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1
00:00:03,896 --> 00:00:05,170
I feel like I have boogers.
2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,172
Do I have time to snot rocket?
Oh, we're on?
3
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,916
Hi. I'm here reporting live
on the eve of the Virgin Games,
4
00:00:10,085 --> 00:00:11,844
where 50 virgins will compete
5
00:00:12,087 --> 00:00:14,755
and the biggest loser
will be our winner.
6
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:16,590
But how did we get here?
7
00:00:16,759 --> 00:00:20,552
In 1863, virgin Elsinore Crupp
was to be sacrificed
8
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,246
by our forefathers in the hopes
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00:00:22,339 --> 00:00:25,024
of putting an end to
a particularly windy weekend.
10
00:00:25,251 --> 00:00:26,674
However,
her beheading was botched,
11
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,253
and for three days straight,
she cursed our town,
12
00:00:29,271 --> 00:00:30,254
Which is why today
13
00:00:30,422 --> 00:00:31,755
our murder rate is so high
14
00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:33,423
and our internet so laggy.
15
00:00:33,517 --> 00:00:36,260
Since then, Elsinore's
refusal to obey her elders
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00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:38,278
has made her a cult icon to
anyone
17
00:00:38,430 --> 00:00:40,430
who has ever met a boomer,
giving Grimsburg
18
00:00:40,524 --> 00:00:43,600
the largest virgin population
outside of Mickey's Toontown.
19
00:00:43,619 --> 00:00:46,603
And here's one of her fans
now already lined up
20
00:00:46,696 --> 00:00:47,880
to get in first.
21
00:00:48,123 --> 00:00:50,698
Sir, how are you honoring
virgins today?
22
00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:52,051
Will you be watching
Zack Snyder's
23
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:54,611
director's cut
of "Justice League"?
24
00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:55,703
Sir?
25
00:00:55,798 --> 00:00:57,705
[Boom]
26
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,950
I guess we'll never know.
27
00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:02,135
Back to you people
in the studio,
28
00:01:02,304 --> 00:01:04,121
whose jobs I deeply covet.
29
00:01:04,214 --> 00:01:06,807
You know, I just--
I'm just gonna snot rocket.
30
00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:09,259
[theme music playing]
31
00:01:09,461 --> 00:01:25,659
♪
32
00:01:25,811 --> 00:01:26,627
[Crack]
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00:01:28,981 --> 00:01:30,497
♪
34
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:31,906
Kang: You OK, Flute?
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00:01:32,151 --> 00:01:33,575
You seem to be binge drinking
more than usual.
36
00:01:33,743 --> 00:01:35,427
Flute: Not a lot of
great options tonight.
37
00:01:35,654 --> 00:01:37,154
Even the beer goggles
aren't working.
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00:01:37,247 --> 00:01:40,081
Time for some liquor Lasik.
39
00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:41,934
Ooh! Check her out.
40
00:01:42,161 --> 00:01:43,176
Incorrectly buttoned cardigan,
41
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:44,770
half cried-off mascara,
42
00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,663
credit card stuck to the back of
her thigh.
43
00:01:46,682 --> 00:01:48,756
Looks like I just found
the love of my night.
44
00:01:48,851 --> 00:01:51,184
Kang: Maybe it's time to ditch
the one-night stands,
45
00:01:51,353 --> 00:01:53,687
try connecting with someone
on a deeper level.
46
00:01:53,763 --> 00:01:56,115
Flute: That's rich, coming from
someone who lives alone,
47
00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:58,617
doesn't date, and refuses to
hang out with me on the weekends
48
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,177
even though any idiot could see
49
00:02:00,270 --> 00:02:01,845
we'd have a lovely time
on a tandem bike.
50
00:02:01,938 --> 00:02:04,197
Kang: My solitary lifestyle is
a choice.
51
00:02:04,366 --> 00:02:05,866
As an immortal, I've made
more than enough connections
52
00:02:06,018 --> 00:02:07,609
over the centuries.
53
00:02:07,777 --> 00:02:10,129
I'm all out of small talk
and orgasms.
54
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,131
Flute: That can happen?
Kang: It can...
55
00:02:12,282 --> 00:02:13,781
if you live long enough
56
00:02:13,950 --> 00:02:15,709
and look this good.
57
00:02:15,861 --> 00:02:17,377
[Music playing]
58
00:02:17,529 --> 00:02:21,031
Flute: I'll just close out
our tabs.
59
00:02:21,124 --> 00:02:23,958
Woman: Hey, bartender,
I need two shots.
60
00:02:24,127 --> 00:02:25,869
I get a shot of whiskey
61
00:02:25,962 --> 00:02:28,221
and you get a shot
to take me home.
62
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:32,151
All you need to do is say
the magic word.
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00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:35,320
Flute: Elevator, lemonade, spa,
gargantuan, bicycle, fortress,
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00:02:35,547 --> 00:02:37,564
oolong, radio, radical,
radiation therapy.
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00:02:37,716 --> 00:02:39,474
Wait. No, that's two words.
Was it one of those words?
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00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,309
Because I could split them up.
Woman: It was please.
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00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:42,736
Flute: Never would've
guessed that.
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00:02:42,905 --> 00:02:45,647
Woman: Even better. Let's go.
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00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:46,740
[Crash]
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00:02:46,909 --> 00:02:51,653
♪
71
00:02:51,747 --> 00:02:52,820
Flute: Uh!
