Original subtitles

My husband is an engineer.

'We live by the Eiffel Tower.'

We live by the Eiffel Tower.

'We have two cats.'

We have two cats.

'Everybody loves ham.'

Everybody loves ham.

Excuse me...

...where is the bathroom?

I have a bad stomach.

Excuse me, waiter...

...this glass is dirty.

'We have two cats.'

Oh-ho! Ho-ho-ho-ho.

'Shots fired.'

Oh-ho-ho!

Uh, sad news, as, you, as many of you probably know

Deputy Trudy Wiegel, uh, tried to kill herself

'uh, the night before last.'

- 'She tried to do herself in.' - Oh.

'No, no. She's fine.'

They checked her out at the hospital, and she's okay.

She's gonna be coming back to work, uh, but per

the Sheriff's Department, we're putting her

on 72-hour suicide watch, so we'll all be taking--

Not it! Nope.

We're not doing not it. I already did a board.

I didn't buy lottery--

How come I got three times, I got to watch

and everybody else got two?

Do, do want another assignment? Is that is? Just say so.

- Yes. Thank you. - 'Fine.'

- 'Good.' - I'd love another assignment.

'Garcia, you're not good with Wiegel either'

'so I'm putting you together.'

Uh, Jimmy "the fist" Fitzsimmons might be in town.

His brother's getting married over at

the Desert High Motor Lodge

and we need somebody to go undercover to the wedding.

See if he shows up, nab him.

He's wanted on parole violations.

Me and Garcia?

You don't wanna sit with Wiegel.

You'll shoot Wiegel within three minutes.

- End of story. Done. Do it. - I wanna address something.

Why are we on this side of the table

and Mr. Arroz Con Pollo and, and--

Uh, these get taken first.

'That's 'cause we're always on time.'

'We're here first.'

- 'Cause it's CPT. - 'What is CPT?'

- This is a laugh, this is a... - 'Laughable?'

- What is CPT? - 'Laughable?'

- CPT. - No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Tell me what is CPT, Dangle? - 'Yeah, what is CPT?'

Colored people's time. It's colored people's time.

'Oh.'

'I can't believe you've never heard of that.'

- 'It's like famous.' - It's like famous?

- No, I've never heard of that. - Yeah...

What is colored people's time?

I feel like punching everybody in the face.

What does that mean?

Everybody says it all the time.

- 'Who is everybody?' - 'I never said it.'

People say it.

He's trying to say in a nice way

that you should be on time.

I am, and it came out CPT.

Just 'cause it's faster.

I apologize. It's-it's my problem. It's my fault.

No, it's our fault for being colored people and off time.

It's our fault.

I-I apologize, everybody, for being colored

and a person, and off time.

I've got a file in here somewhere.

Apology accepted, Jones.

Wiegel's suicide attempt, that did not surprise me.

Uh...

And it did not surprise me that she failed at that attempt.

Mike check, mike check. Internet predator, mike check.

Okay, we're all ready.

The minute he propositions me, you come out here.

- Cover my back. - 'Okay.'

I can't do this on my own.

Are you, uh...

Are you, uh, lollipop13?

Yeah. You sugardaddy69?

I sure as heck am.

It's nice to meet you.

How'd you get that name?

- Oh, uh, sugardaddy? - Yeah.

Well, you know, uh, I'm sweet

and, uh, I've always wanted a little girl to call my own.

My ex-wife and I tried, but I'm impotent.

- Oh, that's too bad. - Shooting blanks.

- Yeah, well, check this out. - Yeah.

Let me show you a little something. Look at this.

Ooh, you're gonna show me something?

I spilled my icee all over the front of 'em.

Yeah, I was in the car, and I swerved, and...

- You want me to-- - No, no, don't touch it.

You don't wanna rub it in 'cause it stains.

So I'm just gonna, when I get home, I'm gonna soak it.

I'm telling you something I would.

- I spilled water on my leg. - Oh.

You know, I would love to put my lips on that.

I'd just love to have my lips on that

because I am so thirsty.

I am so thirsty.

