Original subtitles

It says, "Praise Allah!"

Good morning.

We are from the department of homeland security.

My name is Captain Duane Hernandez.

This is my assistant, Lieutenant Susie Kim.

In one week, you will be given an exam on homeland security

and you will all pass.

The chemicals wash down the body, flowing away

from the vital organs.

I'm dirty. I want to go in there.

I'm sort of more studying Duane and his physique

than I have so much the terrorist aspect of things.

Go. Go, go, go, go.

Well, we've been smelling this noxious fume all day.

I think what we've got is bioterrorism.

- We all in the same ballpark? - That's my first instinct.

Okay, we're gonna need a hazmat team staff.

We also need to call Washington.

- Someone's got get on the-- - 'Oh, my God!'

Oh-ho! Ohh-h-h!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey, dog. Yeah.

Alright, alright, alright.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

We good, we good. Wiegel, I need a visual surveillance

of the perimeter and all the quadrants.

Okay, we need the hazmat team on the--

'What we need to do is call Washington.'

I will get on the phone with Washington.

- We got to get him here soon. - Guys, it's just a skunk.

Damn it.

Confirmation, skunk. Okay. Goddamn!

'Air quality bad up here. Let's get down.'

Here's what we're gonna do

we're gonna fill it up with water

from the fire hose and flood him out.

No, that only happens in cartoons, Garcia.

The best way to draw it out is to pretend like we're sleeping.

We would notice that the skunk's gonna want to come out

as if can, so he can leave, and then as soon as he...

...we pounce on him.

'For about... For a box of...'

Let's just shoot it.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

'We've all got guns. I don't know why we--'

- 'Should we... Flank it.' - 'Ho, ho, ho. Ho.'

- Captain. - What's the situation?

- There's a skunk, sir. - There's a skunk.

- A skunk? - Yes.

Okay. What do you propose to do about it?

Well, I proposed that we get in there and shoot it.

Kill it.

Let me ask a question.

This is open to anyone.

Are you familiar with the concept of yin and yang?

Yeah, there's the black thing and the white thing

and they kind of look like sperm.

Very good. Very good.

There is a positive and a negative in life

and sometimes you capture, you capture more with honey

than with violence.

- 'Do you understand?' - Mm-hmm.

It's a skunk.

- Is it striped? - It's striped.

It's a striped skunk?

She's female... it's in oestrus.

She's just being frisky, that's all.

- There's no need to shoot it. - I-I apologize.

It's okay.

Give me five.

Push-ups.

Five.

You're a good man.

- 'Thank you, Duane.' - 'Shh.'

Wow, huh?

- That's Duane. - Wow.

I've been really impressed with the conduct

of the homeland security officers and...

- Apparently she's-- - Duane Hernandez.

I look at that man

and I want to put on an apron

and fry up some eggs

and I want to learn everything he has to teach.

"Teach me, teacher.

"Take me to school.

"Let me serve detention."

I will follow him wherever he goes.

I will hit that before he leaves.

- Oh, hell. - 'How you doin'?'

'Oh, I'm great.'

- 'I'm doin' okay. How are you?' - You're okay?

I'm, I'm not so good

'cause you were weavin' all over the road there.

Well, can we get one thing straight?

- 'I have not been drinking.' - We need to... Okay.

- Right hand to the nose... - Yeah.

- ...with the left hand - Right.

And back out.

I need you to recite the alphabet

from "z" to "a" backwards as fast as you can.

- From "z" to "a"? - Can you do that for me?

- Yeah. Backwards. - Sure. Uh...

Z...

Y...

X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q

P, O, N, M, L, K, J

I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.

- Uh... - Alright.

That's remarkable.

I've actually never seen anybody do that.

- Oh, my bladder is full. - Feel the toe.

I'm not worried about your bladder right now.

- Sure. - Okay.

- Ten. - Alright.

Alright. Well, You've got pretty good balance there.

- Thank you. - I want you to step, bump.

Step, bump-bump, step, bump.

