Original subtitles

RADIO ANNOUNCER Name every sing musical

by Stephen Sondheim for two free tickets

to the Amy Grant concert at the El Dorado Theater.

Oh, my god, that's such a give me.

Hit the lights. Let's find a phone.

That is so easy--

"Into the Woods," "Sweeney Todd," "Company,"

"A Little Love Music," "Merrily We Roll

Along," uh, "West Side Story."

Uh, no I thought Leonard Bernstein

wrote "West Side Story."

No, no.

He did but, the lyrics are actually by--

Ow!

Oh, hoh!

Oh, hoh-oh.

.

Shots fired.

.

Uh, I think we should all give a great big hand to Trudy

Weigel, who did a beautiful cover artwork for our new bomb

threats brochure.

Way to go, Trudy.

Did you do it on the computer, or you just drew it by--

Actually, I took it from Spark's Sheriff Department bomb

threats.

I just photocopied it.

But I photo-- I photocopied it.

OK, next order of business, we have received

here at the department--

they are, uh, doing an execution of a convicted felon

down there in Carson City.

And we have received two passes to be eyewitnesses

to the execution of this--

I don't know what he is-- a serial murderer or something.

Now, I know that--

I know everybody wants these.

So we're going to do it the way we

generally do stuff like this, and we're

going to do a scavenger hunt.

Yeah!

- So-- - Woo!

All right!

while you're out there fighting crime today,

keep on the lookout for a crackhead with a wig,

five points--

Easy.

Perp over 6'5."

All right.

That's pretty easy.

That's 10 points.

A man with teats is 5, best-looking hooker, 15,

red foreign car, perp with an animal tattoo,

and double points if they're Jewish.

When we tally it all up, whoever's got

the most points gets the passes.

And don't be planting evidence.

They have-- you have-- they have to be a bony--

bona fide arrest, OK?

Jones?

Yeah, uh, Lieutenant, would you

mind specifying man with teats?

I mean, technically, I guess I'm a man with teats.

No.

They've got to be bigger than Jones' to count.

They've got to be really at least, like, a B or C cup.

So as you book 'em, I'll tally 'em up,

and no cheating, no cheating, no cheating.

Getting two tickets to this execution

is kind of like getting two tickets

right up front at NASCAR and you know

that Jeff Gordon's going die.

It's ringing.

OK.

Hello?

Hi.

Yes, can I get a pizza for delivery?

Mm-hm.

I'm on Peckham and--

Neal. Neal.

-near the rec center [inaudible]...

Near the rec center--

Complex, yeah.

complex, yeah, the rec center complex, could

I get a large pepperoni mush?

Tell them 15 minutes?

Yeah, could I get that in 15 minutes

and I'll give you an extra 20?

20 bucks, never going to make it, about 47 miles from here.

OK, great.

Thanks.

Good.

So cool.

This is-- here's the guy, right?

He's the one.

He's the one?

Oh, there he is.

Oh, hell, flip on--

Hey.

-your lights, there.

There we go.

Slow down, there.

Look at that, Mario in the pits.

All right.

How you doing today, sir?

Oh, hi.

Hi, hey, I need you to do a 3-6 for me.

Can you shut off your vehicle?

OK.

Grab your license and step

out out of the car there, sir.

OK, did I do something wrong?

Well, we got you for speeding there, buddy.

- Speeding? - Whoa.

- What? - Let me see--

whoa. - Hey.

Hey, yikes.

You're Phil?

Yes, yeah.

OK, how tall are you, Phil? 6--

6'9"?

You're 6'9"?

6'9", yeah.

High up top.

OK.

Phil, are you a Jew?

Jew? No--

- I asked him that. - no, no, no.

- Oh, you did? - No.

- Animal tattoos? - I swear.

- Nothing. - Huh.

Not a Jew, no animal tattoos.

Damn it, OK.

OK, well pop on in there, Phil.

You got-- pizza?

I got it.

Yeah, we'll deliver that for you.

It's Peckham and Neal, right?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, how do you?

No, what--

Well, that's where they always go.

Huh?

OK, so we got him for speeding--

Speeding.

and driving without a license.

Crackheads, crackheads,

Don't you know-- --crackheads.

Don't you have a-- Crackheads.

Isn't one of your first cousins

really, really, super tall?

Yeah, but he just moved to Denver.

Oh, that's a bit of a haul.

Yeah, Uncle Steve just moved to Denver.

Yeah, that's a bit of a haul. He's your uncle?

I thought he was your first cousin.

No, no, no--

well, it's both.

It's kind of a complicated thing.

- Oh, I know. - His mom and--

- I know. - my--

- I know. - grandma.

- I know. - Yeah.

Their stump runs pretty tight.

Yeah.

Crackhead with a wig right there, boom.

No?

No, regular lady with a hose.

Regular old lady with a hose.

Well, wait a second.

I don't want to plant-- - She might be on--

- crack on her. - We could.

That's a wig, but I don't want to plant crack on her.

How you doing, lady?

Big Mike.

Big Mike?

Make a left up at this corner.

Big Mike's been-- - He will have something.

bragging about getting a brand

new tiger tattoo or something. - Really?

He's been talking about it all week long.

Oh man, and if he has crack on him.

Yeah, he always has crack on him.

- You think? - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, there he is.

Baboom, Big Mike.

Captain of suspicious behavior.

Man with a animal tattoo.

Yup.

Five points.

Hey, Mike.

How you Doing, Big Mike?

Sheriff's Department.

How you doing, Mike?

You want--

Hey, you want to put that hose down?

Hey, hey. - Hey, put the hose down, Mike.

Put the hose down, Mike.

Whoa, whoa.

- Oh, oh. - Whoa, whoa.

Turn it off.

You don't want me to fill up my pool?

- No. - No.

- Put it down. - Put it down.

- Don't use it. - Put it down.

- Don't use it in a threat-- - Don't freak out.

- Put down the-- put down the-- - I'm not freaking out.

Hey, Mike!

- Mike, don't shoot the mailbox. - Don't.

Don't shoot the mailbox.

Mike, hey, hey, hey, hey--

stop it.

- Mike, Mike, Mike. - Big Mike.

- Mike. - No, no, no.

Mike, no. - I got him.

I got him. - Get him.

Get him.

All right, down on the ground.

God, where's that tattoo?

Where's the tattoo there, Mike?

- Where's your tattoo, Mike? - There it is.

There it is. There it is.

Ow!

Oh, that's a nice looking dragon there

you got there, Mike.

It's a panther.

That's a dragon.

Yeah, can you see it?

Yeah, you thought it was a panther?

It's a panther. - That's not--

- No, no, Mike. - That's a dragon.

That's a dragon.

My sister's shop, she put it on and said it was a panther.

No, that's a dragon.

All right now.

Now, I'm going to have to pat you down now, Mike.

Yeah.

it's a dragon.

It ain't a panther.

No, no just put your hands there.

And we've got to pat you down.

It ain't a panther.

We can't take him in just for the tattoo.

We've just to got to get him-- we've got to get something.

It's a dragon. I get a dragon?

Leave her alone. Leave her alone.

Leave her alone.

I've got a snot rag.

That's not illegal.

That ain't no good.

He's got $3.

That's not illegal. - Yeah.

What I'm getting charged with, man?

Watering the lawn and hanging out

and being peaceable and stuff and hanging out?

He did threaten us with the hose.

He almost sprayed us with a hose.

Is that not--

I got a [bleep] dragon tattoo instead of a panther.

We've got to get something on him.

I'm going to kill you, Brenda!

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey hey.

- That's illegal. - All right.

- That's illegal. - That's illegal, buddy.

Mike, you're not allowed to say--

C'mon, Big Mike. You can't say that.

- I'm not going to kill her. - No.

No.

I'm just going to [bleep] her up.

No.

You can't do that.

OK.

Well--

Sorry, Mike.

it is a dragon.

It's not a traditional animal in the canon of animals, but--

Five points.

-it's pretty good start.

It's a pretty good start.

I thought it was a [bleep] panther.

If I win the scavenger hunt, OK,

and if I get those tickets to the execution, you know,

those have a market value of at least $300 apiece.

I'm selling them.

I've got to get a refrigerator.

Yeah, all right.

Hey, ladies, hold on.

Everybody come back.

Huh?

Come on, bring it on back.

Come on.

Let me get a good look at you.

No.

You're a little bit too thick.

Sister, come here.

Come here.

Just come stand right here.

The reason I can't pick you-- see, you can't have that, when

the edges is in Africa and the back is in China,

them continents don't meet, huh?

Huh?

You're go on and get you some hair that blend in.

Come here.

You've got potential.

Girls, it's your lucky day.

Y'all staying, she going.

Let's go.

That way.

Yeah, child-malotas, haha!

No, no no, no no. Stand up.

Stand up straight.

Look, right here, right across here, in your T-zone,

you're kind of old.

You understand what I'm saying?

In my teeth?

No, not your teeth, T-zone.

All you need now is a beauty mark.

You know that is?

No.

Beauty mark, mole, this right here.

Ah, [non-english speech].

You see that?

Yeah, no, girl, will you please

get off me about the sideburns?

You're not getting sideburns. No!

I said, no.

Now zip it.

if I win the scavenger hunt, I'm taking Jones-ey--

Officer Jones.

What?

What's the look?

No look.

You were the one that looked at me.

I'm just looking to see why you look--

seem like you're staring daggers at me all of a sudden.

I wasn't staring daggers at you.

I was looking at you because you were talking.

OK.

I don't think Jones would go with you, anyway.

He would.

He likes white chocolate, I think.

I know for a personal fact that Jones eats

the dark piece off the chicken.

Huh?

And I've seen him very close to some white breast meat.

- You have not. - Yes, I have.

- You have not. - On many occasions.

You have not.

On many occasions.

Please.

Come on over here

and let me get a good look at you.

Oh--

?

Look at you.

Hollywood [non-english speech]??

Beautiful, Hollywood, yeah.

Eh?

.

Glamorous, beautiful.

Jennifer Lopez.

No, you ain't Jennifer Lopez, but you beautiful!

Yeah.

You are, without a doubt, the best looking hooker in Reno.

Now you're going to jail. Get in the car.

?

Come on, we going down.

Here, put these on.

Red foreign car, five points for Trudy Wiegel.

Hello there, sir.

I'm going to need to see a license and regi-- oh, crap.

I left it in neutral.

Oh, [bleep].

No!

Oh, oh, crap.

It looked like he might have been a Jew, too.

A lot of people ask me, how would you like to die, Garcia?

If you got the death penalty, how-- if you got executed?

I would like to be buried in dirt

up to my neck, my head sticking out,

and have a cobra strike me right in the face

because I want to see death coming at me.

I want to feel the fangs going in.

I want to feel the venom pouring into my face

and then watch the snake back away as I slowly fade away.

I like that.

Anyone who wants to die should be allowed to die.

For instance, if Clemmy wanted me to kill her, I would.

I would do that for her because it takes a village.

Yeah.

And it's that sunny attitude that keeps the men away.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Hi.

Hey.

Sir, you have no idea how glad I am to see you.

I-- actually, could you step out of the car--

Oh, sure.

for me for a second?

Yeah.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Oh, no problem.

Wow.

How tall are you?

I'm 6'10".

Six feet 10 inches?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes.

Uh, I'm afraid--

I'm afraid you're under arrest. - Oh.

So.

Why?

Uh, for picking up a hitchhiker.

You can't pick up a hitchhiker in the State of Nevada

or in the City of Reno.

It's illegal--

But you--

so I'm going to have to take you in.

If you wouldn't mind, we took your car

and I'll just ride in the passenger seat.

But don't try any funny stuff, buddy.

- OK. - I might have to--

OK.

So I'm--

I might have to shoot ya or something.

- Wait, so I'm under-- - Ten--

- arrest and-- - points for--

I have to drive?

Trudy.

Oh--

Oh, dear. --man.

Just out there partying.

- Oh. - Yeah, no pants at all.

Friday night, my friend.

Friday night.

Hey, maybe he's a Jewish.

He looks kind of Jewish, don't he?

He does look Jewish. Lets see.

Yeah?

Ah? No.

Hi.

Hi.

Sheriff's Department.

How you doing tonight, sir?

How you doing tonight, sir?

OK,

Impressive.

Sir, do you speak English, sir?

Yes, I speak English.

You speak English?

Parev, Parev, hello.

Hello. - Hello.

Parev. How do you do.

Sir? Parev.

Do you have any attire?

Your-- what happened to all your--

- Yes. - attire, sir?

Pants, do you have pants or anything?

I had-- the pants, there's no more, no more pants.

The pants is no more.

Well, that's abundantly clear.

Too hot. Yeah.

Very, very hot.

Chill on.

It's a gold night in the biggest

little city in the world.

Yes, it is. - Sir, you're high, aren't you?

Sir, are you high?

Sir, have you been

taking something this evening?

Have you been taking the drugs?

Well.

Your clothes are not nearby?

I was looking for--

I lost my cell phone, too.

If you see my cell phone, let me know.

No.

Happy night, no more work for Hrair.

- What's your name, sir? - Hrair.

Halla? Hallahalla?

- Hallalla? - Hrair.

Hrair.

H-R-A-I-R.

H-R--

R?

There are names that start with an H and then an R?

Hrair Menuchian.

Menuchian? Menuchian?

- Are you Armenian? - Menuchian R.

Yes. - All right.

Oh, god.

Are you not-- are you Armenian?

No.

Do I look Armenian to you, sir?

You're already low on meth.

Where did you get the ecstasy, sir?

My brother.

- Hrair, your brother? - Yes.

- OK. - Do you have anymore gum?

