Original subtitles

-? Look up there ? -? What do you see? ?

? Nature and stuff ?

-? Like a rock ? -? And a tree ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Way up here, you can breathe the air ?

? Catch some fish ?

? Or gaze at a bear ?

? Wow ?

? Oh, the Great North ?

? Here we live, oh, oh ?

? Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ?

? From longest night to longest day ?

? In the Great North. ?

[cheering]

? ?

[woman] It is complete.

He will be pleased.

Let us offer the tribute.

-[both] For our sins. -For our sins.

-Sorry. -Come on.

We're all supposed to say it at the same time

-Honor the tribute. -Honor the tribute.

-Honor the tribute. -Again?

Sorry, sorry. I-I'm bad at saying things

at the same time as other people.

[sighs] Okay, let's go.

Oh, wait, I-I forgot my sunglasses.

-Oh, my God. -It was light when we started

a-and I bought them special to fit over my mask,

so I really wanted to use them.

Guys, we got to get out of here before he gets here.

Coming!

Oh, wait, I-I dropped my glasses.

-[crunch] -Aw, I stepped on them.

[animal snarling]

[Beef snoring]

[alarm beeps, stops]

The sun is rising, let it begin.

Oh, my God. Today's the day.

Today's the flipping day!

It's here.

Oh, hell yeah.

[both] Let's freaking do this!

Schedules have been cleared, phones have been silenced.

Now it's time to leave the world behind

and leave our behinds in our chairs.

Board game? More like Tobin cocaine.

It's time to play...

[all] We've Settled!

[Moon] Farmers of Hogden.

Who's ready to plant some crops,

grow some crops and, if we're lucky,

harvest some crops?!

And...

(imitates fanfare)

...fresh off the delivery truck yesterday,

the new expansion pack:

Horses and Hayfields!

I won't say "neigh!" to that.

Oh, my God.

You sure you don't want to play, Honeybee?

Do I want to spend my entire Saturday

playing the world's slowest and most complicated game?

I feel a yes coming on.

That's gonna continue to be, with love, a "hell no."

-I'm no fool. -There's nothing foolish

about We've Settled: Farmers of Hogden,

Horses and Hayfields expansion.

Unless you trade two sheep for a bale of hay

-before you build your well. -[laughing]

If any of you did that- I'm not kidding-

I would take you to the hospital.

I will never understand this family's love

of doing stuff the slow way.

I swear, this game is slower than actual farming.

It is. Says so right on the box.

How did Aunt Dirt get out of playing with you guys?

Oh, uh, we asked her.

I believe her response was,

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

Then she said she'd rather go back into the bunker

for another 60 years.

I think she's bluffing, but time will tell.

Oh, oh, oh! The expansion has wooden carrots,

a bag of tiny plastic locusts-

Oh! And 60 more pages of rules!

Cha-ching.

Well, I'm gonna try out that new pizza oven

Wolf ordered off eBay

last time he went out drinking with Cheesecake.

What can I say? I love to blackout bid.

I'm gonna make you all personal pizzas for lunch

so you don't have to pause the fun.

Delish, my bish.

Oh, uh, sorry I called you a bish.

I love and respect you.

I'm thinking of doing something crazy with my toppings.

Like, what about... [giggles]

...extra cheese?

Oh, no. Our father hath gone mad.

Oh! Ugh, this stupid chair.

It's always wobbling.

Sorry, Judy. I'll have that fixed soon.

I'm still making replicas of the chair to put through

-my ten-point stress test so- -[scoffs]

I got you, Judy. This one leg just needs

an extra half-inch of height.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Boom.

-Try it now. -Ooh. It's solid.

My butt once again feels secure. Thanks, Honeybee.

And that, folks, is what you call a Bee-line.

That's the fun phrase I started saying

for all of Honeybee's little quick fixes.

Feel free to use it. I'm hoping it catches on.

Hmm. That quick fix might hold for now,

but I will eventually need to drink coffee on the go

again in the future.

