Original subtitles

How's it feel, Garwood? It's breathable?

'Can you breathe from your diaphragm in it?'

- Yeah. They're cool. - Good. Cool.

Very exciting day for us, we got our brand new bulletproof vests

and, and, uh, they are 33% more bullet-resistant.

And they'll also stop a hollow-point bullet

so thank you for your tax dollars.

Fire in the hole!

- Nothin' - That was a little off.

- Nice shooting, Tex. - That was well off balance.

Well, it's beaner-proof.

I cannot believe you fellas beat us at the Alamo.

'Come here!'

'Who put the, uh, Osama bin Laden toilet paper'

'in the men's water closet?'

- 'Yeah?' - Yeah.

It's a little itchy but...

Yeah, it is itchy, but it is pretty funny.

Uh, we got a letter here from, the, uh, State Supreme Court.

You know that, uh, that, uh, giant 10 commandments

somebody put out on the front lawn out there?

- 'Yeah, it's nice.' - Yeah.

'Uh, well, we got to get it out of here like, immediately.'

State Supreme Court said it's a violation of church and state

pa-pa-pa, we're open to class-action lawsuits

boo, boo, boo.

Anyway, remove it immediately.

So let's do it.

'We have... We have to do it?'

Yes, we and by "we" I, of course mean...

...you, you know.

'Attention, Lieutenant Jim Dangle.'

'Please report to the front desk.'

'Your wife is here to see you.'

I heard that and thought it was a rumor. Ha!

- Sheriff's Department. - Sheriff's Department.

- Oh, no. Hell, no. No... - Hi.

You ain't got, you ain't got no business here.

You guys got no business here. Yeah, yeah.

- 'Uh, actually we do.' - What-what?

We saw an ad in the paper.

Yeah, so what? My ad? Mm-hm.

Look, I'm giving this... I give people pleasure, alright?

- You? - Yeah. I see it.

I see it. I put it in there. I paid for it.

- You need to have a permit. - Uh-uh.

- Okay? - See? What else am I...

- T-that's classic. - That's classic.

Ten thousand dollar pyramid. Things cops always say.

"Do you have a permit?" Ah! Now let me tell you something...

You don't even know if there's a bordello. Oh, hey!

This is my pleasure palace. You don't know what that means.

No, let me tell you something, "pleasure" means whatever.

I'm giving pleasure, if someone comes up to me and says...

"Hey! Would you like to sew something with me?"

Sure, if that gives you pleasure, come on by.

If I happen to be nude while we're doing it

that's my prerogative, 'cause you don't know me.

You don't know me, alright?

You wanna plant a tree for Arbor Day? Come on over.

That's pleasure. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter.

It's a pleasure palace. That's it. I'm giving out pleasure.

Is there any chance that by "pleasure"

you mean having sex with people for money?

- Well, of course! - Okay, thank you.

Oh, no, wait. No, no, look, look.

Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

Oh, reverse psychol...

Look, look, at least let me put on my own, my own cuffs.

- Look, I've done this before. - Oh.

- I get it. I get it. - I've done this before.

This is a man who know his handcuffs.

Small businessman, one, Reno cops, zero.

What are you gonna do now? Huh?

'This is justice.'

'Oh, look, look.'

'Hey, hey, the "keystone cops" called.'

They want their bit back.

Hi.

- Hi, Deb. - Hi. Hi.

- Hi. Hi. - Wow, long time, no see.

- I know. - Long time no see.

Long time no see.

- Look at you. - Yeah.

- Look at you. - Look at you. I know.

- Look at... Not me. - Did you, uh...

Yeah, did you get that gastric bypass surgery?

I did it. I had the gastric bypass.

- My God. - I know.

- Like 240 pounds. - I didn't really recognize you.

- Yeah. I know. - Well...

You look like something the old Deb would've eaten.

- You're right. - I'm joking.

You're right. You're right.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

What brings you about?

Well, you know, I...

This might be hard for you, Jim

but I met someone.

- Oh, you met a fella? - I met someone, Jim.

Mm-hmm. And we'd like to make it official.

- So, you want a divorce. - So we need to get a divorce.

- From me. Okay. - Yes. Yeah.

So when did you have in mind?

I was thinking maybe you could meet us tonight for dinner.

Tonight? Oh, okay. So, really jump on it? Okay.

Yeah, but if, but-but if you're upset about this

or you need to think it through a little bit more

because I certainly could think it through

with you or not, you know?

It's probably for the best, wouldn't you say?

