Original subtitles

I feel like I have boogers.

Do I have time to snot rocket? Oh, we're on?

Hi. I'm here reporting live on the eve of the Virgin Games,

where 50 virgins will compete

and the biggest loser will be our winner.

But how did we get here?

In 1863, virgin Elsinore Crupp was to be sacrificed

by our forefathers in the hopes

of putting an end to a particularly windy weekend.

However, her beheading was botched,

and for three days straight, she cursed our town,

Which is why today

our murder rate is so high

and our internet so laggy.

Since then, Elsinore's refusal to obey her elders

has made her a cult icon to anyone

who has ever met a boomer, giving Grimsburg

the largest virgin population outside of Mickey's Toontown.

And here's one of her fans now already lined up

to get in first.

Sir, how are you honoring virgins today?

Will you be watching Zack Snyder's

director's cut of "Justice League"?

Sir?

I guess we'll never know.

Back to you people in the studio,

whose jobs I deeply covet.

You know, I just-- I'm just gonna snot rocket.

You OK, Flute?

You seem to be binge drinking more than usual.

Not a lot of great options tonight.

Even the beer goggles aren't working.

Time for some liquor Lasik.

Ooh! Check her out.

Incorrectly buttoned cardigan,

half cried-off mascara,

credit card stuck to the back of her thigh.

Looks like I just found the love of my night.

Maybe it's time to ditch the one-night stands,

try connecting with someone on a deeper level.

That's rich, coming from someone who lives alone,

doesn't date, and refuses to hang out with me on the weekends

even though any idiot could see

we'd have a lovely time on a tandem bike.

My solitary lifestyle is a choice.

As an immortal, I've made more than enough connections

over the centuries.

I'm all out of small talk and orgasms.

That can happen? It can...

if you live long enough

and look this good.

I'll just close out our tabs.

Hey, bartender, I need two shots.

I get a shot of whiskey

and you get a shot to take me home.

All you need to do is say the magic word.

Elevator, lemonade, spa, gargantuan, bicycle, fortress,

oolong, radio, radical, radiation therapy.

Wait. No, that's two words. Was it one of those words?

Because I could split them up. It was please.

Never would've guessed that.

Even better. Let's go.

Uh!

I gotta figure out how safeties work.

Ahh.

Wait. Why are you sneaking out?

This is your place.

Oh, right. I guess it's just habit.

Please. I sleep in so many strangers' beds,

my memory foam mattress doesn't remember me anymore.

Well, for a pro, you're not great at it.

You almost forgot your purse.

First rule of smash and dash-- can't come back once you leave.

True, but you broke the biggest rule

of a one and done-- you're talking to me.

Gross game recognizes gross game.

I know this goes against the rules,

but you want to grab breakfast?

The walk of shame is where I get most of my steps in,

but sure.

Kang, I did it. I took your advice, and I

made a connection.

Did you know you can talk to a woman after sex

and not just apologies? Good for you.

What's her name?

I don't know. I'm not a perv.

Bad news. Nobody's dead.

The bomb was attached to a mannequin.

Total corpse tease. But he did leave a note.

"Virginity is a disease.

"Cancel the games or there will be

an actual virgin sacrifice when I bomb the finals."

Which is why we need someone on the inside--

a virgin who can pose as a contestant

and make it to the finals.

Otis the kid detective, you're up.

Sorry, Chief, but I banged my neighbor last night.

Still got the bandage on my knee to prove it.

I could do it.

Technically, 74.2% of my new body is a virgin,

and so was the other 25.8%.

Please. Summers can't make it to the finals,

and I should know. I used to be a Virgin...

Games winner.

Don't say anything else.

I have no more room for gasps!

Then it sounds like you're the perfect candidate

to coach him, Wynona.

And I thought being a grown man who's never had sex

couldn't get any better.

Bomb squad officer: Sorry, folks. We just got reports

of another bomb about to go off.

Seems this morning someone here

ate three chorizo breakfast burritos.

Sex woman? You never told me you were bomb squad.

Bomb squad officer: And you never told me you were

a detective, sweat-a-lot-during-sex man.

Hey, come take a look at this.

