Original subtitles

Guys?

Oh, God.

Oh!

Are you Kenny Rogers?

Yeah.

Am I dreaming this, or are you dreaming this?

Did that hurt?

- Not really, no. - Oh, God.

Oh, God.

- 'What's wrong with you?' - Shh.

Are you having that gay-ass

Kenny Rogers dream again?

What Kenny Rogers dream? I wasn't...

The one you have all the time.

I-I wasn't dreaming about Kenny Rogers.

I don't know what the hell...

'James.'

Get some help.

'You see that game last night?'

- 'Oh, yeah.' - 'Yes!'

Reno Lady Wolfpack.

- Kicking ass. - Made it to the finals.

- Beat Sacramento. - Going to the finals.

They're getting points on the transition

on the fast break, I like that, man.

I've been trying to buy tickets to that game

this Friday for two weeks.

Man, it's been sold out.

Who's your guys' best friend in the world?

- 'Santa Claus?' - 'Yeah, that's what I was go--'

Nope, Jones is your best friend

'cause guess who's got tickets...

We're going. We're all going.

'University, Nevada Arena.'

To Jonesy!

- Hey! - Whoo! Whoo!

- Hello, gang. - 'Good morning.'

- Good morning indeed! - Good morning.

- 'Very good morning indeed.' - Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

- Guess what. - What?

I've been promoted.

- 'Really?' - I'm going up to Carson City.

- Hey. - I'm going to Carson City.

Nevada State Police Director of Public Relations

Jim Dangle!

Dangle, good for you.

- 'You go, girl!' - Yeah, I'm goin', girl.

Oh!

Um, and I thought, I don't know, uh

I thought I made some reservations

when I got the fax and I thought, uh, maybe

we could have a little farewell dinner for me

Friday night at Dan Swanky's at 8:00.

'And I look forward to seeing you there'

'and I'm gonna miss you all a whole'

'burlap bag full of missing-you, so...'

I think Saturday is a great day

for Dan Swanky's.

What part of I made reservation

at Dan Swanky's didn't I make clear?

I mean, I made a reservation.

Sir, I-I got us all tickets

to, um, the Lady Wolfpack.

There's a, there's a final conference game.

'And this doesn't happen very often, sir--'

It's mandatory.

- It's mandatory. How's that? - I just, I-I, sir, I just did--

Are we talking about the Lady Wolfpack still?

'I...'

- Could we wait-- - 'Wait. Shh.'

'You know what's flying in?'

Oh, a period

to your [bleep] sentence

about the Lady Wolfpack just, just arrived.

If anyone deserves this promotion, it's Jim.

As hard as it is for me to say

you know, I don't want him to leave, but he deserves it.

You know, there are women who prance around

in these flitty, flirty little short skirts

and show their legs

and they get promoted, you know, day two.

Poor Jim has been here a long time

in those plum smugglers

and he's about due.

We, uh, we just got a call about a prowler

here at the, the Gold Rush Trailer Park.

- 'So we're gonna check it out.' - 'There's our man.'

How we doing tonight, sir?

- How y'all boys doing? - 'We're doing fine.'

'We're doing just fine.'

'Why don't you come out from the water heater there?'

'Oh, [bleep].'

Whoo!

- 'Holy Lord.' - 'Very funny, sir.'

Step out from the water heater and let's...

- 'Hey! Ho! Hey!' - 'Hey!'

- 'Hold on!' - 'Hey!'

- Whoo! - You son of a bitch!

- It's on now! - 'Okay.'

- Son of a bitch! - Reno, Reno.

I'm gonna kick your ass, you little trailer monkey!

'Cambridge 32. I'm at Gold Rush trailer park.'

'I think I'm gonna need assistance.'

Hey! Ho!

- Whoo! - 'Come here!'

- 'Get him.' - 'I got him.'

I got him!

- Whoa, he's coming back to-- - Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

- Go! [bleep]. - 'Go! Go, Garcia, go!'

'Oh, oh!'

I tried to pop a wheelie. I couldn't.

Well...

...it's my last couple days

here in the fair city of Reno, Nevada.

Trudy Wiegel's always kinda carried a torch for me

so I, uh, thought I'd come by

and... give her a little...

...charity sugar.

Gonna be the thrill of her life.

Sheriff's department.

Why, hello, miss.

Hi, Jim.

What the heck is going on?

Sheriff's department.

Look at you, you little

you cute little thing, you look as pretty as a picture.

Did you know I was coming by or something?

- No. I-- - Those are for the lovely lady.

Thank you!

- Oh, my gosh. I'm just-- - Can, can I come inside?

Well, um, yeah.

- I mean, you can-- - Just...

You know, I'll be going down to Carson.

