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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,058 --> 00:00:08,360
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,412 --> 00:00:11,831
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,882 --> 00:00:14,801
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,826 --> 00:00:17,934
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,449 --> 00:00:21,601
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,669 --> 00:00:23,203
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,254 --> 00:00:24,605
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,689 --> 00:00:26,738
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,739 --> 00:00:30,239
♪ Family Guy 10x09 ♪
Grumpy Old Man
Original Air Date on December 11, 2011
11
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:33,764
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:35,433 --> 00:00:36,534
Good morning.
I'm Tom Tucker.
13
00:00:36,601 --> 00:00:38,869
Coming up, we talk
to a man on the street
14
00:00:38,937 --> 00:00:41,505
while a man further back
on the street flips you off.
15
00:00:41,573 --> 00:00:44,074
But first, Quahog was hit by
a major blizzard last night.
16
00:00:44,142 --> 00:00:45,709
Here with more details
on the snowstorm
17
00:00:45,777 --> 00:00:47,478
is Asian correspondent
Tricia Nakahoma.
18
00:00:47,546 --> 00:00:49,480
That's wrong.
That's wrong.
19
00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:51,448
You're not doing
good so far.
20
00:00:51,516 --> 00:00:54,852
I'm standing here surrounded
by snowdrifts, stalled cars,
21
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,820
and the one douchebag
who wears a tank top
22
00:00:56,888 --> 00:00:58,756
every time there's a blizzard.
23
00:00:58,823 --> 00:01:00,157
Yeah, this is nothin'.
24
00:01:00,225 --> 00:01:02,326
Guy at work drank a
quart of motor oil once
25
00:01:02,394 --> 00:01:03,761
and didn't even
die from it.
26
00:01:03,828 --> 00:01:05,579
Put that on the
news, but you won't.
27
00:01:08,683 --> 00:01:10,017
Hey, guys, check it out.
28
00:01:10,101 --> 00:01:11,902
I peed my name in the snow.
29
00:01:14,139 --> 00:01:15,756
- Geez, Joe.
- That's normal.
30
00:01:15,824 --> 00:01:17,858
Wow, looks like the whole
neighborhood's out here.
31
00:01:17,943 --> 00:01:19,360
Yeah, I just hope
that weird albino
32
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:20,794
up the street doesn't show up.
33
00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:22,096
That guy creeps me out.
34
00:01:22,163 --> 00:01:23,564
- Hello, Peter.
- Dah! Dah!
35
00:01:23,632 --> 00:01:25,382
H-Hey. Hey, Bill.
36
00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:27,468
What are you doing out
here in all this snow?
37
00:01:27,535 --> 00:01:29,336
Just taking my rabbit
to the vet.
38
00:01:31,623 --> 00:01:34,258
Well, I'm all done shoveling
your walk, Mr. Herbert.
39
00:01:34,326 --> 00:01:37,878
Thanks, Chris, but
there's some in here, too.
40
00:01:37,963 --> 00:01:40,197
Hey, check
it out-- lemon snow.
41
00:01:40,265 --> 00:01:41,882
- What?
- Yeah, that stuff's delicious.
42
00:01:41,950 --> 00:01:44,752
Lemon snow? You mean it just
falls from the sky like that?
43
00:01:44,819 --> 00:01:46,253
You bet. One of nature's treats.
44
00:01:46,321 --> 00:01:48,155
- You gonna have some?
- Nah, I'm already full.
45
00:01:48,223 --> 00:01:51,025
But you should have some before
the other kids get to it.
46
00:01:51,092 --> 00:01:52,393
What is it?
Like Italian ice?
47
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:54,261
Yeah, exactly,
like a sorbet.
48
00:01:55,797 --> 00:01:57,131
Ugh! That's not lemon!
49
00:01:57,198 --> 00:01:58,799
- No, it's not.
- You bastard!
50
00:01:58,867 --> 00:02:01,902
I was having fun playing in the
snow, and now you've ruined it,
51
00:02:01,970 --> 00:02:03,604
like a pizza place
ruins a salad.
52
00:02:03,672 --> 00:02:05,139
Okay, four pizzas
and a salad.
53
00:02:05,206 --> 00:02:06,790
Salad? How do
you make a salad?
54
00:02:06,858 --> 00:02:09,026
First, you throw in
the whole head of lettuce.
55
00:02:09,094 --> 00:02:10,878
Even the hard-to-eat
white part at the bottom?
56
00:02:10,945 --> 00:02:12,780
That's what the people want!
Now, what else?
57
00:02:12,847 --> 00:02:14,565
I got a can of
whole black olives.
58
00:02:14,633 --> 00:02:15,816
Should I slice them up?
59
00:02:15,884 --> 00:02:17,918
What are you, crazy?
No, you keep 'em whole.
60
00:02:18,003 --> 00:02:20,604
You're gonna want to know you've
got an olive in your mouth.
61
00:02:20,672 --> 00:02:22,406
What about this tomato?
Cut it into thirds.
62
00:02:22,474 --> 00:02:25,009
It should be big enough
to pretend you've got red teeth.
63
00:02:25,076 --> 00:02:27,011
How about this carrot?
Should I cut it up?
64
00:02:27,062 --> 00:02:28,395
Yes, but very thin lengthwise.
65
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:29,847
The whole length
of the carrot.
66
00:02:29,914 --> 00:02:32,099
One thin slice.
Okay, what else do we got?
67
00:02:32,183 --> 00:02:34,768
Well, we got these hot peppers,
but you can't really eat them.
68
00:02:34,836 --> 00:02:36,320
No problem. Dump 'em all in.
69
00:02:36,387 --> 00:02:38,105
Now, should we
put it in a bowl?