You know what, on second thought, I'm not gonna

because I don't want you to catch this--

- That's a good idea. - The chapped lip thing.

So, are we gonna or what?

- Freeze! Freeze! - Go, go, go, go!

- Get down on the ground! - No! I'm with my child there!

- No, no, no, no. - Get down on the ground!

- No, I'm not going to! - Do not resist!

Hey, hey, hey!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, oh, ow!

Aah!

Stop kicking. Stop kicking!

Alright.

- Alright. - That did it.

- Aah! - Stop it!

I don't feel I bear any responsibility

for Wiegel's suicide attempt.

Uh, if you wanna look at the flowchart of blame

let's check out her parents, first of all

who, uh, more than likely just abandoned her.

Then again, who wouldn't?

She's like a bad casserole, you know

that you just wanna forget about.

How about this, uh, gentleman over my shoulder right here?

'Let me take a little look-see.'

'How is everybody doing? Wasn't the bride beautiful?'

'That was a lovely, lovely wedding.'

- 'That ain't him.' - Uh-huh.

You know what, I'll just sit down then.

Truth be told, Garcia

I hope he don't show up before they serve the food

'cause I'm starving.

Okay. Well...

...I hope he shows up before I die of boredom.

I find it hard to believe

that you are the one person in the world

that I don't have nothing in common with.

Well, it shouldn't be hard to believe

'cause I'm smart and you're not.

You owe Raineesha an apology.

- You owe me-- - That's a one...

You know, I can't stand people

that talk about themselves in the third person.

You're right here. Why would you call yourself Raineesha?

To remind yourself you're alive or something?

'Cause when I get up from this table

and whup your natural behind right here, at this thing

you will know who did it.

There won't be no doubt in your mind.

You won't be able to say, "It looked like Raineesha."

No, because it was sure enough Raineesha.

I wanna just take a fork

and just stick it in my neck in a second here.

Well, here, honey, here's a clean one.

- Oops. - No, don't, oh, no...

Don't put cake on me. I don't like that.

'Now, let's bring this thing to the bar.'

'Drinks are on the groom's family.

'Let's go!'

Alrighty then. Now we gotta go to the bar.

Lord, I hate my life.

Hi, mom.

How are you?

I suppose you know, um...

...everybody at the station thinks I tried to kill myself.

I know. I know.

Yeah.

It was just a little misunderstanding

but, uh, what are you gonna do?

Oops.

They've never been nicer to me.

Hi, Trudy. Oh.

- Oh, hi, Jim. - Hi.

How you holding up?

You know, I'm okay, considering I just tried

to commit suicide recently

but other than that, I'm pretty good.

- That's for you. - I'm gonna sit...

I think I'll sit it right over there. I don't want it.

Knock, knock, knock. Someone came to see you.

Surprise.

He doesn't bite. He's dead.

You know, that's... Okay, okay.

Okay.

Okay, let it all out. Let it all...

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay... corral.

Everything's okay at the OK Corral.

You don't want me to touch you.

- 'It's not that I don't--' - You know what I should do?

I don't even know what I was thinking.

- I should go drown myself. - No, no, no, no.

No one's gonna go drown themselves

because we're having such a good time as friends

and I appreciate you being alive so much.

You wanna spoon?

Little spoons in the spoon drawer.

What does the first spoon say?

The first spoon says, uh...

"...I'm glad you didn't kill yourself, second spoon."

And, um...

The second spoon says...

♪ I'm a little teaspoon ♪

♪ Don't mind me ♪

♪ I'll just be here spooning ♪

♪ Waiting for the tea ♪

That's a wonderful thing

for the other spoon to say to the first spoon

in our little spoon drawer.

Fun wedding, huh?

Weddings are kind of nice.

I hate weddings.

You sit up there

look at these two people who you know...

You can look at 'em and tell it ain't gonna work.

Well, yeah, I guess there's that.

Sometimes love conquers all.

Mmm, and sometimes it don't.

I guess that's a weird thing

we're both not hooked up now, so...

You were married, I was married.

That's something in common.

There... Well, there you go. Hot-hot darn.

