Original subtitles

I don't know, but I hope he doesn't have stingers.

- Was it a fly or was it a bee? - I don't know.

If it had stingers...

I've no problem if there's a fly in the car.

You should drive and I'll look for the flyswatter.

- Where'd he go? - I just saw him!

- Where? - He was on you.

- Is it a fly or is it a bee? - He was on you.

P-p-p-p-p-p...

Hey, dog. Yeah.

'...for which it stands'

one nation under God...

Buddha...

...indivisible

with liberty and justice for all.

Okay.

Amen.

- Wait, what did you say? - 'I said Buddha.'

- You said Buddha? - Mm-hmm.

- 'I didn't say...' - One nation under Buddha?

I didn't say anything when it was your turn to lead it.

- I'm not disrespecting you! - 'Well, that is...'

Not everybody in this country believes in God.

- I do. - 'Well, just because--'

But other people don't

and I think that we should embrace everybody.

Well, then, I suppose at Christmas time

you won't be wanting any gifts, Buddha.

I'm not saying that! Of course, I want gifts.

- Officer! - What's up?

- I'm the one who called. - Okay.

I was just, I was just doing a standard delivery

and the next, next thing I know

this guy's shooting paintballs at me.

- Oh, my gosh! - I-I think I'm bruised.

- Oh, no. Okay. - I got other mail to deliver.

It's like... I don't know what's going on!

- It's like, just like... - Okay.

Oh, my gosh, there he goes again!

- Whoa! - Okay.

Stay low, stay low.

- Holy jeez! - Reno, Reno, this is...

Reno, Reno, this is 14-Allen-28. We got a situation here at the--

I mean, let me in here. I'm hit! I'm hit!

We got a sniper firing paintballs at our vehicle here

not getting out of this...

Someone get over here right away

'cause I'm sorry I'm just not getting paid enough

to deal with this. Thank you.

It's Lieutenant Dangle's moving day

and, uh, he asked all of us to show up, help him move.

Uh, hello, gentlemen. How you doing?

Uh, so what am I gonna do? He's my boss.

Lieutenant.

- 'Hey, hey!' - Ah-ha, this...

- Hey, man. - Yeah.

- What up, Blood? - 'What's going on, man?'

How's it going, Blood? Alright.

Anyway, thanks for coming by, man.

- Hey, hey. - Thanks for coming by.

- Yeah, no problem. - Oh, you smell great, man.

- Great, great. - It's real good.

Hey, so I'm here, let's, uh, let's-let's do this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, awesome.

This is torture. You're not hot in that zip-up?

No, it's pretty breezy, actually...

I got some, I got some other stuff.

- No, I'm fine. - I got...

I got a whole other rig like this if you wanna maybe...

- I'm gonna get you something. - No, no, no.

- You sure? - Know what? Lieutenant?

- 'I'm gonna get you something.' - No.

I'll just take this off, okay?

'Why don't you... Where's everybody?'

You can take your shirt off if you want to.

I might take my shirt off, actually.

It's such a scorcher.

Did, uh, did, uh, Garcia show up or...

- 'No, it's so weird.' - Junior?

Yeah, it's weird. Everybody flaked, I guess.

- I called everybody. - Am I the only one?

And you're the only one here. It's so, it's weird.

Everybody must have flaked, I guess.

'Bunch of flakes. Flaky, flaky, flaky.'

Better not crack the windshield.

- 'You okay, sir?' - 'Stop it! Stop!'

'Yeah, take your time, guys. Come on!'

What do we got, ladies?

Uh, listen, we got a lunatic over here.

He's assaulting a government worker.

I don't know how to handle this situation.

You guys need to take over.

He's got about a 36 caliber cap gun.

Okay, smoke-and-choke cover formation, okay?

- 'Go now! Please, please...' - Hurry! Come on.

- Two, one. Go! Go! Go! Go! - Go already.

No mercy, no mercy, no mercy.

No mercy, no mercy!

Suppressive fire, on my count.

Two, one, go! Hwah!

Aah! Get out of here! Get out of here!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

- 'Come on!' - I got you!

No mercy! No mercy!

- 'Aah!' - Whoo!

- Freeze! - I give up.

- I... - That's it, put it down!

I said I give up! What the hell is wrong with you?

Put it down, set it right there, walk on out of here.

Do you not know the rules of that game?

