Original subtitles

Reno, this is 41-Frank-15.

We're in hot pursuit of a white echo

license Nevada. "I-M-A--"

- It's a vanity plate. - It's a vanity plate.

I'm, I'm, uh...

- I'm a, I'm a... - I'm a, I'm a...

- I'm a X-C. - I'm a double-X.

I'm an X-X-Y.

I'm a hermaph... I'm a hermaphrodite?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Crap! He's stopping!

Hey, dog. Yeah.

'Shots fired.'

Oh, oh, oh!

'Watch commander to the bridge.'

Hello, everybody, I'm Dr. Barnes

and I have, uh, the results of your, uh--

Dr. Barnes, I just want to let you know right away

that, um, if you found any THC

any marijuana in my blood, or urine

I just want to say

that I had to bust up a party the other night

where there was a lot of pot-smoking going on, so, um...

Alright.

Not-Not that you're gonna find anything like that

in my blood or urine

but if you did, that would be the reason.

What was your name again, ma'am?

Uh, Clementine Johnson.

Clementine, yes, yes, you do have

a-a-a small, trace amount there.

'I-I would not take that sort of order again'

of being busting a place with a lot of pot in it

because, uh, uh...

you-your being pregnant and all

'that could have some sort of effect.'

No. That is a mistake.

These are, uh, very accurate tests, ma'am.

You're not, you can't be right about that.

Not to be indiscreet, but what were you doing seven weeks ago?

Ooh, ooh!

Congratulations, girl!

Don't say that. No, no.

- Welcome to motherhood. - Shh.

'Well, we have, um, a few other things to do'

but, uh, none of them include, uh, disrobing.

I don't know why you're all, uh, sitting here

with your clothes off. I didn't, uh--

Why are we sitting here with our clothes off, Dangle?

Lieutenant?

When we came in he was in his underwear.

You were already in your underwear.

When we came in, so I just thought--

Well, uh, I don't have to explain myself.

I-I-I don't, I don't feel the need to explain myself.

How we doing today, ma'am?

- Just fine. How are you? - I'm doing good, ma'am.

'Can I ask you to put that gun down?'

Oh-ho, don't point it at me.

This is my gun, this own alone to me.

This belong to me and I'm fine.

I'm glad, but put it down, ma'am.

I'mma put it right here, but you know what?

What happened here is not my fault.

Put, it, set it on that chair right there.

I just had to take care of my business today, okay?

I don't know. I'm gonna keep this.

- Sister, what happened? - Girl, okay.

This man come up here and livin' in my house

run off my baby daddy, okay?

I had to be livin' up here with him

and he went out to truck and got this skanky little woman

talkin' about that's his cousin

can she stay with us for a while.

- No, he didn't! - Yes he did!

What she look like?

'Oh, girl, she look like Mariah Carey on crack.'

- What he look like? - He looked like Danny Glover.

I'mma hook you up. I'm gonna hook you up today.

- Oh, thank you. - Huh?

Huh? We gonna take this right on up in the house.

- Come on. - No, no! Ho!

I'm gonna call this in, Rae. I will call this in.

- You need to calm down. - He is not gonna play her!

I'll go in there and talk to the man, alright?

No, I'mma go and talk 'cause you gonna talk.

I'm gonna mace. I'm gonna use mace.

No! Ho, ho, ho!

- Ho, ho, ho, ho! No! No! - Get him, girl!

- No, no! No! No! No! - Get him!

No! No!

Who-Who do I think is the father of Clementine's baby?

I was looking for the phone book. I was gonna go, brrp!

He right about that 'cause there ain't no telling. Uh-uh.

We have a phone book, usually. It would have been funnier.

Hey.

What in the Sam heck you kids doin' up here?

Do you know you're not supposed to be up here, right?

- You want to go to jail? - You want to go?

You wanna, you wanna, you wanna go to the booty house?

- 'Okay.' - 'Cause we'll go.

We'll go, okay?

So what are you doing up here for real?

Trying to jump over on to the other roof.

You're trying to jump over this ramp on your bike

to the other roof?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

- Oh, no! - Oh! No.

- 'Hell, no!' - Whoo, that's a long way.

You honestly believe you can just take that little bike

over that ramp, across the other side?

- Yeah, I can make it. - You can make it?

- Yeah, I bet you I can make it. - Oh, you bet.

- He bets you. - He bets you.

Okay, Kenny Rogers, Mr. Gambler.

'I'll tell you what, I got...'

Look at that, I got $5. What do you got, Jones?

I got... What do I got? I got, I got $3.

You know what that is? That's eight.

Eight Reno, Nevada, Washoe County, American dollars

says that you cannot jump over that ramp

and make it to the other side.

I'll take that bet.

- Okay. - Whoo!

- 'Let's go!' - 'Go, champ.'

