Original subtitles

Surprise!

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, honey!

Thank you!

It's a rifle!

'It's pointing right at me.'

It's pointing at right me, Trudy.

It's loaded too. Careful.

'Oh, oh! Oh, oh!'

- 'Oh, oh, oh, oh.' - 'Okay.'

I can get it!

- 'Trudy...' - I can get it!

Oh, she's going over the wall.

She's going, it's good, it'll be a fun day for her.

'Happy birthday!'

'Come here.'

Oh! Ah!

Wait, no!

'Uh, I got this in last night.'

The State of Nevada is trying to, uh, pass a referendum

where, uh, state, and, uh, local government employees

cannot have moustaches.

'Has anyone seen this? Prop 5-5-1?'

- 'They're uh...' - That is

I find that [bleep].

- 'Take away our moustaches.' - That ain't fair.

They will take my moustache

from my cold, dead upper lip, my friend.

I ain't coming into work without a 'stache.

Junior, you was born with that moustache, wasn't you?

Hell, yeah. It's my daddy's moustache.

Or he had a similar one.

'I don't want to work here without a moustache.'

'I really don't.'

I don't want to work here either.

Well, you have a very light moustache, so lucky you.

It is time for a bleaching.

I see a blue pickup truck, Robin's-egg blue.

A 1973 Dodge Laredo with expired tags.

It's turning. It's pulling in.

'There's an orange door with the number 27.'

And I see a sign, it says "Sparks Self Storage."

'Oh, brilliant.'

'Oh, they're pulling their energy back. That's it.'

'Thank you for your light and your energy and everything...'

'Ask her if she, uh... Ask her is she saw Elvis.'

'I want you to shut up.'

You must run into skeptics all the time.

I do.

How long have you been looking for evidence? Four weeks now?

- About four weeks. - Yeah, four weeks.

And how many leads do you have?

- We got a couple. - No, we got none.

You got zero.

'Now you have your answer. Thank you.'

Thank you.

Oh, oh, scrotal sac torn, bleeding

waving in the wind, flapping, flapping.

You're gonna lose your left ball before midnight tomorrow night.

'Oh.'

- Oh. - What?

I'm gonna lose my what? My, my ball?

Your testicle is in great danger.

- Oh, my gosh. - What?

That's [bleep], that's what it is. I ain't scared.

It's not [bleep], think positive.

That's [bleep], lady, [bleep].

Oh! Whoa!

'Oh, my God.'

I don't believe in, uh, psychics, per se.

Uh, I did have a conversation with my Uncle Frederick

on a Ouija board once

uh, and he told me where he had buried

uh, some old LPs and jeans.

Uh, and I went and looked

and, uh, I, I hit a gas line

uh, at my mom's old place.

And the fire department came

and it was a bit of a hubbub.

And then I stopped contacting the dark side, really.

'Uh, yeah, uh, this is Travis Junior'

'reportin' in from, uh, Sparks Self Storage.'

'Yeah, everything's here.'

'Door 27 underneath the tarp, all the merchandise.'

'That chick was right.'

Holy mother of God.

- How you doing, father? - How you doing?

Funeral...

This can't happen. She drove everybody out of here.

'Can you please just take care of this, please?'

We'll take care of it. Sorry about that.

'Titi!'

Hey, sweetheart.

Titi! Grab her.

- Titi, slow down. - Oh, oh!

Titi, we're not doing this again, girl.

We're not doing this again.

Titi, no, oh!

Slow down, slow down.

- That's alright. - Oh, I loved him!

- You loved him? - Calm down.

Damn, damn, damn!

- Okay. Okay. - Okay. Okay.

Yeah, he was good. We have to leave though, sweetheart.

- We got to go. - You scared everyone.

Oh, hold on a second.

He was old.

Oh, give me my stick!

Okay, we got the stick down again.

'Titi is in the funeral home.'

Titi... calm down.

I got you. I got you.

Okay, alright.

We got to go. We're sorry.

No! No!

Titi, no! Titi, stop!

- Titi! - He was so good to me.

We have to take you away, okay?

He was so... Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, let me just pay my last respects.

Who is that?

Hi, sheriff's department.

- Oh, I didn't do anything. - No, no, it's alright.

