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1
00:00:03,896 --> 00:00:05,170
I feel like I have boogers.
2
00:00:05,341 --> 00:00:07,174
Do I have time to snot rocket?
Oh, we're on?
3
00:00:07,346 --> 00:00:09,921
Hi. I'm here reporting live
on the eve of the Virgin Games,
4
00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:11,853
where 50 virgins will compete
5
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:14,767
and the biggest loser
will be our winner.
6
00:00:14,865 --> 00:00:16,606
But how did we get here?
7
00:00:16,778 --> 00:00:20,571
In 1863, virgin Elsinore Crupp
was to be sacrificed
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00:00:20,713 --> 00:00:22,271
by our forefathers in the hopes
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00:00:22,366 --> 00:00:25,051
of putting an end to
a particularly windy weekend.
10
00:00:25,282 --> 00:00:26,705
However,
her beheading was botched,
11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,286
and for three days straight,
she cursed our town,
12
00:00:29,308 --> 00:00:30,291
Which is why today
13
00:00:30,461 --> 00:00:31,794
our murder rate is so high
14
00:00:31,889 --> 00:00:33,464
and our internet so laggy.
15
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,303
Since then, Elsinore's
refusal to obey her elders
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00:00:36,476 --> 00:00:38,326
has made her a cult icon to
anyone
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00:00:38,481 --> 00:00:40,481
who has ever met a boomer,
giving Grimsburg
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00:00:40,578 --> 00:00:43,654
the largest virgin population
outside of Mickey's Toontown.
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00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,661
And here's one of her fans
now already lined up
20
00:00:46,759 --> 00:00:47,943
to get in first.
21
00:00:48,188 --> 00:00:50,763
Sir, how are you honoring
virgins today?
22
00:00:50,936 --> 00:00:52,120
Will you be watching
Zack Snyder's
23
00:00:52,290 --> 00:00:54,682
director's cut
of "Justice League"?
24
00:00:54,704 --> 00:00:55,777
Sir?
25
00:00:55,874 --> 00:00:57,781
[Boom]
26
00:00:57,879 --> 00:01:00,029
I guess we'll never know.
27
00:01:00,050 --> 00:01:02,217
Back to you people
in the studio,
28
00:01:02,389 --> 00:01:04,206
whose jobs I deeply covet.
29
00:01:04,302 --> 00:01:06,895
You know, I just--
I'm just gonna snot rocket.
30
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,351
[theme music playing]
31
00:01:09,557 --> 00:01:25,755
?
32
00:01:25,931 --> 00:01:26,747
[Crack]
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00:01:29,105 --> 00:01:30,621
?
34
00:01:30,718 --> 00:01:32,033
Kang: You OK, Flute?
35
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:33,704
You seem to be binge drinking
more than usual.
36
00:01:33,874 --> 00:01:35,558
Flute: Not a lot of
great options tonight.
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00:01:35,788 --> 00:01:37,288
Even the beer goggles
aren't working.
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00:01:37,384 --> 00:01:40,218
Time for some liquor Lasik.
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00:01:40,242 --> 00:01:42,075
Ooh! Check her out.
40
00:01:42,305 --> 00:01:43,320
Incorrectly buttoned cardigan,
41
00:01:43,415 --> 00:01:44,915
half cried-off mascara,
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00:01:45,087 --> 00:01:46,811
credit card stuck to the back of
her thigh.
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00:01:46,832 --> 00:01:48,906
Looks like I just found
the love of my night.
44
00:01:49,005 --> 00:01:51,338
Kang: Maybe it's time to ditch
the one-night stands,
45
00:01:51,510 --> 00:01:53,844
try connecting with someone
on a deeper level.
46
00:01:53,924 --> 00:01:56,276
Flute: That's rich, coming from
someone who lives alone,
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00:01:56,430 --> 00:01:58,781
doesn't date, and refuses to
hang out with me on the weekends
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00:01:58,954 --> 00:02:00,345
even though any idiot could see
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00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,015
we'd have a lovely time
on a tandem bike.
50
00:02:02,111 --> 00:02:04,370
Kang: My solitary lifestyle is
a choice.
51
00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:06,042
As an immortal, I've made
more than enough connections
52
00:02:06,197 --> 00:02:07,788
over the centuries.
53
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:10,310
I'm all out of small talk
and orgasms.
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00:02:10,465 --> 00:02:12,316
Flute: That can happen?
Kang: It can...
55
00:02:12,470 --> 00:02:13,969
if you live long enough
56
00:02:14,140 --> 00:02:15,899
and look this good.
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00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:17,570
[Music playing]
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00:02:17,724 --> 00:02:21,226
Flute: I'll just close out
our tabs.
59
00:02:21,325 --> 00:02:24,159
Woman: Hey, bartender,
I need two shots.
60
00:02:24,332 --> 00:02:26,074
I get a shot of whiskey
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00:02:26,170 --> 00:02:28,429
and you get a shot
to take me home.
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00:02:28,526 --> 00:02:32,362
All you need to do is say
the magic word.
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00:02:32,536 --> 00:02:35,537
Flute: Elevator, lemonade, spa,
gargantuan, bicycle, fortress,
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00:02:35,769 --> 00:02:37,786
oolong, radio, radical,
radiation therapy.
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00:02:37,941 --> 00:02:39,699
Wait. No, that's two words.
Was it one of those words?
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00:02:39,721 --> 00:02:41,537
Because I could split them up.
Woman: It was please.
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00:02:41,558 --> 00:02:42,966
Flute: Never would've
guessed that.
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00:02:43,138 --> 00:02:45,880
Woman: Even better. Let's go.
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00:02:45,903 --> 00:02:46,977
[Crash]
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00:02:47,147 --> 00:02:51,891
?
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00:02:51,993 --> 00:02:53,066
Flute: Uh!
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00:02:53,162 --> 00:02:56,163
?
