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# It seems today
that all you see #
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# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV #
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00:00:08,423 --> 00:00:11,843
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values #
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00:00:11,910 --> 00:00:14,796
# On which we used to rely?
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00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:18,415
# Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:21,602
# Lucky there's a man
who positively can do #
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# All the things that make us
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# Laugh and cry
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# He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! #
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# Family Guy 10x10 #
Meg and Quagmire
Original Air Date on January 8, 2012
11
00:00:32,527 --> 00:00:36,027
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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00:00:36,631 --> 00:00:38,832
You guys, don't you think
I'm a little old
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00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:41,251
for the Teen Choice Awards?
I mean, I turned 18 today.
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00:00:41,335 --> 00:00:42,636
Oh, come on, Meg.
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00:00:42,703 --> 00:00:44,721
You always used to love
the Teen Choice Awards.
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00:00:44,789 --> 00:00:46,523
Yeah, ever since Fox
pulled this contrived night
17
00:00:46,591 --> 00:00:49,192
of out of
their ass, in an effort
18
00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:50,794
to get in on the awards
show business,
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00:00:50,861 --> 00:00:52,712
it's been very
special to you.
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00:00:52,763 --> 00:00:57,050
Coming to you live, it's
the Teen Choice Awards!
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00:00:57,101 --> 00:00:58,602
Featuring...
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00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:09,029
I tell ya, every year, I
recognize fewer and fewer names.
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00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:28,548
And a live performance by...
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00:01:31,736 --> 00:01:35,855
Plus we tally your text vote
for the Biggest Whiff
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00:01:35,923 --> 00:01:37,490
and Choice Bro-ment
of the Year!
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00:01:48,302 --> 00:01:49,469
And now your host...
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00:01:49,537 --> 00:01:51,571
Wavyhair Doucheston!
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00:01:54,492 --> 00:01:56,559
I touched him!
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00:01:56,627 --> 00:01:58,662
What's up, Teen Choice Awards?!
30
00:02:00,114 --> 00:02:01,581
We're gonna kick things off
31
00:02:01,632 --> 00:02:03,049
with Choice Lacrosse Guy Smile!
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00:02:03,117 --> 00:02:07,921
Give it up for our first
presenter, Wilford Brimley!
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00:02:07,989 --> 00:02:10,473
It's entirely too loud in here!
34
00:02:10,558 --> 00:02:12,192
Quiet down!
35
00:02:12,259 --> 00:02:14,427
There's no accountability
anymore!
36
00:02:14,495 --> 00:02:15,762
I have diabetes!
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00:02:15,830 --> 00:02:18,515
Hey, what do you say we get
some music in here, huh?
38
00:02:18,582 --> 00:02:20,050
No, that'll only
make things worse!
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00:02:20,117 --> 00:02:22,552
Give it up for our first
nominated Choice Band
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00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:25,188
of the Night,
Peehole Skin!
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00:02:27,024 --> 00:02:29,192
# Feelings
42
00:02:30,561 --> 00:02:32,979
# Feelings
43
00:02:35,349 --> 00:02:37,233
# Feelings
44
00:02:38,335 --> 00:02:39,952
I'm gonna put
a stop to this!
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00:02:50,064 --> 00:02:51,564
Well, that was
unfortunate.
46
00:02:51,631 --> 00:02:53,733
Hey, what's with all
the cars on the street?
47
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,785
Oh, they're all here
for your surprise party, Meg.
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00:02:55,853 --> 00:02:57,637
Peter, for God's
sake, you idiot!
49
00:02:57,705 --> 00:02:59,639
We were supposed
to open the door
50
00:02:59,707 --> 00:03:01,240
so everyone could
yell "surprise!"
51
00:03:02,876 --> 00:03:04,310
Surprise!
52
00:03:04,361 --> 00:03:06,929
Oh... Oh, dear.
53
00:03:06,997 --> 00:03:09,749
Mom, if it's a surprise party,
where is everybody?
54
00:03:09,816 --> 00:03:11,117
Chris, what the hell?!
55
00:03:11,185 --> 00:03:12,785
I thought you were
gonna pay the kids
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00:03:12,853 --> 00:03:15,221
from school to show up!
I gave you $300!
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00:03:15,289 --> 00:03:16,689
Why do you think
Dad's here?
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00:03:16,757 --> 00:03:18,091
Hey, Meg, happy birthday.
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00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:19,976
You're the coolest.
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00:03:20,044 --> 00:03:22,311
Well, then what are all the cars
doing out there?
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00:03:22,379 --> 00:03:23,980
Oh, they must be
for Mort's party.
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00:03:24,048 --> 00:03:26,215
Okay, the first rule
of Jewish fight club
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00:03:26,283 --> 00:03:29,535
is if somebody says,
"Ow," you stop.
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00:03:29,603 --> 00:03:30,670
Ow!
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00:03:30,738 --> 00:03:31,971
Okay, let's eat.
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00:03:32,039 --> 00:03:34,140
I'm really sorry
about this, honey.
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00:03:34,208 --> 00:03:36,008
I-It looks like
nobody's coming.
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00:03:36,076 --> 00:03:38,778
But we had fun at the Teen
Choice Awards, right?
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00:03:38,846 --> 00:03:40,179
I guess.
