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STUART: I deserve good things. I'm entitled to my share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer.

A member of several 12-step programs.

But not a licensed therapist.

I'm going to do a terrific show today.

And I'm going to help people,

because I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley.

And as you know, I am a perfectionist, which is one of my problems,

and that's okay because I own my perfectionism.

Anyway, because I am a perfectionist I tend to be very rigid.

But today I've decided to take a risk and wear a new sweater.

It was sent to me by a recovering sex addict Melissa D.,

who knitted it herself.

She said it gave her something to do with her hands.

And Melissa writes...

"Your show is a lifesaver.

"Since it is on at noon, it allows me to put the focus on me,

"where it belongs and keep it there for the rest of the day."

Well, Melissa, I have some bad news.

Because I was just told by a certain person

who shall go nameless,

that my show will no longer air at noon.

That from now on it will be on at 2:45 a.m.,

following a hair replacement infomercial.

And I am very angry and that's okay.

I now realize that I am entitled to my anger

and that's a big step for me

because I used to be afraid of my anger.

And that's why I stuffed my anger,

and why I also stuffed my face, which is why I weighed

nearly 300 pounds, you know, before I got into O.A.,

Overeaters Anonymous.

Which is where the person who made this decision,

Roz Weinstock belongs, if you ask me,

because she is a grandiose, shame-based overeater,

sick in her own disease, and weighs over 200 pounds,

and has a hideous haircut.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Um, that was...

A big mistake.

I probably shouldn't have said that.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS][MUSIC PLAYING]

I just can't believe I did that.

So, you made a mistake. Human beings make mistakes.

Well, thank you. That's very comforting.

I'm gonna die homeless and penniless.

I'm still 25 pounds overweight.

No one will ever love me. I could...

I could kill myself.

Stuart, that is just stinkin' thinkin'.

You've got to stop beating yourself up over this.

I know. MAN: Ahem.

Psst!

I've gotta go.Ahem!

[SIGHS] Have you had enough time to look at the menu?

We've had enough time to memorize the menu.

I'm sorry, I'm having a personal crisis. Can I take your order?

For my wife, the penne arabiata.

And uh, I will try the osso buco.

You know, the osso buco is extremely fatty. You might want to try the...

I'll try the osso buco.

And also the mixed baby field greens.

Low-cal vinaigrette?

Creamy Caesar. On the side?

On the salad!

Thank you.

And I'd like another double scotch.

No.

What? What am I going to do?

Oh, poor baby.

Why don't you make an amends to her?

Tell her how upset you were about the schedule changes,

and how genuinely sorry you are. She's gotta accept that.

Oh, Julia, you don't know Roz.

She...she's like a cootie or something. I, I can't...

Talk to her.

Hi, Laurie.

I have a 9:30 appointment to make an amends to Roz.

Oh, yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]

Stuart Smalley, for his 9:30.

ROZ: Tell him I'm in a meeting.

She's in a meeting.

I'll just have a seat. I'll sit...

Yes. Yes.

So I'll be seated.

I loved your show.

Really?

I find it very comforting.

[SOBBING]

It's okay. It's okay, Laurie. Mmm-hmm.

Let it hurt. Feel the pain. [SNIFFLES]

I don't know what to do.

Well, there is a support group for people

who live with compulsive gamblers and I think, they could help

a lot more than me.

And, and that would be taking an action.

In fact, that's what I'm doing right now, taking an action.

I want my show back

so I'm making an amends and maybe Roz will forgive me.

She despises you.

Laurie, order me a...

Roz? I, I know you don't want to talk to me.

Actually, I've been looking forward to this all day.

Cheeseburger.

First of all, I have a confession.

When I walked into this building, two and a half hours ago,

I was going to make an amends for calling you

a grandiose, shame-based overeater.

But it wasn't really an amends.

It was just a ploy to get my show back.

Could we cut to the chase?

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I had no right to blow up and call you names.

Because when we attack people, it's...

We're really acting out our own shame.

What's really important here is not whether or not I get my show back.

What matters is, is that I begin to heal my own

self-inflicted wound, by expressing personally to you

just how truly sorry I am for what I did.

