Original subtitles

Reno, this is 41-Frank-15.

We're in hot pursuit of a brown Nissan Stanza

Nevada license W-U-V.

- It's a vanity plate. "WUV." - It's a vanity plate.

- It's "WUV." - WUV my--

- W-UV. WUV me. - WUV...

- WUV me. WUV me. - WUV me. W-WUV me.

- WUV my... Love my... - WUV, WUV my K9.

- Love my K9. Love my dog. - Love my K9.

- He loves his dog. - Oh, that is so gross.

- I'm gonna vomit. - Stop! Car! Stop! F...

Oh-ho! Oh-ho-ho.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey! Hey!

Oh-ho! Ho!

'Once again, I got no sleep last night.'

Oh, here we go.

Nice. Nice!

Just my boyfriend, everybody.

It's just Steed, the love of my life.

What did you do now?

This is so embarrassing.

- Clemmy-- - What? What did you do now?

What did you steal?

I got to tell you somethin'. I got to come clean.

'I come here to propose blissful matrimony to you'

down on bended knee.

Clemmy, I know we've been through

some hard times together, uh...

Oh, my God.

Maybe more to come, but, uh

I think now we've made a real turn

uh, almost a complete U-turn.

Uh, maybe not a complete U-turn

but, like, a hard, very hard right turn.

'I want you to marry me, Clemmy.'

I got it at JCPenny.

Oh, my God.

'This is not happening.'

Oh, my God.

Yes, by the way. Yes, yes.

Oh, my God.

Is there, like, an empty cell we can use for a couple of...

Well...

Is there? Just for a couple of minutes.

No. No. Take it outside.

When I met him, first week...

And this is a, this is a true story. First week...

I got "Steed" tattooed across my back.

But then he pissed me off the next week

and then I changed... I had to change it.

And so, I just put...

I kind of had them do an "X" through the "D"

and it says "Steely Dan."

Are we ready to get married?

You know, I... Was I ready to come to work today?

The thing about Clemmy marrying Steed is this

people can do whatever they want to do.

You know, we don't live in Communist China.

You know, I'm not gonna tell her

"Hey, this is a bad guy with a rap sheet.

"This is a guy who's, you know

"an attempted arsonist

a repeat "B and E."

You know, is that my place to say

"Hey, this guy

"was wanted on statch a couple years back?

"Hey, this guy, you know

shot his cousin, you know, back in '81?"

Well, that's not my... People can do whatever they want.

This isn't Communist China.

- Sheriff's department. - Sheriff's department, sir.

'Uh, who is it?'

- Sheriff's department. - Sheriff's department, sir.

- Hi. Can I help you? - 'Yeah, you can help us.'

Uh, look, we're shooting a movie right now.

This is really not the best time.

We're gonna wrap probably in about 10 to 15 minutes

if you guys wanna go grab a soda or something--

Sir, we've been getting some noise

uh, complaints from, from suite number four here.

You-you have been because there's been a lot of people

knocking on my door

and we are shooting... We're shooting Verite.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with that term

but that means "Real."

You know what's not real, is a couple of knuckleheads

you know what, with my movie.

You know what's real, sir, is we're gonna come inside

'cause your checkout time's 12:00

and it's now 8:00 in the p.m., okay?

- So, uh, that's real now. - Why don't you open up?

Okay, fine.

Cut! Cut!

Some people from the police department

would like to see what a real movie is all about.

- This is art, alright? - 'Clear out of the room.'

Do you understand where I live?

I live in America.

And in America, you can do what you want

and the Nazis can't come inside and [bleep] with your film.

You know what?

Greased pig.

It's love oil, [bleep].

Son of a bitch!

♪ Oh say can you see... ♪

'Don't you sing the anthem!'

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

Don't you sing the anthem, sir!

You want soap?

No! You don't sing the anthem.

Damn, this guy weighs, like...

Yes. Say it. Say it!

- No-- - Say it!

Don't... I'm fat.

- I'm a fat [bleep]. - No, you're not fat.

- No. - No, I'm not?

- No, you're not fat. - I'm not fat?

