All language subtitles for h-boncrap1080p

This is the one.
- Will you be paying in instalments?

I'd rather just
put it in my pocket and run.

But you probably have great security?
- You bet.

Instalments it is.

Okay, here goes.

Hey, baby.

We've been seeing each other
for a while now.

And you mean everything to me.

Without you...

Well, this is just blah.
Other foot, other leg.

Waiter. Waiter.
What, taking half a day?

Am I getting anything wet in my gob soon
or should I lick dew from the leaves?

Sorry, I only do the sunbeds.
That'll be five guilders, please.

You're making me pay, you moron?
Are you tripping?

Lady, you can pay
or move somewhere else.

Listen up, crazy Turk.
This is an all-inclusive bracelet.

I can go where I want,
lay down as I please and eat all I want.

So get to work, Ali Baba.
- That's from a different resort.

Shouldn't you be out hijacking a boat?

My ancestors
put canals all over this island.

If not for us, you'd still be in
the bushes, playing with oompa loompas.

Stupid moron.
- Five guilders, lady.

Fucking...

Five guilders. Here we go.

Just you wait, I'll have you. Here you go.

Hello? Change, please.
- I'll be right back.

I'll be right back, he says.
At night, through the window, I bet.

We've been going out for a while now,
and you...

You've made an honest man of me.
- Sweetie?

We've been going out for a while now.
- Going out?

Alright, we've been in a relationship
for a while now.

And you mean a great deal to me.

And I have...
- Look at that sunset.

Gorgeous, isn't it?

Hi.

What?

For a second there
I thought you were going to propose.

What? Here?
- Yes.

No, too much of a cliché. It's swarming
with brides here. I would never.

You and marriage...
- What? Marriage is good, right?

Marriage is for adults.

People who marry, make certain promises.

Not everything would be about you.
And you couldn't lie anymore.

Name one lie. Just name one.

That time we were
supposed to take a salsa class.

What a shame you can't go.

Feel better.
- Thanks.

Any more drinks?

Dushi, don't you see we're busy?
- What's that?

Well, if that's all...

Great, you didn't forget my birthday
after all.

Forgot? Of course I didn't.

It was a surprise party, just not
exclusively for you. But mostly for you.

You're afraid to admit
that you forgot my birthday.

I didn't forget your birthday.
- I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Why are we even here?
- What?

Why did you want to meet here?
- Because I wanted to spend time with you.

With my prettiest ever girlfriend.

I have a mega surprise for you later.
Truly mega.

Hey, Norwin. You need to help me, bro.
- What is it?

It all went wrong.
- With Noélla?

Yeah, man. You need to...

Do something. I'm coming over.
- I'll arrange something romantic.

! met you there

you were so shy

Stop.
- For many days now

Stop.

What?
- Were you even listening?

Where did you find them?
They're not even Mexican.

I know. It's hard for you
to give all this up, right?

The sun is perfect.
There's a band, balloons.

You asked her dad's permission.
It'll work out.

She'll say yes.

What is it?

You still haven't asked
her dad for her hand?

Gentlemen,
please be very careful with that statue.

What an amazing statue.
It'll take pride of place in the room.

Where does this go?
- Over there, please.

Some more media requests came in for you.

Excuse me. Robertico?

I wanted to ask you in person,
but due to the distance...

Sure, sure.

Ken, I love your daughter.
I want to make her happy.

And so I ask you: May I please
have your daughter's hand in marriage?

Ken.

Ken?

Well?

No, he didn't say why.
Why do people have heart attacks?

But sometimes they are caused by,
you know, something specific.

You know what he's like. Too much stress.
- Alright, but he...

He didn't say anything? Nothing specific?
Like, about me, or anything?

No. For just this once,
this is not about you.

I'd love to go,
but I can't leave right now.

With the bar and everything. It's too
busy.

It may be best if you go by yourself.
For your dad, you know.

Why don't you just come out and say you
don't want to? Instead of always lying.

Today is different, I swear.
I just can't explain right now.

And I have other things on my mind.
- Honey...

Maybe we should take some time apart
to figure out what we're doing here.

What? What do you mean?

A time-out.

Time-out.

I need to be alone for a while.

I just don't want this anymore.

Noélla, please.

I want him castrated. All the way.

What? Customized?

If you know what I mean,
why mess with me? Get lost.

I've never seen her so tense.
- You're tense? Have you seen me?

I want it all customized.
All accessories. I want that print.

And the horn.
And the crazy springs that go:

And a dual exhaust. Chop chop.

Miss.
- Sir.

I paid 15.50. And for what?
Cold chicken. Flat cola. And limp fries.

I'd say your fries have been limp
for a while now.

Right, that's it. You've lost a customer.
That kind of behaviour belongs in a zoo.

What did you just say?

Honey.

You're a barbarian.
You can't hit people with frying pans.

Really?

Sleep tight.

Oh, is that funny?
- Yes.

Does it make you laugh?
- Yes.

Do you think I'm funny?

Annoying.

I miss her already.

So call her.

Okay, I'm calling.

A time-out means keeping your distance.

But there's an entire ocean between us.

I was wondering, any news about your dad?

