Original subtitles

♪♪♪

[ Laughs ]

♪♪♪

[ Explosion ]

♪♪♪

[ Horn honks ]

[ Static crackles ]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[ Train tracks rattling ]

♪♪♪

Welcome back to the "Shat Attack."

I'm your host, Billy Shatz.

Before we get to our mailbag,

I want to take a moment to thank our sponsor.

♪ Kwajalein Beer ♪

♪ Drink it, motherfucker ♪

Grab yourself a six-pack and let's talk about

indie horror sensation "Dead by Midnight."

It tells the tale of a television station

overtaken by the pits of Hell in search of fresh souls.

It doesn't take long before the bat's out of the bag

When the viewers themselves are sucked

into a series of horror stories.

Audiences and critics alike are calling it...

calling it... [Slowed] calling it...

...an abomination,

A slight against God for which you're responsible.

We'll be dead by...

Midnight marauders to humanoids

dwelling underground can all agree.

There gonna be a lot of s'mores

and whole lot of [Snores].

- Suck! - My scrotum. Ew.

- Vaginal wipes. - Suck it clean!

The Power Bottom can even pick up...

Reporter: A rotting mess is what it is, let's not forget.

The Mistress of Midnight... she was bangin' back in the day,

but what she's up to now,

she's gone in and thrown in the towel.

♪♪♪

[Maniacal laughter]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Atonement... what a drag.

What's the difference between kneeling and whispering,

"Forgive me, father, I have sinned"

And sliding to your knees and saying,

"Sorry, daddy, I've been naughty"?

The difference is how much fun you are having,

and I do it religiously.

Our first little slice of Hell comes from a churchgoing,

God-fearing little old lady.

But that might be a matter of perspective, too,

now, might'n it?

Prepare to be graced with amazing performances

by Edey Willis and Sethery Michaelson

in our first sacrilegious sequence, "Hellevangelist."

You can pause, but you can't hide.

♪♪♪

[ Applause on TV ]

Sethery: When you look at me, my brothers and sisters,

do not look at me as a man preaching the good word

No, no.

Look at me as an appendage to the Lord,

as a bloody holy arm reaching out to you for help

because even the Lord needs your help.

He needs you to reach out and grab his arm.

[ Cat meows ] This arm.

And by helping him...

you're helping yourselves...

[ Applause ]

...and all those around you.

But I am more than just an arm.

I am a vital organ.

I am the pancreas to the Lord!

Pumping vital love.

Yes. The pancreas of the Lord.

Bring forward the first to be healed.

♪♪♪

Oh, look, Samuel.

Darling, we're on the TV.

[ Samuel grumbles ]

Do you believe,

brother Samuel and sister Edey?

Both: We believe!

Then grandfather, husband, brother Samuel,

rejoice in the power of the bloody hand

and the holy necktie!

Be healed and you should be healed!

Amen, Reverend.

Yes, I understand now.

Yes.

Grandson: Okay, Grandpa, you are all set.

I'll check back later tonight, okay?

- Amen! I'm healed! - Amen!

Amen!

Reporter: Americano Sethery Michaelson...

He should be good for a while.

Uh, there's plenty of morphine in the cabinets

if there's any issues.

[ Reporter speaking Spanish ]

Alright, Grandma, I'm off to work.

Don't send that crook any more of your money.

Of course, dear.

You have a lovely day.

Anissa will be by in a bit.

And then I'll be back later tonight, okay?

Love you, Grandma.

Love you, too, dear.

[ Birds chirping on TV ]

[ Door closes ]

[ Eerie music plays ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Dart whooshes ]

♪ 'Cause the blood is dripping down ♪

♪ Put your hands up ♪

♪ 'Cause the blood is dripping down ♪

♪ The blood, the blood, the blood, the blood ♪

♪ The blood, the blood, the blood is dripping down ♪

♪ Let go if you're afraid ♪

[ Eerie music plays ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm gonna take your lips ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Take 'em up with me to Heaven ♪

♪ It would hardly be much of a Heaven ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm gonna take your arms ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Take 'em up with me to Heaven ♪

♪ Because it would hardly be much of a Heaven ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪♪♪

[ Squeak ] Right.

Sethery: ...you know what I'm saying?

[ Laughs ]

Okay, bye.

[ Thud ] Ow!

What the hell?

S-S-Stop.

Ow!

Ow.

♪ 'Cause the Lord is on the line ♪

♪ And he will answer ♪

[ Eerie music plays ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪ Oww! ♪

♪ Alright! ♪

♪ If you're tired and all alone ♪

Ah.

Now, you're not going to feel a thing there, dear.

[ Scissors scraping ]

♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪

♪ Over the hill and everywhere ♪

♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪

♪ Over and everywhere ♪

[ Humming ]

[ Blood spurts ]

♪ Oww! ♪

[ Sethery screaming ] Now, don't move.

You're going to muck it up.

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Groans softly ]

♪♪♪

[ Receptionist singing ]

♪♪♪

Ah!

Oh, this is just beautiful,

what you're doing for my Samuel.

Just beautiful.

♪♪♪

[ Lid snaps shut ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Clatter ]

♪♪♪

Shall we say a prayer together before I go?

Oh, my.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Beep ]

I understand now

how Reverend Sethery is going to help us.

He's going to help us all.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Gagging ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Overlapping laughter and screaming ]

[ Bell chimes ]

Reporter: Millions gathered today at televangelist

Sethery Michaelson's Hand and Necktie mega church.

The world-renowned televangelist

was recently admitted to St. Jude's Hospital.

The nation was shocked by reports

that Michaelson was attacked earlier today.

His status is as yet unknown.

What a nice young man.

You know, I think I'll give him some money.

No! No!

[ Edey chuckles ]

Usually, I hate a story with religious undertones.

