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1
00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,347
I don't know, but I hope
he doesn't have stingers.
2
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,391
- Was it a fly or was it a bee?
- I don't know.
3
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:18,642
If it had stingers...
4
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:21,186
I've no problem if there's
a fly in the car.
5
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:23,105
You should drive and I'll look
for the flyswatter.
6
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,606
- Where'd he go?
- I just saw him!
7
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:25,607
- Where?
- He was on you.
8
00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:27,317
- Is it a fly or is it a bee?
- He was on you.
9
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:29,278
P-p-p-p-p-p...
10
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,296
{\an8}Hey, dog. Yeah.
11
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:14,656
'...for which it stands'
12
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:16,825
{\an8}one nation under God...
13
00:01:16,826 --> 00:01:17,826
{\an8}Buddha...
14
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:19,203
{\an8}...indivisible
15
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:22,539
{\an8}with liberty and justice
for all.
16
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:23,832
{\an8}Okay.
17
00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,584
Amen.
18
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:28,670
- Wait, what did you say?
- 'I said Buddha.'
19
00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:30,005
- You said Buddha?
- Mm-hmm.
20
00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:31,340
- 'I didn't say...'
- One nation under Buddha?
21
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:34,134
I didn't say anything when
it was your turn to lead it.
22
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:37,846
- I'm not disrespecting you!
- 'Well, that is...'
23
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:40,349
Not everybody in this country
believes in God.
24
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,392
- I do.
- 'Well, just because--'
25
00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:45,395
But other people don't
26
00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:47,481
and I think that
we should embrace everybody.
27
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,358
Well, then,
I suppose at Christmas time
28
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,193
you won't be wanting
any gifts, Buddha.
29
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,404
I'm not saying that!
Of course, I want gifts.
30
00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:56,240
{\an8}- Officer!
- What's up?
31
00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:57,658
{\an8}- I'm the one who called.
- Okay.
32
00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:59,743
{\an8}I was just, I was just
doing a standard delivery
33
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,161
{\an8}and the next, next thing I know
34
00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:01,995
{\an8}this guy's shooting paintballs
at me.
35
00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:03,664
{\an8}- Oh, my gosh!
- I-I think I'm bruised.
36
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,290
{\an8}- Oh, no. Okay.
- I got other mail to deliver.
37
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,209
It's like...
I don't know what's going on!
38
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,253
- It's like, just like...
- Okay.
39
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,046
Oh, my gosh,
there he goes again!
40
00:02:11,047 --> 00:02:12,047
- Whoa!
- Okay.
41
00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:13,173
Stay low, stay low.
42
00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:16,552
- Holy jeez!
- Reno, Reno, this is...
43
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:21,098
Reno, Reno, this is 14-Allen-28.
We got a situation here at the--
44
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:23,100
I mean, let me in here.
I'm hit! I'm hit!
45
00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:25,769
We got a sniper firing
paintballs at our vehicle here
46
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,145
not getting out of this...
47
00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:28,230
Someone get over here right away
48
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,773
'cause I'm sorry
I'm just not getting paid enough
49
00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:32,025
{\an8}to deal with this. Thank you.
50
00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:33,735
{\an8}It's Lieutenant Dangle's
moving day
51
00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:38,240
{\an8}and, uh, he asked all of us
to show up, help him move.
52
00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,492
{\an8}Uh, hello, gentlemen.
How you doing?
53
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,412
Uh, so what am I gonna do?
He's my boss.
54
00:02:45,164 --> 00:02:46,457
{\an8}Lieutenant.
55
00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:53,755
{\an8}- 'Hey, hey!'
- Ah-ha, this...
56
00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:56,300
{\an8}- Hey, man.
- Yeah.
57
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:57,467
- What up, Blood?
- 'What's going on, man?'
58
00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,094
How's it going, Blood? Alright.
59
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:00,596
Anyway, thanks
for coming by, man.
60
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,556
- Hey, hey.
- Thanks for coming by.
61
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,433
- Yeah, no problem.
- Oh, you smell great, man.
62
00:03:06,394 --> 00:03:08,270
- Great, great.