73
00:02:56,262 --> 00:02:57,577
[2 gunshots]
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00:02:57,673 --> 00:02:59,932
I gotta figure out
how safeties work.
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00:03:00,162 --> 00:03:01,603
[Woman chuckles]
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00:03:01,683 --> 00:03:03,667
Flute: Ahh.
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00:03:03,763 --> 00:03:07,431
[Birds chirping, Flute groans]
78
00:03:07,530 --> 00:03:09,104
?
79
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:10,609
[Soft thud]
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00:03:10,780 --> 00:03:12,797
Woman:
Wait. Why are you sneaking out?
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00:03:12,969 --> 00:03:14,360
This is your place.
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00:03:14,531 --> 00:03:16,455
Flute: Oh, right.
I guess it's just habit.
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00:03:16,478 --> 00:03:19,036
Woman: Please. I sleep
in so many strangers' beds,
84
00:03:19,209 --> 00:03:22,043
my memory foam mattress
doesn't remember me anymore.
85
00:03:22,066 --> 00:03:23,382
Flute: Well, for a pro,
you're not great at it.
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00:03:23,554 --> 00:03:25,887
You almost forgot your purse.
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00:03:25,984 --> 00:03:28,335
First rule of smash and dash--
can't come back once you leave.
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00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:30,733
Woman: True, but you
broke the biggest rule
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00:03:30,829 --> 00:03:32,754
of a one and done--
you're talking to me.
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00:03:32,851 --> 00:03:34,667
Flute: Gross game recognizes
gross game.
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00:03:34,839 --> 00:03:36,523
I know this
goes against the rules,
92
00:03:36,677 --> 00:03:38,694
but you want to grab breakfast?
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00:03:38,849 --> 00:03:40,866
Woman: The walk of shame is
where I get most of my steps in,
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00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,429
but sure.
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00:03:42,449 --> 00:03:44,375
[Vehicle approaching]
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00:03:44,605 --> 00:03:46,029
Flute: Kang, I did it.
I took your advice, and I
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00:03:46,276 --> 00:03:47,533
made a connection.
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00:03:47,704 --> 00:03:49,555
Did you know you can talk
to a woman after sex
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00:03:49,709 --> 00:03:51,876
and not just apologies?
Kang: Good for you.
100
00:03:52,123 --> 00:03:53,380
What's her name?
101
00:03:53,402 --> 00:03:56,052
Flute:
I don't know. I'm not a perv.
102
00:03:56,224 --> 00:03:57,741
Wynona: Bad news. Nobody's dead.
103
00:03:57,896 --> 00:04:00,396
The bomb was attached to
a mannequin.
104
00:04:00,645 --> 00:04:03,329
Total corpse tease.
But he did leave a note.
105
00:04:03,485 --> 00:04:04,759
Flute: "Virginity is a disease.
106
00:04:04,913 --> 00:04:06,671
"Cancel the games
or there will be
107
00:04:06,843 --> 00:04:09,752
an actual virgin sacrifice
when I bomb the finals."
108
00:04:09,775 --> 00:04:12,334
Martinez: Which is why we need
someone on the inside--
109
00:04:12,449 --> 00:04:15,007
a virgin who can pose
as a contestant
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00:04:15,105 --> 00:04:16,437
and make it to the finals.
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00:04:16,459 --> 00:04:18,483
Otis the kid detective,
you're up.
112
00:04:18,613 --> 00:04:21,298
Otis: Sorry, Chief, but I banged
my neighbor last night.
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00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:23,545
Still got the bandage
on my knee to prove it.
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00:04:23,643 --> 00:04:25,309
Summers: I could do it.
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00:04:25,481 --> 00:04:27,889
Technically, 74.2%
of my new body is a virgin,
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00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:30,154
and so was the other 25.8%.
117
00:04:30,308 --> 00:04:33,160
Wynona: Please. Summers
can't make it to the finals,
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00:04:33,392 --> 00:04:35,575
and I should know.
I used to be a Virgin...
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00:04:35,822 --> 00:04:37,172
[Summers gasps]
Games winner.
120
00:04:37,325 --> 00:04:38,342
[Summers gasps loudly]
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00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:39,512
Summers:
Don't say anything else.
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00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:41,574
I have no more room for gasps!
123
00:04:41,670 --> 00:04:43,412
Martinez: Then it sounds like
you're the perfect candidate
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00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:45,024
to coach him, Wynona.
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00:04:45,179 --> 00:04:46,862
Summers: And I thought being
a grown man who's never had sex
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00:04:47,017 --> 00:04:48,608
couldn't get any better.
127
00:04:48,779 --> 00:04:50,446
Bomb squad officer: Sorry,
folks. We just got reports
128
00:04:50,601 --> 00:04:52,951
of another bomb about to go off.
129
00:04:53,048 --> 00:04:54,864
Seems this morning someone here
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00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:57,128
ate three
chorizo breakfast burritos.
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00:04:57,225 --> 00:05:00,301
Flute: Sex woman? You never
told me you were bomb squad.
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00:05:00,458 --> 00:05:01,733
Bomb squad officer:
And you never told me you were
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00:05:01,962 --> 00:05:03,811
a detective,
sweat-a-lot-during-sex man.
134
00:05:03,908 --> 00:05:06,558
Supervisor:
Hey, come take a look at this.
135
00:05:06,582 --> 00:05:08,974
Flute: Kang, she's the one
I connected with last night
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00:05:09,071 --> 00:05:10,237
and then again this morning
in the handicapped stall
137
00:05:10,257 --> 00:05:11,481
at the diner.
138
00:05:11,502 --> 00:05:12,985
Maybe I should ask for her name.
139
00:05:13,156 --> 00:05:15,657
Kang: It's Charlotte.
Flute: You perv.
140
00:05:15,772 --> 00:05:17,830
Wait. How do you know that?