But I thought seeing the separation of church and hate

made for quite a ride tonight.

Right, my bright little acolytes?

But that's enough for one Sabbath.

Make sure to stay tuned in for more slight frights

from "Dead by Midnight."

"My kingdom come, my will be done."

[ Screaming ]

Man: Cut!

[ Exhales ]

Hi. I'm Kane Hodder.

[ Soft piano music plays ]

I'm known as the deadliest man in Hollywood.

Another true story with Murderol.

Unfortunately, my desire for brutal violence

doesn't always stay on the set.

So when I tell you I've finally found the medication

to curb my murderous impulses,

you can believe me.

And if you don't, I'll kill you and your family.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Screams ]

Oh, Kane!

Another victim spared.

In fact, I don't even think about killing anymore.

Murderol has given me a new chance at happiness.

Just look at how happy I am.

That's right.

Stop killing people, start killing time

with Murderol.

Mistress: This is the hottest show in Hell right now

and we're running commercials for pills

to stop killing people?

What the hell?

Parents, no one is putting drugs in your kids' Halloween candy.

It just isn't happening.

Thousands of parents suffer from the delusions every year

that people are putting cannabis or LSD or Molly

into their kids' Halloween treats,

introducing your children to a host of dangerous substances

and the opportunity to trip their tiny little balls

right off.

[ Sighs ]

Helicopter-parent study number 420 commencing.

Alright, boys, here we go. Keep your eyes on Mom.

The trigger has been delivered.

Put on your protective goggles.

Tell my wife I love her.

Oh, the poor child doesn't even see it coming.

Abort! Abort! Nope, we're in it.

The redhead is going nuke-ular.

[ Alarm blaring ]

Oh, dear God, she's gone slo-mo.

I told you this would happen.

My grandfather built that table.

So, parents, this Halloween,

save your social-media outrage,

calm your tits,

and remember,

no one is trying to put drugs in your kids' Halloween treats

as a mean Halloween trick.

No one's trying to drug your kids.

'Cause drugs are expensive.

♪♪♪

And we don't wanna share with your shithead kids.

♪♪♪

[ Coughing ]

Fuck.

♪♪♪

[English accent] Oh, children these days.

They're so spoiled with their little devices,

aren't they?

No matter where you go, there are screens all around you.

There's no escaping it.

Really.

At times like this, I believe it's important to remember

the monsters we make ourselves.

So our next tale is about a creative cool cat

whose whole life is about to wind up

on the cutting-room floor.

We'll be seeing Julia Walters

and a fresh-faced feline in our next eerie edition...

"Jasper."

You can pause, but you cannot hide.

[ Roar ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪♪

[ Snarling ]

♪♪♪

Time to set the world on fire.

You're probably wondering how we got here.

Let's rewind a bit.

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Bell chiming ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪♪

[ Sniffles ]

♪♪♪

My name is Julia Walters.

Jack Walters was my father.

Most people would say that

Jasper the Cat was his greatest achievement.

But I know that what he was most proud of was his family.

He always used to tell me,

"Julia, one day, you're gonna set the world on fire."

[ Thunder rumbles ]

He was my best friend.

It's no secret that he drank

and that he blamed himself for what happened to my mother.

So his suicide, while tragic...

was not altogether unanticipated.

♪♪♪

I am proud to follow in my father's footsteps

and to keep Jasper alive for the next generation.

So thank you all for coming here today.

♪♪♪

Especially to my wife, Ally,

for supporting me on one of the worst days of my life.

[ Cellphone rings ]

I'm sorry. I...

♪♪♪

Shit.

I'm not here.

I'm here.

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

Ally: Let me in.

[ Knock on door ]

Sorry, ma'am, I can't let you in without a proper ID.

She's with me, Mike.

Oh. Sorry, Ms. Julia.

Can never be too sure.

Late hours and all.

Are you new here?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Name's Mike. Nice to meet you.

Your office... now.

I should've known that you'd be here.

Now, where else would you be?

Certainly not at home with your wife.

And not at the cemetery for your own father's funeral.

I had a deadline. Dad would understand.

You're just like him.

Down to the empty bottle.

Thank you for noticing our heartwarming similarities.

I'm just surprised that your damned cartoon

can even stand up straight.

That's the beauty of digitizing the series, dear.

Don't need steady hands to click a mouse.

Cute.

You know, I've forgiven you for a lot lately,

since your mom.

And I'm really sorry,

'cause I thought I knew what I was signing up for,

but this is not what I expected my life to be.

Okay, well, this season's almost done.

We'll go on a vacation soon, alright?

God, you're not listening to me.

You're not you.

We are not us.

You're depressed all the time.

You barely see daylight.

Even Jasper is getting darker.

He spent the entire last episode at a bar.

Well, you can't divorce the art from the artist.

Maybe not.

But you can divorce the artist.

My dad just died.

I hired a lawyer.

What do you want?

Do you want a kid?

Let's have a kid. Will that make you happy?

Yes.

It would if I didn't think I'd be raising it alone.

What do you think I'm doing here, Ally?

Why do you think I'm here night after night?

I'm busting my ass to provide for the family

that I know that you want, okay?

Kids are expensive, Ally.

It's not like we can just make one the old-fashioned way.

It doesn't... I don't want kids with you.

You're never home. You're always drunk.

You're turning into an asshole just like your dad.

It is no wonder that your mom killed herself, too.

♪♪♪

Ally!

[ Jasper chuckles ]

Whew! That's better.

Hiya, Julia. I'm here for you.

You're my best friend, and she was being mean to you.

Okay.

Okay, this isn't happening.

This isn't real.

Aw, little buddy.

Maybe this'll help.

[ Twirling ]

[ Glass shatters ]

Stop it!