- And, uh... - Yeah.

We won't ever see each other again.

You're here in your

little pashmina, and your little--

- It's actually just a towel-- - A little towel.

It's just Velcro.

Just rip it right off, and all of a sudden, I'm naked!

Yeah, rips right off there, doesn't it?

Oh, God. You know what?

This is actually not a great time.

Trudy! What's going on? Who is this?

- Thank you for the flowers-- - Okay. Okay.

'Okay.'

I don't care.

I don't [bleep] care.

I'm real excited about going

to Dangle's retirement dinner tonight.

Even though the, uh, Lady Wolfpack's

playing the western conference championship.

Seen one basketball game...

- You seen 'em all! - Seen 'em all.

Gonna have pizza with friends.

I burned a CD that they're gonna play at Dan Swanky's.

They said they'd turn down the sports and put on the CD I made.

It's pretty fun, it's got some Cyndi Lauper

and some "Wham!" and...

Cyndi Lauper's still alive?

Packing up a few loose ends.

Just gonna look for a, uh

new bicycle for Carson City.

Something, you know

a little flashy but within my price range.

Hello.

Hello, "Click and Bid."

'"Racing frame, titanium."'

'"Official Reno Sheriff's Department bike."'

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

That's my bike.

You did it now...

"Ice-cat77."

It's the right place.

This is the place.

Oh, hello.

'There she blows.'

I come about my bicycle

you son of a bitch!

Probably pissing his pants right now.

Oh, [bleep].

God! No!

Never actually kicked a lock off...

- 'Dangle?' - Hey.

'Travis.'

- 'Oh.' - God damn, boy.

What are you doing? Just shooting trailers or what?

I heard you out here shootin'.

I thought you were one of 'em Cooper boys.

I didn't recognize this being your place.

Yeah, I, I redid it, I painted it up

and I got the new wires up for--

You used to have those

the big tapestry of the skeleton

'giving the other skeleton, uh'

like, uh, oral sex over there.

- Yeah, up against the drum. - It said "Get a job."

One of these damn rednecks took it.

They, they ain't too cold.

- Refrigerator's on the fritz. - Thanks.

I should probably hit it.

Hey, you wouldn't wanna buy this bike, would you?

'Eighty five dollars.'

No, I'm alright. I don't need a bike any--

They'll probably give you one in Carson City, won't they?

Yeah, well, Dangle finally got promoted, I guess.

My grandma used to say, "Some turds float to the top

"and some sink to the bottom

but at the end, they all get flushed."

Yep. Some you gotta flush twice.

- Yeah. - Get 'em down.

Especially with them, uh

new minimum-flow toilets they got.

Yeah.

Dangle is definitely a double-flusher.

I guess that's a compliment in its way.

I think so.

'How's it going, sir?'

No-not, not too good.

It's my, my dog.

'The vet says he's got cancer'

and he doesn't have long to live

and this morning, he...

He's just suffering a lot

and I-I don't know what to do about it.

I-I, I just didn't know who to call.

Sir, why don't you just call animal control?

Well, I-I did, but...

I can't afford the fee

that it would cost to put him down.

And then the burial fees and, and handling

and I-I just can't afford it.

Alright. Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come here. Alright.

Alright, alright.

'Okay, buddy.'

I had a dog myself when I was young.

- Yeah? - Toby.

And I had to, I had to put him down.

So, uh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna put him down for you, sir.

Thank you.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing? How you...

Thanks.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Thank you very much. I-I appreciate it.

Hey! You get off of my property!

- 'I'm not on your property!' - Whoa! Whoa!

- Calm down, ma'am. - What happened?

I warned you to keep him out of my freakin' yard!

- You kill my dog? - No.

- You kill my dog! - No, I did not, ma'am.

- Why? - I'm gonna go start the car.

- Why you kill my dog? - No, he ran down the street--

We-we're gonna get him. He went down...

- 'Come on out, sir!' - 'God!'

Sir! Sir, come on out!

- Jump down here, sir! - Come on, sir!

- Is he a cripple? - He's a cripple.

- Here, here, make a human-- - 'No, no, no, no.'

Th-there's a trampoline in the backyard.

'Oh, come on. There's a trampoline!'

- Trampoline in the backyard! - Let's go.

Hold on, okay?

'Okay. Here they come right now, okay?'

You gotta do it now, sir! Right now!

'Come on, sir. You gotta do it now.'

- 'Jump!' - 'Come on, jump!'

- Oh! - .

Son of a bitch.

- Let's just put it back. - Put it back.

- Go, go, go! - Hut, hut, hut!

Watch the pole! Watch the pole!

Watch out the pole, Wiegel.

'Here we go, Wolfpack, here we go.'