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00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:21,186
Kang: Because that is my great-
great-great-great-great-great-
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00:05:21,285 --> 00:05:25,028
great-great-great-great-great-
great-granddaughter
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00:05:25,202 --> 00:05:26,852
you're talking about!
Flute: Well, you should be proud
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00:05:26,948 --> 00:05:29,707
because she is great, great,
great, great, great, great,
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00:05:29,806 --> 00:05:34,216
great, great, great, great,
great, great, great at sex...
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00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,058
respectfully.
147
00:05:36,212 --> 00:05:37,487
?
148
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:38,990
Why haven't we heard
about her before?
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00:05:39,162 --> 00:05:41,496
Kang: Well, because
she doesn't know I exist.
150
00:05:41,650 --> 00:05:42,983
Outside of you guys,
I don't tell anyone
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00:05:43,230 --> 00:05:45,840
about my immortality,
especially family.
152
00:05:45,995 --> 00:05:47,737
Summers: But family is the most
important thing there is,
153
00:05:47,832 --> 00:05:49,832
according to every piece of
wall art they sell at Target.
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00:05:50,081 --> 00:05:52,339
Kang: It's way too painful
outliving your family.
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00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:54,269
I can't lose another
grandson to dementia,
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00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,015
so I stay away from them all,
157
00:05:56,111 --> 00:05:58,445
which is why I'd like you
to stop seeing her, Flute.
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00:05:58,618 --> 00:06:00,267
Flute: Good one.
To be honest, I don't get it,
159
00:06:00,364 --> 00:06:02,197
but I can tell it's a joke,
and that's why I said "Good one"
160
00:06:02,218 --> 00:06:03,718
instead of laughing.
Kang: I'm serious, Flute.
161
00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:06,298
You can't see her.
Flute: You can't forbid me.
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00:06:06,454 --> 00:06:08,212
Kang: I can, and I just did!
Martinez: Children, please.
163
00:06:08,383 --> 00:06:10,475
Don't make me take off
a chancla.
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00:06:10,648 --> 00:06:12,239
I need you three to figure out
where this bomb came from.
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00:06:12,410 --> 00:06:14,243
Flute: Three?
166
00:06:14,398 --> 00:06:16,640
Charlotte: Hey, guys.
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00:06:16,813 --> 00:06:18,254
Narrator: Will Kang
ever allow himself
168
00:06:18,408 --> 00:06:19,740
to get close to Charlotte?
169
00:06:19,762 --> 00:06:21,411
Will Charlotte's
lack of a father figure
170
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,508
keep her from
true intimacy with Flute?
171
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:24,920
Will Flute ever learn
how safeties work?
172
00:06:25,091 --> 00:06:26,683
[Gunshot]
173
00:06:26,837 --> 00:06:28,278
And will Murphy's coworkers
ever discover
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00:06:28,508 --> 00:06:31,526
that his big secret is
he's actually using the copier
175
00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:33,198
for personal business?
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00:06:33,295 --> 00:06:34,962
All that and less
when we return.
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00:06:39,535 --> 00:06:42,203
Flute: But why can I date
Charlotte? She's perfect for me.
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00:06:42,375 --> 00:06:43,984
She's pretty.
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00:06:45,975 --> 00:06:48,568
Kang: That's it?
Sounded like there was more.
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00:06:48,666 --> 00:06:50,907
Flute: Fine. She's also funny
and drinks to excess.
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00:06:51,006 --> 00:06:52,839
I could really see myself
settling down
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00:06:52,993 --> 00:06:55,160
to a long consecutive series of
one-night stands with her.
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00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,832
Kang: Don't cross me, Flute.
Flute: I'll do what I want.
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00:06:58,005 --> 00:06:59,522
Kang: You may be a stubborn
little boy, but I'm
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00:06:59,693 --> 00:07:02,009
a vengeful little bitch.
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00:07:02,107 --> 00:07:04,366
I will win.
187
00:07:04,596 --> 00:07:06,263
Good morning.
Flute: Hi.
188
00:07:06,434 --> 00:07:08,101
Charlotte: So, what are we doing
first?
189
00:07:08,273 --> 00:07:10,030
Kang: I brought in a witness
we should talk to.
190
00:07:10,052 --> 00:07:12,701
Uh, Flute,
take the lead on this one.
191
00:07:12,875 --> 00:07:14,951
Flute: Harmony,
what are you doing here?
192
00:07:15,047 --> 00:07:16,806
Harmony: Kang said you wanted
to interview me about
193
00:07:17,052 --> 00:07:19,628
the explosion.
Kang: Oh, that's right.
194
00:07:19,650 --> 00:07:22,743
I forgot you two were married
but then ultimately divorced,
195
00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:26,143
because what was it again?
Harmony: Ha ha.
196
00:07:26,317 --> 00:07:27,574
How long do you have?
197
00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:29,762
There was the lies,
the drinking, the dandruff.
198
00:07:29,934 --> 00:07:31,583
He stole my car and my youth.
199
00:07:31,754 --> 00:07:33,012
He blew through our savings
because
200
00:07:33,167 --> 00:07:34,757
[Imitates Flute]
"Tom Brady is smart.
201
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,171
We can't lose with crypto."
202
00:07:36,266 --> 00:07:38,191
Oh, every year
on Stan's birthday, he insists
203
00:07:38,363 --> 00:07:39,937
on having a paternity test.
204
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,700
[Imitates "SpongeBob" announcer]
Flute: Ten minutes later.
205
00:07:41,855 --> 00:07:43,705
Harmony:
And he's constantly doing
206
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:45,193
his terrible "SpongeBob"
transition voice.
207
00:07:45,305 --> 00:07:47,288
Flute, as "SpongeBob" announcer:
Is not so bad.
208
00:07:47,385 --> 00:07:50,628
Stan: Hi, Dad. The test said
I can still call you that.
209
00:07:50,652 --> 00:07:52,152
Charlotte: You have a son?