- Yeah? Yeah. - Yeah. Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

'You might wanna wear pants tonight to the restaurant.'

Do you have to wear pants?

- Well, you might want to. - Long pants?

You don't have to wear a jacket

'but I know you love your shorts.'

I-I'm not your little Dapper Dan doll, okay?

I'm not your Dapper Dan doll, Deb.

- I'll see you there. - Your dapper?

- Huh? - Come on, don't start.

- Don't end like this. - Deb...

Damn it, Deb. Let's not fight!

- 'Here we are again!' - Boom!

I'll see you at the divorce, okay?

'Okay.'

It's kind of ironic though

how you and Jones never got married

and here's a gay guy getting married to a straight woman.

That's got to take the piss out of you.

Hmm.

- One, two, three! - Two, three!

- I can feel it moving. - Oh, my God!

Aah!

Go! Gah!

Can we make, like, a-a pushing chain?

- Aah! - Ow!

Ow!

Okay, okay.

Aah!

Why don't I kick with my legs and you guys push?

'You're just trying to show off your vagina'

'and that's not gonna help anything.'

I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to her.

I know who you were talking to.

'Yeah, it is kind of a...'

'Who's showing off their vagina?'

'Hold on. Okay, go.'

'Ow!'

- 'Ouch!' - Aah!

You're try... See if you can, if you can peel the word of God

off the ***damn thing

then we might be able to just get away with it sitting here.

Little baby! Mother [bleep]!

Yeah. Yeah. Do it, Jones!

Do it, Jones! You're gettin' it.

'Take it as a sign.'

The public is here now. The press is sure to follow.

'Oh, hell.'

'I don't go to your job and tell you you're goin' to hell.'

It is hard to imagine Dangle married since he's been

you know, so after me for so long.

It's sort of... I feel sorry for the poor woman.

You know, she has no idea how much

flirting he's been doing

and how, you know just blatantly

after my...

- After your what? - ...vagina. My vagina.

He's been for so many years.

Right.

- Hold on. Yo, yo, yo, yo! - Yo. Calm down.

Sheriff's Department! Sheriff's Department!

Calm down. Everybody calm down!

- Whoa! - Everything's good.

I'll be right back, and I'll take your statement.

Yeah. That's what we're here for.

- 'Yeah.' - 'We'll look out for you.'

- Thank you. - How you doing?

- Congratulations. - Well, hold on, hold on.

You go take his statement and I'll-I'll go talk to the girls.

- Okay? - 'I got a great idea.'

Why don't you take their statement and I'll go over here

and I'll-I'll get one of these girls into the car.

'I do that. That's what I do.'

'Come on, I'm a lonely, lonely man.'

'Just give me one, one shot.'

Go ahead.

- Go ahead. Do it. - Alright, alright, alright!

Alright, alright! Alright, alright!

Come on, come on. Let me wrestle you into the car.

Come on. Come...

***damn!

It was broke when he came in, it was broke when he came in!

Looks like we got a lady here who seems to be dragging

'some sort of appliance down the street.'

Sweetheart, you're gonna have to get some pants on, okay?

I got on... Right here.

- No, those aren't pants. - No, those aren't pants.

Those are on my body.

'Stop!'

Stop it right now!

Right now, goddamn it.

How about... Where do you live?

Do you want us to drive you home?

I ain't never coming out.

- Well, you're gonna have-- - I ain't never coming out!

- You're gonna have to, ma'am. - I'm not!

You're in the middle of the street, ma'am.

She's a kicker! She's a kicker!

You gonna behave?

Ow!

Come on, lady.

Do not spit.

Oh.

Oh, [bleep] ***damn it.

You're hurting me.

I'll bite you. I'll bite you back.

I'll bite your [bleep] off. I'll bite your [bleep] off.

- You're getting in the car! - No.

- You're getting in the car! - I don't want to.

Fine.

If she won't get in, we'll take her water heater.

'What?'

- Now we keep it. - Yup.

Now you lose. You like that?

You won't come with us, we take your water heater.

- 'No? No room.' - Have a nice day, ma'am.

- 'No.' - Sorry, all full up.

I wanna go.

- You're gonna get in? - I wanna go!

- You want to get in? - No.

- No? - I wanna take it with me!

'What? You want to come?'

'Come on. We'll let you in.'

'Come on. We'll let you in.'

- 'Let's go!' - 'Come on, let's go. Hurry up.'

I wanna go!

Go, go, go, go!

Oh, man.

How the hell is he gonna land?