Stuart...

I guess I just never realized how deeply you feel about this stuff.

And I'm glad you came today

because otherwise, I might not have had the chance to give you these letters.

"Dear Sir, I have never written to a television station before,

"but when I saw that you canceled Stuart Smalley,

"I just had to say 'Thank you',

"to whoever took that simpering nut case off the air."

[LAUGHS] I've been collecting these.

"Thank you for making it safe to channel surf again.

"If I had to hear any more of

"that touchy-feely New Age drool about letting go or detaching, I would have tied

"my family up and detached their heads!" [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Oh, here's a good one, from a Holocaust survivor in Skokie.

Actually prefers our Skinhead Hour to your show.

[LAUGHS]

[ROZ CONTINUES LAUGHING]

You are a horrible, nasty, dysfunctional...

Weenie!

Julia, right? Hi. Yes, hi.

Okay, now, Carl, Stuart's O.A. sponsor, this is Julia, Stuart's Al-Anon sponsor.

Hi.

I'm Fred, Stuart's Debtor's Anonymous sponsor. Hello.

And this is... Jerry.

Jerry, Stuart's Adult Children of Alcoholics sponsor. Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Well, should we...Yes, let's go.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Stuart? It's Carl.

Look, I know you lost your show and I'm sorry

but shutting everybody out is a form of isolating. You've done this before.

STUART: Go away.

Stuart, it's Jerry. You're in a shame spiral, buddy.

STUART: Tell me something I don't know.

JERRY: Stuart, you're turning the anger inward and that's why you're depressed.

You're angry at yourself for losing the show.

Go away.

Stuart, open the goddamn door!

JULIA: I didn't mean that. I owe you an amends.

We're just here to tell you you're a terrific, wonderful person and we love you.

[SOBBING] I'm sorry.

I'm just not ready to see anybody. Just come back later.

Maybe...maybe when I run out of Fig Newtons.

[PHONE RINGING]

[BEEPS]

[SOBBING] Stuart, it's Jodie.

You have to come home. Aunt Paula died. [SOBBING]

STUART: Dear Journal,

as I am sucked inexorably toward home, I am filled with dread.

But perhaps I can use this trip to come to grips

with some of my family of origin issues.

Trace it, face it and erase it, as we say in Al-Anon.

My father is an active alcoholic, big, stinking drunk

and so was his father, William.

William had two brothers and one sister, my aunt, Paula.

Why, you're in a giddy mood today.

Well, why shouldn't I be? I'm a man blessed

with a three-day weekend after a tough week's work.

I wanna do something wild and abandoned.

STUART: I loved Aunt Paula.

She was an old maid, so she helped

take care of my brother, Donnie, my sister, Jodie and me.

I'd lay across her lap and she'd tickle my back, while we watched TV.

And I'd get goose bumps and laugh atThe Dick Van Dyke Show.

Anyway, Aunt Paula lived a long, full life.

In fact, she outlived all her brothers by 30 years,

basically, because she didn't drink.

There's lots of ways to die from alcoholism,

liver disease, car accidents, sure.

But Smalley men fall off the roof.

[SCREAMS]

In fact, three Smalley men have met their maker while changing the storm window.

Actually, that's not true.

Uncle Frank got smashed one afternoon

and went up on the roof to trim the big elm.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

The doctor said he was dead well before he hit the ground.

So, death is something we Smalleys can pretty much deal with.

It's life that seems to be the problem.

Take, for example, my pot-smoking unemployed brother, Donnie.

I thought Jodie was picking me up.

Tommy slashed her tires again.

But she got a restraining order. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Well, not to be judgmental, but he is the worst ex-husband yet.

How's Dad? What, what's he up to?

About a quart a day. Mom's the one who's driving me crazy.

Believe me, the minute I find work, I am history.

Well, this trip I promised myself to simply detach.

Now, this trip is about Aunt Paula and honoring her

and remembering her and I simply refuse to get enmeshed in the family craziness.

I'm gonna let go and let God and just stay serene.

[ENGINE REVVING]

I totaled the Accord. Hop on.