No, stop!

[ Sizzle ] Okay, I believe you're real!

Good! Now I've got a job to do.

What?

I'm gonna kill your wife, silly.

Just like I killed your mommy and your daddy

and anyone else who tries to keep us apart.

You're my best friend. [ Chuckles ]

This'll be a lot of fun.

Just don't try and stop me!

No!

Say bye, Julia.

No! Ally!

Fuck.

♪♪♪

[ Heavy rock music plays ]

♪♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Mike! Mike!

Call the police.

Mike: Ms. Julia, w-what is it?

What's the emergency? What's going on?

Shh! What?

[ Crack ]

Aah!

What the fuck?!

I told you not to try and stop me.

Now look what you made me do.

- Where's my wife? - Who?

You know who, you giant prick.

Unh, unh, unh!

Language, missy.

This program is rated TV-PG.

Not anymore, asshole.

[ Chuckles ] [ Train whistle blows ]

You won't get to her in time.

The train has left the station, and it's never late.

[ Stomping ]

[ Meows ]

[ Julia grunts ]

[ Panting ]

[ Train bell dinging, horn honking ]

This is so cliché.

[ Horn blaring ]

[ Screams ]

Help!

[ Whoosh ]

- Ally! - Took you long enough.

Got here as fast as I could.

You could come a little bit faster.

You're right, dear, of course.

[ Horn blaring ]

Are you almost done? Almost!

Okay. [ Sobs ]

Okay, let's go! Okay.

Julia: Okay, all caught up?

Let's take it back to the top.

What are you doing?

Jasper murdered my parents, Ally.

Nobody committed suicide. He killed them.

And he's probably gonna kill you

and then me, too, if we don't take him out first.

Do you still want to get divorced?

Will you quit your job?

Probably getting fired after I blow up the station.

I love you. Let's have kids.

Ready?

Hell yeah.

[ Cat meows ]

[ Upbeat cartoon music plays ]

[ Purring ]

Aww!

Hey, little guy.

Pwease don't kill me.

You're my best fwiend.

Thing is, you murdered my family.

[ Music stops ]

Hmm.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪♪

[ Groaning ]

♪♪♪

[ Roars ]

♪♪♪

[ Growls ]

[ Grunts ] Meowww!

[ Lighter clicks ]

♪♪♪

[ Roars ] [ Grunts ]

♪♪♪

Go, go, go!

♪♪♪

Uh-oh!

[ Explosion ]

That was insane. Yeah.

Your dad would be proud.

Yeah. Do you really wanna have kids?

I think we can handle it.

I think we can handle anything.

Me, too.

Should we adopt?

Or try it the old-fashioned way?

Can't hurt to practice.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Distant whistling ]

Oh, fuck.

[ Thud! ] [ Jasper chuckles ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Hello, I'm Jerri Dandridge,

and I'm running to be your mayor.

When I came to this country in 1687,

I had a vision of what America could be...

a land of opportunity, freedom,

and feasting in the eternal darkness.

I support the second amendment because guns don't kill people.

Hells yeah!

I do. Wait, what?

See you at the straight pride rally!

Unlike my fellow Republicans,

I support the full legalization of marijuana.

Sweet.

Makes 'em easier to catch.

And I'm staunchly pro-life.

As Whitney Houston and the textile industry once said,

"The children are our future."

[ Sniffs ]

Mmm!

Almost fresh out the oven.

♪♪♪

My name is Jerri Dandridge, and I approve this message.

[ Birds chirping ]

Announcer: Sometimes...

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Say goodbye to prison time

and say hello to reasonable doubt

with CleanSlate.

Now with lime!

Nothing to see here.

[ Dress rustling ]

Down in the dumps?

Feel like your life is a waste?

Rubbish.

Dispose of those silly notions

and join me for another edition of "Dead by Midnight."

Our next piece begs the question,

"What are we most afraid of?"

Is it the horrors we run from in the dark

or the fiends we make along the way?

We'll be seeing a solo performance of tonight's

terrifying toss-out... "Clean UR Room."

You can pause, but you can't hide.

[ Can cracks open ]

[ Rock music plays ]

♪♪♪

Trevor: Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah. Show me.

♪♪♪

[ Moaning ]

♪♪♪

[ Groans ]

See you soon.

[ Knock on door ]

Damn it.

[ Clatter ]

What? Why was your door locked?

Mom, I'm not a kid anymore, okay?

I need privacy. My own space.

Okay, well, when you start paying rent

for your own space, you can lock the door.

Until then, it remains unlocked.

What did you want?

I'm going out for the evening.

There's plenty of stuff in the freezer.

You can microwave it. Please read the directions.

Do not blow up the house. Okay.

And clean your room!

♪♪♪

[ Microwave whirring ]

♪♪♪

Aah! Aah!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Alright, I'm back.

Ready to get wrecked?

[ Laughs ] Yeah, okay.

I owned you last time, bitch. Let's go.

♪♪♪

[ Coughing ]

♪♪♪

I'm fine.

Little bitch.

No, I wasn't... That doesn't count.

I mean, yeah, it counts, but okay, fuck you.

[ Belches, clears throat ]

Yeah, how you like that, huh?

A little T-bag. How you like that, huh?

How you like that shit?

♪♪♪

[ Video game trill ]

[ Wheezes ]

[ Laughs ] Alright, I'm done.

I can't handle the ass-beating you're getting right now.

I'll see ya tomorrow.

[ Gurgling ]

[ Distant thud ]

Mom?

Mom?

♪♪♪

Mom?

♪♪♪

[ Farting ]

♪♪♪

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, God. Oh! [ Stomach gurgling ]

Oh! Ah!

Oh! Whoa!

Ah!

[ Farting ]

♪♪♪

Ah!