Yes, he's recovering.
I'm taking over for him here.

Dinner?
- Yes, please.

Who was that?
- Christiaan.

I don't know him.
- VVon Imhoff Rosenstern.

Who is Christiaan van Imhoff Rosenstein?
- He helps my dad with the benefit.

Why do you need to have dinner with him?
- I'll call tonight.

Noélla, don't hang up.

She just hung up.

"Christiaan von Imhoff Rosenstern,
esquire.

Founder,
Save an Underprivileged Child.'

Probably some weird old dude.
- He has charisma.

What do you mean? Like Humberto Tan?
Or like Prem Radhakishun?

No, Humberto Tan, ten years ago.

Look at him go with those puppies.
- Put that away, man.

The white guys are muscling in on us.

I'm telling you, chicks dig that shit.

Shit.
- Yeah, you can say that again.

All flights to the Netherlands are booked.
I need to get to Noélla.

Stuart, right?
- Yes, thanks.

She said yes, right? She said yes.
My nephew is getting married.

Auntie? Something came up.

What came up?
- Miss?

Her dad had a heart attack.
- How does that affect the wedding?

You're not marrying him.
The wedding needs to happen, okay?

I swear to you, I've ordered a dress.
I got everything.

I'm going to show up all Golden Globes.

Miss?

Sir, can't you see I'm on the phone?

Miss, I'd like some mayonnaise.
-'Miss, I'd like some mayonnaise.'

We're all out.

I'm lodging a complaint.

Listen. Can you hear that?

That's the sound of: I couldn't care less.

Auntie, could you send flowers
to the hospital from me?

Flowers to the hospital?
What is this? A romantic TV-show?

Please.

Thank you for the flowers. Orbis et orba.

I'm coming to get you.

This is for all my dead friends.

Mr Maduro, some flowers for you
from Mr Robertico.

Rest in peace, dear Ria?

Oh well, no need to put them in a vase.

Christiaan.
Everything about you is big, right?

Gosh, Ken. You gave us such a fright.
- No worries. We'll be back at it tomorrow.

Listen, if you die, I'll have to run
the hotel. Just do as the doctor orders.

Don't make such a...

Dad.

I'm taking over for you.
- I'm sure that won't be a problem.

Good day, sir.

My, oh my, oh my, oh my.

Two minutes, 38 seconds.
I thought you people could run fast.

Did you find it?
“What?

The counter.
- Can I get you anything?

It's becoming clear why they sent me here.

Sent you? Who sent you?

Are you from Immigration services?
- My name is Jos.

The head office sent me. I'm an
efficiency manager. I solve problems.

I get rid of vermin, so to speak.
- I didn't do anything.

No. And that's the issue.
You guys don't do anything.

Now listen up...

Kofi.
- No, thanks.

Looking at your reports
is enough to make anyone weep.

Don't cry, sir.

Don't touch me.
I want to see the entire staff.

Noltie. Radesh.

Kofi. And Joe... Jup... Jo...

Judeska.
- That's what I said.

Some Bulgarian woman.

Hello. A new face.
I haven't seen you before.

Right, I usually fly at night.
- Oh, okay.

So I guess you're Stuart?

Yes, I've been stewarding
for three years.

Let's go, get to work.

No, I need to... help out with...
l have some stewarding to do.

Staying with the stewardesses,
you old dog?

Come on,
who else is going to fly this bucket?

Hello, lady. Can I get by, please?
You're all tranquilo, tranquilo.

I can't wait to be back in my country.
Move it. And stop stuffing your face.

Nothing but fatties out here.
Hello, move it, Frodo.

Hello. Can you move your tea party
elsewhere? Out of the way, get lost.

Hello.

Hello.
- Can you move over?

I need to be on the aisle.
- This is my seat.

Listen, buddy.
My bladder holds about a teaspoon.

I won't make it to the loo.
If I sneeze, you'll need your umbrella.

So if I were you, I'd just move over.

I reserved this seat and paid extra for
it.

Are you deaf?
Move the fuck over to the corner.

I'm asking you nicely here.
See? Stupid moron.

Can you announce
that we are clear to taxi in five minutes?

So... what do I say, exactly?

Good afternoon, everyone.

Welcome on behalf of captain...

De Vries. Welcome to all of you.

We will be flying high and moving fast.

We won't get caught,
there are no speed cameras.

It's a disgrace.
- You need to shut your gob.

Or there will be trouble.
Stupid moron.

You ought to thank me.
Those peanuts in a minute, are mine.

Why?
- Why, he says.

Who gave you the window seat?
Hare Krishna? No, it wasn't.

Stupid moron.

So, I am here, together with him.

I mean, captain De Vries.
Or maybe sergeant.

That must have been
quite a party last night.

Yes, I really...
I'm pretty hung over, so...

I thought, if you could take the first
leg, that would be super chill.

Well, you're lucky. I was young once.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.

I'm pleased to welcome you
on board of this flight to Amsterdam.

Did all the pieces arrive safely?
- Yes.

Except for the most important piece,
the one donated by Mrs Goldschmeding.

An antique Russian gold ring,
set with a flawless 12 carat diamond.