- It's real good.
63
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:10,981
Hey, so I'm here,
let's, uh, let's-let's do this.
64
00:03:10,982 --> 00:03:12,774
Oh, yeah, yeah, awesome.
65
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,318
This is torture.
You're not hot in that zip-up?
66
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,028
No, it's pretty breezy,
actually...
67
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,071
I got some,
I got some other stuff.
68
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:19,406
- No, I'm fine.
- I got...
69
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:21,491
I got a whole other rig
like this if you wanna maybe...
70
00:03:21,492 --> 00:03:23,243
- I'm gonna get you something.
- No, no, no.
71
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:24,077
- You sure?
- Know what? Lieutenant?
72
00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:25,287
- 'I'm gonna get you
something.'
- No.
73
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,288
I'll just take this off, okay?
74
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:27,623
'Why don't you...
Where's everybody?'
75
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:28,457
You can take your shirt off
if you want to.
76
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,459
I might take my shirt off, actually.
77
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:31,627
It's such a scorcher.
78
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,629
Did, uh,
did, uh, Garcia show up or...
79
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:34,630
- 'No, it's so weird.'
- Junior?
80
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,799
Yeah, it's weird.
Everybody flaked, I guess.
81
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,094
- I called everybody.
- Am I the only one?
82
00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,679
And you're the only one here.
It's so, it's weird.
83
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,306
Everybody must have flaked,
I guess.
84
00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:47,143
'Bunch of flakes.
Flaky, flaky, flaky.'
85
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,024
{\an8}Better not crack
the windshield.
86
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:56,526
{\an8}- 'You okay, sir?'
- 'Stop it! Stop!'
87
00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:59,696
'Yeah, take your time, guys.
Come on!'
88
00:03:59,697 --> 00:04:00,989
What do we got, ladies?
89
00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:02,950
{\an8}Uh, listen,
we got a lunatic over here.
90
00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,826
{\an8}He's assaulting
a government worker.
91
00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:07,120
{\an8}I don't know
how to handle this situation.
92
00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:08,163
{\an8}You guys need to take over.
93
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:10,958
He's got
about a 36 caliber cap gun.
94
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,001
Okay, smoke-and-choke
cover formation, okay?
95
00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:17,506
- 'Go now! Please, please...'
- Hurry! Come on.
96
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:20,050
- Two, one. Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Go already.
97
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,721
No mercy, no mercy, no mercy.
98
00:04:24,722 --> 00:04:26,056
No mercy, no mercy!
99
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,849
Suppressive fire, on my count.
100
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:30,186
Two, one, go! Hwah!
101
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,856
Aah! Get out of here!
Get out of here!
102
00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:35,524
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
103
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:39,486
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
104
00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:41,905
- 'Come on!'
- I got you!
105
00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:43,908
No mercy! No mercy!
106
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:47,202
- 'Aah!'
- Whoo!
107
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,498
- Freeze!
- I give up.
108
00:04:51,499 --> 00:04:53,542
- I...
- That's it, put it down!
109
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:56,503
I said I give up!
What the hell is wrong with you?
110
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:59,548
{\an8}Put it down, set it right there,
walk on out of here.
111
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:03,051
Do you not know the rules
of that game?
112
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,428
Do you not know
the rules of the game?
113
00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:09,725
Hey, hey, hey!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
114
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,436
Aah! I gave up!
115
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,689
'Junior! I just had
my hair colored!'
116
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:16,858
I said I give up!
117
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:24,197
{\an8}If you were on the moon
and you could *** Wiegel
118
00:05:24,198 --> 00:05:27,201
{\an8}and then leave her on the moon,
you wouldn't *** Wiegel?
119
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,579
Hell no.
120
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,247
Hell, no.
121
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:33,749
What kind of woman
do you like then?
122
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,419
She got all the right parts,
just the, the, wiring's screwy.
123
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:40,297
You know, it's like the flippers
work and the bumpers work
124
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,383
it's just the wiring's screwy
and the score's all wrong.
125
00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:45,635
{\an8}Look at you,
with your tenderness.