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00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:55,916
♪
73
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,325
[2 gunshots]
74
00:02:57,419 --> 00:02:59,678
I gotta figure out
how safeties work.
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00:02:59,905 --> 00:03:01,346
[Woman chuckles]
76
00:03:01,423 --> 00:03:03,407
Flute: Ahh.
77
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:07,168
[Birds chirping, Flute groans]
78
00:03:07,262 --> 00:03:08,836
♪
79
00:03:09,005 --> 00:03:10,338
[Soft thud]
80
00:03:10,507 --> 00:03:12,524
Woman:
Wait. Why are you sneaking out?
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00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,084
This is your place.
82
00:03:14,253 --> 00:03:16,177
Flute: Oh, right.
I guess it's just habit.
83
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:18,755
Woman: Please. I sleep
in so many strangers' beds,
84
00:03:18,924 --> 00:03:21,758
my memory foam mattress
doesn't remember me anymore.
85
00:03:21,777 --> 00:03:23,093
Flute: Well, for a pro,
you're not great at it.
86
00:03:23,262 --> 00:03:25,595
You almost forgot your purse.
87
00:03:25,689 --> 00:03:28,040
First rule of smash and dash--
can't come back once you leave.
88
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:30,434
Woman: True, but you
broke the biggest rule
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00:03:30,527 --> 00:03:32,452
of a one and done--
you're talking to me.
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00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,362
Flute: Gross game recognizes
gross game.
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00:03:34,531 --> 00:03:36,215
I know this
goes against the rules,
92
00:03:36,366 --> 00:03:38,383
but you want to grab breakfast?
93
00:03:38,535 --> 00:03:40,552
Woman: The walk of shame is
where I get most of my steps in,
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00:03:40,704 --> 00:03:42,112
but sure.
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00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:44,056
[Vehicle approaching]
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00:03:44,283 --> 00:03:45,707
Flute: Kang, I did it.
I took your advice, and I
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00:03:45,951 --> 00:03:47,208
made a connection.
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00:03:47,377 --> 00:03:49,228
Did you know you can talk
to a woman after sex
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00:03:49,379 --> 00:03:51,546
and not just apologies?
Kang: Good for you.
100
00:03:51,790 --> 00:03:53,047
What's her name?
101
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,717
Flute:
I don't know. I'm not a perv.
102
00:03:55,885 --> 00:03:57,402
Wynona: Bad news. Nobody's dead.
103
00:03:57,554 --> 00:04:00,054
The bomb was attached to
a mannequin.
104
00:04:00,299 --> 00:04:02,983
Total corpse tease.
But he did leave a note.
105
00:04:03,135 --> 00:04:04,409
Flute: "Virginity is a disease.
106
00:04:04,561 --> 00:04:06,319
"Cancel the games
or there will be
107
00:04:06,488 --> 00:04:09,397
an actual virgin sacrifice
when I bomb the finals."
108
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,975
Martinez: Which is why we need
someone on the inside--
109
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:14,644
a virgin who can pose
as a contestant
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00:04:14,738 --> 00:04:16,070
and make it to the finals.
111
00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,114
Otis the kid detective,
you're up.
112
00:04:18,241 --> 00:04:20,926
Otis: Sorry, Chief, but I banged
my neighbor last night.
113
00:04:21,153 --> 00:04:23,169
Still got the bandage
on my knee to prove it.
114
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:24,930
Summers: I could do it.
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00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:27,507
Technically, 74.2%
of my new body is a virgin,
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00:04:27,751 --> 00:04:29,768
and so was the other 25.8%.
117
00:04:29,919 --> 00:04:32,771
Wynona: Please. Summers
can't make it to the finals,
118
00:04:32,998 --> 00:04:35,181
and I should know.
I used to be a Virgin...
119
00:04:35,425 --> 00:04:36,775
[Summers gasps]
Games winner.
120
00:04:36,926 --> 00:04:37,943
[Summers gasps loudly]
121
00:04:38,094 --> 00:04:39,111
Summers:
Don't say anything else.
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00:04:39,354 --> 00:04:41,171
I have no more room for gasps!
123
00:04:41,264 --> 00:04:43,006
Martinez: Then it sounds like
you're the perfect candidate
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00:04:43,025 --> 00:04:44,616
to coach him, Wynona.
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00:04:44,768 --> 00:04:46,451
Summers: And I thought being
a grown man who's never had sex
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00:04:46,603 --> 00:04:48,194
couldn't get any better.
127
00:04:48,363 --> 00:04:50,030
Bomb squad officer: Sorry,
folks. We just got reports
128
00:04:50,182 --> 00:04:52,532
of another bomb about to go off.
129
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,442
Seems this morning someone here
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00:04:54,536 --> 00:04:56,703
ate three
chorizo breakfast burritos.
131
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,873
Flute: Sex woman? You never
told me you were bomb squad.
132
00:05:00,025 --> 00:05:01,300
Bomb squad officer:
And you never told me you were
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00:05:01,527 --> 00:05:03,376
a detective,
sweat-a-lot-during-sex man.
134
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,120
Supervisor:
Hey, come take a look at this.
135
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:08,532
Flute: Kang, she's the one
I connected with last night
136
00:05:08,625 --> 00:05:09,791
and then again this morning
in the handicapped stall
137
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,034
at the diner.
138
00:05:11,053 --> 00:05:12,536
Maybe I should ask for her name.