Valued at some two million euros.

Sorry, forgive me for being direct, but...

Why is there no ring on your finger?

Because my boyfriend
doesn't think that stuff is important.

What about you? Why aren't you married?
- I am married.

To my job.

DRY CLEANERS

Hosgeldiniz, welcome
to Ahmet's Cdstly Couture.

Whatever you want, I make.
High quality copies.

Dude, just speak normal Dutch, man.

I speak Netherland. People always:
Ahmet, you speak good Netherland.

My brother, he speak good English.
Kardash, speak English to her.

One, two, three, ten.

My brother...

My brother is a bit mental.

Moron. I can tell
you don't have what I want.

You're famous. I know you.

You're from TV.

Gerda Havertong.

Abi, stop it.

No, you're that singer.
You're from... What was it?

Cuntarut.
- Jutatareant.

No, a Dutch channel.
- Jutsyecunt.

No, not Jutsyecunt.
- Cuntyerat.

Juturcunt. Cuntyerit.

Abi, nothing like that.

Yuttercunt? Cantyerit?
Your mama's moustache.

Listen up. I need a dress. A dress.

I have everything. I have
Donatella Armani, Dolce Gabbana, Vuitton.

I have Adidas. A dress from Adidas?
- Why would I want a dress from Adidas?

What am I, Churandy Martina? Moron.
I need something fancy.

Fancy dress.
- Fancy?

Listen, you speak with Tarkan over there.

Tell him that if he keeps this up,
I'll deck him.

I'll squash his head even more.
Weird Turk.

Can you make me Hermes”??
- Sure, herpes.

You have Hermes??
- Ialways have herpes.

I'm Ahmet with herpes.
If you want, I give you herpes.

My brother has herpes, too.
- Big herpes.

My brother, big herpes.
I see a woman, I give her herpes.

I see a woman. What do you need? Herpes.
I give herpes, herpes for all.

My sister: herpes. My mum: herpes.

So if I've got this straight, the person
working the counter is not here yet?

Can someone tell me
where this fairy tale creature might be?

She's no fairy tale.

She's probably out flying on her broom.

Quiet. Don't tell him too much.

He's building up a file.
- What are you on about?

I heard him, he's getting rid
of the problem. Getting rid of.

Meat, meat, meat.
Who is signing for this?

Noltie.

Come over here. I've got real gay for you.

What? Gay? You're the one who's gay.
- No, one hundred percent gold.

Genuine silver. 24 percent carat.

I'm not buying that.

Here. Bus tours to Curacao.
- Oh, I've never been on one of those.

Three minutes early. Great.
- Sorry, I need to pick up my kids.

Sign here.
- Is this organic meat?

Because I don't see a label.

Label?

Right here. Your label.

What kind of meat is it?
- Fresh horsechicken.

Why do you ask? Questions, questions.
You're discriminating against me.

I'm calling the police.
- No, don't. They'll deport me.

Great.

I'm off to cook up a nice fat sausage.

Just this once.

Well, Tommy, what would you like to know?

What does that do?
- Oh, these are the wipers.

When it rains, they go...

And that one?
- That's the horn. Right?

You're out flying with your bros,
and you see a nice girl.

Hey baby, beep.
- Auto pilot switched off.

Auto pilot switched off.

Auto pilot switched off.

Don't panic, we're all going to die.

No.
- Yes.

Let's take advantage of this moment
and give in to our desire.

I've seen you checking me out.
Come and get it, big boy.

You hold on tight, now.
Hold on, sweet boy.

So this is how we do things?

Nobody checks
what mister chop suey brings over?

Here, your mother.
- My mother?

Mr Jos, now?
- Sure, go ahead.

Alright. Do come in. Welcome.

Oh no, they've called the cops.
I'm getting deported for sure.

Sorry.

Is this the Chinese man we're looking for?

Friends. Friends.

I'm not Chinese. Just look at my face.

I'm Latino.

Stop touching me so much.
- Que si, que no.

Latino?
We're looking for a Chinese guy, right?

Darryl, check out his head.

His head is small.
It's a small, Chinese head.

He has a Chinese face, right?
- But he says he's from Latino.

Are you done?

Here, Curacao.

Jos.

Say, are there any seats left
on that trip to Curagao?

Darryl?

Seriously?

Sweetie, let's call each other tonight.

Noélla?

Noélla?

Hello.

Are you okay?
- Sure, why?

You've been on the phone
for the last half hour.

Not that I'm spying on you or anything.
- No, that would be creepy.

That one's flying very low.
- You can almost touch it.

Mayday, mayday.
Ladies and gentlemen...

Don't panic, but there is a slight chance
we're all going to die.

Pieter.

Yo, Pieter.

What the hell are you doing?
I told you, no kids in the cockpit.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, thank you.
Allah. Krishna. Everyone. Thank you.

Yes, good, you're here.
There's someone in there... He needs to...

He's completely insane.

Noélla.

Let me help you, sir.

But I...
- Do you need a taxi?

Mrs Goldschmeding.
Don't you just look wonderful.

Noélla?

The last time I saw you,
you were just a little girl.

Oh, don't you two make a lovely couple.