126
00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:48,597
{\an8}Mmm, my name is Reggie
127
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,599
{\an8}but all my friends
call me Sugarwolf.
128
00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:54,603
I like that!
129
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,230
- Yeah.
- Ooh, you just so tender.
130
00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,649
Well, let me take a look at you,
let me take a look at you.
131
00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:05,489
Girl, you could take
and put a drink on that thing.
132
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,617
- Stop, stop. Stop.
- Damn!
133
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,744
- You are so cute.
- Yeah.
134
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:11,662
But you look so familiar.
135
00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:17,709
You, your name is Calvin.
136
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:20,670
I used to babysit you.
Your mama name is Etta Mae.
137
00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:22,130
Am I right?
138
00:06:22,131 --> 00:06:24,007
Is your name Calvin?
139
00:06:24,008 --> 00:06:24,925
Miss Raineesha?
140
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:29,304
Come on now!
Get the hell out. Oh, my god!
141
00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,639
I always told you
when I used to keep
142
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,307
you and your little brother
143
00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:34,518
"Be the best,
whatever you do in life."
144
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:37,687
Didn't Miss,
Miss Raineesha tell you?
145
00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:39,481
B-b-be the best.
146
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,608
Be the best.
147
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:45,654
I'm gonna see
if you really the best at...
148
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:46,948
At what you do.
149
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,284
Stand up
and take your shirt off.
150
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:56,998
{\an8}Maybe we should probably
just kind...
151
00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:58,291
{\an8}'You should have
something to drink.'
152
00:06:58,292 --> 00:06:59,709
- 'You're gonna get
dehydrated.'
- Chip-chop.
153
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:02,295
You know, get it going here.
154
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:04,047
- I'm gonna get you a drink.
- No, I'm good.
155
00:07:04,048 --> 00:07:05,340
- You don't want a drink?
- No, I'm fine.
156
00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:08,845
- 'Take a drink.'
- I'm... Seriously, I'm fine.
157
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,349
I'm making margaritas!
158
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:21,315
It's a mix tape!
159
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:28,196
From Mikano,
my buddy gets mix tapes
160
00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,699
of all the stuff they play
in the foam bar at Mikano.
161
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,201
Yeah.
162
00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:35,203
Moving da-a-a-y!
163
00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:38,206
- Moving da-a-a-y!
- Moving da-a-a-y!
164
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:39,374
Hold up your margarita.
165
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:42,377
- Margarita-a-a-as.
- Margarita-a-a-as.
166
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:49,426
{\an8}What do you think
of Williams?
167
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,219
{\an8}Well, you go first,
how do you feel about her?
168
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:52,721
{\an8}- She bugs the *** out of me.
- Me too, I can't stand her.
169
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:56,266
Bugs the *** out of me,
and I try to be nice.
170
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,434
Me, too.
171
00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,060
- I try to be nice.
- Me, too.
172
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:00,896
But you know what,
the minute you don't laugh
173
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,772
at one of her jokes
that isn't really funny
174
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:05,066
she turns on you.
175
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:07,068
And she was looking at me,
the other day I told Dangle.
176
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:08,403
I thought she was gonna hit me.
177
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,071
I thought
she was gonna bite me.
178
00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:12,240
I thought she was gonna rip
the vein right out of my neck.
179
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:14,534
I thought
she was gonna take a machete
180
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,578
and rip my throat out.
181
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:16,704
She doesn't have a machete.
182
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,751
{\an8}'What are you doing out
here today, Terry?'
183
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:23,919
What are you doing
out here today?
184
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,587
Just, uh, watching over stuff.
185
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:28,798
Okay, looks like maybe you're
doing a little, uh, prostitution
186
00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:31,593
out here today, Terry,
is that possible?
187
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:32,761
I'm so not.
188
00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:34,930
Terry, are you
on anything today?
189
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,765
'I'm not, I quit everything.'
190
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:39,226
I don't even drink.
191
00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,477
You seem a little jittery
right now, Terry.
192
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:41,770
Right now, Terry,
you're trying to tell me
193
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:42,270
that you're not
on any substance?
194
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:44,940
I had Skittles.
195
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:45,941
'You're jittery from Skittles?'
