All language subtitles for Horrible Histories s11e05 Twisted Technology.eng

Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

Woeful wars Ferocious fights

Dingy castles Daring knights

Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts

Awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings

Cruel crime Punishments from ancient
times

Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless

Cavemen - savage, fierce and
toothless

Groovy Greeks Brainy sages

Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories we do that

And your host a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to...

Horrible Histories.

- Horrible Histories presents Twisted
Technology.

- Welcome to my workshop where I've
invented some of the greatest

rodent tech of all time.

Like the Interat, where you can use
Snaprat and Ratsapp to squeak

to your friends online, or share funny
cat videos,

or - as we call them in the rat world

THUNDER CRACKS

Yes, technology is all around us,

even in your home, from your computer
to the light bulbs

to the lock on your front door.

All of them were cutting-edge tech
when they were first invented,

although it took a bit of time to
perfect them.

- Bitsy, darling, hurry up!

I'd like to make a call on my
brand-new mobile phone!

Yes, I'm very successful.

- Oh, the weight of this thing is
killing me!

- Oh, come on!

How bad can it be-e-e!

Oh!
- What is that? - Gosh.

It's a bit on the weighty side, isn't
it?

- Oh, it's over five kilos!

It weighs about the same as a fully
grown cat.

- But it's so wonderful to be out and
about and able to communicate.

Don't mind me, I'm just making a call
to somebody in Bristol!

The other side of the country, right
here in the street!

- Oh, ow, ow, ow!

I'm OK, I'm OK.
- Oh, oh, oh. - I'm OK.

I'm OK!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Hello,
Brenda.

- Hello!
- Not you, Bitsy. - Oh.

- Yes, no, it's me, Gwendoline.

I'm just calling you from the streets
of London

on my brand-new mobile phone!

Hello? Hello?

I think the signal's gone. Hello,
hello? Hello, hello?

Ah, there you are. Yes, no, it's ever
so convenient, actually.

Yes, it did cost a lot of money,
actually, almost as much as

a luxury holiday!

But it's so great not to be stuck at
home with a boring normal phone.

I know Brenda? Brenda? Hello?
- BEEPING

- Brenda! Oh! It's out of batteries!

- Battery life only lasts 35 minutes.
- What?

- We could go back home and charge it
if you like?

- Oh! But it's supposed to be mobile!
What's the point?

- I'll go and get the car.

- No, because I had to sell the car to
pay for the phone!

It's fine, we'll just... Just walk.

Here we go. OK, ah!

Oh, yeah.

- Ah, Robert Dudley, my favourite Earl
of Leicester.

To what does one owe the pleasure?

- Your Majesty I have brought you a
new year's gift.

- Oh, a pressie for little old me!

Well, it's too small to be a castle.

- RATTLING

- It doesn't sound like a new country.
It's...

Ah, what is it?

- It's an arm watch.

One of the very first of its kind in
England.

It's a beautiful bracelet with a teeny
clock inside.

- Why?
- Well, er, it means

that you'll know the time no matter
where you go.

- Er, I already know the time.

When I wake up it's morning, when my
tummy rumbles it's yum-yum time...

- Yum-yum time.
- And when I yawn it's time for bed.

No, no rumbles yet. Give it about an
hour, Thomas. See?

- With this arm watch, you'll know
when an hour has passed.

If I were to ask you to meet me for a
stroll in the gardens at, say,

ten in the morning, you'd know when to
meet me.

- And how will you know what time to
meet me

for this stroll in the gardens?

- Well, I suppose like everyone else
I'd have to

walk into the town and look at the
town clock. - Oh, yeah?

- Of course it would take me a little
time to walk back.

- And you'd better not be late for our
walk, Dudley.

- It's incredibly expensive,

covered in diamonds and rubies.

Everyone's going to be totes jealous!

- Oh, why didn't you say so? I'll keep
it!

- Oh!
- Oh, Giles?

- Yes, Your Majesty.

