Original subtitles

Yeah, Reno, this is, uh, 11-Charlie-51.

We are northbound on 395.

Uh, purple Lexus, Minnesota plate.

Uh, I-I-W...

Uh, D as in dog.

- It's a vanity plate. - Oh, it's a vanity plate.

- Yeah. - Hold on. "I-I-W-D..."

- "I would die for..." - "I would die for..."

The letter "for you," "I would", uh, "die..."

- "I would die for you." - "I would die for you."

- What was that? "Friends?" - Hell, I don't know.

Oh-ho! Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey, dog. Yeah.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Y-yeah, hi, I read your, uh, your advertisement

in the yellow pages.

Yeah, I was interested in the two...

Exactly. Two-girl fantasy.

Uh, yeah, come in.

Well.

- Uh, I'm a lonely, uh... guy. - Okay.

And I was lookin'...

I was hopin', maybe, I could get a little, uh

a little two-girl fantasy show.

Oh, that's what you... Okay.

- We got that. - Yeah, we got that.

Um, so, maybe I'll, uh, you know.

- You wanna watch. - Right.

- You are so hot. - No, you're hotter.

I love your boobs. I wanna spank you.

- Oh, you are such a bad girl. - Oh, I am.

- You, I mean, y-you are hot. - You are a nasty little girl.

- You're so hot. - You're nasty.

- Okay, um, um, time-out. - Yeah.

Uh...

What?

I'm not buyin' it.

Wait, no, you have to buy it.

No, no, I will, no, no, I w-will pay you.

I will pay you later.

What I'm saying is, I don't...

I'm not buyin' the-the two-girl fantasy, okay?

I'm not even one girl and I know

that's not two-girl fantasy.

What I am is, is a keen observer.

Uh, and I have done a little bit of dinner theater, okay?

Now, I don't, I don't wanna tell you how to do your job

but I do have a couple of notes.

- Okay? - What?

I felt like...

...you were indicating every single thing

you were trying to convey. Well, let's get up again.

Let's get on our feet, let's shake it all out.

Let's shake out that bad last one.

Let's shake out that bad double-girl fantasy.

Let's shake it all out.

Let's get our jaws real loose.

Okay, we're gonna be very present

and we're gonna listen to our instrument for a minute.

- Okay. - Okay, we're gonna listen to...

You don't have to actually hold your boobs.

Jimmy Garcia.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy crack corn.

I don't care.

♪ Jimmy crack corn and I don't care ♪

♪ Jimmy crack corn but I don't ♪

♪ Ca-a-a-re ♪

♪ Oh Jimmy crack corn and I don't care ♪

"My master's gone away," that's the lyric.

Okay, lordy, lordy. Here we go again.

'Here we go again.'

It's the same French guy.

- Alright, sir. Hold on. - 'Hey, oh, oh!'

The problem is this little boy!

And I was here first! I've been here since 6:00 a.m.

This kid showed up and made 45 bucks!

- I haven't earned [beep]! - Don't yell at me.

I don't... I want that little out of here!

I want him out of here! Get out of here!

- Okay. - I was here first!

This is why theater's dead! Watch!

This is why theater's dead!

Hey, that's real glass, ain't it, huh? Huh?

Hey, what's this?

That's your Miranda rights.

You have the right to remain silent.

That was pretty good.

Little

I'm not scared of you, you piece of [beep].

Next time you try that "Walk against the wind"

here, I'm gonna cut your little clown balls off!

This is my house!

- Wooh! - 'Go get him, go get him!'

- I'll hold this. Go ahead. - Wait. No, no, no, no!

Don't you hit him. Don't you hit him! Yeah!

- Yeah! - 'He's got a box cutter!'

Now, we're gonna be present in our instrument.

And double-girl fantasy lights up.

- Be present. - Okay, okay.

- Let's do it. - Yes.

- A lot. - Yes.

- What do you wanna do? - You.

- Me too. - Alright, that's good.

Indicating a little bit with the boobs.

We're indicating a little bit without boob-touching.

We can touch our boobs with our voice and our eyes.

- You are sexy! - You're very hot!

- Now we're yelling. - Uh... Sorry.

We're not doing peking opera

we're doing double-girl fantasy.

And in three, two, one, fade in.

You're very hot.

- That's it. - I think you are so sexy.

I think you're very hot too.

I wanna touch your body.

I think you're very hot.

No, I think that you might be hot.

Wonderful, wonderful. How much is that?

- You're under arrest, girls. - What?

Reno sheriff's department. My name is Officer Garcia.

'Oh, and, uh, next order of business'

you know how we got that $1,200 from the fallen angel program?

We're supposed to be helping people with helping hands

'getting them off the street and what-have-you.'

