Original subtitles

- You about ready? - Yeah.

Hey, we're out here testing

our new high-tech bulletproof vest.

This vest, as the kids would say, is the shiznit.

Uh, junior will do the honors here.

'Ready?'

Clear!

Oh

'Come here!'

'Um, I don't know if you know but the Mexican'

'gentleman who used to touch and hug'

the mannequins over at Walmart

died in cell number four last night.

- What? - Yeah.

- Oh... - 'Yeah.'

I thought someone had fish.

'No, no. Yeah.'

They think either Nick, The Grip got him

or it was autoerotic or something.

Oh, hey, quick update--

How many, uh, tickets to the policemen's ball

have people been selling?

- 'One. One and a half. Three?' - Three.

- 'Zero.' - 'Zero.'

Either we're gonna really kick in and really try and sell some

tickets or we're never gonna have a [bleep] popcorn machine.

We're not moving them, sir, 'cause you know why?

'"Firemen's pancake dinner.'

'"Saturday, June first, 7:00 p.m. to midnight.'

'Tickets, $25. $35 at the door."'

That's the same night as ours.

Why would they do that? Why would they do that

unless out of spite?

It's the exact same night.

It's classic fireman bull - [bleep].

'Who eats pancakes for dinner?'

I do sometimes.

Pancakes and dinner is

first off, an anachronism.

You can't have a dog around pancakes.

That's not safe.

'I was down on Virginia Street'

and they had a wall that was just

like five on top of each other

all the way down the block.

It was just like... It was like, "boom!" Yeah.

We'll go talk to them. And... We'll go talk to them.

You mean you're going to go talk to them

Or do you mean you're going to go "talk" to them?

We'll see how it goes, play it by ear.

They're trying to put out our fire of enjoyment

on a night that we deserve

for all the things that we do to help this community.

Flames don't jump at you

at the speed a bullet comes at you.

Let's put it that way.

So who's more important in the community?

You decide.

And after you put out the fire

the fire don't go hire a lawyer and sue you.

Nobody talks about the fire's rights to be a fire.

Have you ever heard of a drive-by fire?

- Nope. - No, you haven't.

Heroes, my ass.

Bastards.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on?

- I didn't do nothing. - Alright. Whoa.

I'm doing nothing wrong. Nothing wrong.

Where's your clothes, sir?

Ain't no law that says a man has to wear pants.

Yes, there is, sir. There is--

There is no law against a man not wearing pants.

There are laws, sir. That you-you cannot wear--

It was, it was not explained to me.

It was not explained to me.

Don't ask, don't tell, don't do it.

Put on your... You put on your pants!

- I have-- - You put on your pants!

Sir, I have pants on.

You put on another pair of pants!

You put on two pair of pants!

What's that stuff on your nose?

I'm baking a cake.

- 'You're baking a cake?' - 'You're baking a cake?'

It's my mother's birthday, and I'm baking her a cake.

You sure that's not drugs, sir?

Ain't no law against drugs.

I know my rules. I know my rules.

You give me three phone call and two meal.

I get a last meal before you go.

Do I think the firemen moved their pancake dinner

to the same night as the policemen's ball...

...to spite us?

Is the pope friends with Mel Gibson?

Yes, they did it to spite us.

- They're jealous. - Because they're jealous.

Firemen are jealous of us cops.

Look at their day. Look at their day.

They work out.

They wash things.

They watch porn.

They work out again.

They watch more porn.

They polish poles.

Then they have a big old steak dinner.

- They're jealous of us. - They're jealous of us.

- 'Sheriff's department.' - 'Hey!'

- Hey. - Yeah.

- How's it going? - Good. Reno's finest.

- 'Ha ha!' - Ha ha!

You, you meant us, right?

You meant us? Right. Good.

Uh, hey, look, uh, we came about...

We saw your posters, uh, for your pancake dinner.

- Oh. - Yeah.

It, uh, yeah, seems like, uh

there's been some kind of mix-up.