- Er, yep, you're late. Take him to
the Tower.

- What, why?

- Should have got yourself an arm
watch, mate.

Yes, he should have WATCHED OUT!
- Very good!

- Welcome to Bletchley Park.

I'm Thomas Flowers, principal engineer
and designer of

Colossus, the world's first electronic
computer.

During the Second World War, with the
help of the Colossus,

we were able to crack German army
codes

so we could read their secret
messages.

And that helped us win the war.

OK, I'll just go and get the printer.

GRUNTING

Right.

The machines even printed out the
codes for us.

But tell me, what was the problem with

the Colossus Number 7's printer?

Did it...?

The answer is B. The printer's motion
was so fierce that it

made the machine shuffle across the
room until it unplugged itself.

It happened so much we had to tie it
down with these ropes...

- Argh! Get out of the way!

- Oh, probably should have tied that
down before I switched

it on, shouldn't I?

Come back!

When you think of cutting-edge
technology, you might

think of 3D printers, electric bikes

or a sausage pen.

It's both a pen and a sausage.

I invented that one.

Yes, our homes are filled with
technology that

people from history would think was
really bougie.

Some of it was deliberately designed
to solve problems,

but other things were discovered
completely by accident.

Look, it's a sausage a-and a pen.

It's never been done before.

- Dr Percy Spencer.

- Yes?
- This had better be a major breakthrough in military

technology, Doctor.

I have an hour and 45 minutes

until my jacket potato is ready for
lunch.

- Then I think you'll be glad you
came, sir. Recognise this?

- Ah, yes, the cavity magnetron.

Hmm, a bit of kit that uses a type of
radiation called microwaves

to detect enemy aircraft and ships.
I've read the briefing, Doctor.

- But last night, sir, I was working
next to the magnetron

when something...curious happened.

- What are you looking at?

- Oh, I was just remembering
something.

I was working late in my lab.

Unknown to me, the magnetron was still
on.

I felt a tingling sensation run

through my entire body.

But once the tingling stopped,

I was left with something warm, soft,
brown

in my pocket.

- Is this really something you want to
be sharing?

- Absolutely. It had a familiar smell,
but I still couldn't be sure.

So I did what any good scientist would
do.

- Ew! Gross!

- No, sir, I was talking about
chocolate. - Chocolate?

- I had a bar in my back pocket and it
melted.

Why, what did you think? Er, no, look!
What I'm trying to

say here, sir, is the microwaves
emitted

from the magnetron heated the
chocolate in my pocket

and cooked it.

And it works on stuff like corn as
well.

Here, sir, you'll want to brace
yourself.

- Brace myself for what?

- Oh, you'll see.

- Ah, we're taking fire!

- No, sir.

We're making popcorn.

I believe I've invented some kind of
cooking machine.

- Fascinating.
- It seems to heat things up

much, much faster than with a
traditional oven.

So no more waiting for your lunchtime
jacket potato.

- Oh, I'll have to take this to the
joint chiefs.

- Oh, my microwave cooker?

- No, popcorn. They love snacks.

What else can this thing do?

- Er, well, I was just about to try it
out with an egg.

Less time for egg.

- Ahem, watch and learn, Grover.

- Yes?
- Madam, I'm Hubert Cecil Booth of the Vacuum Cleaner Company Ltd

and I'm here to offer you the
opportunity of a lifetime.

- Ooh!
- Let me introduce

Puffing Billy, the first
petrol-powered vacuum cleaner,

available to you

for just a small fee.

- Ooh, how exciting!

- Switch on her five-horsepower engine

and she will suck the dirt right out
of your house.

Ooh!

- Whoa!

- Well, I suppose it does seem
effective. Do come in.

- Oh! Ooh!

- Madam, today's your lucky day. I've
sold machines like this to

the German Emperor William II,

Tsar Nicholas II of Russia

and Sultan Abdul Hamid in
Constantinople.

- Oh, gosh that is impressive.
- Turn her on, Grover.

- Right you are, boss!

