Original subtitles

We got a runner. Go!

Freeze, sir! Freeze!

Hey!

- 'I said freeze!' - 'Whoa!'

'I said freeze, ***dammit!'

- 'Ah.' - 'Freeze!'

'Yeah! That's your arm, buddy.'

- 'Oh!' - 'Stick time!'

- Yeah! - Whoo! Whoo. Whoo. Whoo.

- Freeze! - Freeze!

- We got a runner! - We got a runner!

'Come here!'

- Up! - Whoa.

Well, uh, good morning, gang.

Uh, as you all know, we are taking part

in the badges across the water program.

Today, we have our part of the exchange.

Uh, please welcome, all the way from jolly old England

Officer Martin Smiley.

- Oh, please. - Please, please, say hello. Go.

Well, uh, as your-your boss said here, I'm, uh, Martin Smiley.

I'm from Gloucester Terrace

uh, precinct there, as you would call it.

And, uh... Oh.

As a, a bit of a welcoming gift

I've-I've brought you, uh, Connor, the constable.

And as a personal token of my own appreciation

I, uh, I brought you all a, a tin of biscuits.

- If you would. - Oh.

Oh!

'Thank you very much.'

- 'Those are cookies.' - 'Yeah.'

We call these cookies here in Reno.

Oh. I'm sorry. Yeah, uh, yeah...

Uh, take the lift to the flat and eat your chips.

What kind of gun do you carry?

Oh, we don't carry guns.

I think that would be one of the biggest differences

between the two police forces, as it were. And, uh...

- Yeah, we carry a whistle. - 'A whistle?'

- And that stops crime? - 'It does.'

Do you guys have crack whores in England?

We call them crack wenches.

'A crack wench?'

So, uh, Inspector Smiley will be, uh, spending the day

uh, with one of our deputies here.

- Oh, me! - Patrol and, uh...

Pick whoever you want. Pick anybody.

I'll go with this lovely young lady right here.

'That sounds, that sounds fine.'

Okay. No. Pick again.

- 'Anyone else. Really.' - 'Uh...'

I don't know, uh, h-how about the bloke

'with the, uh, caterpillar over the old chin there?'

- 'Jim Garcia.' - Uh...

Sure. Absolutely. Wonderful. Sure.

- Yeah. - 'Thank you.'

So just take him around and, uh...

- Show you the ropes. - 'Yeah.'

Not all the ropes. Don't need to go to Cracktown. Yeah.

We'll take it easy on you, fella.

Oh. Thank you very much. Thank you so much.

'Nice and easy. Nice and easy.'

'Cheerio.'

Today we are cracking down

on the massage parlors here in Reno.

We are sending in our very own Travis Jr. undercover

with these high-tech glasses, which have a very small camera.

He will infiltrate the massage parlor

try to get them to perform the sex act on him

'and then we will swoop in and start makin' arrests.'

- Okay. He's in. He's in. - Ooh. Ooh.

Hi. You want a massage?

You want, uh, long time, short time?

'Uh, the full, everything you've got.'

'Uh, on the menu, off the menu...'

- I give you everything. - 'Everything. Alright.'

- Come this way. - 'Okay. What do we do here?'

'This is my first time in one of these places.'

First you have to take off your clothes.

- Okay. - 'Thank you.'

- I like your belt buckle. - 'Yeah. That was my daddy's.'

- It's so nice and shiny. - 'Thank you.'

You have to take off your glasses.

- 'Oh, I'm not supposed...' - I take off for you.

- 'Ok-okay. Oh. Okay, well--' - I take off for you.

- Is that the glasses? - Oh, oh, oh. Oh, no.

- I put glasses your down here. - Yeah.

- Yeah. You look cute. - I'm very careful.

Go right to the super deluxe.

Now, I don't know if there's some kind of special code

I'm supposed to say.

No, no, no. You get whole package.

- That's all. - Oh. Ow! Aah! Okay!

Oh, God! What the

- Is it, is it too hard? - Ah. Ow. OW.

- Is it too hard? - Oh. That's great.

- Okay. - That's... Aah! Thank you!

- Oh. It feels so good. - Ow! Ow!

- Ow! Oh, God! - Okay. I now get some lotion.