Uh, I believe by last count

we had gotten no people off the street,

So, Garcia, today, uh

'if you could... get somebody off the street'

'and help them start a new life'...

Otherwise, we have to give back the $1,200

and I, I believe we spent some of it

on the popcorn machine already, so...

Okay.

Okay, and lastly on the agenda, today is the big day.

We're doin' our undercover operation.

We will be going incognito to the Burning Man festival

they have in the desert right outside

of our beloved Reno here.

'Uh, they say it is a festival'

of radical self-expression

but what it really is is an excuse

for people to take LSD.

Alright, we did some research, here, you can see

these are some of the LSD enthusiasts here

on the illegal drugs, so we are going to, uh

go on, uh, deep cover, get out there

try and, uh, buy some LSD

and try and get some of these people in custody.

Why are you guys the only ones that get to go?

Uh, well, I'll be honest, in our research

on the Burning Man festival

there aren't a tremendous amount of ladies that go.

So you all are going to Fagville

and we're here, pickin' up the slack.

Spell what you just said

because I know it was not what I think you said.

So spell it, and then we'll all be absolutely certain

that it wasn't what I think it was.

'You know what? I forgot what I was saying.'

...G-O-I-N-G-T-O F-A-G-V-I-L-L-E.

We are going to Fagville.

So, y'all goin' are out there.

Y'all goin' undercover or are you goin'

you know, in your uniforms?

We're goin' undercover. Nobody...

No one's gonna notice us. We'll blend in perfectly.

Alright, look out, LSD heads.

Here comes Johnny Law. Shotgun.

- Wooh! - Burning Man!

- Burning Man! - Burning Man!

Burning Man!

Burning Man!

I'm gonna do a little one-on-one with a member of the community.

Uh, she's a great human being and a whore.

She's got a wonderful, great, big heart

and a little bit of a crack problem.

So we're gonna take her out, clean her up

see if that makes a difference.

Yeah, right, liars.

Holy [Bleep]. I hate my job.

- 'Hey, how are you, Jackie?' - I'm good. How are you?

- 'How you doin'?' - Fine.

- Don't touch! It's my purse! - I'm not gonna touch it. Okay.

- Alright? - Say what you gotta say.

- I gotta go. - Okay. Hey, look.

- Uh, I wanna do-- - A [beep]?

- No, I don't. - It's two dollars!

Ho, Ho, listen, I'm gonna take you off the streets

we're gonna get you cleaned up. Alright?

I wanna see if i can turn you into...

Make you an upstanding member of the community, okay?

And get you off the streets. Would you like to do that?

Um, yes, please, I would.

Alright, that's... Let's go in the car.

Let me get this. Jackie, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- Don't ho me! - Ow, okay!

It's my birthday, by the way.

Okay.

'I'd like to make a difference'

'in this individual's life and, uh'

'and turn the community around, uh'

'one whore at a time.'

Jackie, don't...

...don't play...

- It's open! - Yeah.

When's this gonna be on?

When's this gonna be on?

Alright, we're doin' a little, uh, drug sting today.

We're going to a head shop, stakin' it out.

Um, I don't know why everybody thinks

I'm the expert on these things.

Testing, testing, test...

testing, one, two, testing.

Alright, thanks, man. Have a good time with that.

'You're selling lube for 50% off?'

- Yeah, it's 50% off. - 'Oh.'

- We got some great flavors. - 'That's great.'

- Watermelon and blueberry. - 'Ooh, I want blueberry.'

'I'll take two of the blueberries.'

'Actually, uh, my name's Tarragon.'

Oh, that's a that's, like, an herb name.

- 'Yeah.' - That's cool.

- 'I-I love the herb, so.' - Yeah.

- And my name's Lon. - 'Hi, Lon.'

- Which is like mowing the... - 'The lawn. I get it.'

Yeah, but it's kind of like mowin' the weeds too

which is kind of funny that I work here.

That is exactly, uh, what I wanted to talk to you about.

Oh, you need, uh, you need somethin'?

I need... I do.

We got, like, bongs and, like, bubblers, sidecars, one-hitters

pukas, um, like, pretty much whatever you want.

I mean, you're lookin' for somethin'

sort of small and compact, or, like--

I'm lookin' for somethin' to, uh

put in any one of those items.

- Uh-huh. - Kind of pack it in there.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, we sell screens.

Is... Does Mary Jane still work in the back?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

No, but we carry Mary Jane gear.

These are cool little holders for your pieces, you know.

You can stick this thing so it doesn't get broken.

What do I need a piece for?

What would I do with a piece?

You know what I'm talkin' about?

Well, like, you can use it to, to...

- For your pleasures. - Right.

Which would...