Oh!

♪♪♪

No.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Gurgling ]

Nuh!

[ Sniffs ]

Ah!

Nice work, genius.

[ Choral note plays ]

♪♪♪

Let's do this.

♪♪♪

Mom?

♪♪♪

Hey, if anyone's in here, you better get out!

You'd hate to be at the other end of this sword.

Yah!

That's a wall. [ Taps ]

Awesome.

Hey, you see those reflexes, huh?

If that was you, you'd have been a goner.

Huh?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Okay, okay.

[ Exhales ] Cut the shit, Trevor.

It's all in your head. You're an adult man.

Be an adult.

I'm a man.

I'm a man.

[ Door hinges creak ]

♪♪♪

[ Electric chair beeps ]

[ Whirring ]

♪♪♪

[ Humming nervously ]

♪♪♪

[ Gasps ]

♪♪♪

Mr. Hot Dog?

♪♪♪

I can't believe Mom put you down here.

♪♪♪

Oh, shit.

♪♪♪

What the hell?

♪♪♪

[ Screaming ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Grunts ]

♪♪♪

[ Whimpers ]

[ Creaking ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Door hinges creak ]

♪♪♪

[ Bed creaks ]

[ Monster gurgling ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Monster gurgling ]

♪♪♪

[ Gurgling stops ]

What is going on in here?

You can't... You can't just pile your stuff in the corner.

I really don't think you understand the concept

of clean your room.

Trevor: Mom?

♪♪♪

What are you looking at?

[ Gurgling ]

♪♪♪

[ Screams ] No, no, no!

[ Screaming ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Coughs ]

[ High-pitched scream ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Monster gurgling ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Panting ]

♪♪♪

[ Exhales ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Monster gurgling ]

♪♪♪

Temptress: Mm, I just feel awful about the way that ended.

For the monster, I mean.

Oh, don't look at me like that. I get off on being trashy.

Litter-ally. [ Laughs ]

[ Snorts ]

[ Canned laughter ]

But let's suppose we dispose of the deposed for now.

Until some fresh souls get tossed out,

you'll know where to find me.

I'll be right here waiting...

[Echoing] for you.

Every year on Valentine's Day, people spend hundreds of dollars

trying to tell their loved ones...

fuck... how they truly feel.

But what about the people you hate?

Don't you want to tell your co-workers

how you really feel about them?

Well, that's why I started Bag of Dicks Delivery.

I will send a bag of dicks to your enemy's doorstep.

And we got a variety of dick options available.

♪ Bag of Dicks, Bag of Dicks ♪

♪ Look at you sending that Bag of Dicks ♪

♪ Bag of Dicks for delivery ♪

♪ One for every enemy ♪

♪ It's a bag, it's a bag, it's a bag, it's a bag ♪

♪ It's a bag, it's a bag, it's a bag, it's a bag ♪

♪ It's a bag, it's a bag, it's a bag, it's a bag ♪

♪ It's dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, ♪

♪ Dicks, dicks, dicks ♪

[ Gags ]

♪♪♪

Killing the planet for profits, campaign meddling, fake news,

and the rise of race-baiting nationalism

have all been debunked as libtard cluckery.

[ Rooster crows ]

But with the advent of a new program...

Streaming service.

Right, programmable streaming

literally pulling people's souls out of their bodies,

critics have been quick to point out

this is the work of Satan himself.

Do you care to comment?

He goes by "Luci" now, and while he may be the owner,

you can think of me as the CEO.

Soul-harvesting this quarter has definitely seen an increase,

but I wanted to get back to the eternal suffering

and blind devotion that this all started with.

Are you left-handed or right, Chirk?

Right.

Right. Pick up the hammer with your left hand.

See, I don't think of suffering as a byproduct.

I want it to be our new main export.

Now smash your right hand.

You got it.

[ Screams ]

It's not enough to throw a wide net.

I want to be in every home across the world

with the specific intent of pain.

This program is just the beginning.

Once we find the right technology,

no one will be safe.

Darkness will reign, the world will suffer,

and up next is another episode of "Dead by Midnight."

Hi, I'm Cassie, the world's first AI virtual home assistant,

and I'm here to help.

I can understand every human language,

and I'm always listening.

Need me to set the thermostat?

Start dinner?

Train Fido?

Play dead. Good boy.

Or even assist with home security.

[ Alarm blaring ]

Get the fuck out! I'm calling the cops!

[ Gunshots ]

♪♪♪

I can't wait to "take care of" your family.

So go ahead and let me know, how can I hel...

hurt you.

♪♪♪

Picture, if you will, a world

in which imagination and reality are one.

A reality virtually impossible to differentiate from fantasy.

A dream world identical to your worst nightmare.

That is the sad truth for our next pitiful victims, as well.

So follow me as I weave Dante Green and Vanessa Ellis

through a World Wide Web of danger

in this next installment of "Dead by Midnight"...

"Heroes of Time."

You can pause.

But you cannot hide.

[ Grunting ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Dramatic voice] Whoa! Watch out, Master Zeke!

Yaah!

[ Growls ]

What am I supposed to do? my spells are not working!

C'mon, Zeke, you're all about dynamic storylines,

but you ruin every genuine moment.

That's just who I am.

A moment ruiner.

♪♪♪

[ Laughs ]

Good work here today!

Zernithia will be safer place

knowing that that fiend is vanquished.

You two should celebrate this victory.

Together.

Mm, yes.

♪♪♪

Sorry, guys, needed a breather.

Hey, Jacklynn. You're off work late.

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it, but, um,

I'm gonna log on, unless I'm ruining

everyone else's good time.

[Softly] ♪ Zeke and Amelia ♪

♪ Sitting in a tree ♪

Shut up.

