Original subtitles

We got a couple of trespassers here.

- Yeah. - There they are.

'Well, time to chase them away.'

What the hell are you two doin' out here, huh?

What the hell are you kids doin' out here, it's too late!

'My partner asked you a question.'

We have no problem taking your little asses to jail.

- You wanna go to jail? - Do you wanna go to jail?

'Or you want to go to juvie? Hmm. Ha?'

Why don't we call your parents?

We'll call your your parents, right now.

...folks, right now.

Alright? Okay? Listen up, okay.

Okay, we got a bigger group of y'all...

Listen up, now, y'all just clear on out of here, okay?

Just... Please, just go home, okay, guys?

Please, seriously, just... Just please go home.

Alright, you know what, my partner

'will count to three, okay?'

- I'll do it. - And you'd better be gone.

- I'll do it, I'll count. - 'He will count.'

- One... - Two...

'Aah! You son of a ***! You son of a ***!'

'Mother ***...'

We need backup! We're bein' egged!

Aah! ***! Aah!

Son of a bitch!

- Go, go, go, go! - Ah!

- 'Son of a ***!' - Goddammit!

Aah, my ankle!

My ankle! Just go without me!

I will not go without you! You ***!

'Go, go, go, go!'

- Son of a bitch! - 'A-ah!'

'Stay down! Stay down! Stay down!'

Son of a bitch!

Get off!

Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h!

Hey, dog. Yeah.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

'Good evening, I'm Sheriff Walter Chechokevich.'

'I'd like to tell you about'

'a evenin' about old ten years ago.'

It was Halloween eve.

I'd been on the force about 10 years.

And I got the dreaded call...

Domestic disturbance.

- And to make matters worse... - 'Did he?'

That call...

...was the Dalton House.

- Ooh. - 'Daily Dee.'

As I made my way toward that front gate

'I turned, and I saw that Grandma Dalton'

'was comin' down with that hatchet that she was carryin'.'

And I raised my arm to defend myself.

Now, please I don't wanna see any of you

lose your hand this Halloween evenin'.

Or any other appendage, for that matter.

'Trust no one...'

'Not your fellow officer tonight...'

'...not your wife, not your husband...'

'...not even little kiddie.'

Now, get on out there and protect that community!

That's really how he lost his hand?

He didn't lose his hand

you could see his fingers through his thing.

'Sheriff, check your shorts.'

He's... He's, he's goofin'.

You don't remember last year when he came in and he...

'He had a peg leg.'

- 'Oh.' - Oh, right, right, right, yeah.

Why are you wearing that?

Because once again I was told by each and every one of you

that you were coming to work in costume today

and, once again, like the last eight years

I show up optimistically in a costume

and I'm the only one wearing one, so...

'This uniform is a costume.'

'No, it's very funny. it's very funny.'

Guys, w-we all, we all joke around, but, but, seriously

the Sheriff is... He's a crazy old man

but he's absolutely right, Halloween's an awful night

so watch your ass, seriously, people.

Hey, T.T.

- What's goin' on? - What's the matter now, T.T.?

- 'Whoa. Calm down!' - Slow your roll, lady. Alright?

Wanna tell you, wanna tell you somethin'.

Halloween ain't no joke, huh?

- "Halloween ain't no joke." - Halloween ain't no joke!

- 'Whoa!' - 'T.T., no!'

'T.T., you made a killin' tonight.'

No, you got a lot of candy here.

- Hey, hey, I know you. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, you know me. - Hey, how you doin', brother?

Yeah, I'm good, I'm good. I'm very good.

- Who that white boy you with? - This is Garcia, you know him.

- You know him? - I don't know you.

Yeah, you want a profile? Profile... profile, that's me.

No! Hey! Hey!

- Whoa... whoa, you-- - 'No, no, no. No, T.T.

'You better stop it. Stop it, T.T.'

Come on, sweetheart. Come on, baby.

Nah-ah, no

No, she tryin' to hump me now, man, no, ahh.

- Please. - No, okay, you know what...

Look, why don't, why don't... Let's go to the car, okay?

- T.T., let's take this... - I got, I got her, I got her.

- Mmm. - Uh-huh.

- T.T... Can you get... - 'No.'

- T.T., no, T.T. - Boy, I feel like I'm rich.

We got white people drivin' us around.

- Yeah. Yeah. - You know what I'm sayin'?

- Like, he's no good. - Mm-hmm.

And like, and like we-we're the important people in the back.

- Drivin' Ms. T.T... - Aah.

Every year on Halloween, uh, night

the neighborhood kids get a real gas

out of comin' over to Trudy Wiegel's house

and nabbing one of her cats.

This year I've set up a sting operation

so I've got a taxidermied cat in my front lawn.

He was real at one time.

'That was Tigger.'

He died of a... an ingrown declaw.

But, uh, so far, no takers.

'Holy crap, we got one. we got one.'

Holy hell!

Holy hell!

I could see you!

I see you! Hold!

- Hey! - Oh, Trudy.

Wiegel, we were patrolling the alley.

- Thank God you're here. - 'Yeah.'