Step, bump, step, bump-bump.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Step, bump, step, bump-bump.

Pas de bourree, kick-ball-change.

- Step, clap. - Okay.

Five, six, seven, eight.

You know what would be good is if you hit-kicked

and then you kind of... did that

and then a barrel turn and then, ha!

- You know? - That was good.

- That would be... - That was really good.

- You a dancer? - No. No, no, no.

I'm just drunk.

- Ahhhhh! - Gotcha!

Up against the vehicle right now, sir.

You're going to jail.

Susie Kim.

Susie Kim, the homeland security officer.

- Phew! - Whew!

- Phew! - Man.

Don't do that. You don't know her.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah, sure, of course.

You can ask me anything, Susie.

So...

So, what is it with the shorts?

Um, is it... I mean, c-c-can...

- You don't mind me asking? - No, no, I, uh...

Can your ass breathe in it,

'cause it just seems so...

I wear 'em for maneuverability

but you think they're silly, don't you?

No, no. You know what it is?

No, no, no.

The shorts are kind of silly, really.

- They're not silly at all. - No, no, no.

They're not. You, just being as fit as you are

just, I think you should let your ass breathe

because it's such a nice ass.

With some slacks, you think?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I have, you know...

I have long pants. I just, um...

I'd like to see that sometime.

I don't know. Look at me.

I'm... dressed like a Goddamn clown.

I tell you what, I sure would like a hottie like that, uh...

What's her name? Susie...

- Uh, Mrs. Lieutenant Susie Kim. - Susie Kim.

Yeah. Hell, yeah.

I saw her making eyes for me.

I think their eyes are always like that.

Captain Duane Hernandez has taught me a lot of things.

He's taught me that I look best in red lips

that I can wear smoky eye-shadow shades

that it's okay to wear push-up bras.

But I haven't learned a whole lot about homeland security.

I'm afraid I'm definitely gonna blow the test.

But, uh, I'm gonna look great doing it.

'You pull into a parking lot.'

There is a foreign object unattended.

'In this case, it's a piece of luggage.'

'What do you do?'

The clock is ticking, peoples.

If it's at a mall, you would take it to the information desk

and see if there's a reward.

If there is, then collect it.

Uh, if it's in a supermarket, just leave it there.

It's probably for a homeless person.

No.

Williams.

I got it. Okay.

You shout out, "Hey, who forgot their, uh, bag?!"

No, Williams, you do not shout out

"Hey, who forgot their bag?!"

It someone shows up, it' not no, it's not a raffle.

Jones?

I didn't have a... I didn't raise my hand.

Dangle?

I don't know how or where you get them

but I believe there are robots for this.

- Who has those? - Radio shack.

Radio shack, does have them.

If you're at the mall, you don't even have to call.

- You can just walk over there. - Okay, okay, okay.

You're...

You're calling someone.

You're on the right track.

- Robot squad. - No robot squad!

That's horribly wrong!

This is right.

This is maybe a little right.

You're over there!

You're over there, you took a bus!

You took a transfer!

You went over there somewhere!

Yeah. Uh, we are, uh, we're ready.

We've been, we've been studying, right?

We've been studying.

We made some flash cards for the test.

We are getting ready for the test.

The homeland security test.

Um... We tried to study last night...

Ended up watching TV and having some beers

and, uh...

Tonight we really have to buckle down.

We're gonna buckle down.

But a short answer to your question

um, if terrorism hits Reno, no, we're pretty much

Got a call about a disturbance.

She's disturbed. One of our customers. I don't know.

T.T., what you doin'?

- Hi. Remember me? - Hey.

- Remember me? - Wow, look at this.

'Doin' some shopping. Wow.'

I'm buyin' everybody a beer 'cause I won the lotto.

But let's go shopping outside

because everything out there...

- Whoo-hoo! - Damn it, T.T.!

Oh!

- Get back here! - Whoo-whoo!

'Get back here! [bleep]'

T.T., I'm not playing with you.

I am not playing with you, girl.

T.T.!

Ma'am, just stay put.