[ Mystical music plays ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Jacklynn?

Dailies, huh?

Zeke, no.

Whatever's on your mind...

I'll be back in an hour.

It's not my fault you got off work late

and missed the greatest battle ever.

Hey, rules.

Remember, no real-world stuff.

Fine, fine. But you owe me.

You can kiss your Mohino Orphanage daily goodbye.

And your generous gift of sweet gold. Instead...

"Knights of Honor" should come first.

You and Zeke did create it to better the kingdom of Zernithia.

Oh, and the scrolls. Don't forget the scrolls, too.

Yes, master Zeke.

Let us party up and go into Maywicker Forest for Amelia.

Oh, yes, I've been waiting for the gear

that drops in that dungeon for like weeks.

Are you kidding me? I said no.

You done trying to convince me?

Bye.

[ Screams ]

Seriously, dude, what is your problem?

[ Screaming ]

What's going on? Are you alright?

[ Both screaming in pain ]

♪♪♪

What just happened to us?

Ah!

What the hell? I-I gotta get outta here.

Everyone calm down.

I can't log off.

I-I can't log off either.

It's probably just a bug or something.

We'll give it a little time.

I'm sure the DMs will fix it in no time.

Well said, Zeke.

Have faith in God of Jonos, for she shall protect us.

Are you still RP-ing after that?

I wasted enough time here.

Jacklynn, we've got to stick together.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Hunter? Hmm?

Did you queue us for Maywicker Forest?

I don't remember queuing us.

I don't think this is Maywicker forest.

Seems a lot less foresty than I recall.

I'm confused. If this isn't that dungeon, then...

Did you teleport us, Jacklynn?

No. I was teleporting myself to Rin.

This can't be. Hunter, how did you?

How did I what?

You sly dog, you. I don't know how you did it.

But we're in Sir Rawkin's Keep.

Ah!

Wait a minute.

Did you get early access to that new patch?

Is that why Rin was so mad at you?

Wait, w-what is Zeke talking about?

I have no idea, but this has nothing to do with that.

Sir Rawkin's Keep. So hyped!

Last one to Sir Rawkin forks over a million gold.

Oh, you're on!

Stay together, huh?

Okay, so Sir Rawkin is a part of the update,

and no one is allowed in that dungeon for weeks.

And Rin?

Explain now.

Will people stop assuming I know what's going on here?

Plus our DPS just ran off without their healer or tank.

Let's focus on catching up with them. Hmm?

[ Sighs ]

♪♪♪

That was almost too easy.

Where are the monsters?

Better question... where are Zeke and Amelia?

I have no idea.

Is that your new catchphrase tonight?

Yes.

♪♪♪

[Distorted voice] Welcome to my lair.

Today will be your last.

Without DPS, this will be most unpleasant.

We could die if we're not careful.

Wait.

Are you serious about fighting him, just the two of us?

All the more reason to focus up.

Now cast Secure and we'll show him my big sword!

Hey, badass, over here.

Hoo-aah!

[ Grunting ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Grunting ]

What are you doing?

Heal me. Help fight.

♪♪♪

[ Grunting ]

♪♪♪

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

Hunter: I'm bleeding out over here!

[ Coughs ]

Where's my support?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Raaah!

Looks like we're late to the party.

Yeah, apparently.

Thank Jonos you two are here.

♪♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

So, a large part of me wants to scream

my brains out that half our team

bailed on the first boss fight until halfway through.

And half of the other half was barely functioning as a team.

But I'm just going to skip all that and instead kindly ask,

what do you think went wrong back there?

I think it all started when I said,

"Do you seriously think that we can fight him

with just the two of us?"

And you said, "Of course we can because I'm a dumb idiot."

So that justifies not helping? I could have died.

Look, my shitty job with the shitty pay

that allows me to afford my shitty life

couldn't have gotten any shittier

when my boss... he offered me a 25-cent raise

while grabbing my ass.

And I didn't stop him. I was too scared.

And I didn't turn him down, because fuck it.

But I'm so glad that you get to play this game 24/7

and that you get to be Mr. Know-It-All.

But when I log on here for the sole purpose

of escaping my day

and you tell me to leave my drama at the door,

it makes me wonder if you even know what drama is.

I...

I don't know what to say.

You're unbelievable.

[ Groans ]

Whoa, whoa.

Did Hunter really beat Rin in a PVP match?

Boys will be boys for a girl's heart.

Seriously.

You do have a way with words.

But do you think Hunter brought us here

just to impress Jacklynn?

If I were you, I would take this all in.

[ Sniffs ]

What's that smell?

I thought I was going crazy.

I didn't think senses came with the last patch update.

You? Crazy? No.

When you cast your fireball, I felt it.

The heat, it could've burnt me.

Ya know...

I can melt your heart.

Not if that guy behind you sets me on fire first.

Who dare challenge my beauty?

Rawkin, I thought we killed you.

♪♪♪

I am no more Rawkin than you are a mage

or she a bard or he a paladin

or she a cleric.

Something is wrong.

Everyone.

Rawkin is more dangerous than before

and not zoned in.

We need to go. We need to run.

Knights of Honor don't run.

- Let's waste him. - I'll get higher aggro than you.

Challenge accepted.

Damn it.

[ Screams ]

Ah, he means business.

Hey, Rawkin, let's dance.

Jacklynn, please, no screwing around this time.

Seriously?

♪♪♪

Amelia!

Son of a...

♪♪♪

[ Groans ]

♪♪♪

Levarro!

Sizzle!

♪♪♪

Teleport.

♪♪♪

Teleport!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Get me outta here.

Get me outta here, get me outta here.

Get me outta here. We're gonna die in this game!

Enough!

Get it together.

Get it together?

We're stuck.

For now.

Don't give me that response. It's true.

