Original subtitles

(Church bells chime)

(Footsteps)

Now, remember, tap the glass gently, then reverse.

- I've driven cars before, Sidney. - And smashed 'em, too.

Thank you.

(Alarm rings)

- What went wrong? - Gone too far.

- Do you think they're all right? - Well, get 'em out. Oi, Sid!

Don't stand there! Do something! I'll kill him for this.

- What's that bell? - It's the alarm! Let's scarper!

(Grunts and groans)

(Whistle)

Just tap the glass gently, then reverse, I said.

So, he tries to knock the whole building down!

- Perhaps he thought it was quicker. - Look at your pictures.

Our boss he calls himself!

What has he got? Tell me, what has he got?

Well... He's...

Well, he's very refined, isn't he?

Yeah, and he speaks nice, an' all.

- Know what? He's a twit. - Twit?

You're flattering him.

Him and his big ideas!

Operations. Hmph! Operations! What's the next disaster on his list?

The Shoreditch Christian Girls' Club.

Funny. I belonged to it, till they heard about my striptease.

Go back to stripping. You'll lose your shirt with this clot.

Look out!

Hi, fellas. Don't get up.

Regrettable about that little contretemps.

Contretemps? What's a fiasco? When we all get pinched?

You weren't driving a tank!

- The brakes failed. - Liar!

Who's calling me a liar?

He was.

And he meant it.

Be careful, Sid,

or I may have to teach you a... a sharp lesson.

What in? Driving?

What about some lolly?!

We f-failed this time, but don't worry.

I never stop worrying since I met you.

- Three cars you've wrecked! - Four.

- Yeah, four. - They didn't cost you anything.

- You stole them all. - Not for you to wreck!

- I've got my living to earn. - Me, an' all.

- I'd better go back to wrestling. - Why? You never won a fight.

They paid me more to lose fights, that's why.

All right. All right. Desert me.

Desert me.

I can find others to help me pick up...�10,000.

�10,000!

How much is that?

'Ere, Fingers. 10,000 from the girls of Shoreditch?

- We only got a tenner last time... - We're not doing Shoreditch.

We're going to crack one of the fullest safes in London.

- The Bank of England? - No. Mr Billy Gordon's.

- Who's Billy Gordon? - "Who's Billy Gordon?"!

Why don't you learn to read?

I don't know. I could never get the hang of it.

- What's reading got to do with it? - All right. Shut up. Go on.

Everybody knows Billy Gordon. He's a man who doesn't like banks.

People who don't like banks keep a lot of ready cash in the safe.

Billy Gordon's safe is the one we're going to bust.

(Man) Kaltenburg did the bust of me. Do you like it?

(Woman) You look rather worried.

I was. I was worried how much he was going to charge me!

I wanted a cigar. He wouldn't stand for that.

Tell me, anyone ever done your bust?

- No. - Pity.

Talking of busts... I mean journalists...

you're rather young and pretty for a newshound.

Mother's Own prefers younger women.

So do I!

Tell me, what can I do for you?

We're interviewing people who've made a fortune from nothing.

I certainly started with nothing - 500 smackers.

- Loaned by your wife? - Huh? Yeah.

Splendid woman. Got a glorious daughter.

- Is that your wife? - No, my daughter. Pretty, eh?

- Charming. - One of the last debs.

Slipped her in just before they closed.

- You married in the war? - Yes, Sergeant Major.

- You were a Sergeant Major? - No, my wife was.

PT Instructress. Strong as an ox.

I met her when she was teaching unarmed combat.

Next thing I knew, I'm thrust up the aisle.

- Up the what? - Up the aisle, dear.

She's changed now. Quiet as a mouse.

- So, you were in the army? - What? Reserved occupation, me!

Used to collect swill from army camps.

- What was swill used for? - Damned if I know. Hate to think.

A hell of a market in it.

Your wife's here. She doesn't want to disturb you but, er...

Disturb?! Show her in!

Please come in, Mrs Gordon.

Thank you, Miss, er...

Oh!

Lucy, my love. What a nice surprise!

I didn't want to bother you, but you forgot my housekeeping money.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, this is Miss, er... of the Mother's Own thing. My wife.

- Hello. - Hello. I'm sorry to disturb you.

You didn't. I've been telling her all about you. My little piggy bank.

Cost me a fortune. Still, it's moth-proof.

- There. You're solvent again. - But I only wanted ten.

- There must be a hundred here. - Really? Never could count.

- Get along. Shan't be a minute. - Goodbye, Miss, er...?

- Goodbye, Mrs Gordon. - Goodbye.

Ooh!

Psst!

It was ten you wanted, wasn't it? There you are.

- Oh, I thought... - Now, Lucy.

We had to put on a show, but the income tax swine are hounding me,

and I can't afford to throw away hundreds on nothing, can I?

- Well, can I? - No.

Good. We've got to be very careful for the moment.

When our ship comes in - country house, butler...

- Ta-ta. - Ta-ta.

Phew!

Oh, Beryl. Blast!

Call Rogers and put 100 - no, 90 - on Peruvian Wonder to win.

Look slippy or you'll miss the off.

- There's a gentleman to see you. - Oh, blast!

Well, tell him to wait. I'll get rid of this Miss, er...?

- Chillick. - Chillick! You're kidding?

I'm sorry, my dear. I've got a client waiting.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - So am I.

I say, why don't we meet after office hours?

Wouldn't that be too much for you?

You don't know me.

I'll phone you at the office, yes?

Oh, yes, please.

Arrivederci.

Arrivederci.

(Whistles merrily)

Come in... Oh! Guten tag.

- Bonjour. - You're French?

- No, I am Finnish. - Why do you speak French?

Finnish is too difficult.

Hmm... Please...

You're right! I had a Finnish girl once. She was very difficult.

Well, glad to see you've got the violin.

Da, with no strings attached.

Mmm! Very useful.

- Bad finish. How many? - 2,500.

- When? How much? - Next week. �50,000.

- Ha! Five. - Ha! Forty!

- Fifteen. - Thirty-five.

(Both) Twenty-five.

- Just a minute, I hope they work. - Why?

Why?! The last consignment your boss sent didn't work. I had complaints.

Surely, you are joking.

