Original subtitles

Get on the ground!

- Get on the ground now! - Sheriff's Department...

Don't you, don't you... Just...[bleep].

Sheriff's Department! Get down!

Get down now! Get... Oh, man.

Goddammit! He went that way.

Dammit! I don't see him!

'Where'd he go? Where'd he go?'

Those guys can run. How you doin'?

- Give me that camera. - 'No! No.'

Give me that camera. Huh, give me that...

Oh-ho! Oh-ho-ho!

Hey, dog.

'Shots fired.'

Ho! Ho! Ho!

'Did you break up a fight with those ugly twins?'

'Did somebody send me this? Somebody send me this?'

They spelled sheriff wrong on this letter

and it has no return address.

Bunch of crap in it.

- 'What is that?' - I don't know.

'Some kind of free detergent sample they send out sometimes?'

'Don't put it in your mouth if it's detergent.'

It does taste a little bit detergent-y.

It does.

'But usually they say, you know, try the...'

"Here's a coupon with it." I-is there a coupon with it?

- Well, maybe. - I think someone is...

- Bathroom caulking. - Bathroom caulking.

- 'It is bathroom caulk.' - It says, "Praise Allah!"

- 'Oh, man.' - 'Oh.'

I guess we better call somebody.

Good morning!

We are from the Department of Homeland Security.

My name is Captain Dwayne Hernandez.

This is my assistant, Lt. Suzy Kim.

This white powder

that you have all been stuffing into your orifices

like so much confectionery... is, in fact, anthrax.

'Oh, what the hell?'

Simmer down. Simmer... People.

- 'Thanks for telling us now!' - 'I'm gonna die.'

It symbolizes, it symbolizes anthrax.

It could have, it could have been anthrax... is the point.

'Do you know what I would like?'

I would like tickets for the show.

What is it? Barbra Streisand?

Her-her final tour, maybe Neil Diamond?

I want tickets for the show, the show that's up to your asses

because that's where your heads are, up to your asses!

You must be doing a fantastic show up to your own asses!

Take your heads out of your asses! The show's over.

Lieutenant and I will show you how to deal with terrorism

with biological and chemical attacks.

In one week, you will be giving an exam on homeland security

and you will all pass.

'The lieutenant and I are here to help you.'

Nothing to be afraid of... except terrorism

and biological and chemical weapons.

'We will see you shortly.'

Have a nice day.

Ten-hut.

As you were.

Oh, man, we are screwed.

That's an important question.

"Do I feel like Reno is prepared

for a terrorist attack?"

No. My-my answer was gonna be, what kind?

but then my response, no matter, almost what you said

was gonna be no, so I really don't think so.

I don't think terrorism's gonna come to Reno.

I don't think there's any, anything here they want.

No, especially during the winter

'cause they, we got snow, and t-they'd have to put chains on.

Putting snow chains on your camel, it's not gonna happen.

They don't know how to...

- Don't know how to do that. - Exactly.

Did anyone notice the garbage can we just passed

about 30 meters behind us?

- No, sir. - No. There was a garbage can?

It's not garbage day, is it?

No, it's not.

You should have noted that.

It's not Tuesday. Today is...

Remember, gentlemen, eyes and ears peeled

at all times.

Just make it a part of your

your every day... being.

But if I could ask you, Mr. Hernandez--

- Of course. - Captain, uh--

There are no stupid questions.

Uh, are we in charge, are we in charge of trash?

That truck's pretty suspicious-looking.

"United we stand." Don't fool nobody with that bumper--

See, I feel like some of these people are trying too hard.

I feel like when, when the truck of anthrax comes

it's gonna have a united we stand bumper sticker

and a Bush-Cheney on the back.

- And a Toby Keith damn tape-- - Exactly right.

And it's gonna be the Trojan Horse

except it's not gonna be a horse.

- It's probably gonna be a... - Bronco.

F-150 or something.

911 call of a suspicious person.

Yeah, h-here we go.

Sheriff's Department!

This is the right address.

Sheriff's Department!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait.

This is one of the tests.

This is gonna be a test.

- Suspicious person. - Right.

It's gonna be, uh, there's gonna be a

some sort of bomb or a gas.