No, no, no, no. Don't run, don't run.

Sir, I wonder if we could take a moment of your time today.

The, uh, the state government is, uh, trying to pass a bill...

'Oh, my God. Oh, no.'

Oh, no.

No, it's alright. Well, you can, you can help us out.

Oh, alright, I thought it was a bad thing.

What the state government would like us to do

is they, they're trying to require us

to perform our job moustache-less.

'Moustache-less?'

Yes, without the aid of moustaches

and, uh, we're trying to get 2,000 signatures

here on this petition.

Why do they don't... Why don't they like the moustache?

Sir...

All them "bureaucrats", they got to do something.

- I think I know why. - Why is that?

'Cause you look like gigolos with moustaches.

You look like paid male companions.

Well, I can sign... Do you have, like a "maybe" column?

What's your name, sir?

- Larrie Plum. P-L-U-M. - Larrie Plum.

Larrie Plum.

Uh, L-A-R-R-I-E.

I-E? Larrie with an I-E?

Yeah, same pronunciation.

Well, we had two Larrys in the family, so they went...

One "Y" and one I-E except after "C."

Initial next to your signature there.

Sure. Uh, what am I signing now?

- Thank you. - We're good. Thank you.

Well, good luck to you in your chosen field.

'What a weirdo.'

Jonesy's scared white.

Boy, he-he's walking around, protecting his jewels

like they was worth more than the Crown Jewels.

He's, uh, you know, uh, he's keeping away from anything

that's nut-level and sharp.

Yeah, now, I don't mean this in a racial way, but did you ever

go to the zoo and you see that gorilla

that's kind of pacing back and forth

and he's grabbing the tire

and he's about to throw his, his, uh

and he's getting all nervous?

That's what Jones looks like right now.

Not in a racial way.

- 'Oh, yeah!' - 'Okay! Okay.'

'Well, it's a very exciting day for us.'

'We had a little money left over in the budget last year'

and we finally got ourselves

one of these new fangled bomb robots

they're making over in Israel.

Hey, bomb robot, have a cold one.

Yes, delicious human beer.

'Beer for robot.'

'Can he do a toast?'

'Beer for my robot homies.'

- 'Oh-oh.' - Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da.

Go, robot, robot.

Danger. Danger, Will Robinson, danger.

Oh! Ohh!

'Sorry. I didn't do it on purpose!'

- 'You did it on purpose!' - I did not do it on purpose!

'You know what the psychic said!'

- I didn't do it on purpose. - 'Aah, get it away from me!'

No one understands!

'Oh.'

Oh, man.

Come here, Jonesy.

Of course, I did it on purpose

but it didn't look like I was looking.

Oh, man, look at this.

'This breaks my heart.'

'Broad daylight, in the middle of broad daylight.'

What have we told you about this neighborhood?

They got neighborhood watch.

'They call us every time you're out here.'

'What do you think we stopped for?'

Probab... Okay, okay, just, alright, listen.

I just, just want you to know that, um

I was, I was talking to those ladies

and I don't know exactly--

They were hookers.

I assumed that, um, that they were hookers

but I, I want you to know my reasoning.

Yeah, I think you were right in that assumption.

Well, just so you know, okay, it's-it's my birthday.

You think your birthday gives you

'special license to break the law?'

No, I just, you know

never with a woman, I've never...

I've never...

...made it...

...sweet.

You've never gotten laid. What's the big deal?

'Yeah, still a virgin.'

Does your mom know you're here?

Well, yeah, well, actually...

Right, yeah, actually that's, that's her.

- Hi! - 'Hi, ma.'

'With the video camera, yeah.'

How much money you got on you?

Well, my mom kinda gave me a blank, blank check

so I guess it's...

damn.

- Will you adopt me? - 'Yeah, no kidding.'

- 'No kidding.' - 'I'm just kidding.'

You was talking to the, to the kind of juggy sister.

Is that what you're looking for?

You're looking for kind of a big kinda

African Queen?

I'm thinking about, I'm thinking about a Jewish woman.

- You sure? - 'There's, uh...'

'There's a real great... You're about two blocks away'

from a brothel that's all Japanese, all Japanese.

All Japanese? You're... It's enticing.

I just... I think that...