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00:03:40,247 --> 00:03:42,415
Well, I guess we
ought to call it a night.
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00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:43,916
Come on, Stewie.
Up to bed.
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00:03:43,984 --> 00:03:47,353
No party? Oh, come on.
I was gonna show a slide show
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00:03:47,421 --> 00:03:49,288
of all those silly photos
I took of Meg.
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00:03:58,432 --> 00:04:00,133
Well, happy birthday
anyway, Meg.
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00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,567
See you in the morning.
76
00:04:04,471 --> 00:04:06,255
Hey, Quagmire.
What's going on?
77
00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:07,774
Well, Peter,
a little birdie told me
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00:04:07,841 --> 00:04:08,825
that today is
Meg's birthday.
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00:04:08,892 --> 00:04:09,875
You giving me credit?
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00:04:09,927 --> 00:04:11,310
Yeah, I just told him.
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00:04:11,378 --> 00:04:12,478
I'm the one
who told him.
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00:04:13,814 --> 00:04:15,932
So where is
the birthday girl?
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00:04:15,999 --> 00:04:17,433
Oh, hi, Mr. Quagmire.
84
00:04:17,501 --> 00:04:20,753
Oh, please,
my father is Mr. Quagmi--
85
00:04:20,821 --> 00:04:22,422
Oh, no. He's... Okay,
well, he used
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00:04:22,489 --> 00:04:23,656
to be Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:23,724 --> 00:04:25,758
Now he's, how he's
just Ida Davis.
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00:04:25,826 --> 00:04:28,194
Anyway, this is a special day
for you, young lady.
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00:04:28,262 --> 00:04:30,897
Here's a gift for ya.
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00:04:30,964 --> 00:04:32,131
A scented candle?
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00:04:32,199 --> 00:04:34,000
As a girl,
I love this!
92
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,902
That was originally $30.
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00:04:35,969 --> 00:04:37,904
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
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00:04:37,971 --> 00:04:39,472
Well, it's your
18th birthday, Meg.
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00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:40,807
That's a very important
milestone in
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00:04:40,874 --> 00:04:41,874
a young girl's...
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00:04:41,942 --> 00:04:43,676
I mean, a young
woman's life.
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00:04:43,744 --> 00:04:45,311
Hey, welcome
to the adult club, huh?
99
00:04:45,379 --> 00:04:46,579
And you know what?
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00:04:46,647 --> 00:04:48,114
You got another member
right next door
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00:04:48,182 --> 00:04:49,582
if you ever want
to talk and stuff.
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00:04:49,650 --> 00:04:51,000
Happy birthday.
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00:04:54,705 --> 00:04:56,606
Hey... Hey, where's
that pinky going, huh?
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00:04:56,673 --> 00:04:58,474
Where's he going?
105
00:04:58,542 --> 00:05:00,510
Wha, what's he doing?
Get back here.
106
00:05:00,577 --> 00:05:02,111
There you go.
107
00:05:02,179 --> 00:05:04,664
Look at Quagmire hitting
on that skank.
108
00:05:04,731 --> 00:05:06,432
You know he's gonna
close the deal.
109
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:07,834
Peter, that skank is
your daughter.
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00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:09,435
Oh, my God,
you're right!
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00:05:09,503 --> 00:05:12,604
You know, Meg, I'd love to
see you without your hat on.
112
00:05:13,123 --> 00:05:14,056
Okay.
113
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,868
So, anyway, I'm on approach
into Lambert Field
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00:05:21,936 --> 00:05:24,504
in some of the worst turbulence
I've ever flown through.
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00:05:24,572 --> 00:05:26,473
I mean, I have never seen
anything like it.
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00:05:26,541 --> 00:05:28,575
Everyone in the cabin
was, like, "Aah!"
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00:05:28,660 --> 00:05:30,210
but I kept my cool.
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00:05:30,278 --> 00:05:32,713
I trusted my training,
and brought the plane in safely,
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00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:34,581
and in fact,
it turned out, ironically,
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00:05:34,649 --> 00:05:37,017
to be one of the smoothest
landings I've ever made.
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00:05:37,085 --> 00:05:39,152
Well, gosh, Quagmire,
this has been a fun night,
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00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:41,321
but I guess, uh, you better be
getting home now, huh?
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00:05:41,389 --> 00:05:42,673
Yeah, it is getting late
124
00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:44,758
I guess I'll go home
and rub out a giggity.
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00:05:44,826 --> 00:05:45,892
Take it easy, you guys.
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00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,127
See you later, Meg.
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00:05:47,195 --> 00:05:49,262
Bye.
128
00:05:49,330 --> 00:05:50,297
Okay, that was weird.
129
00:05:50,365 --> 00:05:51,314
That was weird.
Right?
130
00:05:51,382 --> 00:05:52,716
Oh, my God,
so weird.
131
00:05:52,784 --> 00:05:54,601
I tell you something,
if he touches my daughter,
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00:05:54,669 --> 00:05:56,203
I'm gonna be kicking butts
and taking names!
133
00:05:56,270 --> 00:05:57,371
And then giving
those names
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00:05:57,438 --> 00:05:58,839
to other people
whose butts I kick.
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00:05:58,906 --> 00:06:00,757
What's your name?
136
00:06:00,825 --> 00:06:01,892
Derek.
137
00:06:01,959 --> 00:06:03,577
What's your name?