70
00:02:38,173 --> 00:02:39,940
No, let's put it
in a lasagna tray.
71
00:02:40,008 --> 00:02:41,342
Okay, great, I'll take it.
72
00:02:41,409 --> 00:02:43,711
Oh, and make sure to stick it
right on top of the pizzas
73
00:02:43,778 --> 00:02:45,446
so it stays nice and warm.
74
00:02:46,564 --> 00:02:47,965
Hello, every pizza place.
75
00:02:51,269 --> 00:02:53,504
All right, Stewie, you
all set to spend the day
76
00:02:53,571 --> 00:02:54,788
with Grandma and Grandpa?
77
00:02:54,856 --> 00:02:56,507
Ugh, I hate being around
old people.
78
00:02:56,574 --> 00:02:59,076
They've always got weird stuff
in their refrigerator.
79
00:02:59,127 --> 00:03:00,978
Ah, I'm hungry.
What do we got?
80
00:03:01,046 --> 00:03:03,947
Let's see. Eye drops,
baking soda and some film.
81
00:03:04,015 --> 00:03:05,482
Close the door.
82
00:03:05,550 --> 00:03:07,918
You're running up
long distance charges!
83
00:03:09,954 --> 00:03:11,739
Ah, sorry.
Thought I had more time.
84
00:03:11,806 --> 00:03:13,374
Hi, Daddy.
Stewie's all ready.
85
00:03:13,441 --> 00:03:14,742
You boys have fun.
86
00:03:14,809 --> 00:03:16,477
There's my little guy.
87
00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:19,146
♪ Well, Grandpa's here. ♪
88
00:03:19,214 --> 00:03:20,848
Oh, God, it's
the song again.
89
00:03:20,915 --> 00:03:22,199
♪ Yes, Grandpa's here! ♪
90
00:03:22,267 --> 00:03:24,084
It doesn't even
rhyme at all.
91
00:03:24,152 --> 00:03:27,554
♪ He's going to buy you a soda
and drive you around. ♪
92
00:03:27,622 --> 00:03:28,989
Let's go.
93
00:03:33,878 --> 00:03:37,164
Hey, just so you know, we're not
listening to a radio station.
94
00:03:37,248 --> 00:03:40,084
We're listening to the hiss
between two radio stations.
95
00:03:41,803 --> 00:03:43,670
Whoa. Watch your driving!
96
00:03:45,473 --> 00:03:47,457
Is he... Is he sleeping?
97
00:03:47,509 --> 00:03:49,760
Hey! Hey, wake up! Wake up!
98
00:03:49,811 --> 00:03:51,178
You, lady, wake him up!
99
00:03:51,262 --> 00:03:53,480
You like the Tom and Jerry,
do you, dear?
100
00:03:53,565 --> 00:03:55,799
Well, we'll dial them up
when we get home.
101
00:03:55,850 --> 00:03:58,018
What the hell are you talking
about?! We're about to...
102
00:04:01,239 --> 00:04:02,406
What happened?
103
00:04:02,474 --> 00:04:04,208
Where are my
knitting needles?
104
00:04:06,678 --> 00:04:09,146
Goodness, dear, I'm so sorry.
105
00:04:09,214 --> 00:04:11,314
No worries.
Now I can work at Hot Topic
106
00:04:11,366 --> 00:04:13,617
and make people sick
as I ring up their purchases.
107
00:04:21,726 --> 00:04:24,011
Oh, damn it.
108
00:04:24,095 --> 00:04:25,479
Dude, bad news.
109
00:04:25,547 --> 00:04:26,747
You're dead.
110
00:04:26,815 --> 00:04:28,565
What? But I'm Death!
111
00:04:28,633 --> 00:04:30,167
Sorry, dude.
Super Death.
112
00:04:30,235 --> 00:04:31,501
You're done.
113
00:04:31,553 --> 00:04:33,270
So what now?
I go to Heaven?
114
00:04:33,338 --> 00:04:35,572
Nope, when a Death dies,
he gets reincarnated.
115
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:39,643
You're being reincarnated as
a Chinese baby right... now!
116
00:04:42,180 --> 00:04:43,914
- Girl?
- Girl.
117
00:04:45,083 --> 00:04:46,583
Oh, no!
118
00:04:46,651 --> 00:04:49,119
The egg that I was supposed
to take care of
119
00:04:49,187 --> 00:04:50,687
for my high school project!
120
00:04:50,755 --> 00:04:52,189
Mr. Burke was right.
121
00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:54,291
I'm not ready to be a parent.
122
00:04:54,359 --> 00:04:55,542
Wait a minute.
123
00:04:55,610 --> 00:04:57,211
I'm not in high school anymore.
124
00:04:57,278 --> 00:04:59,580
Maybe this is all a dream.
125
00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:01,748
Aah! It was a dream!
126
00:05:01,816 --> 00:05:03,717
I need a glass of water.
127
00:05:03,802 --> 00:05:05,319
Wait a minute.
128
00:05:05,386 --> 00:05:07,588
I moved out of the desert
years ago.
129
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,490
Maybe this is a dream!
130
00:05:09,557 --> 00:05:11,325
Aah!
131
00:05:11,392 --> 00:05:12,893
Phew.
132
00:05:12,961 --> 00:05:15,429
I am ready
to be a parent, Mr. Burke.
133
00:05:19,434 --> 00:05:21,502
Daddy, I'm so happy
you're all right.
134
00:05:21,569 --> 00:05:23,370
We're lucky
it wasn't more serious.
135
00:05:23,438 --> 00:05:25,522
Hey, how's
the old guy doing?
136
00:05:25,573 --> 00:05:26,857
Ugh, now here's Joe.
