Original subtitles

Yeah, 11-Charlie-51, uh, coming in Reno.

We're, uh, suspects, chasing suspect.

395 North. Firing at vehicle.

Officer Jones is returning fire and missing!

- Whoa-ho ho-ho. - Damn it!

Hey, here. Hey, you want my clip?

Right here. Hold-hold the wheel. Hold the wheel.

Whoo!

- Whoa! - Yeah.

- There you go. - Alright.

Whoa! Look out!

Hey, dog. Yeah.

Ho, ho! Ho!

- Oh, wow. There he is, huh? - 'Wow.'

'Oh, okay, gang, I just got off the phone with Carson City...'

...and, uh, it's true the FBI is coming in

to, uh

take a look at the investigation.

So, uh...

...please promise me the most important thing.

Let's not act like dicks in front of the FBI.

Okay? Everybody promise?

'We're gonna be law-enforcement professionals.'

Gimme a "Yes, sir." Gimme a "Yes, sir." Come on.

- Yes, sir. - Thank you. Thank you.

It kind of looks like he's got a boner.

- Let's look and see. - 'No, no, no!'

Don't touch anything until the FBI's here and...

Speak of the devil. Let's get into ranks.

'Yeah, let's form into ranks. Form into ranks.'

- 'What do you mean?' - 'In a line?'

More like ranks, like a...

No, no, I don't mean, I just mean, like, like a professional.

Don't do a conga line. Do like a...

Just stand in a...

Oh, shoot. Now we look stupid. We look stupid.

'Okay, here we go.'

'Alright, uh, good work, team.'

'Good evening.'

- No need to salute. - Of course.

I'm Agent Cowan. This is Agent Richards.

Hi, I'm Lieutenant Dangle and this is...

- Should I go through... - 'No need.'

Okay. Um...

So...

- There's the guy, I guess. - 'That's why we're here.'

'Yeah. Duh.'

So what we're gonna need you guys to do is, uh

get on the other side of that tape and secure the perimeter.

Go stand on the other side of the tape?

Okay, I get it. I'm sorry.

- So we'll just go over there... - Yes, let's do that now.

Thank you for leaping over the evidence.

- 'Okay?' - 'Okay.'

I wanna get some pictures here. I wanna lift some prints.

I want you to check the treads on the sneakers.

'I wanna hear about it right away.'

The thing is, I just don't see what's so great about the FBI.

I know everybody here gets a, you know, a boner

every time they come by.

Um, what's so great about it?

They wear suits and handle the fluids of dead people.

Okay? Um, that is not sexy to me.

Uh, I like being in the streets

with the common people.

I like driving the car.

And I'm not going through that background check.

Forget about it.

'Well, uh...'

'...perimeter's, uh...'

- Thank you. We appreciate that. - Secure, I guess.

Uh, we've a very important job for you guys.

We're wondering if you can take care of it.

We're gonna need two large latte's

one 2%, one nonfat.

We're gonna need a small, easy mocha mocha

very little whip.

We're gonna need three cafe au laits

one with vanilla, one with cinnamon, one with chocolate.

'Two ice coffees, one dark, one with heavy sugar, light cream.'

Wait, that's like 20 coffees.

Oh, no, that's the kind that goes in the...

- Exactly. - I got it. I got it.

It's like a Volvo cross--

Wonderful! Thank you very much.

- Good work. - Right. Uh...

- Is that more coffee than-- - No, no, no.

Well, she said it weird because it's the right amount of coffees

but she said what's in them in a weird order.

Did you remember what she did? What they were?

I wasn't even paying attention.

Nobody even makes that around here.

Obviously, it was blah, blah, blah to me.

Having the FBI in town is a little bit like

being chaperoned, you know?

And I don't feel like we need a chaperone.

I feel like we're perfectly capable at enforcing the law.

We have a mission today.

We have this, uh, kind of junky, old microwave.

It does not work very well

and it smells like spaghetti sauce.

We've had it for about five years.

It cooks things about halfway through.

And the county will not give us a new microwave

until this one is officially broken.

So... without further ado...

Honey, this is the last time

you will ever burn a bag of my popcorn.

Okay, let's break the microwave.

This magic pop is gonna get this thing to break.

You're never supposed to put metal in a microwave

so this should do it. Let's see.

Get away, get away, get away, get away!

This doesn't work, I'm gonna shoot.

And if it doesn't work, at least it'll be kind of yummy.

'I got a grenade.'

- 'You have a grenade?' - Yeah.

- 'That'll do it.' - Absolutely.

- It's worth a shot, right? - 'Might as well try it.'