- Oh, it's doing a wonderful job.

- Yeah, I came up with the idea

by sucking dirt from a chair through
some cloth

with my mouth like this.

- Oh, please don't do that.

- Sorry.
- Urgh!

- How about paying us to do the whole
house? We could start at the bottom

and go all the way up to the top.

- All the way up to the top! Full
power it is, boss.

- Oh, no! Oh, no!

Just a few teething troubles. This
didn't happen

when my invention cleaned Westminster
Abbey

for King Edward VII's coronation.

Oh, whoa!

- Captain Peck!
- Turn it off!

- Turn it up? It's already on full.

- What's going on? Whoa!

- Oh, no!

Oh, well, I think we can agree

the room is spotless.

- Ah! Whoa!
- Oh!

- Boss, I think we've got a blockage.

- You don't say.
- Hmm.

- Ah, Gladys, you're back.

I trust you had a smashing vacation.

- I did, thank you, ma'am,

And I just wanted to apologise for
chipping

the china on the day I left.
- Oh!

Think no more on it.
- Are you sure you're not mad at me, ma'am?

- No, no, it was just my best
350-year-old priceless

family china.
- Right.

It's just the other maids said you had
a rather extreme reaction.

- Would one call inventing a whole
machine that washes dishes

just so you can't break them any more
extreme?

- You invented a dish washing machine?

Whoa.
- It was either that or I do the dishes myself,

which would have been extreme.

- What exactly does this dish washing
machine of yours do?

- It washes dishes.

It removes dirt and the possibility of
clumsy

human beings smashing my crockery.

Don't smash that, too!

- I just wanted to see how it worked.

- It's simply a wheel mounted inside a
copper boiler

which gently turns the delicate

dishes through the soapy water,

instead of smashing them together

like an angry cavewoman,

which I can only assume is your
technique.

- Oh!
- People adore my idea. I've already

had several orders from hotels and
restaurants.

It might be the first commercially
successful dishwasher in history.

I expect I will be quite rich.

- As long as you're not angry, I shall
go about my duties.

- Oh! Excellent!

Of course those duties will no longer
include dish smashing.

- You mean dish washing.

- I know what I mean.

Did you know computers were invented
thousands of years ago?

Well, kind of. Come on, give me 20
seconds.

I'll convince you. Ready? Go!

Charles Babbage invented the first
thing you recognise as a computer,

the Analytical Engine, back in 1833.
It was used for calculations.

The first calculator was made in 1623,

but thousands of years before that,
they used abacuses and even

before the abacus came, the Ishango
bone,

which was from about 20,000 years ago

and might well have been used for
counting and calculating.

So in a way that makes it a kind of
computer. Phew!

- Where's Daddy's little princess?

Ey, I've got a surprise for you!

- Oh, Dad, you haven't! It isn't...?

- It is, come on!

- Eek!
- I got you your very own

Ishango bone. Yeah, or, what you kids
like

to call it, iBone, innit.

- Thanks, Dad. It's just I was kind of

hoping for the iBone 5.

- What? There's nothing wrong with the
4! This Ishango bone

is top-notch technology, you know.
Literally! Bare notches.

Look, 168 etchings.

- It's just I was kind of holding out
for the one with the extra

notches on the side.
- Ah, you don't need extra notches on the side.

Look, you've got the lines there that
you can count

and do your times tables.
- OK.

- Look, look. Two rows there

that add up to 60, and then one in the
middle that

adds up to 48.

You could use it to count the phases
of the moon.

- Is that the biggest one they had?

- Listen, this is genuine baboon
fibula.

- Huh?

- Straight from the baboon's leg!
- Hmm.

It's just my friend said that it's
difficult to spot

the difference between the baboon's
one and the knock-off.

- This one has got the quartz fixed to
the end, yeah?

So you could do your engravings and
that.

- Aw, thanks, Dad! I love it!
- Hey-hey!

I know how you young people like your
latest gadgets and that.