There's smoke coming out from underneath this

uh, kiddie pool.

See it? Right over there.

- Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! - Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

- Right there! Right there! - How you doing there, sir?

What you doin' down there?

- 'What you doing?' - 'Just hangin' out.'

'Just hangin' out under the kiddie pool, huh?'

- Why you got your boot off? - Why you got your boot off?

Why were you hidin' under the kiddie pool?

- 'I didn't do [beep].' - 'Yeah.'

'Why you're hiding under the pool if you...'

- 'Jesus Christ!' - 'No, no, no, no, no!'

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Freeze! Freeze!

Put the boot down. Put the boot down.

I'm gonna shoot your boot if you do not put it down right now.

- Don't shoot the boot, man. - I wish, sir.

I'm not... I'm... Three, two...

- Alright. - Thank you. [bleep].

'Get down! I'm pointing a gun at you.'

Sir, you got, in the house

do you have any sarin gas or anthrax--

I-I got a carton of smokes.

What do you guys want to stop [bleep] me up?

There's nothing in my boot. It's just a regular boot.

Powder, there's powder in the boot.

- There's powder in the boot? - There's powder in the boot.

That could be Gold Bond or Johnson's--

That's Dr. Scholl's powder

because I got a thing. Don't taste it.

'I wouldn't taste the Dr. Scholl's powder, man.'

It's Dr. Scholl's powder.

You're at the park with your family.

No biggie. Having a picnic.

Your little girl is playing hopscotch.

Your little boy comes back with a frankfurter.

He looks at you and says

"Daddy, why is the hot dog man wearing a turban?"

Too late. Boom! Explosion.

And you get up. You look at your hands.

They're covered with green slime.

What do you do? Hazmat chemical shower.

Ridiculously simple to use.

Lieutenant and I will show you how.

Volunteer!

'Wiegel?'

The first thing you must do is disrobe.

Into the shower! Commence hose down.

This is a granule emollient solution.

Gently.

'Good. Good.'

'It's a very gentle, soft process.'

The earlobes. Especially the earlobes.

They are very sensitive... to biological

and chemical solutions.

Scrubbing a downward motion.

Sometimes it takes more than one washing.

Next, let the chemicals wash down away from the vital organs.

Focus, people. This is about fighting the terrorists.

- 'Yes.' - 'Yes, sir.'

- 'This is America.' - Mm-hmm.

- We are free. - 'Yeah.'

This is the face of freedom! This is the face of freedom!

I-I have to be next. I have to be next.

There is a man.

He is, perhaps, Turkish.

- He is attacking you. - Mm-hmm.

In his left hand, he holds a switchblade.

In his right hand, he's holding a plastic comb.

You have one bullet in your revolver

and you do not want to kill him.

- Where do you shoot? - R-right in the nuts.

Maybe you should do the talking.

Ho! Ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- Hey, hey. - Oh, hell, no.

- Oh. - Gary, Lyle. What's going on?

- How you doin', Jimmy Jam? - I'm doin' alright.

- I'm doin' alright. - What's up tonight, fellas?

We're just having ourselves an expression of free speech.

Well, you know what, you can't do that.

And you know that. Alright?

Okay, but last time, it was a cornfield.

This is now my yard. This is my property.

Well, I respect that, but you know what

we can't have this kind of public display going on.

You're lighting a damn cross in your own yard?

Well, see, uh, that's not a cross.

That's a T for tolerance.

It's a T for truth.

It's a T for turning the corner.

- Fire it up. - 'No! Ho!'

No, you are not lighting that up.

'Don't light that up!'

'You know what, I'm losing my tolerance right now, okay?'

- Flame on. Here we go. - No.

- Do not flame on. - 'No, do-do not.'

- I'll ***ing light you up. - Jones, put the weapon down.

Do not light that.

I'm getting a lot of hostility off of you.

- Alright, well, uh-- - That's a T.

That's a T for team because I understand it now.

Now we're all on a team. You're my teammate.

Alright, hey, hey. Hey, hey, you know what? D-T-A-M-F-S...

Don't take another mother [bleep] step.

And don't you light that mother cross, alright?