I do not understand. Complaints?

- From whom? - There were some survivors.

There's a sucker born every minute, but save enough to go round.

Have you anything to put the money in?

- No. - That's three quid for the case.

- Ha! Two. - Don't be mean.

That's the best quality plastic.

- (Yelps) - Oh, sorry.

Right, these are in thousands.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine,

ten... eleven...

I can't have everybody peering in like that. They're after me.

- The police? - No, income tax.

They've got spies everywhere. You've no idea what they'd stoop to.

- Er, fourteen... - Twelve.

- Sorry. Thirteen... - Twelve!

Sorry, old chap. I'm a left-handed counter.

Thirteen, fourteen.

By the way, what's the supply situation on guided missiles?

Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen...

(Whispers) This way.

- Hey, look. - The safe, it's open!

So it is... Whoops!

- You clot! - It was an accident.

So are you!

Now I'll have to crack it! Give me some light.

- Lights, gentleman. Is that better? - Don't move. I've got you covered.

- Is it a space gun, then? - Eh? Oh!

One move and I'll shoot you to comedon king.

Er... Come... Er...

There are four. One's got a blunderbuss, needs a haircut.

- How dare you! - That's him. You can hear him now.

There's a stringy youth, one who looks like a wrestler...

How did you guess? I am.

Shut up! I warn you...

I warn you.

- Curly's getting jittery. - Hold your noise or you'll get it.

You must be able to hear him. Recognise the voice?

- Ever broadcast before? - Eh?

You're on shortwave to Bow Street Police Station.

They'll be on their way already.

- We're in it again! - Shut up! Come on!

(Gordon cackles)

Good. Well, now we can have a little supper, eh?

You were wonderful but why did you let them go?

We didn't want to be disturbed by coppers.

- But they're coming, anyway. - No, they're not. I made that up.

Not a bad idea, eh?

Wait! I'd better move this stuff in case somebody else has a crack.

- Bottoms up. - Cheers.

Billy, you didn't come home to dinner again.

- I had to take a journalist out. - It's always the same.

I economise while you have lavish dinners.

But, Lucy, this is business.

Besides, it's all tax-deductible.

Then, couldn't you entertain me?

That wouldn't be honest. You know what you're like about honesty.

Cheer up. It won't be long before you have that country house.

- Am I forgiven? - Of course. Would you like a hand?

No. Just papers to hide... I mean put away.

Cheer up, old girl, won't be long before our ship comes in.

Oh, blimey! Haven't you had enough exercise for one day?

(Whispers) 'Ere, Sid... Eurhythmic tension.

After three months, they're like balloons.

Balloons! Peanuts, you mean.

Hi, fellas. Don't get up. No, d-d-don't get up. Sit down.

I-I know how you feel but this is the last of the fiascos.

- You said it. Goodbye. - You're saying goodbye to �20,000.

What now? The Crown Jewels?

The Crown Jewels? Bit risky, innit?

Billy Gordon again, but this time his private house.

- (Whispers) 'Ere, Fingers. - What?

A fly boy like that doesn't keep cash in the house. His missus may find it.

Hey, Whisper, I'm after something more precious than money, my boy.

I never heard of anything more precious than money...'cept dollars.

If any of you half-wits could read, you'd know Gordon has a daughter.

- Well, what about it? - Work it out for yourself, Sidney.

She's the one thing in the world he loves more than money.

- Billy? - I thought I told you...

- Angela has wonderful news. - Daddy, meet Tommy Weston.

- Hello. - What on earth are you doing?

Er... Smelled gas. Looking for a leak.

- Tommy and I are engaged. - What?!

Why didn't you tell me before?

We couldn't tell you before it happened.

- Before what happened? - Before we were engaged, sir.

- Can I help? - Why? Are you a gas inspector?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm a tax inspector.

(Laughs) Very good!

No, no. I really am.

You're a tax...?!

- You're a tax inspector?! - I'm afraid so, sir.

One of the snoops, what?

Yes, well... I'll join you downstairs.

- I hope you approve, sir. - Later, later.

Did you hear that? A tax inspector! Well, he's out for a start!

- I never want to see him again. - Billy, he's nice and she loves him.

Don't be ridiculous. Nobody loves a tax inspector!

- It's an honourable profession. - Are you kidding?

I won't have him in the house. He'd ruin any decent conversation!

Worse than a policeman or a customs officer.

- But if she loves... - I mean what I say.

I'd rather entertain a thief. At least they're honest.

We must case the joint properly, inside and out. Alarms, everything.

Where are you taking the girl after the snatch?

My old aunt has a little place in the country, just outside town.

I'll send her to Blackpool. She'll like that.

- Who? Gordon's daughter? - No, his aunt, stupid!

'Ere, Fingers, you're planning to kidnap that girl!

That's what I've been telling you!

You know what? That's dangerous, that is.

What? Sending her to Blackpool?

With anyone else, it would be dangerous,

but Gordon hates the law as much as we do.

He's the one man in England who'll pay and pay big.

Yeah, and if something goes wrong - which it will - we'll get ten years.

- Twenty. - We'll get twenty grand, at least.

The small time is over. Now for the big snatch.

The crime of the century!

Goodbye, dear.

Bye, old girl. Shan't be back to supper tonight.

But I was going to try your economy steak and kidney pie.

The one without the kidneys.

I'll miss that. You're lucky. I'll have to grab a sandwich at work.

- Ta-ta. - Ta-ta.

- Yes? - (Welsh accent) Good morning.

- Is the mistress at home, whatever? - We don't want any.

It is from the Public Opinion Poll

of the National Soap Foundation that I am

who are after a survey of soap powders used by housewives, whatever.

- Oh... No, not today. - Thank you, most kind.

And, look you. I have a free sample of a new powder we're marketing.

- No charge to you, whatever. - Oh, my husband will be pleased.

Oh, isn't it...? Has it got coal dust in it?

That's our black whitener. The black which washes whitest, whatever.

- Whatever will they think of next? - Yes, whatever.

- How many are in this wee hoose? - My husband, my daughter and I.

- Would you like a cup of tea? - How kind.

- I had no breakfast, whatever. - Come on.

I never realised that Welshmen really said "whatever" so much.