138
00:06:03,644 --> 00:06:04,478
Michael.
139
00:06:04,545 --> 00:06:05,479
You're Derek now!
140
00:06:17,091 --> 00:06:17,991
Oh!
141
00:07:00,535 --> 00:07:03,303
Okay, Glenn,
time to reel her in.
142
00:07:10,878 --> 00:07:13,563
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
143
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:18,301
Ah, it's too much, too much.
144
00:07:23,341 --> 00:07:25,041
I love stars!
145
00:07:27,879 --> 00:07:31,081
We now return to Grainy Footage
of a Potential Bigfoot
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00:07:31,149 --> 00:07:33,700
that will surely spark a lively
debate in your household.
147
00:07:37,238 --> 00:07:38,738
Oh, my God!
That is real!
148
00:07:38,806 --> 00:07:41,241
No, total fake.
149
00:07:41,309 --> 00:07:43,043
Look at that. That is obviously
a suit. It's a fraud.
150
00:07:43,110 --> 00:07:44,594
Look at the way it walks.
Totally fake.
151
00:07:44,662 --> 00:07:45,996
Why would somebody
make that up, Lois?
152
00:07:46,063 --> 00:07:47,164
What's in it for them?
153
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,634
Oh, hey, Mr. G.
How's it going?
154
00:07:50,701 --> 00:07:52,002
Quagmire, what are you
doing here?
155
00:07:52,069 --> 00:07:53,503
Hi, Glenn.
Bye, you guys.
156
00:07:53,571 --> 00:07:54,971
Me and Glenn
are going out.
157
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:56,690
What?! Like
hell you are!
158
00:07:56,757 --> 00:07:59,359
Don't worry, Dad!
I'll take care of him!
159
00:07:59,427 --> 00:08:01,645
Stay away from my sis!
160
00:08:01,712 --> 00:08:03,763
Okay, you two have
fun on your date.
161
00:08:03,848 --> 00:08:05,315
What?!
Drive carefully.
162
00:08:05,382 --> 00:08:06,817
We'll see you later.
163
00:08:06,884 --> 00:08:08,285
Lois, are you out
of your mind?!
164
00:08:08,352 --> 00:08:10,153
We can't let Quagmire
take Meg out on a date!
165
00:08:10,221 --> 00:08:11,621
That guy'll bang anything.
166
00:08:11,689 --> 00:08:13,340
Hey, Lois, I'm starving.
What's for dinner?
167
00:08:13,407 --> 00:08:15,525
I made meatloaf.
It's in the fridge.
168
00:08:15,593 --> 00:08:17,511
Hey, Peter, do you mind?
169
00:08:17,578 --> 00:08:18,995
But I have
to get dinner.
170
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:20,380
Go out!
171
00:08:20,448 --> 00:08:21,381
Peter, nothing's
gonna happen.
172
00:08:21,449 --> 00:08:22,732
Don't you see?
173
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,001
She's only doing this
to get a rise out of us.
174
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:27,170
If we fight her on it,
she'll only push further.
175
00:08:27,238 --> 00:08:29,105
Well, she may not plan
on sleeping with him,
176
00:08:29,173 --> 00:08:30,924
but you don't know how
smooth Quagmire is, Lois.
177
00:08:30,992 --> 00:08:32,092
He's like a vagician.
178
00:08:32,159 --> 00:08:33,527
Oh, that's clever.
179
00:08:33,594 --> 00:08:35,762
I know! Isn't it?
He practices vagic.
180
00:08:35,830 --> 00:08:37,197
"Vagician" was funnier.
181
00:08:37,265 --> 00:08:39,165
Okay, well, the point is,
we ought to be worried.
182
00:08:39,233 --> 00:08:40,233
Peter, trust me.
183
00:08:40,301 --> 00:08:41,868
I know what's going on
in her head.
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00:08:41,936 --> 00:08:43,036
It's just a game.
185
00:08:43,104 --> 00:08:45,372
I used to do the same
thing to my parents.
186
00:08:45,439 --> 00:08:47,007
The problem is,
they pushed back,
187
00:08:47,074 --> 00:08:48,909
and the results
were not good.
188
00:08:50,077 --> 00:08:51,211
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
189
00:08:51,279 --> 00:08:52,646
we pumped your
daughter's stomach
190
00:08:52,713 --> 00:08:54,748
and we found vodka, Rohypnol,
a fair amount of DNA
191
00:08:54,815 --> 00:08:57,083
that is not her own
and a class ring.
192
00:08:57,151 --> 00:08:58,218
Harvard?
193
00:08:58,286 --> 00:09:00,487
I think it was
SUNY something.
194
00:09:00,555 --> 00:09:02,122
Oh, I don't want
to hear any more!
195
00:09:04,508 --> 00:09:06,076
So how're
your studies going?
196
00:09:06,143 --> 00:09:07,143
They're going
pretty good.
197
00:09:07,211 --> 00:09:08,712
School's good.
198
00:09:08,779 --> 00:09:10,113
What's your favorite class?
199
00:09:10,181 --> 00:09:11,848
What was your
favorite class?
200
00:09:11,916 --> 00:09:13,683
Okay, let's say it
at the same time
201
00:09:13,751 --> 00:09:14,985
and see if they're
the same.
