Original subtitles

We got a call about a nude sunbather.

I bet you anything it ain't nobody black.

- Oh! Ho-ho! - Uh...

Sorry, sir, you're gonna have to cover that up, please.

- Oh, hey, girls. How you doing? - Dangle?

- 'Hi.' - 'Oh, oh, oh!'

- There's a scorcher, huh? - Yeah.

Whoo, doggy!

- 'Mm.' - Hey, Joe.

You want a mojito or somethin'? Joe?

Hey, dog. Yeah.

'Okay, next order of business...'

'Oh, as many of you know, uh'

today is Deputy James Garcia's 15th year

with the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Hey. Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

- Like, you just wanna do a... - 'I'm sorry.'

'If you're planning some big to do'

just, you know, knock it off right now.

Nip it in the bud 'cause again, I'm just gonna go home

have me a TV dinner and, and that's it, so okay.

We weren't planning on anything.

Well, now, okay, moving right along, uh

they're-they're taking the cigarette machine

out of the, uh, break room today.

'You know, why would anybody, uh...'

Why would anybody wanna celebrate, uh...

...hanging out in the same place...

...15 years

'dealing with the same stupid criminals'

on the street every day and...

...look back and, uh, say

'"Hey, what have I done? Not much."'

"Hey, where'd the years go? I don't know." Uh...

You're older and slower and one day closer to death

and, uh... I just don't know if that's something

you wanna blow up a balloon for or light a candle.

See you later.

You know...

'I guess now we gotta get balloons and candles.'

'Baby wants a bottle.'

Baby wants a party, it sounds like.

whatever, let's not spend too much

whatever we do, okay?

I think Garcia's lasted for 15 years, um

mostly because he sort of runs on, uh

pure unadulterated anger

kind of like how I run on, um, terror

and sort of genuine malaise and misery.

I guess, uh, some pit bulls are happy

even when they're tearing apart a little child.

And in that sense, Garcia's probably very happy.

Let's get 'em. Let's go.

Get out of here! Get out of here!

- Sheriff's Department. - Calm down. Calm down.

'Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down, slow down.'

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.

- 'Ow!' - Hey, hey, come on.

- Alright. - Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Alright. Alright.

- 'Put the bat down.' - 'Alright!'

Alright, alright. Come on, come on, come on now.

- Now, it's over, it's over. - Hey. Hey.

- Just-just get off him. - You leave my family alone!

- You leave my family alone! - Whoa!

Alright! Now, that's it!

'You, you're coming with me!'

Get him, Garcia. Get him, Wiegel.

- 'You're going in?' - 'Uh-uh.'

- You okay? - 'Yeah, I'm fine.'

- Get off me! - Alright.

- That's a real good fight. - 'I got scared!'

- That was cool. Alright. - 'Whoo!'

- Hell, yeah. - Man!

Man, did you see me go against that car? Wham!

'She hit you pretty hard.'

Did y'all see me when I, when I shot the gun?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, could I get a copy of me going through that window

just so I can send to my friends and stuff?

- That was real good. - 'Oh, real good.'

I don't know if I saw... I didn't see that.

- What? - 'I don't know.'

- You didn't get that? - You got that, didn't ya?

Well, I got hit by a piece of wood, then I got kinda scared.

Did you get me going through the window?

- Dead battery. - Oh!

The coolest damn thing that happened to me.

Since your cameras have been around.

I went through a goddamn window.

You know what?

We could, uh, we could let 'em out again.

We just let 'em out.

They're gonna fight again. Just let 'em out.

- Do it. Do it. Let's do it. - You won't get it again.

- I know where it's... - You go put him...

You let Tony out of the car, I'll give you a signal

and they can start fighting. I'll go over to the porch.

The signal is, uh, I'll say, "Signal."

I can't, I'm not understand--

Sheriff's Department! Sheriff's Department!

Thank you, thank you.

Hi. We got a call. Uh, so who's been assaulted?

- 'I called.' - 'There was an assault?'

They came up to the front desk. They asked me for change.

He tried to short-change me, so I slapped him across the face.

Then I slapped him, and then I slapped her, too.

- I slapped both of them. - In one move or...

- In one move, just boom! - One double slap?

Double, it became a double slap.

- So double slap. - It didn't start that way.

That was not-uh... An unintentional double slap.

Yes, it was completely unintentional.