- I thought it was just music halls. - No truth in that, whatever.

You have no living-in domesticals?

No. I have no help, whatever.

Oh, dear. Now you've got me doing it.

Actually, I don't mind housework.

(Doorbell)

- Whoever can that be? - No idea, whatever.

Excuse me.

- Sid. - What?

I'm sure Fingers said come at ten, not nine.

- Yes? - Gas Board, ma'am.

- Routine inspection. Mains. - Oh, we wanted you.

- You did? That's fu... - Yes. My husband suspected a leak.

I'll show you. Come with me.

- You coming? - Oh!

- This way, please. - What a coincidence.

- You expected us and here we are. - It's colder, too.

(Whispers) I said ten, not nine!

That's what I said, but he would argue with...

If there's anything wrong, it should be under this one.

My husband was sniffing round here. There'll be tea downstairs.

(Both) Ta.

I could do with a cup of tea.

Looks like the old man sleeps alone.

What are you doing?!

- I'm having a look for the leak. - What'll you do if you find one?

Give me that. Make a noise while I find out

where the old lady and daughter sleep.

- Whatever's that? - They're mending a leak.

- Causing one, more likely. - (Doorbell)

What a morning! Excuse me.

(Crumbling and smashing)

Sorry, old girl, forgot my key and my briefcase. What's that noise?

The gasmen looking under your floorboards.

(Wails) Oh!

- Whatever is going on? - It's my husband.

- Your husband? - Yes. He seems upset.

(Gordon screams) Get out!

- Come on, now. Get out! - Don't shove. We only...

Look, when I want a gasman, I'll send for one. Now, get out!

- That's no way to treat gasmen! - Buzz off!

(Doorbell)

- Hello. I represent... - (Fingers) No, you don't. Scarper!

Right. Everybody out.

Sidney, shh!

Blimey! Anybody would think I was a beginner.

Coffin, hearses... It's crazy.

I think it's a smashing idea.

Nobody looks at a hearse. It's bad luck.

Exactly. Only a fool would use a hearse for a getaway.

- Now you're talking sense. - So, no one will stop us. Right?

On tiptoe.

(Fingers) Shh!

(Sid) Eurhythmic tension!

Shroud. You keep that.

- Chloroform. - I wish you'd drink it!

(Shouts) I hope everything's...

Are you barmy?! Whisper, Whisper.

Come on.

Knife.

(Ferocious barking)

(Barking continues)

Quiet, you stupid barker.

(Barking stops)

Thank you.

(Snoring)

Clever dog. He's anaestheticatized himself.

You didn't tell us about the dog!

They must have bought him yesterday.

Supposing he woke somebody?

Then they'd have come down, wouldn't they?

Smashing house dogs, these.

It's hardly human, that noise. I wish he'd stop it.

Oh, go and tickle him, then!

Come on.

Shh!

This one. Go on.

Go on.

(Burps)

- Manners. - Shh!

(Whispers) Manners.

(Floorboard creaks)

(Creaks)

(Creaks)

Shh!

Well, Sidney, you are now pie-tarcipating

in the crime of the century.

- There's traffic lights ahead. - I know, Sidney.

And they're red.

He's coming. Now what?

Keep calm and look holy.

Hey, you'd better take a look back there.

Shut it up, you fools!

The foot! The foot!

(Tuts) Thank you, Officer. What a dreadful thing.

(Officer) Hey, just a minute.

It's a bit early for a funeral, isn't it?

Er, yes, indeed. We're transporting him to Scotland.

Oh, h-h-he was a policeman, like yourself.

Him? With that little foot! I'd have sworn that was a woman.

That just shows what nonsense is talked about the size of coppers'...

(Coughs) ..policemen's feet. Er, thank you again, Officer.

Well, I handled that with the master's touch.

Master's touch, my foot.

Her foot! Ha ha!

Cheer up, we're out of the woo...

(Engine splutters)

(Backfires)

We'll have to push. Come on, you two. We need eurhythmic tension.

- What happened? - We're gonna push.

- Why? - It's quicker.

- Is the brake on? - Of course.

Well, take it off, you twerp!

Stop it!

Get out and push!

Hold it.

Sid, I don't think this is quicker.

- Why don't he use the engine? - Shut up and push.

Well, go on.

Stick it. We're nearly there.

Right. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it!

(Sid) Stop it! Stop it!

(Snowdrop) It's running away. Stop! Come back! Stop! Stop!

- Get it! - Get off!

Goodbye, Mr Davis. Now, don't worry.

Cheer up. Everything's going to be all right.

You never know what's around the corner.

- Thank you, Vicar. - Goodbye.

(Groans)

(Breathless) Hey... Have...? Have...?

Thank you very much.

(Clunk)

(Huge crash)

(Yawns)

(Screams)

- No, no, no. The car's had it. - What are we going to do?

- Walk. - All the way to St Albans?

Till we find a car. Get round the other side. Right... Hup.

Now, put it on your shoulders, properly.

Why do you have to be so high?

Right. Ready? Off we go.

Oh!

What happened? I've been so worried.

- We ran into a spot of bother. - Where's the hearse?

We changed hearses in midstream. Treat her gently, boys. Gently!

OK, Whisper, grab that chair. Turn it round.

- Gently. - Is she all right?

- Of course. - How can she breathe?

It's got a hole in the bottom.

Well, gentleman, I shall now produce the most valuable rabbit in history.

A tasty little blonde worth every penny of...

(Snores)

You bungling clot! I told you the door on the right.

- You never, you said left. Right? - He said right.

Shut up! Can't you tell an old hag from a young girl of 17?

- It was dark. - She looks older than 17.

- You mind your own business. - Now what?

As I see it, we've got the wrong woman.

Yes, and we... we carry on as planned.

I mean, she's his wife, isn't she? He'll still pay.

- He might even pay more. - Would you?

Well, there's no accounting for taste.

He's probably lost without her.

She couldn't have walked out on me.

After last night, I wouldn't blame her.

It wasn't her. It was you and that tax crook.

Lucy! Lucy!

Wake up, old girl. It's nine o'clock. Lucy, come out.

(Phone)

(Yells) Hello!

- (Foreign accent) Mr Gordon? - 'Yes, who is it?'

