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Today on Nightclub Confidential...

Tonight, we brought in a real Playboy Playmate, Chelsea Ryan.

It's gonna be a great party.

You guys are done, you're out!

I need Mitch.

My biggest guy is like fucking gone.

It all came down to this.

My first appearance on the comedy stage.

I'm Mitch Gauvin and for those of you who don't know me,

you can ask your mom.

Bad news.

It appears that someone's personal items are being purchased by the company.

Relaunching the club was huge risk,

huge amount of work, but the club is busy now.

As long as it keeps up, then it's worth it.

Launch night was a big success

and moving forward the challenge is gonna be,

you know, making sure that we're busy every weekend.

Tonight the club is hosting a steak dinner for 200 people.

It's an hour away and most of our staff still haven't shown up to set up the room.

-What time was he supposed to be here? -I told them 5:30.

Most of them are now a half hour late,

so we're pushing it for time and you're looking at the implications.

I gotta move chairs and set up tables.

He told her 6:30,

she showed 10 minutes after that and he scheduled for six.

Where's everybody else?

Waitress didn't show up so I gotta replace her.

And our chef for this dinner hasn't shown up either.

I just texted Niko 'cause it's 5:30

and I assumed he'd either have been already in here today

or there would be potatoes or something in the oven.

You know, our doors open in 30 minutes for the groups arriving at 6, right?

Another issue is we don't even have,

he's got the keys to get into our cooler and freezer.

We've got a lot of staff issues right now

that need to be addressed.

Hey, Niko How are you, bud?

15 minutes before we have to take food orders,

Niko finally shows up.

Not only is Niko the head of our kitchen, he's also a really close friend of mine.

Yeah, me and Simon, we go back probably about 35 years.

When the kitchen is slammed,

Niko's the guy we count on to get the food out.

I've been doing this a long time, 22, 23 years.

Gotta stay calm, make sure everything gets out.

Potatoes in the oven cooking already.

Steaks go on as soon as they get here and they start ordering.

Ready to go.

Get the job done and go home.

I'm not just a bouncer.

There's a lot more to me than being all macho and shit.

You can tell a lot about a guy by the tattoos on his neck.

Hey, that even says something.

"I don't need a job," it says.

I don't need a job, I'm unemployable.

I've always wanted to be a professional comedian.

People tell me I'm funny,

but I'm not sure if I can make the transition

to telling jokes on stage in front of people.

So I've signed myself up for amateur hour at a local comedy club.

We talk, and we like to make jokes.

We love to laugh, all of us.

But I actually have a real passion for it. I always have.

I wanted to talk to somebody that I look up to,

the owner of the comedy club, Dez Reed.

I gotta get back on.

Maybe he can give me a pep talk.

Go up to a girl in a bar.

How you doing?

I'm Troy.

I'm a fighter pilot, shipping out next week.

They're sending me to Syria.

I don't know, man, I might not make it.

I might die, but that's what I'll do for my country.

Oh, my God, that's so sad.

I wish there was something I could do for my country.

Perhaps there is.

Touch it.

-It's a week now away. -Yep.

So what are you gonna talk about?

I got lots to talk about.

Basically, it's just my life, it's very congruent.

Just talking about me.

-Talking about me and my job. -Yeah.

You know, my love life, a little bit of that.

Everything's gotta be concurrent to you, personal.

And I know that when I step on stage and they're watching,

they're not gonna think that it's a bunch of stuff that I made up.

It's actually stuff that happens in my life

and that's gonna help me act a lot more genuine.

You've already learned what I try to teach so many comics.

Your life is where all your material's gonna come from.

It's just the product of a lot of preparation

and I know that that's gonna be the difference

between me bombing it and me doing well.

You know what I mean?

Seinfeld used to say, when you start, expect to bomb.

And when I say "bomb", nobody laughs.

If I had to guess, he's gonna bomb, most people do.

Lately Niko does not seem very happy at work.

Maybe not making money here, whatever, but I mean you're paying one cook.

And at nighttime you have about 10 people standing around

with 30 people, customers, in the place, right?

Send some of them home if you wanna save money.

Well, they took my salary and switched it to an hourly wage,

which I didn't agree to.

So I'm a little bit pissed off.

We switched Niko from salary to hourly.

The reality was he wasn't working enough hours

to justify his salary.

I'm gonna be having a meeting

either today or tomorrow and just 'cause you own the place,

doesn't mean I have to kiss your ass.

Tonight, I'm training a few clients including Gina.

I'm gonna test some jokes out on them.

What's your opener?

Hey, how's it going? My name's Mitch Gauvin.

How's everybody doing tonight?

And you know what, I just fuck it up, so let me try it again.

Mitch telling me he was gonna do the standup comedy performance

just seemed like it was coming right out of left field.

-Do you practice in front of the mirror? -Yes, I do.

All you have to do is you have to cultivate

all the body language, gotta do it just right.

So it's like you got these guys with these medium Tapout shirts,

it's like they're saying, I'm big,

but not big enough to wear a large shirt.