Okay, I hear you on that, Beef,

but I like to solve problems immediately.

You can continue your slow

and complicated Beef-line on it later.

Deal. Well, I'm gonna go get my day started.

Have fun with your pretend wheat fields.

It's hayfields.

Ha! You must be so embarrassed.

Girl, I am not.

Is there anything more exciting

than settling one's land for eight to nine hours?

Oh, okay, well, someone's planning on a quick game.

? ?

? Life is like a tanning bed ?

? Warm and bright and then you're dead ?

? Tan... ? What's happening?

-Aah! Aah! -Oh, hey, Honeybee.

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Worst accident I've seen in years.

-12 dead... -[gasps]

-...mannequins. -Why did you pause like that?

Eh, it's been a slow day.

I'm just trying to have a little fun here.

They were supposed to be delivered to the mall

but there aren't any survivors.

So, how long do you think it'll take to get the road cleared?

Legally, we aren't allowed to move the mannequins

until we notify the next of kin,

by which I mean the owners of the department stores,

but I'll do my best.

Dang it, that just means she's gonna nap in her car.

[snoring softly]

[Honeybee] Huh. That fire access road

would take me around this whole mess.

And those cones look extremely movable.

Hey! Put those cones back.

You can't use that road.

It's fine. Looks a little bumpy, but I can handle it.

You foolish woman. You'll invite his wrath.

You'll be cursed. He'll come for you!

Bye, Vera. Her weird, cranky ass cracks me up.

? ?

Aah!

Girl, what in the Wicker Man was that?

Ugh. Hope that wasn't important to anyone.

-[button clicks] -? Inhibitions ?

? Feel the rain on your skin ?

? No one else can feel it for you ?

? Only you can let it in ?

-[snarling] -? No one else... ?

[Beef] And now I take two soil cards

and wait five turns

for my crops to grow. [giggles]

This game is a [bleep] blast.

[rustling]

[panting]

What the... Is someone out there?

Just so you know, I got a house full of white people

and they're real woodsy.

-Hello? -He'll come for you!

Damn Vera. Haunting me with her spooky words.

She's gonna be a great ghost someday, though.

[fire whooshes]

Aah! Oh, no! Oh, no!

I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

[exhales]

Would anyone like to plant corn near my night barn?

-It's gonna cost you one wife. -Okay, Moon,

your gummy worm, hot dog, pepperoni pizza is ready.

Mmm. Now, I'm not complaining, just curious,

but is there a reason this maybe tastes

exactly like lighter fluid?

Oh, yeah. I used starter logs to get the pizza oven going faster.

-Hmm. -I know you don't love those, Beef.

Well, in my opinion, using them is cheating at fire.

[gasps] It's a Bee-line.

Yes! It's catching on.

With one person. Who is my brother.

Mmm, tastes like the gas station.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

All right, I don't want to catch contact boredom

by hanging around you guys, so I'm gonna go

grab a coffee at Maude's.

[snarling]

Aah!

Drag me to what the hell?

Well, that should do it.

I think this was Vera. [chuckles]

It would be like her to sharpen a stick

just to stab my tire with it.

Uh, this wasn't sharpened, it was gnawed on.

And that wouldn't be Vera. She gets her nephew Randall

to do all of her biting for her, and he's in jail.

Got any other enemies?

[chuckles] No.

I-I mean, I did hit a weird wood thing

on the fire access road earlier,

-[gasps] -and I kind of knocked it into the river.

So, maybe whoever it belonged to?

Wood on the fire access road? The tribute.

-I must alert the council. -What?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Uh, uh, no charge. Just, uh, please go.

-Are you sure? -Yes.

Uh, just get off of my property, please.

Uh, go, go, go, go.

Okay. See you at book club next week?

I thought Bridges of Madison County Two: Overpasses

was pretty good.

And since I don't have

any land to give you,

I must draw an acreage card.

Here we go. [chuckles]

Three acres!

-[gasps] -[laughs] Oh! -That's insane!