137
00:05:26,925 --> 00:05:28,992
Why is everybody
we know depressing?
138
00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:31,762
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.
139
00:05:31,830 --> 00:05:33,831
I'm gonna have to revoke
your driver's license.
140
00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:35,232
What?!
141
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:37,534
It's obvious your advanced age
has impaired your ability
142
00:05:37,602 --> 00:05:39,069
to drive safely.
143
00:05:39,137 --> 00:05:41,071
Please, Joe, I know he had
an accident,
144
00:05:41,139 --> 00:05:42,739
but can't you look the
other way
145
00:05:42,807 --> 00:05:44,408
this one time
as a friend?
146
00:05:44,475 --> 00:05:46,443
Yeah, you know, Joe,
you owe this family.
147
00:05:46,511 --> 00:05:49,479
I didn't tell anyone about
your Fiona Apple tribute video.
148
00:05:49,547 --> 00:05:50,881
♪ ♪
149
00:05:50,932 --> 00:05:54,768
♪ I've been a bad, bad girl ♪
150
00:05:56,538 --> 00:06:01,692
♪ I've been careless
with a delicate man ♪
151
00:06:01,759 --> 00:06:05,428
♪ And it's a sad, sad world ♪
152
00:06:07,065 --> 00:06:10,817
♪ When a girl will break a boy,
just because she can. ♪
153
00:06:10,902 --> 00:06:12,119
I'm brok.
154
00:06:12,186 --> 00:06:14,004
Joe, open the garage.
155
00:06:14,072 --> 00:06:16,540
I've earned this private time!
156
00:06:16,608 --> 00:06:18,275
Listen, I don't
have time for this.
157
00:06:18,326 --> 00:06:20,527
I'm late for a hostile
takeover of a jelly factory.
158
00:06:20,595 --> 00:06:22,362
I'll show those Smuckers.
159
00:06:22,430 --> 00:06:24,665
That's fine,
but you can't drive.
160
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,099
Oh, don't be
ridiculous!
161
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:27,751
Driver Pete at
your service, sir.
162
00:06:27,819 --> 00:06:29,486
- Peter, we're not doing that.
- Aw.
163
00:06:29,554 --> 00:06:31,555
Carter, you work
too much as it is.
164
00:06:31,622 --> 00:06:33,373
You're not a young
man anymore.
165
00:06:33,441 --> 00:06:35,042
You need to slow down.
166
00:06:35,109 --> 00:06:36,777
Slow down?! I
can't slow down.
167
00:06:36,844 --> 00:06:38,445
I'm running a six-billion-
dollar company.
168
00:06:38,513 --> 00:06:40,731
If I slow down, the
company goes under.
169
00:06:40,798 --> 00:06:42,466
It just seems
to me that perhaps
170
00:06:42,533 --> 00:06:45,202
it's time to think
about retirement.
171
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:47,104
Never! Retirement's
for old people.
172
00:06:47,171 --> 00:06:48,739
I can work till I die.
173
00:06:48,806 --> 00:06:50,123
Maybe even after that.
174
00:06:50,191 --> 00:06:51,625
Mr. Pewterschmidt, the
gentlemen from Zurich
175
00:06:51,693 --> 00:06:53,493
are here for your 10:00.
176
00:06:56,030 --> 00:06:58,165
Will you need
anything else?
177
00:06:58,232 --> 00:07:00,250
Mr. Pewterschmidt!
178
00:07:00,318 --> 00:07:02,486
But, dear, we are old.
179
00:07:02,553 --> 00:07:05,005
We can't keep pretending
that nothing's changed.
180
00:07:05,073 --> 00:07:07,641
I mean, we almost injured
our grandchild today.
181
00:07:07,709 --> 00:07:09,476
Besides, you're always
complaining
182
00:07:09,544 --> 00:07:11,912
that you don't have
enough time to play polo
183
00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:14,681
or sit in a chair
and moisten your mouth.
184
00:07:14,749 --> 00:07:16,216
That is true.
185
00:07:16,284 --> 00:07:18,936
It does sometimes take me
a while to moisten my mouth.
186
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:27,811
There we go, all moist.
187
00:07:27,879 --> 00:07:29,246
You see, dear?
188
00:07:29,314 --> 00:07:30,580
And that's only
the beginning.
189
00:07:30,648 --> 00:07:32,866
Retirement will be
a wonderful adventure,
190
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:34,201
and we'll do it together.
191
00:07:34,268 --> 00:07:35,502
You're gonna retire?
192
00:07:35,570 --> 00:07:36,670
From what?
193
00:07:36,738 --> 00:07:38,472
There, isn't it fun already?
194
00:07:39,874 --> 00:07:42,509
Okay. I'll retire.
195
00:07:42,577 --> 00:07:45,145
Oh, Daddy, I think
that's for the best.
196
00:07:45,213 --> 00:07:47,581
I need a doctor!
Is there a doctor?!
197
00:07:54,326 --> 00:07:56,861
We now return to
The Superfriends' Accountant.
198
00:07:56,929 --> 00:07:58,630
Look, you guys
are hemorrhaging money.
199
00:07:58,697 --> 00:08:00,832
This Hall of Justice is sitting
on five acres
200
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:01,866
of commercial real estate.
201
00:08:01,934 --> 00:08:03,101
How do you afford this?
202
00:08:03,168 --> 00:08:04,402
We're the Superfriends.
203
00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:06,271
Yeah, but you guys
have no income.
204
00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:08,606
You owe four million dollars
in back property taxes.
205
00:08:08,674 --> 00:08:10,508
We fight evil
wherever we find it.
206
00:08:10,593 --> 00:08:12,093
Well, that's not
gonna be enough.