W-We followed, two Korean kids. They were in this alley and...

That's exactly what it was... just a couple of Korean kids.

- '...and check on them.' - Oh, hell!

Yeah, good thing we were here.

Well, good thing you were here.

Thanks for scarin' those guys away.

We could probably, they... We could probably get pursuit.

- I can still catch 'em. - 'Let's... Go! I'll, uh...'

- Thanks, Travis. - 'I'll hold the fort here.'

Yeah, look for Korean kids

and you'll see them, yo-you'll know.

Here. Here take one, too.

Get over that, uh, that uh...

She's comin' back.

You guys see 'em, the Koreans?

- They got away. - 'Oh, man.'

Holy crap!

Tigger!

Tigger?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty...

'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Kitty... Oh!'

'That's awful, just awful.'

Ugh, Jim, another Halloween they got me.

- They got me. - ***.

- The *** Koreans. - Yeah.

[instrumental music

This is private property, sir.

Sir, this is private property.

- Private property, sir. - Put your hands up, sir.

Hands in the air, hands in the air.

- Hands in the air, sir! - Put your hands up!

Trick or treat.

- 'Ugh.' - Ee! Ee!

You guys want to come in for some candy?

- No. No. - No, thank you.

Another 10-18.

One thing that I cannot stand about Halloween...

What is this fascination

with people puttin' firecrackers up cats' butts?

I don't understand why that's fun.

I don't like kids beggin' for food, okay?

I think it's a, it's a whole thing that is settin' them off

for welfare livin', okay?

'Cause there they are, they're going out of their house

they're blowin' up stuff, and showin' up

with a bag, and they're beggin' for food.

that's gonna set the pattern for the rest of their life.

They're not gonna want to work on a job.

They're gonna beg for money.

They're gonna beg for food checks.

- Okay? This is sendin' the wr-- - Oh, I got, I gotta disagree.

I trick-or-treated as a kid and I am not on welfare.

I've always been gainfully employed.

Well, you're one of the lucky ones.

Where are you goin'? Where are you goin'?

Back up. What are you doin' tonight?

Defacin' some property, startin' a fire, maybe?

That's nice "Satan is my friend."

What's up? What's goin' on? What are we doin' here?

- Having a little fun on... - 'Satan's birthday.'

Yeah, this looks like a blast. Satan's birthday?

Hate to break it to you, Satan doesn't exist.

Let's all sit down, let's all sit down.

Yeah, on the ground.

Let's talk about the true spirit of Halloween here.

Halloween is a celebration of the changing of the seasons.

Alright? You ever heard of Wicca?

Wicca... It's an Earth-based religion.

Okay, there is no devil.

There is no horned God, alright?

He doesn't exist.

There are Gods and Goddesses.

I don't know what this little shindig is

and that better be light beer.

That better be light beer.

It's gonna go straight to your gut.

You're gonna have a beer belly by the time you're seventeen.

It's not attractive, it's not sexy.

This is for fun. Okay?

I don't know why we have to make this big schmagilla

about this stuff. I mean, I'm here to scare people...

...traumatized here, and, and, and the woman here...

She's scared half out of her mind.

Scare! Say it again, scare! Scary House.

It's called a Scary House, and every year I do this

I've never had anythin', I've never...

Have you ever been called out to my house? Never...

No, I don't know if I have but I know

the Sheriff's Department has.

Well, okay, that was something totally different

and that, that I was pardoned for.

When I'm in there, I'm in character.

Okay? And I'm not, I'm not Steve Marmella.

Okay? I'm a... Boo!

You know, I'm a... Boo! I'm a... This is a rib cage...

I'm a ghoul in the night.

Even if I should happen to brush up against, you know--

- Don't, hey. - I'm sorry.

What I found outrageous is

you didn't feel like a brush up against her breast?

She felt a human penis in a bowl.

Okay, that's the statement that she gave my partner.

A human penis in a spaghetti bowl.

She fe... These are... That is entrails of doom.

Okay, well, you, you don't deny that this is spaghetti?

- Mm-hmm. - You don't den-deny that thi--

Oh, you caught me. it's spaghetti!

What the hell is happening here?

This is crazy. Absolutely crazy.

- That's your bowl, right, sir? - Yeah, well--

'And, uh, and what's with this hole here?'

'What's, wh-what's the hole here for?'

It's... entrails.

Bwa-a-a-a-a-h! Bwa-a-a-a-a-h!

Entrails, bwah.

D-Do you deny tha-that, that could fit a human penis?

- The hole fits, wear it, sir. - Not, not... Ha-ha-ha.

- If the hole fits, wear it. - 'What?'

I'm gonna teach you a little spell.

You can call it a spell.

Ah, you can call it a magical rite, whatever.

If you need to get back at somebody

take your power back, what you can do is

A, get a personal object from that person

summon the en-energies of the four winds

you're gonna chant,

"Fire, malice, fear..."

- "Fire, malice, fear..." - "Fear..."

- 'Times three.' - "Times three."

"Times three."

- "So and so..." - Justin Timberlake.

"Feel my treachery."

