Original subtitles

You're lovely.

- Where the hell did you go? - Mate!

- Dex, I'm done. - No, no. Wait.

- Let me tell you a secret about Cal. - Dex.

He didn't get a shag until he was 22.

Don't be a dick.

Yeah.

Look at him now!

- I'm off. - No, wait. What time is it?

You're a state.

Fuck!

Okay. Okay. Come on.

Mom?

Hello, hello. I hope you started without me.

Started? You're three hours late.

- You're sweating.

Blame Prada.

It's synthetic fibers.

Present.

What beautiful wrapping.

Well, it's not me, I'm afraid.

No. Yours come in plastic bags, when they come at all.

- It's from Emma. - Lovely Emma Morley?

- How is she? - Good.

Yeah. She's just got her own little place.

It's tiny.

She's out all the time.

New friends.

Cultured evenings.

- But you're still friends? - Course.

Well, do thank her for me.

Although you might want to steer her towards short stories.

Mom.

And what about you?

- Are you happy? - I'm having a marvelous time.

- That's not what I asked. - Look, life is good.

I present a television show, Mother. I know you never watch it.

I have watched it.

I watched it last week, in fact.

Did you?

And what did you think?

What do you want me to say, Dexter?

I don't care for the program.

Well, it's not for people like you, is it?

I just don't understand why you need to humiliate people all the time.

- We don't humiliate people. - "Britain's ugliest girlfriend"?

It's a silly late-night show.

Post pub.

Don't overthink it.

How about...

I'm afraid the afternoon's rather taken it out of me.

I'm going to go and have to lie down.

Of course. All right.

I was bright as a button at midday.

As the day goes on, I sort of wither.

I'll need some help.

Of course, yeah. Um...

Uh...

I can walk now.

I just need your help up the stairs.

- Oh!

- Sorry. - It's all right. It's all right.

Um...

- Shall I open the window? - Ah, leave it.

Oh, it's... it's just a bit close.

You're staying the night, aren't you?

Uh, actually,

I... I can't.

I've got plans.

Oh.

It's a film premiere.

- Princess Di will be there. - Oh, well.

- When Princess Di calls... - Yeah.

You'll stay for supper, though?

Six o'clock?

Of course. I'll be there.

Sleep well.

Goodbye, darling.

Oh, you've arrived.

- Where's your mother? - Sleeping. She was tired.

Where do you think you're going?

To my room.

Dexter.

Dexter.

Dexter.

Dexter. It's time to wake up.

- You've missed the whole day. - What time is it?

After seven.

I'm afraid your father is very angry with you.

Well...

What's new?

Are you?

I'm angry with everyone these days.

Good God.

Did I really wear this? It's a bit over-the-top, don't you think?

It's beautiful.

Mm.

- And you looked beautiful in it.

- Even my friends fancied you. - Oh, Dexter!

They did.

That's my first tux.

Yes.

You've had everything you ever could have wanted.

I know.

And you've done nothing with it.

Mm, what?

Money, schooling.

I've not done nothing. Uh...

Uh... I'm a presenter on a TV show.

I'm a celebrity, actually.

Mom...

I think that you have it in you to be a fine young man.

Exceptional, even. I always have.

But you're not there yet, Dexter.

You're a long way off.

And I'm afraid the person you have become...

is not very nice.

I'm sorry.

Mom.

I love you.

- I'll... I'll... I'll stay tonight. - No, no, no.

- I will. I... I... I want to. - Dexter.

- Come back next time and...

start again.

I've hidden them.

You've what?

I've hidden your car keys, Dexter, because you're drunk.

I... I'm not drunk.

I'm hungover.

That's all!

Why didn't you wake me?

I tried.

Well, you couldn't have tried very hard.

You arrive late, sleep all day, miss two meals,

and this is somehow my fault?

You can pick your car up on Saturday when you're sober.

I'll give you a lift to the station. Come on.

You're a grown man, Dexter.

Your mother loves you very much.

We both do.

But in whatever time your mother has left, if you ever...

ever turn up at our door in that state again,

I will not let you in.

Do you understand?!

I... I...

I carried her up the stairs.

So?

I... I put her into bed.

Go home, Dexter.

Now.

Leave a message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks.

Hi there, Emma.

It's Dexter here.

Emma, well, I'm, uh...

I'm calling because I'm... I'm at this train station near home.

Um... I just came from Mom and Dad's.

And, uh, well...

what are you doing tonight?

I've got... I've got these tickets to a premiere.

It's Basic Instinct. Uh, it's meant to be pretty steamy.

Princess Di will be there, apparently.

Well, I mean, probably not, but

maybe. Who knows?

Uh, okay, I'm... I'm waffling now.

Just pick up the phone, Emma.

If you're there...

If you're there, just pick up.

Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Oh, shit. God, I just remembered.

You've got your... your hot date tonight.

Okay, well, give me a call when you get in.

If you get in.

But seriously, do, um... do call me.

Anytime.

Just been an unbelievably, unbelievably shitty day, Em.

Anyway,

you have a great night,

and, uh...

I want to hear all the details, you heartbreaker, you.

Oh, God.

Hiya.

Hi.

- Oh my... Oh. - Oh. Uh...

Oh. Sorry, can we...

- No, don't do that. - Ah. I fucked the olives.