I had no intention of slapping her

but I'm telling you, I was so angry

that if my arms were long enough

'I would have slapped the two kids, too.'

We have a contest at our hotel

that, uh, whoever works at the front desk

well, if they get, like, an even balance

if their bank is even...

You get some kind of prize.

- We get to win tickets. - Okay, so there's a prize.

There's a prize, we get to win tickets

to whos-ever performing in the ballroom. We get to go see them.

- Who's playing? - Uh, Amy Grant.

And I'm not gonna, I am not missing Amy Grant.

I've only won that contest one time

and it was Ray Parker Jr. and that sucked!

- I am not... - Well, well...

Do you know who's performing next month after Amy Grant?

- It's, it's Eddie Rabbit. - Oh, well...

- No. Yuck. - You're right. Yeah.

I'm gonna give them a warning about...

I'm not really sure what I'm gonna warn them about

because it seems like things kind of add up, but...

'But they're clearly the scam artists.'

Very possible, it's very, very possible that they are

but, um, uh, before I do that, uh...

- Uh... - Yeah?

Who are you going to Amy Grant with?

Signal. There you go, boy.

Esta libre, go get 'em. Here they are. Here they are.

- 'Johnny!' - Run!

- 'Johnny!' - Run, run, run!

You stop in the name of the law! You get off of him.

- You get off... - Get off of him!

Ow! You don't get to kick me.

Johnny! Let him go!

Alright!

'Stop in the name of the law!'

And right now the law is Raineesha Williams!

Huh? Huh? Huh?

- 'I got your name.' - 'Hey! Hey!'

'The bad boys are in our custody. Should we do it again?'

- Fifteen years is a long time. - Yes, ma'am.

In case you guys were...

- 'We're not planning anything.' - Nope?

In fact, I wanted to do something

not so much because I care about you

but because I have a new recipe

for cinnamon red-hot Jell-O salad

and I figured I could do

a 15 Jell-O in the shape of a 15

in a mold. I got all excited about it.

I even went to look for the molds.

They didn't even have, all they had was a 7 and a 2.

- Wow, you smell good. - Oh, thank you.

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Oh, wow!

Uh, uh, well, I'm just really...

- We got you a pinata. - Thank you. Well, uh...

Come on, come on!

Figured you're Mexican and all, you'd like it.

Okay. Whoa.

- 'Spin him, spin him good.' - Oh, boy.

- I'm borracho right now. - Three...

- Alright. Okay. - Okay. Okay.

- Left. Left. - No, no.

- 'A little left. Up.' - 'Right.'

- Am I good? - 'Up and left.'

- Am I good? - 'A little more left.'

- 'Yes, yes, yes.' - 'Adios.'

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Back. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Want to take the blindfold off?

Well, alright, alright.

Okay, not that I need to.

Now we got it. Now we got it.

- It's time. - 'Alright.'

'Okay, you SOB.'

'Ha-ha-ha. Whoo-hoo!'

- 'You are a [bleep] idiot.' - 'Shh.'

Don't be hard on yourself. Don't be hard on yourself.

'Jones.'

- You know what? - What? I'm sorry.

I will not let some little odd papier mache of pendejo

with a smile on his face

ruin my 15-year, uh, anniversary, okay?

Yeah! Who's smiling now, pendejo?

Mother[bleep]! Yeah! Who's smiling now?

you! This is my 15 year!

Mine! Whoo! Whoo!

yeah! Yeah! Who's smiling now?

'Let's have a beer. Let's have a beer, everybody.'

I was out here, I was selling some, uh, nachos

and some Sprites.

And I was giving him some money

and his change back

and then I gave him some more money I had in my hand.

He grabbed all of it.

And once he put it in his pocket, he took his coat

opened it up and exposed himself

and underneath it he was, he was naked

and I saw his penis and, and the scrotums.

Now, I know you're, you're a little shaken up right now

but, uh, would he have flashed you first

and then grabbed the money?

'Cause to me that's what makes sense

like, here's my dick, I'm taking your money, because...

- We get a lot of that. - 'Right.'

We haven't had any, I'm taking the money, here's my dick.

I'm [bleep], I'm recalling this in the correct order

and I'm sorry if you guys want to go and embellish it

but I'm telling you what honestly

I'm just telling you what happened to me.

So it was definitely a, I'm taking the money...

It was, a robbery and then it was penis, in that order.