It's the same night as our policemen's ball.

Wow, that'll be fun!

No, see, the-the thing is that

you've booked, uh, you booked the upstairs of the VFW there.

- Yeah, it's a great space. - Yeah, the Casablanca room.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Nice.

We're-we're down in room "B" at the same time, same night.

Oh, wow, you guys should come up.

You like pancakes?

Who's the ranking officer here?

That's your man. Yeah. Here's the boss.

Hey, stop it.

Let's take a walk for a second.

Uh, we can't move the tickets

'cause of your little affair that you're having here.

This-this-this cockamamie pancake dinner.

Hey. It's a charity.

- It's for charity? Oh! - It's for charity.

Oh, pancake dinner for charity then.

I'd like to move it, but we can't

because, you know, there's kids here.

You're talking crutches, you're talking kids without legs.

Exactly, which kind of foils your argument

because you have to go get them, obviously.

They're not, you know, renting limos

and coming to your pancake dinner, I don't think.

So you go get them anytime.

They're-they're cripples, right?

Well, Merv Griffin, God bless him.

He's donated 15 limousines.

So we're going to just pack them with, uh, you know...

You actually are picking up crippled children

in limousines for your dinner?

Yeah.

Um, you want to talk about them?

- 'The panty hose?' - Yeah.

- My legs get cold. - 'Cool.'

I'm asking you nice. Come on, man.

You've played every card on me.

You played the, "Oh, it's for charity."

Ours is for charity, too.

The charity just happens to be us, okay?

What are we doing?

Winner moves their dinner?

Cross the line.

Cross the line, you move your dinner.

It's not fair you're not in panty hose.

- One, two, three. - Ah [bleep].

There he goes.

Okay, you're gonna pull something.

Okay. Forget it. Let's go.

Hey, uh, I had an awesome idea

for the policemen's ball.

Ready? Is your seat belt buckled?

- Yes, it is. - I already know.

I don't even have to look. You ready? Here's what it is.

You and me...

...get one of the big hummer limo.

You and me, hummer time and we go...

We party

and we get a whole bunch of Bud and Bud Light

fill up, and then we, we cruise over

and we, you know, raise the roof a little bit.

A couple of wildcats in there, you know.

Just us in a hummer and then

we go to the policemen's ball.

As tempting as that sounds, sir

uh, I've already made plans.

I've already made plans, lieutenant, with Williamson.

You don't want to do-do you and me in a hummer?

Come on, you and me.

Well, you make a lot more money than I do.

Hummer time.

- Okay. - Okay, yeah?

- No. No, not okay. - Okay. No.

I'm just saying, don't hit me anymore.

Oh.

'How y'all doin'?'

You ever meet a real, live

deputy sheriff before?

So who here wants to be a cop when they grow up, huh?

Which one of you guys... or girl?

Uh, I've got something.

Who wants to see my thumb infection?

No, no.

Oh, my God, it's the fire department!

How you doing, guys?

How's it going?

Good to see you.

Sally!

Throw me a high-five!

You know, we got some time off, we decided to come down here.

'Good! I'm glad!'

This is great all of us could be here.

You guys came here on your time off?

Well, we were upstairs giving some blood.

Yeah, when we're not fighting crime

we're in here fightin' frowns

with these fellas.

Like shoot those frowns off of your face.

Right in the face!

Blow it out. Blow it out.

That's so much better than last week.

You're getting stronger every week.

Here, take a shot at me.

Take a shot at me This thing'll stop it.

- Hey. - Hey-hey, yeah.

Who likes pancakes?

Ooh, we do! We love pancakes.

We're having a pancake dinner. And, uh...

They're not just for breakfast.

No, they're not, but we're charging a hug.

- Who's got a hug? - 'We're charging $25.'

You got a hug. Alright. There's one for you.

There's a certain amount of too much fun

that we can bestow.

We don't want your aneurysms to...

Alright, what we have here

is a direct violation of a court order.