139
00:05:12,704 --> 00:05:15,205
Kang: It's Charlotte.
Flute: You perv.
140
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,374
Wait. How do you know that?
141
00:05:17,392 --> 00:05:20,727
Kang: Because that is my great-
great-great-great-great-great-
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00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:24,564
great-great-great-great-great-
great-granddaughter
143
00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:26,383
you're talking about!
Flute: Well, you should be proud
144
00:05:26,476 --> 00:05:29,235
because she is great, great,
great, great, great, great,
145
00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:33,740
great, great, great, great,
great, great, great at sex...
146
00:05:33,892 --> 00:05:35,575
respectfully.
147
00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:37,002
♪
148
00:05:37,153 --> 00:05:38,503
Why haven't we heard
about her before?
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00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,006
Kang: Well, because
she doesn't know I exist.
150
00:05:41,157 --> 00:05:42,490
Outside of you guys,
I don't tell anyone
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00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:45,344
about my immortality,
especially family.
152
00:05:45,495 --> 00:05:47,237
Summers: But family is the most
important thing there is,
153
00:05:47,330 --> 00:05:49,330
according to every piece of
wall art they sell at Target.
154
00:05:49,575 --> 00:05:51,833
Kang: It's way too painful
outliving your family.
155
00:05:51,927 --> 00:05:53,760
I can't lose another
grandson to dementia,
156
00:05:53,929 --> 00:05:55,503
so I stay away from them all,
157
00:05:55,597 --> 00:05:57,931
which is why I'd like you
to stop seeing her, Flute.
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00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,749
Flute: Good one.
To be honest, I don't get it,
159
00:05:59,843 --> 00:06:01,676
but I can tell it's a joke,
and that's why I said "Good one"
160
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,195
instead of laughing.
Kang: I'm serious, Flute.
161
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:05,772
You can't see her.
Flute: You can't forbid me.
162
00:06:05,924 --> 00:06:07,682
Kang: I can, and I just did!
Martinez: Children, please.
163
00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:09,943
Don't make me take off
a chancla.
164
00:06:10,112 --> 00:06:11,703
I need you three to figure out
where this bomb came from.
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00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,705
Flute: Three?
166
00:06:13,857 --> 00:06:16,099
Charlotte: Hey, guys.
167
00:06:16,268 --> 00:06:17,709
Narrator: Will Kang
ever allow himself
168
00:06:17,861 --> 00:06:19,193
to get close to Charlotte?
169
00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:20,862
Will Charlotte's
lack of a father figure
170
00:06:20,997 --> 00:06:22,956
keep her from
true intimacy with Flute?
171
00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:24,365
Will Flute ever learn
how safeties work?
172
00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:26,126
[Gunshot]
173
00:06:26,278 --> 00:06:27,719
And will Murphy's coworkers
ever discover
174
00:06:27,946 --> 00:06:30,964
that his big secret is
he's actually using the copier
175
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,632
for personal business?
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00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,393
All that and less
when we return.
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00:06:38,957 --> 00:06:41,625
Flute: But why can I date
Charlotte? She's perfect for me.
178
00:06:41,793 --> 00:06:43,402
She's pretty.
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00:06:45,388 --> 00:06:47,981
Kang: That's it?
Sounded like there was more.
180
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,316
Flute: Fine. She's also funny
and drinks to excess.
181
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,244
I could really see myself
settling down
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00:06:52,395 --> 00:06:54,562
to a long consecutive series of
one-night stands with her.
183
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:57,231
Kang: Don't cross me, Flute.
Flute: I'll do what I want.
184
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,917
Kang: You may be a stubborn
little boy, but I'm
185
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,402
a vengeful little bitch.
186
00:07:01,496 --> 00:07:03,755
I will win.
187
00:07:03,982 --> 00:07:05,649
Good morning.
Flute: Hi.
188
00:07:05,817 --> 00:07:07,484
Charlotte: So, what are we doing
first?
189
00:07:07,653 --> 00:07:09,410
Kang: I brought in a witness
we should talk to.
190
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:12,079
Uh, Flute,
take the lead on this one.
191
00:07:12,248 --> 00:07:14,324
Flute: Harmony,
what are you doing here?
192
00:07:14,417 --> 00:07:16,176
Harmony: Kang said you wanted
to interview me about
193
00:07:16,419 --> 00:07:18,995
the explosion.
Kang: Oh, that's right.
194
00:07:19,014 --> 00:07:22,107
I forgot you two were married
but then ultimately divorced,
195
00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:25,502
because what was it again?
Harmony: Ha ha.
196
00:07:25,671 --> 00:07:26,928
How long do you have?
197
00:07:27,172 --> 00:07:29,114
There was the lies,
the drinking, the dandruff.
198
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,932
He stole my car and my youth.
199
00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,358
He blew through our savings
because
200
00:07:32,511 --> 00:07:34,101
[Imitates Flute]
"Tom Brady is smart.
201
00:07:34,196 --> 00:07:35,512
We can't lose with crypto."
202
00:07:35,605 --> 00:07:37,530
Oh, every year
on Stan's birthday, he insists
203
00:07:37,699 --> 00:07:39,273
on having a paternity test.
204
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,034
[Imitates "SpongeBob" announcer]
Flute: Ten minutes later.
205
00:07:41,186 --> 00:07:43,036
Harmony:
And he's constantly doing
206
00:07:43,188 --> 00:07:44,521
his terrible "SpongeBob"
transition voice.