Here is Meester X.

- Mr who? - 'Mr X, but it does not matter.'

If it doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter to me! Charlie!

- Where do you think she is? - She may be at Granny's.

- I hope not. - Why?

- The fare's over a tenner. - (Phone)

(Shouts) Hello! What do you want?

�25,000, Mr Gordon.

What the hell are you talking about?

I am ze head of the gang who kidnapped your wife last night.

I am talking of the ransom I am asking for her safe return.

I... I presume you're joking.

- 'Zis is no choke.' - No joke?

You vill not contact the police.

One false move and she will be...

cut up into little pieces and scattered up the Great North Road.

You will obey without question the following instructions.

- Good evening. - Good evening to you.

I come from Mr X. How do you do?

How do you do? Are we going far?

- Oh, I mustn't say. - Why? I'm bound to find out.

No, the chauffeur has been given instructions to drive in circles.

Oh.

- Oh! - What's the matter?

So many blooming circles, I lost my way.

- (Gordon) Charlie! - What do you mean by that?

Tell me... This Mr X, he must be a very big fellow.

Oh, he's not all that big... Oh, I see what you mean!

Oh, yes. He only handles big jobs.

Oh, sorry.

Why do you wear that veil?

So that you'll never recognise me again.

(Laughs) That's very good. Very good.

Take my advice. Next time, wear a cape.

(Snowdrop) Be careful of the steps. Better let me go down first.

I fell down.

- You all right? - Yeah. Come this way, please.

- Now, sit down. - Don't lean against the back.

- Why not? - Because there is no back.

(Both mumble in agreement)

(Foreign accent) Meester Gordon?

Good day. Mr X.

I am sorry I cannot introduce myself by name. Pray be seated.

- Well, I am, aren't I? - Eh?

Just so.

(Laughs malevolently)

(Coughs)

Relax, Mr Gordon. Do not be afraid.

- I'm not, thanks. - Do not be too sure of it.

Oh, I'm quite certain.

No, do not be too sure you need not be afraid, I mean.

I thought you told me not to be, old man.

We... We have never crossed swords before, Mr Gordon. But if we had...

Just a minute, you're the long-haired chap who tried to rob my safe.

- I recognise your voice. - No.

Was he a - how you say - a foreigner?

No, a cockney like you.

No, Mr Gordon. It was not I.

I never fail, you see. You have heard of the Delvin Diamond Robbery?

- Uh-huh. - The Stettin Killings?

The Worthing Trunk...Murders?

- You? - Your humble servant.

By the smell of that cigar, you're not doing very well.

Is it a Congo rat?

Who's your accountant?

Enough of this idle chatter.

You know my terms?

Yes. �25,000 or you cut my wife into little pieces...

(Mocks accent) ..and scatter her all up ze Great North Road.

Precisely. I take it you have brought ze money?

- No. - Splendid.

Splendid. Zen we need only...

(Drops accent) What did you say?

No. Non. Nein. Niet.

In fact, nuts. Not a sausage.

Cut her up, old boy. This is the chance I've been waiting for.

You're bluffing... or you think I am.

Well, I'm not. I hope you're not!

This is the answer to a bachelor's prayer.

You can't do this to me...to her. She's a fine woman.

- Well, you have her. - I don't want her.

Well, you took her, old man. Don't blame me.

But...it's disgusting. It... It's immoral.

We'll cut her into pieces. Tiny little pieces.

Well, naturally you want to make a good job of it.

Well, you must excuse me. I've got a date. Rather a promising one.

Oh, talking about that, Mr X,

you've got rather a nice little bit of X certificate here, eh? (Chuckles)

All right, all right. You win.

(Foreign accent) I like a fight. I'll take 10,000, not a penny less.

Not a penny, old fruit. I told you.

All right. All right. 5,000. That's my final offer.

- �5,000 or we slice. - No dice. Start slicing, old fruit.

Now, really, I must be going. I'll find my own way.

- �4,000 and she's yours. - She's yours...for nothing.

Sid! Snowdrop!

- Take him away. - Take him away?

Take him away! Take him home!

- I've only just brought him. - Go on.

Well, auf wiedersehen, Herr X. (Laughs)

That swine has ruined my faith in human nature.

(Snores)

(Car pulls up)

(Doors open and slam)

- All right? Any luck? - Not a lot.

- He asked too much. - Fingers did his best.

He came down to 4,000. You can't do fairer than that.

- What did he say then? - That we can keep her,

that it's his big chance and we can cut her in pieces.

(Snowdrop) Tiny little pieces.

(Fingers) I've never seen such inhumanity.

A beast in human garbage, that's what he is.

Go and see if she wants anything to eat.

- 'Ere, Fingers. - What?

She won't like this. She expected him to pay.

Yeah, what are we going to do? Keep her as a pet?

We'll just have to cut her up.

How?

- Fingers! - What?

She heard every word. She won't eat - she says she wants to die.

- Die? No, she can't do this to me. - 'Ere, I thought of something...

Now, now, now! Don't take on so.

We'll be liberising you soon.

I don't want to go. I just want to die!

You may as well kill me now.

Well, I'm not going to. What do you take me for?

Then I'll kill myself!

No! No! No, no, no. Y-Y-You mustn't do that.

That's very selfish. You must think of others.

- 'Ere, boss... - Keep an eye on her.

- Yeah, but... - Do as you're told.

Watch her until we set her free.

But that's what I've been trying to tell you.

We can't set her free.

See, you've been in there without your masks on,

and she's seen your faces.

He's right. We might as well drop her at Scotland Yard.

"The crime of the century"!

- Well, Einstein, now what? - Gordon will have to be made to pay.

- Who'll make him? - His conscience should.

He wouldn't give a farthing to a beggar.

Oh, I don't know. He's not...

Yes.

Thank you, Sid.

Yes, I'll go and see him tomorrow. Thank you.

He's got another idea. A marvellous brain that boy's got(!)

- Yeah. - Yeah. You, too.

Do you think so?

Better go in first. It'll look better.

- Anything you say, Mr Gordon. - What a secretary!

Done.

- 'Ere, governor. - Yes?

- Box of matches? - No, thanks. I've got a lighter.

'Ere, I've got a message...

from Mr X.