Do you not know the rules of the game?

Hey, hey, hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Aah! I gave up!

'Junior! I just had my hair colored!'

I said I give up!

If you were on the moon and you could *** Wiegel

and then leave her on the moon, you wouldn't *** Wiegel?

Hell no.

Hell, no.

What kind of woman do you like then?

She got all the right parts, just the, the, wiring's screwy.

You know, it's like the flippers work and the bumpers work

it's just the wiring's screwy and the score's all wrong.

Look at you, with your tenderness.

Mmm, my name is Reggie

but all my friends call me Sugarwolf.

I like that!

- Yeah. - Ooh, you just so tender.

Well, let me take a look at you, let me take a look at you.

Girl, you could take and put a drink on that thing.

- Stop, stop. Stop. - Damn!

- You are so cute. - Yeah.

But you look so familiar.

You, your name is Calvin.

I used to babysit you. Your mama name is Etta Mae.

Am I right?

Is your name Calvin?

Miss Raineesha?

Come on now! Get the hell out. Oh, my god!

I always told you when I used to keep

you and your little brother

"Be the best, whatever you do in life."

Didn't Miss, Miss Raineesha tell you?

B-b-be the best.

Be the best.

I'm gonna see if you really the best at...

At what you do.

Stand up and take your shirt off.

Maybe we should probably just kind...

'You should have something to drink.'

- 'You're gonna get dehydrated.' - Chip-chop.

You know, get it going here.

- I'm gonna get you a drink. - No, I'm good.

- You don't want a drink? - No, I'm fine.

- 'Take a drink.' - I'm... Seriously, I'm fine.

I'm making margaritas!

It's a mix tape!

From Mikano, my buddy gets mix tapes

of all the stuff they play in the foam bar at Mikano.

Yeah.

Moving da-a-a-y!

- Moving da-a-a-y! - Moving da-a-a-y!

Hold up your margarita.

- Margarita-a-a-as. - Margarita-a-a-as.

What do you think of Williams?

Well, you go first, how do you feel about her?

- She bugs the *** out of me. - Me too, I can't stand her.

Bugs the *** out of me, and I try to be nice.

Me, too.

- I try to be nice. - Me, too.

But you know what, the minute you don't laugh

at one of her jokes that isn't really funny

she turns on you.

And she was looking at me, the other day I told Dangle.

I thought she was gonna hit me.

I thought she was gonna bite me.

I thought she was gonna rip the vein right out of my neck.

I thought she was gonna take a machete

and rip my throat out.

She doesn't have a machete.

'What are you doing out here today, Terry?'

What are you doing out here today?

Just, uh, watching over stuff.

Okay, looks like maybe you're doing a little, uh, prostitution

out here today, Terry, is that possible?

I'm so not.

Terry, are you on anything today?

'I'm not, I quit everything.'

I don't even drink.

You seem a little jittery right now, Terry.

Right now, Terry, you're trying to tell me

that you're not on any substance?

I had Skittles.

'You're jittery from Skittles?'

- Yes. - Interesting.

Your eyes are real dilated to me.

They seem to sort of be jogging around a little bit.

Well, have you ever had Skittles? So it's all sugar.

- I heard a rumor. - What's that, Ter?

Mexican werewolves are coming up

from Mexico and selling crack.

- 'We'll get to that--' - If that happens...

We'll get to that, Terry, when that happens.

In the meantime, what we have to deal with is you

and you not being on this corner

not prostituting yourself

and not hopping yourself up on Skittles

which I'm sure is a code name for a new kind of crack.

- It's so not. - Or something.

Anyway, say it, don't spray it, that's my new motto.

'Okay, Terry, why don't you move along?'

- We'll remember that. - Be careful.

God, he's gonna break his neck.

We ought to paint that on the side of our car--

"Say it, don't spray it."

Don't you *** eyeball me!

Cot! Now, ***!

Hey, kids, alright, well, let's, let's go on with the tour.

'Alright, junior deputies'

'uh, as uh, as a future members'

'of the Walshoe County law and enforcement'

'it's, uh, your privilege to get a VIP tour'

a little behind-the-scenes action

a little for-your-eyes-only type of stuff, uh...

This here's a jail cell.

Sorry it smells like jizz

but, uh, I think that's just jizz.

Ah, see this, see this wall up here?