- Really? Look at me! - Yeah.

- Are you blind? - No.

I'm as big as a house!

'Let go!'

Okay, I'll rent the room.

I'll rent the room for another day, okay?

No. We're not negotiating anymore, sir.

No! No! Get... No! No! Hold up!

Alright.

So long. Everybody, back to one!

Yeah, Reno 11-Charlie-51.

Send us the fire department over to the desert sands.

- 'He's got your stick.' - you.

you two times.

What? What?

Oh, do you want that?

Oh!

Oh, [bleep].

Clemmy and I met at a G.E.D. class.

Uh, that's graduate equivalent degree... Diploma.

And he passed me a note. Graduate...

Graduate equivalency degree. You got it right the first time.

Degree? Uh, I passed her a note...

He passed me a note, and it said, "I think you're hot."

And I passed him a note, and I said

"I don't need you to tell me that."

I am planning a bachelorette party for you.

Strippers.

Alright.

You have a preference? Black? White?

I like them all.

I like black. I like white.

I like black.

Just don't get me any Pacific Islanders.

I don't get it. I don't get that.

'Okay, hi, gang.'

Uh, my name is Lieutenant Jim Dangle

and this is my associate, Deputy Travis Junior.

We're from the Reno Sheriff's department.

And today we're gonna talk about

a scary and deadly and dangerous drug

that's out on the streets.

It's a killer.

It's a plague that's sweeping the nation

and it's called crystal methamphetamine.

'Crystal methamphetamine is a terrible, terrible drug'

'and does a lot of terrible things to you.'

Now, we're gonna talk about

some of those terrible things it does to you

but in kind of a fun way, so follow along.

And as soon as you know the words, sing along right with me.

♪ You can monkey with a gibbon ♪

♪ You can fiddle with a bow ♪

♪ But before you snort that crystal meth ♪

♪ There's some things that you should know ♪

♪ Meth is made from antihistamines ♪

♪ In basement labs it's cooked ♪

♪ And possession is a felony ♪

♪ Which means that you'll get booked ♪

♪ With a snort it zips right up your nose ♪

♪ And eats away your brain ♪

♪ It kills your sense of good and evil ♪

♪ And it makes you go insane ♪

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ So don't meth with Meth Beth ♪

♪ Don't meth with Meth Seth ♪

♪ Don't meth with Meth Gwyneth ♪

♪ Don't meth with crystal meth ♪

'Any questions?'

We got another, uh, 45 minutes to kill.

Uh, any requests?

Anybody?

I know some Rush, and I know a, a lot of Floyd.

- Hello. - How you doing today, ma'am?

Hi. I'm terrific. How are you guys doing?

- We're doing good. - Just great.

Sorry for the holdup, guys.

- It's alright. - I knew I, I held you up.

That's probably a crime, isn't it?

- Not at all. No problem. - But could you hurry up?

'Cause we got a lot of crime to--

Can you believe $9 for tacos?

I mean, that's highway robbery, isn't it?

No, it's not bad, actually.

- Highway robbery. - 'It's a fair price, actually.'

- Here you go, guys. - Okay.

Oh! Got it. Oh!

- Got it? - Yeah.

Hope it's not a crime to make you wait.

Not at all, ma'am. You have a good day.

Do I have taco in my teeth? Huh? Huh?

- No, I don't think so. - 'Thank you.'

Bye-bye.

Well, she's kind of jittery, huh?

Well, I got a note here.

"Well, officer, there are two armed men inside."

I hope there's two-armed men back there.

A one-armed guy is not gonna be able to make a taco.

This here, actually, is my plot. Um...

Obviously, there's nobody in it yet

but... God willing, there will be.

Hi, mom.

My mom started collecting Beanie Babies...

...about four years after she died.

I used to leave them out here.

In fact, I had a whole collection, uh, for her.

Um, she had a great Princess Diana bear.

Those are a fortune.

I had a hard time getting her that one.

She was really excited when I did finally get it.

Um... and I left him out here

you know, thinking this is a sacred place, and, uh...

...some [bleep] kid took him, I think.

I have real dark skin.