- Contact! - Fire in the hole!

Yeah.

A new microwave is on the way!

Is that tear gas?

You put tear gas in there?

- 'Halt! Freeze!' - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Where you going, sir? - Oh, I'm gla...

I'm glad you all showed up. Thank goodness, man.

Uh, somebody came in here.

I think something awful happened in here.

Somebody robbed this place.

What are you doing with money, sir?

This? What's there?

'Why do you have money in your pockets?'

- What's that? - It's money, sir.

Yeah. This-this-this money, this my money right here.

Uh-huh. You got anything else we should know about?

- Me? - 'Yeah. What do you got?'

- Yeah, I have a gun. - Yeah, you do.

'You have a... Why do you have a weapon, sir?'

- 'Is that yours?' - No, that's-that's not my gun.

- That's not mine. - That's not your gun?

No, I got it. I-I had it.

I'mma be honest with y'all.

Like, I had it, but that's, that's not my gun.

No, I-I-I didn't rob this at all.

The ones that did it, they went over there.

They-they-they was like

"Aw, hey, you want to rob this store with me?"

I was like, "No, man. I can't do that.

The police, they don't like that kind of stuff."

They was like, "[bleep] the police."

- Yeah, they said that. - They said, "*** the police?"

They said, "*** O-Officer Garcia."

They said, "*** the officer..."

- Were they colored? - They was black.

They was black. It was five of 'em, black, five black dudes.

You probably could still catch 'em over there.

- You mother[bleep]. - 'Still...'

Good thing you all showed up. I'm-I'm gonna go home.

No, you're not. You ain't going home.

You know I got to bring you in, right?

I-I don't know that.

I feel like, if I were in the FBI

I'd be in a lot of situations

where the chief or whoever is, like...

..."You rolled the dice and you lost this time, Jim.

You're off the case." And then, uh...

In some kind of way, he would just figure out

and solve the crime.

Later when I'm doing, like, sit-ups or something

I'd think, "Wait a second.

"Why wasn't the...

Why was the gun in the other hand?" or something.

No, I-I feel like I'm FBI ma--

At least, maybe I'm an FBI movie material.

As far as joining the FBI is concerned

let's put it this way.

I failed a test to be a member of a book club.

'Thanks for coming so quickly.'

Not a problem, sir. What's going on?

I just was assaulted just now by two youths

and, um, they knocked, knocked me over my chair

and they stole my snow cone

that I was-wasn't even finished with.

What kind of snow cone are we talking about?

It was the rainbow one with the fourth of July colors.

- Oh, I love those. - 'Okay.'

You know, they're only seasonal, too, this time of year.

Yeah, you can't get 'em all year.

Finally you get one and this happens.

You must've only eaten the top

because I see your-your lips are not blue.

Right. I didn't get to the blue or the white.

What is your name, first of all?

- My name is Craig. - Hi, Craig. I'm Trudy.

- Trudy, nice to meet you. - 'Craig or Greg?'

- Craig's my favorite boy name. - Craig?

- Really? That's nice. - Yeah.

Not many, no one's ever said that to me before.

Hey, you have a kitty cat there. Do you have cats?

I love cats. I have a houseful.

- Do you love cats? - Yeah. I've got seven cats.

- You have seven cats? - Seven.

They're all the hairless kind, though

because I'm allergic to most

- most kind of dander. - Those are my favorite kind

but I can't afford them.

Well, that's, you know

I put most of my money in that.

I smell a snow-cone date coming.

- 'That's what I smell.' - Hey, listen.

I just, I just got out of a relationship.

Do you, do you date people

that you have to, um, come in contact with?

Is that something you do?

You know, uh, Trudy is off

on Thursday and Friday nights.

Oh, really? I get--

'FYI, I don't know what your schedule is.'

And she just got a VCR, so...

I did, actually. I got a VC... I got a combo.

I got a 15-inch combo VCR-TV.

I just got the "Saved By The Bell" tapes

the whole series, and I don't have a VCR to watch it.

Do you want to finish taking this down

and then you can just slip him your number?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I don't have to give him my number. He can call 911.

- 'I'll give you a call, then.' - 'Okay.'

Just call 911, and when they say, "What's your emergency?"

say, "Is Trudy there?"

Okay, and they'll patch me through. Great.

And if I'm out on a call, have 'em get me

'cause I can always be called off a call.

I mean, honest to God, nothing really happens in this town

that I need to be there for.

I will give you $50, Dangle, per second

that you could stick your head under this blanket.

- Per second? - 'Per sec...'

'Uh, per minute, $50 a minute.'