So you're not nervous at all.

No, I'm not very nervous right now

'cause I have confidence in my preparation.

Good to go.

He is so not good to go.

Needs a little polishing.

I'm not just a bouncer I've always wanted to be a professional comedian.

I signed myself up for amateur hour a local comedy club.

Good to go.

He is so not good to go.

Not only is Niko the head of our kitchen,

he's also a really close friend of mine.

They took my salary and switched it to an hourly wage.

So I'm a little bit pissed off.

The reality was he wasn't working enough hours to justify his salary.

This morning I got a call from my accountant. Bad news.

This is just like, "Oh, what's that?"

It appears that someone's personal items are being purchased by the company.

Chocolate muffins, muffins,

apples, spartan, grapes.

For these three, I just need to see the checks.

These two I need to see the checks.

Okay, so you wanna see...

I just wanna see the check because...

-Who filled it out? -Yeah.

I found out that the checks written for grocery items

that were for personal items were written by Niko.

Simon's gonna take this really hard.

Niko and him are childhood friends.

Buying someone groceries for their house.

What are you talking about?

Since November.

Really?

That's one example.

Sandwich bags, maybe.

What the fuck, man?

This one's got a lot on it.

Little bits, but they add up.

Doing standup comedy's always been a dream of mine.

Now's it's actually happening.

What the fuck am I doing?

I'll be walking on stage like, hey, hey, how's it going? Hey.

Now I love girls.

For lots of reasons, you know.

They're better with conversation, they smell nice, and I have a penis.

Yadda, yadda.

Where else am I going with this?

I got a bunch of different segments.

Go back to the Tequila thing.

And I forget where I was going with that.

And don't get me started on feather earrings.

Oh, I forgot to mention the pickup line.

Oh, I fucked up.

Apparently I need more practice.

So, tonight we brought in a real Playboy Playmate, Chelsea Ryan.

So, we went with the Playboy Playmate theme tonight.

It's gonna be a great party.

Here we go.

We'll give you a nice...

We're gonna make it really rock.

Special guest just arrived in the house right now,

Chelsea Ryan.

It's rad to be here.

Everybody pretty much knows me from Playboy.

I used to date Hugh Hefner and live at the Playboy mansion.

So that's kind of my claim to fame, I suppose.

A bottle of Lucky Bastard and I want two bottles of champagne.

That's soda water. We can make Chelsea a vodka.

Why?

How's it going?

-You okay? -Yeah.

Playmate Chelsea Ryan's in the house.

The place is getting full.

Not a bad night,

and everybody's letting loose, so it's good.

Put that one to Simon.

I'm focused on getting the party going.

It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

What do you think?

-It's awesome having you, you rock. -Thank you.

And this is one of the reasons why I love being the nightclub owner and the host.

All the way from LAS Vegas,

the beautiful, talented Chelsea Ryan.

Come up and say hi. We're getting warmed up right now.

And then a men's hockey team shows up.

Are we gonna be on MTV?

I'm really happy for Mitch and his whole comedy thing,

but can he not be doing this tonight?

-What's happening? -How you doing?

Doing all right, I'm just gonna go do some standup comedy

at Dez Reed's.

-Nice. -Yeah, it's gonna be ridiculous.

Kind of a big deal.

Normally I'm a guy with nerves of steel,

but tonight, they're more like silly string.

Now here's the rules.

If you're bombing, you're gonna hear some things.

After your set, I will praise, or not, you.

If you really sucked, I'm really gonna let you have it.

And especially Mitch,

don't come and punch me, you fucking 'roided up freak.

I'm already pretty nervous,

so when Dez tells us

that he's gonna rip us on stage if we don't do good,

that makes the environment even more hostile.

I gotta pee. I gotta pee.

The night is finally going well.

The place is banging.

And then a senior league men's hockey team shows up to the party

and they are looking pretty rowdy.

We're on TV.

The hockey team started becoming a little aggressive against Chelsea.

I was trying to be patient, but there finally came a point

where they were being a little too rude and hostile.

If I hear one more fucking thing, guys, I'm gonna call it a night,

so it's up to you guys. I'm not trying to be rude.

I'm not trying to be ignorant.

We gotta protect our customers, you guys.

We're not trying to be rude.

You got an issue with that, then we're gone. Cool.

Great, get the fuck out of the party.

I need Mitch.

My biggest guy in the room is like fucking gone.

It appears that someone's personal items are being purchased by the company.

It all came down to this,

my first appearance on the comedy stage.

I'm really happy for Mitch and his whole comedy thing,

but can he not be doing this tonight?

We're gonna have a lot of fun here tonight.

We got some guys who have never tried comedy before.

Knowing that this was Mitch's first standup comedy gig,

I was pretty nervous for him.

I have two tattoos and my mom gets them.

She gave in, she said, "If you ever do get tattoos,"

"get them somewhere that doesn't matter."

So you know what I did? Got them done in Regina.