- Although I'll probably just use it
for games and stuff.

Pow-pow-pow! Take that!

- Look at that, she loves it.
- Pow-pow-pow!

- Notches in bones, eh? What will they
think of next?

- SCREECHING

- Oh, oh!
- Watch out for the angry one-legged baboon!

- Welcome to Historical Dragons' Den

where inventors from history come to
pitch their creations

to our modern business dragons.

Our dragons are looking to put

their own money into the right
project.

And the first historical inventor
before them is

Nikola Tesla. An early pioneer of
electricity, can his new bit of tech

shock them into investing?

- Hello, Dragons. Grr! Pfff-pfff.

Bllllrrrp! Bllllrrrp!

I don't know why I did that. Sorry.

- So, Mr Tesla, I've heard lots of
exciting things

about your work with electric motors
and how to power them.

Have you got something electrifying

for us today?

- I certainly have. You're my
favourite.

Presenting the mechanical oscillator,

powered by compressed air. Ta-da!

- What does it do?
- Allow me to demonstrate

using one of the greatest American
novelists.

It's Mr Mark Twain, woo!

- Hello, Dragons, Nikola.

- Can Tesla's vibrating machine shake

our dragons into investing?

- Ooh-hoo-hoo!

- I'd shake you by the hand, Mr Twain,
but

you're shaking enough already.

- It is a very pleasant sensation.

- Whoa!

It gives you vigour and vitality!

- It certainly gives him something.

- You'll see the genius of my machine
any minute now.

- Oh! Is there a toilet

nearby? As in very nearby?

- It's just, er, over there.

Although from the sounds of it, I
think it might be too late.

- So you've invented a machine that
makes famous

novelists poo themselves.
- That's right.

Now, who wants to invest?

- Like the contents of Mr Twain's
bottom, I'm out.

- A blow for Tesla.

With Deborah out, will Peter or Sara

invest in his poo platform?

- Does it do anything else?

- What else does it need to do? It is
fantastic.

Would any of you like to try it out?

- I'll give it a try.
- Sit down, Peter. - Aw.

- No-one wants to see a dragon poop on
TV.

- With the greatest of respect, I'm
out, too.

- PARP!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, Mr Twain,

that's not the toilet, that's the
lift.

- PARP!

- Too late.

- MARK TWAIN:
- Oh! Anyone invented self-cleaning pants?

- A vibrating poo platform? I'd
invest.

Sadly that bit of tech isn't still
around,

but a lot of old technology is,

like the bow and arrow. Oh!

Still used today, this game-changing
bit of kit was invented to

make hunting easier in prehistoric
times.

- Sire.
- Hmm.

- I think you'll be impressed. I've
invented a new weapon

that will revolutionise hunting.
- Oh, exciting.

- I started with a small sharpened
piece of bone.

- But that is tiny. You will never
catch a lion with this.

Look.

Did that hurt?
- Er, well, a little bit.

- No, it didn't.
- OK, but I hadn't finished.

You see, next, I glued it to the end
of a piece of wood.

- Ah, you are wasting your time. Look,
this is the smallest spear

I have ever seen. You will never

catch a vicious beast with this
child's toy, look.

- Ah!
- Did that hurt?

- It hurt quite a lot, actually.
- No again.

- What if I said I could

hurl this tiny spear a vast distance

and hit a target using this?
- Interesting.

Let me have a go.

Hmm.

- Ah!
- Ah, useless!

This will never catch a leopard.

- I wouldn't be so sure, ah!
- Watch me, Sire.

- Oh, impressive! Hmm-hmm.

So hold it like this?

Right.

- Ow! Oh, Sire!

- I would have hit the target if he
didn't get in the way.

Let me have another go.

- I think I'll stand over here.

- OK. This is the one.

Fire.

- Oh!
- Ah, oh!

- It's broken.
- Ah!

- Try again but round the other way.
- Yeah, that way. - Oh!

OK. Round this way, all right.

- AH!
- Oh, er... - Where is it?