My mom was real light-skinned.

She was an Irish... girl.

I have real dark skin 'cause I was apparently, so they say...

I was raped... My-my mother was raped by an American Indian.

They're talking about putting more, uh...

Asian people in here.

And, uh

I put up a flyer, um...

Of course, without my name on it or any information

saying, you know

"Let's try and keep..."

In so many words, "Let's try and keep the Asians out."

And I haven't heard anything back.

But then again, I didn't put my name or any phone number on it

so I don't know how I would hear back.

'Here, wait. I gotta have my head...'

'I got to get down lower. There we go. Medusa.'

'And then I go up, and... Oh, yeah.'

'Yeah.'

Look at that. That's pretty damn cool.

- Oh, man of mystery. - Yeah.

Oh, go away, you evil Greek guy.

Alright.

You have been cursed by the evil Medusa.

You have been cursed.

Hey, how 'bout the people who had to go to the bathroom?

Whoo!

Oh, sorry, sorry!

I have a speech that I would like to make.

Well, go ahead on, girl!

Well, truth be told, this is the first party

I've ever been invited to.

Don't laugh.

- I'm sorry for-- - Shh!

It's, like, why did we invite her?

I don't know Steed very well...

...but my motto is, don't judge a book by its cover.

- Okay, girl. - Alright, that's...

Whoo!

I was waiting tonight to tell you this

'cause I decided this, like, a week ago, that, um...

Once you guys decide you want to have children

I will sleep with Steed

for as many times as it takes to get me pregnant

until I give birth and give you that baby.

''Cause you deserve to be a mom. You really fricking do.'

I'm gonna tell you right now, white people are crazy.

- 'Cheers.' - Crazy and nasty.

All that to say, I'm really excited

that you guys are here today.

And that you don't feel

like there's a competition.

'Cause it's not about a competition.

Because we know who the winner is in this room

and it's the one who's getting married.

Son of a bitch, this guy is drunk as a skunk

or high as a kite.

Let's check it out.

Put your hands where I can see them!

Hands where I can see them!

Put your hands, passengers, sic 'em!

God damn it it, Steed.

Steed, what the are you doing, man?

You've been weaving all over the road.

'You're driving like a crazy person.'

Steed, step out of the vehicle, will you, please?

Step on out, Steed.

God damn it.

'What are you doing tonight, Steed?'

Uh, Peyote. Mushrooms...

Alright, alright.

- Some crystal meth... - You did what?

Uh, about 28 beers.

What do you got? Don't, don't...

Okay, you got some marijuana.

That is some good [bleep] there.

Steed, you know you can't... What the [bleep], Steed?

God damn. Steed, that's like a pound of marijuana.

- You got a .38. - No, no, no.

- Steed, stop, stop, stop. - Stop, stop, stop, stop.

You're overincriminating yourself.

We weren't even gonna pat you down.

'God damn it, Steed.'

We're gonna pretend we didn't see that.

- No! Hand out of your pocket! - 'Hand out of your pocket!'

You're family. Don't make us shoot you.

- . - What are you doing?

- This is, uh... - What the hell are you doing?

That's brown heroin. This is, uh...

You know, we weren't even gonna search you.

I didn't even want to know what was in your pockets.

'Make sure you keep the cap on that.'

You're getting married in, like, 12 hours, man.

'You just don't know when to quit, do you'

I'll be real honest with you, I don't know when...

No, I've got some problems.

Going through the A.A. Twelve-step...

'You ain't doing too good.'

Which step is the four pounds of marijuana?

- 'Which step is that?' - 'Steed, just cool off, okay?'

Just freeze right there. Freeze.

- Travis, come here, man. - No, we got it.

'Travis, come here.'

Don't go nowhere. Don't go nowhere.

I, for one, am not gonna be the guy

who takes Clemmy's husband-to-be in

the night before his nuptials.

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do this to that woman.

We'll dump the stuff, and we'll let him go, okay?

- We'll let him go? - We're not gonna let him drive.

But we're gonna dump the stuff and let him go.

She ain't gonna do no better. You're right.

'No better than Steed. He's no prize, but neither is she.'