'Go, go, go, go!'

'Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!'

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Holy ***. - ***.

Goddamnit.

- Go, go, go, go! - Should we call a medic?

No, hell, no. They'll know we're here.

Clemmy's unborn child...

...is, hopefully, gonna be a bastard

because I'll tell you, I've seen some of the men

that she's spent time with.

And A, half of 'em are not...

...you know, white.

And B, the other half

are, uh, no more than above a fifth-grade education.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, excuse me

if I can interrupt your meals for one second here.

I know you don't know me, but, um, I just

I'm compelled to tell you that I'm gonna be a daddy.

- 'Whoo!' - 'I'm the new dad.'

Thank you, thank you. Cheers.

- Mm... - Mm...

You know it isn't yours, right?

Check.

Okey-doke, it is 1600 hours

and we are staking out the hotel room of Luis Hernandez

known drug trafficker. We've got a little heads-up.

'he's got a deal going down here, and, uh--'

'How long we've been here, Dangle?'

We've been here three hours and one quarter.

- 'Damn. It does not fly.' - 'Yeah.'

Gimme those for a second. Check out room six.

We're supposed to be watching room five.

No, I know. I know. Room five, he's not doing anything.

Oh, my *** God!

- What? - 'That's Leonard Nimoy.'

You're supposed to keep the camera on this guy--

Here, I'll put this one over here.

'That's not Leonard Nimoy.'

'Why would Leonard Nimoy'

'be staying at a place like this?'

Hello! He's keeping a low profile.

Pfft! Leonard Nimoy's already got a low profile

'cause he's Leonard Nimoy.

That's about as low-profile as you can get

unless maybe you're that kid who played Chachi.

Like, that's-that's low.

You're comparing

Mr. Spock to Chachi?

Chachi's not an icon. There aren't Chachi conventions.

He and Chachi should be on the same goddamn TV show.

If they were doin', like, some kind of "Remember The '70s"

then both of them would be on it, it'd be like

"Hey, Chachi, why don't you shake hands with Dr. Spock?"

You're denying... Holy ***.

He's checking the door again. What's going on?

Oh, ***.

- 'No, no, nothin'.' - No.

I thought we had some drug-deal action. No, screw that.

'The only person here having an okay time is Leonard Nimoy.'

'Oh, that is not Leonard Nimoy.'

'It is.'

The question, who is Clemmy's baby

is, like, the million-dollar question.

It's like the-the question of the century.

It's like, "Who shot J.R.?"

It could be, it could be anybody.

Well, and J.R., it was only a very limited number of people

who could have shot J.R.

Dallas is huge. Do you know how huge?

Yeah, but the show "Dallas"

wasn't about every single person in Dallas.

It was about the, the Ewing family.

It wasn't like that was a cast of

what, 2.5 million?

You saw the Ewing family and that was it.

So "Who shot J.R.?" was basically, like, three people.

Okay, the question, the question at hand is, "Who tapped Clemmy?"

- You. - Yes.

Some of you may or may not know, uh

prostitution is legal in the state of Nevada.

Uh, that would, of course, cover Reno.

Uh, so right now

we're pulling up to a place called the Chicken Hole

uh, an establishment run by our friend, Claire.

You'd think the things that they do in here would relax somebody

but it has the opposite effect.

- How you doin'? - Hey, come on in.

- Hi, Claire - Come here, baby.

- What's going on, sweetie? - 'Well, I don't...'

You know what, honest to God, I swear to Christ, I don't know.

I didn't call. The [bleep] upstairs called.

I called you this time. I called you this time.

Yeah, the shoe's on the other foot. Check this out.

Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, Jones, get over here!

Hey, come on, let's go. Come on.

'Let me show you something.'

'Alright, look, look, let me just tell you.'

- Let me just tell you, okay? - Okay.

I just finished my lovemakin'.

I just did my-my lovemakin' over there, alright?

I wanna clean myself off, I want to take a shower

so I can be respectable. I walk in here. Look at this.

Look, look, look, look at all these walls, empty.

No, there's not a sign in here that says

"Employees must wash hands." That's state of Nevada law!

'That's because it's a whorehouse, you ***.'

You still got to be clean, whores!

But you're loud, okay? You know what?

How many times you've been here, Andrew, 25, 26?

And today you're gonna complain--

Today's the day that you complain about the damn--

Let me tell you something, it's been brewing.

It's been brewing 'cause I'm thinking about myself.

I'm thinking today. I'm finishin' my lovemakin'.

I got juices all over me. I got my male juices.

I got the female juices on me. When you blink, you got juices.

There's, there's juices everywhere.

But let me tell you something.

So I got to clean those juices off.

When I walk in here, no one else

is cleaning their juice. I'm like, "My God!"