202
00:09:15,052 --> 00:09:16,586
Okay, one, two, three.
203
00:09:16,654 --> 00:09:17,921
Hist... math!
Math!
204
00:09:17,989 --> 00:09:20,190
Oh, my God, we have
so much in common!
205
00:09:20,258 --> 00:09:21,791
Do you have any brothers
or sisters?
206
00:09:21,859 --> 00:09:22,959
Yeah, I have
two brothers.
207
00:09:23,027 --> 00:09:24,060
Aw, they sound
terrific.
208
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:25,862
Hey, you want to blow
this joint?
209
00:09:25,929 --> 00:09:26,596
Sure.
210
00:09:26,664 --> 00:09:28,865
Oh, wow, really?!
All right, go for it!
211
00:09:28,933 --> 00:09:30,517
Come on. Let's go.
212
00:09:30,585 --> 00:09:31,918
Oh, oh, you,
you mean leave.
213
00:09:31,986 --> 00:09:33,620
No, yeah, sure.
No, let's go.
214
00:09:36,908 --> 00:09:39,242
Gosh, Meg, I sure had
a swell time with you.
215
00:09:39,310 --> 00:09:41,478
Me, too, Glenn.
God, it's so amazing
216
00:09:41,545 --> 00:09:43,580
that you've been my dad's friend
for, like, years,
217
00:09:43,648 --> 00:09:45,282
and now we have this connection.
218
00:09:45,349 --> 00:09:46,683
Hey, do you want
to come in
219
00:09:46,751 --> 00:09:48,151
for some Crystal Light
or something?
220
00:09:48,202 --> 00:09:50,770
Well, I do believe in me,
but it's getting kind of late.
221
00:09:50,838 --> 00:09:53,273
Um, I really want to
see you again, though.
222
00:09:53,341 --> 00:09:55,175
Oh, you know it.
223
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:04,501
Oh, God, Peter!
224
00:10:04,568 --> 00:10:05,802
Scared the
hell out of me!
225
00:10:05,870 --> 00:10:08,004
What're you doing here?
I think you know.
226
00:10:08,072 --> 00:10:09,606
Did you have sex
with my daughter?
227
00:10:09,674 --> 00:10:11,641
What? Come on, Peter.
228
00:10:11,709 --> 00:10:13,009
Did you have sex
with my daughter?!
229
00:10:13,077 --> 00:10:14,811
Peter, trust me,
it's not happening.
230
00:10:14,879 --> 00:10:16,313
All right. Good.
231
00:10:16,380 --> 00:10:18,114
Yeah, she's really making
me work for it.
232
00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:19,582
Maybe you could
talk to her.
233
00:10:19,650 --> 00:10:20,951
Well, I'll try,
234
00:10:21,018 --> 00:10:23,053
but sometimes she can be
as stubborn as a mule.
235
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,721
I tell you, you tell her
to do something once,
236
00:10:24,789 --> 00:10:26,289
she does the opposite.
237
00:10:26,357 --> 00:10:27,824
You know, it's like
she ain't even heard you
238
00:10:27,892 --> 00:10:29,092
in the first place.
239
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,460
It's like talking
to a brick wall.
240
00:10:30,528 --> 00:10:32,128
Worse than talking...
241
00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:34,014
Even a brick wall doesn't tell
you they understand you,
242
00:10:34,081 --> 00:10:35,415
and then go do the opposite,
you know?
243
00:10:35,483 --> 00:10:36,967
So it's no surprise to me
244
00:10:37,034 --> 00:10:38,251
that you're having
these difficulties.
245
00:10:38,319 --> 00:10:41,187
That-that just seems
to be the way she is.
246
00:10:41,255 --> 00:10:43,056
You know, whether it's just
that she's not listening
247
00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:45,575
or whether it's that she's
making a conscious decision
248
00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:48,645
to defy your wishes,
who can say, you know?
249
00:10:48,713 --> 00:10:50,313
And I would say,
in some respects,
250
00:10:50,381 --> 00:10:52,682
having a strong-willed kid
is a good thing,
251
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:54,718
but it can get frustrating
as hell on the other side.
252
00:10:54,785 --> 00:10:55,986
So, you know, lieve me,
253
00:10:56,053 --> 00:10:57,454
I hear loud and clear
where you're--
254
00:10:57,521 --> 00:10:59,756
Wait a second!
No, I won't talk to her!
255
00:10:59,824 --> 00:11:02,058
And I want you to stay the hell
away from her!
256
00:11:02,126 --> 00:11:04,127
Peter it's me-- Quagmire.
257
00:11:04,195 --> 00:11:05,729
This is what I do.
258
00:11:05,796 --> 00:11:08,398
Besides, Meg is 18 now
and you've gotta let go.
259
00:11:08,466 --> 00:11:10,433
You've done your job.
It's my turn now.
260
00:11:10,501 --> 00:11:12,635
Look, Quagmire, you're
one of my best pals,
261
00:11:12,703 --> 00:11:14,804
and I'm asking you
not to do this.
262
00:11:14,872 --> 00:11:16,740
I want to help you,
Peter, I really do,
263
00:11:16,807 --> 00:11:19,075
but it's-- it's like you're
asking a fish not to swim.
264
00:11:19,143 --> 00:11:20,460
She's legal and I'm going in.
