Original subtitles

Shit!

- What the fuck was that, Doctor? - I think you know.

I wanna hear you fuckin' say it, Mr Science.

Wait!

Ugh!

Tell me, Doctor, is that as fast as you can run?

I'm afraid so, Mr. Flynn.

Good, it'll catch you first

and I'll be able to get out of here while it's eating you.

Fuck you!

Oh, shit!

Is that what we're looking for, Doctor?

I think it might be, Mr. Flynn.

Do try to at least act excited.

Mercenaries are like hookers, Doctor:

pretending to be excited costs extra.

Simon, here's a test for you.

Can you translate?

Hmm, let me see.

"Entombed here, the Devourer of Children,

the Black Prince,

the Sucker of Souls"?

Sucker. Heh, yeah.

Hey, boss, how's it going?

Slowly.

We've been in this fucking tomb for over an hour.

Would you tell him to hurry up? I'm freezing my tits off back here.

I'll be sure to relay that message, Micky.

Mr. Flynn, this is definitely it.

I will need the rest of the equipment, ASAP.

Okay, Doc.

Ahhh!

Geez...

Doctor!

Doctor!

Oh, fuck me.

Oh, my God, Simon!

Come on, kid. Get out of the way!

What the fuck?

Run!

Micky, Gary, get the weapons ready. We're coming in hot.

Are those boffins trying to grab your bum again?

Yeah, I saw that little one eyeing ya.

Quit fucking around, I'm serious.

Shite! Copy that, chief.

Hold on, Doc.

- Oh. - Shit.

Shit, get back!

It's him, the Impaler. Dracula!

I did not think we would find him alive.

Well, of course you didn't.

And isn't this a fine fucking mess?

Fuck!

Come on, fuck nuts. You want to laugh at me? Go ahead.

I'll cut the smile right off of ya.

What'd he say, Doc?

He said you're a warrior.

God damn right I'm a warrior.

Yes,but he also added that he's looking forward

to eating your still beating heart.

What the fuck, Doc?

- He hates cats. - What?

The legend has it that feeding on them makes his flesh burn.

The locals would torment him by bringing hundreds of cats to the fortress.

Huh. Well, he's not the first man who got in trouble for eatin' a little pussy.

Do you think something held them up?

Huh, I don't know, Gary.

Micky, Gary!

Shut the door!

Oh, so you found one too?

Little pussy here saved our lives.

Yeah, I know it saved my life a few times.

Cut the shit, Gary.

There's a fucking monster out there, and it was gonna eat our asses.

Something was gonna eat your ass?

Now that's a gutsy fashion statement.

Is that real Korean grad student?

- God damn it, Gary. - Oh, no...

Upsy-daisy, fella.

Stop with all the yodeling and tell them what's behind that door.

Because that thing is between us and the only way out.

It is the Impaler.

Isn't that a type of car?

That's an Impala, you stupid cunt.

Oh, right.

So there's a Dracula out there, then?

Not a Dracula.

The Dracula.

Are you serious?

Fuck right off, you weird little man.

It's true. He ate the tiny research assistant.

Anyway, what's the state of play with our ordinance, Gary?

Not particularly tickity, to be honest.

Weren't expecting gunfights with angry vampires.

We've got two boxes of ammo for the P90s, four magazines for the sidearms,

shotgun, couple of old battle maces, bottle of 2000-year-old wine

and I've got a smidge of C4, if it helps.

Why? Why do you have C4, Gary?

Uhhh...

- Cave-ins? - It's not enough.

- What? - I said, it's not enough.

You're not dealing with Taliban terrorists here.

You're dealing with an ancient evil that defeats whole armies

and feasts on their entrails.

Not helping, Doctor.

How big is this fucker?

Where's the fucking cat?

- There's the cats, fucking. - Oh, come on!

You got suggestions, Doctor, now's the time to make 'em.

I'm an archaeologist, Mr. Flynn, not a tactician.

Well, I'm an ex-soldier, not Buffy the fucking Vampire Slayer,

but you don't see me crying in a corner.

Now think, damn it!

This place was built to withstand siege.

There must be other exits.

I think I may have something.

The map marked another egress point.

Secret door! Beautiful.

Hey, boss?

Yes, Gary?

- About that C4... - Do it.

Just don't bring the whole damn castle down on us.

Oh, shit.

Fire!

Door shut, now!

Sounds like he found our little gift.

Shit, sorry!

Every time, Gary!

What? Better too much than too little.

Where did you say this tunnel led to?

More prison cells.

Probably cells for more...

You've got to be fucking kidding me.