- How about a dollar a second? - 'Dollar a second?'

Go ahead. Jones, you with me?

I'm not going under here, though.

- 'No.' - 'Alright. No.'

I'll stick my head, I'll stick my head by the side.

- 'Right in the middle.' - I'll get it.

'All the way in, too. All the way in.'

- I will. - 'Oh. Oh, good.'

- 'Don't breathe.' - 'One, two...'

Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh.

'$4.85.'

- 'Look at that.' - Ooh!

Garcia, I'll, I'll bet you

a month's of my, a month of my salary

that you can't get in there for, uh, about half-hour.

- 'A month's salary.' - Easy money.

A month's salary. You all heard it.

- Half-hour? - 'Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!'

'Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.'

Garcia?

- 'Idiots.' - Hey.

What are you officers doing in here?

'Goddamnit, let me the *** out of here right *** now--'

Shut up, shut up.

Is there someone in that freezer?

'We were, uh...'

'Open that freezer door right now!'

'I have a goddamn radio on!'

'Do you know how dangerous this is?'

'Step out of there, sir, that's for dead people'

not living idiots. Let's move it out.

'Why don't we, uh, secure the perimeter'

I guess, through the hall?

Has this body been touched?

When a body comes down to the morgue

'it's completely covered by a sheet except for its feet.'

- I know. Isn't that weird? - It's weird. It's weird.

It looks like you people have been playing with this body.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Something we do everyday.

I was in there. I was in there.

Out. Come on.

You know, let's just move it out, please.

Thank you, lieutenant.

'Can't deal with this kind of incompetence.'

You guys want some coffee or something?

'No, we're fine. Thank you.'

Sandwiches or something?

'We could use a closed door and some quiet.'

'Thank you.'

- Check. - Check.

You know, I thought about joining the FBI

for about 20 minutes

after I saw, uh

that movie with Jodie Foster

and the guy who was eating people in his basement

but I was really, really stoned.

And honestly, I also thought for about 20 minutes

about making a dress out of people.

- Hello, there. - How you doing?

- Good. - Right on time.

- Right on time, too. - Uh, you got the money?

Yeah, I got a, I got a...

How much?

Four hundred dollars.

I'm burning a hole in my pocket.

- Alright. Are you ready? - Yeah.

What, what do I...

What do I get for the, for the $400 there?

- A lot. - Oh, yeah?

Um, let's get ready? Take off your glasses.

- Wow, you're very handsome. - Oh. Thank you very much.

My mom always said so, I guess.

- Now what do we do? - Just close your eyes.

Phew! Alright.

I had a fantasy about being a FBI when I was a little boy.

I thought that'd be real cool to, uh, solve crimes

go to write chalk outlines on the ground

and stick needles into people and poke 'em with things

and stuff like that, but as I got older, I felt...

"You know what? I want to work with people on the streets.

I want to be in touch with my gente."

That's my people in Spanish.

Uh, I don't want to be far above in a lab coat

or a windbreaker or a special hat.

Good afternoon, class. My name is Officer Garcia.

This is my partner, Officer Jones.

We're here from the Reno County Sheriff's Department

and the community outreach program to talk to you

about a subject today that most folks aren't comfortable with.

Now, as, uh, citizens of this great community

we'd all like to believe that kids don't carry guns to school.

We'd all like to wish that that weren't true

'but we know, and you know'

that kids do have guns at school, okay?

You guys have a whole lot of 'em.

As officers of law, we want to let you know

there's not a damn thing we can do about it.

We really can't, we really can't do anything

about you guys having guns in school.

But what we can do is show you

how to fire these weapons safely and correctly, okay?

Let's say you have one of these in your hand, okay?

- Which you should never have. - Okay?

What we want to teach you today

is one word that's gonna help you out

should you find yourself in a situation

and you can't talk something out

and you need one of these firearms, okay?

And that one word is safe.

S-A-F-E.

Steady, okay?

Aim...

...fire, boom, everybody's okay.

If we can teach you to fire that firearm correctly

you can take your man down, right? Boom!

And we don't have the scatter effect.

There's not the watermelon seeds.

It's not a big picnic of people on the ground.

'Some of you ladies, you're pretty.'

'I'm sure you're gonna get dates to the prom.'

'Maybe somebody gets in a fight over a dance.'

You might find a little bit more security

if you had one of these little numbers.

Okay, that's a 9mm, alright?

'Five in the chamber, one on the clip.'

'It's nice, light, fits in your dress, your purse.'

Some of you men that are on the wrestling team

might wanna skip over the lady-type guns

and go right to your .357 or your .44.