I thought Minnesota had a helmet law!

STUART: They say you can't go home again. In my case, make that...

You're crazy to go home again.

Seeing my mother is always like a trip to the dentist

before the advent of modern painkillers.

Hi, Mom. Hi.

Oh, be careful, honey. You don't want to get splattered.

Well, you've been busy, lots of food.

Oh, well, as a rule, it's better to have too much than too little.

Or maybe I just don't know how to cook for a funeral.

I didn't mean to be critical, Mom.

It, it's just that, you know, we're gonna have like 20 people.

I mean, Aunt Paula died, not, you know, the Queen of England.

Now, what is that comment supposed to mean?

I know, I'm sorry, I didn't...

It's a beautiful spread, Mom. And, and I owe you an amends.

Amends? Is that one of those funny words that you use in your little TV show?

Well, um, actually I'm not going to be doing that anymore.

It's kind of a mutual decision.

[SCOFFS] They fired him.

Oh. I told you that would happen, didn't I?

Oh, yeah, you did.

MOM: I hope that that helped to prepare you for the disappointment.

Oh, well, what is this?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. It's, it's my... [CLEARS THROAT]

...journal. In fact, I just got it.

Ah.

I plan to write down everything that happens to me,

you know, how I feel about things.

It's going to be pretty much the story of my life.

I got a good title for it, "Waste of Space."

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, Dad.

Uh-huh.

STUART: "Waste of Space." Nice.

That's what Dad always called me when I was growing up.

Hey, Dad, what do you say, you and me tomorrow,

we get really loaded, we go up on the roof, change the storm windows?

Nobody's changing any windows tomorrow.

We got a funeral.

STUART: Seeing Aunt Paula in that coffin hit me pretty hard.

But my sister Jodie went right into a lumbar spasm.

[SOBBING]

You know, Aunt Paula was the best person in this entire family

and nobody gives a damn.

I mean, Dad hated her. Donnie just thinks this is one big joke and...

Well, all Mom cares about is her stupid glazed ham.

You know, Jodie, I think all this stress is going right to your back.

I mean, raising a son on your own.

Tommy slashing your tires, you know, and...

And, and your weight, more of the stress.

So, I was thinking, well...

Stuart, I am not going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

Okay. Forget I said it.

[GUESTS WHISPERING]

Madelyn Doyle. I served in the WACs with Paula.

Hello. Are you Stuart?

Yes, I am.

Oh. I remember you when you were this high.

And this wide.

Thanks for...for coming.

See you at the reception.Uh, no.

Bye-bye.

[GRUMBLES]

DAD: What the hell are they doing here?

They've got some nerve.

They're not coming to the reception.

I'll throw them out of my goddamn house.

STUART: Dad's hated Cousin Ray ever since Ray accidentally" poisoned our dog.

Read about Aunt Paula in the paper, Denise and I couldn't be sorrier.

And I mean that in the sincerest way possible.

Up yours.

I understand it's a difficult time.

Just one question, where do you plan to bury the old soul?

I'm so sad about Aunt Paula.

Why?

Because she died.

Yes. Yes. It's a bummer.

What do you suppose Cousin Ray meant when he asked

where we plan to bury Aunt Paula?

What do you think that was all about?

Oh... He's a jerk.

This is classic Smalley family bullshit.

Ray wants to bury his mother-in-law in the family plot next to Uncle Frank.

Denise's mother? Why...why can't they bury her there?

Well, she's not dead.

After she dies, why can't they bury both Aunt Paula and Denise's mother there?

I thought there were two graves left in the, in the family plot.

You know, unless somebody snuck somebody in there when we weren't looking.

Look. All I know is if Ray Ray wants trouble, me and Dad will give it to him.

Donnie, it's a funeral.

Mind if I move your bong?

No. You know, just, be careful with it.

STUART: Donnie was getting more like Dad every day.

And now that he was living at home again, it was getting even worse.

Dad was not what you'd call a great role model.

As I thought back on our childhood, I remembered he wasn't always so bad.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

-BOY: Donnie, Donnie! Right here! -YOUNG STUART: I'm open! Pass!