"I'm makin' love in juice." But let me tell you something--

You know, if you wanna wash, go to a KOA campground

pay-pay a quarter for a goddamn shower.

Oh, she says, "Thank you." Like, I get that reference.

Okay, okay, shut the fuck up, bitch!

You want a shower? Let's get a shower.

- Oh, you wanna go there-- - Take your shower--

- Yeah. There you go-- - All clean now--

- 'Boo!' - There you go--

Alright, you know what? I don't care...

- Ladies, call your congressmen! - Boo!

'Boo! Boo!'

'Okay, ladies, call your congressmen!'

You know, I don't know if Clementine Johnson

can be a good mom.

That's a hearty adjective for that woman. Hell, no.

To be honest, if she don't have a paternal figure in her life

that baby's gonna run around naked

peeing on everything and...

It's basically gonna be like a stray cat, you know

that just pees on all the furniture.

I-I think she's gonna need some help.

'Alright, uh'

I'll go with the, uh, vegetarian pizza

and, uh, quesadilla chicken.

She will have something of less than or equal value.

Uh, just, uh, popcorn chicken, I guess.

- Hope-- - Yeah, I'm in a bad spot.

Yeah, I know you are.

'I-I happen to think it's a good spot.'

'I sure would, uh, jump at this great opportunity'

'to, you know, be a dad.'

Aw.

I just, uh...

Uh, sorry about that, I just...

I think I'm good with kids

and got a couple of houseplants that have never died, so...

Well, that is sweet.

I appreciate that. Um...

You are...

...pretty high up on my list of people

that I will be asking

to be a candidate for, uh...

...marriage or...

...you know, being my baby's dad. Um...

There's a few people before you on that list.

- Okay. Alright. - Let me contact those people.

'And if nothing works out'

'then I will consider what you're saying'

and I will, uh, get back to you.

Oh, sure, I'm willing to put that in writing, too.

I'll just, you know, send you an e-mail.

Let me let you know. I'll let you know.

Okay.

You are out of your *** mind.

- That is not Leonard Nimoy. - It is.

- 'It cannot be.' - 'It is.'

'Stop saying it isn't, because it is.'

'That is not Leonard Nimoy.'

Why don't we go ask? Why don't we just go ask?

- Go. You ask. - I will.

'You're the one who thinks he's Leonard Nimoy.'

Oh, hey, will you keep an eye on five?

Just watch the thing, and if it runs out of tape

you just got to switch the tape.

Hey.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How you doing? - Doing okay.

- You... - Am I in trouble?

No? You're not Leonard Nimoy, are you?

- Oh, no. - Oh, that's what I said!

- I lost thirty five dollars. - Thirty five?

You look so much like Leonard Nimoy

it's, like, not even funny.

Yeah, he thought that you were the real deal.

I swear, I swear, I swear.

I thought you were just absolutely Leonard Nimoy.

Where were you guys?

Yeah, we're, uh, we're doing a stakeout.

'Do people tell you you look like Leonard Nimoy?'

'Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, well, that's why I'm here in town.'

'I'm doing a, I'm like a look-alike'

'that does conventions.'

- '"Star Trek" conventions.' - 'Ah!'

'Okay, you were part right. You were half right.'

See, I was very...

- No, it ain't him. It ain't-- - It's not Leonard Nimoy.

We got a camera crew and everything.

- He's waving at us. - Oh, is it like--

- Hi. - His name is Stu.

Yeah, stop wavin' at us. We see you. How you doin'?

What, is that like that "Cops" or something?

'Yeah, it's like a TV thing.'

'Do you think you can get us into this convention'

'that's in town? Think you can do it?'

'Yeah, think I can get...'

Yeah, it's 75 bucks to get in.

I think what I could do for you guys is make sure...

'Well, you know what I'll do is I'll tell them'

''cause I get one. I get one comp.'

'Can we say we're with Stu?'

'Yeah, say you're with Stu, that be...'

'I'll get you the comp some way. We can work that out.'

'Or I'll leave it at...'

'What is that?'

That sounds like a leaf-blower.

Yeah, somebody's blowing leaves.

You know what, they, they should have an ordinance.

'Well, do you guys have..'

They did an ordinance, but I still see people

'with gas blowers out there. You know what I mean?'

'Oh, I'll get you the comp some way.'

Seventy five bucks for two of you, instead of one.

- 'Say, we'll--' - 'Yeah!'

'And then maybe we can get a beer or somethin', too?'

We can also show you Reno. Reno can be a very fun town.

I feel like a celebrity or something.

Yeah, well, you look like one.

- That's funny. - Alright.

Good morning. I'm, uh...

My name's Kevin Donnelly. I'm moving in next door.

I just thought I'd come by

and, uh... kind of tell you

a little bit about myself.

- And? - I'm a, uh...

Divorced.