-What? -Looks like there's a new dairy farmer in town.

? ?

[whispers] Honor the tribute.

Dang, Lisa Vanderpump got another swan?

The mini hippos are not gonna like that.

-[door creaks] -[snarling]

What?

-[thumping] -[clattering]

[metal scraping]

Uh, hello?

-[snarling] -[clattering]

Uh, there are two stalls. Use the other one.

[snarling]

[Honeybee shouts]

If you're a murderer, you have to tell me.

[door closes]

[gasps]

Maude? Maude?!

Somebody...

All right, this is the part of the horror movie

when you stop asking questions and start fully sprinting.

[panting]

-Okay. -[engine starts]

Come on, come on, Wolf, please pick up.

-[Wolf over phone] Hello? -Hey, Wolf,

-something really strange is happening- -Just kidding.

-Do your thing at the beep. -Ugh! Gets me every time.

-Aah! -[snarling]

-What is that? -[thumping]

Oh, God, oh, no. It found me.

Vera must have cursed me. I'm damned!

Aah!

Oh, God.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

-[shouts] -[snarling]

? ?

[panting, screaming]

And I will take one mud token.

Oh, damn.

-[door opens] -Something's after me!

-What? -I took a shortcut- -Bee-line.

yes, Bee-line- down a dirt road this morning,

even though Vera yelled at me not to,

and she told me some sort of wrath

would come for me and something did come for me.

Some kind of Freddy Krueger or Jason or Michael Myers or-

-Wait, The Love Guru? -No, but he's also a monster.

And whatever it is, it was on my car

and it's probably gonna kill us all

and are you guys seriously still playing this game?

I mean, technically, we haven't actually started,

-we're still dividing resources, but- -Oh, my God.

Wait, which road did you say you took?

The fire access road that goes by the river.

And I maybe also kind of knocked over

this weird log thingy and it went in the river and-

-Dear Lord. The tribute. -Honor the tribute.

Honor the tribute.

-Honor the tribute. -Honor the tribute.

Why is everybody saying that?

Why did I leave Fresno?

-[snarling] -[scraping on roof]

Oh, my God, that sound- I'd know it anywhere.

The clickety-clack of razor-sharp claws.

-He's on the roof. -Who is?

What the hell is happening?

What's happening is that the terror you've unleashed

is worse than any horror even the twisted mind

of John Krasinski could imagine.

What-what... what is it?

It's Steven Motherthumping Beaver.

I'm sorry, who?

[snarling]

Hit the lights.

Everyone, remain calm.

And prepare for death.

We've got a Code Fuchsia, people-

beaver with a grudge- and it's not a drill.

[snarling, hissing]

[Honeybee] Wait,

are you saying this beaver

has a grudge against me

specifically because I knocked over

a stupid pile of wood?

Babe, I love you, but honor the tribute.

[all] Honor the tribute.

Okay, someone better explain

why everyone keeps talking about a tribute.

Allow me to tell the tale.

The beaver feud is as old as Lone Moose itself.

It began back in ye olde days, when the dum-dum settlers

pissed off Steven's great, great, great, great,

great, great, great grandpa, Phineus Beaver.

Some drunk olde-timey fellas who were too lazy

to cut down trees...

[Beef] Shame on them.

[Judy] ...stole the wood

from his dam and used it

to build the original town hall.

[Beef] So Phineus stole it back,

-collapsed the first town hall -[exclaims]

right on Mayor Pecan's head.

[Judy] But his bloodlust was not quenched.

Phineus then turned his wrath on the entire town.

What a beautiful and perfect day on the river.

-[hisses] -Oh, no, wait,

I was wrong, I'm dying. Aah!

[Judy] Lone Moose had created a monster.

[chuckles] Well, what are you doing in there, little fella?

-You're not a letter. -[hisses]

Aah!

[Honeybee] So why not just kill the damn thing?

[Beef] Oh, they tried.

Myrtle Jones famously shot Phineus' son,

Herbert Beaver, in the spring of 1915.