I think that I should probably start Jewish

and then maybe work my way...

- We'll do him right! - A Jewish brothel.

You're right, they have them.

Do you want Jewish or is that your mom who wants that?

Take me to the all Asian.

All Asian place, yeah. You got it, you got it.

We're going to the burnin' bush.

You're gonna go out to, uh, to Virginia and make a left.

Just follow us.

We'll lose her. We'll lose her.

I'll, uh, I'll get around this corner

and there is no way that soccer mom van

can keep up with a crown vic.

Awesome. Whoo-hoo!

I don't want to see what Garcia looks

like without a moustache.

I don't want to see what Junior looks like.

Dangle, you can kind of

already see what he looks like.

- I agree. - He probably looks okay.

I'm with you.

But Junior...

I think Junior may be hiding a harelip.

That's what I was trying to say.

I forgot that's what they call it

like when your lip is up like that.

- Harelip. - Harelip.

Look at this.

Harelip, harelip.

- Harelip. - Harelip.

I can't do it.

- Harelip. - Harelip.

- I got a harelip. - I got a harelip.

I don't want to shave my moustache.

Harelips, 10 cents. Harelips.

Can you sign my petition?

Brother, can you spare a harelip?

The sheriff's department is trying to take away

our moustaches as deputies

and we're getting a petition together

to see if we can hold onto 'em for a little while

so if you wouldn't mind putting your, uh... John Henry on there

you'd do us, uh, a big favor.

Wait, what?

We want you to sign this petition.

We're trying to keep our moustaches.

They're trying to take them away.

If you could just, uh, put your old John Williams on there

that'd really, uh, give us a good--

I don't get it. Well, there...

This doesn't make any sense, kind of.

- Yeah, yeah. - That's what we think, too.

- It's ridiculous. - We think the same thing.

- It's just completely stupid. - Yeah.

I don't, I don't necessarily...

I mean, you guys look like a bunch of a butt darts.

I think it'd be a...

What, what, what, what? We look like "butt darts?"

How you doing today, sir?

'Muy buena.'

Muy buena, gonna need to have you step out of the car for me.

Y-y-yes. Si.

You step out of the car for me.

- Cabeza, head. - 'Cabeza. Cabeza.'

You, hands on your head, down on your knees. Do it.

Comprende? Do you...

Got a 9-1-1 call, domestic disturbance.

- Here we are. - Oh.

- 'Sheriff's department!' - 'Sheriff's department!'

- 'You kinda lost--' - Right here, this way.

- What's going on, ma'am? - It's my brother.

He said he's gonna rip my baby's head off.

the baby is there.

Get out of the... Get... Come out! Come out!

- Come out with the baby! - Drop that baby!

- Come out with the baby! - Drop that baby.

- I'll pop it right [bleep] off! - Sir.

- I'll pop it right off! - 'Step out!'

It's a squeaky baby.

- Are you her husband? - No--

- Give her the squeaky baby. - Give her the squeaky baby.

'Don't throw it!'

Are you... You are not her husband?

No, I'm-I'm her brother.

He's my brother, and he won't let me go out on dates.

But I need to find a proper daddy for my baby.

Now, you got two choices right here.

'You got two choices.'

You can apologize, or you can go to jail.

I'm sorry.

Really?

- Yeah, look at me. - No.

- Look at me. - Can't.

- Look at me. - Fine.

- I'm sorry, alright? - Okay.

- That's nice. - I'm sorry, too.

- Okay. - That's nice.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

- I love you. - I know I love you, too.

- I love you. - 'No!'

- Hey! Stop it. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Where does it say I can't French my sister?

I don't know for a fact that it says that

but I'm saying it right now.

'Don't worry.'

'So, now you're making up laws.'

'No! No. [bleep].'

'Do not make out!'

'Do not hump. Do not dry-hump.'

Do not dry-hump in this vehicle.

No, no, no, no, no!

Not only do I not believe

that Jones is gonna lose his balls in, in some weird accident

but I don't even believe

and I know you say you were there and you saw it.

I don't even believe that the psychic ever even said that.

What I think is that, once again

this is another attempt by Jones

to have everyone focusing on his balls.

And I'm not gonna fall for it.

Reno Sheriff's Department! Open up!