You see? It'll be beautiful--

- Here comes a hug. - No, you better not. No, no.

- Flame on! - Do not flame on. No!

Do not flame on. Oh! Oh!

- 'Son of a [bleep].' - 'Goddammit!'

Oh, [beep] [beep].

- Somebody should get a hose. - . Goddammit!

You know, he's accident prone. This is not a complete surprise.

Well, lieutenant here has studied

at, uh, Cambridge, Oxford, the University of Seoul.

Am I missing any-anything?

The University of New Delhi. I'm sorry.

You have that master's degree there also.

She is, uh, breeds koi fish

she's a Muay Thai Kickboxing champion

in her weight division.

And the class above.

As for myself, I studied at the Bloomfield Community College

through affirmative action.

There are five dwarfs.

- One of them speaks French. - Okay.

One speaks Portuguese.

The others are mute.

You have only one bullet.

Which one do you shoot?

Tick tock, tick tock. Which one do you shoot?

Um... the black one.

I never said there was a black one.

- But you are correct. - I am?

Yes, you are thinking outside the box.

- I am? - Excellent. Yes.

You know, no one has ever

ever made me feel smart, like you.

- You've got to be kidding me. - No.

I mean, they treat me like I'm some kind of retarded monkey.

What I'm trying to tell you... my flower

is to let yourself bloom.

Can you feel my hand touching your face?

I can feel. I can feel it.

- Okay? - Okay.

- That is energy. - Yeah.

That is love coming to you from the universe

telling you, "Hey, woman, hey, lady

"maybe unbutton the top of your shirt.

Is that going to hurt anybody?"

- No. - No.

"Maybe look a little bit hot.

Is that going to hurt anybody?"

- No. - No.

And by helping yourself, you're helping your country.

By helping your country

you are defeating those dirty, dirty, dirty, bad bastards

who want to defeat us.

So bloom.

Bloom, damn you, bloom.

Bloom, damn you, bloom.

Captain Dwayne Hernandez is like...

He's not just an amazing captain.

Dwayne has... Dwayne has shown me that I can be

the Trudy Wiegel that no one ever knew that I could be.

Um...I... My voice has dropped.

My shoulders have opened, my scoliosis

I feel like, has almost completely corrected itself.

I'm no longer lactose intolerant.

It's amazing. Je ne sais quoi.

Je ne sais quoi.

'Oh, my Lord.'

Hey, y'all need to arrest that man right there.

- 'What's the problem, ma'am?' - 'Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!'

You need to arrest that man right there.

He was trespassing on my property.

- 'Okay.' - I hit him tonight.

I hit him last night, I hit him the night before.

You know why 'cause he came right across my property line.

- Where's your property line? - Right here!

- I don't see it. - Look. Right there.

- I got it marked off. - I don't see right there.

- You're doing this. I-- - Got two cigarette butts there.

It extends out this way.

'It comes back this way with this big rock.'

I'm sitting there last night, alright?

I'm getting a little high, and I said

"Uh, jackass, why don't you come over and keep me company?

I got enough doobie for the both of us."

And so he comes over.

The next thing I know

he's out like a light.

So y'all were doing drugs in there?

You have possession of drugs here?

I don't have anything in there now

'cause that jackass smoked everything I had.

So you were smoking marijuana?

You were smoking marijuana cigarettes?

I was smoking, we were drinking, we had some pills in there...

Y'all are missing the point.

- Y'all are missing the point. - Yeah, well, give us the point.

I'll show you the point right here.

This-this right here is the point.

'That's the point, okay?'

'That's not a point, that's a line.'

Hold on one second. Okay.

She's doing all these things that obviously is illegal.

We can't take her in 'cause...

We haven't seen anything.

I tell you what, we gotta get a situation here

where we can get her.

- Take it away, okay? - Cool.

Okay, ma'am, so wait a minute

you're saying that, uh, this right here is your property?

This right here, that right there is my property line.

- That's your property line. - But when he comes--

- Hey, hey, hey! - 'Hey, hey. Alright. Okay.'

You got her. You got... Okay.

I swear to God, I'll kick your ass--

There you go. There you go. You did it.

You wait till I come back!

Watch your head, ma'am. Watch your head.