No, we're not...
- Shall we go?

Yes, please.
- Allow me.

You're late.

Kofi.

What is this?

This?

This is Jos.

Oi, take a step or two all the way back.

Kaka, not today.
I swear: hinsa mi ta hinsa.

You'll be on the floor in no time.

Judeska, please be calm.
He was sent by the head office.

I'm the efficiency manager.

It's my job to ensure that things run
even smoother here than they do already.

I'm taking a break. Tutti frutti.

Shall we put this safely in the vault?

I'll give it to Noélla.

No way.
- Yes.

I trust the Maduro family like I do my
own.

You can't be too careful. Perfect.

Say hello to your father for me.
I hope he gets well soon.

Thank you very much.
- Dushi.

We need to discuss the reception.
My father wanted to treat the guests.

My father was talking about
a small treat to offer the guests.

Hey, dushi.
- Robertico?

I'm here. So tell me, what can I do?

I thought we were on a time-out.

But maybe it's time to have
a bit of a time-out from the time-out.

With whom do I have the pleasure?

Christiaan, this is Robertico.

Robertico, this is Christiaan.

Christiaan von Imhoff Rosenstern, esquire.
How do you do?

Robertico Florentina, esquire.
Noélla's boyfriend. How do you do?

What a surprise.
- Yes, anything for my girlfriend.

I hear you're putting together a benefit.
How can I help?

We were just talking about
the amuse-bouches. Perhaps...

Amuse-bouches.
- Small bites.

You just mean snacks.
Like pigs in blankets, scotch eggs.

I'll get on that.

You should have told me he was so funny.

Robertico, I think...
- No, sure, let him do it.

It's in the spirit of the benefit.
Underprivileged kids. Helping out.

Sure, if you want.
- Great to have you.

I'll check out the room.
- I'll be right there to discuss this.

Please don't let me down.
If you mess this up...

Dushi, I'll dive right into those amuses
of yours. I'll do this. For the benefit.

But most of all, I'll do it...

for Noélla.

Do you have a place to stay?
- I'll stay with my aunt. She can't wait.

You can't stay here. I have stuff
to do with hot dancer Timor Steffens.

I need to prepare. I need to shave
upstairs. I need to shave downstairs.

The rug needs to go.
Today, the land is bare, bare, bare.

I'll get Timor to hoover.

I'm getting him to lie down on the floor.
And then I'll do pirouettes on his face.

Auntie, you won't know I'm here.
I'll be gone in the morning.

I have to sort out those amuse-bouches.
- What?

Little bites.

How can you think of food right now?

You need to focus
on that skinny minnie of yours. Moron.

I've ordered the dress.
The guys have already started making it.

You have to marry her, listen...
- I'm trying.

I'm coming to the wedding.
- But can I please stay the night?

You know what? Fine. Lie down on the bed.
But don't make any noise.

Don't be telling me: auntie, take it easy.

Today you will hear how people came to be.
- Thank you.

And it's not free. You're paying me.
This is not a shelter. I'm not Jesus.

I'll just kick you out. Moron.

The showpiece of the auction
is this flawless 12 carat diamond ring.

Donated by Mrs Goldschmeding.

It is expected to raise
some two million euros for the charity.

Just now, Christiaan von Imhoff
Rosenstern, esquire, confirmed...

that queen Maxima
will be present at the benefit.

Oh, hello. Back again?

How are you?
- Great.

I see you brought a big old sack.
Are you going to empty that here tonight?

Mrs Maduro, you look ravishing as ever.

I'm glad someone notices.
You're not so bad yourself.

I'd rather be with you...
- Hey, mum.

Darling. I hadn't seen you there.

I thought, let me take care of the ladies.
So I brought sushi.

That is so sweet. Do come in.

She's mine.

Come on, bro.

You think she'll marry you?
- Never.

You'll never get her.
- You're not good...

Yes, you like that, huh? Enjoy.

No, not the hair.
- Your hair is getting mussed.

Everything is getting mussed up.

Delicious sushi. Those steamed oysters.

Maybe we could serve those at the benefit?

All taken care of, by Noélla's boyfriend.
- Robertico? Is he here?

Why didn't he drop by?
- He only just got here.

Oh. Excuse me.

A time-out doesn't really work
if you keep calling.

I know, but...

Noélla, can I get a towel?
- Is that Christiaan?

Why does he need a towel?
- To dry his hands?

I'm soaking wet over here.

Why don't I just stop by?
- No, no, no. It's really late.

My dad needs his rest. And I...
- Noélla...

I'm hanging up now.

Help.

Where?
- I'll be back.

Where are you going?
- Bathroom.

You'd better come back. And fetch the oil.
- Promise.

Timor. Hey, baby. Where are you?
- Not a word.

You can't leave, I have your keys.
So you'd better get back here.

Fuck.
- Can you hear them dangle, my Moroccan?

I hid them some place
where the sun doesn't shine.

Dushi.
- What are you doing?

I'm still stuffed. From yesterday.

I went to a Moroccan wedding.

I wasn't invited, I just walked in.
That's what they do.

They just walk in
without so much as a by your leave.