Sheriff's department! Open up!

'Wrong house!'

- No, it isn't! - Open up, sir.

Open the damn door.

'You'll don't, you don't come in here, I got a dog!'

We don't give a [bleep] damn about no damn dog!

Open up the damn door!

Sir, we're coming in! Open this door!

- 'I ain't opening nothing!' - Do it, Jones, do it.

Oh, my God!

Oh, [bleep].

Okay, people, for five points.

On your motor-vehicle safety exam.

- It's a movie. - 'Three words.'

Men in a... Oh.

- Three... - Third word.

Third word.

Bananas.

- Bananas. - Bananas!

"Let's Go Bananas!" "Let's Go Bananas!"

Woody Allen's "Bananas." The thi...

'Get out of here.'

'Flies, flies.'

'Shoo. Shoo fly.'

'Kill.'

'Bugs.'

- Flies. - Flies.

- 'Bee.' - Bee, bee.

'"Be My Banana."'

'Penis guy.'

'Penis guy Jones.'

Over. No.

- It's not "Penis Guy Jones." - I get, I got very excited.

You're not supposed to be guessing.

We need members of the community to help us out

by signing this petition.

If you'd sign it tonight

that'll let us keep our moustaches

which will let us keep you safe

so we'd appreciate your signatures tonight.

- Okay. - 'Fantastic.'

Um... can we, uh

sign our character names?

- Sure. - Yeah, go ahead.

'First syllable.'

Her... Herbie.

"Herbie And The Bananas!"

"Herbie Goes Bananas." "Herbie Goes Bananas!"

- Nice. - Five.

Okay, we only got six...

Six and a half more hours of this, people.

What's our opinion on the department banning moustaches?

'Check out the action on these.'

You can't tell whether I'm smiling or I'm angry

when I do that, hmm?

Poker face.

Yeah.

- I think you're gonna-- - Am I going for my gun?

My lip's not telling you. Uh-uh.

Where am I going in my kill window? Hm?

Gun, base, cuffs?

Am I gonna hug you, or am I gonna choke you out?

This ain't sayin'.

And with this, forget it.

'He could bluff me with a, a two.'

- Am I mad at you? - I'm folding right now.

Am I about to help you find the Arby's?

You don't know.

I'll say I, uh, admire your conviction.

Turning in your badge and gun.

Keeps them, uh, wild dogs away from you, huh?

Past midnight. I got my ball.

I got all my balls.

Hey, Jones, that clock's fast, buddy.

- It's 11:58. - He's right.

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, oh.

Oh, I'm, I'm so...

Okay, i-ice! Ice, ice, ice. Get ice.

'I'm just gonna put some pressure on, okay?'

'Ow! No, don't!'

- I'm just applying pressure. - 'Argh!'

'He's trying to help you.'

'I'm trying to help you.'

'Dangle, I think you're gonna n-need to go get ice'

'if you're gonna ice that.'

'Jim, Jim, let go of it!'

'Uh, kind of good news, gang.'

'They got our petition.'

But now for some reason moustaches are mandatory.

'What?'

Jim, does that mean, uh, the women, too?

It doesn't specify, but it says mandatory.

This is the scissors they have.

I use it to cut my shirt

because my other shirt was too big and it was gross.

Hi.

Morning. Scissors.

Not supposed to touch these, Terry.

I didn't touch it.

I didn't know.

Hey, gang, how's everybody feeling?

'Not so good, I heard.'

But the Deputy Jimbo One-man Band is here to cheer you up.

♪ My gal is a highborn lady ♪

♪ She's black but she ain't too shady ♪

♪ Pretty as a peacock just as gay ♪

♪ She's not colored she was born that way ♪

♪ Oh I'm proud of my Black Venus ♪

♪ No can come between us ♪

- Okay. - That's right.

I think that's enough.

'Movie. Tell them...'

Wait, hold on a second. I have to count.

'Sound it out in your head.'

Shh!

- Movie. - Movie!

Okay. Shh.

- Three words. Tell me... - On-one word?

It took you that long to count one word?

- Three words. - Three words.

First word.

You're mo-mouthing it out. "Fast And The Furious."

Whoo!

You mouthed it out. You sa... You mouthed...

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!