207
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,614
Flute, as "SpongeBob" announcer:
Is not so bad.
208
00:07:46,708 --> 00:07:49,951
Stan: Hi, Dad. The test said
I can still call you that.
209
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,470
Charlotte: You have a son?
210
00:07:51,697 --> 00:07:53,138
Flute: I was trying to tell you
that last night
211
00:07:53,365 --> 00:07:54,806
when you were calling me
"Daddy."
212
00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:56,049
Stan: I thought you should know
that
213
00:07:56,218 --> 00:07:57,534
some appropriately tattooed men
214
00:07:57,661 --> 00:07:59,202
are repossessing your car
right now.
215
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,371
Flute: But I'm only 11 payments
behind!
216
00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:03,297
Mr. Flesh: Nice work, Stantrum.
217
00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,409
Now, come on. Let's go lunge at
an officer's belt.
218
00:08:06,469 --> 00:08:08,653
Stan: You sure that's
a good idea, Mr. Flesh?
219
00:08:08,805 --> 00:08:11,231
OK, if you say so!
220
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,158
Kang: And they didn't
even drop him as a baby.
221
00:08:13,385 --> 00:08:18,330
Came straight from Flute's sperm
like that. Crazy, right?
222
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,815
[Cheering]
223
00:08:20,984 --> 00:08:22,242
[Ding]
224
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,835
[Ding]
225
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,729
[Buzz]
226
00:08:25,897 --> 00:08:28,322
Disqualified contestant: Wait.
It was outercourse, I swear.
227
00:08:28,491 --> 00:08:31,158
Wynona: The bomber says
he'll strike next at the finals,
228
00:08:31,253 --> 00:08:34,161
so we need to make sure
you make it that far.
229
00:08:34,406 --> 00:08:35,997
But the competition is fierce--
230
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:39,592
dog uncles, Reddit moderators,
Disney adults,
231
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,245
even a homeschooled
brother and sister pair.
232
00:08:42,414 --> 00:08:45,749
But he's the one to beat--
super virgin Forest Kinsley.
233
00:08:45,842 --> 00:08:49,419
Word is, he's so pure,
he won't even hug his mom.
234
00:08:49,512 --> 00:08:51,238
[Ding]
235
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,365
Summers: I'm pretty good at
virginity, too.
236
00:08:53,592 --> 00:08:55,391
Wynona: This competition is
designed to make
237
00:08:55,443 --> 00:08:56,868
pretty good virgins slip up
238
00:08:57,095 --> 00:08:58,762
until only
the strongest one remains.
239
00:08:58,855 --> 00:09:01,206
Summers: If I've waited this
long, what's a few more days?
240
00:09:01,357 --> 00:09:03,283
Wynona: Why have you waited
so long?
241
00:09:03,451 --> 00:09:06,027
Ladies must throw themselves
at you all the time
242
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:09,939
with your sweet eyes,
that bright LED smile,
243
00:09:09,958 --> 00:09:12,717
those big, wide,
half-manly shoulders.
244
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:17,038
[Soft music on soundtrack]
245
00:09:17,206 --> 00:09:18,782
That's exactly the kind of
slip-up I'm talking about.
246
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,559
I go for bad boys.
247
00:09:20,786 --> 00:09:22,543
You should have known I wouldn't
make a move like that on you.
248
00:09:22,712 --> 00:09:25,546
Summers: Right. I'm the complete
opposite of a bad boy.
249
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:28,625
Well, not a good girl,
but a good boy.
250
00:09:28,718 --> 00:09:30,310
So a half opposite.
251
00:09:30,462 --> 00:09:32,979
Wynona: Hey, I didn't say I'd
never make a move like that.
252
00:09:33,131 --> 00:09:35,131
[Soft music on soundtrack]
253
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,409
Come on!
It shouldn't be this easy.
254
00:09:37,636 --> 00:09:40,486
Summers: Who is this easy for?
'Cause it's not me.
255
00:09:40,655 --> 00:09:42,138
♪
256
00:09:42,231 --> 00:09:44,082
Kang: You're quite good
with explosives.
257
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,067
Charlotte: Thanks. My lack of
a father figure gave me
258
00:09:46,161 --> 00:09:47,977
a bit of a death wish,
which helps.
259
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:50,663
Why?
You want to be my granddaddy?
260
00:09:50,816 --> 00:09:55,001
Kang: You--well, I--no--uhh...
Charlotte: I'm joking!
261
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,654
I weirdly feel very comfortable
around you
262
00:09:57,672 --> 00:09:59,005
despite the pedo glasses.
263
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,432
Kang: That's actually
why I got them,
264
00:10:00,659 --> 00:10:04,010
so nobody asks me to babysit.
[Laughter]
265
00:10:04,179 --> 00:10:05,753
Flute: Heh heh.
I handled that well.
266
00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:07,831
Definitely didn't get
Jeremy Renner-ed trying
267
00:10:07,924 --> 00:10:09,441
to stop them from towing it.
268
00:10:09,517 --> 00:10:13,737
Charlotte: Hey, um, I think
we need to talk...alone.
269
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,282
[Kang chuckles softly]
270
00:10:18,677 --> 00:10:21,620
Flute: Look, it's fine.
I'm not what you were looking--
271
00:10:23,682 --> 00:10:26,291
Wait. You still like me,
even after they told you
272
00:10:26,518 --> 00:10:28,126
my life's a mess?