- Oh, ow! - Oh, good. Thank you.

Here you go. Just put that right there.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay, okay.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

- Aah! - Ow! Okay, okay.

Whee! It's so much fun!

- Is good? - It's great.

And now, happy ending.

- Okay. - All better?

- It's more relaxing? - Yeah. It's more relaxing

- That's great. Okay. Ah! - Okay.

- Aah! - Oh. Ow.

- That's better, right? - Oh.

That's so much better.

So I'm supposed to get on my side, or...

No. You just go on the floor. That's good. Okay.

Is she dancing? She's dancing on him.

- 'She's not dancing.' - She's dancing on him.

- Aah! - 'Get off me! Get off me!'

- 'Get off me! Ah! Damn!' - Aah!

You know, there's more.

No, I don't want any more. I don't want any more.

- Okay. - I don't want any more.

- Just one... - Oh, no!

Just leave me alone! Leave me alone.

It's such a pleasure to hear on you!

Oh, come on. Let's get him.

'Travis!'

Frank, Lisa.

Yeah, I don't think the cops will be here again anytime soon.

Inspector Smiley...

...makes us smiley.

- I think he's amazing. - We love him.

- So cute. - He's so cute.

I'd never had an imaginary friend when I was a kid

but if I did, Inspector Smiley would be my imaginary friend.

He's that cool.

You like, you like your job? You...

- Oh, yeah. I love my job. - Doing what you do, don't you?

I love my job, I love, I love carryin' real guns

with real bullets.

Of course, you wouldn't know what that's about.

You guys are carrying them slingshots around

with little rubber pellets.

Yeah. That's right, isn't it?

I guess them criminals, if they want to

they could just pretty much take over.

I feel sorry for you guys.

Well, we-we keep them pretty much in line, you know.

- And, uh... - Oh, yeah?

Well, the, uh...

Do you say "Excuse me, uh, top of the morning to you

"but, uh, I do believe you are breaking the law

and that is making the queen mad?"

- And then they just run scared. - Yeah, something like that.

Yeah.

Got us a little speeder.

Well, constable, why don't you just sit tight right here?

We're gonna show you how we do things in Reno, Nevada.

Alright.

You, uh, don't need any help?

No. I'll be good.

You sit back here and watch it happen.

Alright, well, uh, actually, I feel a bit naked, you know.

Uh, you've got the gun and the club and, uh...

Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you hold this flashlight?

You shine it on him if he gets out of control.

- Okay? - Alright, will do.

Okay.

How you doing today, sir?

'Uh, is there a problem, sir?'

Is there a problem? Yeah.

Uh, where's the fire?

'Was... I was... Was I speeding?'

You get out of that car right now. Get down.

- Who the [bleep] is this guy? - Well, he's a--

Get the hell out of that car!

- Get out of that the car! - Oh, no! God!

- Get out of the car! - Ah!

- Oh. - Aah! Aah!

Come on. Get out! Get out!

You speeding bastard!

You bastard speeder!

Give us your wallet. Let's go.

Give us your wallet.

Okay. You have a good day now, right?

- Thank you. - Yeah, you're welcome.

You're welcome!

Well done. That's a nice flashlight you got there.

- Yeah. - I like the weight of it.

Yeah. Okay.

You have the right to remain silent, if you give up the right

to remain silent, anything you say can and will be...

I recognize you, sir. I recognize you, officer.

You're that guy from "Reno 911!" both of y'all.

No, he isn't.

You have the right to an attorney.

- Sir? - 'No, he isn't.'

We have no say in what they put on that program that they shoot.

We have no say in what these guys do, sir.

You make me respect police officers.

You remember the time when you tried

to stop that gay man with the pretty legs?

- He was roller-skating. - Terry.

- 'Yeah, that's-that's Terry.' - Remember that?

- That was good. - He was really on drugs.

They just, they cut out the part where he was really on drugs.

They didn't use that. These guys, these guys...

We don't get a vote at all on what they put on.

You should let these officers put on whatever they want to

like that time, like that time when he helped him move

just cut behind down the street.

He was like, "I thought you was gonna move further."

He was like "No, I just moved down the street."

Then you were drinking them margaritas and rum drinks.

- Y'all remember that? - Okay.