- Which would... - Be...

A f-fun journey.

Dangle) Alright, it is 1100 hours

and me and my associates are en route to Burning Man.

And I believe that we are lost.

- I'm gonna turn around. - Try and spin it around.

Do you have any idea where we are, guys?

- Any idea at all? - Uh, no, I don't.

This thong is ridin' up my crack real hard

so I'd love to get out there, bust some LSD heads

and then get home. You know what I'm sayin'?

Do you have any herbal supplements?

- Dried herbs that I could... - Uh.

- To, like... - Take me on a journey?

You know what I'm talkin' about.

Like, to put into this little chess piece.

Yes. Now, we're... Yeah.

And then, so it's like, you're not playin' chess

you're playing another...

...another mind game.

- I wanna buy some of that. - You mean, like...

Let me get real specific with you.

I need Mary Jane...

...to mow my lawn.

- Oh, that's my name. - And sweep up the grass.

And put it in a bag.

And I might give her

a dime to...

- Mow your lawn? - Oh.

Do you sell pot? I just really need some pot.

Put your hands up on the glass.

- Whoa okay. - You're under arrest, ma'am.

Uh-huh, you're makin' a mistake here.

I don't think so.

I'm with the Reno sheriff's department.

My name is Deputy Johnson.

You don't believe me, you can...

My badge is in my back pocket. You can reach in and get it.

Do you think any woman carries a purse that big?

- Oh, wow. - You know what I mean?

- You got a camera in there. - It's a camera.

Wow, that's pretty nice.

Once again, this is Reno PD, we know...

Yeah, no, that looks pretty antiquated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- The stone age model. - Yeah.

We've got, actually, this...

...this is a bong camera right here.

It's called the tri-glasser, 'cause it's got a...

...it's got three lenses built into the bong.

- Hey, mom. - Yeah, no, no, say hi, hi, Bob.

- He's in the truck. - Hey, Bob.

I'd flash you, Bob, but, uh, I'm on duty.

Sorry, buddy, sorry.

And you don't wanna see my tits, Bob.

Well, that's too bad. That was gonna be a good bust.

- I thought I had one there. - Damn, I know.

- I thought I did too. - Yeah.

- You sounded so good. - Yeah.

No, I went to voice-over school before I became an agent.

Oh, you did? You can totally tell.

- Really? Oh, thanks. - Totally tell.

I have a, a theory about where we went wrong

which is, um, do you remember when we came to...

There was a fork, and there was a water tower?

Yeah, about like, 15 miles ago.

Yeah, 15 miles back.

And there was a guy, we saw that guy.

The, uh, retarded-looking guy.

Got a guy who looked like he was retarded.

We took a right, and he was like you should...

I think that we should not have asked the retarded fellow

at all.

He seemed like he knew where--

'He seemed like a local boy.'

I'm not arguing that. He definitely seemed local.

He seemed like he was from here.

Yes, but he also seemed retarded, I think.

That's true.

And I think he was just happy to see people

and the pretty costumes and things.

Do you have that, uh

the petty cash I brought?

No.

You guys have, do you guys have any cash on you?

No?

Alright. Three, two--

- Go! - Go, go, go, go, go!

'You didn't pay the check!'

Yeah, we're gonna go to a nice place to eat, okay?

I sat on my cigarette in there.

- Do I have a scar on my ass? - No, I don't wanna see that.

Believe me, you don't.

Jesus christ, this place is [beep] nice!

Don't cuss. No, no, no, no!

Let's go ahead straight to the table, okay?

- 'May I recommend?' - 'Yes.'

Okay, cocktail del pulpo, okay?

That's octopus cocktail. It's really good here.

Sounds like cocktail del poop-o, which...

- Sir, sir... Sh-sh. - The only thing I had...

We're ready to, we're ready to order.

I would like the the camarones rancheros

the ranch-style shrimp, and she's gettin'--

And hello, my name is...

- Let me do it. - Okay.

Now, tell him what you want.

Hi. My name is Jackie, first of all.

Second of all, I was born in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

And third of all, this water tastes like [beep]!

I would like two orders of shrimps with lemon.

Camarones al limón, número seis, por favor.

- Número seis-o, por favor. - That was good.

- Now get the [beep] out! - That was not good.

You did a good, and you did a bad.

You have to do all good, okay?

That guy really stinks like balls.

Would you say thank you to this kind gentleman?

Thank you, senor. I'm sorry that you smell like balls.

Stop doin' that. Sit up straight.

You wanna see what happens when I do this?

Oh my wig falls off.

Now, everybody knows I don't have cancer.

Hey, listen. That's a horse.

'That story doesn't wash.'

'Are you okay?'

'Don't goof around.'