I'll tell you what, uh

I don't think we're having much luck with our guy here.

We are looking a bit conspicuous just sitting here, so...

I look cute. You look conspicuous.

Well, maybe, well, thank you.

Maybe it would be less so if we just stepped out

on, uh, there in, uh, the dance floor there.

Like this. Then you go like that.

- Okay. - Okay?

Oh, I don't know. Okay.

Alright. I'm gonna get in there.

I think that she may have, uh...

She may be divorced in the past.

- Wiegel? - And she don't tell nobody.

You think that someone married Wiegel at some point?

I do, I do.

You think there was a guy out there

desperate and crazy enough

to buy a ticket for that boat ride?

I think so.

There's a lot of desperate, crazy people out there.

I think so, I mean, no matter how, uh, bad the carnival ride

there's always some son--

Always some son of a bitch who wants to line it?

You're absolutely right. Absolutely right.

Hey, look at all those guys are puking on this ride.

Me next, you know. Hey, well, I got a ticket.

- I'm gonna line up. - You got a ticket. Yeah.

Is this wrapped up real tight?

Go back from the very beginning and just tell us--

I wanna make sure. You gotta wear your seat belt, you know?

I was at the bar having my show drink.

- We get one free drink. - Okay.

- For showing up for work. - 'Show drink.'

- Yeah. - A showing-up drink. Okay.

Loosen you up a little bit.

- I'm getting loose. - Uh-huh. Right.

And, and all of a sudden, I see this guy

and he's getting real close to the stage.

You're not supposed to get real close to the stage

and he was, you know, trying to get a peek at her [bleep].

But we don't show, and she was, you know

she was dancing, and he was, he started to

he started yelling, "Show me the [bleep]!"

Which is a slang term for [bleep].

- Yeah, we... - Right.

- Right. - Which is also a slang.

- They use it on the streets. - Yeah.

And then all of a sudden, he opened his jacket

like Arnold Schwarzenegger or something like that

and he pulled out a gun.

This fella who shot your friend, is it, it's look-see--

Yeah, that's look-see.

She has a lazy eye.

We never know where she looks, and so we just call--

- So you call her look-see. - You call her look-see, right?

- Alright, look-see. - Look-see, I get it.

Hey, hey, could I have a ride home, if you don't mind?

I mean, if you're going my way.

I don't wanna, I don't wanna put you guys out or anything.

'Oh, no, uh, we--'

Hey, fellas, you think you could give Bucky here a ride maybe?

Just, just, uh, not too far.

You're not in a rush, obviously. I mean--

- She's already, uh-- - Yeah, shot in the face.

So, Bucky, you've been a real big help.

Hey, come back, would ya?

Well, I hope we don't, but, uh, I'm sorry--

I'll show you the [bleep].

Yeah.

Trying to train him to find drugs.

Right now, he does not find drugs.

Right now, he'll, uh, he'll find Sloppy Joes, but, uh...

...no real practical purpose for that. The, uh...

What I'm trying to do is I'm trying

to train him to find drugs by I'm doing a mix.

It started with, uh, 80% Sloppy Joe

and 20% marijuana

uh, and gradually adding marijuana to the mix.

Now we're at about, uh, 60% marijuana

40% Sloppy Joe.

He'll find those.

And, uh, goddamn, Sloppy Joes are real good.

Watch this.

Find the Sloppy Joe! Find the Sloppy Joe!

'Yeah. Yeah.'

Yeah. Good boy.

No, no, no. Don't eat it. Don't eat it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Good boy. Good boy. Good boy.

It [bleep] this dog up, man.

He eats it and lays on the ground, humps the air.

That's all he can do.

Good boy. Good boy.

Look, Wiegel, I gotta tell you something.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I don't want you to ever...

I felt so bad when I heard what happened.

And I know you and I...

You know, I'm kidding around with you.

You know, I like to just kind of jerk your chain a little bit

but when I make fun of you or tease you, I'm just kidding.

That's just my way.

I only do that with people that I like.

Well, I don't want you to take it personally

but I did try and kill myself because you made me feel bad.

Oh, [bleep].