207
00:08:12,161 --> 00:08:13,795
Look, you may
need to reach out
208
00:08:13,862 --> 00:08:15,947
to some wealthy benefactors
for financial backing.
209
00:08:16,015 --> 00:08:17,882
Do any of you know
billionaire Bruce Wayne?
210
00:08:17,950 --> 00:08:19,384
No. None of us do.
211
00:08:19,451 --> 00:08:21,920
And he wouldn't want to lend
us money anyway... I hear.
212
00:08:21,987 --> 00:08:23,454
Hey, hey, hey!
213
00:08:23,522 --> 00:08:26,157
What's up, Ginas...
'g-'ginas... vaginas?
214
00:08:26,225 --> 00:08:27,058
What's up,
vaginas?!
215
00:08:27,126 --> 00:08:28,293
Ah-ha, gotcha!
216
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:29,978
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
what are you doing here?
217
00:08:30,045 --> 00:08:32,814
I'm retired now. Got
a lot of free time.
218
00:08:32,881 --> 00:08:34,532
So what do you guys
do here?
219
00:08:34,617 --> 00:08:37,035
Well, we usually just sit here
and complain about our lives.
220
00:08:37,102 --> 00:08:39,537
Like this morning, Lois was such
a pain in the ass...
221
00:08:39,605 --> 00:08:41,706
Hey! That's my daughter
you're talking about!
222
00:08:41,774 --> 00:08:44,575
Oh. I mean this, um,
redheaded lady
223
00:08:44,643 --> 00:08:48,179
who lives in my bed was a real
pain in the ass this morning.
224
00:08:48,247 --> 00:08:49,747
Oh, she sounds like a bitch.
225
00:08:49,815 --> 00:08:50,915
Yeah, what a bitch.
226
00:08:50,983 --> 00:08:52,116
Bitchazoid, right, guys?
227
00:08:52,184 --> 00:08:53,685
Yeah. I hope you're doing her.
228
00:08:53,752 --> 00:08:54,585
Oh, big time.
229
00:08:54,653 --> 00:08:56,120
Yeah, that's hot.
230
00:08:56,188 --> 00:08:57,789
That's hot. I'm gonna think
about that tonight.
231
00:08:57,856 --> 00:08:59,841
Oh, we do all kinds
of crazy stuff.
232
00:08:59,908 --> 00:09:01,643
Sometimes
we even have phone sax.
233
00:09:01,710 --> 00:09:02,977
Don't you mean
phone sex?
234
00:09:03,045 --> 00:09:04,545
No, Joe.
Phone sax.
235
00:09:04,613 --> 00:09:05,913
Are you ready?
236
00:09:05,981 --> 00:09:07,749
You better believe it.
237
00:09:07,816 --> 00:09:09,667
(playing "Baker Street")
238
00:09:15,741 --> 00:09:17,425
Oh, Peter!
239
00:09:17,493 --> 00:09:19,594
Yeah. Now your turn.
240
00:09:19,662 --> 00:09:21,396
And do it how I like.
241
00:09:21,463 --> 00:09:23,681
Okay.
242
00:09:23,749 --> 00:09:25,616
(playing intro to
"You Can Call Me Al")
243
00:09:30,906 --> 00:09:33,841
Yeah. Don't wash
the mouthpiece.
244
00:09:37,212 --> 00:09:38,713
Good news, guys.
245
00:09:38,781 --> 00:09:40,181
Now that Grandpa's retired,
246
00:09:40,249 --> 00:09:42,317
he's gonna have more time
to spend with us.
247
00:09:42,384 --> 00:09:43,351
Oh!
248
00:09:43,419 --> 00:09:44,919
We don't want to do that, Mom.
249
00:09:44,987 --> 00:09:47,005
Yeah, all he ever does is
ask you what you want to do
250
00:09:47,072 --> 00:09:49,240
so he can shoot it down and
tell you what he wants to do.
251
00:09:49,308 --> 00:09:50,408
Hey, there's
my family!
252
00:09:50,476 --> 00:09:52,643
So, what do you guys
want to do today?
253
00:09:52,711 --> 00:09:54,412
I'd like to go
to the mall, Grandpa.
254
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:55,646
No parking at the mall.
255
00:09:55,714 --> 00:09:57,115
It's a terrible place.
What else?
256
00:09:57,182 --> 00:09:58,216
Um, how about
the zoo?
257
00:09:58,283 --> 00:09:59,617
Too much walking.
Too much noise.
258
00:09:59,702 --> 00:10:01,019
You can't have
any good conversation.
259
00:10:01,086 --> 00:10:02,253
Not like at Chili's.
Where else?
260
00:10:02,321 --> 00:10:03,588
Well, there's always the beach.
261
00:10:03,655 --> 00:10:05,790
No, you got to sit
on the ground to eat.
262
00:10:05,858 --> 00:10:08,192
I need a cushioned chair with
back support like at Chili's.
263
00:10:08,260 --> 00:10:10,578
Okay, well...
how about Chili's?
264
00:10:10,646 --> 00:10:12,063
Maybe, maybe.
265
00:10:12,131 --> 00:10:13,631
Let's get in the car
and see where it takes us.
266
00:10:17,236 --> 00:10:18,603
Hey, Carter.
267
00:10:18,670 --> 00:10:19,937
Hello, Quandary.
268
00:10:20,005 --> 00:10:21,105
It's, uh...
It's Quagmire.
269
00:10:21,173 --> 00:10:22,473
You looking for Peter?
270
00:10:22,541 --> 00:10:23,908
No, he's at work. Lame.
271
00:10:23,976 --> 00:10:25,426
Oh. Well, what
do you want?
272
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,295
I hear you're kind of
a cool guy.
273
00:10:27,363 --> 00:10:28,780
Thought maybe
we could hang out.
274
00:10:28,847 --> 00:10:30,181
Uh... okay.
275
00:10:30,249 --> 00:10:32,016
Okay! Carter and Quandary,
hanging out.
276
00:10:32,084 --> 00:10:35,386
All right, I just got to go take
a misty, stop-and-go piss
277
00:10:35,454 --> 00:10:37,622
in your bathroom,
then we'll be good to go.
278
00:10:42,761 --> 00:10:44,743
Lois, how the hell much
longer is your dad gonna
279
00:10:44,768 --> 00:10:45,968
be hanging around here?
280
00:10:46,131 --> 00:10:48,349
- He's starting to drive me crazy.
- I know, Peter,
281
00:10:48,417 --> 00:10:50,835
but he's my father and I
don't know what else to do.
282
00:10:50,903 --> 00:10:52,937
Well, I don't know how
much more I can take.
283
00:10:53,005 --> 00:10:54,705
I can't even get
any sleep with him here.
284
00:10:56,642 --> 00:10:58,009
Hey.
285
00:10:58,077 --> 00:11:00,278
- Hey.
- Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha- What is it?
286
00:11:00,345 --> 00:11:02,580
I can't sleep.
I'm scared of ghosts.
287
00:11:02,648 --> 00:11:04,699
Carter, there's
no such thing as ghosts.
288
00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,134
Are you sure?
289
00:11:06,201 --> 00:11:08,469
Well, now I'm not.
Come on, get in here!
290
00:11:09,705 --> 00:11:10,872
It's safe under
here, right?
291
00:11:10,939 --> 00:11:12,607
I think so,
but I'm not sure.
292
00:11:12,674 --> 00:11:14,842
I just recently started
believing in ghosts.
293
00:11:17,746 --> 00:11:19,580
Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.
294
00:11:19,648 --> 00:11:22,116
Lois! What are
you two doing here?
295
00:11:22,184 --> 00:11:24,419
Well, we wanted to talk
to you about something.
296
00:11:24,486 --> 00:11:25,720
Hmm. What's that?
297
00:11:25,788 --> 00:11:27,188
Well, we were just thinking,
298
00:11:27,256 --> 00:11:30,191
now that Daddy's retired
that you and he might be happier
299
00:11:30,259 --> 00:11:33,161
in a place where you can be
with people your own age.
300
00:11:33,228 --> 00:11:35,396
You know, make some new friends.
301
00:11:35,464 --> 00:11:36,245
What are you talking about?
302
00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:38,299
Well, we actually
brought you a few brochures
303
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,601
of some lovely retirement
communities in Florida.
304
00:11:40,669 --> 00:11:42,203
And I helped.
305
00:11:42,271 --> 00:11:43,304
Florida?!
306
00:11:43,329 --> 00:11:45,440
Mm, this one's even
got the word "sunset"
307
00:11:45,441 --> 00:11:47,308
four times in
the name of it.
308
00:11:47,376 --> 00:11:49,877
Huh. These people are
biking without helmets.
309
00:11:49,945 --> 00:11:51,813
Must be a pretty
kick-back place.
310
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,564
These actually
look quite nice,
311
00:11:53,632 --> 00:11:56,934
and we could finally get away
from these dreadful winters.
312
00:11:57,002 --> 00:11:59,003
Yeah. We'll even help you
move in and get settled.
313
00:11:59,071 --> 00:12:01,355
Wait a minute, why would
I want to live in Florida?
314
00:12:01,406 --> 00:12:03,224
Black people's votes go
right in the garbage.
315
00:12:03,292 --> 00:12:04,675
All right!
We're moving to Florida!
316
00:12:04,743 --> 00:12:07,111
Oh, Carter,
this is wonderful!
317
00:12:07,179 --> 00:12:09,013
Aw, look at
that smile, Lois.
318
00:12:09,081 --> 00:12:10,880
Reminds of that guy
who was way too happy he
319
00:12:10,905 --> 00:12:12,568
didn't get killed on 9/11.
320
00:12:12,718 --> 00:12:15,119
I'm ten minutes
late for work!
321
00:12:15,187 --> 00:12:17,138
Look at that!
I stayed up late
322
00:12:17,206 --> 00:12:19,674
watching Monday Night Football
and that saved my life, huh?
323
00:12:19,741 --> 00:12:20,908
Isn't that awesome?
324
00:12:20,976 --> 00:12:23,110
Oh, but oh...
325
00:12:30,853 --> 00:12:32,186
Hi there. Welcome.
326
00:12:32,254 --> 00:12:34,238
I'm Ryan, the manager
here at Oceanside,
327
00:12:34,306 --> 00:12:36,073
and I'll be showing
you around today.
328
00:12:36,141 --> 00:12:37,475
First question, though:
329
00:12:37,543 --> 00:12:39,877
are you two old enough
to be here?
330
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:41,245
Oh, dear!
331
00:12:41,313 --> 00:12:42,947
I like you, Ryan.
332
00:12:43,015 --> 00:12:44,015
You're cool.
333
00:12:48,403 --> 00:12:51,122
Over there is our statue
of Angela Lansbury.
334
00:12:53,325 --> 00:12:56,027
Protect us, oh, Lansbury,
from rude teenagers,
335
00:12:56,094 --> 00:12:59,130
from soup that is both
too hot and too cold,
336
00:12:59,198 --> 00:13:02,433
and from anyone who calls,
but please have people call.
337
00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:06,871
Our state-of-the-art movie
theater is equipped
338
00:13:06,939 --> 00:13:09,807
with some terrific innovations
to cater to our residents,
339
00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:12,577
including a button on every seat
that will pause the film
340
00:13:12,644 --> 00:13:14,412
whenever anyone
has a question.
341
00:13:14,479 --> 00:13:15,980
Hey, guys.
342
00:13:16,048 --> 00:13:18,950
- Why is he blue now?
- Is it cold on that planet?
343
00:13:19,017 --> 00:13:20,484
Why are they mumbling?
344
00:13:20,552 --> 00:13:22,253
Why does everyone
in pictures today mumble?
345
00:13:22,321 --> 00:13:23,354
I can't hear!
346
00:13:23,422 --> 00:13:24,956
♪ ♪
347
00:13:25,023 --> 00:13:26,624
Is that Sig-nory Weaver?
348
00:13:26,692 --> 00:13:28,359
That's not how you say it.
349
00:13:28,427 --> 00:13:30,161
Well, she shouldn't be smoking.
350
00:13:30,229 --> 00:13:33,030
She's a handsome woman,
and that'll ruin her fast.
351
00:13:33,098 --> 00:13:34,365
♪ ♪
352
00:13:34,433 --> 00:13:37,168
Is Unobtainium
very easy to obtain?
353
00:13:37,236 --> 00:13:38,836
Well, I hope you
enjoyed the tour.
354
00:13:38,904 --> 00:13:40,304
Oh, yeah, it was great.
355
00:13:40,372 --> 00:13:42,873
Except for that lady who
kept yelling "Byaah! Byaah!"
356
00:13:42,941 --> 00:13:45,259
Well, we'll just need you
to fill out this paperwork,
357
00:13:45,327 --> 00:13:47,995
and then we'll get you
moved into your condo.
358
00:13:48,046 --> 00:13:49,931
Oh, isn't this
wonderful, dear!
359
00:13:49,998 --> 00:13:51,916
No! No, it's not
wonderful at all!
360
00:13:51,984 --> 00:13:54,018
There's no way in hell
I'm gonna live here!
361
00:13:54,086 --> 00:13:58,239
This place is nothing but old
people marching to their deaths!
362
00:13:58,307 --> 00:14:00,491
You hear me?
I'm not one of you!
363
00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:02,493
And I never will be!
364
00:14:05,213 --> 00:14:06,681
Hey, look, it's
old man Withers,
365
00:14:06,748 --> 00:14:08,532
the guy who owns
the amusement park!
366
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,851
But let's see who's
really under there.
367
00:14:12,254 --> 00:14:13,421
A skeleton!
368
00:14:13,488 --> 00:14:15,523
- Can I have my face back?
- No!
369
00:14:15,591 --> 00:14:16,958
You're going to jail!
370
00:14:24,602 --> 00:14:25,903
Oh, this is dreadful.
371
00:14:25,970 --> 00:14:28,672
I thought Carter and I were
going to be so happy here.
372
00:14:28,740 --> 00:14:31,108
I'll tell you what, Babs,
let me have a talk with him.
373
00:14:32,310 --> 00:14:33,610
Hey there, buddy.
374
00:14:33,678 --> 00:14:34,878
Go away!
375
00:14:34,946 --> 00:14:37,814
You know, you remind
me of a guy I know.
376
00:14:37,882 --> 00:14:40,651
This guy worked and worked
and never wanted to retire,
377
00:14:40,718 --> 00:14:43,420
even though it would've been
the best thing for him.
378
00:14:43,488 --> 00:14:45,422
You know what that
man's name was?
379
00:14:45,490 --> 00:14:47,324
Jon Benet Ramsey.
380
00:14:48,526 --> 00:14:49,893
I-I-I think.
381
00:14:49,961 --> 00:14:51,495
I think that's the guy.
382
00:14:51,562 --> 00:14:53,397
- What?
- You're darn right what.
383
00:14:53,464 --> 00:14:55,232
Now, let's get
back in there.
384
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,901
Peter, get lost! I'm not gonna
retire, and that's that!
385
00:14:57,969 --> 00:15:00,537
Come on, Carter, everybody's
got to retire at some point.
386
00:15:00,605 --> 00:15:02,572
Like that drill sergeant
with Alzheimer's.
387
00:15:03,741 --> 00:15:05,575
Looks like we got
a joker here.
388
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:06,910
What's your
name, soldier?
389
00:15:06,978 --> 00:15:08,378
Sir, McArdle, sir!
390
00:15:08,446 --> 00:15:09,646
Well, no!
391
00:15:09,714 --> 00:15:12,149
You look like some
kind of joker to me.
392
00:15:12,216 --> 00:15:13,250
What's your
name, soldier?
393
00:15:13,318 --> 00:15:14,718
Sir, McArdle, sir!
394
00:15:14,786 --> 00:15:16,620
Are you me?
395
00:15:16,688 --> 00:15:18,255
Probably some
kind of joker.
396
00:15:18,323 --> 00:15:19,623
What's your
name, soldier?
397
00:15:19,691 --> 00:15:20,991
Sir, McArdle, sir!
398
00:15:21,059 --> 00:15:22,793
Well, la-dee da!
399
00:15:22,860 --> 00:15:25,796
I guess we got some
kind of joker here!
400
00:15:25,863 --> 00:15:27,998
Look, Carter, I'll
make a deal with you.
401
00:15:28,066 --> 00:15:30,146
You give me just one day
to show you how great retired
402
00:15:30,171 --> 00:15:31,611
life can be for an old fella,
403
00:15:32,303 --> 00:15:34,338
and I'll let you honk
the horn one time.
404
00:15:34,405 --> 00:15:36,039
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
405
00:15:37,608 --> 00:15:39,376
I'm pretending
there's traffic.
406
00:15:39,444 --> 00:15:40,777
There you go, that's...
407
00:15:40,845 --> 00:15:43,347
- Once!
- God, I wasn't even gonna do it!
408
00:15:46,234 --> 00:15:47,701
So, how do you
win this game?
409
00:15:47,769 --> 00:15:49,936
Just fill this out when they
say the letter and the numbers?
410
00:15:50,004 --> 00:15:51,104
Eh, that's a sucker's bet.
411
00:15:51,172 --> 00:15:52,856
There's only one way
to win this game--
412
00:15:52,924 --> 00:15:54,958
wait for someone else to win
and steal his card.
413
00:15:55,026 --> 00:15:56,760
G-27.
414
00:15:56,828 --> 00:15:58,228
Bingo!
415
00:15:58,296 --> 00:16:00,630
- It's go time.
- What do we do, sneak up behind him?
416
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:02,516
No, he's got cataracts.
Follow my lead.
417
00:16:07,071 --> 00:16:08,605
Bingo, bitches!
418
00:16:10,091 --> 00:16:11,258
Bingo.
419
00:16:15,997 --> 00:16:17,497
All right, Carter,
now that you're retired,
420
00:16:17,582 --> 00:16:19,115
you're gonna need a
whole new wardrobe.
421
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:22,419
And what better place to start
than the Slightly Open Robery?
422
00:16:22,487 --> 00:16:24,204
♪ Hey, hobo man ♪
423
00:16:24,272 --> 00:16:28,108
♪ Hey, Dapper Dan,
you've both got your style ♪
424
00:16:28,176 --> 00:16:30,143
♪ But, brother,
you're never fully dressed ♪
425
00:16:30,211 --> 00:16:32,512
♪ Without a smile... ♪
426
00:16:33,715 --> 00:16:35,682
Yes. The penis one.
427
00:16:37,318 --> 00:16:39,019
All right, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
now, you know how
428
00:16:39,087 --> 00:16:40,320
in your building
your office temperature
429
00:16:40,388 --> 00:16:41,955
was controlled
by a central air system
430
00:16:42,023 --> 00:16:44,524
that you had nothing to do with?
Yeah, I hated that.
431
00:16:44,592 --> 00:16:47,060
Well, check it out-- this room
has its very own thermostat
432
00:16:47,128 --> 00:16:48,495
that you can fiddle with.
- Really?
433
00:16:48,563 --> 00:16:50,113
I can change the
temperature in here?
434
00:16:50,164 --> 00:16:52,082
You're retired-- you
can do anything you want.
435
00:16:52,150 --> 00:16:54,317
Well, I am kind of warm.
I'll try it out.
436
00:16:54,368 --> 00:16:56,136
Oh, that's perfect.
437
00:16:56,204 --> 00:16:58,789
Now I'm cold.
Crank up the thermostat.
438
00:16:58,856 --> 00:17:00,457
Ah, wonderful.
439
00:17:00,525 --> 00:17:02,092
Hotter than
blazes in here.
440
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,444
But wait-- I can
turn the heat down.
441
00:17:04,512 --> 00:17:05,712
He's learning.
442
00:17:07,515 --> 00:17:08,732
Bye, you guys.
443
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,500
We'll be down
to visit real soon.
444
00:17:10,568 --> 00:17:13,019
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm glad you
finally came around about this place.
445
00:17:13,087 --> 00:17:15,305
Peter, I got to admit,
it's not bad at all.
446
00:17:15,373 --> 00:17:17,174
Never thought I'd get
used to the idea
447
00:17:17,241 --> 00:17:19,943
of giving up work and just
devoting my life to leisure.
448
00:17:20,011 --> 00:17:22,696
I guess this is what people
mean by the word "relax."
449
00:17:22,764 --> 00:17:23,897
Take care, dear.
450
00:17:23,965 --> 00:17:25,866
We'll see you soon.
Yeah, have fun.
451
00:17:25,933 --> 00:17:28,401
Just remember not to go out
into actual Florida.
452
00:17:28,469 --> 00:17:30,337
You don't want
to meet those people.
453
00:17:31,739 --> 00:17:33,740
Hi. I just moved
into the neighborhood,
454
00:17:33,808 --> 00:17:37,244
and I'm required by law to inform
you that I am a sex offender.
455
00:17:37,311 --> 00:17:39,246
Oh, don't worry
about it-- so am I.
456
00:17:39,313 --> 00:17:40,881
This whole block
is S.O.'s.
457
00:17:40,948 --> 00:17:43,950
We use the abbreviation "S.O's"
because it saves a lot of time
458
00:17:44,018 --> 00:17:46,586
over saying "Sex Offender," because
that's all we talk about.
459
00:17:46,654 --> 00:17:48,655
Well, I'm also into football.
Don't care.
460
00:17:48,723 --> 00:17:51,291
No time for F.B.
All about S.O.
461
00:17:51,359 --> 00:17:54,361
Make no mistake, Florida
is the South's trash can.
462
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,801
Boy, these eggs
are delicious.
463
00:18:00,868 --> 00:18:02,135
Good job, Lois.
464
00:18:02,203 --> 00:18:03,854
Good job, local hen.
465
00:18:03,921 --> 00:18:05,722
Aw, bucka bucka baw.
466
00:18:07,725 --> 00:18:09,259
Hello?
467
00:18:09,327 --> 00:18:10,694
Hi, Mom.
468
00:18:10,761 --> 00:18:11,862
What?
469
00:18:11,929 --> 00:18:13,530
Oh, my God!
470
00:18:13,598 --> 00:18:16,700
Oh, my God, o-okay, we'll be
down there as soon as we can.
471
00:18:16,767 --> 00:18:17,951
Mom, what's wrong?