You understand your rights that were read to you?

I understand my rights, officer

and it's a pleasure to be arrested by you.

Thank you, you understand that what they put on the show

we don't get to vote on, they just use whatever--

I understand that you've been unjustly treated

by the producers of "Reno 911!"

The thing is that you can't jerk *** in the elevators.

You can't be jerkin' ♪ in the elevator here anymore.

That I don't understand so good.

Well, that's why you're going to jail, okay?

Alright. Alright.

Officer Smiley is about the nicest fellow

I have ever seen or met.

He's just... cute and classy.

It's like, you know

if James Bond was dressed up like a teddy bear.

I realize I, I, uh, you know

overstepped my bounds in terms of...

You were, you were leading the arrest

or the speeding ticket and all.

And I-I just want you to know that from now on

w-whatever you say goes.

I mean, I'm on the straight and narrow.

'I've got a particular, you know, uh, fire, I guess'

for the speed, for the speed, for the speeder.

- 'Thank you very much.' - 'Money.'

- It's eighteen. - Eighteen?

It's usually $15, but I threw in that extra.

Oh, that was nice of you.

- Welcome to America. - Oh, thank you.

Yeah, appreciate that.

Oh, man. Oh.

Look at him.

- 'Hello.' - 'Reno Sheriff Department.'

- The who? - Reno Sheriff's Department.

Oh, come on, I guess you white folks

just harass black folks.

I'm not doing nothing, but standing out here

trying to make a living.

Sir, sir, we-we're black folk.

- Black? - We're-we're black.

Prove it. Prove it. Let me hear you say "Sweet potato."

"Sweet potato."

"Sweet potato."

You do sound a little white.

Let me hear you say "Brother."

- "Brother." - Go ahead!

Right.

What are you doing with this white partner?

- "Brother." - No, he...

What are you doing with this redneck?

We didn't-we didn't come to give you any money, but we came

'to help you get your pants up, your pants are down.'

My pants? What do you mean pan...

I put my pants on when I left home this morning.

- My pants is on. - Yeah, but they're down.

No, they're down right now. Well, they're down right now.

That's what that breeze is I was feeling.

You're exposing yourself, that's against the law.

And there ain't a whole lot to expose, okay?

So, so keep them up, alright?

Call me small.

When I go pee, I've gotta sit down on the commode

'cause the doctor told me don't lift nothing heavy

'cause my back went out.

You gonna call me small.

He put it on you with that one, Jonesy.

So y'all just go ahead and arrest some criminals.

You didn't put money in my cup, did you?

No, I didn't, sir.

I'll give her a dollar to loan you, okay?

- I'll loan you a dollar. - No, her a dollar.

I ain't paying no money back.

Learn how to say "Sweet potato."

'Watch the poop! Watch the poop! Watch the poop!'

- Blind? - You know I'm black, right?

You know I'm black.

Can I, can I make my phone call?

Do I have rights? Can I make my phone call?

- Who are you gonna call? - Huh?

- 'Who are you gonna call?' - Your mama.

Alright, get your ass in the car.

- Okay, but that was funny. - No, it wasn't.

'You know nothing about my mom.'

'He didn't say "Your mother."

- 'He said "Your mama."' - 'Your mama!'

Whenever I hear Inspector Smiley

I think of Mary Poppins.

'Cause why?

'Cause of the way he talks.

Oi!

Yeah, he needs to talk to you!

Get your fat arse over here so he can talk to you!

No, don't give me that!

Get out of your wheelchair and get over here!

Uh, we just got these new bomb-dog cameras from Carson.

What they do is, uh, they get you a real good shot of the bomb

from far away so you can make your tactical decisions

without getting up close.

Good dog. How's it doing? Testing.

One, two, one, two.

Go, go. Go try it out, boy.

Oh, man.

- Here's our... - There you go.

- ...patient. - Hello.

- Yeah. Hi. - Yeah.

Hi, there.

- 'How are we feeling?' - 'Hi.'

- It's okay. - It's okay.

- It's okay. - Is this the right bed?

Yeah, it's the right bed.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi, we brought a friend to say hi.

Hello. I'm a friend here to say hi!

Gentle like a little, tiny, little bird.

Gentle with the puppy.