Charlotte: My whole job is
273
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,795
running into disasters
and coming out unscathed.
274
00:10:31,022 --> 00:10:32,856
I think I can handle you.
Come on. There's not much time.
275
00:10:32,949 --> 00:10:34,707
Flute: But someone
might hear us.
276
00:10:34,876 --> 00:10:36,450
Charlotte: I'll just put
your head in the microwave.
277
00:10:36,544 --> 00:10:39,804
Otis: Excuse me. Mind if I
sit on a phone book and watch?
278
00:10:39,956 --> 00:10:44,367
The case of the haunted
backpack can wait.
279
00:10:44,536 --> 00:10:47,294
[Flute and Charlotte chuckling,
door opens]
280
00:10:47,463 --> 00:10:49,481
Flute: Mm!
281
00:10:49,708 --> 00:10:51,057
She's coming over tonight.
282
00:10:51,226 --> 00:10:53,151
Seems your plan to get
in her head didn't work.
283
00:10:53,378 --> 00:10:55,895
Kang: Then maybe
I'll get into yours.
284
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,989
Flute: Good luck. But if you do
get in my head,
285
00:10:58,216 --> 00:11:00,325
let me know if you find
my missing AirPod.
286
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:03,069
Backpack: Homework!
287
00:11:03,238 --> 00:11:04,570
Flute: If you're looking for
Otis,
288
00:11:04,723 --> 00:11:06,147
he's gonna need a minute.
289
00:11:06,241 --> 00:11:07,999
Wynona: Competition starts now.
290
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,317
We can't wait for those
virginities to lose themselves,
291
00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:13,079
so we may need to help them
get lost.
292
00:11:13,231 --> 00:11:15,231
Summers: Isn't that cheating?
[Wynona scoffs]
293
00:11:15,324 --> 00:11:16,900
Wynona: Can you ever do
something wrong?
294
00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:18,401
Summers: I cheated on my taxes
once.
295
00:11:18,494 --> 00:11:20,086
Tried to pay more than I owed.
296
00:11:20,329 --> 00:11:22,496
Teachers and roads need
all the help they can get.
297
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:23,848
[Wynona groans]
298
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,742
Summers: Don't worry.
I'll do something wrong.
299
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,410
Wynona: I'm sure you will.
300
00:11:27,429 --> 00:11:29,913
Harmony: First up,
the swimsuit competition.
301
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,582
[Cheering, rock music playing]
302
00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:36,269
Singer: ♪ Virgin Games ♪
303
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,196
Contestant: It's a small world
after all.
304
00:11:38,347 --> 00:11:40,440
It's a small world after all...
305
00:11:40,592 --> 00:11:44,110
Summers: Hakuna matata. Look at
the Pumbaa on that guy.
306
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:47,021
Man, silly voice:
Sorry about that. Hyuk!
307
00:11:47,098 --> 00:11:48,540
[Contestant yells]
308
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:52,359
Singer: ♪ Who will win,
and who will lose? ♪
309
00:11:52,454 --> 00:11:54,620
♪
310
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:56,506
[Music stops]
311
00:11:59,127 --> 00:12:03,555
[Rock music playing]
312
00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:05,557
Singer: ♪ Virgin Games ♪
313
00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:08,542
[Cheering and applause]
314
00:12:08,636 --> 00:12:12,063
♪
315
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,640
Summers: Sure are a lot of sexy,
mouthwatering,
316
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:17,235
pants-tightening foods here.
317
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:22,073
Singer: ♪ Who will win,
and who will lose... ♪
318
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:23,483
♪
319
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:27,487
♪ At the Virgin Games? ♪
320
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:29,897
[Doorbell rings]
321
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,474
Flute: Why are you wearing that?
322
00:12:31,643 --> 00:12:33,493
Charlotte: Oh, Kang said
I looked cold,
323
00:12:33,645 --> 00:12:35,478
so he gave me one of his extras.
Flute: Ugh.
324
00:12:35,647 --> 00:12:38,498
Let's get you out of that, like,
now. Eee!
325
00:12:38,666 --> 00:12:41,092
Charlotte: Here. Let me try.
326
00:12:41,319 --> 00:12:43,503
What? Oh. These?
I found them in the pocket.
327
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:47,490
It's so weird. Kang and I have
the same prescription.
328
00:12:47,509 --> 00:12:51,511
Oh. It's stuck.
Hopefully, yours isn't.
329
00:12:51,663 --> 00:12:54,088
Uh! Ah. Ooh.
330
00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:55,774
[Deep voice]
I like this belt.
331
00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:57,609
Flute: Uh, come again?
332
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:58,759
[Voice of Kang]
Charlotte: Don't mind if I do.
333
00:12:58,928 --> 00:13:00,336
Flute: Aah!
334
00:13:00,429 --> 00:13:02,263
Charlotte:
You want to try some role play?
335
00:13:02,357 --> 00:13:04,449
You be the boss and I'll be
the corporate ladder
336
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:06,433
you're trying to climb.
337
00:13:06,602 --> 00:13:08,344
Flute: Get away from me!
Charlotte: What's got into you?
338
00:13:08,513 --> 00:13:10,622
Flute: You did,
you little vengeful bitch.
339
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,457
Charlotte: Yeah. There it is.