- Hey, just a minute. You are Mr X. - No, no...

- I could hardly recognise you. - 'Ere, he sends his last offer.

Two hundred quid and she's yours.

Two hundred quid? The bottom has fallen out of the market!

Was she damaged in transit?

Look, I'll give you threepence. Buy yourself a cup of tea, eh?

(Laughs)

- Box of matches, please. - Oh, get out of it!

- Morning, Charlie. - Morning, sir.

- Oh, well. Never mind! - Daddy?

- Darling, what are you doing here? - You didn't come home last night.

No, I...I spent the night in a Turkish bath.

Was it mixed bathing? You have lipstick on your ear.

- What? Er, paint. - What's going on? Where's Mother?

Don't worry, she'll be back in a couple of days.

Charlie, is that a racing edition?

- Yes, sir. - My tips have been coming up.

Staiger in the 2:30. Italian. Very fast. What's the price?

- Is this the latest edition, then? - Yes, sir.

You swine! You killed my wife! I'll slit your throat!

- Sorry. - Now, then. What's going on?

He attacked me! Charge him with assault.

- But, Officer, it's a mistake! - Come on, the pair of you.

- Smells marvellous, dunnit? - Lovely.

- Is that all? - Perhaps you'd like the whole goose?

- Ta. - Do you mind?

His eyes are bigger than he is! Got enough for two.

When I was in training I used to eat four times as much.

(Snowdrop) 'Ello. (Sid) Well?

- You're just in time for lunch. - Hi, fellas. Don't get up.

- 'Ere, how did you get on? - I made three and a tanner.

Cor! Not bad. How long were you there?

- With Gordon, you twerp. - What's she doing here?

- Put that knife down. - Oh, sit down.

She can't eat with us. She's a prisoner.

- We can keep an eye on her. - Just leave her alone.

Thank you. I'm glad somebody has some manners.

What happened this morning? As if we couldn't guess.

She won't like this, but her Billy is making hay with the secretary.

Should have seen them. Kissing her in the car.

She's in a mink stole, big sparkler on her finger.

Never mind about that. What did he say to your offer?

What do you think he said? He's having the time of his life.

- I knew it, you asked too much. - Too much?! �200?!

�200! He laughed in my face and gave me threepence.

'Ere, Fingers. Not threepence. I mean, threepence.

No...

I call it downright insulting, a price like that.

- So do I. - It has nothing to do with you.

Hasn't it? It's me you're selling, isn't it?

Yes, and I'll sell you for any price I like.

Oh, no, you won't!

Just listen to me, you little squirt.

Oh, nobody calls me a little squirt and gets away with it.

- Easy, Fingers. She didn't mean it. - Yes, I did.

Oh, I see I'll have to teach you a little lesson.

Oh! Fingers!

Cor! What a beauty. Where did you learn that?

The army. Anyone else want to teach me a lesson?

I only wanted you to show me how you did it.

- I just did. - Snowdrop, come here.

Help me put him to bed.

Cor, what a beauty! Classic, it was.

Yes, yes. Whisper, guard the door.

- What, on my own? - Yes, you, Hercules.

I warn you, Ma. I never miss.

How could he? Oh, how could he?

- I could kill him! - He'll kill you when he wakes up.

- Not that squirt. - Now simmer down.

- On one condition, I'll release you. - Why?

We don't want to face a murder rap, that's why.

Even Superman there might commit murder now.

Give me your word not to split to the cops and you can go.

- Go? Where? - Home.

- That's right, home. - To a man who told you to kill me?

Who wouldn't even give �200 to get me back? What sort of a home is that?

Come on. We've got to be quick.

If you release me, I shall go straight to the police.

- No, I'm going to stay here. - Don't be stupid.

- Now you've got a chance... - I was stupid.

I've slaved, even starved for him,

because I loved him and I thought he loved me.

And this is my reward.

Well, now I have a chance to get my own back and I'm going to take it.

You want Billy's money, don't you?

- Yeah. - So do I.

The difference is I know how to get it and you don't.

You interested? Are you interested?

You mean you want to come in with us?

Oh, no. You come in with me.

I lent him �500 to start his fortune,

so I reckon I'm entitled to half of everything.

- Don't you? - What are you getting at?

We'll split 50-50 on everything I lead you to.

And I think I can lead you to a lot.

Is it a deal?

- Well, as I see it, I think... - Shut up! Go on.

We start by going to my house. That's where the first lot is.

If my guess is correct, the money's under the floorboards here.

- You're kidding? - Wanna bet?

We could have had that while we were playing gasmen.

Come on. Give me the jemmy.

..and to cap it all, customs pinched all those guns. Cost me �25,000.

- Poor old Billy! - I need money for that sugar deal.

- You've still got plenty left. - Not enough.

I've got some in the house, but it still isn't enough.

Darling. You wouldn't lend me your jewellery, would you?

Oh, no! I've had to work hard to get it out of you.

- Work?! - Yes, hard.

- It would only be a temporary... - No!

Well, I'm very disappointed in you.

- No loyalty to the firm at all. - Where are you going?

- To the office. - But you're taking me to dinner.

- I can't afford it. - You can't afford it?!

Sorry. (Laughs)

- There must be 20 grand here! - A pity there isn't more.

Imagine his face when he comes for it.

I'm sorry to miss that. That's the lot.

- I could kiss you for this. - I bet you could.

Come on. We've got work to do.

Thank you.

This should fix that two-timer.

Poor little Lucy. Didn't deserve such a fate.

Never an unkind word.

(Sobs) Never a dirty trick. Poor innocent...

(Phone)

- Hello? - (Man) 'Mr Gordon?'

(Burps) I mean yes.

- 'Tommy Weston here.' - Who?

Tommy. Angela's...

Look, sir, you'd better come. Your house is on fire.

What?

- What?! - 'I'm in the telephone box opposite.

'It looks bad, but we've called the brigade.'

Go up to my bedroom. Look under...

Oh, no! No, don't!

Why did he have to be a taxman?!

- Ah. Is this your car? - Yeah, yeah, yeah...

It's on the wrong side of the road with no lights on...

Oh, get out! Get out!

(Groans)

Oh, Daddy!

Great Scott!