Stealing and penis, stealing, penis, stealing, penis.

Do I think Garcia's a happy man?

- Oh, God, no. - Oh, heavens.

- Oh. - Oh, Lord.

Uh, Garcia, in his off time

plays first-person police shooting games.

- Really? - Yo.

Would it be third, though?

- 'Third person?' - Because he's a police officer?

Yeah.

Wait. Third person is, t-they...

I'm Garcia and I am going...

No, it's still first person 'cause he's there.

Uh, can you give a description about what the...

Well, it was a very long

kind of like a pink

nude pink garden hose.

- So it, so it was real skinny? - It was real skinny.

It wasn't pointing downwards, it was going outwards?

Well, at first. Funny you should ask.

Funny you should ask because at first it started south

and then it just goes right up

pointing at me like, "Hey, you, you're in my way."

How long did this whole episode take?

Oh, less than, probably, 20 seconds.

- So we're talking... - Bam!

It was, it was like Emeril going bam with his garlic.

If I was on my knees, again, it would have been right here

right there, and then, again the Burberry coat was opened up.

Oh, but you didn't say it was a Burberry coat.

Oh, um, excuse me. I overlooked that.

You don't see a lot of Burberry in Reno.

You see a lot of members only.

And I'll tell you what, ma'am

we are gonna tell you that we are gonna try our best.

That's what we're gonna tell you.

- We'll try our best. - Why don't you...

- Thank you. - There you go.

We aim to try...

"We aim to try," that's our motto.

That's what our motto is becoming.

- How we doing, guys? - 'Good. We read you.'

- 'We're good.' - We read you.

- You check your mic? - How's my mic?

- Check. Yeah. - Check. Check, one, two.

We read you. We read you. Okay.

- 'Ding dong.' - 'Hello. Hi.'

'We got, uh, Deputy Jones here running a prostitution sting.'

'And as soon as he gets her to say'

'that she will have sex with him for money, we will swoop in.'

- Okay. - 'Relax.'

'Uh, let me close the door here.'

I'm gonna take this off if you don't mind.

Oh, sure. Why not? Yeah. Relax.

God, you are really pretty.

- Thank you. - You're really, really pretty.

- You're really cute. - Thank you. Um...

- You're... really cute. - Thank you.

I'm like, I walked in here, and I was like...

- Did you feel that, too? Yeah. - Yes?

And when you walked in, I was like, wow

that's a breath of fresh air.

- You're pretty close. - That's close.

- Here's money for sex. - Your legs are so cut.

- What do you do for a living? - I am a, I'm a gym teacher.

- 'Oh, really?' - What the hell?

- 'What grade do you teach?' - 'Uh, uh...'

'Forth grade through, uh, eighth.'

And I make a lot of money and here is some of it for sex.

Do you want a foot massage?

- You'd give me a foot massage? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, come on.

You are never gonna figure those shoes out.

- Buster. - I will, I will. Oh, jeez.

It's his Achilles' heel. White girls with a big backyard.

Could I need some, uh, cashew chicken and, uh...

Now, what else did we want? Uh, wontons?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

It's like watching a damn porno

with all the porno cut out.

Hey, happy 15 years to me.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. - Alright. Yeah.

- Happy 15th anniversary. - Happy 15th anniversary.

- Yeah. - Cop for 15 years.

Fifteen years of my ***ing life.

And here I am with my buddies, quote, unquote.

'Hey, you've had a very, very good 15-year run.'

You're a good cop, Garcia.

- You've done well. - Yeah.

- 'Thanks, fellows.' - You've, you've done a lot.

Yeah? What have I done, Dangle?

'You, uh...'

...done a lot of good.

'You know what I've done, Dangle?'

You figured out, uh, you figured out that, uh

hand drier, that new hand drier we got at the station.

- Nobody else... - Push, no. Push, no.

You know what I did, Dangle?

'I managed to piss off an ex-wife'

'and... make a daughter'

who don't write me for ten years.

- You have a daughter? - Had.

Come on, cheer up. Let's bust a hooker, alright?

- Wrong number. - Hey.

Um, guys... bad news.

She's, she's not a, she's not an escort.

- Oh, shit! - She isn't a hooker.

- Really? - She isn't.

I'm just gonna... Yeah, I'm, I'm...

She's a good kid.

I'm just gonna get her home

take her to the cab, you know, get a taxi, get her home.