I think the FBI guys here seem like they're all over it.

They seem like a really good team.

They speak...

...in paragraph form.

Yeah.

Like, you never hear "Uh" coming out of their mouth.

Or "What" or, or "He-he was, like."

They never say, "The bad guy was, like, coming in the door."

We say that all the time.

It's like they go to, go to some kind of damn--

- Vocabulary school. - Vocabulary school.

Or like gram...

- Grammar, grammar. - Grammar.

- Talk. - Talk.

- It's very impressive. - 'Yeah.'

Hi, mom.

How are you?

Dad, I know.

I don't know, I don't really have anything new to report

except, oh, only the greatest thing ever.

I...met a boy...

...and his name is Craig with a C.

I mean, I know you've told me before, um...

...you know

chances are if a guy shows interest in me

it's probably some ploy to get something from me

or there's a good chance I could get molested

or raped or...

...you know, end up pregnant or dead, you know?

Basically, what I'm asking is for your permission...

'...to have...'

...our wedding here on your plot.

And I asked Marcus who runs the place

about having you dug up

and it costs a *** fortune

and I don't think I can afford it right now

on the salary that they're giving me.

And also, it might be kind of creepy.

'Hey. Hey, hey, hey. I, uh...'

I just talked to the lady and they want one of us

to, uh, introduce them for the press conference.

- 'Alright!' - Wait, wait.

- Dangle, Dangle, Dangle? - I wanna say--

I'm the most presentational here.

'I got the show business career.'

'You don't wanna look like you're racist.'

Pick somebody black so you can show the color on the force.

- Oh, come on now. - 'It's true.'

You wanna be...

Who remembers their names, first off?

Officer James Garcia.

'No, the names of the guys.'

Special Agent Starling is one of them.

You're thinking of "Silence Of The Lambs."

- "Silence Of The Lambs." - Oh.

Uh...

- Oh! - Shh...

Good afternoon. Sorry, good afternoon.

My name is, uh, Lieutenant Jim Dangle

of the Reno Sheriff's Department.

And from here, I would like to turn things over

to special agents...

...uh, Cowan and Richards.

So let's give a big, Reno, Nevada welcome

for the FBI serial-killing investigation team.

Good afternoon, I'm Special Agent Cowan

from the Federal Bureau of Investigation

and I'd like to let you know

that last night at 11:53 p.m.

we arrested the serial killer known as The Junkyard Dog

just outside of Reno, Nevada.

As of yet, we have no further information

that we are able to release.

We can tell you

that nine victims have been attributed to The Junkyard Dog

with two pending investigations in Las Vegas.

I will be bringing back to you more information

as it becomes available. Thank you very much.

Yeah!

Alright, way to go FBI, huh?

- 'Wow, everybody's leaving.' - 'Oh, yeah.'

- Aw, man! - Alright.

Do you have anymore questions?

They don't have anymore questions.

They wanted somebody to go get 'em some coffee.

'Yeah, they're making their toast, making their toast.'

To securing the perimeter and...

- And buying the coffee. - And buying the coffee.

Hey, we should do that. We should do that.

Send them something, right?

- 'Well, that's classy.' - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like a, like a--

- Like a muffin basket. - Some shots.

- 'No, some drinks.' - Some shots or something.

'Shots? That would be good.

- Jell-O shots? - Jell-O shots?

- 'Jell-O shots are good.' - Yeah.

To the FBI...

Special Agent Cowan and Richards.

Cowan, Richards and the rest.

- And everybody and et al. - Et al.

- Special agent-- - And crew? And crew?

Oh, hey...

- 'Hi!' - Hi.

- Good evening. - 'Congratulations.'

Congratulations to all of you.

I wanted to thank you for your superlative work.

Your assistance was invaluable.

And to thank you, uh

we've gotten you this bottle of champagne.

So enjoy and have a wonderful night.

- 'Thank you.' - That was so classy--

- 'Bye, you guys.' - 'Take care.'

- See you later. - 'Bye-bye.'

See you next time somebody gets murdered.

Yeah. Drive good.

Did you see that? That was classy!

'I didn't even know they had champagne.'

We are such douche bags.

Is it cold?

Check it out, check it out, check it out.

- 'Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!' - Hitler?

- 'It's Kennedy.' - That's not Hitler.

Uh, ask-ask not what, uh, you're doing in your country.

- Uh, but, uh-- - 'Also Kennedy.'

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That's not impression. That was just talking...

- 'She's throwing up.' - Hold the moment.

- Are you gonna throw up? - I was gonna burp.

'Who can burp? Who can burp?'