196
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,860
- Yes.
- Interesting.
197
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:51,613
Your eyes are
real dilated to me.
198
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:52,739
They seem to sort of
be jogging around a little bit.
199
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:57,244
Well, have you ever had
Skittles? So it's all sugar.
200
00:08:57,245 --> 00:09:01,623
- I heard a rumor.
- What's that, Ter?
201
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:02,666
Mexican werewolves are coming up
202
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:07,295
from Mexico and selling crack.
203
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:09,297
- 'We'll get to that--'
- If that happens...
204
00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:11,800
We'll get to that, Terry,
when that happens.
205
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:13,635
In the meantime, what we have
to deal with is you
206
00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:16,471
and you not being
on this corner
207
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:17,764
not prostituting yourself
208
00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:18,848
and not hopping yourself up
on Skittles
209
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:21,810
which I'm sure is a code name
for a new kind of crack.
210
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:24,437
- It's so not.
- Or something.
211
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:27,524
Anyway, say it, don't spray it,
that's my new motto.
212
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:28,984
'Okay, Terry,
why don't you move along?'
213
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,444
- We'll remember that.
- Be careful.
214
00:09:31,445 --> 00:09:32,487
God, he's gonna break his neck.
215
00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:33,822
We ought to paint
that on the side of our car--
216
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,157
"Say it, don't spray it."
217
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,667
Don't you *** eyeball me!
218
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,378
Cot! Now, ***!
219
00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:54,801
{\an8}Hey, kids, alright, well, let's,
let's go on with the tour.
220
00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:56,803
{\an8}'Alright, junior deputies'
221
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:59,014
{\an8}'uh, as uh, as a future
members'
222
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,057
{\an8}'of the Walshoe County
law and enforcement'
223
00:10:01,058 --> 00:10:04,060
'it's, uh, your privilege
to get a VIP tour'
224
00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:05,145
a little
behind-the-scenes action
225
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:09,024
a little for-your-eyes-only
type of stuff, uh...
226
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:09,816
This here's a jail cell.
227
00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:12,319
Sorry it smells like jizz
228
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,988
but, uh, I think
that's just jizz.
229
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,198
Ah, see this,
see this wall up here?
230
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:18,992
We got the glass partition
231
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:22,537
'that separates the prisoner
from the sheriff's department.'
232
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:23,163
Anybody got a guess
why we don't use
233
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:25,332
metal bars up there anymore?
234
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,167
It's actually
a pretty funny story.
235
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,878
Ah, we had this fella in here,
crystal meth tweaker fella.
236
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:31,880
And he was here all night
237
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,798
and he would stick his head
in the toilet
238
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:36,384
and fill it with water
and spit it on the floor.
239
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,553
By morning, there was about
a half an inch of water
240
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,388
all over the cell in here.
241
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:42,057
Then he climbed up there
and you see that
242
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,892
uh, that, uh, light fixture?
243
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:46,770
He yanked it down out
of the ceilin'
244
00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:48,229
and he pulled the wires apart.
245
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:51,941
He attached them to either side
of the metal bars.
246
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:53,735
So in the morning,
one of the deputies came in
247
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:58,198
touched his key to open
the damn door and he just
248
00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,533
'you know, he blew up
like a goddamn s'more.'
249
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:03,578
'Bam! Just fried
that son of a bitch.'
250
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:06,289
'You could smell the burn all
the way through the station.'
251
00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:10,210
His belt buckle, it got so hot,
it's like butter.
252
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,754
It just fell right through
the leather of his belt.
253
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:13,380
And it kept going
254
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,965
and it sliced his balls off.
255
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:19,761
Cauterized those balls,
like, as it was going
256
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,097
so there wasn't
even a drop of blood.
257
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:25,309
Two balls on the ground.
No blood, cauterized.
258
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:28,937
Any questions?
259
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,647
Alright, well, let's keep going
with the goddamn tour.
260
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:40,825
{\an8}- Sheriff.
- 'Yeah.'
261
00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:47,455
{\an8}- I have seen it all.
- Hey, hey, you know what?
262
00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:49,124
- Before you judge...