210
00:07:52,381 --> 00:07:53,822
Flute: I was trying to tell you
that last night
211
00:07:54,052 --> 00:07:55,493
when you were calling me
"Daddy."
212
00:07:55,647 --> 00:07:56,738
Stan: I thought you should know
that
213
00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:58,225
some appropriately tattooed men
214
00:07:58,354 --> 00:07:59,895
are repossessing your car
right now.
215
00:08:00,008 --> 00:08:02,066
Flute: But I'm only 11 payments
behind!
216
00:08:02,163 --> 00:08:03,996
Mr. Flesh: Nice work, Stantrum.
217
00:08:04,018 --> 00:08:07,110
Now, come on. Let's go lunge at
an officer's belt.
218
00:08:07,175 --> 00:08:09,359
Stan: You sure that's
a good idea, Mr. Flesh?
219
00:08:09,514 --> 00:08:11,940
OK, if you say so!
220
00:08:12,038 --> 00:08:13,871
Kang: And they didn't
even drop him as a baby.
221
00:08:14,101 --> 00:08:19,046
Came straight from Flute's sperm
like that. Crazy, right?
222
00:08:20,225 --> 00:08:21,540
[Cheering]
223
00:08:21,711 --> 00:08:22,969
[Ding]
224
00:08:23,065 --> 00:08:24,564
[Ding]
225
00:08:24,736 --> 00:08:26,461
[Buzz]
226
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,056
Disqualified contestant: Wait.
It was outercourse, I swear.
227
00:08:29,229 --> 00:08:31,896
Wynona: The bomber says
he'll strike next at the finals,
228
00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:34,903
so we need to make sure
you make it that far.
229
00:08:35,153 --> 00:08:36,744
But the competition is fierce--
230
00:08:36,765 --> 00:08:40,341
dog uncles, Reddit moderators,
Disney adults,
231
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,999
even a homeschooled
brother and sister pair.
232
00:08:43,172 --> 00:08:46,507
But he's the one to beat--
super virgin Forest Kinsley.
233
00:08:46,605 --> 00:08:50,182
Word is, he's so pure,
he won't even hug his mom.
234
00:08:50,281 --> 00:08:52,007
[Ding]
235
00:08:52,137 --> 00:08:54,137
Summers: I'm pretty good at
virginity, too.
236
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,166
Wynona: This competition is
designed to make
237
00:08:56,221 --> 00:08:57,646
pretty good virgins slip up
238
00:08:57,875 --> 00:08:59,542
until only
the strongest one remains.
239
00:08:59,638 --> 00:09:01,989
Summers: If I've waited this
long, what's a few more days?
240
00:09:02,143 --> 00:09:04,069
Wynona: Why have you waited
so long?
241
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,816
Ladies must throw themselves
at you all the time
242
00:09:06,839 --> 00:09:10,732
with your sweet eyes,
that bright LED smile,
243
00:09:10,757 --> 00:09:13,516
those big, wide,
half-manly shoulders.
244
00:09:13,689 --> 00:09:17,841
[Soft music on soundtrack]
245
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:19,591
That's exactly the kind of
slip-up I'm talking about.
246
00:09:19,612 --> 00:09:21,371
I go for bad boys.
247
00:09:21,601 --> 00:09:23,358
You should have known I wouldn't
make a move like that on you.
248
00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:26,363
Summers: Right. I'm the complete
opposite of a bad boy.
249
00:09:26,388 --> 00:09:29,447
Well, not a good girl,
but a good boy.
250
00:09:29,544 --> 00:09:31,136
So a half opposite.
251
00:09:31,291 --> 00:09:33,808
Wynona: Hey, I didn't say I'd
never make a move like that.
252
00:09:33,964 --> 00:09:35,964
[Soft music on soundtrack]
253
00:09:36,136 --> 00:09:38,245
Come on!
It shouldn't be this easy.
254
00:09:38,475 --> 00:09:41,325
Summers: Who is this easy for?
'Cause it's not me.
255
00:09:41,499 --> 00:09:42,982
?
256
00:09:43,077 --> 00:09:44,928
Kang: You're quite good
with explosives.
257
00:09:45,082 --> 00:09:46,916
Charlotte: Thanks. My lack of
a father figure gave me
258
00:09:47,013 --> 00:09:48,829
a bit of a death wish,
which helps.
259
00:09:48,926 --> 00:09:51,518
Why?
You want to be my granddaddy?
260
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:55,860
Kang: You--well, I--no--uhh...
Charlotte: I'm joking!
261
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,519
I weirdly feel very comfortable
around you
262
00:09:58,541 --> 00:09:59,874
despite the pedo glasses.
263
00:09:59,970 --> 00:10:01,303
Kang: That's actually
why I got them,
264
00:10:01,532 --> 00:10:04,883
so nobody asks me to babysit.
[Laughter]
265
00:10:05,057 --> 00:10:06,631
Flute: Heh heh.
I handled that well.
266
00:10:06,803 --> 00:10:08,712
Definitely didn't get
Jeremy Renner-ed trying
267
00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:10,325
to stop them from towing it.
268
00:10:10,403 --> 00:10:14,623
Charlotte: Hey, um, I think
we need to talk...alone.
269
00:10:16,511 --> 00:10:18,177
[Kang chuckles softly]
270
00:10:19,576 --> 00:10:22,519
Flute: Look, it's fine.
I'm not what you were looking--
271
00:10:24,589 --> 00:10:27,198
Wait. You still like me,
even after they told you
272
00:10:27,429 --> 00:10:29,037
my life's a mess?
Charlotte: My whole job is
273
00:10:29,208 --> 00:10:31,708
running into disasters
and coming out unscathed.
274
00:10:31,939 --> 00:10:33,773
I think I can handle you.
Come on. There's not much time.
275
00:10:33,869 --> 00:10:35,627
Flute: But someone
might hear us.