265
00:11:20,528 --> 00:11:22,028
Well, we'll see about that.
266
00:11:22,096 --> 00:11:23,830
I ain't afraid
to stand up to friends.
267
00:11:23,898 --> 00:11:25,115
Just ask Spartacus.
268
00:11:25,182 --> 00:11:26,649
I'm Spartacus.
269
00:11:26,717 --> 00:11:28,201
I'm Spartacus.
270
00:11:28,269 --> 00:11:29,235
That guy's
Spartacus.
271
00:11:32,606 --> 00:11:36,409
- We now return to Two Lame
Chicks on Vacation in Mexico.
272
00:11:37,678 --> 00:11:40,330
Oh, my God, don't
drink the water.
273
00:11:40,398 --> 00:11:42,699
I'm so going to brush
my teeth with tequila.
274
00:11:42,767 --> 00:11:44,434
- Mexico!
- Mexico!
275
00:11:44,485 --> 00:11:46,269
Hey, is this beach topless?
276
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,688
No, but my
margarita's bottomless.
277
00:11:48,756 --> 00:11:50,356
- Mexico!
- Mexico!
278
00:11:50,424 --> 00:11:53,493
That cute guy's been
staring at you all night.
279
00:11:53,561 --> 00:11:57,030
Oh, my God. I'm going to go poo
now, so I don't have to later.
280
00:11:57,098 --> 00:11:58,865
- Mexico!
- Mexico!
281
00:11:58,933 --> 00:12:01,751
Hey, you want to see
my pictures from Mexico?
282
00:12:01,819 --> 00:12:06,356
Look, Janine, I just-- this is--
I can't with you anymore.
283
00:12:06,424 --> 00:12:08,825
It's all the time.
This is a job.
284
00:12:08,893 --> 00:12:10,527
Please take off
that silly hat.
285
00:12:12,730 --> 00:12:16,332
- Mexico!
- I... I can't talk right now.
286
00:12:19,153 --> 00:12:20,019
You okay?
287
00:12:20,104 --> 00:12:21,404
Yeah, babe.
288
00:12:21,472 --> 00:12:23,056
I got to pee,
but I don't want to move.
289
00:12:23,124 --> 00:12:24,657
I'm so comfortable right now.
290
00:12:24,742 --> 00:12:25,992
I can pause it.
291
00:12:26,077 --> 00:12:27,293
I guess you could
pause it...
292
00:12:27,361 --> 00:12:28,644
but you can't pause me!
293
00:12:28,696 --> 00:12:30,080
Fast forward.
Fast forward.
294
00:12:30,147 --> 00:12:31,531
- Fast forward.
- Glenn, stop.
295
00:12:31,615 --> 00:12:32,982
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe either.
296
00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:34,150
This is torture
for me, too.
297
00:12:34,201 --> 00:12:35,151
No fair. Stop.
298
00:12:35,202 --> 00:12:36,803
I'm going to...
299
00:12:36,871 --> 00:12:38,438
Sorry.
300
00:12:38,506 --> 00:12:40,540
Ah, that's all right.
It's just your body.
301
00:12:40,608 --> 00:12:42,208
Sometimes things slip out.
302
00:12:42,276 --> 00:12:43,743
Probably just making
room for something.
303
00:12:43,811 --> 00:12:45,345
Like what?
304
00:12:45,429 --> 00:12:47,781
Hey, gang, got room for one more
right in the middle of you two?
305
00:12:47,848 --> 00:12:49,783
Come on, scooch apart, there.
306
00:12:49,850 --> 00:12:51,718
Ooh, what's this?
Quagmire's cell phone?
307
00:12:51,802 --> 00:12:53,386
Well, now that you're with Meg,
308
00:12:53,471 --> 00:12:56,189
you don't need to be talking to,
uh, "Backbush" anymore.
309
00:12:56,273 --> 00:12:58,608
Oh, and I'll send a text to
"Possible Nipple Ring"
310
00:12:58,676 --> 00:13:00,143
saying you're off the market.
311
00:13:01,762 --> 00:13:04,030
You're "Possible Nipple Ring"?
312
00:13:04,115 --> 00:13:06,266
All right, well, I better
send a text to "Backbush."
313
00:13:07,535 --> 00:13:08,835
Oh, come on.
I'm "Backbush"?
314
00:13:08,903 --> 00:13:10,537
This can't be a
surprise to you, Peter.
315
00:13:10,604 --> 00:13:12,172
Yeah, I knew.
316
00:13:12,239 --> 00:13:14,491
I just didn't know you knew.
317
00:13:16,527 --> 00:13:18,128
Okay, what compound is this?
318
00:13:18,195 --> 00:13:19,529
That's sodium chloride.
319
00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:21,097
That's right.
How about this one?
320
00:13:21,165 --> 00:13:22,432
Hydrogen peroxide.
321
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,484
God, you're so smart.
How about this one?
322
00:13:24,552 --> 00:13:27,537
QM2? I'm not sure
what that is.
323
00:13:27,605 --> 00:13:29,105
It's Quag-megium.
324
00:13:29,173 --> 00:13:31,007
It's the strongest
compound on Earth.
325
00:13:31,075 --> 00:13:32,408
Nothing can separate it.
326
00:13:32,476 --> 00:13:34,711
It has an atomic weight
of awesome.