So ll goin.
All the guys besotted by me.

I getit. I'm forbidden fruit.

So there ll am, on the dance floor,
doing my Moroccan dance.

I do my dance and shake it all about.

All the heads turn, like this.
They'd love a taste of my roast beef.

But I'm like:
no, I'll just get trouble down there.

No, thanks. Right. But that grub they
had... That grub was pretty good.

They don't work for shit, but they
sure can cook. Well, they have time.

They had that catering stuff.
That was really good, that catering.

That went down well. Except for
the couscous. Have you tried that?

I can't get that down.
Sucking down something so dry.

Like I'm going down on the Sahara desert.
Just awful.

That's why they talk like that.
Just 'ggghhh' all day long.

It gets stuck in your throat.
All day, 'ggghhh'

Just have a cheese sandwich,
SO you can speak like a person.

Hey kid, I know you.
Or are you someone else?

Depends on who you mean.
- They all look alike.

They're grown somewhere in the jungle.
My plumber is one as well.

Well...

Would you believe it, there he is.

Little lady.

I've had a look at the problem
you have down there.

That kitchen of yours...
Such a lovely, wide kitchen.

That needs a big old set of pipes.

You can't just tickle it with a thin pipe.

Boy, you have no clue
about what my kitchen can take.

How are you sorting it out?
- A firm, fat pipe down there.

That's what you need.
- Sure, wouldn't you know it.

They always need something.
They're born that way.

Not with the head or legs,
but the hands out.

That's how they come into the world:
Let's have those benefits.

Let me warn you, little lady.
A lot of pressure has built up down there.

So you'd better put down some towels.
Because it's going to get wet.

I don't know what you're on about,
but I'm not letting you in.

I'm getting a cuppa. Want some?
- No, I haven't finished mine.

You and your Ebola face.
- Look at her go.

Wazzzup.
- Hey, Robertico. How are you?

Not that good, but you guys can help.

I don't think we've met.

Hi, Robertico.
- Jos.

I used to work here and wanted to say hi.
- Do we need security?

Fun, but we can't have people
just walking into the kitchen.

No, it's not like that,
I have a proposition.

Hotel Maduro have asked me
to arrange some amuse-bouches...

...for the benefit they are organising.
Everyone will be there.

Press, stars, models.

And Her Majesty Queen Maxima.
And I know exactly what we should do.

What? Maxima?

At the benefit?

Wait. Maxima. Judeska.

Judeska. Maxima.

Everyone will be so jealous.

I'll tell everyone: Maxima personally
invited me as her guest of honour.

I'll do something with the flag
of Argentina to impress her.

Or is she Chilean? She looks Chilean to
me. She's a bit full bodied, right?

I was like: what if the amuses
were made here? At FC Chicken.

That has to be the stupidest idea
I ever heard.

That is a brilliant suggestion. Well done.

Very good for FC Chicken's image.
- My thoughts exactly.

Such a great idea.

I need a dress that stands out.
A dress that says 'kaboom'.

You want kaboom. You should have said.
- Abi, kaboom?

Everyone walks in, you walk in: kaboom.

From head to toe, abi.
- Head to toe, kaboom.

No, just make it spectacular.
- Spectacular kaboom.

You'd better back the hell up.
I'll put your head in a kebab.

Abi, I have to make it in your size.
If not, I can't make your dress...

No? You can't make it? You don't see it?
- I can't smell your size.

Can you smell size?
- No.

He can't smell your size, I can't,
no-one can smell size.

I can't smell your size.

My size is known internationally:
bustier Beyoncé, okay?

And the butt is all Nicki Minaj.

Haram.

Hello. Google it.

Abi, guglen.
- Gugdul, abi.

Gugele, abi.
- Gugel kint.

You want dress from Gugle?
- Google. Just how stupid are you?

Gugle, abi.
- Gugle Google.

Today, we're making amuse-bouches.

It's great fun and needn't be difficult.

An amuse-bouche is the chef's calling
card, to show you what you can do.

Hurry up, let's go.
- Go where?

Come on.
- Auntie, I'm busy...

Grab my hat, bring it, moron.

Bon Bini. Bon KuNe.

Car.

No-one has ever won that car.
But with you here, I have two chances.

Why has no-one ever won it?

It's one of the prizes, right?
- Don't ask me.

Today, I'm going to win that car.

Hello, Winnie Mandela. What's that
on your head? I can't see a thing.

Yo grandad, just shut up. Take it easy.

Before your Parkinsums flares up.

Parkin what?
- Parkinsums. Par-kin-sums.

That thing old people have,
so you shake it all about. Moron.

Why do you want to win a car?
- To impress Maxima.

If she sees me pull up
in that vroom vroom...

Bon KuNe.

This is some ... bingo, man.

Here you go.
- And he wins red ski-goggles.

You really are good for nothing.

Don't worry. It's all real.
It really sparkles.

The ring will be delivered tomorrow.

This can't be right.

Have you heard about those amuses yet?
- No. But he knows it's really important.

As a finishing touch,
I'll pour redbush tea over it.

And here we have it.
A wonderful langoustine dish. Enjoy.