Kang, she's the one I connected with last night

and then again this morning in the handicapped stall

at the diner.

Maybe I should ask for her name.

It's Charlotte. You perv.

Wait. How do you know that?

Because that is my great- great-great-great-great-great-

great-great-great-great-great- great-granddaughter

you're talking about! Well, you should be proud

because she is great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, great, great, great, great at sex...

respectfully.

Why haven't we heard about her before?

Well, because she doesn't know I exist.

Outside of you guys, I don't tell anyone

about my immortality, especially family.

But family is the most important thing there is,

according to every piece of wall art they sell at Target.

It's way too painful outliving your family.

I can't lose another grandson to dementia,

so I stay away from them all,

which is why I'd like you to stop seeing her, Flute.

Good one. To be honest, I don't get it,

but I can tell it's a joke, and that's why I said "Good one"

instead of laughing. I'm serious, Flute.

You can't see her. You can't forbid me.

I can, and I just did! Children, please.

Don't make me take off a chancla.

I need you three to figure out where this bomb came from.

Three?

Hey, guys.

Will Kang ever allow himself

to get close to Charlotte?

Will Charlotte's lack of a father figure

keep her from true intimacy with Flute?

Will Flute ever learn how safeties work?

And will Murphy's coworkers ever discover

that his big secret is he's actually using the copier

for personal business?

All that and less when we return.

But why can I date Charlotte? She's perfect for me.

She's pretty.

That's it? Sounded like there was more.

Fine. She's also funny and drinks to excess.

I could really see myself settling down

to a long consecutive series of one-night stands with her.

Don't cross me, Flute. I'll do what I want.

You may be a stubborn little boy, but I'm

a vengeful little bitch.

I will win.

Good morning. Hi.

So, what are we doing first?

I brought in a witness we should talk to.

Uh, Flute, take the lead on this one.

Harmony, what are you doing here?

Kang said you wanted to interview me about

the explosion. Oh, that's right.

I forgot you two were married but then ultimately divorced,

because what was it again? Ha ha.

How long do you have?

There was the lies, the drinking, the dandruff.

He stole my car and my youth.

He blew through our savings because

"Tom Brady is smart.

We can't lose with crypto."

Oh, every year on Stan's birthday, he insists

on having a paternity test.

Ten minutes later.

And he's constantly doing

his terrible "SpongeBob" transition voice.

Flute, as "SpongeBob" announcer: Is not so bad.

Hi, Dad. The test said I can still call you that.

You have a son?

I was trying to tell you that last night

when you were calling me "Daddy."

I thought you should know that

some appropriately tattooed men

are repossessing your car right now.

But I'm only 11 payments behind!

Mr. Flesh: Nice work, Stantrum.

Now, come on. Let's go lunge at an officer's belt.

You sure that's a good idea, Mr. Flesh?

OK, if you say so!

And they didn't even drop him as a baby.

Came straight from Flute's sperm like that. Crazy, right?

Disqualified contestant: Wait. It was outercourse, I swear.

The bomber says he'll strike next at the finals,

so we need to make sure you make it that far.

But the competition is fierce--

dog uncles, Reddit moderators, Disney adults,

even a homeschooled brother and sister pair.

But he's the one to beat-- super virgin Forest Kinsley.

Word is, he's so pure, he won't even hug his mom.

I'm pretty good at virginity, too.

This competition is designed to make

pretty good virgins slip up

until only the strongest one remains.

If I've waited this long, what's a few more days?

Why have you waited so long?

Ladies must throw themselves at you all the time

with your sweet eyes, that bright LED smile,

those big, wide, half-manly shoulders.

That's exactly the kind of slip-up I'm talking about.

I go for bad boys.

You should have known I wouldn't make a move like that on you.

Right. I'm the complete opposite of a bad boy.

Well, not a good girl, but a good boy.

So a half opposite.

Hey, I didn't say I'd never make a move like that.

Come on! It shouldn't be this easy.

Who is this easy for? 'Cause it's not me.

You're quite good with explosives.

Thanks. My lack of a father figure gave me

a bit of a death wish, which helps.

Why? You want to be my granddaddy?

You--well, I--no--uhh... I'm joking!