It was really nerve-racking to sit there and watch and wait

and wonder how I was gonna do.

30 bucks, all-you-can-eat ribs.

It's like, for a fat guy, that's pretty much as good

as 30 bucks all-you-can-get blowjobs.

An incident like this can ruin a really good night.

Let's go, let's head out.

After you give someone a few chances,

then the decision comes that they have to leave.

You wanna spit on my floor. You wanna kick my furniture.

You guys are done. You're out.

Yo, bring everybody out, pull the cop car around too.

Get the fuck out of here.

Go on, get the fuck out. I asked you nicely.

Get the fuck out of here.

Keep talking. Get out.

I just called the cops.

You're going to fucking jail. Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out.

I asked you 20 times.

That's why I got the cops waiting for you.

You wanna go too!

The owner of Tequila is a waste of fucking time!

It's an adrenaline rush.

They just won't listen.

No they don't. Drunk people never listen.

This is why I don't have a life outside of here.

If you're ready, I'll bring you up now.

Mitch Gauvin.

So fuck it, I'm ready as I'll ever be.

He's working over at Tequila right now.

His brothers are here.

Please welcome Mitch Gauvin!

I'm Mitch Gauvin, and for those of you who don't know me, you can ask your mom.

Yeah, I know, right? That's low brow.

But I moved to Saskatoon about three years ago.

I was doing the Kijiji roommates thing.

You guys ever done that?

You know, it's like a box of chocolates,

only they're all super shitty like, coconut and olive oil,

So, you know, I like girls,

and when I came here it was awkward at first.

It was shitty, you know?

But eventually there was this one girl, finally.

And you know she told everybody about us.

She told all her friends, her mom, her dad, even the police.

So after I got out of jail...

Right?

So girls like guys with jobs,

so I got a job at Tequila nightclub.

It's been good.

It's been really good. They had the best light show in town.

They got the smoke show staff.

But it's so fucking awesome

that when I go home and wake up the next day, I feel like I'm gonna die.

But you know, that's all I got.

Let's have a good night, everybody. Thank you.

Good job. Thank you.

Hey, Mitch, come on back your drinks.

Round of applause, Mitch Gauvin. It's his first time ever.

At least Mitch didn't get booed off stage.

This was our first first time and I thought he was all right.

Well I guess everything turned out all right

for the first time, first show. He's all right.

You'll get there, man.

I wrote a bunch of shit on my hand and didn't look at it.

After we ejected that hockey team,

the party kicked back in and I think everyone had a good time.

I got my second wind now. I'm gonna make it.

You can see how it started really small and really little things.

So the next step is to call Niko in.

It's an unfortunate thing, but it has to be done.

As far as I'm concerned, it's really a waste of time.

But I'm trying to be respectful enough,

listen to what they have to say and go from there.

You're not really happy with your salary, et cetera., et cetera.

So I did some digging and I came across some interesting stuff.

All these grocery bills are full of items

that we don't use in the bar.

I don't know if you wanna scan those and explain.

No, no, there is.

There's stuff like chicken breasts and bacon,

stuff that I had to bring from home

'cause I can't get a check on days that we had scheduled.

So for me to be reimbursed for that, I have to replace things.

So you just take 3,800 dollars of our groceries

and you call that a wash.

No, I don't call it a wash,

and I didn't take 3,800 dollars worth of groceries.

Those are your copies. Look through those if you want.

We have every sales receipt from the kitchen as well.

You can say I stole from you.

You can call me a thief, whatever you want.

I mean, I'm not gonna admit to stealing food.

You're shopping for your household.

You're taking food out of my family and putting it into yours.

You're gonna accused of stealing right now. This is serious.

-Where's my bonuses? -What bonuses?

What bonuses?

-Oh, you didn't offer me bonuses? -Absolutely not.

-Never. -Never?

We got nothing to talk about then.

'Cause obviously he's not gonna admit to anything.

Come on, Niko, time to stop. That's it.

Like, I've had enough.

If you're gonna argue some bullshit point,

give me back my keys and get the fuck out of the building.

Keys for cooler, freezer.

Just needs to be more paper trails, you know,

inventory has to be handled properly.

Things need to be signed for.

People need to be trained properly.

I feel a little surprised

and pissed off about the situation.

But I know Niko will confront me personally

and I know we'll get through it.

We've always been friends, and I know things will be okay.

I always find myself getting into absurd situations.

And I find my interpretation of these situations

has become great material for my jokes.

Let's see here.

People that like to say they're gonna go get their club on,

are people that I'd like to club.

We had some cross dressers in the club last night.

You know, maybe I'm old-fashioned

but I like my women to be female.

Sex would be a lot cooler if it didn't create things

like drama, babies, and jail time.

I never used to like facial hair.

It just kind of grew on me.

Discovering left over icing in my beard is my Christmas.

Live longer by using this one simple trick.

Don't do stupid shit.

Best part of being in the hospital on Sunday morning

is watching the doctor pick his nose for an hour

before he does anything.