He was given 14 days to take this [bleep] down

and he has not taken this [bleep] down.

'Yesterday was day 15.'

- 'Look at all that crap.' - Middle of summer.

Middle of summer, he's got all this garbage up.

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

I'm not... You don't beat my door down.

You're not dealing with a--

Out. Out.

In there.

Put your hand in there.

Put your hand in there [bleep].

Okay, this is what happens

when you with the Reno city council

do you understand me?

This is what happens. You get nutcracked.

You're lucky it's your hand in there.

Next, it's your nuts. You understand me?

Do you understand me? Do you understand me?

I had a very cumbersome year. A very cumbersome year.

And each one of these decorations

represents a moment in my life

that was very cumbersome this year, alright?

- So... - Crack him.

Okay, Alright! Alright!

Say "cumbersome" one more time [bleep].

Say "cumbersome" one more time to me.

- Cumbersome. - Cumbersome.

Stop lying!

And do not with the city council!

Look, I just told you. I just told you.

Why must you with them, Andrew?

'Cause I got nothing better to do.

There you got it.

I feel like that's the very first honesty

we've ever gotten out of this man.

- What's your problem, Andrew? - What is your problem?

We are out here every damn couple of weeks.

That's-that's just it.

You come, and you-you charge me with something.

Maybe you throw me in, maybe destroy something of my property

and then we just leave...

We don't, we don't talk.

We don't say things. You know.

We don't say, "Hey, what's going on with you?"

Just, "Andrew, you did this again!"

Maybe that's our fault. We haven't...

It's crazy. You just had my hand in a nutcracker.

We haven't made enough...

We haven't been open to you as a non-perpetrator

as just a person.

I respect that. I respect you've got to do your job, alright?

I'm not currently employed

so my job is to sort of mix the things up.

We don't need anybody in Reno to mix the things up.

We don't. Andrew, you sit down.

You made the wrong choice.

That's why you're in traffic school.

Rolling stop, DUI.

Whatever you did, it was wrong.

Today you can make the right choice.

You can either sit here for eight hours

take this traffic school course

or you can buy a ticket to the policemen's ball.

Huh? Huh?

Hmm?

I think I'd rather take the class.

Hey, boys. How you doing?

'How you doin'?'

- Good. - Great.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Nicely done.

- Oh! - The boot.

Oh, wow. What happened?

You got us this time, guys. Good job.

One for you so let's go ahead and take the boot off.

Aw, man, uh...

'You got the key?'

- I don't have a key. - I don't have a key, fellas.

Okay, mustache, what's it going to take to lose the boot?

Maybe if a certain pancake party

was moved to a certain...

Different day then maybe we could...

Just take the boot off. Come on.

This is not protecting or serving anyone.

Guys, we got to go. Let's go.

Lose the boot, seriously. Let's go.

'No, you have the key. I gave you the key.'

You didn't give the key to me. You have the key.

Girls, girls, let's go! The boot.

I'll be back in five minutes.

I can get the key. It'll take five minutes.

You know what? Fire doesn't wait five minutes.

- Let's go on foot! - Let's go!

You're Reno's pride! You're Reno's pride!

Let's go! Let's go!

We're [bleep] pathetic.

Nice joke.

We're regular Jay Lenos.

We're going to have a great time at our party

even if, even if worst-case scenario

only 300 people show up.

We're still going to have an amazing time at our party.

You know why?

'Cause I've been practicing my dance moves.

♪ Chicken lickin' ♪

♪ Mashed potaters ♪

I don't think that's what's...

I don't know.

Jones! What's going on?

Uh, it's a hostage situation.

I don't know what this fella's up to

'but he's getting real nervous'

'and we have to talk to him.'

Maybe you should give it a shot.

Okay. Hold on there, sir!

Hold on!

Sir!

Hold it right there, sir!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hold it right there, sir.

We're going. We have to get to this very important place.

- What place? - An important meeting.

'Are you on anything tonight? Are you on any...'