Just stay put.

Everybody stay put.

I got a T.T. Situation here at the Virginia Street Market.

T.T. thinks she won the lottery.

I've got a situation here.

I need you here right now.

Thank you.

- Calm down. - Go, go, go.

- Calm down. - There's nothing to see.

Give me my stick.

- Where's my stick? - Here, it's right here.

- Ho. - Come on.

Ho.

We're gonna get you another ticket.

Don't throw punches at me, T.T.

Don't throw punches at me.

'No, T.T., T.T., T.T.'

- 'T.T.' - 'Jones.'

You want to date a woman with money?

- Uh-hmm. - Whoo!

Want to date a woman that got paid?

Oh, God, no.

Well, this is a California ticket.

- That's California, T.T. - What you talkin' 'bout?

That's California. Where'd you get that?

'You didn't win the lottery.'

Aaah!

Oh, jeez, here we go.

- Damn! - Come on.

- Aaah! - Here we go.

- Here we go. - Come on.

- Let go of the machine. - This can't happen.

Okay, alright.

You go, uh, make sure everybody stays--

- Aaah! - Come on.

- T.T. - T.T., act like a lady.

- You're gonna be alright. - Act like a lady.

'Who's putting this away?'

Williams, Dangle.

I want you to approach the foreign object

and assess the situation cautiously.

Go. You have one minute. Go.

Good, Dangle, good.

'Cautiously, cautiously.'

'You don't know what's inside.'

'It could be dangerous.'

Williams, you are not on the moon.

Just approach with caution.

Assess the situation.

'You may not... No, okay, okay.'

Now you are assessing the situation.

No, you don't...

You're... No.

Dangle, you don't know what's inside.

You may not feel comf--

- Did you say check inside? - 'Oh, okay.'

I can barely hear you.

- Oh, my goodness. - Okay.

- Whoa. - Yes, it's just...

- These are beautiful. - It's clothes.

- Nice. - Those are... That's my clothes.

- That's all silk. - Is this a Dordon Gottrell?

- That's Calvin Klein. - This is nice.

He has a white dinner jacket made in the Philippines.

- 'Is that's a Gordon Gottrell?' - That's nice.

'Thanks a Gordon Gotrell, isn't it?'

'These are good pieces.'

Good afternoon, class. My name is Officer Garcia.

This is my partner, officer Jones.

'We are from the Reno county Sheriff's department.'

We are here today to talk about self-defense.

Move number one.

Let's say you folks are caught behind the bleachers.

You're taking a whiz, taking a leak, fellas.

I'm gonna show you six ways to get out of this hold.

He's a bigger man, but it doesn't matter.

I'm gonna use my leverage, and I'm gonna get out, okay?

Now he's got my head.

You might think there's nothin' I can do from here. Okay.

Nothin' I can do, what I'm gonna do is

I'm gonna use my leverage.

I'm gonna start with my right knee.

I'm gonna spin out.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm alright.

Damn.

Alright, time-out. Hold on. Hold on.

- You want to spin out? - No.

'Cause you gotta get me from the other side.

Well, you can't get it from here?

'I can spin out that way.'

Wait. Hold on. Hold on.

- You okay? - Yeah.

I'm alright.

He's a bigger man.

Now, normally...

- Alright. - Let's take these off.

- Take those glasses off. - Sure.

Okay. Now, hold on. Hold on.

Hold on, hold on.

You see that right there?

Right there, see, I had him goin'.

And I lured him with the whole speech thing.

You want to show' em another hold?

- No, I'm good, I'm good. - You okay.

Yeah.

I think any terrorist

who would plan to do some kinda thing in Reno

has never been to Reno.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's show time.

You have 45 minutes in which to finish the exam.

Godspeed.

Okay, here we go, folks.

Question 1, answer is "a," "Don't open."

Question 2, answer is "a."

Question 3, answer is "c."

- Going way too fast. - Way, way, way too fast.

I don't know when he's gonna come back.

Yes, maybe Reno was disgusting.