Like you're holding a little bird.

- Yeah, just pet real nice. - 'Pat nice like a little bird.'

That's good...

'Isn't it nice to have a bird friend?'

- Hey, uh... - No! No! No! No! No! No.

- No, we don't. - Oh, my God!

We don't try to eat the dog.

- No, we don't. - Okay? Be nice...

You can touch the doggy now, but you have to be nice.

Now, we're just gonna pet real gentle.

Just like friends.

We're gonna pet it just like a little

'like a little bird, Faberge Egg or something that's--'

- No, no, no, no! - No! No! No! No!

- Stop it! - No! No! No!

I smacked him a little bit.

- I just smacked him. - No. Dog's not food.

Dog's not food. Dog's not food.

- Dog's not food. - Dog's not food.

- Okay, easy with the... Stop! - Oh, my God.

- Okay. I'm backing off. - What do I do? I'm gonna...

- I smacked him again. - Okay. Okay.

I smacked him a little bit.

I'm going to go throw up.

I really actually don't feel that bad about shooting him.

- No, I wouldn't. - No.

He came at me with a chocolate bar

about two and a half weeks ago.

- Oh, he deserved it. - It was kind of dark.

Every time we shoot a guy, you gotta come visit him

and wish him well.

It's a shame he's alive, really

'cause he wasn't that great a guy before.

No. He was a bit of a son of a bitch.

Smiley reminds me of a friend of Mary Poppins

not Dick, the Chimney Sweep

but some other friend of Mary Poppins

that we never met who's a wonderful bobby.

And he takes them to a ice-skating rink

under the, the, the tube.

That's funny because Smiley reminds me

of... someone from Mary Poppins

someone who, for instance

comes riding in on some sort of jalopy.

And he has whipped ices for everyone, and he says

"Come on, everyone, I have whipped ices."

And then, when they get close enough to him

he grabs them and rapes the [bleep] out of them

and then he tosses them in the backseat

and then off he goes, and then...

"Chip, chip, cheerio!"

Right. Uh, that's it, right?

That checks out. That's the address, isn't it?

- Uh, yeah. Okay. - Yeah, that's it.

Call that in.

Yeah, Reno, this is 11 Charlie 50...

No need for that.

Uh, while we're at it, uh

why don't you give us your gun?

Oh, uh, well, these are sort of issued.

I'll be alright.

No worries. Be right back out.

- Okay. - You watch the car.

- Okay. - Alright.

I'll watch the car then.

'Hold on, everybody, on the ground!'

'This is a robbery!'

Don't want any of you out!

Oh, sweet Lord!

Oh, my God! Dear sweet Lord.

- Here. Here. - What the heck...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Alright, we were never here.

We were never here.

But just in case, let's get out story straight.

Some Mexican drug cartel in there.

- Okay. - Cocaine deal gone bad.

- I-I stopped it. - Okay.

They were thinking about starting

a, a whole white slavery trade

and there's hundred thousand dollars

hundred thousand dollars cash in there.

Oh! But it's all good now.

- Alright. - I've done my job.

Yeah, you did. Come on, hang on, Marty.

Come on, hang on, Marty.

'Hi, Craig.'

I can't hear you.

I can't hear you in the phone.

I can't... Can you hear me?

I can't hear him through the thing.

Two words. One... First word.

First word.

Fishing.

Fish. Fish.

Trout. Bass.

'Bass. Bass.'

Second word.

Sounds like, sounds like...

Sounds like "Peel." Sounds like "Tape."

Sounds... Tape!

Tape, taping, tape...

Throw.

'Bass... taping.'

Bass-taping.

Somebody's been bass-taping you?

Have you been bass-taped?

I don't know bass-taping.

♪ God save ♪

♪ Our noble queen ♪

♪ God save ♪

♪ Our gracious queen ♪

♪ God save the queen ♪

♪ Pilgrims' pride ♪

♪ From every ♪

♪ Mountainside ♪

♪ God save the queen ♪

"Reno Sheriff's Department Deputy James Garcia

busts drug ring, recovers $97,000."

Yeah.

He was a good cop.

I'm gonna miss him.

I'm gonna miss you, Marty.

I'll buy you a drink.

I'll buy you a scone.