BOY: Come on, pass it! I'm open!

I got it! Oops...

Oh, great, just great.

STUART: When we first moved into our house, we lived next door to this guy

who all the kids just hated.

We called him Mean Mr. Dimmit.

I told you kids to keep the ball out of my yard!

-Hut, hut, hike! -BOY: Let's go.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God, it's Dad. Get down.

Dad, Mean Mr. Dimmit stole our ball. Yeah, he just took it.

Hi, Dad.

-Let's go. -Come on

STUART: Dad charged off to find Mr. Dimmit and get our football back.

[OPENS DOOR]

Maybe you'd like to pick on someone with pubic hair?

Huh?

You gonna give me the ball? Or would you like me to shove it up your ass?

You wanna hear my preference?

Nuts.

Okay, let's go home.

It was great. And Dad said, "Why don't you pick on someone with puberty?"

[CHUCKLES] Didn't you Dad?

STUART: That night, all of us just glowed with pride as Donnie and I recounted

the victorious confrontation for Mom,

while Dad held onto that football with his big strong hands.

Dad was our hero, at least that night.

Aunt Paula's last request was for a peaceful, serene funeral.

Lots of luck in this family.

Sure enough, when we got to the cemetery there was

Cousin Ray with two policemen,

and a court order saying we couldn't bury Aunt Paula.

What the hell?

STUART: Dad was pissed.

Mr. Smalley, I'm so sorry, I missed you at the...

You son of a bitch! Mr. Smalley, Mr. Smalley, I'm sorry, but Mr. Lawson

does have a legal contract guaranteeing his mother-in-law

a place in the Smalley family plot.

And since all but one of the graves is currently occupied...

But there's supposed to be two of them! Who's in the other one?

Who the hell did you put in the other grave?

Well, that's for me to know and you to find out.

All right, all right. That's it!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

You know my aunt, Paula, paid for that plot!

With money she could have used to help my family after my father fell off the roof!

I made a ham for your father.

And that's about it.That was not a quality ham!

Now unless you can produce some sort of document, I don't know what else I can...

We're really not very good at organizing, you know, papers, insurance forms,

warranties, that sort of thing, I told Dad to get a drawer.

Uh-huh. You see, Officer, this is really

about alcoholism, which is really a family disease.

[GRUNTS] Ha!

Pull her out.

Please show some respect.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

DAD: I'm a taxpayer damn it!

STUART: That was the first time Dad had actually slugged a cop on purpose.

Cancel the reception.

[GASPS] Are you insane? I made all that food.

My aunt, Paula, is not in the ground.

We are not canceling the reception.

Jodie, Stuart!

You heard Dad. Cancel the reception!

[SOBBING]

God damn it. Do as I tell you.

PRIEST: Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name...

STUART: The next day we laid Aunt Paula to rest in a Catholic cemetery,

even though she was a Presbyterian.

But I don't think that meant she was any farther from her Higher Power.

Dad just glared at Mom throughout the whole thing because she had disobeyed him

and had the reception.

Donnie was in a real bad mood because he hadn't smoked any pot

and had just spent an entire night in a cell with Dad,

who hadn't had anything to drink.

Jodie felt really sick because she had scarfed

the entire seven pound glazed ham at the reception.

And I was upset because now the whole thing wasn't about Aunt Paula anymore.

It was about Dad and his drinking and the whole family craziness.

Then Jodie took my hand and I felt this chill run up my spine,

as if she was saying, it was up to me to save my entire family.

It made me want to jump into the grave with Aunt Paula

and let her tickle my back forever.

As soon as I got back to Chicago,

I put on my pajamas and went to bed... for six days.

Between losing Aunt Paula and losing my show,

it dawned on me that my life really sucked.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Stuart, it's Laurie.

Laurie? I have something for you.

I quit my job, Stuart.

I told Roz I wouldn't work for an abusive boss anymore.

"Dear Stuart, your show gave me the courage to feel my feelings.

"And to feel my feelings about my feelings.

"And my feelings about my feelings about my feelings.