Wilson! Get in there and get him out.

Yes, sir.

Is he mad?

I can't think what he's doing. He knows there's no one there.

Daddy, are you all right? Are you...?

(Wails)

(Crash)

Is he mad? Wilson, get him and hold him this time. He must be mad.

(Yells)

Turn it off! Turn it off!

You sure there's no one else inside?

- Quite. - Look, he's up there now.

Now, look, you're causing a great deal of...

Stop him! Stop that maniac!

Daddy, for heaven's sake!

- I'm going to have you charged. - Daddy, what is it?

Money... Money!

Mummy?

Mummy? Oh, I wish I was dead, too.

She's got some smashing stuff here. She did all right.

Yes, she did all right, all right.

- That must be worth a few thousand. - Yes, and this.

"To the love of my life. Billy."

Serves him right.

(Door slams)

Out! Window!

Anybody there?

Who's there?

Billy?

No!

- My furs! They've... - (Door opens)

(Gordon) Beryl?

Beryl, guess what's happened now.

You want me to guess, eh?

- What? - Well, I don't want to guess.

You organised that, you swine!

- Get out of my house! - Beryl!

I never want to see you again. Ever!

(Pants) 'Ere, Snowdrop.

- What? - How did you develop your muscles?

I don't know. They developed themselves.

How much did you weigh when you were born?

Eighteen ounces. Here, they said I was a miracle.

They said I should never have been born, but I was.

What's the time, then?

The big hand's on the 3 and the little hand's on the 12.

- 12:15. Are you short-sighted? - No, I'm worried.

They should have been back by now.

- How's your 'ead, boss? - Where is she? Let me get at her.

Where's my gun? Where's my knife?

I'll cut her in pieces! Where is she?

She'll be back. Right, Snowdrop?

- I said where is she? - Here they are now.

(Door slams)

That's right.

Lucy! You look beautiful! Where did you get them?

- Evening. How's the bonce? - Where've you been?

- Getting a few household needs. - Don't they close nights, then?

Oh, it's a joke. (Laughs)

- Very kind, I'm sure. - Glad you approve, boss.

- Wait till you see. - I'm not interested.

We'll keep you to that.

It's all in five hundreds.

One for Lucy. One for us.

Hands off. This is nothing to do with you.

Lucy. Us...

Mr Gordon. Mr Wilkins here alleges that after the assault you said,

"You swine! You killed my wife! I'll slit your throat!"

- Is that true? - No, I didn't say that.

I said "You swine. You've got a knife. You slit my coat."

- You said what? - Your Honour,

I mistook this begg...this gentleman here for a pickpocket who robbed me.

Had you any reason to believe that Mr Wilkins had murdered your wife?

No. None at all, Your Honour.

Then, how do you explain saying, "You killed my wife"?

Er... Er... Er...

(Gallery laughs)

- I didn't say that, Your Honour. - Well, what did you say?

Er... well, I said, "You ruined my wife."

You mean that old gentleman ruined your wife?

I... I've never looked at a woman for 40 years.

(Laughter)

No, no, Your Honour. I didn't mean that.

- I meant...I meant life. "My life." - Then, say what you mean.

- Thank you, Mr Gordon. - Your Honour, I was overwrought.

My house burnt down and I...

My client expresses deep regret, Your Worship.

I trust his explanation satisfies you that it was a genuine mistake.

It doesn't.

Mr Gordon is obviously lying and obviously hit the wrong man.

- Anything known? - (Sergeant) No, sir.

Fine �5. And keep out of trouble in future.

- Thank you, Your Honour, but... - This way.

(Muttering)

"Slit your coat." You liar!

Number 14 on your list, sir. William Delaney Gordon.

Back again.

William Gordon, you are charged with causing a breach of the peace

at Blaydon Drive, London, on the night of May 16th.

- Do you plead guilty or not guilty? - Absolutely not guilty.

It was my fire. I'm surely entitled to...

(Recites oath)

James Smith, Police Constable 166, S Division, Your Worship.

At 9pm on the 16th. I was assisting at a fire.

The accused dived twice into the building and had to be brought out.

When he attempted it a third time,

I tackled him from behind, whereupon we struggled on the ground.

He was hysterical and said...

"Mummy! Oh, Mummy! I wish I was dead, too."

- He addressed you as "Mummy"? - (Laughter)

I don't know. I took him to the station where he was cautioned,

and he said, "Give me a ruddy rope and I'll hang myself now."

(Laughter)

No one in their right mind would call you "Mummy".

I put it to you that you misheard.

Mr Gordon's daughter asked him why he dashed into the fire.

He replied, "Bunny."

She, mishearing him, exclaimed, "Money"?

And he said, "Bunny. No, Bunny. I wish I was dead, too."

Now, now, now. Wait, wait, wait.

You allege it went "money", "Mummy" and "Bunny. Oh, Bunny"?

No, sir. No, sir... "Bunny", "money" and "Bunny. No, Bunny".

No "Mummy" at all.

"Bunny", "money" and "Bunny. Oh, Bunny".

No, sir. No, sir... "Bunny. No, Bunny", not "oh, Bunny".

- Oh, b... Really! Does it matter? - (Lawyer) Very much, Your Worship.

Excuse me, Sir, it was "Mummy". "Mummy" and "Mummy".

- No bunny was mentioned to me. - Mr Gordon had a cold.

What's that got to do with it?

Oh, with a cold in the nose, "money" sounds like "bunny".

(Imitates) "I've lost my bunny." As my client will testify,

he mentioned neither money nor Mummy, but Bunny...his budgerigar.

(Laughter)

Please note, Your Worship, that my client's feathered friend

was lost on that fateful night.

- (Lawyer) I call Mr Gordon... - Where are we going?

Out, before they call you as a witness.

- Why? - Well...

Did you ever own a budgerigar called Bunny?

- No. - And what did he say at the fire?

Yes, he did say "Mummy".

Exactly. And where is your mother?

- Oh, Tommy. I wish I knew. - Don't worry about it.

That's what we're going to find out now.

Arriving at the fire, what was your first thought?

My canary... Parrot...

- Budgerigar! - Don't answer your own questions.

- A budgerigar is a kind of parrot. - (Judge) Now stop it!