- Ah, ah, it's here.

- I mean, the bow round the other way.

- Yes.
- Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm getting out of here!

Ah!

- Look, it's bound to take a bit of
getting used to.

- Hmm.
- A bit!

- I'm pretty sure I'm getting the hang
of this now.

- Please, please, please, please,
please

- You did it!

- THEY LAUGH

- Amazing! You have invented a tool
that can fire

small spears.
- I call it a bow and arrow.

- The bow and arrow!
- Er, actually the other way,

but it doesn't matter.
- Ah!

- Hey there, peasant farmer!
- Hey! What you doing

creeping about like that?

- I'm sorry. I'm a bit nervous, you
see? First day as a salesman.

Right. Ahem, hello, sir/madam.

I wanted to see if you were interested

in the offer of a lifetime.
- I'm busy.

I have to till these fields before
sundown

and it takes ages with these tools.

I have to plant the seed or we won't
have

grain and my children will starve.

- But that's exactly why I'm here.
- You want to adopt Kenny?

- What? No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Worth a try.

- I want to sell you something.

It's called the plough.

- Can't eat that. It's made out of
wood.

- You don't eat this, you farm with
it.

A demonstration of the tech of the
future.

So you drag it like this!

The spike digs out a channel behind
you. Then you just drop in

the seeds as you go.

Now, the plough uses a highly
scientific

concept known as pulling.

- All right. If this "ploo" is so
good,

why haven't I heard of it before?

- Plough.
- Play. - Plough.

- Palee.
- We'll work on it. It's only just been invented.

You know what, let me just show you

how good this plough really is.

- Fine! But I don't think it's going
to work.

- See how easy this is?

- Hmm.
- You can do this field in seconds, huh?

- Oh, no, I'm still not convinced, you
know?

I might need a longer demonstration,
so just keep going.

Better to watch an expert like you
show me how it's done, innit.

- I am an expert.

- Idiot.

You crack on, mate. I'm just going to
nip off for a second.

I'll be... I'll be right back.

- Oh. Oh, yeah, bring in more
customers. I love it!

Bring the whole neighbourhood.

With the lift hosed down and the
windows open, the Dragons

are welcoming their next historical
hopeful to the den -

Chinese mathematician, astronomer,
inventor,

engineer, scholar and artist Zhang
Heng.

- Hello, Dragons.

- Sometimes called the da Vinci of
Ancient China,

can he artfully get our Dragons to
invest?

- Mr Zhang Heng,

what have you brought to show us?

- This is Houfeng Didong Yi.

It is one of the first devices to
detect earthquakes.

- Your device is obviously way ahead
of its time. How does it work?

- If any vibrations in the ground are
detected,

a ball is shaken from the dragon's
mouth

in the direction of the earthquake
source.

- I think the design is charming.

- Very few people move the unshakeable
Dragons,

so could this be a great sign?

- I'm confused, how is it making this
building shake?

- It's not, it's detecting quite a big
earthquake.

We should really run.

- We're all in! Someone save the cash!

- Looks like Zhang's tech has really
brought the house down.

- Hello, I'm Thomas Edison, one of the
greatest

and most inventive minds ever to have
lived.

I suffered with quite bad hearing
loss,

so when my musician friend Hans Von
Bulow visited

so I could record him playing the
piano on the phonograph,

how did I listen along to it? Did
I...?

The answer is B, I bit the
instruments.

The sound vibrations would travel
through my teeth, then through

my skull and into the hearing nerve
inside my head. It's genius!

OK, Hans, hit it!

- PIANO PLAYS

MUFFLED:
- Oh, yeah! This is a real banger.

- Loo man, loo man The living toilet
poo man

From the Middle Ages With a bucket

So that you can have a poo

In a private place

Sitting on my bucket with a cape to
hide your face

Head, bum and then you're done

I will charge depending if you did a
two or one

Loo man!

- Please welcome today's historical
figure who really needs the loo -

Hedy Lamarr!

