islam.

And I don't mean that in a nice way.

No, there's two kinds of Islam

there's the browny version and the black version.

The thing is with Islam

it's a religion that involves a sort of costume outfit

and you're not gonna get a lot of white people

to join a religion that involves a costume.

No, I don't like wearing this every day.

We had a rather major bust this morning.

A couple of Croatians were making counterfeit $5 bills

out here in this little workshop.

We have to count all of it before we hand it over

to the secret service, who handle it from there.

Okay, I'm at $16,300 right here.

$16,305. $16,310.

Yeah, Jim and I have been doing this for like

six hours or seven hours.

It feels like ten hours

'cause when you're sitting in a hot room like this

it feels like...

You know, just one hour can feel like five hours or ten hours.

I mean, it's only been, realistically--

- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. - 'What?'

Where was I?

Where was I what?

$16,340, $16,345.

'Jim, listen. It sounds like my chair's farting.'

$16,350, $16,355.

Phew.

- Sixty, $16,365... - Phew.

Oh, I shouldn't have had that burrito at lunch, Jim.

Oh, [bleep] it! . Damn it!

Hey. Look real good.

You look great.

Thank you.

I mean, you really look...

I mean, when you said you were down for anything

I didn't know you were, you know.

We're gonna date, we're gonna date right, right?

I went the internet and I saw how they looked

and so I said, "Hey, I'm gonna try it out."

- I like it. - 'I like this.'

You look real nice.

Look at this, looks good.

Okay, but don't touch me, though.

- Huh? - You can't do that.

Hmm.

The nation is calling.

Hello.

How you doing, sister?

'We just wanted to pass out some information on the nation.'

Alright, on the white devils.

And what they're trying to do

to the black man here in America.

'You look a little mixed'

'like you got some kind of something in your family'

like a little, you know, some negroid or something.

'Mm-hmm. Embrace it.'

Crucify the whiteness.

Embrace...

- Your negroidness. - There you go.

Yeah, 'cause the white devil

is infiltrating your neighborhood.

Alright? But the nation is here.

Have no fear.

The nation is here.

Yeah.

We gonna leave you that.

'Thing long, you think wrong.'

- Hah! - Hey.

- See, you gotta call them out. - You got to call them out.

Yeah, you just tell the truth.

- Okay, you tell what you know. - Uh-huh.

That they are evil, that white people are the devil.

Alright, they're straight from the pit of hell.

And you just have to call that stuff out.

And if they can't handle it, that ain't your problem.

'Cause, see, you got the truth on your, hey!

- Huh? - No. no, no.

I don't even balance my own checkbook at home.

I don't know why we're bothering.

'Twenty, twenty five, thirty.'

Do you know how much money I have in my account at home?

Forty five, fifty, fifty five.

Forty two dollars.

Sixty five, seventy.

But they don't let you take out just $42.

You have to take out, like, $40.

But then you're left with $2

and then they don't let you take $2 out.

You have to take, go to the guy and go

"Please, sir, could I please?

There's $2 in my bank account, and it's my $2."

Why don't you go get some air for a second?

- Okay. - How's that?

Would you like anything?

- I'm good. - Okay.

You sure don't want anything? I could go to 7-eleven.

'Okay.'

I think this whole Islamic religion, voodoo, hojo

uh, weird crap is poisoning the minds of all our foreigners

and dark-colored people in this country.

And if they just learn to be a regular

white, Christian, upstanding citizens.

'No, you can't learn to be white.'

- Why, you can-- - You can't learn to be white.

You can act a certain way that this country was founded on.

Instead of throwing down carpets

on any empty space you see

and refusing to eat pork.

Okay, be nice, because there's two kinds of Muslims.

There's nation of Islam, black guys

and regular Muslims, and there's a difference.

The nation of Islam Muslims want to kill all the white people.

And the other Muslims want to kill everyone else.

- No, no. - Right.

Sir! Hey! Hey, man!

'Can we holler at you for a second?'

Alright?

Listen, buddy, the nation is here, alright?

So better stay clear.

We're here.

And we're here to tell you that...

We're calling you out, sir.

You have wronged our people.

Your people have wronged our people, alright?

We have been hoodwinked

bamboozled and run amok.

What?

'Do you know any black people?'

No, you don't.

He don't know black people.

Walk in the truth, sir.

Walk in the truth. That's all we trying to do.