When forcibly restrained, what did you cry out?

I...cried out the name of the bird.

Binky.

- Er...Bonzo? - Bunny!

- Oh, Bunny. Bunny. - This is all highly improper.

As you well know, you must not prompt witnesses.

- Questions? - No, Your Worship.

Your Honour, my one thought was to save the little perisher...

the little bird from perishing.

Thank you, Mr Gordon. Thank you.

Your Worship, I'm sure that you realise

that this whole affair is due to a misunderstanding.

Quite so. I am persuaded that you were trying to rescue

something more valuable than a bird, and that is money, spelled C-A-S-H.

Fined ten pounds...cash.

(Laughter)

Thank you. Believe me...

I shan't believe you, Mr Gordon. Go away.

I've heard quite enough of you. Next case, please.

- Well, that's a pity, because... - Come along.

Number 15 on your list, sir. William Delaney Gordon.

(Laughter)

Mr Gordon, you are charged with causing obstruction

with your car on May 16th

and with assaulting Police Constable Clutter during execution of his duty.

(Laughter)

Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Not guilty.

(Recites oath)

(Laughter)

'Ere, listen. Listen to this.

"I was trying to rescue my budgerigar," he said.

Oh, poor little budgerigar!

- I almost feel sorry for the fella. - He must be wondering what hit him.

Nice to see you in such fine spirits, fellas.

Help me change that wheel, Snowdrop?

Yeah. I never saw no budgerigar in that house.

- Oh, come on. - What wheel?

Oh, get out of it!

(Whispers) Whisper, looks like we struck it rich at last, eh?

- Yes. - Yes.

- You know what? - What?

- Lucy did us proud, eh? - (Raises voice) Lucy! Lucy!

- Lucy! - Good morning.

What are you staring at?

Where did you get that hair?

Out of a bottle, like your girlfriend.

Well, put it back. How can I send you home looking like that?

You're not. I'm going to stay here.

Oh, yes, I am. You organised those raids last night,

so you can't threaten us no more.

If you know what's good for you...

Do you remember the last time you threatened me, sonny boy?

What's the matter with you?

You've got the half the money.

I'm willing to set you free. What more do you want?

I'll tell you. I haven't finished with Billy Gordon.

Did you read about that woman murdered?

- Yes, disgusting. - It didn't give you an idea?

Why should it? It's got nothing to do with me.

No, but Billy reckons I'm dead and that you did it.

He's barmy! I wouldn't do a thing like that.

'Ere! I've just had a idea. If he thinks that, we could blackmail him.

- You're a genius. - Yes, I am. (Chuckles)

What a turn-up! It can't fail.

It can if it's left to you. Let me do the thinking.

The first thing you're going to do is have your hair cut

to carry out the plan that I have in mind.

- I'm not having my hair cut. - Oh, yes, you are.

(Tuts)

- Daddy! - Oh, hello, darling.

- Daddy, where is Mummy? - Er... She's gone away.

The truth is...she's abroad.

- We just can't accept that. - It's nothing to do with you!

- That's where you're wrong, sir. - Just stick to income tax.

It's too late for that now, sir. I married Angela yesterday.

- What?! - And I shall stick to income tax.

I'm now the inspector in charge of your files.

Now, look, old son. There's no mystery about this, you know.

We can just have a little chat.

(Knock at door)

Mr Gordon?

Ye... Yes.

(Mutters) Take it off.

I hope you'll forgive us barging in. Inspector Wainwright, Scotland Yard.

This is Sergeant Sykes. Do you mind if I speak in front of your friends?

Look, I'll see you later and explain everything. Not to worry.

We won't detain you very long, sir.

- Detain me? - Here, I mean, sir. (Chuckles)

Of course not. Of course not.

Certain statements have caused some speculation

as to the whereabouts of Mrs Gordon.

- Mmm? - Mrs Gordon.

Oh, Mrs Gordon.

Er, yes... Well, she left a few days ago after a quarrel.

Ah!

Then there is no question of her having disappeared?

Eh? Oh, no! Rather not. Good lord, no.

No, we're in daily contact... on the telephone.

I see.

Oh, well. There it is, then. Gossip.

Nasty thing, that gossip.

Sykes, I'll go on to Tottenham.

You report that the Gordon file is clear.

Very good, sir.

We're investigating that very gruesome Great North Road murder.

Good day, sir.

Good day.

Phew!

(Clears throat)

Have you forgotten something?

No, sir. I haven't forgotten something.

But you have, haven't you, sir?

Something wrong with your eye?

No, sir. They tell me it's pretty sharp.

Why does it keep winking, then?

A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.

- A nod...? What does that mean? - That's an old Latin quotation

and it means, "Is this your old woman's nightie?"

It was found by the body on the Great North Road.

The underworld grapevine says that you instructed a gang to do her in.

- That's a lie. - Is it?

Oh, you told the inspector some whoppers just now, didn't you, sir?

'Ere, supposing he wanted to meet your missus?

You'd have a bit of a job finding the bits, wouldn't you, sir?

- How much do you want? - How much have you got?

Practically nothing. Look.

Nothing in the cupboard, eh? We'll just have to make do...

- Just a minute, I've got to live. - So have I, Billy-Boy. So have I.

We'll just have to make do with this.

Oh, keep it. You're a disgrace to the force.

Oh, don't say that, sir.

Well, ta-ta, Billy-Boy...

Oh!

Keep smiling.

"A nod is a good as a wink to a blind horse!" (Spits)

Extraordinary fellow. What Division was he?

- Five Division, sir. - Oh.

- Mr Gordon? - Oh!

Sorry to come barging in, sir.

Inspector Jensen, Scotland Yard. This is Sergeant Smale.

A small inquiry about your wife, sir.

We won't detain you longer than necessary.

Wha...? W-What do you want?

Well, in view of certain statements you made about her disappearance...

- What are you winking at? - Sir?

I've got it! It's a conspiracy! The whole police force is in it.

- Mr Gordon! - Don't "Mr Gordon" me, bloodsucker.

Go and carve it up with Sykes. Not a penny more. I'd rather hang.

Are you suggesting that officers are accepting money?

Accepting?! Huh! I like that!

He only accepted �3,000, and that's your lot, cock.