276
00:10:35,799 --> 00:10:37,373
Charlotte: I'll just put
your head in the microwave.
277
00:10:37,469 --> 00:10:40,729
Otis: Excuse me. Mind if I
sit on a phone book and watch?
278
00:10:40,886 --> 00:10:45,297
The case of the haunted
backpack can wait.
279
00:10:45,473 --> 00:10:48,231
[Flute and Charlotte chuckling,
door opens]
280
00:10:48,404 --> 00:10:50,422
Flute: Mm!
281
00:10:50,653 --> 00:10:52,002
She's coming over tonight.
282
00:10:52,173 --> 00:10:54,098
Seems your plan to get
in her head didn't work.
283
00:10:54,328 --> 00:10:56,845
Kang: Then maybe
I'll get into yours.
284
00:10:56,943 --> 00:10:58,943
Flute: Good luck. But if you do
get in my head,
285
00:10:59,173 --> 00:11:01,282
let me know if you find
my missing AirPod.
286
00:11:01,454 --> 00:11:04,029
Backpack: Homework!
287
00:11:04,202 --> 00:11:05,534
Flute: If you're looking for
Otis,
288
00:11:05,690 --> 00:11:07,114
he's gonna need a minute.
289
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:08,968
Wynona: Competition starts now.
290
00:11:09,140 --> 00:11:11,289
We can't wait for those
virginities to lose themselves,
291
00:11:11,461 --> 00:11:14,054
so we may need to help them
get lost.
292
00:11:14,210 --> 00:11:16,210
Summers: Isn't that cheating?
[Wynona scoffs]
293
00:11:16,306 --> 00:11:17,882
Wynona: Can you ever do
something wrong?
294
00:11:17,902 --> 00:11:19,385
Summers: I cheated on my taxes
once.
295
00:11:19,481 --> 00:11:21,073
Tried to pay more than I owed.
296
00:11:21,318 --> 00:11:23,485
Teachers and roads need
all the help they can get.
297
00:11:23,509 --> 00:11:24,841
[Wynona groans]
298
00:11:25,012 --> 00:11:26,737
Summers: Don't worry.
I'll do something wrong.
299
00:11:26,757 --> 00:11:28,407
Wynona: I'm sure you will.
300
00:11:28,429 --> 00:11:30,913
Harmony: First up,
the swimsuit competition.
301
00:11:31,027 --> 00:11:33,586
[Cheering, rock music playing]
302
00:11:33,683 --> 00:11:37,277
Singer: ? Virgin Games ?
303
00:11:37,376 --> 00:11:39,209
Contestant: It's a small world
after all.
304
00:11:39,363 --> 00:11:41,456
It's a small world after all...
305
00:11:41,611 --> 00:11:45,129
Summers: Hakuna matata. Look at
the Pumbaa on that guy.
306
00:11:45,228 --> 00:11:48,045
Man, silly voice:
Sorry about that. Hyuk!
307
00:11:48,127 --> 00:11:49,569
[Contestant yells]
308
00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:53,390
Singer: ? Who will win,
and who will lose? ?
309
00:11:53,490 --> 00:11:55,656
?
310
00:11:55,755 --> 00:11:57,546
[Music stops]
311
00:12:00,173 --> 00:12:04,601
[Rock music playing]
312
00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:06,610
Singer: ? Virgin Games ?
313
00:12:06,764 --> 00:12:09,598
[Cheering and applause]
314
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:13,123
?
315
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:15,705
Summers: Sure are a lot of sexy,
mouthwatering,
316
00:12:15,804 --> 00:12:18,304
pants-tightening foods here.
317
00:12:18,477 --> 00:12:23,146
Singer: ? Who will win,
and who will lose... ?
318
00:12:23,380 --> 00:12:24,563
?
319
00:12:24,659 --> 00:12:28,569
? At the Virgin Games? ?
320
00:12:28,818 --> 00:12:30,985
[Doorbell rings]
321
00:12:31,007 --> 00:12:32,565
Flute: Why are you wearing that?
322
00:12:32,737 --> 00:12:34,587
Charlotte: Oh, Kang said
I looked cold,
323
00:12:34,742 --> 00:12:36,575
so he gave me one of his extras.
Flute: Ugh.
324
00:12:36,747 --> 00:12:39,598
Let's get you out of that, like,
now. Eee!
325
00:12:39,770 --> 00:12:42,196
Charlotte: Here. Let me try.
326
00:12:42,427 --> 00:12:44,611
What? Oh. These?
I found them in the pocket.
327
00:12:44,708 --> 00:12:48,601
It's so weird. Kang and I have
the same prescription.
328
00:12:48,626 --> 00:12:52,628
Oh. It's stuck.
Hopefully, yours isn't.
329
00:12:52,786 --> 00:12:55,211
Uh! Ah. Ooh.
330
00:12:55,309 --> 00:12:56,901
[Deep voice]
I like this belt.
331
00:12:57,130 --> 00:12:58,738
Flute: Uh, come again?
332
00:12:58,892 --> 00:12:59,891
[Voice of Kang]
Charlotte: Don't mind if I do.
333
00:13:00,062 --> 00:13:01,470
Flute: Aah!
334
00:13:01,565 --> 00:13:03,399
Charlotte:
You want to try some role play?
335
00:13:03,496 --> 00:13:05,588
You be the boss and I'll be
the corporate ladder
336
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,575
you're trying to climb.
337
00:13:07,747 --> 00:13:09,489
Flute: Get away from me!
Charlotte: What's got into you?
338
00:13:09,661 --> 00:13:11,770
Flute: You did,
you little vengeful bitch.
339
00:13:11,942 --> 00:13:13,608
Charlotte: Yeah. There it is.
340
00:13:13,780 --> 00:13:15,187
?