340
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:14,033
♪
341
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,294
[Flute laughing hysterically]
342
00:13:16,521 --> 00:13:18,296
[Engine starts, tires screech]
343
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,614
Charlotte: Is stealing my car
part of the role play?
344
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,859
Because it is weirdly working.
345
00:13:22,952 --> 00:13:24,694
Harmony: 30 of the remaining
virgins are out tonight
346
00:13:24,712 --> 00:13:27,530
after mysteriously
getting locked in a wine cellar.
347
00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:29,140
with The Weeknd on repeat,
348
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,976
including crowd favorites
Miley and Riley.
349
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:35,054
How do you feel now
that your journey has ended?
350
00:13:35,206 --> 00:13:38,650
Riley: I wish my sister and I
had entered last year. Heh heh!
351
00:13:38,893 --> 00:13:40,318
[Wynona and Summers chuckle]
352
00:13:40,469 --> 00:13:42,061
Wynona: I can't believe you
locked them in there.
353
00:13:42,213 --> 00:13:43,880
I've never seen
this side of you.
354
00:13:43,898 --> 00:13:47,383
Summers: Then it might be time
to get your eyes checked, bitch.
355
00:13:47,476 --> 00:13:50,219
Wynona: Ha ha!
356
00:13:50,388 --> 00:13:52,997
Summers: Nice try.
I'm not falling for that again.
357
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,907
I know what you're doing.
358
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:58,152
Wynona: Yep. You nailed me.
It. Nailed it. Are you hot?
359
00:13:58,396 --> 00:14:00,730
I mean, are you getting hotter?
360
00:14:00,823 --> 00:14:04,676
Uh, um, I--I got--I gotta go.
361
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:11,574
Psst! Wynona, it's me.
362
00:14:11,593 --> 00:14:13,926
Wynona: Martinez? Are you coming
from a children's play?
363
00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:15,595
Martinez: I'm checking in.
How's it going?
364
00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:17,246
Wynona: Not good.
365
00:14:17,265 --> 00:14:18,748
I think I'm falling
for the monster I created.
366
00:14:18,766 --> 00:14:20,224
Martinez: Oh, stop it.
367
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,268
You only want him because you
can't have him.
368
00:14:22,437 --> 00:14:24,178
Same thing happens to me when I
see something on the top shelf.
369
00:14:24,347 --> 00:14:26,030
Wynona: You're right.
370
00:14:26,257 --> 00:14:27,514
I just need to squash
these feelings and help him win.
371
00:14:27,609 --> 00:14:29,108
[Door opens]
372
00:14:29,260 --> 00:14:30,776
[1970s-style R & B music
plays on soundtrack]
373
00:14:30,945 --> 00:14:34,163
Martinez: Dang, he did get hot.
Good luck.
374
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,210
[Tires screech]
375
00:14:41,106 --> 00:14:43,381
Flute: Kang, You bastard.
Kang: Huh.
376
00:14:43,608 --> 00:14:45,216
I guess you never fixed that
zipper.
377
00:14:45,368 --> 00:14:47,126
Flute: You didn't even care
about her until I did.
378
00:14:47,278 --> 00:14:48,720
Kang: I still don't care
about her,
379
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:50,371
and neither do you, young man.
380
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,949
Flute: You don't know me,
oldest man.
381
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:55,451
Kang: "Oldest man"?
Your mouth is sending a Venmo
382
00:14:55,544 --> 00:14:58,121
your butt doesn't have
two-factor authentication
383
00:14:58,289 --> 00:15:00,214
to cash. How's that
for a modern reference?
384
00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:02,901
Martinez: That's it. I'm sending
you two dumb-skulls to HR
385
00:15:03,128 --> 00:15:04,385
to figure this out.
386
00:15:04,479 --> 00:15:06,462
HR manager:
Let's keep this civil.
387
00:15:06,631 --> 00:15:09,799
No accusations, no swearing,
no hits below the belt.
388
00:15:09,817 --> 00:15:11,651
[Bell rings]
389
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:13,244
All right. Touch gloves
390
00:15:13,471 --> 00:15:15,321
and express what you hope
to get out of this.
391
00:15:15,490 --> 00:15:17,248
Kang: If you win,
you can date Charlotte,
392
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,824
but if you lose,
you have to break it off
393
00:15:18,977 --> 00:15:20,585
and never see her again.
394
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,328
Flute: I don't like beating up
old men, but if that's
395
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,163
what it takes to get what I
want,
396
00:15:24,332 --> 00:15:27,592
or walk a little faster on
the sidewalk, then so be it.
397
00:15:27,819 --> 00:15:29,427
Kang: Uh!
398
00:15:29,578 --> 00:15:30,911
Flute: That was just
a windbreaker?
399
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,321
[Bell rings]
400
00:15:32,340 --> 00:15:34,323
We're not hitting in
the face, right?
401
00:15:34,325 --> 00:15:36,083
Uh! Call it, call it, call it.
Aah.
402
00:15:36,252 --> 00:15:37,827
Martinez: Hey,
Wendy, you might want to tell
403
00:15:37,996 --> 00:15:39,345
the breastfeeding
during meetings case
404
00:15:39,497 --> 00:15:41,514
to get their gloves on.
This is gonna be quick.
405
00:15:41,666 --> 00:15:42,607
[Indistinct shouting,
punch is thrown]
406
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,947
Charlotte: And what Hollywood
never tells you is
407
00:15:49,174 --> 00:15:50,615
that sometimes
it's the yellow wire.