'That jackass is gonna get his nuts bit off.'

'You're gonna get your nuts bit off when I get back.'

So get ready! Get ready for that!

Get ready for some nut-bitin'.

''Cause that's what you're gonna get.'

Call the doctor. Get that looked at, okay?

'And just don't cross your, cross the line, sir, okay?'

'Don't cross that line, jackass!'

You'll get your nuts bit.

What do you do to work out? 'Cause, my God, you're, uh...

You're really, uh... fit.

So every morning, about two hours before sunrise

I strip down naked, I go out to the ocean

and I swim two miles.

Usually, it's weird. Usually when I-I...

...see a fun outfit like that, I...

I think how it would look on me

and I don't feel that with you at all.

I-I don't find myself looking and saying

"Oh, wouldn't, wouldn't it be fun

to wear what Suzy's wearing?"

You know, but it looks really...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to touch your hair like that.

God, you're hot. What, where is that coming from?

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me today.

I'm sorry. I didn't just say, "God, you're hot."

That was really weird.

I'm just all mixed up today, Suzy.

Did you have something funny to eat or...

No, no. It's not my stomach. It's lower than that.

I see. Are you... Is it a hernia?

Are you-are you having hernia?

I'll be alright.

Now, now, now, now, look

I ordered this escort about, uh, 35 minutes ago.

If it was a pizza it'd be free.

'Oh, alright, alright. Here she is.'

Thank you. You have a good night.

Yeah, come on in. How you doin'? It's open.

- 'Mm-hmm.' - Well, well, how you doin'?

- 'I'm good. How are you?' - I'm not bad.

- I ain't bad. Look at you. - Look at me.

Yeah, now, in this picture, you look about

'thirty years younger as you are right now.'

Uh, mom! Mom!

Oh, baby. Uh...

What the hell, mom?

Uh, honey, I just...

I need, look, hon...

That's Clementine's mother, Beulah.

This is not the first time this has happened, actually.

Hey, Beulah.

She makes a fabulous, uh, apricot pie.

Am I surprised of the level of preparedness

at the department of Reno?

I'm su...

I'm surprised at the lack of preparedness that they have.

And if I were surprised

I would have to probably hide my surpriseness from you

because it's my job not to be surprised by anything.

Even, uh, uh, two years ago, lieutenant, you were there

they had a surprise birthday party for me.

"Surprise!" And I was surprised inside, but I couldn't react.

And it's sad sometimes

because people, they went to a lot of trouble.

My parents came, and they hid, and they, "Surprise!"

And I still, I cannot show surpriseness

because, uh, that's not what we get paid for.

You gotta admit, Suzy Kim's kinda-kinda hot.

I'm gonna tell you like my grandmamma told me

"Don't nothing like bones but a dog," huh?

All I'm saying is the girl is bony

and I won't play no word games

like I say, "Oh, she's bony, she's a bone.

Oh, now you want to bone her." That's not funny to me.

That is not funny. That's stupid.

That's stupid.

You don't even like, you don't even like shrimp fried rice.

What does "D-D-E-O-D" stand for?

- D-D-E-O-D? - Yes.

Dark dude eating...

...oriental delights?

- No. - You like that?

Well, you know, I'm thinking that you and I

could make like a tiger.

Yeah, a blasian.

Tiger Woods. Grr.

I love you.

You are not getting none. That is not working.

Go. Go, go, go.

Goddamn!

What do we got here, ladies?

- Damn, girl, you look good! - Thank you.

- We got a situation here. - 'Okay.'

We've been smelling this noxious fume all day that you can smell.

And I got a lot of people that's feeling sick.

I think what we got to is bioterrorism.

We all in the same ball park on bioterrorism?

Sir, what I need you to do is evacuate your people

calmly and slowly.

Take your people out calmly and slowly.

Wiegel, I need a visual check

on the perimeter and all the quadrants.

- Okay. - Here's what we need to do.

We gotta get a sniper up on the roof. Call for backups.

We need a helicopter with a searchlight--

Okay, we're gonna need the Hazmat team stat.

We're also gonna need to call Washington.

Well, someone's gotta get on the phone--

'Oh, my God!'