341
00:13:15,283 --> 00:13:17,450
[Flute laughing hysterically]
342
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,455
[Engine starts, tires screech]
343
00:13:19,627 --> 00:13:21,776
Charlotte: Is stealing my car
part of the role play?
344
00:13:21,799 --> 00:13:24,024
Because it is weirdly working.
345
00:13:24,121 --> 00:13:25,863
Harmony: 30 of the remaining
virgins are out tonight
346
00:13:25,883 --> 00:13:28,701
after mysteriously
getting locked in a wine cellar.
347
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:30,316
with The Weeknd on repeat,
348
00:13:30,545 --> 00:13:33,154
including crowd favorites
Miley and Riley.
349
00:13:33,327 --> 00:13:36,236
How do you feel now
that your journey has ended?
350
00:13:36,393 --> 00:13:39,837
Riley: I wish my sister and I
had entered last year. Heh heh!
351
00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:41,510
[Wynona and Summers chuckle]
352
00:13:41,663 --> 00:13:43,255
Wynona: I can't believe you
locked them in there.
353
00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:45,077
I've never seen
this side of you.
354
00:13:45,097 --> 00:13:48,582
Summers: Then it might be time
to get your eyes checked, bitch.
355
00:13:48,681 --> 00:13:51,424
Wynona: Ha ha!
356
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:54,206
Summers: Nice try.
I'm not falling for that again.
357
00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:56,120
I know what you're doing.
358
00:13:56,217 --> 00:13:59,368
Wynona: Yep. You nailed me.
It. Nailed it. Are you hot?
359
00:13:59,617 --> 00:14:01,951
I mean, are you getting hotter?
360
00:14:02,047 --> 00:14:05,900
Uh, um, I--I got--I gotta go.
361
00:14:09,083 --> 00:14:12,809
Psst! Wynona, it's me.
362
00:14:12,833 --> 00:14:15,166
Wynona: Martinez? Are you coming
from a children's play?
363
00:14:15,339 --> 00:14:16,839
Martinez: I'm checking in.
How's it going?
364
00:14:17,009 --> 00:14:18,492
Wynona: Not good.
365
00:14:18,513 --> 00:14:19,996
I think I'm falling
for the monster I created.
366
00:14:20,016 --> 00:14:21,474
Martinez: Oh, stop it.
367
00:14:21,613 --> 00:14:23,521
You only want him because you
can't have him.
368
00:14:23,693 --> 00:14:25,434
Same thing happens to me when I
see something on the top shelf.
369
00:14:25,606 --> 00:14:27,289
Wynona: You're right.
370
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:28,775
I just need to squash
these feelings and help him win.
371
00:14:28,872 --> 00:14:30,371
[Door opens]
372
00:14:30,526 --> 00:14:32,042
[1970s-style R & B music
plays on soundtrack]
373
00:14:32,213 --> 00:14:35,431
Martinez: Dang, he did get hot.
Good luck.
374
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,488
[Tires screech]
375
00:14:42,389 --> 00:14:44,664
Flute: Kang, You bastard.
Kang: Huh.
376
00:14:44,895 --> 00:14:46,503
I guess you never fixed that
zipper.
377
00:14:46,657 --> 00:14:48,415
Flute: You didn't even care
about her until I did.
378
00:14:48,570 --> 00:14:50,012
Kang: I still don't care
about her,
379
00:14:50,184 --> 00:14:51,666
and neither do you, young man.
380
00:14:51,687 --> 00:14:54,246
Flute: You don't know me,
oldest man.
381
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:56,752
Kang: "Oldest man"?
Your mouth is sending a Venmo
382
00:14:56,848 --> 00:14:59,425
your butt doesn't have
two-factor authentication
383
00:14:59,597 --> 00:15:01,522
to cash. How's that
for a modern reference?
384
00:15:01,602 --> 00:15:04,212
Martinez: That's it. I'm sending
you two dumb-skulls to HR
385
00:15:04,443 --> 00:15:05,700
to figure this out.
386
00:15:05,796 --> 00:15:07,779
HR manager:
Let's keep this civil.
387
00:15:07,951 --> 00:15:11,119
No accusations, no swearing,
no hits below the belt.
388
00:15:11,142 --> 00:15:12,976
[Bell rings]
389
00:15:13,073 --> 00:15:14,572
All right. Touch gloves
390
00:15:14,802 --> 00:15:16,652
and express what you hope
to get out of this.
391
00:15:16,823 --> 00:15:18,581
Kang: If you win,
you can date Charlotte,
392
00:15:18,736 --> 00:15:20,160
but if you lose,
you have to break it off
393
00:15:20,316 --> 00:15:21,924
and never see her again.
394
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:23,669
Flute: I don't like beating up
old men, but if that's
395
00:15:23,766 --> 00:15:25,507
what it takes to get what I
want,
396
00:15:25,678 --> 00:15:28,938
or walk a little faster on
the sidewalk, then so be it.
397
00:15:29,170 --> 00:15:30,778
Kang: Uh!
398
00:15:30,932 --> 00:15:32,265
Flute: That was just
a windbreaker?
399
00:15:32,436 --> 00:15:33,677
[Bell rings]
400
00:15:33,698 --> 00:15:35,681
We're not hitting in
the face, right?
401
00:15:35,686 --> 00:15:37,444
Uh! Call it, call it, call it.
Aah.
402
00:15:37,616 --> 00:15:39,191
Martinez: Hey,
Wendy, you might want to tell
403
00:15:39,362 --> 00:15:40,711
the breastfeeding
during meetings case
404
00:15:40,866 --> 00:15:42,883
to get their gloves on.
This is gonna be quick.
405
00:15:43,038 --> 00:15:43,979
[Indistinct shouting,
punch is thrown]
406
00:15:48,827 --> 00:15:50,327
Charlotte: And what Hollywood
never tells you is
407
00:15:50,557 --> 00:15:51,998
that sometimes
it's the yellow wire.