"And my... God bless you.

"Amanda Q."

The people at the support group told me I wasn't

responsible for my boyfriend's debts.

You saved my life!

Maybe that's a little strong.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Thanks for coming, you guys.

Oh, come on in. I've got plenty of cookies.

How're you doing?Great. Yes.

How do I look? Horrible.

Yeah, I know.

Believe me, I don't smell so great, either.

STUART: Laurie brought maybe 100 letters from people who loved my show.

Co-dependents, overeaters, rage-aholics, you know, my people.

It made me realize that I do have a gift, however tenuous.

I shouldn't say that. I have a gift. I have a gift.

Anyway, Julia reminded me that I won't have anything to give,

if I don't take care of me.

♪ You'll be swell

♪ You'll be great

♪ Gonna have the whole world on a plate

♪ Startin' here Startin' now

♪ Honey everything's

♪ coming up roses

STUART: Every morning, like clockwork, a one-mile walk-jog,

because, you know, you don't want to kill yourself.

♪ Blow a kiss.

♪ Take a bow

♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses ♪

STUART: And of course, my meetings, mainly Overeaters Anonymous and Al-Anon.

But Debtors Anonymous too, because I have a lot of money issues.

For example, having very little.

And every day, I remind myself just how far I've come

and how grateful I am to be in recovery.

That attitude of gratitude, it ain't just a platitude.

So for now I'm happy to have my life on an even keel,

because I am an adult and I refuse to live from crisis to crisis.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello. Stuart? It's Jodie.

Donnie's suing me.

Well, why is Donnie suing you, Jodie?

STUART: Jodie was halfway through a Sara Lee going absolutely nuts

because the whole family was ready to kill each other over Aunt Paula's will,

and now she wanted me to come home and fix everything.

So, basically, Aunt Paula left my family her house, which is worth about $60,000.

That makes my share about 12,000,

which, as you know, I need desperately.

So what's the problem?

Or the Gazpacho? I could recommend the Gazpach...

The problem is,

Aunt Paula made Jodie the executor of her estate.

And now Jodie says we can't sell the house because of some problem with the neighbor.

What kind of problem?

I don't know. Jodie was kind of vague.

She's not really very... Oh, what's the word? Um...

Smart, I guess you could say.

And now, Donnie's all upset and he's threatening to sue her.

And Jodie wants me to come home, which I really feel that I should.

But then I think I should just stay out of it,

and even though I really need the money,

I should give Jodie my share.

Listen to me, I'm should-ing all over myself.

Stuart, we all want to go home and save our families, but we can't.

We're not that powerful.

And trying to just makes us feel even more powerless and more screwed up.

I know. I have been through this whole thing myself.

You want my advice? Don't go.

You're right. I shouldn't.

STUART: The Smalleys were never very good with money.

My father grew up in the Great Depression, his mother's.

And there never was much when we were kids.

And for some reason I was always looking for a way to bail the family out.

MAN 1: [SINGING ON TV] ♪ Be a good day

♪ May the Lord always watch

♪ over you

Good night, everybody.

MAN 2: [ON TV] Wow, a car full of cash.

Whose is it?

Nobody's yet. It's first prize in the Ajax Sweepstakes.

Look at all that money. How do you enter?

Easy. Help name the Ajax White Knight.

They got a thousand prizes. Come on, folks. Now, stand back. Please?

ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] Enter the Ajax Sweepstakes. Help name the White Knight.

[WHISTLE BLOWING] And you may ride off with a fortune...

Sir Clean-A-Lot.

ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] ...where you buy Ajax laundry detergent.

OFFICER: [ON TV] No samples, ma'am. You want to win, get an entry blank.

"In case of tie, winner will be determined by earliest postmark."

STUART: I was convinced I had the perfect name.

And got to the post office, at exactly 9:00 a.m., the next morning.

So you've already sent it in?Uh-huh.

[SIGHS] Well...

I just don't want you to be horribly crushed when you don't win.

What was your name again?

Sir Clean-A-Lot. Hmm...

I don't know why I can't remember that.

It's the Ajax White Knight.