'I'm the Taiwanese girl. Whoa!'

'Check it out, check it out.'

- Whoa! - For three!

Yeah!

You guys aren't going to the game, are you?

- No. - No.

Okay.

Hey. Do you think it's okay to leave the baby in the car?

Of course, the window's cracked open.

Hold it right there, people.

It's never, ever okay

to leave a baby in the car.

But we're only going in for a couple of beers.

Let's pretend for a second

that your baby is a stereo system.

I don't follow you.

I can't play cassettes in a baby.

What I mean is you wouldn't leave

your valuable hi-fi stereo in a car, would you?

No way. Somebody would steal it.

Exactly.

A healthy baby is worth

$10,000 to $20,000 on the internet.

Even if he's Chinese.

Wow. That makes a lot of sense.

Dollars and cents.

This is Deputy Raineesha Williams

keepin' it real.

Real safe.

Alright, children, we've a very special guest

from the Reno Sheriff's department.

Here's Officer Rudy Tooty Trudy!

Hey, kids!

No! I-It's not loaded! It's not loaded...

'I'm just gonna put it down.'

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

- Okay. - Whoo!

How about a toast?

- Yeah! - Toast!

- How about a toast? - To the pizza!

- Yes! - Hear! Hear!

To the pizza!

- 'To the pizza!' - I'm sorry.

Anybody else, anybody else, anybody else give two seconds

of [bleep] thought to this, or...

Wow. Okay.

I was supposed to place all these people's bets.

- 'Should I go?' - To be honest with you.

- I'd like to go home. - Okay.

Perfect. I wrote a little something.

It was about my mother's suicide, and my time--

I gotta, I gotta use the restroom.

'Okay, okay. That's fine.'

'I'm almost, I'm almost done.'

Happy birthday.

"I was, I was born in Arkansas in the year 19--"

'Hey, now, get the rebound! Get the rebound'

"Dad sold Bibles from door to door.

"I was about seven when we found out

"that dad had another family in Chicago.

"I've never met my half-siblings Erique, Tanya, and Russell.

But we e-mail once in a while."

That's what I'm talking about!

'"Dad went..."'

'White girls can jump! Whoo!'

'Did you hear what Garcia said?'

You know what? Dismissed, gang. Go watch the game. It's alright.

- Are you sure? - Yeah. Go watch the game.

- You sure? - Yeah. Yeah

- Go watch the game. - See you Monday.

'Bye, you guys.'

- You look so sad. - Oh, no. I'm fine.

I'm good.

♪ Carson City ♪

Dangle, I just wanted you to know that, um

I haven't forgotten that, um...

...you owe me $185, and, uh...

From what?

'The tanning membership'

'that we were gonna go halvsies on.'

Oh.

Yep. Yep.

- Could you do me a solid? - Mm-hmm.

Uh, don't cash this right away, okay?

- We've all been there. - Okay.

Hey, there's Jonesy in the stands!

He's got his wig on, you guys! Look at him!

'Jonesy! Yeah.'

If someone from the force is gonna be promoted to lieutenant

it will be one of the minority officers

because of affirmative action.

Myself not inclusive in that

even though I've been on the force for 15 years.

Hey, hey, hey. You're Mexican.

Well, on the pecking order

it goes coloreds, Mexicans, Irish.

You know who should be lieutenant?

Who?

No. That's not gonna happen.

I know it's not going to, but it should.

No.

Why?

Because if you were president

then... you'd probably--

You're gonna to say something racist, aren't you?

You're gonna say something racist right now

and I-I'm gonna stop it.

No, actually, I was going to say something in French.

Now you don't get to hear it.

You wanna hear it anyway?

Yeah.

Au bon pain.

That's what a robot would say if he wanted bread.

What?

Hi, gang.

'Good morning.'

'Aren't you supposed to be somewhere else?'

- What are you-- - 'Surprise, surprise.'

My mistake. I, uh, I kinda skimmed the letter.

It said, "Promotion," "Carson City," yadda-yadda

I didn't read the second page of the fax.

It was somebody else's promotion.

I was in charge of parking area C.

Uh, it was actually weird.

'A lot of people really did wanna park'

right up next to the building for the promotion of this guy

and so I really had to lay down the law a couple times and say

"Hey, you know, the shuttle's here for a reason."

Hey, everybody, look, this doughnut

kind of looks like a shrimp.

I think I speak for all of us when I say that

we're glad that you're back... I guess.

And I apologize for not being at the...

Well, that was a very hip-hop apology.

It's like, like, "You gotta accept my apology

'cause I'm street." You see how you did that?

- I apologize and I'm sorry. - 'Okay.'

Is that white enough there?

How, how was that apology?

Was that, um, not hip-hop enough?