Do you have time to hang out with us for a little bit?

I would love to, 'cause these candles smell really good.

I'd actually like to find out where you got those.

Oh, look at this here.

'What do we have here?'

'Ugh.'

Get back! Move! Get back.

What's wrong with you, huh? This is foolish.

This is the oldest trick in the book.

"Oh, I'mma go out and get a bag of boo-boo.

"I'm gonna put it on the man's doorstep.

"He gonna come outside, see the bag...

"Bom, Bom, Bom, step on the bag.

then he got boo-boo all over his foot."

That is foolishness!

I'mma gonna tell you right now, I knew what you was gonna do

'cause what? I got eyes in the back of my head.

I'mma gonna tell you right now

it's Halloween, and I'mma let you slide.

But the next time it's gonna be me and you.

You understand? Now get to get.

I said get!

You go on and, uh, and continue to have a safe night.

Halloween.

Oh-h-h!

What did you do? What did you do?

All my makeup was in there!

I'll tell you, it's real scary

to be a police officer on Halloween.

Uh, one year I remember we had free candy out

you know, someone had brought in free candy

for everyone in the station

and I near choked to death on a Jolly Rancher.

You take your life in your own hands

in this business, especially around Halloween.

Halloween is truly hell on earth

for a law-enforcement officer.

It, it... I wouldn't wish what happens to us

on my worst enemy.

People want to *** us up on Halloween.

Was it your car that had, uh, the port-a-potty dumped?

- The whole-- - 'Well, yeah.'

'You were in it, though.'

Yep, I don't know how

it was, they were very organized, those little ***.

We got another okay corral here at the liquor store.

- Another crazy Halloween. - Dangle's having a bad night.

- 'Dangle!' - 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!'

- 'Hey! Hey! Hey!' - What happened?

- What's goin' on? - Jones got this one.

Jones got this one, and got this one...

Okay, hold on. what have we got, five?

We got five? Whoa, calm down.

Sit down, buddy.

- It was awful, it was awful. - What happened?

Am I gonna have to smack you? I can't understand you.

- 'Take it easy.' - I can't understand you.

'It's okay, it's okay.'

'Ugh.'

Un-hun...

I'm gonna ride with him.

'That's alright. It's alright.'

'It's okay, baby.'

It's okay, baby, come on, now.

It's okay, it's okay.

- Happy Halloween! - Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

Thanks, man, thanks.

♪ The mash ♪

♪ He did the monster mash ♪ ♪ The monster mash ♪ ♪ He did the monster mash ♪ ♪ The monster mash ♪

♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪ ♪ He did the mash ♪

♪ It got caught on in a flash ♪

'Hey, guys.'

Uh, Lloyd, I'm gonna need a bottle of Jagey and six shots.

- What is this about, Johnson? - You'll see, you'll see.

Jones had something

that, uh, he probably wanted all of us to see

so just bear with me, alright?

Oh, sorry! No, that's not it!

'Just look at Wiegel's cat suit or something.'

Why did you bring that up in here?

- 'That's not it.' - 'Whoa! wow.'

Okay, alright, sorry, sorry, that's not it.

'How do you know he wanted us to see--'

- Whoa! - 'Alright, that's not it!'

- You are a whore. - 'Oh, shut up.'

- 'Okay, okay, okay.' - 'That's great.'

I've had a lot in my day, you know that?

You know who the booty call... is, Williams.

- This is not... - What the hell is this?

- I'm a booty call? - 'What is a booty call?'

'I'mma... I'm a booty call, Jonesy?'

Sorry, this is not by the...

I thought it was cued up, you guys. I'm sorry.

'...about Garcia?'

- 'What?' - Garcia's impotent.

♪ damn it, son of a bitch!

- 'Okay, no.' - 'How did he...'

...Dangle would hate anyone to know about him.

Dangle wears a toupee.

It's not a toupee, it's not a toupee.

'...what I'm gonna do.'

I want to die on duty

you know, serving Reno and protecting Reno.

'You've thought about that, huh?'

I mean, if I were to die, that's how I'd die.

'I'd like to die on force.'

'And, you know, I don't want any tears'

'I don't want a huge fanfare or anything.'

'Go to, uh, Lloyd's Bar'

'and, and have a shot of... Jagey.'

- 'And, uh...' - Hey.

'You know, take ten, ten shots of Jagey.'

Every time, say "Jones. Jones."

- 'Ten shots.' - Let's go, guys, Jones.

- I can't even do one. - Shut up, you'll do ten.

He was drunk, you guys.

I'd just like to say to all of you...

...it's not a toupee, it's a, it's a, it's human hair.

- Shh. - 'Who gives a ***?'

'Jonesy. Ha-ha...'

I'm gonna miss you, Jones.

I'm gonna miss you, man.

Boo!

That's not funny!

I cannot believe you did this!

Wiegel's coming, Wiegel's coming.

Okay. *** let's do it again, le-let's do it again.

- Okay. - Here, here, here.

- He-he-he. - Shh, shh, shh.

'Shh.'

Boo!

Guys?

'Guys?'