I met my wife, uh, Debbie, back in my swing choir days.

We were in the swing choir. It was a real good time.

We'd do kind of... maybe it's called outside-type numbers.

And, uh, you know, we were young.

I was just been booted from the coast guard.

She was the heiress to a vacuum-cleaner fortune.

It... worked out good for everybody.

She was morbidly obese at the time, you know?

She was, uh, not long for this world certainly.

It seemed like, the way she could throw them hoagies back.

Saw your mama last week.

Mm-hmm, that's what she said.

Stopped by the home there.

She thinks the black nurses are stealing from her.

Okay.

- Gave her a sponge bath. - Mm-hmm.

I don't know why you insist on giving my mother a sponge bath.

Who else would do it? Who else would do it, Deb?

'The staff, Jim.'

Yeah, but they steal from her.

That's not a fact.

I brought these papers. Let's just get it over with.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

Let's do it.

I just want you to know the door is still open

'if you have a change of heart.'

- And it's just-- - 'It's for the best, honey.'

- 'Honey?' - I know, I know.

And you know what? I love, I love Leslie.

Life goes on.

- I love Leslie. - Life goes on.

Who's Leslie?

My fiance, Jim.

- I told you that. Yes - 'Oh, right, right.'

- Right. Uh... - Hi.

- Hi, how are you? - Oh, hi.

Okay, okay, okay.

So good to see you. You must be Jim.

- Yeah. - I've heard so much about you.

- I'm Leslie Frost. - Leslie Frost.

- How do you do? - Hi.

Do I know you? You own that little store.

The Bi-Curios, the collectibles store.

- 'Wonderful.' - Thank you.

I should come by. I'll come by and check it out.

In the division of property section here, Deb?

- Yes? - Uh, here's okay.

- Here's me. - Uh-huh.

- And there's, uh, Deborah. - That's me. Right.

Uh, there's all these things in your column here.

Right. Because I came into the marriage with those things.

Yeah. There's nothing in my column whatsoever.

That's because you came into the marriage with nothing, Jim.

Why don't you stick a burning stick in my eye?

Oh, honey, um... your lips. It's not as vibrant.

'They're disappearing into your face.'

'They're doing that thing they do.'

Yep.

'They do disappear into her face'

'when she doesn't outline them a little bit.'

She is a pistol.

- Oh, she's a wonderful woman. - Isn't she? She's terrific.

Especially now that she's, ahem, not morbidly obese.

Right, right. Mm.

'I-I can't wait for our wedding night'

let me tell you that, to have sex with her vagina.

She's a firecracker.

Okay, I'll pin him down. Yeah, that's him.

'That's him right there.'

- 'Put your hands up, sir!' - 'Hey!'

- 'Up against the car.' - 'Get up against the car!'

- 'Get up against the car.' - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I think we... ladies, ma'am, I-I don't mean to be disrespectful.

I think we have a misunderstanding.

We got a call about a hate crime.

Right, I called you. I-I placed the call.

Yeah, right, you called us so you could brag on what you did?

No, no. Look, look, lookee.

'See what they did? They put a giant S.'

They-they completely changed t-the look of it.

And i-i-it's, it's disrespecting myself.

'It's disrespecting people of my beliefs.'

'I-I can't believe someone would actually'

'come into this neighborhood'

and-and try and disrespect the culture.

You called us?

I absolutely did because someone

in this neighborhood is a-is a hatemonger.

Someone in this neighborhood is-is selecting out individuals

based on, I don't know, perhaps the color my skin perhaps

perhaps, you know, m-my personal beliefs and that's not right.

Let me talk to her for a second. You hold on.

I'm not taking any statement from this idiot.

I think he should find who did it

and, uh, buy them a gift certificate for something pretty

just to say "thank you."

Oh!

'Whoa!'

This is 1-Adam, Charlie-35.

'We need an ambulance here'

'at the "Ku Sux Klan" headquarters.'

'I'm sorry. I'm just reading the sign.'

This is gonna sound cold-hearted...

...but I don't mean it like that.

All I really want...

...to have happen...

...is for Deb to be as happy

as she could possibly be...

...not divorce me

and get hit by a train or something.

Something in which she wouldn't feel any pain

because part of me, still, is her friend

but I also don't have a 401-K plan of any kind.

Did I see you at a Halloween Party last year

and were you dressed like Truman Capote?

- Judice. - And were you talking to--

- Was it Judice? - Were you talking to a Mountie?

Yes.

A Mountie in shorts?