Well, I may not be Nostradamus

but I bet my closetful of shoes

that our buddy ain't gonna show up tonight.

That is the first thing you done got right all night, Garcia.

You know, it's been a long night too.

We're just sitting here, wasting time, and eating stupid cake.

Oh, Garcia, Garcia! Why are you still complaining?

You ain't complained all night.

You ain't got free dinner

you ain't got a dance lesson, free drinks.

Mmph!

Alright, amen. Amen. You know what? You're right.

- Thank you. - You're right, okay?

And when a woman's right, a woman's right.

Here, and I don't appreciate what I got sometimes.

Garcia, shut up and kiss me.

'Reno, this is 17-Charlie-12'

here on Bernard way at the, uh, hobby store.

I got a B&E in progress, and I need backup right away.

I'll take the...

The three musketeers.

Is that necessary?

Do we really need a shotgun right now?

Where did you get that, Wiegel?

It was in the back seat, and I just wanna hold it.

Just hold it, and just be quiet, okay?

Okay.

'Sheriff's Department.'

Oh, my God! Look at this place!

Shut up!

Look at this place.

It's like a craft... place.

- Wiegel, be quiet. - I am being quiet.

I was just marveling at the beauty.

You're my best friend. You're my very best friend.

- Thank you. - Okay?

We'll make crafts later if you help us catch the burglar.

Cloisonne for copper enameling!

'Shit! Wiegel!'

That fell. Jonesy!

- What? - Decoupage glue.

They have the glue and the sealer and the matte finish.

Decoupage... Come here.

Decoupage is something that you do

and you trim around it and lay it--

Are we in kindergarten?

Okay, then maybe I'll just go blow my brains out

on the front lawn then?

No, no, no. You're not blowing your brains out, okay?

Just calm down.

Read about it, and...

Plastic pearls!

- What? - 'Lady, I give up.'

I give up. Sorry. I didn't mean to break in.

- 'Wiegel!' - 'Wiegel!'

I did it!

I did something!

Aah!

- 'I shot him!' - Ow!

Oh!

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Okay, okay.

- 'She shot him.' - Hey! Enough.

I'm gonna need an ambulance here

at the, uh, at the, at the hobby store

here on Bernard way.

There's always rumors going around

and it's perfectly natural for people to hook up, and...

I hear I'm not top dog anymore, Garcia... which is fine.

- I didn't know I had-- - Fine with me.

I didn't know I had a list of dogs.

Four, three, two, one.

- Happy life! - Sure.

I mean, who would have thought that a suicide attempt

could actually turn out to be something great for everybody?

Best thing that's ever happened.

- The best thing. - Ohh, me too.

Trudy needs another beer.

I got it. I got it.

Watch out. That's a depressant.

Seriously, seriously, we love you, sweetheart.

We love you very, very much.

And I love you guys.

And I just want to tell you straight up

it was a misunderstanding

and I didn't try to kill myself.

Alright, alright.

Tall, cold one for the tall, hot one.

What? What happened?

You're mad.

Maybe I will [bleep] go try and kill myself now then.

You're all disappointed that I didn't try to kill myself.

Wow!

I'll make you happy this time.

I'm gonna go jump in the [bleep] ocean!

you, [bleep] suckers!

'[bleep] you!'

'[bleep] you, okay? you.'

you!

I'm going to the ocean!

What did I miss?

She can't find her way to the ocean.

She can't find her way to her car.

Bon vivant's not what I'm looking for. What's a bon...

- Like a-- - 'Boner?'

- No. - 'No, a good cup.'

- 'I meant bone chef.' - Don't do that.

- What's Arroz Con Pollo? - I don't like that.

- Arroz con pollo is-- - 'Chicken with rice.'

Why didn't you just say chicken with rice?

Because that's not what it's called

because it wasn't invented in America, okay?

It was invented by the Spanish.

Are you saying that Hispanics developed chicken?

No, sir. They put those two together.

The French discovered, the French discovered chicken.

- And rice is Chinese. - 'Yes.'

Rice with chicken.

Shut with up.

How about it?