CHEERING

- Greetings, friend.

Are you the 1940s superstar film actor
Hedy Lamarr,

also known as the most beautiful girl
in the world?

- LAUGHTER

- Yes, I suppose I am. Sorry, I was
hoping to, erm, use the bathroom.

- PARP!

- Well, you're in luck for I am Loo
Man!

- APPLAUSE

- You, Hedy Lamarr, have been
transported through time

from the 1940s

through a mechanism too complicated to
explain.

- Oh, I don't know. I'm also an
engineer and inventor, so...

- AUDIENCE:
- Ooh! - Hold on. As well as a film star?

- Yes, er, I invented a cube that you
could drop into water to

make a refreshing drink like cola.

- Does it work with all liquids?
- No.

No.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

- Well, that's a shame.

Plop Quiz!

- What is happening?

- Answer questions one and two, and
I'll let you do a...

- AUDIENCE:
- Poo!

- Please can we be quick? I've got a
couple of extras wanting to

- FLATULENCE

- Say no more. Question number one.

You were in films like Samson and
Delilah and Boom Town -

that one sounds good. But tell me
about some of your tech.

- OK, during the Second World War I
invented a piece of technology

to help the war effort.

It was called a Frequency Hopping
Guided System.

- If my customers had a guided system,
I'd have to mop the floor

a lot less.

- LAUGHTER

- It's horrible, actually.

- It was a radio signal that couldn't
be hacked,

so the Nazis couldn't interfere with
our torpedoes.

- PARP!

- Sounds like you want to launch a
torpedo yourself, love.

Question number two. Do you think
you'll leave

a lasting legacy, aside from that
smell?

- Well, apparently the work I did on
the Frequency Hopping System

was later vital to the development of
Bluetooth and Wi-Fi.

- AUDIENCE:
- Ooh!

- Well, I don't know about Wi-Fi but I
know that that was really whiffy.

Hedy Lamarr, it's been an absolute
pleasure.

You may pass.
- Oh!

- APPLAUSE

- Time to release a blockbuster.

- Well, I know I'll be tuning in. Join
me next time

when I'll be stopping another
historical celeb

from taking a poo, to ask questions
just for you.

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I've been working hard and I've
created some brand-new tech.

Presenting Rattus 2.0.

I call it Rat GPT.

He's going to do my job for me while I
lie on a beach somewhere.

- Thomas Edison was one of history's
busiest tech wizzies,

creating over 1,000 inventions.

- See? He's amazing!

- And they don't have to pay me.

Edison helped develop electricity,
sound recording, cinema

and even X-rays.

- Hang on, this thing could put me out
of a job!

- Here's Edison to tell you
everything.

Take it away, away, awa...

- Oh! Phew, he's broken!

And thank goodness for that.

I think I'll leave this tech lark to
the experts.

MUSIC TO THE TUNE OF: Smells Like Teen
Spirit by Nirvana

Look round your house at all the
things

The light that shines, the phone
that rings

The sounds you like, the things you
view

I had a hand in all you do

Oh who am I? The light bulb guy

You'd be surprised

Thomas Edison, the inventor of the
light bulb

Illuminator

Movie studio Black Maria

Kinetoscope, movie camera

Phonograph, voice recorder

And the network electric power

All me!

I said I'd make a new design

Every ten days

They weren't all mine

I paid for help from other minds

To bump the numbers Never mind

With Graeme Bell's phone

I did tell him

What you should say when the thing
rings

I disagreed with old Bell boy

I said hello

He said ahoy

Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy

Imagine that

Thomas Edison the inventor

The Vitascope, the projector

Mimeograph, a kind of printer

Electric Pens, not a winner

With the lights on, is this
dangerous?

Yes, my light bulb made me famous

Yeah!

When Americans say I want to go and
plop...

LAUGHTER

I'll be stopping more historical
celebrities from taking a poo...

LAUGHTER

There'll be music playing.

- The past is no longer a mystery

Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories.

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