- 'What's goin' on?'
263
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,417
Before you judge...
You don't know me.
264
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,001
Alright, you don't know me. Can
I just say a couple of things?
265
00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:54,629
'Cause I feel
like I'm being judged.
266
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,756
'I'm not judging you.
I'm not here to judge you,
sir.'
267
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:58,299
I just want to let you know
a couple things.
268
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,801
I have a, a, a weird, uh, tan
269
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:02,303
'cause I play tennis, alright.
270
00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:04,180
That's number one,
number two, yes
271
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:05,515
I have a dildo
strapped to my head,
272
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,600
- 'Let me explain something.'
- 'Oh, my--'
273
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:09,644
Hey, you don't know me!
274
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,980
Let me explain something
to you, alright?
275
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:14,190
This is very...
You don't know me.
276
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:16,192
'I, people got different things,
alright, you know'
277
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:16,985
'things that turn you on
or whatever, okay?'
278
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,529
I'm not here to find out
any of that.
279
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,489
'Okay, look, in my past life,
I believe I was something'
280
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,158
'with a horn like a unicorn.'
281
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,784
- 'And I always imagined--'
- That's enough.
282
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:26,327
Let's put a period on the end
of that sentence
283
00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:28,121
and we're done talking
about that.
284
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:28,997
Okay, look, look,
everyone's got their thing.
285
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,166
They got their thing, right?
286
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:32,834
They got their little
eroticism zones.
287
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,795
- 'You're a gay...'
- Alright. You don't know me!
288
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:38,006
'Wait a minute, wait a minute...
Okay, silence.'
289
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,341
I'm putting my heart
on my sleeve.
290
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:42,343
And you're putting something
else on your head, sir!
291
00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:43,720
I'm just here to help you.
292
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,305
- Okay, you know what...
- I'm here to help you.
293
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,515
Everything about what you just
did is wrong.
294
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:50,477
Ah, not only did you just
slap me with brutality
295
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:52,020
you basically mocked the fact
296
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:52,896
that I have already
put my heart on my sleeve.
297
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,607
I said,
"I got a dildo on my head."
298
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,484
You don't have to point it out
by slapping *** on my head.
299
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:58,985
I have to call for backup.
I don't have keys for these.
300
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,862
'This is how you make wine
if you need'
301
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,947
'to make wine
while you're in prison.'
302
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:04,532
{\an8}What you do is you take
a plastic bag
303
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,242
{\an8}and you put in a little bit
of water.
304
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,745
{\an8}You put in either raisins
or tomatoes.
305
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,371
You can't put
in too much sugar.
306
00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:11,039
Nobody's gonna complain
it's too sweet.
307
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,374
Scrape that in there.
308
00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:16,211
That's all yeast is,
just a little bit of bread mold.
309
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:19,088
Tie up that bag.
You got to put a straw in it.
310
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:21,007
'cause if it doesn't have
a ventilator
311
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:23,718
for the gas to come out,
that thing's just gonna blow up.
312
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:25,053
Boom! The whole cell will stink.
313
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:27,847
Fourteen days,
leave it under your bunk
314
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,390
and that will ferment,
you got some pretty good wine.
315
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:32,268
You can sell that for, uh,
you can sell for cigarettes.
316
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,979
You can sell
that for not getting ass
317
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:36,564
by some of the bigger fellas.
318
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,360
{\an8}- You got the margaritas?
- Got 'em.
319
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:41,319
{\an8}Let's do it.
320
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:46,449
{\an8}- The margaritas, oh.
- Aw, yeah, alright.
321
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:47,825
Okay.
322
00:13:47,826 --> 00:13:51,371
- Sorry.
- I got margaritas all over.
323
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,873
See ya!
324
00:13:56,001 --> 00:14:02,590
And... here we are, ahh.
325
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:03,008
Bienvenidos.
326
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,763
Casa de Dangle.
What do you think?
327
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,057
What the ***?
328
00:14:11,058 --> 00:14:13,226
What do you mean,
"What the ***?"
329
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,563
Dangle, we just moved 45 feet.
330
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,147
You could have done all this
♪ yourself.