Not... Not literally, I hasten to add.

Um...

- Chair or banquette? - What?

I went for chairs, but would you have preferred a banquette?

Oh no, a chair is fine. Yeah.

Funny word, banquette.

Uh, not really. It's French.

"Bown-ki-et."

It's... Uh, it's just French.

- Do I have something on my face? - No. No. It's...

No. You just look... You look so lovely.

Ah, thanks.

You look... You look quite nice as well.

Oh.

Any drinks?

Uh, yeah. I'd love a vodka and tonic.

Very good. Is that a double?

- Oh God, is that too reckless? - Oh, proceed, fair maiden.

And for you, sir?

I'll hang on for the wine. Grazie.

- Feel a real warmth from that man.

Well, fancy restaurant, rude waiter.

- It's the law. - You think it's fancy?

Yeah, quite fancy.

- Do you know what you want yet? - Ooh...

- Minute steak looks good. - Mm.

Or is that minute steak?

As in, is it cooked for 60 seconds? Or is it just a really small steak?

I'm sure you can check when you order.

How about you?

Penne for your thoughts?

-"Penne for your thoughts."

Idiot.

I got you a beer. You like beer, right? We can swap if you like.

Miss Morley, you trying to seduce me?

Mm. I'm trying to sedate you.

Stop being so nervous, right? It's only me.

Your old mucker from London's second-worst Mexican restaurant.

Second worst?

Mm-hmm.

- Time Out, last week. - Oof.

I loved working there.

No. No. Stop. It took me six months to get that out of my head.

Yeah, but don't you find yourself doing the steps?

You'd be stood waiting for the bus, then your feet start going...

No. No. Stop. Stop.

And just to be clear, so there's no arguments later,

we are going Dutch tonight.

- Emma, no. - It's 1992, for Chrissake.

- A woman can pay for her half of dinner. - Yeah, but you're not a woman.

I mean, uh... You are a woman,

but you're... you're a student. That's... That's what I meant.

Not for much longer.

I had my first job interview today to teach English and drama.

Oh?

How'd it go?

Yeah, good.

Yes!

Would you like a wine to suit the meal?

Um...

Yes.

Uh...

"A voluptuous mouthful of forest fire

with a back note of exploding toffee apple."

Never anything unexpected, is it?

Flavors of bacon Wotsits with a succulent back note of giraffe.

- Ian? - Yeah?

Stop.

Might I suggest the Valpolicella?

Mm. Oh...

Blackberries and vanilla, it says here.

Do you like blackberries and vanilla?

I love them.

So you did it. You said you were gonna do it. You did it.

Well, I mean, hey. Don't be fooled.

There's actually real vanity to it, teaching.

I'm hoping it's gonna play out like Dead Poets Society.

Just all adulation and no marking.

- It's brilliant, Em. - Mm, I don't know about that.

I'm just happy to be doing something so I can endlessly stop pondering

whatever the hell it is I should be doing.

Sorry.

- I'm talking incessantly. - No, you're not.

I love hearing you talk.

Uh, so, uh, do you, um... Do you still see any of the old gang?

- Like Paddy or Scotty or anyone? - Oh, uh...

- Yeah. Well, sometimes. - Yeah.

- We have a few pints. A few laughs. - Mm.

How about you?

Are you... Are you still mates with Dexter?

"Make some noise."

He's, uh... He's doing all right for himself.

Yeah.

He's having a bit of a hard time of it at the moment. His mom's ill,

and he's not taking it very well.

Oh.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Mm.

Well, anyway, that's good, then, that you're still around for him.

Never really liked him, I guess.

No. I remember that.

Mm.

In fact, I... I always thought he took you a bit for granted.

Shit.

Um...

Was that necessary, Ian?

No, it was not.

Sorry, Emma.

It's, um...

Well, it's... It's none of my business.

No, it's fine.

- Shall we do that thing? - Hmm?

Or...

Or we could get another bottle.

Mm.

God. I am wasted.

- Are you? - No.

- Not at all.

I could fly a commercial aircraft long haul.

Ah.

Hey, I'm sorry about all those gags at the start.

- Mm-hmm. - It was...

I think what it is, is if you're at school

and you're not smart, popular, whatever, then one day you say something,

and someone laughs, you just grab onto it, don't you?

You think, "I'm... I'm shit at sport, I'm quite short, and nobody fancies me."

But at least I can make people laugh.

Not you.

Other people.

- You get a bit reliant on it.

'Cause if you're not funny, you're not... anything.

I don't believe that.

- What? - That no one fancied you.

Well, documentary evidence would seem to suggest otherwise.

Well, I'm here.

Aren't I?

God. Uh, I'm trying to be cool.

But I can't,

because I am just...

quite happy to be seeing you again.

I really, really like you, Emma.

I think you are

the absolute bollocks.

Mm.

- Blackberries and vanilla.

Me again.

I know you're out with laughing boy,

but I just wanted to say I've decided not to go to the premiere in the end.

- If you want to come round later...

I mean, I'd like that.

I'll pay for your taxi. You can stay over, so...

Me again.

Just checking in.

A bit drunk now, actually.

You know, I've been thinking.

You're a great thing, Emma Morley.

Oh figs.

Guess who.

- Where are you, you dirty stop-out?

Oh, well.

Call me anytime.

I'm not going anywhere.