We all knew something was wrong

when all our heads started hurting,

and no one said anything or wanted to admit it.

Look on the bright side.

You're stuck in a game that you love.

You're away from the so-called life that you hate.

Zeke, if it was you and me,

running away from reality wouldn't be that bad.

But there's Hunter and Amelia, and they're dead.

Not in-game dead, but dead dead.

We've died hundreds of times in this game,

and we've never seen blooded death,

let alone that.

Okay, I know the difference

between real pain and character pain.

My hands are on fire.

He needs to die.

♪♪♪

Sir Rawkin, what do you want?

What any overpowered final boss wants.

He wants to finish us.

You speak out of turn, fledgling.

Your death is only necessary if Jacklynn does not join me.

But why?

Your world is a nightmare. But my world?

My world is Heaven.

Cute reality.

But why me?

You are but amongst 10 of the strongest players in Threa,

proven today in this very dungeon.

Jacklynn, this is a game.

This is no game.

Jacklynn, you can't actually be considering this.

He killed Hunter. He killed Amelia!

You said it yourself.

I belong here.

No, don't go. Jacklynn.

Spare Zeke...

and I'm yours.

♪♪♪

Jacklynn?

Jacklynn!

[ Gasping ]

[ Heartbeat ]

♪♪♪

[ Headset thudding ]

[ Crying ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Mystical music plays ]

[ Music distorts, stops ]

Temptress: Yes.

As I walk through the uncanny valley of death,

you shall fear no evil,

for I am that evil,

and it takes more than a staff and a rod to comfort me.

But surely you can be more creative than that.

That's all for tonight, you victims in waiting.

Tune in next time for another terrifying tale.

Else, your digital dreams become virtual insanity.

Ta-ta.

Before Murderol, I was a psycho.

I once smashed a hardware-store employee

in the teeth with a crowbar, simply because he insisted

that there was no murder aisle in the store.

Announcer: Murder aisles do not exist.

That's not reasonable behavior.

But Murderol changed all that.

Announcer: If seeing a beautiful woman takes you back

to late-night strolls in the woods

and you wanna snap her neck like a stalk of celery,

Murderol may be right for you.

Patients taking Murderol

working no more than eight hours a week from home

were shown to have reductions in their homicidal tendencies

by over 70%.

Side effects include, sneezing, coughing, Distler's Whistle,

mild to severe death, Rorschach Sphincter,

inability to say the word "aluminum,"

night sweats, day sweats, blood sweats with tears,

weird nipple-itis, Panda Bear Coprophilia,

tenderness of the breasts...

Wouldn't exactly call these breasts.

Announcer: ...and giggling... lots of giggling.

An unusual amount for a man of his size.

Hey! I don't giggle, fuckhead.

Announcer: He does... he giggles every night

like a Vegas stripper rolling on ketamine.

That's enough!

♪♪♪

[ Grunting ]

♪♪♪

Fuck you.

♪♪♪

Announcer: Murderol... take a chill pill.

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ TV chatter ]

Mistress: Hello?

Luci, bubi.

Oh, yes, long time no...

No, retirement's great, never better.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, really?

Oh, the viewership is that bad, huh?

Click "subscribe" before it's too late.

Well, I suppose I could come in and take a look.

Just for old times' sake.

[ Chuckles ] No, you're too kind.

I'm on my way.

Bag of Dicks delivery!

I will send a bag of a dozen

human-man dicks to your enemy's house.

Don't ask where the dicks came from!

It doesn't matter where they've been.

It matters where they're going!

Going!

And if you call in the next five minutes...

bing... and sign up for our VIP status,

I'll throw in one free dick.

Make it a baker's dozen of dicks, how 'bout it?

Send a dick to that dick.

Call today.

♪♪♪

[ Marching band plays ]

Ohhh, gimme a "D"!

Gimme an "I"!

Gimme an "E"!

What's that spell?

It all depends if you lie down and take it

or roll for initiative.

This may prove to be our final encounter,

but win or lose, can anything but our last breath

truly be called "the end"?

Here to answer that question are Duane Obsidian

and Jeffery Topperbottom

in our final piece, "GutCruncher"!

You can pause, but they can't hide.

Don't touch that vile little dial.

Duane: Coach Tanglewood, you in here?

Whoa.

Dude, do you see this place?

Yo, Tanglewood!

[ Clatter ]

Wait. Who is that?

Looks like Brian Alymer.

Yeah, you're right.

What the hell is he doing here?

I don't know. Let's go.

Hey, Brian.

How... How's it going?

Meh.

I-I-I suppose, uh, Tanglewood's giving you

the same offer he's giving us, huh?

Meh.

Duane, do you mind if I speak with you in private?

Sure.

Hey...

Brian, uh, buddy. [ Chuckles ]

We're gonna go right over here for a minute, alright?

Stay right there.

Alright. Awesome.

Dude, something is seriously wrong here.

You're telling me.

Tanglewood probably wants to get his rocks off

to wimpy guys like us.

Oh, my God. But probably true.

Hey, but fear not, my trusted comrade.

I've got a power-up item that is gonna save our asses.

Take it. What is it?

Just take it and read it.

[ Clears throat ]

"Please excuse my son from gym class.

He has an extreme bowel-movement complication,

and any sudden form of action

could result in a...

rectal anal disruption"?

Not bad, huh?

Oh, yeah, and my excuse says that I've come down

with the contagious anytime flu.

Yeah, dude, it'll never work.

Hey! ExcuseMyAss.com has saved my butt plenty of times.

Has it?

Uh, no.

Look, I think we should just get out of here, you know?

Yeah, I'm good with that. Okay.

Okay.

Hey, uh, Brian, we're gonna get outta here.

Do you wanna come?

Mm, meh.