'Come on.'

Okay, Steed, we've talked it over

and I just want to say...

- Ah! - Oh! [bleep].

God damn it! Are you... Steed!

Ah!

Oh, my God, remember when we...

- What we did with this that... - Yeah, I...

Oh, my gosh.

'I totally remember.'

I got you that. It's a mug with a picture of me.

I had it made at the coffee shop.

It's on both sides, in case you're left-handed.

Anybody want a... Anybody want a hot cup of wang?

'Look at your nails. Those are gorgeous.'

Somebody, at the door!

- How I look? - 'You're working it.'

It's the posse! Whoo!

Um, uh, is it a problem, officer?

Yes, we have a noise complaint.

'Well, was we making too much noise?'

I don't think you was making enough noise.

Oh, baby!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Ladies, we are the men of Mantasia.

You ready for some chocolate-caramel sticks?

You ready for some man meat...

Whoo!

- 'Hold on.' - 'Oh. H-hold on, hold on.'

- Jones? - 'Whoa.'

Hi-hi, Trudy.

What you doing here?

Moonlighting.

Listen, hey, I don't need you looking at me that way, okay?

Uh, if you want another officer, fine, I'll go.

I-I need the money, okay?

No, no, no, no, no.

Jonesy. Officer darling.

I paid for three strippers.

I'm gonna have three strippers. Let's get the party started!

This is a conflict of interest.

On the right! On the right!

Whoo. Whoo. Whoo. Whoo.

Who-o-o-oo!

Whoo! Whoa!

The babies need their bottle?

- Ohh! - 'Ohh!'

Ohh.

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria gratia plena ♪

♪ Ave Dominus ♪

♪ Dominus tecum ♪

I just want to thank you all for coming out

on this egregious occasion.

Uh, I'm a straight-shooting cowboy. You all know that.

I've partied with many of you

oftentimes till 4:00 a.m., shooting down shots of jag.

'Uh... Clemmy, love of my life'

'I always wanted to be in a'

semimonogamous relationship with you.

Uh, looking forward to it.

Uh...

Uh, your tits look great.

That's all.

Clementine.

I love you, and, um...

When one dynamic person meets another dynamic person

it's like a whole lot of dynamite.

'And I promise that, um...'

I will stay in this marriage until we both agree

that we don't want to do it anymore.

I love you.

With this ring...

I don't know how that... There you go.

If there be any here, whatsoever

who knows of a reason

that this man and woman should not be joined

in holy matrimony

speak now or forever hold your peace.

'Then, by the power vested in me by the State of Nevada'

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may now... Oh, there you go.

- 'Whoo!' - 'Alright.'

We're married!

I love you!

Aah!

- They ain't gonna make it. - We're married!

Yeah!

- 'Can we go, or what?' - 'Yeah, let's go.'

Don't come at me with this attitude

like "I'm gonna judge."

What am I doing is none of your business.

I got my cat, Mr. Paws

and I'm gonna make sweet love to this young lady.

Mr. Paws is gonna watch 'cause that's an extension of myself

and that's legal, because that's my choice.

Girl, what happened to you? Did Steed do this to you?

Yes, he did, but you should see what I did to him.

He's in the hospital with his jaw wired shut.

It's all good.

- Oh, my God. - 'Oh, my God.'

Yeah, so...

- 'Are you alright?' - I'm fine. I'm fine.

I mean, we were... We forgot to get a license

so we were never really married, so it's fine.

Clemmy's back, and she's single, and...

And it's all good.

Adolf Hitler was not gay, okay?

- I heard that he was. - No, he was not.

He loved Wagner, and he... He was gay.

'He also had one ball, they say.'

- Yeah. - And he was Jewish.

- 'Yeah.' - Oh, yeah.

And he had one ball.

I think.

That might be just from a song.

- No, he really had one ball. - 'He only had one ball.'

It's in the Museum of Tolerance now.

- 'No, it's not.' - Well, where else would it be?

'They put Hitler's ball in the Museum of Tolerance?'

You got to know where to...

You got to ask, and they'll let you in the back room.