Yes, maybe it is a cesspool of vice and boredom

an abysmal hellhole of nothingness.

But we had a nice time.

That timer was some kind of a camera or something, I bet.

'They're gonna know we cheated, and we are dead.'

- 'We are dead.' - We've lost our jobs.

Hey, everything's gonna be fine

as long as we stick together like a team, okay?

- Teamwork. - To teamwork.

- 'To teamwork, okay.' - To teamwork.

To teamwork.

Oh.

'Hey, Duane, how you doin'?'

When I was 7 years old...

I went to my grandfather's ranch in Seville, in Spain.

He had a prize bull, Bernardito.

And one afternoon

I saw Bernardito mount 15 cows.

'Today...'

I think I feel what Bernardito must have felt

because I'm very proud

very proud of all of you.

- 'You have passed the exam.' - Ohh!

'So now what happens?'

'Now what do we do?'

'What happens now is life.'

You're gonna stay, though, right?

Bernardito took a nap.

'You will continue doing what you do'

and we will continue doing what we do.

- Congratulations. - 'Very good.'

'Duane, you guys are... You're not, uh...

- 'You're really not staying?' - 'I have to go on.'

'I'm-I'm needed elsewhere.'

'But it was a pleasure to train you all'

and to serve with you.

We're not done.

I'm, we don't... We're not ready.

'We're certainly not ready.'

- 'No, no, no,' - 'We are not ready.'

'If you go, We need, we need help.'

- We need more. - 'I'm not ready.'

- That was so... - Carry on.

'Duane, my name is spelled' wrong.'

'We cheated. We cheated!'

'You gotta come back because we cheated.'

- Shut up! - 'No.'

- Shut up! Shut up! - Duane?

- Duane? - 'Shut up!'

Duane.

Don't go, Duane.

You can't go.

When I first met you

you were like a frightened little kitten

inside a laundry hamper.

Now...

...you are a beautiful swan inside a fancy restaurant.

Duane.

Send back the soup if you don't like it.

Order more bread.

You are in command.

It smells like safety.

- It smells like safety. - It is.

It is.

Duane...

'No.'

No.

Duane!

Duane, come back, Duane!

- Duane, don't go, Duane! - I go! I go!

Come back, Duane!

No! Come back, Duane!

'Come back, Duane!'

'Um, so I suppose most of you'

'have heard little snippets about this, um.'

We were robbed over the weekend.

They got away with $300,000 worth of evidence

from the evidence room and most of the phones and computers.

Uh, apparently the Department of Homeland Security

doesn't send out teams to train.

That person who called himself Duane Hernandez

is apparently "Spanish Mike" Alvarez

wanted for impersonating a federal officer

grand larceny, and the "Woman," uh, uh...

is apparently a gentleman named Sammy Heung.

I tried to [bleep] him.

'Of course you did.'

Duane also... Duane also took my credit-card number

and told me he was gonna get me a subscription to Condé Nast.

Who do we even report the theft to?

- I'm not sure. - The president?

'Well I knew something' was wrong with her.'

''cause she kept staring at my boobs all the time.'

- Sammy's a boob man, I guess. - 'Somethin' wrong with you.'

I am irritated, and I have a headache

and I'd like to never speak of this again outside this room.

Can we just forget it ever happened, please?

Done.

- Code of... - Silence. Sure.

I can't believe that just happened

with Duane and the whole...

'Code of silence.'

We just-- we just made a code of silence 30 seconds ago.

They were lumpy.

Does it make you gay if you whacked off to a guy?

Not. He didn't know he was a guy.

Well, wait a second.

'I don't think you're gonna vote on this.'

You gotta start somewhere, so...

Bub-bub-bub-bub.

- Survey says yes. I'd say. - Oh,

God damn, I'm queer.

Well, you know what that asshole said to me?

- 'Sammy--' - 'Spanish Mike.'

'Spanish Mike.'

He says, "Clemmy

"you know, you don't need to look like that all the time.

"You should read books, you got a great mind."

Huh, bull [bleep], buddy.