Nothing is happening, man.
It's just lobster with tea.

No, this is langoustine.
- Langoustine swimming in tea.

Relax. In some countries,
they don't even have tea.

We finish the dish with a vinaigrette
of truffle and sherry vinegar.

Is that grass?

Relax, in some countries,
people don't even have grass.

Mr Jos. Mr Jos.
I have a really great idea...

for the benefit. Let me introduce
my cousins: Prijanka and Dibika.

They were both almost candidates
on Mumbai's Got Talent.

We have prepared something for you.
Here goes.

Here we go.

Enjoy.

Best foot forward.

We add the chicken and the cream...

Whipped cream in chicken?
- He said so.

If you're not in the kitchen in three
seconds, I'll kick you back to Thailand.

Where's the bone?
- It's chicken mousse, there is no bone.

There has to be a bone.
- That's how it works.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Mr Jos. So, so sorry.

So, so sorry.

Keep your bloody paws off me.

Good evening, sir.
- Good evening. I'm here for Noélla Maduro.

Oh, she just left.

Did she go home?
- No, out to dinner, I believe.

With whom?
- Squire Von Imhoff.

Where?
- Le Cheval Bleu.

It's supposed to be
an extremely exclusive restaurant.

Robertico, are you sure
you don't want me to come in?

Kofi, no, I have to do this myself.
Thanks.

Loser. I told you to make a reservation.

Baby...
- No. No.

Okay, maybe you can give me hand.

Take off your belt.
- What?

Kofi, take off your belt.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Sheik Hamam El Habambambam
El Salami Alaouid says: good evening.

Do you have a reservation?

No.
- I'm sorry, I have to disappoint you.

We recommend you reserve
three weeks in advance.

Listen, mate. He is a sheik.
He deals in oil, butter...

He is Ali Baba's cousin.

The sheik says: the guy who refused him
last time has now lost his job.

Sorry, I have to disappoint you.
- And he is nowhere to be found.

Pray for your life. And your job.

Excuse me, gentlemen...

Isn't that...
- Yes.

There are twigs in the water.

That's right.
It's Moroccan mint and French cucumber.

Could we have normal Dutch water, please?

Normal Dutch water.

Of course.
- Thank you.

Robertico?

Look. I mean...
Noélla. What a lovely surprise to see you.

So nice. Right? Coincidence.

Robertico, why does Kofi look like that?
- That's not Kofi.

That's sheik El Halal... Hamam...

Salam.
-lmam Salami.

Thank you.

Sir, we'll have some Canei as well.
- Chablis. This is a Chablis.

Whatever.
- I'll be right with you.

You do that taste thing.

For the sheik, please.

What are you doing?

That's terrible.

I'm going to say something,
and you laugh very loudly.

What?
- Just do it. Now.

Sorry.

The amuses will be taken care of.

I'm getting FC Chicken to do them.

Why haven't I thought of that earlier?

Yum, chicken.

I'm going.
- I'll just visit men's room first.

Yeah, let me have some braising chicken.

Braising chicken? Sir, please.
Speak normally, moron.

Oh, spicy.

Spicy? You want spicy chicken. How many?

I can't get enough. I can go all night,
nibbling those chicken wings.

Give me your chicken wings

and I will nibble on those wings
all night long

Sir, I'm warning you. Look at my face.

This is the last face you'll ever see.

Hang on, lady.
The chickies keep calling me.

FFP. Fat Fat Pipes.

For all your damp spots,
a rock solid solution.

You get your dirty arse
over here right now.

You want me to come?

If I leave now,
I'll break the little lady's heart.

What do I care about some crumpet?
- You know what's gonna break? Your face.

Moron.

Judeska?
- What?

You're fired.

Great. I was about to ask
whether I could leave early.

I don't know what you're doing, bro,
but Noélla's mine.

Of course, I know that.

If I were you... I'd take a step back.

You're imagining things, bro.

I look at it this way: there's those
who swim and those who flounder.

I love to swim.
And I can see you flounder away.

What are you talking about?

Act normally, relax.
Show her who you are.

Be yourself.
- You mind your own business.

I'm going hunting with Noélla tomorrow.
Want to join?

Do you need a hunting rifle?
- I'll get my own shit.

What? No weapon?
Dude, look at me. Look at me.

Listen. Don't underestimate
your auntie Judeska.

I'm telling you.

Shot right between the eyes.
- You don't say.

He wants everyone to know.

That is a creative way to go on a hunt.

Great.

Robertico. Have you finally found the time
to come and look me up?

I didn't know you'd be here.

What don't you get about a time-out?
- Sorry, that's on me.

I invited him. I didn't know
you were going through a thing.

Sorry, shoot again, man.

Almost, Tico.
- Sorry, what?

Great.
- Try this. It's more precise.

Told you. I got it.
- A boar or a deer?

Much bigger, man.

Dad.

He shot me in the arse.

I'll take you to him.

Noélla, let me explain.
- No. I'm done with this.

I'm so sorry. I didn't see him.

Your father is built
pretty much like a bear. I didn't see.

Do you still love her?

So much. But I've just been busy
worrying about Christiaan.

My dad always said:
Jealousy is a lack of self confidence.