408
00:15:52,227 --> 00:15:55,152
[Laughter]
409
00:15:55,251 --> 00:15:56,509
Flute: Can I have a word
with you
410
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,588
when you've put down
the sharp objects?
411
00:15:58,685 --> 00:16:01,260
Charlotte: Why? Are you
breaking up with me? Ha ha!
412
00:16:01,433 --> 00:16:04,918
Wait. Really?
Oh, I get it now.
413
00:16:05,016 --> 00:16:07,609
You're having kinkier sex
with someone else.
414
00:16:07,857 --> 00:16:09,782
Flute: Uh...
415
00:16:09,879 --> 00:16:11,286
yup.
416
00:16:11,457 --> 00:16:12,882
Charlotte: How could I be
so stupid
417
00:16:13,036 --> 00:16:14,720
to think we had something,
that I'd found someone
418
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,465
who could drink and--and party
419
00:16:16,637 --> 00:16:18,787
and--and honk my boobs
as much as I do?
420
00:16:18,842 --> 00:16:20,401
Flute: Women honk
their own boobs?
421
00:16:20,555 --> 00:16:21,721
Charlotte:
It's a great stress reliever,
422
00:16:21,891 --> 00:16:23,390
and I'm very stressed right now.
423
00:16:23,487 --> 00:16:25,061
[Honk honk]
424
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:27,324
Martinez: They found a bomb
at the games. Let's roll.
425
00:16:27,497 --> 00:16:29,664
Charlotte: Ugh. Whatever.
426
00:16:29,911 --> 00:16:32,003
Kang: Flute, we still have
a job to do.
427
00:16:32,176 --> 00:16:34,417
Flute: Enjoy your win.
I'm sitting this out.
428
00:16:34,589 --> 00:16:39,091
She's all not yours now.
[Kang sighs]
429
00:16:39,118 --> 00:16:40,509
[Cheering]
430
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,029
Harmony:
We've made it to the finals.
431
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:45,201
Time to find out
who's the best at oral...
432
00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:46,990
questions.
433
00:16:47,045 --> 00:16:49,119
Summers: So anything
you want to say to me?
434
00:16:49,292 --> 00:16:50,792
Maybe begins with an "S"
435
00:16:50,888 --> 00:16:52,371
and ends with an "...orry.
I didn't believe
436
00:16:52,542 --> 00:16:53,816
how bad a boy you could be,
Summers."
437
00:16:54,045 --> 00:16:55,970
Wynona: Would you stop
acting like that?
438
00:16:55,992 --> 00:16:57,808
Summers: I thought
this was what you wanted.
439
00:16:57,980 --> 00:16:59,722
Wynona: What a woman wants is
not what we need,
440
00:16:59,893 --> 00:17:01,076
Which is exactly
the way we want it,
441
00:17:01,172 --> 00:17:03,839
and I need you to understand
that, OK? Ugh!
442
00:17:04,070 --> 00:17:05,903
Summers: Uh...
[Applause]
443
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:09,076
Harmony: Summers, before I
ask you your question,
444
00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:14,176
let's bring Trixie to the stage.
[Cheering]
445
00:17:14,353 --> 00:17:16,095
?
446
00:17:16,191 --> 00:17:20,736
Your question is, What's
the hardest part about waiting?
447
00:17:20,945 --> 00:17:24,297
?
448
00:17:24,396 --> 00:17:27,880
Summers: There's so many
hard parts--the doubt, the pain,
449
00:17:27,979 --> 00:17:29,904
all the mistakes you make
along the way.
450
00:17:29,984 --> 00:17:33,135
But the hardest part--
the hardest part is
451
00:17:33,233 --> 00:17:36,568
finding that someone
who's worth waiting for.
452
00:17:36,667 --> 00:17:39,668
And once you do that,
nothing seems hard.
453
00:17:39,825 --> 00:17:42,917
Trixie and spectators: Aw.
454
00:17:43,016 --> 00:17:44,666
Forest: No!
455
00:17:44,686 --> 00:17:47,595
The hardest part is
this town glorifying virginity
456
00:17:47,694 --> 00:17:49,453
because some lady 400 years ago
couldn't get laid.
457
00:17:49,683 --> 00:17:50,957
Maybe it's time you all see
458
00:17:51,186 --> 00:17:53,611
what a virgin sacrifice
really looks like.
459
00:17:53,709 --> 00:17:55,659
[Microphone feedback,
crowd gasps]
460
00:17:55,865 --> 00:17:57,122
?
461
00:17:57,292 --> 00:18:03,814
[Timer beeping]
462
00:18:04,051 --> 00:18:06,735
Martinez: Oh, so this is why
you don't get close to family.
463
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:09,909
That way, it's easier
to watch them explode. Smart.
464
00:18:10,065 --> 00:18:11,656
?
465
00:18:11,753 --> 00:18:13,920
Kang: Just leave it.
Save yourself.
466
00:18:14,017 --> 00:18:16,167
Charlotte: No, I defuse it
or I die trying.
467
00:18:16,339 --> 00:18:18,506
Kang: I forbid you to stay here
any longer.
468
00:18:18,603 --> 00:18:19,844
Charlotte: Would you quit acting
like that?
469
00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:21,699
Kang: Like what?
Charlotte: Forbidding me,
470
00:18:21,929 --> 00:18:23,261
giving me jackets.
471
00:18:23,432 --> 00:18:25,115
God. It's like you're my grandpa
or something.
472
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,862
Kang: What if I kind of
was your grandpa?
473
00:18:27,885 --> 00:18:30,778
Charlotte: Wha--what the hell
are you talking about?
474
00:18:30,951 --> 00:18:33,818
Kang: I am your great-grandpa.
475
00:18:33,824 --> 00:18:35,548
Charlotte:
And why would I believe that?
476
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,295
Kang: Because you're just
like me.