He cleans, you know, a lot.

Mmm, well, I don't know.

[CROWD APPLAUDING ON TV]

STUART: When the big night finally arrived,

Dad had a new nickname for me.

Here we go.

Is Sir Eat-A-Lot getting a little nervous? Hmm?

[LAUGHS] Sir Eat-A-Lot.

STUART: I was already nostalgic for Waste of Space.

Now a word from our friends at Colgate-Palmolive.

STUART: At about 8:57 my heart was pounding and I was trying to block

my family out of my consciousness and pray that the name was Sir Clean-A-Lot.

Six weeks ago tonight, we announced

the "Name the Ajax White Knight" contest.

Well, two million entries later we have a winner.

This is it, Sir Eat-A-Lot's moment of triumph.[LAUGHS]

The winner of the "Name the Ajax White Knight" contest

and the winner of a brand new 1967 Pontiac Bonneville filled with cash is...

Mrs. Carl Hesby of Council Bluffs, Iowa.

There must be some mistake, Stuart.

You can't be Mrs. Carl Hesby, can you?

And the name submitted by Mrs. Hesby,

the name of the Ajax White Knight is...

...Sir Lancelot.

Sir Lancelot?

That is a better name. [BOTH LAUGHING]

HOST: [ON TV] Congratulations, Mrs. Hesby, you're a very creative woman.

Your family must be very proud.

DONNIE: [LAUGHING] Sir Clean-A-Lot

DONNIE: Jodie is a liar. Either that or she's just crazy or both.

I mean, the idea of Jodie [CHUCKLES] being in charge of anything.

I mean, just because she went shopping for Aunt Paula a couple of times.

I mean, I took care of her car.

Good point. What's the problem with Aunt Paula's neighbor?

I mean, why can't we sell her house?

'Cause the guy's a jerk.

Part of Aunt Paula's house slops onto his property,

so we gotta pay an easement.

What...what's an easement?

An easement is...

...money that you've gotta pay a guy

when your house slops onto his property.

And Jodie went over to negotiate with him and, like an idiot,

she offers him $3,000, 3,000 for a little easement.

I mean, when Dad heard this, he flipped out.

Your shot. I shoot the stripey ones?

Yeah, the stripey ones.

Anyway, I got this lawyer to handle it, and that's not working out.

And Jodie doesn't trust me and Dad anymore.

So you gotta talk to this guy tomorrow.

I have to?

You gotta try and chisel him down a little.

Beer.

Donnie, how you doing?

Is that your brother?

Yeah.

Hey, Donnie's brother, have a beer with us.

Oh, no, thank you. You see, I don't drink.

Oh, come on, have a beer with us.

Oh, you know, that's really very kind of you, but I just had a diet soda

and I'm a little, you know, gassy.

What, you think you're too good to drink a beer with us?

Is that what you think?

Oh! [LAUGHS] No, no.

Ah! You see, I've always been too scared to drink because

uh, well, I think my family has the gene, you know, for alcoholism.

You know, genetics.

We know genetics. What, do you think we're stupid?

I mean, look, numb nuts, either you drink a beer with us,

or I'm gonna drink it and spit it down your throat.

Maybe just a sip.

Stuart, don't drink it.

He'd better drink it.

Don't drink it.

Look, you lay a finger on my brother, I'll hit you so hard,

your relatives will die.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, no. Yeah.

Donnie, please, stop.

Wait, wait, wait. No. No, wait.

Can I ask you a question?

When you were growing up did your dad ever hit you?

Sure. Of course.

Yeah, I thought so.

Because I think you're acting out the shame

and powerlessness of that tiny frightened child that's still inside of you.

And you might feel a lot better if you could say to your inner child,

"Hello, little child.

"I'm going to protect you.

"And no one will ever hurt you again."

Want to try saying that?

[GRUNTS] [GLASS SHATTERS]

[GRUNTING]

Come here!

Donnie, thanks for standing up for me.

Yeah. No, really, I appreciate it.

Yeah, well, let's just drop it, all right?

Okay.

MAN: [ON TV] He takes up high. He is struck out, bounced into a forced play and walked.