- Now get out! - Mr Gordon, you would be wise...

- Hang on. Have you got a warrant? - No, but I can...

Well, get out of it before I sling you out.

- Well, go on, beat it! - You'll be hearing from us again.

And you'll be wasting your flipping time!

Three, four hundred. 50, 60, 70...

I shan't go far on 470.

- What now, sir? - Get hold of Sykes of Five Division.

And start digging at Gordon's house. He killed his wife all right.

(Charmaine) Oh!

Do you mind?

What's this? A nightie? You going away for the weekend?

Give me that. Who are you?

- Don't you recognise me? - No... Oh, yes. I couldn't forget.

I certainly couldn't. Well, what do you want?

- Oh, they killed your wife. - Yes, I know.

- Why didn't you pay? - I thought they were bluffing.

- I didn't think he could kill a fly. - They haven't finished yet.

They're going dress as policemen to blackmail you.

I heard them plotting it. Inspector Wainwright and...

Sergeant Sykes?

And I fell for it.

- I fell for it! - Then, I'm too late.

You're �3,000 too late.

At least the second lot didn't get anything.

- What second lot? - Inspector Jensen and the other one.

But there wasn't a second lot.

No?

Look, the gang's idea was to blackmail you,

then write an anonymous letter to the police,

saying you killed your wife.

Well, they needn't bother. I've done that myself.

I've got to get out of the country. Where can I get a false passport?

Oh, I can help you there. My uncle makes them.

You're kidding. How soon?

Well, tomorrow, on conditions.

- What conditions? - You take me with you.

I don't hold with murder. If they find out, they'll kill me.

- All right. The passports, how much? - We need two. That's �500.

You'll take 460. That's my lot.

Your lot? What will we live on abroad?

I've got some saved for emergencies. Let's get the photographs taken.

Well, it really looks as if my dreams might come true.

- Dreams? What dreams? - Oh, a country house,

a cook, a butler and a gardener.

All the things that Billy promised me, but never would have given me.

I've only got one dream.

A little garden and a big girl, my own size.

(Chuckles gleefully)

It worked like a dream. I played it beautifully.

- I wish you'd all been there. - Never mind that. How much?

- �2,300. - Empty your pockets.

- How dare you?! - Turn them out,

or must we do it for you?

I've never been more insulted in all my life. How dare you?!

- Keep your distance. - He's right. It is insulting.

Thank you. It's time we decided who's boss, once and for all.

We have. In your absence, we held an election.

You were defeated and I was elected unanimously.

Now, put away that silly gun and empty your pockets like a good boy.

You can't do that. Her? A woman?! After all I've done for you!

You're lucky we ain't strangled you. Now, cough up or maybe we will.

He's right, you know. We might.

All right. There you are.

I wasn't going to keep it.

- Now, the other one. - (Yelps) There isn't any more.

- What's this? - My petty cash.

- Petty cash! - That's better. Is that all?

(Squeals) Yes!

Guess what? I got nearly �500 for fake passports.

- Well done. - He's potty. A real one's 30 bob.

And that's not all. He has got a secret cache.

- Where? - I don't know.

But he's meeting me at Southampton tomorrow and bringing the money.

- And he'll just slip off. - I have the passports.

Why aren't you travelling together?

He has to say goodbye to his mother.

Ah, that's nice, innit?

Got it! That's where it is - at his mother's.

- How do you know? - Because, dimwit,

he couldn't care less about his dear old mother.

Boys, I think our little partnership is almost over.

I think we're onto the last of his lolly.

(Honks horn)

(Knocks on door)

- Billy! My boy. - Hello, Ma.

- Drunk again? - Not this time.

How are you, Ma?

Billy-Boy, what you want, really, is a cup of nice strong coffee.

Jolly good idea. I'll go and make one.

No, Billy, don't do that. I'll go and make it for you.

(Locks door)

- Billy, why are you doing that? - I'll tell you in a minute.

Billy. Are you staying over the weekend?

- No, I'm going to South America. - Oh, Billy! South America?

- (Fingers) Good evening. - Good evening.

Could you spare a glass of water, please?

Certainly. Certainly.

These gentlemen are asking for some water, but I'm going to make tea.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

No so fast, Billy-Boy.

Aren't you going to kiss your Mummy goodbye?

What are you...?! Oh, no!

You... Well, what do you want now?

We've come to help you with the luggage.

'Ere, there's a black car with P-O-L-I-C-E on it.

Stay put. Billy won't say a word. He daren't. Unbolt the door.

- Oh, good evening. - Hello.

Mr Gordon. I understand that you're leaving the country?

- Wha...? What? - Is that so?

Nonsense. I came down to see my mother.

- Oh! Is this your case? - No, sir. No, it's mine.

Haven't we met before?

No, sir. No, I don't think so. The name is Harry Maltravers.

We were passing and the good lady offered us some refreshment.

But I see you're busy, sir.

Come, gentlemen, we must be on our way. Good day.

Thank you for your hospitality, sir.

Oh, and do apologise to the good lady for me.

Cheerio, sir. (Mutters) Scarper.

Now, Mr Gordon, I'm going to ask you a few questions.

Do you recognise this nightdress?

Yes, they did it! Come on, let's get them!

Do you mind?

I have reason to believe that you murdered your wife.

Don't be ridiculous! Why would I murder my wife? I loved her.

We had our differences, but who doesn't?

I'd sacrifice anything to have my Lucy back.

Oh, Billy! Billy!

Oh, I said he was drunk when he came in.

No, he's had the most terrible shock.

He really thought I'd left him for good, didn't you, dear?

Come on, Sergeant.

(Cheering and shouting)

And pinching his car to get away in, eh?

This is better than a hearse, eh?

Slow down or we'll finish up in one.

Cheer up, Sid. We're rich at last.

- Who's got the case? - I have.

Hang on to it. There's 50,000 there for us.

No, Lucy gets half, remember?

Lucy's had hers. She's kissed goodbye to this little lot.

His face when you took that case!

'Ere, gentlemen. I've just been thinking.

- Is this honest? - Oh, shut up!

Never mind. Hang on to that case...tight.

Right-ho.

(All sing) # We're in the money now

# We're in the money now

# We're in the money now... #