Yes, I went about it all wrong.

I should have focussed
much more on Noélla.

Maybe it's time to do it right, Robertico.

No, man. It's just too late now.

Those who fight, may lose.
Those who don't fight, have already lost.

That's what my dad said as well.

And what did he say
about fighting too much?

My dad fought until his dying day.

This looks fun.

They say a good whisky
can heal many wounds.

If taken in moderation.

I'm off to bed.
- Sleep well.

Good night.

I got away with it.

Shove off.

Quiet, they're asleep.
You'll wake up the whole house.

I swear, I'll never vote
Party for the Animals again.

Leave my trousers...

Let go of my trousers.

I'll go check.

Want me to come?
- No worries, I'll be right back.

Down, boy. Come.

Inside. Yes. Good boy.

There's a good boy.

Okay, think, think.

If she doesn't think this is romantic,
I don't know what to do.

Sweetie.

Hey, baby. I wanted to talk to you.

Hey, honey. Sweetie.
Listen, Kitten. I'm sorry.

I keep trying to make it up to you
and it keeps going wrong.

Hi honey, you make it up to me.
- Really?

I'm so happy to hear you say that.

Yes Tiger, take me.
- What was that?

Syl, what's going on?

Robertico.

He was cold and I was warm.
- No, it's not what you think.

Mum, what...

Robertico? What's going on?

Call the cops.
I want that man out of my house.

Dad? What's wrong?

Noélla? Please, believe me.
It's all a misunderstanding.

A simple mistake.

You'd better hope you make friends in
here.

I just wanted to propose to my girlfriend.

Who knows,
maybe you'll find true love in here.

Hey, cutie.
So you're my new girlfriend?

No, thanks. Get him off me.
Get him off me.

Ping Ping?

Robertico.

Robertico, mate.

I've missed you. I love you.
You came to get me.

I'm packing my stuff.
- No.

No, I'm not here to come get you.
- You have a different plan.

What plan? There is no plan.

Mother.

Will it never end?

Come on, come on. Get a move on, guys.

Abi, I'm knackered.
- You're doing great.

I haven't had any food or drink
in over three hours.

I haven't touched it yet.

Is that it?

Oh, she doesn't like it.

He worked really hard.
Sweat came out of his butt.

Yo, Turk. Break it up.
Just stay calm, okay?

This is exactly as it should be.

My blood was all up.
- This really is the kaboom.

Wrap it up.

You look amazing, sweetie.
- Thanks, dad.

Nervous?

A little.
- No need.

You and Christiaan did a marvellous job.
I just know it.

Robertico?

So much hassle.

Don't think about that today.
This is your day.

No. It's your day.

But you do have to take it easy.

Anything for you, my dear.

Beauty.

We are at the benefit
for underprivileged children.

What does that mean to you?
- Underprivileged children, to me...

I was very privileged as a child.

Great. I've really missed you.

That's great to hear.
- Thank you.

Dear guests.

I feel very honoured that so many of you
are in attendance tonight.

As ambassador for the Save an
Underprivileged Child Foundation...

...I care deeply
about the fate of orphans in Curacao.

That's where Mr Maduro and I agree.

Radesh...

I thought you were keeping an eye
on the others.

If you want to move up,
you need to show more initiative, alright?

Oh ramram, I wish
I'd never gotten to know those big boys.

Hey, Maxima.

Can you hear this?

A little more.

Call Maxima. Look what I had installed.

I'm coming,
but I can't have this car stolen.

Her Majesty the Queen.

I can't thank my mother enough,
or all of you.

I've got something yummy
under my dress for you.

Here? Is this me? Can I sit here?

Do be seated.
- So fancy. Fellow countrymen.

Hey, grandad. Isn't this nice?

Everything looks great.
So where is Maxima?

I hear people shushing.
Shush your mother, moron.

Let's start the auction.

That bonus will be
in your account Monday morning.

No need. I did this from the heart.

What is my ear saying?

This is a success thanks to your idea.
- Oh well, look...

Listen, no, really.
This idea came from that big boy.

Radesh, two white people
are talking here, okay?

There is just one thing I really hate.

When white people take credit
for something black people did.

But I thought you were a dark white?
- I'm not a dark white.

I'm a light black. Ali Bumbayeé.
Because black lives matter.

Where is Maxima?
Shouldn't she be here by now?

She's not coming.
- What? Has she gone mental?

If there is one thing I hate,
it's people with bad manners.

Madam?
- What? Can't you see I'm talking here?

Robertico, what's that?
- It was meant for Noélla.

Why such a small ring?
You need a big ring.

You love her. You're tight.
- Tight?

Do you know how hard I worked for this?
How expensive it is?

Big ring only 300 euros from me.
Real shine.

Jesus, nobody buys that, dude.

You are so stupid.
People from the Antilles buy everything.

Robertico.

Ever heard the one
about the bus trip to Curacao?

Are you really... You are just...
Seriously, bro.

There is no bus to Curacao.

Ever heard the one
about the bingo with the car?

Nobody wins the car.

Ever heard the one
about the ring at the auction?

There is no ring.
- Exactly.