I weirdly feel very comfortable around you

despite the pedo glasses.

That's actually why I got them,

so nobody asks me to babysit.

Heh heh. I handled that well.

Definitely didn't get Jeremy Renner-ed trying

to stop them from towing it.

Hey, um, I think we need to talk... alone.

Look, it's fine. I'm not what you were looking--

Wait. You still like me, even after they told you

my life's a mess? My whole job is

running into disasters and coming out unscathed.

I think I can handle you. Come on. There's not much time.

But someone might hear us.

I'll just put your head in the microwave.

Excuse me. Mind if I sit on a phone book and watch?

The case of the haunted backpack can wait.

Mm!

She's coming over tonight.

Seems your plan to get in her head didn't work.

Then maybe I'll get into yours.

Good luck. But if you do get in my head,

let me know if you find my missing AirPod.

Homework!

If you're looking for Otis,

he's gonna need a minute.

Competition starts now.

We can't wait for those virginities to lose themselves,

so we may need to help them get lost.

Isn't that cheating?

Can you ever do something wrong?

I cheated on my taxes once.

Tried to pay more than I owed.

Teachers and roads need all the help they can get.

Don't worry. I'll do something wrong.

I'm sure you will.

First up, the swimsuit competition.

♪ Virgin Games ♪

It's a small world after all.

It's a small world after all...

Hakuna matata. Look at the Pumbaa on that guy.

Man, silly voice: Sorry about that. Hyuk!

♪ Who will win, and who will lose? ♪

♪ Virgin Games ♪

Sure are a lot of sexy, mouthwatering,

pants-tightening foods here.

♪ Who will win, and who will lose... ♪

♪ At the Virgin Games? ♪

Why are you wearing that?

Oh, Kang said I looked cold,

so he gave me one of his extras. Ugh.

Let's get you out of that, like, now. Eee!

Here. Let me try.

What? Oh. These? I found them in the pocket.

It's so weird. Kang and I have the same prescription.

Oh. It's stuck. Hopefully, yours isn't.

Uh! Ah. Ooh.

I like this belt.

Uh, come again?

Don't mind if I do.

Aah!

You want to try some role play?

You be the boss and I'll be the corporate ladder

you're trying to climb.

Get away from me! What's got into you?

You did, you little vengeful bitch.

Yeah. There it is.

Is stealing my car part of the role play?

Because it is weirdly working.

30 of the remaining virgins are out tonight

after mysteriously getting locked in a wine cellar.

with The Weeknd on repeat,

including crowd favorites Miley and Riley.

How do you feel now that your journey has ended?

I wish my sister and I had entered last year. Heh heh!

I can't believe you locked them in there.

I've never seen this side of you.

Then it might be time to get your eyes checked, bitch.

Ha ha!

Nice try. I'm not falling for that again.

I know what you're doing.

Yep. You nailed me. It. Nailed it. Are you hot?

I mean, are you getting hotter?

Uh, um, I--I got--I gotta go.

Psst! Wynona, it's me.

Martinez? Are you coming from a children's play?

I'm checking in. How's it going?

Not good.

I think I'm falling for the monster I created.

Oh, stop it.

You only want him because you can't have him.

Same thing happens to me when I see something on the top shelf.

You're right.

I just need to squash these feelings and help him win.

Dang, he did get hot. Good luck.

Kang, You bastard. Huh.

I guess you never fixed that zipper.

You didn't even care about her until I did.

I still don't care about her,

and neither do you, young man.

You don't know me, oldest man.

"Oldest man"? Your mouth is sending a Venmo

your butt doesn't have two-factor authentication

to cash. How's that for a modern reference?

That's it. I'm sending you two dumb-skulls to HR

to figure this out.

HR manager: Let's keep this civil.

No accusations, no swearing, no hits below the belt.

All right. Touch gloves

and express what you hope to get out of this.

If you win, you can date Charlotte,

but if you lose, you have to break it off

and never see her again.

I don't like beating up old men, but if that's

what it takes to get what I want,

or walk a little faster on the sidewalk, then so be it.

Uh!

That was just a windbreaker?

We're not hitting in the face, right?