Did you take any drugs? Did you drink any alcohol?

- A little bit of ecstasy. - A little bit of ecstasy.

Why don't you hand those to me? Can I see those?

This is not mine. I cannot give...

- This is not mine. - Okay.

This is my grandfather's. His special medication.

See?

It's just... Little and tiny...

'Okay, why don't you... No more.'

Let's not take any more of those.

- I'm sorry. He's got... - Get the cuffs on him.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

- Freeze! Freeze! - Freeze!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

- No, No! - Stop it! Stop!

That's not important now.

- 'There you go.' - Thank you.

I see you're not a stranger to these, huh?

♪ In the biggest little city in the world ♪

♪ We dance in the biggest little city in the world ♪

Someone should go and get the pills...

Get your crazy ass up in the car.

Hey! Take me away spaceship...

'We'll see you at the station.'

- 'Where do you live?' - 'Where do you live, sir?'

Where do we take you, sir?

Maybe just...

The new cir-cir-circus.

Okay, yeah, that's on, it's on fourth and Virginia.

- Let's go circus-circus. - Alright.

'Shut the [bleep] up back there.'

Jesus Christ.

Last year I didn't go to the policemen's ball

because I had the flu...

...and I didn't have nobody to watch my kids

and Shanika couldn't do my hair.

Uh, I just had a lot of problems last year.

I didn't even go. Did you go?

Yeah, I took old Roy Beckhardt last year.

Roy works on my car.

Not my squad car, but my regular Datsun B-210.

He had a good time there.

He won a, he won a dinner

for two at Honeybaked Ham

on the wheel-of-fortune thing

and so now he's giving me good deals on fixing my car.

So I guess it all worked out.

'They've been cramped up forever down there.'

'Like pigs in poop. Couldn't be happier.'

- Show-offs! - Show-offs!

- Damn. - Damn.

'That's a dog.'

'That's a dog in there.'

- Not our department. - I think you're right.

What do you mean, not our department?

Their department, man. Not our department.

- 'Oh, hey, hey!' - 'No.'

- 'Travis, come here.' - 'Travis! Travis!'

Holy [bleep].

Are you kidding me? He's not trained for that.

- I didn't tell him to do that. - He just took off.

Last thing you want to do is send somebody else

into a burning building.

Now we have to go get him.

He's basically feeding the fire.

- I-I-I didn't send him, okay? - 'Nobody sent him.'

- That's suicide. - 'Travis!'

'Travis!'

Oh, my God!

- 'Way to go.' - How about that?

'That's how we do it!'

That's how we do it!

Good job, buddy.

That's the sheriff's department, baby.

Okay, Mark's out with the baby.

We got Mark out of the building. He's got the baby.

We're all clear.

Way to go on the dog.

- 'You're still a hero, man.' - You still a good dog.

Good dog.

- Hey, wait! - No! No!

'Oh, poop.'

They've got to be breaking the fire code.

Oh, no question.

If we could get past the bouncer, we could...

...do something about it.

I don't mean... any disrespect

but [bleep] firemen, you know?

I'll bet you that's what Clem is doing right now.

Floyd, you're a shoo-in for the raffle!

- 'Stop it on two.' - 'Number two.'

- 'He wins.' - 'Stop it on two.'

- 'That's forty-two.' - 'That's four.'

'Here.'

- 'Two!' - Two!

- 'Two!' - 'Two!'

- 'Floyd!' - You won a ski-doo, Floyd!

- 'He can't hear.' - 'Okay.'

- Does he understand me? - 'No.'

'He can't hear you at all, I don't think.'

You know what?

I got an idea.

How about we all just go home?

it. We lost.

Let's get out of here.

- 'I agree.' - 'No, no!'

Because that's exactly... No, no.

That's exactly what

those beautiful [bleep] oily

Mediterranean types up there

and their Dalmatian want us to do.

Do you understand me?

That's what we want us to do.

I-I also would like to go home, too.