331
00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:18,940
No, we moved like 100,
we moved like 100
332
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,859
over a, over a 100 feet.
333
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,152
I've dealt with your
damn advances for years now
334
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:25,697
and I'm-I'm sick of it, okay?
335
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,324
I'm sick of it.
I'm straight, okay?
336
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:30,243
You ever heard
of sexual harassment?
337
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,995
You ever hear of that?
338
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,789
What do you take me
for? A punk-ass or what?
339
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:37,458
♪ you, man!
♪ you!
340
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:38,209
I can't believe this!
341
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:41,087
I had *** to do today!
342
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:43,923
I just wanted...
343
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,091
Save that ***.
Just save it, okay? Save that.
344
00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:47,302
I'm so lonely
345
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:50,096
and I didn't have
anybody to help me.
346
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:52,098
A-a-a new low,
a new *** low!
347
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,809
I'm just lonely, that's all.
348
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,020
And I didn't have
anybody to help me.
349
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,609
I'm going inside now.
350
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,073
'I'm sorry if I like you.'
351
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,261
Well, I'll, I'll
try anything once, I guess.
352
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,433
'Hey, Jimmy?'
353
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,020
'Hey, man, I'm s--
I'm sorry.'
354
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,731
'That was...
That was way out of line.'
355
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:45,193
'I-I'm sorry about that, Jim.'
356
00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:48,488
- 'You okay?'
- 'I'm alright.'
357
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:52,200
'I just, uh... got margarita
all over these clothes.'
358
00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:54,410
'Let, let me help you
take that off.'
359
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:58,706
'Wait, hang on, hang on,
I'm gonna put on a record.'
360
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,087
'You got some
on your shirt too.'
361
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:12,053
{\an8}Oh, my goodness gracious.
362
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:16,557
{\an8}That one trustee we had,
the one that came in...
363
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:20,269
{\an8}I think it was
the day before, yesterday?
364
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,563
He's in the cell
on the far right.
365
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:25,066
- Uh! Cute! Oh, my god!
- Isn't he cute?
366
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:29,862
- He is yummy!
- He is very...
367
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:33,783
- He is totally yummy.
- I say muy delicioso.
368
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:36,577
- Oh.
- He cute.
369
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:38,956
I was like,
"When is he gonna be free?"
370
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:41,667
{\an8}Alright.
371
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,129
{\an8}- 'How you doing tonight, sir?'
- 'I'm doing alright.'
372
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,964
We got a call about a week ago
373
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,257
about some UFO activity
in the area
374
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,260
and we just wanted to come
and assure everybody here
375
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:56,222
that, uh, the government
officially is telling us
376
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:58,141
that they were just testing
a new missile.
377
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,143
So that's all that was.
378
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,937
I don't know what the hell
y'all are talking about.
379
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:04,480
We got a call
380
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:07,108
from a couple
of people in the area
381
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,943
that said that they saw UFOs.
382
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,320
Some of them said they saw
a light go across the sky.
383
00:17:11,321 --> 00:17:13,322
- Up here? This sky, right?
- Right here.
384
00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:16,617
Some people said it landed,
and a couple people said
385
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,245
oh, they saw people get sucked
up into it.
386
00:17:19,246 --> 00:17:22,123
But, officially, the government
is saying, "Never happened."
387
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,291
They saw people
get sucked up into it?
388
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,753
So officially, you're okay.
389
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,963
And nothing
is gonna happen to you.
390
00:17:28,964 --> 00:17:32,175
- Alright.
- Unofficially... look out.
391
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:35,970
- Well--
- You take it easy, alright?
392
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,472
Alright, I got y'all's number.
393
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,474
Alrighty.
394
00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:42,268
- Shh.
- I love that joke.
395
00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:45,229
It's too easy.
396
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:47,356
It's like shootin' fish
in a barrel, lady.
397
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:50,568
Alright, we're good,
we're good, we're cool.
398
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,362
That cracks me up every time.
399
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:55,615
Think you should let him
borrow your belt.
400
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,201
White people are crazy.
Y'all hear me?