Um, I'm looking...

In between jobs right now

somewhat of a foodie, a gourmand.

- A convicted sex offender. - 'Right.'

I play, uh...

I-I-I play chess not very well.

No, back up to the--

- The other thing? - Yeah.

- That's really why we're here. - I'm a foodie.

- And so I cook a lot-- - 'No, no, no.'

What?

Don't, don't be cute, Kevin.

Uh, I am a convicted sex offender

whatever that means.

- 'Right.' - 'And--'

The court has said that he needs to go around

and get these signatures just to know, just so--

It-it-it's total, it's a formality.

It just says--

It's for your protection, ma'am.

In fairness, it's for both of our protection.

So this sheet of paper basically says

you stay on your lawn and I'll stay on mine.

'No, that's not what the...'

The piece of paper says

you got a pervert moving into the neighborhood.

I feel like you're putting, uh, your spin

on sex offenders.

I do not know if Clemmy's gonna be a good mom.

I think, uh...

I think Clemmy havin' a little daughter

is like a "Jerry Springer" episode just waitin' to happen

but I do think that in 18 years

that is gonna be one hell of a tag team.

One hell of a tag team.

- Phew. - Whoo. Whoo-whoo!

- Hope I'm still around. - Yeah. Whoo.

- Um... - How you doin'?

Hi, my name's Kevin.

- I'm moving in next door. - Stop.

I'm a convicted sex offender.

Can you sign this, please?

Here's my thing.

I see the van.

I live right next door, I don't wanna

have to be looking at your van

parked in the driveway every time I get up.

'You have a garage. You know what I mean?'

The city asked me to come by

'cause they're asking everybody, all my neighbors to sign this.

And it's-it's standard, you know, it just says I'm moving in

you know that I'm moving in

'cause I'm a convicted sex offender

and, uh, you're-you're good with that

and so, uh...

And, you know, also, you can indicate your level of

if you're, uh, psyched or not.

This might be...

You know, feel free to say no to this question.

- Mm-hmm. - What...

What time do you get off?

So listen, um, you know, I brought you here

because I had something important to ask you.

Um, you know I'm in kind of a spot right now

and, uh, I, I got myself in a position

where I really need some help

and, um, I'm, uh, really kind of running out of options here

and I was just wondering

if you had any interest

in maybe, uh, marrying me

and being the father of my child.

You know, so how about it?

Of course!

Why didn't you ask me first?

- Are you serious? - Oh, I was hoping you'd ask!

Oh, oh, God! Oh...

You'd heard what I asked you, right?

I know. I was hoping you would ask.

Do you know how happy this will make my mother?

- 'What's that thing?' - Highly illogical.

- He is good. - 'I've never seen the show.'

'I've never seen the show.'

- Hi. - Hi. Uh...

Guess who's not havin' a baby!

- 'Alright.' - Oh, my God!

- Very good, very good. - I am not having a baby.

- Congratulations. - 'Isn't that great?'

It turns out it was just an abscess in my lady regions.

They drained it today, everything is cool.

And I'm ready to drink.

Hey, Pete, gin and tonic for Clemmy.

Wow! Thank you so much.

'Thank you. Oh.'

Hey, Dangle, next time.

- Next time. - Next time.

Here's to Clemmy's giant cyst.

- 'Yes, yes. Thank you.' - 'Hear, hear.'

When I had a, I had a chocolate cyst removed

and they don't get it, they can't get it all.

- 'Okay.' - So you still...

And plus the gas that they have to shoot into your belly

makes your belly distended for a while.

You're gonna be having some gas for a little while.

- 'Let's get that.' - 'Listen, chocolate--'

Stu, I should explain. Wiegel's *** crazy.

- 'Yeah.' - Oh.

Get your weed, boy.

- Two, three. Go, go, go, go! - Three.

- Go! - Early lead! No! Yes!

- Whoo! - 'Ooh!'

Whoo! Ha-ha-ha.

Sorry, mom.

I love you, mommy. I love you.

That's a game we used to play when I was little.

Watch this. Watch this.

Find the sloppy joe, find the sloppy joe.

'Yeah. Yeah.'

Good dog. Good dog.

Wasn't hidden too hard, but, uh, he found it, though, right?

Hey, good dog.

Mm.

Can you check my scoliosis?

- Oh. - Oh. Oh, my God. No.

This shoulder's lower than this shoulder, right?

Yeah, I can see that. Yes, it is a little bit misaligned.

- 'Oh.' - 'Oh, come on.'

Oh, let's not, let's not see your scoliosis.

'If you could come to my office'

'in about, uh, an hour and a half'

I'd be glad to give you a full workup.

Thank you, I just had one two days ago

but you know, you always got to be on top of it.

Did-Did your test...

Can it show if an adult woman is retarded?