'Also, we were taking donations.'

Donations for reparations, my white brother.

Why, you put a little anger in this time.

See, that took it over. I liked it.

'Well, I put a little bass in my throat.'

Right. The anger worked well. I liked that.

You were like, "Sir, sir!" I was...

Yeah.

Uh...

Jehovah l-loves you.

Jehovah loves you.

Oh, God!

Get 'em, Jonesy! Get 'em!

Oh, God, I'm so hot.

Oh.

Does that feel good?

- Yeah, it feels good. - Yeah?

- Yeah, you blowing on me? - Yeah.

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, God, that feels, feels terrific.

Yeah?

Let me blow on you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, oh. That feels good.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh, that feels good.

- Do me again. - Oh, do you.

- You do me. - I'll do you.

Oh.

Alright.

What's going on, sir?

Inside, come on.

- Are there weapons, sir? - No.

You want some stick time?

'No, leave her alone!'

'Leave her alone!'

Oh, look out!

Look out!

I got her this way!

Get 'em, girl. Get 'em, girl! Get 'em.

T.T.!

'Can anybody tell me what's going on here?'

'She told us that she had fallen in love.'

We put this whole wedding together.

Calm down.

Everybody!

I got an announcement.

The groom is him.

Let the party begin. Y'all come on.

'Yeah, the groom is here, T.T.'

Hey, padre, get over there and marry them.

Just say, "I do."

Okay, no, that's not gonna happen.

No, gimme that stick back.

You give me that, ho, ho!

No. Hey, hey, hey. Ho, ho, ho.

Okay.

Get him off!

No, no, no!

Stop it!

We are all going to jail.

- Quit it! - 'We are all going to jail.'

'Alright.'

I don't know about this whole Williams business

of wearing a beekeeper's uniform

and claiming to pray to some guy named "Mahalo"

or whatever it is.

I think it's just crazy talk and an excuse to get attention.

I think she's trying to get Jones all bothered

and I think it's a waste of time and I think it's dangerous.

And I don't know how she can get to her guns

or any of her weapons with that big, long Batman cape on.

I guess she's not allowed to touch men

but it's okay for her to shoot them and mace them

which is a weird distinction

to make in any religion, I think.

Yeah.

Yes, you ought to be able to touch somebody.

If you're gonna kill them, you ought to be able to touch them.

I agree.

I'm getting used to this whole look here.

You look like Mary in the passion play

if the color's a little futzy.

Yeah, and the vertical hold is off a little bit.

'You need to enjoy the fruits of my bounty.'

Uh, Williams. Uh--

- Excuse me, "X." - 'Right, right.'

- Raineesha X. - Right, I got it.

I got your request here for paid leave

for the entire month of Ramadan

because apparently you have to fast and pray

and you can't travel to work, things like that.

- That's right. - An entire month, yeah.

I've made it clear, didn't I?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I got it. And I got it.

And stamped it approved

and then, to the mail at the station today came

your reservations at the Atlantis Resort Casino

for 28 days of fun in the sun

'and a all-you-can-eat buffet.'

See--

These aren't related, are they?

'Okay! Okay, wait. Hold on.'

I...

- Okay, you know what? - I'm listening.

The white devil's listening.

Yes, they're related, okay?

I'm gonna go ahead, and I'm gonna come clean.

I...

I was saying what I was saying about the nation

'cause I wanted the whole month off, so that's the truth.

I appreciate your honesty.

I know you're probably not gonna let me go now

because of that

and so my tickets are gonna basically be wasted, but...

No, I don't care if you go. You can go.

Just, just don't lie.

I can go?

Well, you got a lot of sick leave, anyway, so...

- Thank you. - Sure.

I appreciate that.

And sorry about the "white devil" thing.

- Hey, I get it all the time. - I was just playing.

I get it all the time, and worse.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Key chains for everybody? Hah!

Shot glass for you.

I collect things made out of clams.

Nothing for you.

to have the little, wah-wah.

Which one are you getting?

'Cause you came to me and you said

you had two procedures coming up.

One was a wah-wah, and one was like a eaaahhh.

No, this is, the four-day procedure is wah-wah.

I thought the nrrrr

where they go in the other way was longer.

'Which is the one where they're gonna do a little camera?'

That's a scraping. That's a four-day.

That's the four-day? Which sound does it go with?

And we all cross our legs.