Jackie, stop.

Hey, ho, ho, ho. Are you okay?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Hold still here. Hold still.

- Rape! Rape! - No, no.

- Rape! - I'm not rape... No. No. No.

Okay, we're going. That's it.

I wasn't even really choking

I just did that so I could scream, "Rape!"

- Don't yell "Rape!" - Rape! Rape!

Thank you. I left some, I left some money for you.

Rape!

- That's a nice mesh shirt. - It's a little poncho.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

It looks bad, actually.

The top underneath it is kind of cute.

- You like that? - Wow, that's gorgeous.

- That is tie-dyed, huh? - I like it.

Tie-dyed the hell out of that thing.

Yeah, we've got, there's tons of stuff.

It's not only a smoke shop, but it's also a sex store.

- I noticed that. - Yeah.

They sell, uh, super rocks over there.

They got lube balls, uh, the temptress,

which is an incredible dildo.

Uh, you know, edible panties...

You ever had those?

- Tastes just like-- - I don't wear them of any sort.

- 'Oh.' - How you doing today, sir?

- Uh, good. How are you? - 'I'm fine.'

'You realize you're driving the wrong way'

'down a one-way street, though?'

Oh, no, not at all. It's my wedding day, so...

'Yeah, I see that. Uh, where's your bride, sir?'

- Hi. - 'Oh.'

- 'Would you like to join us?' - No, no, I wouldn't.

- Um, congratulations. - Okay, then. Alright.

Okay, just... move along.

I just don't know why he didn't think to go when I was going.

He didn't have to go then.

Do you have to go?

If you have to go, go now.

No, I can hold it.

Don't hold it.

I don't know if there's gonna be a bathroom when we get there.

If you have to go, go now. Go now, go now. I'm telling you.

I'm giving you a direct order to go use the bathroom.

- What if I don't have to go? - Do you not have to go?

- Or are you holding it? - I can hold it.

Either, either you If you can hold it--

Either my bladder's full, or it isn't, and, you know...

So, you're not gonna go.

I think you're doin' this just to make me mad.

- Okay, Jackie, here we are. - 'Ow!'

Yeah. Okay, sweetie.

- 'Ow!' - I'm sorry about that, honey.

I got my hair caught in my purse.

- Okay, Jackie? - What?

I'm gonna take you inside this halfway home here, okay?

Now, there's people inside here that are gonna

take care of you, okay?

- Ow! - Alright?

You step through that gate there, honey

and that's a step on the path to a new life, alright?

Three hots and a cot for you, okay?

You be good, sweetie. I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, get in the car.

Somebody stole my tissues! Hey!

- Hey! - Sorry.

My bag, it caught on this fence!

Where are you going?

Just go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Jesus Christ. There's no halfway house.

It's halfway between the restaurant I took her to

and where I live.

I'm not a quitter

but that human pile of garbage would make Satan weep.

God vomited and there was Jackie.

I don't believe this.

I do not believe this!

- I'm cold. - Sh-sh.

- I'm sort of naked. - Sh-sh.

Sh-sh. Sh-sh.

You got a gas can back there anywhere?

Is there one in the kit or under the wheel hub or...

Okay.

Let's do it, boys, shoe-leather express.

Not a total wash, really.

We got to have some quality time in the van.

Just the guys, you know.

I'm sorry.

We're gonna laugh about this later. [beep].

- 5-0 - Oh [beep] rollers, rollers.

'Anybody got their badge on them?'

No, where? Where?

Okay, we can talk, or we can run

and I don't think I can run in these shoes...

Why don't you talk to 'em?

- What's going on, gentlemen? - Everything's fine.

- Nothin' to worry about. - Everything's fine, huh?

Why are you guys dressed like that?

Hey, hey, get down! Put down the gas can now!

Get down on the ground! Hands in front of you!

I'm getting down! I'm putting my hands behind my back.

- My hands are behind my back. - Do not move, sir.

- 'Ow, ow.' - What are you doin' out here?

'You're not doing that right.'

Did you just get out of the academy or somethin'?

You wouldn't last five minutes in Reno...

- Watch your head. - 'I'm watching my...'

'I know how to do it. I know how to do it.'

- Mm-mm. - You're gonna choke, okay?

Okay, no smoking.

When I can afford it, I will be getting liposuction.

There's a guy on third street

who says he'll do it for 40 bucks

and he works out of a van so he can come to you

'cause you never know where I might be.

Hey, you know what, one time, last week

I kicked a guy in the balls so hard

it sounded like lobster cooking in a pot.

Why'd you kick the guy in the balls?

A lady doesn't kick people in the balls.

He wanted me to. It was three dollars.

You can't give up three dollars.

We're not all billionares.