327
00:13:34,778 --> 00:13:36,679
You're such a
cutie patootie.
328
00:13:36,747 --> 00:13:39,649
If I'm a cutie patootie, then
you're a peenie-vageenie.
329
00:13:39,717 --> 00:13:40,767
Aww!
330
00:13:40,851 --> 00:13:43,219
I heard a cute "aw" in there.
Cool down!
331
00:13:48,008 --> 00:13:50,460
Meg, there's something
we need to talk about.
332
00:13:50,528 --> 00:13:52,963
Dad, I swear to God, I thought
you could flush those things.
333
00:13:53,030 --> 00:13:54,452
Meg, you ever heard
of Joan Van Ark?
334
00:13:54,777 --> 00:13:55,832
No.
335
00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:57,400
Here's a picture
of Joan Van Ark.
336
00:13:57,468 --> 00:13:59,235
Oh, my God, she's gorgeous.
337
00:13:59,303 --> 00:14:00,537
Gorgeous. Yes.
338
00:14:00,604 --> 00:14:02,305
Yes, Meg, gorgeous.
339
00:14:02,373 --> 00:14:04,073
Yes.
Every man wanted her.
340
00:14:04,141 --> 00:14:05,975
But one man got her.
341
00:14:06,043 --> 00:14:09,245
A man she trusted to keep her
safe and beautiful forever.
342
00:14:09,313 --> 00:14:10,813
That man was Glenn Quagmire.
343
00:14:10,881 --> 00:14:12,415
And two short months later,
344
00:14:12,483 --> 00:14:14,350
this is what happened
to Joan Van Ark.
345
00:14:14,418 --> 00:14:16,886
Oh! Oh, my God!
346
00:14:16,954 --> 00:14:18,755
I don't want this
to happen to you, Meg.
347
00:14:18,822 --> 00:14:20,957
I don't want you to turn
into a hilarious photograph.
348
00:14:21,025 --> 00:14:22,592
Dad, I know what
you're trying to do,
349
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:24,127
and I want you
to stop it.
350
00:14:24,195 --> 00:14:25,094
Mom!
351
00:14:25,162 --> 00:14:26,229
What is it, Meg?
352
00:14:26,297 --> 00:14:28,097
Mom, tell Dad
to leave me alone.
353
00:14:28,165 --> 00:14:30,366
I'm 18, and he keeps
treating me like a kid.
354
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:33,870
Peter, I told you not to push
her about this Quagmire thing.
355
00:14:33,938 --> 00:14:35,334
If you push too hard,
356
00:14:35,359 --> 00:14:36,959
you're going to push her
right into his arms.
357
00:14:37,041 --> 00:14:38,291
Well, what am I supposed to do?
358
00:14:38,359 --> 00:14:39,509
Nothing.
359
00:14:39,577 --> 00:14:41,077
This is a big game
Meg is playing,
360
00:14:41,145 --> 00:14:43,379
and the only way to win
is not to play it.
361
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,915
- Is that a WarGames reference?
- Might be.
362
00:14:45,983 --> 00:14:48,318
- You know WarGames?
- Yeah.
363
00:14:48,385 --> 00:14:49,886
Still finding out
new stuff about you.
364
00:14:49,954 --> 00:14:51,054
That's the adventure.
365
00:14:51,121 --> 00:14:52,255
There's a nerd in there.
366
00:14:52,323 --> 00:14:53,389
Maybe there is.
367
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:54,824
I might bang her later.
368
00:14:54,892 --> 00:14:56,259
How about a nice
game of chess?
369
00:14:56,327 --> 00:14:57,427
I prefer banging.
370
00:14:57,478 --> 00:14:59,429
Dad, have you seen my book bag?
371
00:14:59,496 --> 00:15:01,097
What, Chris?
372
00:15:05,302 --> 00:15:06,703
Oh, Peter, there you are.
373
00:15:06,770 --> 00:15:08,871
Would you go tell Meg
that lunch is on the table?
374
00:15:08,939 --> 00:15:10,640
- Oh, Meg's not here.
- What do you mean?
375
00:15:10,708 --> 00:15:12,408
She and Quagmire went up
to his cabin for the weekend.
376
00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:13,089
What?!
377
00:15:13,093 --> 00:15:14,761
Yeah, I drew you
a crude flip book
378
00:15:14,828 --> 00:15:16,095
to explain what's happening.
379
00:15:21,619 --> 00:15:23,253
Okay, I got
a little off track there,
380
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,787
but they went to his cabin.
381
00:15:24,838 --> 00:15:27,340
Peter, Quagmire has
a name for that cabin.
382
00:15:27,408 --> 00:15:29,008
He calls it his sex cabin.
383
00:15:29,076 --> 00:15:31,077
No, he doesn't.
He calls it "The Stuffet Inn."
384
00:15:31,145 --> 00:15:32,845
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you knew about this
385
00:15:32,913 --> 00:15:33,997
and you let her go.
386
00:15:34,064 --> 00:15:35,331
Hey, don't give me that crap.
387
00:15:35,399 --> 00:15:37,100
I'm doing exactly
what you told me to do.
388
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:39,052
You said don't mess with her
business, so I didn't.
389
00:15:39,119 --> 00:15:41,237
Peter, this is different.