We got the glass partition

'that separates the prisoner from the sheriff's department.'

Anybody got a guess why we don't use

metal bars up there anymore?

It's actually a pretty funny story.

Ah, we had this fella in here, crystal meth tweaker fella.

And he was here all night

and he would stick his head in the toilet

and fill it with water and spit it on the floor.

By morning, there was about a half an inch of water

all over the cell in here.

Then he climbed up there and you see that

uh, that, uh, light fixture?

He yanked it down out of the ceilin'

and he pulled the wires apart.

He attached them to either side of the metal bars.

So in the morning, one of the deputies came in

touched his key to open the damn door and he just

'you know, he blew up like a goddamn s'more.'

'Bam! Just fried that son of a bitch.'

'You could smell the burn all the way through the station.'

His belt buckle, it got so hot, it's like butter.

It just fell right through the leather of his belt.

And it kept going

and it sliced his balls off.

Cauterized those balls, like, as it was going

so there wasn't even a drop of blood.

Two balls on the ground. No blood, cauterized.

Any questions?

Alright, well, let's keep going with the goddamn tour.

- Sheriff. - 'Yeah.'

- I have seen it all. - Hey, hey, you know what?

- Before you judge... - 'What's goin' on?'

Before you judge... You don't know me.

Alright, you don't know me. Can I just say a couple of things?

'Cause I feel like I'm being judged.

'I'm not judging you. I'm not here to judge you, sir.'

I just want to let you know a couple things.

I have a, a, a weird, uh, tan

'cause I play tennis, alright.

That's number one, number two, yes

I have a dildo strapped to my head,

- 'Let me explain something.' - 'Oh, my--'

Hey, you don't know me!

Let me explain something to you, alright?

This is very... You don't know me.

'I, people got different things, alright, you know'

'things that turn you on or whatever, okay?'

I'm not here to find out any of that.

'Okay, look, in my past life, I believe I was something'

'with a horn like a unicorn.'

- 'And I always imagined--' - That's enough.

Let's put a period on the end of that sentence

and we're done talking about that.

Okay, look, look, everyone's got their thing.

They got their thing, right?

They got their little eroticism zones.

- 'You're a gay...' - Alright. You don't know me!

'Wait a minute, wait a minute... Okay, silence.'

I'm putting my heart on my sleeve.

And you're putting something else on your head, sir!

I'm just here to help you.

- Okay, you know what... - I'm here to help you.

Everything about what you just did is wrong.

Ah, not only did you just slap me with brutality

you basically mocked the fact

that I have already put my heart on my sleeve.

I said, "I got a dildo on my head."

You don't have to point it out by slapping *** on my head.

I have to call for backup. I don't have keys for these.

'This is how you make wine if you need'

'to make wine while you're in prison.'

What you do is you take a plastic bag

and you put in a little bit of water.

You put in either raisins or tomatoes.

You can't put in too much sugar.

Nobody's gonna complain it's too sweet.

Scrape that in there.

That's all yeast is, just a little bit of bread mold.

Tie up that bag. You got to put a straw in it.

'cause if it doesn't have a ventilator

for the gas to come out, that thing's just gonna blow up.

Boom! The whole cell will stink.

Fourteen days, leave it under your bunk

and that will ferment, you got some pretty good wine.

You can sell that for, uh, you can sell for cigarettes.

You can sell that for not getting ass

by some of the bigger fellas.

- You got the margaritas? - Got 'em.

Let's do it.

- The margaritas, oh. - Aw, yeah, alright.

Okay.

- Sorry. - I got margaritas all over.

See ya!

And... here we are, ahh.

Bienvenidos.

Casa de Dangle. What do you think?

What the ***?

What do you mean, "What the ***?"

Dangle, we just moved 45 feet.

You could have done all this ♪ yourself.

No, we moved like 100, we moved like 100

over a, over a 100 feet.

I've dealt with your damn advances for years now

and I'm-I'm sick of it, okay?

I'm sick of it. I'm straight, okay?

You ever heard of sexual harassment?

You ever hear of that?

What do you take me for? A punk-ass or what?

♪ you, man! ♪ you!

I can't believe this!

I had *** to do today!

I just wanted...

Save that ***. Just save it, okay? Save that.

I'm so lonely

and I didn't have anybody to help me.

A-a-a new low, a new *** low!