408
00:15:50,842 --> 00:15:53,767
[Laughter]
409
00:15:53,861 --> 00:15:55,119
Flute: Can I have a word
with you
410
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,196
when you've put down
the sharp objects?
411
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,865
Charlotte: Why? Are you
breaking up with me? Ha ha!
412
00:16:00,034 --> 00:16:03,519
Wait. Really?
Oh, I get it now.
413
00:16:03,612 --> 00:16:06,205
You're having kinkier sex
with someone else.
414
00:16:06,449 --> 00:16:08,374
Flute: Uh...
415
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,875
yup.
416
00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:11,469
Charlotte: How could I be
so stupid
417
00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:13,304
to think we had something,
that I'd found someone
418
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,047
who could drink and--and party
419
00:16:15,216 --> 00:16:17,366
and--and honk my boobs
as much as I do?
420
00:16:17,418 --> 00:16:18,977
Flute: Women honk
their own boobs?
421
00:16:19,128 --> 00:16:20,294
Charlotte:
It's a great stress reliever,
422
00:16:20,463 --> 00:16:21,962
and I'm very stressed right now.
423
00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:23,630
[Honk honk]
424
00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:25,891
Martinez: They found a bomb
at the games. Let's roll.
425
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:28,227
Charlotte: Ugh. Whatever.
426
00:16:28,471 --> 00:16:30,563
Kang: Flute, we still have
a job to do.
427
00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:32,973
Flute: Enjoy your win.
I'm sitting this out.
428
00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:37,644
She's all not yours now.
[Kang sighs]
429
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,055
[Cheering]
430
00:16:39,224 --> 00:16:40,573
Harmony:
We've made it to the finals.
431
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,743
Time to find out
who's the best at oral...
432
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,527
questions.
433
00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:47,654
Summers: So anything
you want to say to me?
434
00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:49,323
Maybe begins with an "S"
435
00:16:49,417 --> 00:16:50,900
and ends with an "...orry.
I didn't believe
436
00:16:51,069 --> 00:16:52,343
how bad a boy you could be,
Summers."
437
00:16:52,570 --> 00:16:54,495
Wynona: Would you stop
acting like that?
438
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,330
Summers: I thought
this was what you wanted.
439
00:16:56,499 --> 00:16:58,241
Wynona: What a woman wants is
not what we need,
440
00:16:58,409 --> 00:16:59,592
Which is exactly
the way we want it,
441
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,353
and I need you to understand
that, OK? Ugh!
442
00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:04,413
Summers: Uh...
[Applause]
443
00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:07,583
Harmony: Summers, before I
ask you your question,
444
00:17:07,602 --> 00:17:12,679
let's bring Trixie to the stage.
[Cheering]
445
00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:14,590
♪
446
00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:19,228
Your question is, What's
the hardest part about waiting?
447
00:17:19,430 --> 00:17:22,782
♪
448
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:26,360
Summers: There's so many
hard parts--the doubt, the pain,
449
00:17:26,454 --> 00:17:28,379
all the mistakes you make
along the way.
450
00:17:28,456 --> 00:17:31,607
But the hardest part--
the hardest part is
451
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:35,035
finding that someone
who's worth waiting for.
452
00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:38,130
And once you do that,
nothing seems hard.
453
00:17:38,283 --> 00:17:41,375
Trixie and spectators: Aw.
454
00:17:41,469 --> 00:17:43,119
Forest: No!
455
00:17:43,137 --> 00:17:46,046
The hardest part is
this town glorifying virginity
456
00:17:46,140 --> 00:17:47,899
because some lady 400 years ago
couldn't get laid.
457
00:17:48,126 --> 00:17:49,400
Maybe it's time you all see
458
00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:52,052
what a virgin sacrifice
really looks like.
459
00:17:52,146 --> 00:17:54,096
[Microphone feedback,
crowd gasps]
460
00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:55,556
♪
461
00:17:55,724 --> 00:18:02,246
[Timer beeping]
462
00:18:02,473 --> 00:18:05,157
Martinez: Oh, so this is why
you don't get close to family.
463
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:08,327
That way, it's easier
to watch them explode. Smart.
464
00:18:08,479 --> 00:18:10,070
♪
465
00:18:10,164 --> 00:18:12,331
Kang: Just leave it.
Save yourself.
466
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,575
Charlotte: No, I defuse it
or I die trying.
467
00:18:14,743 --> 00:18:16,910
Kang: I forbid you to stay here
any longer.
468
00:18:17,004 --> 00:18:18,245
Charlotte: Would you quit acting
like that?
469
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,098
Kang: Like what?
Charlotte: Forbidding me,
470
00:18:20,325 --> 00:18:21,657
giving me jackets.
471
00:18:21,826 --> 00:18:23,509
God. It's like you're my grandpa
or something.
472
00:18:23,661 --> 00:18:26,253
Kang: What if I kind of
was your grandpa?
473
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:29,165
Charlotte: Wha--what the hell
are you talking about?
474
00:18:29,334 --> 00:18:32,201
Kang: I am your great-grandpa.
475
00:18:32,203 --> 00:18:33,927
Charlotte:
And why would I believe that?
476
00:18:34,096 --> 00:18:35,671
Kang: Because you're just
like me.
477
00:18:35,764 --> 00:18:38,282
We both treat human connection
like it's a red wire--
478
00:18:38,509 --> 00:18:40,952
something to cut before it
blows up in our faces.