390
00:15:41,305 --> 00:15:43,840
It's one thing to
rebelliously flaunt an older guy
391
00:15:43,907 --> 00:15:46,142
in front of your parents,
but it's a whole other thing
392
00:15:46,210 --> 00:15:48,645
to go away with him for the
weekend to his sex cabin.
393
00:15:48,712 --> 00:15:50,380
Oh, is that right?
394
00:15:50,447 --> 00:15:53,950
Oh, don't worry, Peter, he's
not going to sleep with her.
395
00:15:54,018 --> 00:15:56,252
That's you. Nerd.
396
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,455
Look, everyone knows if you go
away with a guy for the weekend
397
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,858
and don't have sex with him,
you're a huge bitch.
398
00:16:01,925 --> 00:16:03,326
We got to stop them.
399
00:16:03,394 --> 00:16:04,827
- So you admit you were wrong.
- Yes.
400
00:16:04,895 --> 00:16:06,863
- You admit you were stupid.
- Yes, yes.
401
00:16:06,930 --> 00:16:08,548
- You admit all women are stupid.
- No.
402
00:16:08,632 --> 00:16:11,620
All right, I'll take what I can get.
Come on. To the Peter-dactyl.
403
00:16:20,661 --> 00:16:23,596
Oh, no, now I got
to take care of the babies.
404
00:16:36,238 --> 00:16:38,157
Look, Peter,
his car's still there.
405
00:16:38,158 --> 00:16:39,692
Maybe they haven't left yet.
406
00:16:39,759 --> 00:16:42,100
Quagmire, let me in,
you son of a bitch.
407
00:16:42,129 --> 00:16:44,164
I'm sorry
I'm not home to receive you.
408
00:16:44,232 --> 00:16:46,333
The reason being that you have
sufficiently scared me away
409
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,034
from your wife or daughter.
410
00:16:48,102 --> 00:16:51,638
I plan to get help and use
better judgment in the future.
411
00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:53,173
Wait a minute, so Quagmire
412
00:16:53,241 --> 00:16:55,308
just changed all of a
sudden, just like that?
413
00:16:55,376 --> 00:16:56,709
You want me to read this or not?
414
00:16:56,777 --> 00:16:57,978
No, Grandpa, I don't.
415
00:16:58,045 --> 00:17:00,080
No kid wants to be read
anything any more.
416
00:17:00,147 --> 00:17:02,682
Computers exist.
It's just you won't leave.
417
00:17:03,050 --> 00:17:05,685
Okay, where were we?
Quagmire's front door.
418
00:17:05,753 --> 00:17:07,186
You think they're
hiding in there?
419
00:17:08,138 --> 00:17:09,506
Oh, no! Peter, look.
420
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,658
See you later, suckers.
421
00:17:14,312 --> 00:17:16,763
- Oh, good luck to them.
- Peter!
422
00:17:16,831 --> 00:17:18,081
Oh, right, right.
Let's go.
423
00:17:27,141 --> 00:17:29,259
We're never going
to get up there.
424
00:17:29,327 --> 00:17:31,177
I wonder what's causing
all this traffic.
425
00:17:31,245 --> 00:17:33,446
Oh, boy.
Yep, there's the problem.
426
00:17:33,514 --> 00:17:34,647
Not drawn yet.
427
00:17:37,851 --> 00:17:39,652
Come on, guys.
Really? Let's go.
428
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,454
What the hell's
going on up there?
429
00:17:44,358 --> 00:17:46,876
What...? Yep. Yep.
430
00:17:53,283 --> 00:17:54,183
So tell the truth.
431
00:17:54,251 --> 00:17:56,219
Have you brought
other women up here before?
432
00:17:56,287 --> 00:17:58,488
- Honestly? Two.
- Really?
433
00:17:58,556 --> 00:18:01,391
Yep, I brought the ashes
of my third grade teacher,
434
00:18:01,458 --> 00:18:03,026
Mrs. Nicholson, and spread
them across the lake,
435
00:18:03,093 --> 00:18:04,394
per her last request.
436
00:18:04,461 --> 00:18:05,461
Oh.
437
00:18:05,529 --> 00:18:06,930
The other was some skag
438
00:18:06,997 --> 00:18:08,260
I met on a dock
four miles from here.
439
00:18:08,285 --> 00:18:09,385
What?!
440
00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:11,951
Strike four, Jelly Jealouson.
441
00:18:12,019 --> 00:18:13,336
The other was my sister.
442
00:18:15,789 --> 00:18:17,957
It's so nice up here.
443
00:18:18,025 --> 00:18:19,692
I know.
I love the way the fire
444
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,011
makes the shadows dance around
behind us.
445
00:18:22,079 --> 00:18:24,180
One time, my friends
and I went camping,
446
00:18:24,248 --> 00:18:26,449
and nobody could
start a campfire,
447
00:18:26,517 --> 00:18:29,419
and then I tried to start
the campfire, and I could.
448
00:18:29,486 --> 00:18:30,954
That's insane.
449
00:18:31,021 --> 00:18:32,555
Wha-- what is going on
over here?
450
00:18:32,623 --> 00:18:34,557
Wha-- are we taking
our shirts off now?
451
00:18:34,625 --> 00:18:35,875
Okay, follow the leader.
452
00:18:37,895 --> 00:18:39,812
Come on, Peter, hurry!