I'm just lonely, that's all.

And I didn't have anybody to help me.

I'm going inside now.

'I'm sorry if I like you.'

Well, I'll, I'll try anything once, I guess.

'Hey, Jimmy?'

'Hey, man, I'm s-- I'm sorry.'

'That was... That was way out of line.'

'I-I'm sorry about that, Jim.'

- 'You okay?' - 'I'm alright.'

'I just, uh... got margarita all over these clothes.'

'Let, let me help you take that off.'

'Wait, hang on, hang on, I'm gonna put on a record.'

'You got some on your shirt too.'

Oh, my goodness gracious.

That one trustee we had, the one that came in...

I think it was the day before, yesterday?

He's in the cell on the far right.

- Uh! Cute! Oh, my god! - Isn't he cute?

- He is yummy! - He is very...

- He is totally yummy. - I say muy delicioso.

- Oh. - He cute.

I was like, "When is he gonna be free?"

Alright.

- 'How you doing tonight, sir?' - 'I'm doing alright.'

We got a call about a week ago

about some UFO activity in the area

and we just wanted to come and assure everybody here

that, uh, the government officially is telling us

that they were just testing a new missile.

So that's all that was.

I don't know what the hell y'all are talking about.

We got a call

from a couple of people in the area

that said that they saw UFOs.

Some of them said they saw a light go across the sky.

- Up here? This sky, right? - Right here.

Some people said it landed, and a couple people said

oh, they saw people get sucked up into it.

But, officially, the government is saying, "Never happened."

They saw people get sucked up into it?

So officially, you're okay.

And nothing is gonna happen to you.

- Alright. - Unofficially... look out.

- Well-- - You take it easy, alright?

Alright, I got y'all's number.

Alrighty.

- Shh. - I love that joke.

It's too easy.

It's like shootin' fish in a barrel, lady.

Alright, we're good, we're good, we're cool.

That cracks me up every time.

Think you should let him borrow your belt.

White people are crazy. Y'all hear me?

'Who can guess what "Circle the wagons" means?'

That is when you put three bunks

like the circling up of the wagons in a wagon train

in an old cowboy movie

and they have the sheets hanging down

so you can't see what's going on inside the four bunks.

And inside the four bunks, uh, about two dozen boys

just *** the *** out of this little Mormon kid.

Now, they don't want to break your jaw

'cause they want your jaw to still be able to work.

So what it does is it takes out your teeth

and then they just ♪ the *** out of this boy.

Uh, we came in, and there wasn't really anything left.

They *** him, *** him, they *** his back.

They bent up his shoulders and ♪

with the shoulder blades.

♪ up ***, man.

We came in here and all the convicts were like

you know, all of them like, ah, you know...

'"I was *** to death before we got here."'

'So we couldn't really point the finger at nobody'

''cause it was either all or nothing'

'and you ain't gonna book two dozen people.'

So that's when, you know, that when we started

bolting, uh, bolting the bunks to the wall like that, uh...

As you may know or may not know

uh, Dangle is in the hospital.

- And, uh... - What happened?

He-he can't *** walk, okay?

Can we leave it alone?

The, uh, masseuse girl is on the way

so password is, um, "It's a deal."

I'll say it into the Mike. Calvary rolls in. "It's a deal."

- Are you a... - Uh.

You called for the sensual massage?

Yeah, uh, I-I called for Vivian.

Just relax, well, uh...

Vivian is my mother.

She sends me out to do the sensual massage.

I'm sure you will, uh, enjoy it.

Okay, okay, okay, that's a deal.

That's a deal, that's a... Okay, that's a deal.

Give it a second, give it a second.

'Hey, watch this, look at this.'

'Pinocchio... and Pinocchio's popular older brother.'

"Hey, Pinocchio. Oh, hi!"

"Hey, where's your older brother?"

"You want something? Yeah, I've been lying.

I've been lying a lot, I lied five times last night. Whoo!"

I was watching you guys from the lockers

'cause I was starting to get suspicious

that every time I went into the shower

everybody leaves all of a sudden.

'She's about to have a seizure.'

I'm about to start crying.

There's a difference between--

Bite it... In case it happens.

- Are you okay, you think? - Let me check the pulse.

Just in case. Hold. Hold.

It's gas, it's gas. It's not--

Ew, it is gas. It is gas.

Oh.