401
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:04,332
{\an8}'Who can guess
what "Circle the wagons"
means?'
402
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:07,001
{\an8}That is when
you put three bunks
403
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:09,629
{\an8}like the circling up
of the wagons in a wagon train
404
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:10,838
{\an8}in an old cowboy movie
405
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,381
{\an8}and they have the sheets
hanging down
406
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:16,385
so you can't see what's going
on inside the four bunks.
407
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:19,847
And inside the four bunks,
uh, about two dozen boys
408
00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:22,517
just *** the *** out
of this little Mormon kid.
409
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:23,643
Now, they don't want
to break your jaw
410
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:25,186
'cause they want your jaw
to still be able to work.
411
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:27,355
So what it does is
it takes out your teeth
412
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,399
and then they just ♪
the *** out of this boy.
413
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:34,529
{\an8}Uh, we came in, and there wasn't
really anything left.
414
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:37,365
They *** him, *** him,
they *** his back.
415
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,700
They bent up his shoulders
and ♪
416
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:40,409
with the shoulder blades.
417
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,662
♪ up ***, man.
418
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:43,663
We came in here and all
the convicts were like
419
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:46,541
you know, all of them
like, ah, you know...
420
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,376
'"I was *** to death
before we got here."'
421
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,211
'So we couldn't really point
the finger at nobody'
422
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:51,212
''cause it was either all
or nothing'
423
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:55,007
'and you ain't gonna book
two dozen people.'
424
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,592
{\an8}So that's when, you know,
that when we started
425
00:18:56,593 --> 00:19:00,263
{\an8}bolting, uh, bolting the bunks
to the wall like that, uh...
426
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:11,399
{\an8}As you may know or may not know
427
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,943
{\an8}uh, Dangle is in the hospital.
428
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:17,780
- And, uh...
- What happened?
429
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:21,242
He-he can't *** walk, okay?
430
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:22,034
Can we leave it alone?
431
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,954
{\an8}The, uh,
masseuse girl is on the way
432
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:27,373
{\an8}so password is, um,
"It's a deal."
433
00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:31,252
{\an8}I'll say it into the Mike.
Calvary rolls in. "It's a deal."
434
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,212
- Are you a...
- Uh.
435
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,631
You called
for the sensual massage?
436
00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:37,925
Yeah, uh, I-I called for Vivian.
437
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:39,719
Just relax, well, uh...
438
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,096
Vivian is my mother.
439
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:44,265
She sends me out to do
the sensual massage.
440
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:48,311
I'm sure you will, uh, enjoy it.
441
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,775
Okay, okay, okay,
that's a deal.
442
00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:57,320
That's a deal, that's a...
Okay, that's a deal.
443
00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:59,864
Give it a second,
give it a second.
444
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:01,574
{\an8}'Hey, watch this, look at
this.'
445
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:04,453
{\an8}'Pinocchio... and Pinocchio's
popular older brother.'
446
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,790
"Hey, Pinocchio.
Oh, hi!"
447
00:20:09,791 --> 00:20:12,001
"Hey, where's
your older brother?"
448
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,794
"You want something?
Yeah, I've been lying.
449
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:17,924
I've been lying a lot, I lied
five times last night. Whoo!"
450
00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:27,350
{\an8}I was watching you guys
from the lockers
451
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:28,809
{\an8}'cause I was starting
to get suspicious
452
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,144
{\an8}that every time
I went into the shower
453
00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:31,479
{\an8}everybody leaves
all of a sudden.
454
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,105
{\an8}'She's about
to have a seizure.'
455
00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:35,316
{\an8}I'm about to start crying.
456
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:36,567
{\an8}There's a difference between--
457
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:39,445
{\an8}Bite it...
In case it happens.
458
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:42,407
{\an8}- Are you okay, you think?
- Let me check the pulse.
459
00:20:44,242 --> 00:20:47,161
{\an8}Just in case.
Hold. Hold.
460
00:20:47,162 --> 00:20:49,830
{\an8}It's gas, it's gas.
It's not--
461
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:51,332
{\an8}Ew, it is gas.
It is gas.
462
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:53,292
{\an8}Oh.
35689
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