453
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,047
Wait wait,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
454
00:18:42,650 --> 00:18:44,484
Listen to that.
It's a loon.
455
00:18:44,551 --> 00:18:46,019
That's beautiful.
456
00:18:46,086 --> 00:18:48,354
You know, we ought to get
a cabin up here.
457
00:18:48,422 --> 00:18:50,456
Peter, we're wasting time.
458
00:18:50,524 --> 00:18:53,192
Quagmire's in there about to
have sex with our daughter.
459
00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:54,477
That son of a bitch.
460
00:18:54,545 --> 00:18:57,847
Let's-- wait-- w-wait
a minute, do you hear that?
461
00:18:57,915 --> 00:18:59,248
I don't hear anything.
462
00:18:59,316 --> 00:19:01,351
I know.
Isn't it bliss?
463
00:19:01,418 --> 00:19:02,752
Peter, let's go!
464
00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:05,421
Mm. Thanks for
the ice cream, Glenn.
465
00:19:05,489 --> 00:19:06,856
And you're right, somehow
466
00:19:06,924 --> 00:19:08,324
it does taste better
in my underpants.
467
00:19:08,392 --> 00:19:10,093
Yeah, it's like being
at the beach, huh?
468
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,228
Now get over here while
the inside of your mouth
469
00:19:12,296 --> 00:19:13,796
is still freezing cold.
470
00:19:15,432 --> 00:19:17,800
There you are,
you son of a bitch!
471
00:19:19,770 --> 00:19:21,688
You get away from
my daughter, you pervert!
472
00:19:21,755 --> 00:19:23,089
Meg, get in the car,
we're going home.
473
00:19:23,157 --> 00:19:24,707
I'm not going home!
474
00:19:24,775 --> 00:19:27,259
I'm 18, and you can't tell
me what to do anymore.
475
00:19:27,311 --> 00:19:29,062
Meg, I'm only going
to say this once.
476
00:19:29,129 --> 00:19:31,230
You may be an adult,
but you're still my daughter,
477
00:19:31,298 --> 00:19:33,666
and it's my job to protect
you from errant wieners.
478
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:35,068
So, I don't care
how old you are,
479
00:19:35,135 --> 00:19:37,603
you're going to do what I say
and get in the damn car!
480
00:19:38,471 --> 00:19:39,839
Yes, Daddy.
481
00:19:43,977 --> 00:19:46,696
If you ever touch
my daughter again,
482
00:19:46,764 --> 00:19:49,258
I will cut your thing off
and feed it to Brian.
483
00:19:49,283 --> 00:19:50,183
Okay.
484
00:19:50,201 --> 00:19:52,835
And Peter and I get this cabin
for one weekend a month.
485
00:19:52,903 --> 00:19:54,638
- Do you understand me?
- Yes, ma'am.
486
00:19:54,705 --> 00:19:57,256
- Peter, I got us the cabin.
- Yay.
487
00:19:57,324 --> 00:19:59,258
I don't want to see your
face knocking on our door
488
00:19:59,326 --> 00:20:01,060
for at least a month.
489
00:20:01,128 --> 00:20:04,163
Would you sign the
guest book on your way out?
490
00:20:04,231 --> 00:20:06,916
Lois... Griffin.
491
00:20:06,984 --> 00:20:09,302
Peter... Griffin.
492
00:20:09,370 --> 00:20:12,238
We... heard... a loon.
493
00:20:15,676 --> 00:20:18,678
You know, Mom and Dad, I'm
really glad that you kept me
494
00:20:18,746 --> 00:20:20,346
from doing what
I was going to do.
495
00:20:20,414 --> 00:20:22,181
Well, that's what
parents are for, Meg.
496
00:20:22,249 --> 00:20:23,883
No matter what age you are.
497
00:20:23,951 --> 00:20:26,819
We love you and we just
never want to see you hurt.
498
00:20:26,887 --> 00:20:28,888
I only wish I'd seen
what was going on
499
00:20:28,956 --> 00:20:30,390
from the start,
like your father did.
500
00:20:30,457 --> 00:20:32,709
Well, I know the signs...
501
00:20:32,793 --> 00:20:34,827
because the same thing
happened to me.
502
00:20:34,878 --> 00:20:35,678
An older neighbor.
503
00:20:35,763 --> 00:20:37,830
Her name was Elaine.
504
00:20:37,881 --> 00:20:41,000
I was 18 and my body was firm
from push-ups and sit-ups.
505
00:20:41,051 --> 00:20:43,136
I was stunning.
506
00:20:43,203 --> 00:20:44,470
But while my body was mature,
507
00:20:44,538 --> 00:20:46,672
I had the mind of a 12-year-old.
508
00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:49,842
Elaine invited me over
with the promise of pie.
509
00:20:49,910 --> 00:20:51,577
Little did I know
this would lead
510
00:20:51,645 --> 00:20:54,647
to an eight-year-long
psychosexual entanglement.
511
00:20:54,715 --> 00:20:56,449
She's probably dead now.
512
00:20:56,517 --> 00:20:58,818
Life's funny sometimes.
513
00:20:58,886 --> 00:21:00,703
And... scene.
514
00:21:25,721 --> 00:21:30,721
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
515
00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:36,930
Sync for WEBDL: VeRdiKT
[Addic7ed.com]37543
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