Not a big jump, but a great costume.

Jim, Mountie in shorts.

People thought I was Tom Wolfe that year.

Oh, my God, no. You were so obviously Truman Capote.

- No. - Oh, no, no.

- Tom Wolfe i-is much stripier. - It's a white suit.

Of course, it's a white suit and stripier and there's...

Sure, there's neckerchiefery involved sometimes.

Sure, sure. Haberdashery.

Right.

Hi.

Come on in, sit down.

'So we should look that over very quickly'

and then be on our way.

What's that, Deb, that right there?

The trailer, the mobile home.

- That's where I live, Deb. - Right, I bought it.

I put sweat equity into it, Deb.

I put sweat equity into it, Deb.

- That's a made-up word. - I don't even know it. Yeah.

- I don't even know-- - That's a made-up concept.

I am gonna go live...

...under a bridge

with frogs and toads.

Well, take a sleeping bag.

And occasionally, I will, once in a while

go wash your mother.

Thank you.

No, thank you, Deb.

You break my heart.

It was very nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you. Come by the store.

I'm there Tuesdays and Thursdays.

It's wonderful, you're right on the access road.

'Leslie!'

Stop by and see me under the bridge sometime, Deb!

- 'I will.' - No, I meant, I meant her.

Leslie, I'll see you.

'Sir, we got the EMT coming.'

Just hang tight, eat some Cheetos

and we'll be right back, okay?

My name is Corgameth, the demonic God of conquest.

- What is your real name? - Did I have...

Well, on this plane of... Guys, you don't see this.

'You're still in the sphere of darkness.'

'You don't see this happening.'

Talk to me. Talk to me.

On this plane of existence, I'm represented

as the Wizard Golgath.

That's the form he takes.

Sir, sir, why-why did you

why'd you hit your buddy with the, with the axe?

The axe was possessed by a demon

because someone was trying to use a wizard spell

two levels above his experience, and he knew that.

Yes, and that will cost you experience points.

- 'And, so the demon--' - Sir, sir, sir.

Everybody over here said that you were the one

who hit your friend with the axe.

Because they're chaotic evil, they would say that.

This is why I don't let you guys roll up Nubians.

'Because Nu... And you people are great.'

You have some wonderful attributes

'cause you see in the dark and you detect ghosts.

- Is you mother around here? - She left when I was three.

Listen, I'm immune to edge weapons

I'm immune to any kind of missile attack

I'm immune to any kind of wizard prismatic spray. Any kind...

- What about mace? - No! Oh! Oh!

- Are you immune to that? - Oh, crumb!

We got him.

Call it in. Tell them to get a cell ready for a demigod.

- 'Number four!' - '"We have really big busts."'

- Number three! - "Free donuts."

Number two!

"Pepper spray makes a good taco taste great."

'And the number-one reason it's great to be a cop!'

"Getting to drive around with a trunk full of drugs

and a backseat full of hookers!"

Good job, gang.

- Oh, man! - County's okay with this?

County's cool, the county's cool, supreme court's cool.

Not even God can mess with us now!

You hear that?

We're being sued by Worldwide Pants.

David Letterman's company.

- 'Too many lawyers, man.' - 'Too many lawyers.'

This is a grade A example.

Too many lawyers and not enough chefs.

- My car was stolen. - What happened, sir? Did you...

I parked the car, I went in to get a s-slushee

and I got a, a pack of cigarettes and I came back out.

I went in very quickly, like 10, 15 minutes tops.

- It doesn't take 15 minutes-- - Two minutes tops.

- Two minutes tops? - 'Twenty-five seconds tops.'

- Time me. - Alright. Go!

Ha! Come on, Clemmy!

I know this machine like the back of my hand.

Come on, baby! Come on, slushee!

- Go! - Come on, slushee.

- Keep the change. - Yeah.

Time!

- I left the keys in the car. - Yeah.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Hey, roomie? - Hm?

Why were these in the sink?

'Why are you asking me? They're not mine.'

No. Oh, my God, no, no.

Specifically, when with the influence of Drugon

- 'Oh.' - You know?

The thing is, the video wall that goes behind her

had not yet been installed.

So, Drugon was on a microphone

explaining what was going to eventually be behind her.

- 'Sir, stop.' - A gentle fall.

Stop, the Sheriff Department is ordering you

to stop blowing my mind.

- Do you work for the... - 'Yeah, the sheriff.'

- 'Here, look.' - Oh!

- 'Okay.' - 'Oh, my gosh!'