Noélla needs to hear about this.

We have to leave now.
- You mean bust out?

Let's go. The ring gets auctioned at nine.
- Are you ready to work with me?

Teambuilding high five.

Bro, wash your hands.
- Let's go.

And now, this beautiful painting.

Donated by the Mensing-Du Bois family.
There they are. Thank you.

The bidding starts at 10,000 euros.
- What?

Hello, this is Kofi.
- Robertico. You guys need to help me.

If I'm not there when they auction
the ring, try to stall them.

How do we do that?
- Try something. Just stall.

I may not make it in time.
But he can't auction off that ring.

Going once... going twice...

Sold, ladies and gentlemen. 12,500 euros.
Yes, let's applaud that.

How the fuck did you get
a stripper in here?

Ping Ping.
- No, I'm not Ping Ping, I'm Ling Ling.

You like this?
You wanna arrest me? I'm so naughty.

It worked.

That was amazing. Right here, bro.
You're so good at this.

Lose the dress and the wig.
- No, I'm Ling Ling.

Come on.
- You need Jesus in your life.

Hurry.
- You really are...

Go, go. Come on.

High five. Let's go.

No, I can't just leave him.

Greg, don't go to the light.

Robertico, hurry. I'll pay for his
funeral. Come on, let's go.

Run.

Good evening. Name, please?

Robert Mugabe. Adema Sese Seko.
Alpha Condé.

And now, a very special moment.

I would like to present
the showpiece of this evening.

Gentlemen. Welcome.

Do be seated.

Right.

Not so fast.
- Hurry up.

What's the rope for?
- We're going to fly.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Can't you just keep it simple?

I'd like to present
the showpiece of the evening.

With the help of a very special lady.

Ladies and gentlemen, Noélla Maduro.

Hey, dushi. I know her.
And she knows me. Everyone knows me.

Without her, I would not have
been able to accomplish all this.

Great dress. Is that Herpes?
I'm pretty sure that's Herpes.

Only on a beautiful woman
can you appreciate the wonder...

...of such a glorious piece of jewellery.
Here we go.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen.
This beautiful ring could soon be yours.

I'll take if off, before she forgets.

Ladies and gentlemen...

The bidding starts...

at 750,000 euros.

Going once... going...

Eight hundred thousand Rand.

Sorry, sir. It has to be in euros.

One million.
- Eight hundred thousand rupees.

No, sorry, rupees is also not possible.

Come on, Robertico.
I have a surprise for you.

My helmet is on too tight.

Here, jump on. Let's go.

One million.
One million at table three.

One million ninety-nine thousand
ninety-nine hundred ninety cents.

Dollar.
- Okay.

I see one and a half million at table
five.

Two million fifty cent...

yin yen.

I'm the king of the world.

We were at one and a half million euros.
- Two million fifty cents...

Ebola.

Nelson Mandela.

Same again. It has to be in euros.

Going once... going twice...

That ring is a fake.

Robertico?
- That ring is not even worth 100 euros.

I may lie a lot, but this is the truth.

That's why I'm here. To tell
a very special girl how I feel about her.

Dear Noélla. I was so afraid to lose you.

That's my nephew. My nephew.

I know that I'm just a simple guy.

But sweetheart...

This is the guy you fell for.
Full of silly jokes.

This is like Bald and the Beautiful.
Dushi.

And my silly dance.

I know I don't need to be a squire
or a prince to make you happy.

He's the squire, but that doesn't stop him
trying to con you and your family.

What?

I have no idea what is going on.
This fellow is confused.

Let's continue. We were at
one and a half million at table five.

You played this so well.
We almost fell for it. It seems real.

This man is trying to steal
a diamond ring...

by cheating underprivileged kids.
- No, truly.

All you want is this ring.
- You.

If you'd just stayed
on your little island...

...we would have had a great night.

And nothing would be going wrong now.

Ken.

Kenny Boy.

You were so easily lead.

I had you eating out of my hand.
Like a puppy.

And your daughter. She was so eager.
- No.

Right?

Am I Cupid now? Okay.

So I get to shoot two lovers
with one bullet?

Fuck it.

Your mother.

Farewell Immigration.
I'd like to be deported.

I'll knock you to the floor.

Hey, gorgeous.

Judeska.

What the hell happened to you?

Bombaclat.

Bam bam.
- Sorry. Made in China.

I believe this ring is yours.

Get up. Get up, man.

It looks like
the big diamond racket leads to you.

But he's lucky. He likes rocks.
And his cell is made of them.

Seriously?
- Good one, Darryl.

Right?
- Are you done?

He's nuts. Rocks.
- Yeah man. Bricks, boulders, hard rock.

Good one, hard rock.

And he was this close to bricking it.

Dear Noélla.

You know you mean everything to me.

There is one thing I need to ask.

Dushi.
He's my nephew. He's getting married.

Of course she'd better say yes.
Who else is gonna ask, with that face?

She's nice enough, just too skinny.
She needs to get some food.

Noélla...

will you marry me?

Dad?

Yes.

I'm just so emotional.

I'm going to sing at your wedding.

I'm singing Whitney Houston.

What do you say?

I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.