Nine walks and a hit batter

from the Saints staff tonight, here is one hammered down[SNORING]

the left field line, this'll score at least two.

STUART: I've heard everyone's version of this whole dispute

and I am totally disgusted with each and every member of my family.

But get this, Donnie's lawyer isn't charging him a thing.

They're old drinking buddies from the Navy, so he's doing it as a favor.

Some favor.

He's not paying any attention because he's not getting paid.

So the whole thing's just degenerated.

Stuart, you don't have to do this.

You don't have to be the hero.

Oh, God, Julia, there are, there are no boundaries in this household.

[SCOFFS]

Every little thing you do is... [DIALING]

Mom? Mom.

Mom.[DIALING CONTINUES]

Mom. Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

Are you on the phone?

Yes.

[LAUGHS] Well, I'm sorry.

Who are you talking to, sweetheart?

A friend.

Oh, someone I know?

It's my sponsor from Al-Anon.

It's a 12-step group I joined because I come from such a screwed up family.

All right, then. Have a good chat.

STUART: Aunt Paula's house was considered a fixer-upper.

To me it looked more like a blower-upper.

But the big problem was somebody screwed up a long time ago,

and two feet of Aunt Paula's house was on her neighbor's property.

So there was no way we could sell the house

unless I could settle this easement problem with the neighbor.

Hi. Are, are you Orville Egeberg?

I'm sorry. I'm Stuart Smalley.

I would have called you but my sister said that you don't like to talk on the phone.

Um... [CLEARS THROAT] As you know, my aunt, Paula, was your neighbor for, um...

I guess since World War II. I guess you weren't close.

Anyway, when she died, she left the house to my family

and made my sister, Jodie, the executor of the estate.

As you know, we cannot get a mortgage and thus split up the inheritance on the house

until we get the easement from you.

And of course, you have sent Jodie a letter

agreeing to grant us the easement for $3,000,

which she agreed to verbally or orally, whatever.

I thought we had an agreement.

Uh, yes. But the thing is, um...

I am the new executor.

And my father and brother have asked me to come to you,

to try to get the figure, uh...

Down.

STUART: So, I thought this might be a good time for a family meeting,

a chance to give you guys a little update.

Stuart, I gotta pick up Kyle at the pool.

What's this about?

Okay. Um, let's see.

I, um... [CLEARS THROAT] Talked to Mr. Egeberg,

and um, it did not...

...go well.

You fucked up.

Yes. Oh!

So, he won't change the price.

Uh, no. Actually, uh, he did. He did change the price.

Um, now he wants...

Um...

Ten, 10,000.

I don't deserve this! Oh, sure you do!

It was your idea to have this moron talk to the man.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

We still have the letter. He cannot do this.

That's right. That's right. We have the letter.

What letter?

The letter from Egeberg.

Okay, um, this, this is interesting.

I talked to a lawyer who I'm paying for myself.

And he's a very good lawyer. He went to Yale, where the Clintons went.

And he said that by asking Mr. Egeberg to lower his price,

we essentially revoked our agreement.

He can do this. The letter's no good.

I need a drink.

I will never escape this shit.

Stop it! Jesus Christ!

You know, the only thing that's wrong with this family

is that we don't stand up for ourselves.

Now when you talked to this asshole were you two alone?

Yes.

No one around?

No. No one around.

Oh, sorry, I didn't go to Yale. Yes!

Will someone please tell me what's happening?

The conversation never took place.

You know I can't do that, Donnie.

Well, you're just gonna have to choose between us and Egeberg!

No, between you and the truth.

Oh, Jesus.

The truth?

I'll be right back.

Anybody else want a drink? [LAUGHING]

Stuart, I know Donnie can be unreasonable. He almost sued me.

But he's very smart. And sometimes he has some good ideas.

So please, please don't dismiss this lying thing just because Donnie thought of it.

All right, let's talk about the truth.

Some for you.

Some for you.

Some for you.

Xerox copies of Stuart's journal.

I've taken the liberty of underlining some of the more fascinating entries.

"I am disgusted with each and every member of my family"?