Not only did Herbert survive,

he returned with his entire colony to pay Myrtle back.

The feud only intensified from there.

[cackling, hissing]

But then, a few years ago, Mayor Peppers,

inspired by the disgraced mayor before him,

had a great idea: bribery.

So then we went back to what started

this whole feud in the first place: wood.

A tribute of wood in all the beavers' favorite flavors-

aspen, spruce, willows...

You forgot poplars.

Oh, my God, brain fart.

Poplars.

It was an all-you-can-munch beavers' buffet.

And it worked.

[Judy] Thus, the Lone Moose Beaver Council

was formed to make sure the tribute

would be left every year. But now that peace is over...

Oh, no.

And it's all because of me. Wait.

Why is it so quiet?

Where'd he go?

[whimpering] Where is he?

[hisses]

-[all scream] -He's here!

Oh, my God, that tiny little rat thing

knocked a whole tree down on this house?

What does he want?

Revenge.

But deep down, probably love.

That 60-pound rodent out there is a relentless,

hyper-intelligent, flat-tailed rage monster

that never forgets a grievance.

And never forgives.

Okay, everyone stay low and grab some kind of weapon,

whatever you can-

[hisses]

[all screaming]

[Ham] Get him off me! Aah!

Oh, God, beaver spit. Gross!

I think I swallowed some.

Close your mouth, Ham!

I can't. I'm too surprised.

[screeches]

Get to the panic room. Now!

[all exclaiming]

-Is everyone okay? -No.

-I've been bitten. -Oh, no. Where?

Right there! See?

Oh, well, hmm.

I guess that's actually just an old scab.

But a very large amount of Steven's spit

did end up in my mouth and I think I'm-

I'm turning into a beaver. Aah!

I can feel it! Oh!

Ham, that's not how beavers are made.

You don't know, Judy.

You haven't seen the things I've seen!

We should definitely chain Ham up outside, just to be safe.

Well, we can't go out now. Steven's still here.

I can smell him through the door.

Yep, that is one smelly beaver.

-[chuckling] -Son, don't say-

What? I've never smelled a beaver

that smelled that bad before.

It's, like, a very distinct funk.

-[chuckling] -What's so funny?

Guys, focus. What's the play?

We tell the council what happened?

-They solve the Steven problem? -We can try,

but they spend most of the year arguing about

whose turn it is to bring snacks to the council meetings.

They couldn't even stop you from taking out the tribute.

Half of their plan relies on traffic cones.

[all exclaim]

Why did we trap ourselves in here?

That door won't protect us for long.

That bastard can bite.

If we live, I swear I will

do everything the long, boring way like you guys.

Oh, no, don't do that.

I love the Bee-lines.

Yeah, they're cool as hell.

Wait, really? You guys don't hate my quick fixes?

They're inspiring. I wish I could overthink things less.

Huh, you said it.

Look, I'm a huge fan of quiet contemplation,

but there are times when that is not what is needed.

-[all] Aah! -Like now.

Yep, like now.

So if anyone has a Bee-line cooking,

let's hear it.

Uh, you got it. Uh, um...

I know. Let me turn full beaver,

marry Steven, and ruin his life

with decades of passive aggression.

Or we get him into a new hobby,

like making his own beer or pickleball?

-Yeah, I'd take a pickleball class with him. -I've always wanted to learn.

Oh, I know. Let's do the thing Moon did

during the part of your stupid game I overheard.

-What did I do? -You, like, flooded your land

and that destroyed Wolf's hog lots.

[laughs] Hell yeah.

That's what we do. We make the beaver

someone else's problem by sending his dam...

...downriver to the worst town in the world, Ted's Folly.

Yes! Steven Beaver and Ted's Folly deserve each other.

All right. Let's Bee-line that B-hole off our B-acks.

[Steven munching, hissing]

[Honeybee] All right, he's almost through.

-Everyone know what to do? -Yep.

I stay here, turn into a beaver

and probably eat my whole family.