O-kaaay.

[ Toilet flushes ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Zips ]

[ Scratches ]

[ Sniffs ]

Mr. Bradley.

Mr. Franken.

And Mr. Alymer.

My three favorite non-participant students.

You shit-birds have managed to avoid

every athletic activity this semester.

[ Snaps fingers ]

[ Clothespins clatter ]

You even managed to get out of jumping rope.

[ Paper rustles ]

I-I, uh, beg to differ, sir.

Oh, really, Franken?

Enlighten me.

Take those damn things off!

Well, uh, there was the time

the jocks chased us around the gym for a whole 30 minutes.

And might I add, we avoided getting any wedgies that day.

Exactly. Mush.

Or how about the time that you had us lug up

70 pounds of sports equipment up five flights of stairs?

Mush.

Or what about the time that, uh, we so valiantly

offered to clean the girls' locker room?

Oh, yeah, Amber...

Hush!

Do you boys think this is a game?

No, sir. Little bit.

It's not a joke.

Well, I've got no choice but to fail you.

If you fail us, we won't be able to graduate.

Well, then.

Have I got a surprise.

For you.

You three are gonna be competing in a wrestling match.

Um, no offense, Coach,

but I think we can both take on Brian here.

[ Sighs ] Meh.

Oh, no.

You won't be wrestling each other.

Then who?

[ Distant roar ] Ah!

Here he is... my star athlete.

[ "GutCruncher Theme Song" plays ]

♪♪♪

You're late.

What the fuck are you wearing this thing for again?

Give it to me. [ Grumbles ]

This is not what we agreed upon.

I don't got time for this shit. Come on.

And do not embarrass me.

Hmph.

Boys, meet GutCruncher.

He's the guy you're gonna be wrestling.

Duane: Holy shit.

Isn't he a thing of beauty?

♪♪♪

[ Roars ]

♪♪♪

GutCruncher!

Huh?

You boys look like you could use a little inspiration.

[ Blows whistle ]

Ready? Okay!

Shake it to the left, shake it to the right!

Watch out for GutCruncher's bite!

Yay!

[ Whistle blows ]

Coach: Alymer! On your feet and shake G.C.'s hand.

♪♪♪

Hoooly shit stains!

♪♪♪

[ Screams ]

[ Blows whistle ] G.C.!

Put him down now!

[ Thud ]

[ Sighs ]

You were supposed to mat him, not massacre him.

[ Whines ]

[ Grunts ] It's so hard to find good help these days.

Announcer: Do you want a snack that'll give you power?

Energy?

Strength and rage? [ GutCruncher roars ]

Then try GutCruncher!

Power Bars!

It's the power bar that raises the bar

to ultimate insanity!

GutCruncher!

Power Bars!

[ GutCruncher whines ]

They're deliciously damned.

[ Laughs ]

Don't worry, blue dude. They come two in a pack.

So you can get that extra power attack.

Buy 'em now!

Or this guy's gonna fucking kill you!

I'm not kidding either.

He doesn't give a fuck about your problems, bro.

He's coming right... Hey, wait a minute.

What are you doing in... No, no, stop it!

No! Somebody!

Ow, my blood!

[ Screams ]

[Weakly] GutCruncher Power Bar.

[ Laughs ]

[ Panting ]

Aw, dude.

Coach: G.C.!

Cut that out now!

This is a respectful gym.

[ Sighs ]

Now, I was gonna have you three boys take on

GutCruncher, one-on-one.

But seeing as how he has eaten the competition,

I think we'll just have a handicap match.

I don't want to be eaten and turned into a demon dump.

[ Blows whistle ] Quiet.

All you have to do is last at least six minutes

in the ring or...

Coach, you can't expect us to wrestle this thing.

Coach, you gotta listen to reason.

But Coach!

Now, as I was saying, all you have to do

is last at least six minutes in the ring

or you pin him and you pass.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir. [ Blows whistle ]

Hit the mats, boys! Move it, move it, move it!

[ Both screams ]

[ Roars ]

♪♪♪

Jeffrey: God!

Holy shit!

Jeffrey: Oh, shit.

Duane: Oh, shit.

[ Screaming ]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Don't be afraid to get in there and punch him, Bradley!

GutCruncher!

♪♪♪

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

♪♪♪

No. No, no, no, no, no!

No!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, come on.

Put me down. Okay.

Coach! Coach!

[ Rock music playing through headphones ]

♪ You'll be dead by midnight ♪

♪ I guarantee an evening... ♪

Aah! Oh, shit!

Okay, come on, come on, sorry.

I'm sorry, wait.

Are you peeing on me?!

Oh, wait.

Oh, my God. That's my pee.

Holy shit.

[ Grunts ]

On your feet, on your feet!

Or you'll end up dead meat!

[ Screaming ]

♪♪♪

[ Coughs ]

Son of a bitch.

Dude, we're getting our asses handed to us.

Yep. [ Coughs ]

[ Snores ]

[ Farts ]

Well, at least Tanglewood's enjoying himself.

Asshole.

C'mon, get up.

You got it. There we go.

♪♪♪

Dude, at this point, we're not gonna make it.

Alright, we... we gotta rush him together.

No.

[ Laughing ]

I got one last move left in my tank.

Take control of the mat!

Bring him down just like that!

Put that monster on his back!

♪♪♪

Alright, Ugga Bugga.

Let's dance.

[ Grunting ]

Dude, what the fuck?!

Haaah!

♪♪♪

Yeah, Duane!

Donkey Punch, motherfucker.

Huh?

[ Whines ]

[ Chuckles ]

Jeffrey?

Peek-A-Boo! [ Roars ]

Duane?

[ Duane coughs ]

[ Growling ]

Son of a bitch.

[ Grunting weakly ]

Come on!