Uh! Call it, call it, call it. Aah.

Hey, Wendy, you might want to tell

the breastfeeding during meetings case

to get their gloves on. This is gonna be quick.

And what Hollywood never tells you is

that sometimes it's the yellow wire.

Can I have a word with you

when you've put down the sharp objects?

Why? Are you breaking up with me? Ha ha!

Wait. Really? Oh, I get it now.

You're having kinkier sex with someone else.

Uh...

yup.

How could I be so stupid

to think we had something, that I'd found someone

who could drink and--and party

and--and honk my boobs as much as I do?

Women honk their own boobs?

It's a great stress reliever,

and I'm very stressed right now.

They found a bomb at the games. Let's roll.

Ugh. Whatever.

Flute, we still have a job to do.

Enjoy your win. I'm sitting this out.

She's all not yours now.

We've made it to the finals.

Time to find out who's the best at oral...

questions.

So anything you want to say to me?

Maybe begins with an "S"

and ends with an "...orry. I didn't believe

how bad a boy you could be, Summers."

Would you stop acting like that?

I thought this was what you wanted.

What a woman wants is not what we need,

Which is exactly the way we want it,

and I need you to understand that, OK? Ugh!

Uh...

Summers, before I ask you your question,

let's bring Trixie to the stage.

Your question is, What's the hardest part about waiting?

There's so many hard parts--the doubt, the pain,

all the mistakes you make along the way.

But the hardest part-- the hardest part is

finding that someone who's worth waiting for.

And once you do that, nothing seems hard.

Trixie and spectators: Aw.

No!

The hardest part is this town glorifying virginity

because some lady 400 years ago couldn't get laid.

Maybe it's time you all see

what a virgin sacrifice really looks like.

Oh, so this is why you don't get close to family.

That way, it's easier to watch them explode. Smart.

Just leave it. Save yourself.

No, I defuse it or I die trying.

I forbid you to stay here any longer.

Would you quit acting like that?

Like what? Forbidding me,

giving me jackets.

God. It's like you're my grandpa or something.

What if I kind of was your grandpa?

Wha--what the hell are you talking about?

I am your great-grandpa.

And why would I believe that?

Because you're just like me.

We both treat human connection like it's a red wire--

something to cut before it blows up in our faces.

That's why I hide from my family

and why you date men you know won't stick around.

But if we don't change that,

then we may as well blow to pieces

because what's the point of living?

Grandpa.

Oh, crap.

Flute? What the hell was that?

That was 35.95 at the gender reveal store,

but the lesson was priceless.

Still going to Zelle you for it, though.

You called in a bomb threat

to finally bring us together? No. I did it

so you'd give me your blessing to have sex with her again,

but sure. So can I have it, please?

Actually, Flute, I've realized

my adrenaline-fueled sex addiction

was because I was scared of real connections.

But now that I've made one,

I'm realizing I need to work on me for a little while.

And that was

the second lesson I was teaching.

So, so glad it worked out.

Hey, I'm sorry about Charlotte

and for puncturing your lung during the fight.

Maybe I'm destined to be alone

and only have one working lung.

You know, it might be good to get it some cardio.

Maybe we could take that tandem bike ride this weekend.

Really?

I mean, uh, yeah. That sounds--

great.

Forest, why are you doing this?

Because this town idolizes virginity,

when everywhere else, people try to get rid of it.

I wasted my life training to be a virgin,

learning to juggle, skipping the gym every day,

memorizing all the words to "Zootopia."

I'm doing this to make a point,

so that nobody ever has to do it again.

That's why there is a bomb in my stomach.

And I bet it's a big one since you're so backed up.

No. I mean I'm gonna blow.

And it's OK if you do. You're wearing pants.

No. There's a bomb inside of me!

There's a bomb inside us all,

but once it explodes, you'll realize it's harmless.

Oh. That's what he meant.

And now the transfer of the chastity belt and crown

from last year's winner to this year's winner.

Former winner: Finally I'm free.

My mandatory year of celibacy is up.

Mandatory year of what, now?

I wonder if I should stop liking her.

Nah. I could wait a year.

I once waited three years for "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Ha ha! Larry David.

Bento.