479
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,620
That's why I hide from my family
480
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,698
and why you date men you know
won't stick around.
481
00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:47,441
But if we don't change that,
482
00:18:47,535 --> 00:18:49,352
then we may as well
blow to pieces
483
00:18:49,445 --> 00:18:52,872
because what's the point of
living?
484
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,615
Charlotte: Grandpa.
485
00:18:54,709 --> 00:18:57,042
[Timer beeping]
486
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,044
Kang: Oh, crap.
487
00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:01,973
[Pop, horn blows]
488
00:19:02,124 --> 00:19:03,957
[Slow clapping]
489
00:19:04,051 --> 00:19:06,293
Kang: Flute?
What the hell was that?
490
00:19:06,387 --> 00:19:09,722
Flute: That was 35.95
at the gender reveal store,
491
00:19:09,874 --> 00:19:11,390
but the lesson was priceless.
492
00:19:11,542 --> 00:19:13,058
Still going to Zelle you for it,
though.
493
00:19:13,227 --> 00:19:14,652
Kang: You called in
a bomb threat
494
00:19:14,879 --> 00:19:17,880
to finally bring us together?
Flute: No. I did it
495
00:19:17,899 --> 00:19:19,490
so you'd give me your blessing
to have sex with her again,
496
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:23,310
but sure.
So can I have it, please?
497
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,221
Charlotte: Actually, Flute,
I've realized
498
00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:27,314
my adrenaline-fueled
sex addiction
499
00:19:27,483 --> 00:19:30,150
was because I was scared of
real connections.
500
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,411
But now that I've made one,
501
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,322
I'm realizing I need to work
on me for a little while.
502
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:36,916
[Haltingly]
Flute: And that was
503
00:19:37,084 --> 00:19:39,068
the second lesson
I was teaching.
504
00:19:39,237 --> 00:19:42,571
So, so glad it worked out.
505
00:19:42,590 --> 00:19:45,165
Kang: Hey, I'm sorry about
Charlotte
506
00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:47,852
and for puncturing your lung
during the fight.
507
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,803
Flute: Maybe I'm destined
to be alone
508
00:19:49,931 --> 00:19:51,597
and only have one working lung.
509
00:19:51,766 --> 00:19:54,433
Kang: You know, it might
be good to get it some cardio.
510
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,769
Maybe we could take that
tandem bike ride this weekend.
511
00:19:56,921 --> 00:19:58,679
[Flute inhales deeply]
Flute: Really?
512
00:19:58,847 --> 00:20:00,847
I mean, uh, yeah. That sounds--
513
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,392
[Wheezes]
great.
514
00:20:03,594 --> 00:20:05,018
♪
515
00:20:05,263 --> 00:20:07,446
Summers: Forest,
why are you doing this?
516
00:20:07,598 --> 00:20:09,598
Forest: Because this town
idolizes virginity,
517
00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:11,858
when everywhere else, people try
to get rid of it.
518
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:14,119
I wasted my life training
to be a virgin,
519
00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:16,288
learning to juggle,
skipping the gym every day,
520
00:20:16,457 --> 00:20:18,216
memorizing all the words to
"Zootopia."
521
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:19,884
I'm doing this to make a point,
522
00:20:20,111 --> 00:20:21,886
so that nobody ever
has to do it again.
523
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,296
That's why there is
a bomb in my stomach.
524
00:20:24,465 --> 00:20:27,783
Summers: And I bet it's a big
one since you're so backed up.
525
00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:30,286
Forest:
No. I mean I'm gonna blow.
526
00:20:30,304 --> 00:20:33,046
Summers: And it's OK if you do.
You're wearing pants.
527
00:20:33,215 --> 00:20:37,460
Forest: No. There's a bomb
inside of me!
528
00:20:37,478 --> 00:20:39,386
Summers:
There's a bomb inside us all,
529
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,555
but once it explodes,
you'll realize it's harmless.
530
00:20:41,649 --> 00:20:42,798
[Boom]
531
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,016
[Spectators screaming]
532
00:20:44,226 --> 00:20:46,577
Summers: Oh.
That's what he meant.
533
00:20:46,804 --> 00:20:47,578
[Buzz]
534
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:48,821
[Fanfare]
535
00:20:48,973 --> 00:20:51,749
[Cheering and applause]
536
00:21:00,835 --> 00:21:02,576
Harmony: And now the transfer of
the chastity belt and crown
537
00:21:02,670 --> 00:21:06,097
from last year's winner
to this year's winner.
538
00:21:06,324 --> 00:21:08,432
Former winner: Finally I'm free.
539
00:21:08,659 --> 00:21:11,769
My mandatory year of celibacy
is up.
540
00:21:11,996 --> 00:21:13,345
Summers: Mandatory year of
what, now?
541
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,439
[Cheering]
542
00:21:15,666 --> 00:21:17,591
[Wynona laughing]
543
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:20,169
Summers: I wonder if I should
stop liking her.
544
00:21:20,262 --> 00:21:21,837
Nah. I could wait a year.
545
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:24,931
I once waited three years
for "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
546
00:21:25,026 --> 00:21:27,451
Ha ha! Larry David.
547
00:21:27,678 --> 00:21:29,578
[Tuba music on soundtrack]
548
00:21:33,684 --> 00:21:34,458
Person: Bento.
[Cheering]
41913
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