477
00:18:37,390 --> 00:18:39,908
We both treat human connection
like it's a red wire--
478
00:18:40,139 --> 00:18:42,582
something to cut before it
blows up in our faces.
479
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,254
That's why I hide from my family
480
00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:47,335
and why you date men you know
won't stick around.
481
00:18:47,508 --> 00:18:49,082
But if we don't change that,
482
00:18:49,179 --> 00:18:50,996
then we may as well
blow to pieces
483
00:18:51,091 --> 00:18:54,518
because what's the point of
living?
484
00:18:54,692 --> 00:18:56,267
Charlotte: Grandpa.
485
00:18:56,363 --> 00:18:58,696
[Timer beeping]
486
00:18:58,795 --> 00:19:00,702
Kang: Oh, crap.
487
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,634
[Pop, horn blows]
488
00:19:03,789 --> 00:19:05,622
[Slow clapping]
489
00:19:05,719 --> 00:19:07,961
Kang: Flute?
What the hell was that?
490
00:19:08,058 --> 00:19:11,393
Flute: That was 35.95
at the gender reveal store,
491
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:13,066
but the lesson was priceless.
492
00:19:13,221 --> 00:19:14,737
Still going to Zelle you for it,
though.
493
00:19:14,908 --> 00:19:16,333
Kang: You called in
a bomb threat
494
00:19:16,563 --> 00:19:19,564
to finally bring us together?
Flute: No. I did it
495
00:19:19,587 --> 00:19:21,178
so you'd give me your blessing
to have sex with her again,
496
00:19:21,257 --> 00:19:25,000
but sure.
So can I have it, please?
497
00:19:25,025 --> 00:19:26,917
Charlotte: Actually, Flute,
I've realized
498
00:19:27,089 --> 00:19:29,013
my adrenaline-fueled
sex addiction
499
00:19:29,185 --> 00:19:31,852
was because I was scared of
real connections.
500
00:19:31,876 --> 00:19:34,117
But now that I've made one,
501
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:37,031
I'm realizing I need to work
on me for a little while.
502
00:19:37,114 --> 00:19:38,630
[Haltingly]
Flute: And that was
503
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,784
the second lesson
I was teaching.
504
00:19:40,956 --> 00:19:44,290
So, so glad it worked out.
505
00:19:44,314 --> 00:19:46,889
Kang: Hey, I'm sorry about
Charlotte
506
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,580
and for puncturing your lung
during the fight.
507
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:51,535
Flute: Maybe I'm destined
to be alone
508
00:19:51,666 --> 00:19:53,332
and only have one working lung.
509
00:19:53,504 --> 00:19:56,171
Kang: You know, it might
be good to get it some cardio.
510
00:19:56,269 --> 00:19:58,511
Maybe we could take that
tandem bike ride this weekend.
511
00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:00,424
[Flute inhales deeply]
Flute: Really?
512
00:20:00,595 --> 00:20:02,595
I mean, uh, yeah. That sounds--
513
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,143
[Wheezes]
great.
514
00:20:05,349 --> 00:20:06,773
?
515
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:09,203
Summers: Forest,
why are you doing this?
516
00:20:09,359 --> 00:20:11,359
Forest: Because this town
idolizes virginity,
517
00:20:11,531 --> 00:20:13,622
when everywhere else, people try
to get rid of it.
518
00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:15,886
I wasted my life training
to be a virgin,
519
00:20:16,043 --> 00:20:18,059
learning to juggle,
skipping the gym every day,
520
00:20:18,231 --> 00:20:19,990
memorizing all the words to
"Zootopia."
521
00:20:20,143 --> 00:20:21,660
I'm doing this to make a point,
522
00:20:21,890 --> 00:20:23,665
so that nobody ever
has to do it again.
523
00:20:23,837 --> 00:20:26,078
That's why there is
a bomb in my stomach.
524
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:29,568
Summers: And I bet it's a big
one since you're so backed up.
525
00:20:29,592 --> 00:20:32,076
Forest:
No. I mean I'm gonna blow.
526
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,840
Summers: And it's OK if you do.
You're wearing pants.
527
00:20:35,013 --> 00:20:39,258
Forest: No. There's a bomb
inside of me!
528
00:20:39,282 --> 00:20:41,190
Summers:
There's a bomb inside us all,
529
00:20:41,212 --> 00:20:43,362
but once it explodes,
you'll realize it's harmless.
530
00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:44,609
[Boom]
531
00:20:44,612 --> 00:20:45,828
[Spectators screaming]
532
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,391
Summers: Oh.
That's what he meant.
533
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:49,396
[Buzz]
534
00:20:49,566 --> 00:20:50,640
[Fanfare]
535
00:20:50,794 --> 00:20:53,570
[Cheering and applause]
536
00:21:02,674 --> 00:21:04,415
Harmony: And now the transfer of
the chastity belt and crown
537
00:21:04,511 --> 00:21:07,938
from last year's winner
to this year's winner.
538
00:21:08,171 --> 00:21:10,279
Former winner: Finally I'm free.
539
00:21:10,509 --> 00:21:13,619
My mandatory year of celibacy
is up.
540
00:21:13,851 --> 00:21:15,200
Summers: Mandatory year of
what, now?
541
00:21:15,296 --> 00:21:17,296
[Cheering]
542
00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:19,451
[Wynona laughing]
543
00:21:19,473 --> 00:21:22,032
Summers: I wonder if I should
stop liking her.
544
00:21:22,129 --> 00:21:23,704
Nah. I could wait a year.
545
00:21:23,799 --> 00:21:26,800
I once waited three years
for "Curb Your Enthusiasm."
546
00:21:26,900 --> 00:21:29,325
Ha ha! Larry David.
547
00:21:29,552 --> 00:21:31,452
[Tuba music on soundtrack]
548
00:21:35,558 --> 00:21:36,332
Person: Bento.
[Cheering]
549
00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:40,932
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