Sure. But does everyone else know what they're doing?

[murmuring agreements]

Distractions, go.

[grunting]

-[hissing] -[all] Aah!

-[grunting] -Hey, Steven.

Over here, you toothy old bag.

-Aah, aah! -Oh, he's coming!

Time to go. Beef, grab the matches.

-[Beef] Got 'em. -[Honeybee] And the starter logs.

Ham, stop acting like you're becoming a beaver

and hand me that stack of old homework.

It'll make great kindling.

Oh, of course, apologies,

I am just so hungry for lumber since I became a beaver.

[low murmuring]

That's beaver for "good luck."

Step one: load up the van with wood.

I've got just the thing.

? ?

Jumpin' John Carpenter. Judy's chairs.

27 exact replicas of her chair

to test out various wobble fixes.

Why not just give her a whole new chair?

I told you, Honeybee, I am not a well man.

I've got a Bee-line for that too, but I'll save it for later.

Let's load up. The council is en route.

[panting]

How long do we have to keep running?

Until we see smoke rising from the dam.

Honeybee said that's our cue.

Whew! Oh, I am getting tuckered out.

I wish I'd worn the cargos I invented

that store up to 20 bottles of Gatorade.

Yep, I made fun of your Sports Shorts

but now I'm the one who looks like a fool.

[grunts, screams]

-Wolf! -Oh. Oh! Oh, no.

[whimpers]

So, I hear you have some kind of plan

to get rid of this nasty beaver?

Yep, we just need help stacking these chairs here

on Steven's dam.

Okay, but first, I will need

to take attendance for the council.

-Vera? -Oh, my God, just start building, Roy.

Well, my records will be incomplete.

[all grunting]

Step two: let's use these starter logs to finish this.

Positions!

Dam you to hell!

Burn, baby, burn!

[Judy gasps] The smoke.

That's our signal.

[Wolf] Aah! No, no, no, no! Aah!

Here we go.

[Wolf yells]

Beaver incoming!

Come on, come on. Take the bait, you buck-toothed bitch.

Hey, Steven. I'm in your house now.

[hisses]

Ugh, so beautiful.

[sighs] Gotta get my ass to Burning Man.

Chain saws, go!

[snarling]

[hisses]

[Wolf] Here.

I brought you a blanket and a cup of coffee

just like they do in every movie

once a woman's been through a whole ordeal.

Thanks.

Can't believe it's finally over.

That beaver might not have taken our lives

or the house, but he did get my whole evening,

and that's not right.

You did it. We're safe.

Steven is gone.

-For now. -For now?

-For now. -For now. -And all it took

was incredible violence and minimal thought.

That's the Honeybee way.

Is that the... lesson here?

Aah! Again? Is it me?

Is my butt too sharp?

Looks like the leg got a little loose, but, uh...

Now, shall we reset our land and get back to settling?

You know what?

I think I'll give this stupid game a try.

-Maybe something slow could be nice. Yes!

Okay, so, first off

you got to pick your favorite mineral.

Let me grab you the Mineral Masters Guide.

-[giggles] It's so fun. -Wait, wait, no.

I'm changing my mind, this is too dorky.

Too late, babe. You're in it now.

? ?

Oh, yeah, this is a big one.

Damn it!

A log?

-[hisses] -Aah. Oh, no!

No, no, no, no...!

[squish]

? Mineral, minerals, minerals, minerals ?

? Read back to front to learn them all ?

? Minerals, minerals, minerals, minerals ?

? Let's do a mineral roll call ?

? Iron, potassium, magnesium, calcium, sulfur ?

? Travertine, limestone, yum-yum-yum silica ?

? Biotite, olivine, lookin' fine ?

? Topaz and diamonds and quartz ?

? There's a mineral called hornblende ?

? Go ahead and tell a friend ?

? That'll really blow up their shorts ?

? When you're playing We've Settled ?

? You better know your gems and your metals ?

? Or your crops will die and so will you. ?

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