But, uh, could I get 350 bucks?

Garcia having a daughter was absolutely a news flash to me.

- Really? - Oh, yeah. You knew that?

He talks endlessly in the car about it.

- 'Really?' - Yeah.

The part I don't understand is that there's a woman

who... would make

the sex act with him.

- The effort, yeah. I mean... - 'No.'

'Not even the effort, even be present.'

Hey, can you imagine how angry that sex would be?

Oh, God.

You ever heard him in the john?

When Garcia's in the john, just making a, making a deuce?

Phew!

- Hey. - It's like Normandy.

Reno Sheriff Department!

Hello, sir. Are you Gene Labelle?

Yes, ma'am.

Um, we have a warrant for your arrest.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with us, sir.

- Okay, I'll-I'll be glad to. - Alright, let's...

Hey, can I, can I put on my, uh, pants a-and a hat?

Would you please put your pants on?

I think that would be fine, sir.

- Thank you, ma'am. - Okay.

We're gonna come on in and wait.

- Yeah, yeah, come on in. - Okay.

- My home is your home. - Oh, thank you, sir.

- He's not gonna go anywhere. - No.

- Uh, nice house. - Ooh, chips.

Hm.

You'll never get me alive, bitches!

- 'Oh! Oh, no!' - Yeah!

Hey! Get him!

Mr. Labelle!

You can't! Sir, you're evading arrest!

- That's illegal, sir! - Get him!

I will hunt you down and beat the living crap out of you!

I have to wait until he runs out of gas!

Garcia has a daughter?

Uh...

I had no idea. I had no idea.

I would imagine...

...she must have a humpback or something or...

Hey, could I, could I get my friend here a...

Yeah, get him a, get him a...

Champagne room! Champagne room!

- Man. - Come on.

I know, why don't we go, uh, why don't we go to the park

and beat up some of them pot dealers?

Hey, you love that! You love that!

A little stick time. A little stick time.

You love that!

I don't know what's going on inside that old caboose here.

Just a little bit down in the dumps, I guess.

Uh, Summer, Cinnamon, Diamond, everybody here

we want to celebrate 15 years of James, um...

Well, you have a middle name, right?

- What's your middle name? - Huh?

- Oswaldo. - Oswaldo.

Yes. O-S-W-A-L-D-O. Oswaldo.

- Huh. - So cute!

- Okay, James Oswaldo Garcia. - Here we go. Here we go.

- Hear! Hear! - Thank you, guys.

Excuse me. You're James Oswaldo Garcia?

Uh, yes, ma'am, I am.

Daddy, it's me!

- Trina! - Oh, my God!

- How are you, daddy? - Oh, my...

Oh, my God! Trina!

- How have you been? - Oh, sweet...

- My God, Trina! - It's so good to see you.

- 'Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!' - 'How have you been?'

What has it been, like, ten years?

Trina. Man, you're all grown up. Look, at you.

- Oh, my God! - And I got your letters.

- This is my daughter. - How are you?

- This is my daughter. - Hi, hoo!

- 'We work with your daddy.' - 'Oh, my God!'

This is very sweet.

What a happy reunion.

- Great night for him. - Yeah.

I don't think I've ever seen him this happy as he is.

- Never. - I've never seen him happy.

- 'Really.' - 'No?'

How much did you have to pay that girl

to say that, uh, she was his daughter?

- Eighty bucks. - Eighty bucks?

- That ain't bad. - That's cheap.

- Pretty cheap. - Yeah.

Worth it.

What he don't know won't hurt him.

- Are you okay to drive? - Uh...

- Yeah, I'm okay to drive. - Or you want me to drive?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm just a little, uh...

- How much you had to drink? - I had, uh...

What did I have? I had, uh...

I had 11 beers, and I had, uh

and I had a couple of cosmopolitans.

- I'm fine. - Yeah, you're good.

'I'm good.'

'I got some whip-its over at my place if we want to, uh...'

- You got whip-its? - 'Yeah.'

- Watch the door. - Uh, I'll do some whip-its.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

I haven't done whip-its in a coon's age.

Um. Where's the lights? I'm a little [bleep] up.

What did you say? Coon's age?

- 'It's an expression.' - That's an expression.

- It's not a black thing. - 'No, like, what does it mean?'

- Yeah. - I don't know.

It just means coon's age.

All I said was I haven't done whip-its in a coon's age.