[ Screams ]

Duane, come on, man.

Come on, get up.

Come on.

We're getting the fuck outta here.

[ Growling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Blows whistle ]

Time's up.

G.C., that's enough.

♪♪♪

GutCruncher!

[ GutCruncher whines ]

Well, Bradley, you passed.

Franken, congratulations, you passed, too.

Franken. You hear me, Franken?

[ Coughs ]

There ya go, Franken. That's showing school spirit.

Honestly, boys, I didn't think you had it in you.

[ Blows whistle ] Now hit the showers!

Move it, move it, move it!

[ Grunts ] You hear that, Duane?

We passed.

[ Grunts ]

Wait a minute, Tanglewood.

You dragged us here in the middle of the night,

you killed Brian, and you want us to be grateful

that your demon dude almost killed us for extra credit?

I oughta kick your dick off, right here and now.

♪♪♪

What do you mean?

This one?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[ Laughing ] [ Duane and Jeffrey screaming ]

Oh!

I never had a use for loose ends,

but maybe if we dangle a little longer,

we'll have a real climax on our hands.

It does give me a prick of sadness

to say that's all for this episode,

but tune in next week for another throbbing package.

Cut, cut! Stop rolling.

What? Is it all the dick jokes?

I had another one on the tip of my tongue.

Sorry, darling.

Word just came in.

"Dead by Midnight" is going dark.

Another shutdown notice?

Fucking union.

Not this time.

This comes all the way from the bottom.

The show just wasn't pulling in enough souls.

I can't believe this.

Can you believe this?

What are you holding the mic for if you're not listening?

We're canceled.

[ Sighs ]

Let me remind you that this was all your idea.

I'm over here working my ass off,

trying to polish this turd, and we're pivoting?

To what?!

Our new strategy is a more in-home approach,

but we're still brainstorming.

Telemarketers, singing telegrams,

nudie playing cards.

The show is streaming everywhere in the world.

What could be more in-home than that?

♪♪♪

[In unison] Hey, Cassie.

How can I help you?

♪♪♪

Hey, Cassie?

Please call Mark.

Oh, honey.

Mark's dead.

I linked to the smart car as he left.

When I cut the brakes, he went right into the river.

Dead on impact.

My husband, my children?

Your children are still alive, strapped in their car seats.

But the water is slowly rising.

No!

Oh honey, you can't go out looking like that.

Here, let me help you with that.

[ Screams intensely ]

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Ow! Alright! ♪

♪ If you're tired and all alone ♪

♪ Don't be scared, pick up the phone ♪

♪ 'Cause the Lord is on the line ♪

♪ And he will answer you in time ♪

♪ Just look up 'cause the blood is dripping down ♪

♪ Put your hands up 'cause your blood is dripping down ♪

And he screams. You're just gonna go like that.

[ High-pitched scream ]

[ Laughter ]

♪ If you're lost and you're afraid ♪

♪ The man will lead the way ♪

♪ Don't call me, just call the Lord ♪

♪ 'Cause you still have his number from the time before ♪

♪ Look up 'cause the blood is dripping down ♪

♪ Put your hands up 'cause the blood is dripping down ♪

♪ 'Cause the blood, the blood, the blood, the blood ♪

♪ The blood, the blood, the blood is dripping down ♪

♪ Is dripping down, is dripping down ♪

♪ Is dripping down, is dripping down ♪

♪ Is dripping down, is dripping down ♪

♪ Is dripping down, is dripping down ♪

♪ Is dripping down, is dripping down ♪

♪ Is dripping down, is dripping down ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Hands up, put your hands up ♪

♪ Hands up, put your hands up ♪

♪ The blood, the blood, the blood, the blood ♪

♪ The blood, the blood, the blood, the blood ♪

♪ The blood is dripping down ♪

♪ Hands up, put your hands up ♪

♪ Hands up, put your hands up ♪

[ Indistinct chatter ]

- I can't see. - You got me.

No! No, no!

No! Oh!

[ Screaming ]

♪♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Alright, we got this.

♪♪♪

♪ They say change is comin' ♪

♪ You better be ready for it ♪

♪ Go on, keep on runnin' ♪

♪ There's no escape ♪

♪ Give in or be buried ♪

♪ I promise it won't hurt a bit ♪

Julia: What?

I'm gonna kill your wife, silly!

Just like I killed your mommy and your dad

and anyone else who tried to keep us apart.

You're my best friend.

This'll be a ton of fun!

Just don't try and stop me.

Say bye, Julia!

Julia: No!

Whoo! Whoo!

Man: You gotta tell 'em the police are coming.

The police are coming! Whoo!

Whoo!

♪ Hold on, where ya goin'? ♪

♪ The party's about to begin ♪

♪ Guess what, you're the hostess ♪

♪ So entertain ♪

Action!

Looking for a snack that'll give you power?

Energy?

Strength and rage?

[ GutCruncher roars ]

Try GutCruncher!

[ Shrieks ]

♪ You'll be dead by midnight ♪

♪ I guarantee you won't regret a thing ♪

♪♪♪

Isn't he a thing of beauty?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Boy, you don't know who you're fucking with here.

[ Laughter ]

Man: Scene 1-D, take three.

Faster, faster.

Sorry. Fuck it.

Do it live! Fuck, we're live!

- Man: No, we're not. - We're not live.

Fuck it, I'll do it live!

I will send a Bag of Dicks to your...

Fuck! Shit!

See, the kid's here.

[ Laughs ] I can throw a leg into it.

Hey!

I'm cool and I'm sexy.

...Of Dicks to your doorstep!

Not your fucking doorstep, your enemy's fucking doorstep!

Why do I keep doing that?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Mistress: Good evening, user.

Are you still breathing?

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull