All language subtitles for 1 Ernng eng

Come on, man, come on!

Give me the bag and grab hold!

We made it, mate.

Who said, we, mate?

Ah!

Thompson!

Thompson!

Ernest!

Yes, sir, I'm coming.

Can't you just lift the steering wheel up?

It's at the wrong angle.

You said you could fix it.

Yes, ma'am.

See, this link's got to move.

See, your camrack is
connected to your bandtrap.

And that makes likes the
pressure in your gallywasher.

Of course, women seldom
understand stuff like this.

What was that?

What was that?

Did you break something?

I paid a lot of money for this car.

You better not have broken anything.

Oh, no, ma'am.

These cars got a lot of
stuff you don't even need.

I knew it!

You broke something.

You broke my new car!

I want to see the owner
of this gas station.

Yeah, this oughta do it.

Well, at least I got rid
of that excess pressure.

Whoah!

Oh!

Oh!

Hmm?

Excuse me, sir.

Your man out there, I brought
my red Mustang in for him

to lift the steering wheel.

He's breaking pieces off of it.

Ahh!

Are you gonna come out
there and sort it out?

- Of course.
- Great.

I... I...

That was a close one.

Ernest, what's going on out here?

Ugh, not only is he
trying to... to ruin my car,

he's also trying to a steal my pocketbook!

Look, there's my purse in his toolbox!

Ernest, get down from there right now.

Let go of that.

Ahh!

Ahh!

My car!

My beautiful, beautiful car.

No, no, no, just calm
down, lady, calm down.

He'll pay for this, you'll see.

Ernest, you get out of
this car this instant.

Yes, sir.

Ernest, you're fired.

Here you are, gentlemen.

Here are your eggs.

Can I get you some more coffee?

Hey, what gives here?

I ordered over-easy and runny.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I just got confused.

Well, get unconfused, how about it?

All righty.

Be right back.

Excuse me.

What's bugging you, Rene?

It's not like you to make a mistake,

much less take a load of
crap off a creep like him.

Well, I guess it's my dull miserable life.

Well, it's no need to sugarcoat it.

I tell you Betty, if my Mr.

Right came into my life right
now, all this would change.

He'd be brave and daring, and he'd

take me on some dangerous mission laced

with international intrigue.

And I'd get all caught
up in an adventure that

would perpetually pump up the adrenaline

and peel back the eyelids with fright.

Wouldn't that be neat?

You... you've been reading
too many romance novels.

And then he'd save me from the clutches

of some horrible death, and we
ride off into the sunset arm

in arm, just he and I. Oh, oh!

Send shivers down my spine!

Speaking of shivers, look who's here?

Hey girls! How you doing?

It's me! I'm here!

Doesn't that guy ever give up?

Ah, give him a break.

He's got such a crush on you.

Super.

It's all I need, some nerd like Ernest.

Just another small town guy
stuck in the same rut I'm in.

Hey, look.

Check it out!

I call it the apricot smash.

Well, how about you, ladies?

Want a breath mint?

Ernest aren't you supposed to
be at work at the gas station?

Nah, I quit that crummy job.

I told Mr. Ellis that
my talents were being

wasted pumping self-serve...

That I had aspired to
loftier visions of career.

You got fired.

Well, we had a pleasant parting.

But now I'm free to
pursue my real ambitions.

Which is what?

Ernest, I got a customer.

I gotta go.

She's got you by the
short hair, don't she?

Yeah, well, maybe.

But I haven't turned
on the old Worrel charm

yet, know what I mean?

Unfortunately, I do.

Let me give you a little advice.

See, Rene is really down right now.

Short of Illinois Smith, I
think a little gift might help.

But what about the old Worrel charm?

Maybe two little gifts?

Yeah, two gifts.

Hey, don't touch.

Get out.

MAN Don't come near my stall.

- What's that?
- Hey!

Ow!

Hmm?

Oh!

Huh?

Can I help you, sir?

Oh, yeah.

I was just, uh, looking
for something for my girl.

You like that item, sir?

Yeah, I'm, uh, kind of stuck on it.

Most people are.

It's a very popular item.

That would be $40.

$40?

For this little birdhouse?

You don't like it, you can put it back.

No, I'm taking it all right.

In fact, I'm...

I'm kind of attached to it.

$40?

$40.

There you go.

[MUSIC PLAYING

Oh!

Watch out!

Oh!

What are you doing?

Hey, watch it!

There's a mad man.

Hey, don't you mess with me, boy!

Excuse me!

Whoah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

What you want, I do not take!

- Okay, where are they?
- Where are what?

I know nothing.

Ah!

Give us the eyes of Egoli or we'll

pick through your body to find
them with a pair of pliers.

Ooh, what the eyes of Egoli?

I know nothing about this.

Ah!

Ah!

Abdul Kazim has instructed us
to bring him the eyes of Egoli

or the eyes of the thief.

Maybe Abdul Kazim should
pluck his own eyes out,

since he stole the eyes
of Egoli to start with.

Oh, don't mind us, please continue.

I find this sport rather amusing.

Thank you, Bazoo.

Really balletic.

Oh, thank you, thank you, sir.

You have saved my unworthy skin.

I never dreamed I would be rescued.

You are so right.

I'm the man of your dreams.

Ooh, this is some really neat stuff.

Yeah.

I can work with these.

We have taken over your planet.

You looking for the man in the funny hat?

He went that way officer.

Uh oh.

Hey, you, stop!

Uh oh.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Rabaz, I didn't

realize that you weren't fond
of our caped necked friend.

What?

Are you a crazy man?

Oh no.

Just an animal lover, tree hugger,

you know, conservationist.

I believe that things
should be natural and left

the way that they were.

What are you talking about?

A limo's not a natural
habitat for a cobra!

Correct, Mr. Rabaz.

But weasels and other disgusting rodents

are fine fair for this slick young beauty.

What is it you want?

I tell you anything you want to know.

Are you working for Abdul Kazim?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

No longer.

My friend is impatient.

You... Kazim is bound to kill me.

Where have you hidden the
eyes of Egoli, Mr Rabaz?

I know you, Thompson.

You are the one who
stole the eyes of Egoli

from the Sinkatutu tribe.

You are the one who betrayed the people.

Kazim had you steal the
eyes from me, and then

you double-crossed Kazim.

So the trail ends with you.

And I feel very sorry for you.

Because you will shortly be
feeling the poison of this

cobra trickling through your veins.

No, wait, please.

It is in the flea market
in a second hand toy stall

in a can marked, two for $1.00.

Oh, please, let me go.

Thank you, Mr. Rabaz.

I'll be right back.

I need the catch stick.

I, too, am not very fond
of handling these things.

Ahh!

Come on, Bazoo, let's go shopping.

That's it.

Oh!

Ah!

Oh.

Ow!

Ta-da!

Yeah, she's gonna love this.

Oh, yeah.

Ah!

You give me the eyes
of Egoli, or Bazoo, here,

will cram his foot down the entire length

of yourself esophagus.

Shoot!

I don't know what you're talking about.

Looks like the old man's just a decoy.

The real agent's this guy.

Hey Jake, you want to see something cool?

It's my inside loop-d-loop.

A hush falls over
the crowd as the world champion

yo-yo expert enters the
competition arena really.

Rock the cradle.

The crowd goes wild!

Yay!

And now our champion will demonstrate

his world of famous
triple around the world.

One, two, three...

Oh!

Jake!

Jake!

Jake... Jake, I'm sorry,
Jake, it was an accident!

Here, I'll get you some water.

Water.

Yeah, water.

Jake... Jake, I can't see.

Are you in there?

It's too dark.

Here, I'll cut on the light.

Speak to me, Jake.

Speak to me.

Maybe this is quiet time.

Sir Thompson believes
this guy to be agent 32.

Yes, he's a dangerous man.

And is Thompson sure
he's got the eyes of Egoli?

Nkulu is never wrong.

Here he comes.

Hey, Ernest!

Hi, Betty.

I brought that gift.

Rene!

Oh, Rene.

Hold the onions on that burger, Joe.

Yes, Ernest?

I... I made something for you.

See, I've always kind of
thought you were really...

For me?

Yeah.

It's the handoff.

She must be his contact.

Ernest, this is so sweet of you.

I'm sorry I was kind of
fussy with you before.

Well, opened it up.

A yo-yo.

Yeah.

I made it myself.

I'm pretty good with my hands.

Unique.

Rene, I... I was kind of wondering,

maybe, if you and I...

Maybe one afternoon...

Ernest, I really
appreciate this gift and all,

but I just don't think
you and I could ever be.

I need someone who can add thrills

and adventure to my life.

I don't mean to be cruel, Ernest,

but you're just a small
town ordinary schmo.

Just like me.

We're both just ordinary schmoes.

I don't have to be a small
town ordinary schmo or...

I could change.

I'll always treasure your gift, always.

In fact, I have a whole shelf
of schmo knickknacks at home.

Yeah, me too.

Oh,

I should schmo...

Go.

Gee, I'm sorry, Ernest.

I... I mean I thought she...

You know...

No, she's right.

I am just a small town ordinary schmo.

I don't have an adventurous
bone in my whole body.

When we were kids and
went trick or treating,

I never went more than two houses away.

I guess I'm just doomed to a
life of ordinary-ness-ness.

Oh, chosen one.

May ashes be heaped on my unworthy head.

The news from America is without pleasure.

Are you goons hard of hearing, or what?

Ernest, or agent 32 as
you like to call him,

never gave me any eo-
golly eyes, or whatever.

All I've got is that dumb old yo-yo,

and if you and pool-ball over there had

half a brain in your heads...

Bazoo.

Bazoo?

Didn't you hear him, hon?

I think he said it twice for emphasis.

It's come to our attention, Miss Loomis,

that you are an agent for Kazim.

Right, me, Rene Loomis, a secret agent.

Your Cheerios must be soggy, pal.

Uh oh.

Oh!

Where are the eyes of Egoli?

Ernest is the one with your eyes.

I don't know anything about them.

And you can pull my arms
out of their sockets.

It's not gonna get you Ernest.

Okay, Miss Loomis.

We'll do just that.

Oh!

You really need to
brush your teeth, fella.

Hello?

Mr. Worrel.

I've someone who wants to chat to you.

How did Aunt Ruthie get my new number?

The doctors aren't supposed
to let her use the phone.

Yeah?
- Earnest?

Rene.

Rene?

Guess what?

These men have me hanging from a forklift,

and they're going to torture me all

because you have their
silly old eyes or something.

Now give them back their
eyes this minute, Ernest.

I'm tired, I haven't had a
bath, and it's all your fault.

Oh, sure, Rene.

You stay right there and I'll
bring their eyes right to them.

Is your refrigerator running?

Agent 32, this is a fair warning.

If we don't see you walk
through the door of hangar six

on Jenson street in 20
minutes, your friend

here will be two feet taller.

Two feet taller?

Oh, she'll never be able to
wear that blue dress again.

I'm sure he'll be right over.

You know he probably got
your googly eyes by mistake.

He tends to make mistakes.

Now can I go?

Not so fast, my dear.

If and when agent 32 brings
us the eyes of Egoli,

we'll need to dispose of both
you and your boyfriend anyway.

He is not my boyfriend.

Ugh, gross!

Hangar six, hangar six.

Rene's been kidnapped.

Eyes of Egoli, eyes of Egoli.

Wait a minute.

If I've got this guy Egoli's eyes,

how did he dial the phone?

Yoo-hoo!

Rene!

Anybody home?

Hello?

Rene?

Hello, anybody home?

Agent 32, a.k.a.

Ernest.

Ernest P. W.

Put the eyes of Egoli on
the tray to the left of you

and roll it towards me.

Your other left.

Oh, yeah.

I knew that.

Oh, knock it off and just give it

back their goo-goo eye thing.

Rene, are you all right?

Mr.

No, Ernest, I am not all right.

Now give them back their stuff.

I don't have their stuff.

Bazoo, search him.

Hey, watch it.

I don't know what you're
trying to pull Agent 32.

You saunter in here without the eyes.

You know I'm going to
have to kill both of you.

Both of us?

On the other hand, maybe you're

the perfect pawn to play
against Kazim and Epopo.

Here's your yo-yo.

You will have plenty of time to
learn a few tricks on the way

to where you're going.

Ugh, well, finally.

I am out of here.

Thank you very much.

That is very hard on the wrists.

I'm sure your comrades
will be happy to see

you when you arrive in Africa.
- Africa?

Africa.

Wait, I can't go to Africa.

I haven't had my shots.

The mosquitoes there are big enough

to stand flat footed and...

Easy, ow!

Come here, my girl.

I hope you're going
to re-run that movie...

I said I hope you're
going to re-run that movie.

You know that part where the scorpion

crawls up that guy's spine?

And the old lady's face rotted after she

killed the girl in the shower?

Hey, was her name Rosebud?

You know, in these overseas flights

they let you keep the barf bag and it...

Take him to the power
station and make him talk.

Yes, sire.

Uh, look can we just go to
a hotel, have a bath or so...

Sit down and shut up.

All right, all right.

Want to make him shut up.

Ah!

Well, at least I'm out
of that stuffy truck.

Where am I?

Ugh.

Just get this back off.

I smell water.

Water!

I'm near water somewhere, I'm near water.

I'm stuck.

Oh, my head!

Ow.

Whoa!

Ah!

I do so hate being a rude host,

but I need to attend to more
pressing business upstairs.

And since you and Bazoo have
become such warm friends,

I'm sure that he'll attend to your

every desire while I'm away.

Ugh.

You certainly won't be bored.

Mr. Thompson.

The woman I saw you with,
she has beautiful eyes.

So she does, especially
when she flashes them.

I should hear more about
this remarkable woman.

If you come any closer to me, Bazoo,

I swear to you, I will toss my
cookies all over your bright

and shiny boots.

And believe me, they will
be sticky up for weeks.

When my boyfriend, Ernest...

When my friend, Ernest, gets here,

he's gonna kick butt and take names.

You better keep your distance.

Yeah right, Rene.

My employer is a very demanding man.

He once bought a bird
from a street vendor,

and when the bird wouldn't sing,
he cut out the vendor's tongue

and fed it to the bird.

A bit excessive, I thought, but...

We all have our own
particular management style.

My employer is getting a bit nervous.

The eyes of Egoli have evaded your grasp,

yet you still have our
million dollar advance.

Lunch money.

It would be advisable if I were

able to report some progress.

You can report that I have my
own little bird that will sing.

So Bazoo, can I call you Baz?

I bet you were a football
player in school.

Linebacker?

I was a cheerleader.

Well, no, that's not true actually.

I was a substitute, you
know, a bench warmer.

I couldn't cartwheel.

They are the toughest, and they
were such sticklers for them.

Have you ever tried one? Wanna try one?

No?

I could try one.

There is no need to cause
undue friction between us.

We are, how you say, um, on the same team?

Same team?

Then let's play big league ball.

It's time to renegotiate my contract.

Ooh.

Kazim's boy has caught that little street

thief that you sent to
pluck the eyes from my safe.

Now that little snake
is with his own kind.

Is that any way to treat a partner?

You certainly know how to treat a partner.

I remember only you
returning from Sinkatutuland.

Some partners just can't keep up.

He missed his flight.

When do we get the eyes of Egoli?

When I receive $6 million
in my account in the Caymans.

That is double what we agreed on.

In big league ball that's what it's

like dealing with a free agent.

Welcome to the club, sir.

Thank you, John.

Hey, you, stop.

Stop there.

You!

Who are you?

I...

I am Omar Hey You Abdu Abdul Billy-bazi,

but you can call me Hey You.

Hey You?

At your service.

I work here day and night.

In the day I spray the walkways.

I use thousands of liters of
water just to a move one leave.

It is wonderful.

Thousands die every day
in the Sudan of thirst,

but here there is such plenty.

I've never seen you.

I give much service.

I carry all the bags for the big shots.

I know all the big shots.

Hey You!

You see, I am on first
name basis with big shots.

I am coming, sahib.

I come to give you good service.

I will help you with these bags.

It is not a problem.

Ho ho!

This is a wonderful game.

How many times do you have to
put the sticks back in the bag?

Is this a good score?

Rene!

Rene!

Want a cheer?

OK.

Fred and Wilma, Pebbles,

too, think that Bazoo's yabba dabba doo.

La de da...

Bazoo is the best.

La de da... the best of all the rest.

La de da... Bazoo is the best.

La de da, La de da, La de da da da.

Cartwheel!

Splits!

You look like you need a drink.

Hey you!

At your service, sahib.

Service is my middle name.

Well, actually, my middle name is Karala.

Come over here.

Oh, what is your desire, oh great one?

I'd like a scotch and water.

Will that be with ice, oh anointed one,

- who's spittle is sacred balm?
- Yes, with ice.

Cubed or shaved, oh majestic
one, whose flip-flop is

the serving spoon of the poor.

Cubed.

As I was saying, Jameen...

In a tall or short glass, oh, special one?

One whose flatulence is
the perfume of the night?

Tall.

Good, grief what's wrong with you?

Oh, nothing oh splendid one, whose earwax

is the high price spread?

Get your hands off me, you filthy urchin!

Thank you, chosen one whose urinal

is the soup bowl of the poor.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, yes.

Get out.

That is one scotch in
a tall glass with cubes.

Do you want fries with that?

No!

Yes, going.

I go, I go, explicit
one, whose toe jamb is

the toothpaste of the unworthy.

It will be as you wish,
oh supreme on, whose

sweat is the nectar of the bee.

Adjusting that maybe to cut the, sort of,

mustiness in here, we could
have some kind of air freshener,

like a pine or...

Uh, you know, like a...

baby powder.

All right.

Judging by your scowl I guess not.

How about a potpourri?

That diamond mine, Harold says,

we'll be wealthy beyond
our wildest dreams.

Unfortunately, he didn't
tell me where the mine

was before he took the deep 6.

And now, here I am, an
old woman with no money

and no relatives, marooned
in a dark continent,

friendless and betrayed.

If only I could get some help some where.

Perhaps you people could
be so kind as to help me.

Hey lady, what you doing here?

Get out of here.

If you people will excuse me, I've

come to bury my husband,
Harold, in the flames

of the gentleman's club he was so fond.

This is not a funeral home, now, get out!

He smoked enough cigars
here to kill four men.

What?

What are you talking about?

Tight wad took me on a cruise.

The buffet was so cheap, all they

had was beanie weenies on
tooth picks and Ritz crackers.

Arnold popped one of the
weenies in his mouth,

choked on the toothpick,
and keeled over dead.

Hey... hey, lady, listen...

Wouldn't you don't know it,
he died in international waters.

The insurance companies
said, all bets were off.

I've had to live on my
salary teaching charm school.

Well, here you are, Arnold,
the place you so loved.

Ashes to ashes.

Oh!

Ah!

Thank you, Harold.

That's the only noble
thing you've ever done.

Ernest! Ernest!

Oh, yeah.

Ernest!

That was great.

Oh, what a fetching color, my dear.

Thanks.

You can untie me now.

Oh yeah, sorry.

Come on!

Hurry, Rene.

Hurry!

They're right behind us.

Grab that golf cart.

Oh, Ernest, you were wonderful.

So brave, so daring, so
adventurous, I mean, wow!

Rene, you will find that
men, by nature, are divided

into two main categories,
those with 11 fingers and those

without.

Know what I mean?

No!

Wake up, you idiot.

Where is she?

You let her get away.

Don't let them get away.

They can't be far.

Where have you been?

You.

- It's a long story.
- I bet it is.

Get in the Rover.

You're very lucky you do not fall.

I've seen the figures.

I don't think that Donovan...

Are we slick or what?

Isn't this lovely...

I wish this thing had a radio.

If it hadn't been for my NASCAR training,

they might have us on that last turn.

I remember once at Talladega,
Dale Earnhardt had kind of

caught me of on the right...

Ernest, you know what?

This is a nice clearing.

I think we should make camp here.

Why don't you go find us some firewood?

Firewood?

Yeah.

Well, where would a guy find firewood?

Well, in the woods, of course.

Oh, yeah, wood. Firewood.

Yeah, okay...

Oh, wow.

A bag of chips, oh, I'm starved.

Yeah, I'll bet somebody
else is starved too.

Well, luckily we won't
have to cook those chips.

Go on, Ernest.

Go and get us some firewood.

What are you waiting on?

But first, Rene, I need
some bug repellent spray.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ho!

Ernest.

And of course, I'll need my
high tech tiger-proof vest;

My NATO approved snake leggings,
resistant even to the Arctic

whistling snow viper; My nuclear,

high-fidelity killer-bee repulser helmet;

My state-of-the-art
rhino wrestling gloves;

My trusty chainsaw; And
last but not least, some

bananas to bribe the monkeys.

It's always good, Rene, to
have the monkeys on your side.

All we need is some firewood.

Stand back, local species.

I'm coming for the wood.

Oh yeah?

Well, I think you're
just a whiny sore loser.

You can keep the chainsaw.

Where do you want the wood?

Well, you're late.

Sorry.

Nice fire.

You idiots have lost
both Ernest and the girl.

Now, you've hunted leopard at night.

This is a golf-cart, for Pete's sake.

The leopard is more predictable.

Now, get on with it!

Ernest?

Yeah.

You were awfully brave out there today.

Oh, shucks, that was nothing.

I... I always carry that kind
of equipment in case anything

like this ever happens.

No, I don't mean the firewood.

I mean when you saved me.

You rescued me from Thompson's killers.

I mean, you were just like
that really handsome guy

from those adventure
movies, Illinois Smith.

Yeah, like "Illinois Smith and
the Curse of Hitler's Brain?"

When the Nazis were
hanging all over the truck,

and Illinois Smith was
driving on two wheels,

and he had his Luger in his teeth?

Ernest?

Do you remember when he kissed the girl?

Yeah.

And then he pulls out his bullwhip,

and he jams the handle in the gears,

and they all flew off the truck?

Was Illinois scared?

Not at all.

Not Illinois Smith.

He just reared back and
kicked it to the metal.

Took it...

Goodnight, Ernest.

Ah, good night.

And that's when the
propeller tore off the plane

and slammed into the fuselage.

Well, he wasn't scared, though.

He never backed off an inch.

Hey, remember when he
was in the sacred temple?

Remember that?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

And... And that big rock
started rolling down on him.

And the piggies were running after him

and they were shooting...

I don't know about you,
but I slept like a baby.

You look like you slept like a paperclip.

Ah!

Ow.

I'll drive.

OK.

I'll just go around that way.

OK.

Maybe I'll just go around that way.

Yeah, go around. OK.

No problem.

Why don't you come around this way?

Yeah, come around this way.

Okay.

Excuse us.

Pardon me.

You know what, climb this way.

Can you climb...

I'll just...

All right, here.

There we go.

You're okay.

Thank you.

Oh, no problem.

There we go.

Good.

Let's go.

We're set.

Not only were you unsuccessful,

but I believe Thompson
has doubled his price.

Before you pass judgement
on me, oh gracious one,

allow me to inform you that the bird

flies into the falcon's grip.

Hmm.

Then, we must sharpen and
the falcon's talons, hmm?

Very good, sir.

Very, very, very, very good.

Whoa!

Whoa.

We caught a little wind, there.

Of course we caught a little wind, Ernest.

We have a bush the size of
Kansas on top of the cart.

Yeah, it's a little
trick I learned in Nam.

It's called camouflage.

So they won't see us.

And why would they notice us?

Two very white people in a bushy golf

cart somewhere in the middle of Africa.

It happens all the time.

It does?

Are you enjoying those leaves your eating?

Mhm.

It's a natural bush plant.

Very nutritious.

I learned about this in survival school.

Oh.

It's funny, I just never knew
that poison ivy was edible.

Poison ivy?

Yeah, real tangy.

Look, there's a giraffe over there.

Oh, where?

Right over there, next to that bush.

Oh, I don't see it.

Right there, right there!

I don't see it. Oh, point it out.

Yeah, it must have been
a... like a tall warthog.

I've just flown all over this continent

and they're nowhere to be found.

I'm running low on fuel.

I don't care if you're
gliding into the wall.

Don't come back here
without having pinpointed

their exact location.

Wait a minute.

There's a bush moving down the road.

What?

Let's go.

I don't know about you,
but that poison ivy kind of

made me kind of thirsty.

Yup, I'm kind of parched, myself.

Good, see that shanty up ahead there?

Those natives look friendly enough.

And since I speak 19 Zulu dialects...

Ernest, where did you
learn 19 Zulu dialects?

I used to work in a record store.

Just pull over here.

Good, good.

You wait here.

You have to know how to
talk to these people.

Hey, homies, what's happening?

What it is, bro?

Oh, Ernest.

Black suit, black tie, cheap shades?

Bad guy.

My head.

Ugh.

I trust your trip to
my palace was relaxing.

Uh.

I understand that you
are somehow connected

to the eyes of Egoli, but you have

not been too generous with the
information that you possess.

I assure you, that by the
time this evening is over,

you will gladly cooperate.

In fact, you might find cooperation

extremely pleasurable.

I don't feel so good.

I really don't need this.

Oh!

Ugh.

Well, then the bank president says,

it's a nick knack paddy
Jack, give the frog a loan.

Knick knack paddy Jack,
give the frog a loan.

Ah, say, did you see
the girl with the glasses

and the long skinny legs?

Skinny legs, Kazim.

Kazim?

Which way?

Kazim.

Hmm, okay.

It's a nick knack paddy Jack...

Give the frog a loan!

Kazim, kazim.

That oughta be easy enough to find.

Come, ladies.

Come on, girls! Up, up, up!

The great Kazim bids your company.

Oh!

Ugh.

Here's my chance.

Ouch!

Watch it, pal.

I really think he's cute I'm
just playing hard to get.

Kareem, you old dog.

You never told me about this
new member of our flock.

I wanted to surprise you, anointed one.

You, come sup with me.

Me?

I am unworthy, swami sahib.

Oh, don't be such a silly little girl.

Come, share a bowl of the sea's bounty.

It will heighten your senses this evening.

Sit here?

Are you hungry, my little flower?

Starved.

Ah, the sweetest fruits
for the sweetest flower.

Some, uh, leg of turkey, perhaps?

A good appetite is a sign of passion.

That watermelon looks good.

Yes.

Ooh.

Oh.

Ugh.

How silly of me.

Ho ho ho.

Now, let's have a little
look at that lovely face.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

No!

Oh, just one little peek.

What secrets do you hide?

Oh, we have a frisky one, here.

Just one little kiss.

Ah!

Ew.

Guard!

Guard!

Ernest!

Ernest!

Ah!

Knock it off!

Guards!

Guards!

- Look out for the elephant.
- What elephant?

Oh, come on!

Oh...

If the nick knack paddy Jack,

give the frog a loan

Ernest!

Kazim, skinny legs, Kazim!

Kazim's got both of them.

Things are gonna get ugly.

Let's go.

Now that Prince wasn't so bad.

He had a nice smile.

The food was good.

Of course, the band could
have used a little work.

Ernest, are you out of your mind?

That Prince would've killed
you in a New York minute.

He's never even been to New York.

Well,

A Nairobi minute, whatever.

Hey, look!

Ernest, there's a truck.

Come on, let's hitch a ride.

Two harem girls in the middle of nowhere.

Must be my lucky day.

Hello!

Hello, girls.

How far are you going?

Johannesburg, please.

Well, I'm not going that far.

Oh, how far are you going?

My place.

What you do that for?

I don't know, I saw a
girlfriend do it once.

Here, let's stick him in
the back of the truck.

Buh-bye.

Rene, next time, try to knock out

a skinny ostrich farmer, OK?

Ernest, you better hurry up.

It's Kazim... I hope you're on
Ernest, cause I'm outta here.

Ernest, duck!

That's it.

This means war.

This should be the hail
Mary pass of the season.

He fades back, back.

He passes!

It's good!

I need more of something... more leverage.

That's it.

Oh!

Ernest, look out!

You gotta couple of deadly 38's.

Well, I gotta couple a 40's.

Yup!

Yeah!

Another one!

More ammo.

Never mind.

Ah!

Ernest, hit them, not me.

All right, direct hit!

It lifts, it separates,
it's a training bra barrage.

Ugh, these drive-by
shootings are worse than LA.

Hey, fellas, how about
a nice Egg McOstrich?

Whoa, these are gonna hurt.

How do you like them, fellas?

Sunny side up or scrambled?

Atta-boy, biggie!

Yes!

We got 'em!

Yes!

Good-bye, Charlie.

I get my master...

Oh!

Good, gracious.

Excuse me, I think you'll be needing

some permission to go in there.

Mr. Thompson.

We're so happy to see
you again, Mr. Thompson.

Where's Kazim?

He's tending to some personal business

and can't be undisturbed.

Bazoo, twist this man's
head till it comes off.

But, no business is so important

that it can't be disturbed for
Kazim's friend Mr Thompson.

But I must warn you, he's with Dorothy.

Dorothy, huh?

He must be having some real fun.

She is his favorite.

Oh, my darling Dorothy.

I am the luckiest man in the world.

No, no, have mercy great one.

Please, I don't want to die.

They were too fast for us.

Have mercy, I beg of you!

Where is my Darling, Dorothy?

Oh, there she is.

Oh, come my sweet little dumpling.

Now, let's watch Dorothy
play the soccer, huh?

Oh, come, my little Dove.

Oh! No!

No, don't!

Come, come, my sweet little pumpkin pie.

Aah!

I see they lost them.

I seldom tolerate failure.

Well, failure can be quite embarrassing.

I stole the eyes, you
had them stolen from me,

Mr. Rabaz stole them from
you, Ernest and the girl

stole the eyes from Mr. Rabaz,
and now you have nothing.

Perhaps you should dance with Dorothy.

I, uh, believe your price has doubled.

When I get unwanted help, I get expensive.

Very well, Mr. Thompson, no help.

But I warn you, failure will
result in dire consequences.

I won't fail.

This has become personal.

Now where are they?

They were last seen heading
north toward the border.

The forbidden border.

Very well.

Oh!

Dorothy!

Well, looks like we hoof it from here.

Well, these should be a
little bit more comfortable

than those gold lame heels.

Thanks, so fashionable.

Ernest?

Yeah?

There's something I'm
just dying to tell you.

Yes?

It's about your eyes.

Yes?

These things are driving me crazy.

Ahh! Ah!

Ah!

I've been thrust into eternal darkness!

Which way is America?

West.

But I don't think I can make it,
Ernest, these boots are awful.

Well, you know what they say, Rene,

the journey of 1,000 miles
begins with but a single step.

Believe me, Ernest, I walked 1,000

miles across that restaurant,
but I had practical shoes on.

Well, survival training
dictates that we always

keep our boats pulled up tight.

Ah, it doesn't matter anyway.

We're gonna be dead before
we reach those hills.

Well,

Maybe not dead, but bleeding
profusely from poisonous thorns

and maybe convulsing with malaria fever.

That makes me feel better.

Good.

It's always good to keep you morale up.

Ow!

They were here, but now they're gone.

Well, they never cross
the escarpment alive.

We'll have to catch them
before the hyenas swallow

the eyes of Egoli whilst it's chewing

on their decaying bodies.

What are you laughing at?

You should be visiting Dorothy.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

I'm communing with nature.

Communing with nature?

Ernest, let's get going.

When one is with nature,
one is at one with nature.

Are you trying to be philosophical?

The masses have always had to rise

up against the opposition...

I'm leaving, Ernest!

OK, gosh.

There are no punishments
or rewards in nature, Rene.

Just consequences.

Yeah, I know, consequences.

Well, hey, I was just trying
to make the best of things.

Shoe's untied.

- What?
- Gotcha.

Oh!

Sorry.

How much further is it?

I have no idea, Ernest.

Africa is a big continent.

I just don't see
how we're going to make it.

Through sheer will and determination.

But I'm hot.

Yes, Ernest, I'm hot too.

But I've decided to be
optimistic about this

and take a positive attitude.

For example, you and I are
getting to know each other very

well, my calves are firming up nicely,

and I've discovered that
once you understand wildlife,

there's nothing to be afraid of.

What's that big crawly thing on your back?

Huh?

Oh, that's a big ugly bug, get it off!

I don't want to touch it...

- Get it off!
- No!

No!

No!

Don't... I don't want to touch it.

No, no, don't get it...
It'll jump off on me.

No.

Ernest, you know, if we don't make it,

I just want you to know how much I...

Well, how proud I am of you.

I mean, that was really brave,
you sneaking into that harem.

Oh, it was nothing, really.

It was just a big room
full of half dressed women.

I know I've been somewhat
of a snob in the past,

you know, wanting things
that could never be better.

But these last few days
have really made me think.

She's coming around.

I mean, you gotta admire those
pioneer women on the Oregon.

Trail for stamina alone.

Oh, I'll tell you
Ernest, when I get back...

If I get back, things are going to change.

I mean, this experience
has really opened my eyes.

Opened up your eyes to
the old Worrel charm, baby.

Oh, Ernest.

Yes, baby?

We can't do this.

Yes, we can.

No, it's the end.

Already?

Look, it's over.

Over there!

We can't get across that river.

Oh, gosh, not another river.

I'm tired, I'm thirsty,
my feet are killing me,

we've got more of these
prickly things to deal with...

Oh, Ernest, quit your whining.

I'm trying to assess
with the situation, here.

My underwear is sticking, my
legs itch right here from gosh

knows what, I've got a big
mosquito bite right on my...

Good!

Good?

Yes, that's it!

What's it?

Legs.

Yeah, they itch right here.

No, no, my legs.

What,

You scratch your own legs?

I just gotta take off my pants.

Ugh, have you no shame, woman?

After all, this is not a
seventh grade gym class.

Well, this is what happens
when a 90s woman falls for you.

Maybe I'm just an old
fashioned kind of guy,

but I guess you're just a
victim of the old Worrel charm.

Here, blow these up.

Blow them up?

Yeah, blow up my pants.

You mean, put air in them?

Well, it's not like
you're in short supply.

Blow.

Oh, yeah, this is going to work.

OK, it's your turn now.

Oh, not again.

I'm tired.

Oh, please, Ernest.

Finish blowing this thing up.

Look, our only way out of here
is to use my pants as a float

and ride us down the river.

Ride down the river?

The river, Rene, is full of
African blood-sucking vampire

fish.

The kind of fish, Rene, that can reduce

an entire herd of buffalo to skeletons

in a matter of moments, Rene.

A

Vampire fish, Ernest, are not African.

They are Australian, Ernest.

I saw it on cable.

Now, finish blowing this thing up.

OK, give it here.

Oh.

That clump of trees is the
only place they could be.

Come on, Renee.

Walking down this river is
not going to get us anywhere

but further down this river.

We've got to find a way to get across.

Well, maybe we should get
somebody to carry us across,

like a ferry.

I think we have.

But they don't look like fairies.

Uh oh.

Ernest.

Not to worry, Rene.

I know this tribe.

They're friendly.

Hey!

How y'all doing?

Ernest,

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see what you mean.

Real friendly fairies.

Well, at least we didn't
have to walk, Ms. Ungrateful.

See, all I'm saying is, if you

didn't stamp so hard with your
feet, it might be a comfy ride.

Oh.

Gosh, I wish this song
had some different lyrics.

What's he saying?

See, I told you.

Would you look at this?

One never uses oregano
in a soup with basil.

No wonder they call them the lost tribe.

Ah!

Ernest, what are they doing?

They're giving us a massage.

You know, I think they're tenderizing.

Watch it, fella, these
are pre-washed jeans.

Ouch!

You know hard it is to get spear
holes out of pre-washed jeans?

Ernest, they're gonna eat us.

Yeah, well, wait till they
get a load of that poison ivy.

Oh, I think he wants
you to empty your pockets.

Yeah, I wouldn't want him to
break a cap on anything hard.

Goodbye little, yo-yo.

Ooh.

Ho!

Ooh.

Ah.

Oh, you like that, huh?

Ya.

Well, what do you think about this?

Whoa!

Hit it, Wally.

Hey, you people having
a good time out there?

Well, let's give it up, come on!

Where are you folks from?

Yeah!

Yeah, that's my kinda town.

I bet you're enjoying
this show, aren't ya?

Yeah, and we're having
a ball doing it for you.

Hey, Wally, don't I always
say that the Sinkatutu

are the very best crowd we
have on this whole circuit?

Come on, folks, let's give it
up for Wally and the Cruisers!

Let's give it up for the band.

Take a little bow, Wally.

And remember, folks, your
waiter works on tips.

So good night, and drive safely.

Wally, take them on out.

There's no way they
could've made it across.

They had to go through the Katanga Pass.

This is Sinkatutu land.

They're dead anyway.

Let's go back.

You, pathetic sniveling cowards.

I'm not a coward.

Sinkatutu land is forbidden.

Those that have entered this
land have never come back.

I should have dumped you both when

you lost them the first time.

Now, get out of my sight.

Well, Rene, you can't say I
don't treat you like a Queen.

The magic is great.

Any wish you desire is our command.

How about a one-way ticket to Cleveland?

Cleveland?

Ah, Cleveland!

Cleveland.

Um, say, chief, aren't
you also a high priest

or something like that?

Yeah, boo, high priest.

So, uh, how about you, uh, marrying me

and me and the little lady here.

Ernest, you haven't exactly
talked to me about this.

Look, just play along.

This is part of my master escape plan.

What, master escape plan?

We don't need a master escape plan.

We're in charge here.

I just don't see why we
have to have a marriage.

Just play along, it's safer.

Ernest!

Excuse me, I... I haven't
agreed to anything!

Ladies I bet the men in your
tribe don't make it this way.

The nerve of that man.

So, uh, we're going to
have like a bachelor party?

Sit around, belch out
loud, talk about guy stuff?

No.

Fertility rights.

Oh, no, uh, I already had
that operation a long time ago

when I was real little.

- Think of it as a booster.
- A booster.

Oh.

Boy, am I ever glad to see you.

This man is a thief of the Sinkatutu.

There are two men who
stole the eyes of the Egoli.

The one man, he flew
away in the white bird.

And the other one, you caught.

Oh, ho.

This man flies the white bird.

Wait a minute, I didn't steal the eyes

of Egoli or anything else.

I call for the battle of truth.

Battle of truth?

On second thought, maybe I'd
just rather have the booster.

Oh, yay!

Yay, Ernest Go, Ernest!

Hmm.

Not bad.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Ernest, will you hurry up, please.

Anything worth doing,
Rene, is worth doing right.

Well, at least I have time on my side.

Ernest, get me outta here!

Ernest!

Don't worry, Rene, I have
everything under control.

It has begun, the battle of truth.

Beat the clock.

No, you, idiot!

Hammer on him, not the clock!

I was just following instructions, Rene.

She's never satisfied.

Ernest!

Ernest, watch out!

Missed me, missed me,
la la la la la la la.

Ernest, look out, he's
got one of those axe things!

Ah!

Missed me, again.

Give me the eyes of Egoli,
or I'll cut you in half.

Nice shot, dip wad!

Ernest.

Ernest!

Where are you?

You wanna hold Teddy?

Ernest.

Ernest, Ernest, watch out!

Pay attention!

Oh!

Whoa!

Oh, oh, oh.

Keep going.

Keep going!

Aah.

You're stuck.

Now you die, Agent 32.

Oh, no!

Oh, Ernest.

Ernest, get me out of here!

Turn around.

Come on, man!

Don't give up!

That's it!

You've cost me a fortune.

Now, give me what is mine!

I don't have anything that belongs to you.

Ernest, your yo-yo!

At-ta boy!

Give it to him!

Yes!

Yeah!

And now for the famous around the world.

Ah, yes!

Ha ha!

I guess that was worth
the price of admission.

Ah!

Ow!

Don't stand there.

Ouch!

All right, Chief.

Time out!

Ow, get off me!

Ow!

You, get off!

Ow.

Ernest P. Worrel, what
on earth are you doing?

I am dying up here.

You walk around like Mr. Big Shot

while I'm up here with my rump roasting.

You know, the least you could
do is just give me a little help

and save me.

Any attempt would be much appreciated,

instead of some macho show of
manhood at a sporting event!

Ah!

Ernest!

Three more notches and I
gotta real skin problem here,

and it's all your fault!

You know what?

Correction.

It's my fault. I'm just a... a little hot.

I get kind of moody when I'm hot.

Ernest, let's talk about this...

Ah!

Ernest, you're a doll.

You are the sweetest
thing that ever lived.

You are truly my knight in shining armor.

Rene, Rene, Rene.

You were never in any real danger.

After all, I am Ernest P. Worrel.

Ow!

Ow!

You gotta do it.

OK, Betty.

Oh, hi, Rene.

Hi.

- Are you ready for our date?
- Um...

Oh, look!

I... I brought us a souvenir
from our adventure.

It's an ostrich egg.

I painted it and everything.

Oh, Ernest, this is so sweet of you.

Thank you.

Ernest, we have to talk.

Yeah, well, we have
plenty of time on the date.

No, Ernest, I have to tell you something.

Yeah?

Ernest, I can't go out with you.

All my life I thought what
I wanted was Illinois Smith,

but these last few days have taught

me such an important lesson.

Ernest, you are just too
wild and adventurous for me.

And that's why I've decided I needed

someone like Todd Lafsky.

He's the bookkeeper at
Wilson's Army Navy store.

You know, he's a local boy.

He's got his feet on the ground.

He's just an ordinary schmo.

But I thought you said I
was just an ordinary schmo.

Ernest P. Worrel,
don't you ever let anyone

call you an ordinary schmo.

Because you are a dynamic schmo.

Well, I...

I sensed there might be a problem.

Maybe, I was a little too worldly

for you, a little too
continental, a little too wild,

perhaps.

Good bye, Ernest.

Good bye, Rene.

Yeah, guys like me, we have to
try to travel the lonely road.

A rebel, a lone wolf, leaving
a trail of broken hearts

behind me.

Yeah, Rene.

It's time for the rogue of the open road

to set off again on his
quest for high adventure.

Another place, babe.

Another time.

Oh ho ho.

Oh.

Oh.