You got some gum in your mouth.

You have gum in your mouth, sir.

There's no more flavor.

OK, tell you what we're going to do.

we're going to drive to jail.

OK.

And then when we get to jail, if you're good--

You get the gum. - You get the gum.

OK. OK Hallall?

You are very nice, street cleaning policeman.

Something's ringing in here.

Oh my god. - Yeah.

Look at that. Yeah.

And here I go.

Hello?

Here you go.

OK.

That was like MacGyver [bleep]...

We really figured--

That was pretty cool.

-that damn thing out.

That was good-- Yeah.

-little crime solving, there.

Hell yeah.

Couldn't find the pants.

Yeah.

Called the phone in the pants.

Yeah. I mean--

There's one for Father Dowling, huh?

Oh man, it's almost 11.

We've got to get back to station's tally time.

All right, all right.

Tally time.

Yeah, I wish he was a Jew.

Moment of truth, moment of truth, here we go.

Come away.

And without further ado,

the winner is Raineesha Williams--

Woo!

-25 points.

I want-- give me the tickets.

Give me the tickets.

Oh, whoa, oh, I hope I'm not too late.

I hope I'm not too late.

What does Garcia have here?

I believe I have a crackhead with a wig, five points.

I believe you're over 6 foot 5", that's 15 points.

We got a perp with an animal tattoo.

That's going to be another 5.

I don't believe this.

Look at that. Let's get it on up there.

Let me stand out of the way, here.

See that? That's a bird.

So that's 20 points, ladies and gentleman.

Hello, hello, Mr. Winner.

I got 25 points.

Oh!

Yeah, that's not enough.

It's not enough. You know what?

She Still wins. Do you know what?

I almost forgot the piece de resistance.

Look at that, Star of Daniel.

Look at that.

20 times 2 is 40.

I believe that makes me the winner by 15 points.

Thank you very much.

Oh, that don't prove nothing.

That's just a thing-- Oh yeah?

That's jewelry.

could be anybody.

Jeff Greenburg on his driver's license,

Jeff Greenberg, read it [inaudible] .

Son of a bitch.

Garcia wins.

He's a Jew. He's a Jew.

Garcia wins. That's it.

, you and me, baby?

What do you say?

Huh?

I wouldn't go to that execution with you

Garcia if a unicorn flew out of my butt crack,

because that is a fresh tattoo.

It's bleeding.

- Get out, Garcia. - OK.

- Don't nobody want to go. - All right.

Get out.

I'm going to go by myself, then.

I'll find somebody.

If not-- I'll find somebody, don't worry about it.

They better find some crack on that thing.

an hour.

He's going to jail.

Why is he going to jail?

Hey, beautiful.

Hi.

Yes, for you.

Oh,

I got that for you.

That's my--

Ciao--hooker, Garcia. Ciao.

Nice.

Don't wave at me now, girl. Hey--

I made you.

you're going to like this.

Whoa.

careful, right?

Oh, we're speaking the same language.

Punk ass.

Look at him.

I don't believe--

Look at him.

I do not believe this.

Oh, you like going downtown?

Yes.

Oh, you look beautiful.

I've got to move the seat up a little bit.

I don't believe this.

Oh, what the hell.

Give him the finger.

Oh, I'll give it a shot, anyways.

So what do you think about a burger or something

before we go?

Hamburger, that's good?

I don't believe this.

I really needed that refrigerator.

Drive safe!

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do one.

Welcome to Benihana.

who wants--

I woudl a like a some steamed dumplings.

Yeah, oh, hey, that's what we make at Benihana's.

Attention everybody, it is now adult skate.

If you want to see some stuff, there was a--

Yes.

guy with a flamethrower at the meat and produce store.

He had a flamethrower. Oh my god.

- Wow. - It was horrifying.

I was there.

This was earlier.

He probably might still be there.

And he was walking around.

And he grabbed this woman's baby!

Oh!

And he held it up to the flamethrower.

And he was like, I'm going to burn this baby, everybody.

Oh my gosh.

Everyone was like, don't.

And I was-- so I started crying.

Wow.

You did?

It was so scary.

Step down out of that truck for me, if you would.

What is a handjob?

You want to-- You've never--

-take that one, Dangle?

given or received a handjob before?

I don't know.

You've never hard of a handjob?

What is It? Maybe I'll be able to tell you.

You're a 40-year-old woman

who's never heard of a handjob?

I can believe that.

Put it in context.

What job can your hand do?

She's never--

Oh.

She's never done anything.

What did you think it--

Oh.

What did you think a handjob was?

Oh no, I knew. I knew.

What on Earth could a--

That's what I thought it was.