472
00:18:18,019 --> 00:18:19,386
We're going
to Florida.
473
00:18:19,453 --> 00:18:20,754
Why? What happened?
474
00:18:20,822 --> 00:18:22,956
There's something horribly wrong
with your grandpa.
475
00:18:28,913 --> 00:18:30,230
Oh, Lois!
476
00:18:30,298 --> 00:18:32,199
I'm so glad
you made it.
477
00:18:32,266 --> 00:18:34,367
He's been like this for days.
478
00:18:34,435 --> 00:18:36,069
Oh, my God!
479
00:18:37,338 --> 00:18:38,772
...cream of wheat.
480
00:18:40,107 --> 00:18:41,141
...Jeopardy.
481
00:18:42,777 --> 00:18:44,311
...butterscotch pudding.
482
00:18:44,378 --> 00:18:45,312
This is awful!
483
00:18:45,379 --> 00:18:46,780
What's happened to him?
484
00:18:46,848 --> 00:18:48,515
I don't know, dear.
485
00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:51,751
He sleeps 18 hours a day,
he refuses to bathe,
486
00:18:51,819 --> 00:18:53,854
and he's stopped
making any sense.
487
00:18:53,921 --> 00:18:55,617
Aw, that sounds like
the sad little fat girl
488
00:18:55,642 --> 00:18:57,242
who lives in all of us
489
00:18:57,325 --> 00:18:58,625
and is struggling
to get out.
490
00:19:00,461 --> 00:19:02,162
Did my parents
call yet?
491
00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:04,097
Nobody's looking for you!
Now, stay in there!
492
00:19:04,165 --> 00:19:06,266
Sometimes she tries
to get out the other way.
493
00:19:06,334 --> 00:19:08,368
That's why I keep
a cork in my bum.
494
00:19:08,436 --> 00:19:09,870
Daddy?
495
00:19:09,937 --> 00:19:11,972
Daddy, can you hear me?
496
00:19:12,039 --> 00:19:14,374
Oh, God, we should never
have brought him here.
497
00:19:14,442 --> 00:19:15,575
You're right, dear.
498
00:19:15,643 --> 00:19:18,044
I can't stand
to see him like this.
499
00:19:18,112 --> 00:19:19,579
Well, we got
to do something.
500
00:19:19,647 --> 00:19:22,349
Don't worry, you guys, I think
I might know how to fix this.
501
00:19:22,416 --> 00:19:25,452
But first look-- I turned
him into Groucho Marx.
502
00:19:25,519 --> 00:19:27,787
That's hilarious.
503
00:19:31,125 --> 00:19:33,476
Peter, what is this
supposed to accomplish?
504
00:19:33,527 --> 00:19:35,679
Don't you see, Lois?
When we forced him to retire,
505
00:19:35,746 --> 00:19:37,581
we took all the challenge
out of his life.
506
00:19:37,648 --> 00:19:40,250
Perhaps some people aren't
meant to retire at all.
507
00:19:40,318 --> 00:19:43,536
Exactly! Now, let's see if we
can put some fire back into him.
508
00:19:43,621 --> 00:19:46,623
Margot, it's time to take this
company in a new direction--
509
00:19:46,691 --> 00:19:49,476
starting with being honest with
the IRS about our profits.
510
00:19:51,696 --> 00:19:54,130
We're also gonna stop
reading employee e-mails.
511
00:19:54,198 --> 00:19:56,566
...our servers.
512
00:19:56,634 --> 00:19:58,401
And from now on it's
against the rules
513
00:19:58,469 --> 00:20:00,587
to pat female employees
on the fanny.
514
00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:03,440
...like touching butts!
515
00:20:03,507 --> 00:20:05,508
And tell the African-American
elevator attendant
516
00:20:05,576 --> 00:20:07,377
he no longer has to
wear white gloves.
517
00:20:07,445 --> 00:20:10,530
Why don't you just tell him
he can sleep with my wife, too?!
518
00:20:10,615 --> 00:20:11,615
Daddy!
519
00:20:11,682 --> 00:20:13,066
Oh, Carter!
You're back!
520
00:20:13,134 --> 00:20:14,851
You're damn
right I am!
521
00:20:14,919 --> 00:20:16,664
Don't you ever try to
stick me in one of those
522
00:20:16,689 --> 00:20:18,301
retirement places again!
523
00:20:18,889 --> 00:20:22,225
I plan on sitting behind this desk
until the day I die.
524
00:20:22,293 --> 00:20:24,261
Getting old is right
for some people,
525
00:20:24,328 --> 00:20:26,596
but not for me.
- I know, Daddy.
526
00:20:26,664 --> 00:20:28,715
You were right,
and we're sorry.
527
00:20:30,785 --> 00:20:32,218
Hey, Mom.
528
00:20:32,286 --> 00:20:34,654
No, Mom, you're staying
in the nursing home.
529
00:20:34,722 --> 00:20:36,723
I... I don't care.
530
00:20:36,791 --> 00:20:38,325
I-I don't care.
531
00:20:38,392 --> 00:20:41,061
M-Mom, believe me, no one
is touching you in your sleep.
532
00:20:41,128 --> 00:20:42,562
'Cause you're gross.
533
00:20:42,630 --> 00:20:44,347
And even if they are, so what,
who are you saving yourself for?
534
00:20:45,942 --> 00:20:48,657
Hey, look, I-I got to go.
I don't know if we're coming
535
00:20:48,658 --> 00:20:51,142
to Thanksgiving.
Because I don't know!
536
00:20:51,855 --> 00:20:54,056
- She's staying in there.
- I know.
537
00:20:54,107 --> 00:20:58,107
== sync, corrected by elderman ==39810
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