"I forgot how much I hate my mother."

"Big, stinking drunk."

Well, nice being home.

I'm just gonna go pack a few things.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not that easy, buddy boy.

We'll see you in court.

[SOBBING]

Mother.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Now! Today I declare emotional independence from my family.

Whoo!

Oh.

Now, come on, you do it. Your turn.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on, it's fun.

No, I don't want to.

Why not? It feels good.

No, I can't.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

So you never go back home?

Nah.

And your mom just never talked about how it happened?

Not really hard to figure out.

She was married to a drunk.

This charming, attractive guy comes along. They have a fling.

And nine months later, me.

You ever meet him?

About two years ago, I tracked him down.

He lives in St. Louis, wife and family.

So I wrote him at work,

"Dear Mr. Ahern, you don't know me, I'm your daughter.

"My other dad knew I wasn't his so he hit me a lot."

Succinct.

So I sent off the letter with a picture of myself.

And a few weeks later, I get this phone call.

He's coming up to Chicago on business, can we have dinner? [CHUCKLES]

Stuart, I was so excited. I'm gonna meet my father.

Well, I walk into the restaurant and I realize,

I have no idea what he looks like.

And this guy walks in,

about 55,

very distinguished,

and he has my eyes,

and my nose.

This is my dad.

We had a lovely dinner.

He was very nice, very charming,

and as we were leaving, in the parking lot,

he made a pass.

Jeez.

So I am moving past the family stuff

and putting the focus where it belongs, on me.

And my inability to trust men. [CHUCKLES]

Oh.

I guess you gotta accept that you just never had a father.

So from now on, when you need one,

I'll be your dad. Okay?

You know, when you're not being my mom.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm so proud of you.

I love you so much.

You're such a wonderful girl.

[BIKE BELL RINGS]

I mean, you really are doing great considering, you know,

the abuse and your real father hitting on you and everything.

Oh, yeah, I'm doing just great.

Well, you are. You got lots and lots of friends and a great career.

You know, I couldn't keep a show on Public Access,

and that's supposed to be some kind of constitutional right or something.

That was not your fault. Well...

[DOG BARKING]

Do you ever watch the Health Cable Network?

I try. They had this whole eyeball operation, I almost threw up.

Well, they also have some pretty good New Age stuff.

Maybe you should send them a tape.

See, the thing is I never actually taped my show.

I was always too scared to watch.

Oh, great, that's healthy.

You know, Marlon Brando never watched any of his movies.

He evidently had the same problem.

Stuart, somebody must have a tape.

Yeah.

Hi.

Um, Stuart Smalley, to pick up a tape and leave.

Oh, yes, it's right here.

But, um, I'm sorry, Ms. Weinstock said she wanted to talk to you first.

I'm sure she's, she's very busy.

I'm sorry. Ms. Weinstock said that the tape would cost...

...$400.

I'm sorry, maybe that's what she wanted to talk to you about.

Sorry.

ROZ: Yeah? Ms. Weinstock?

Yes, I'm sorry, I just wanted to let you know that Stuart Smalley is still here.

ROZ: I'm in a meeting.

I'm sorry. I was just wondering if it'd be all right

if I went on my lunch break.

Oh, a half an hour. Too long.

Okay, 20 minutes? Yes.

All right. I'm sorry.

Can I bring you back something?

Oh. No, thank you.

Sorry.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

The rest is self-explanatory.

The prospectus pretty much tells it all, but I'll be happy to answer any questions.

When exactly do the bonds mature?

The munis mature in 10 years, Treasuries in 15 months.

I'm sorry.

This is inappropriate.

Can I see you for a second, please?

Stuart, you have to return the tape.

I know. You're right.

Ted, how fast can you copy this?

For you? Right away.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Sorry. Sorry.

Ah!

I decided to, uh, get something...

...to eat

Oh, I could have gotten you something. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I...

I lied.

I didn't eat.

That's okay.

Aren't you gonna ask me why I lied?

I mean, what I did after I left?

I'm sorry. Would you like me to?

Is one of your parents an alcoholic?

I'm sorry, that's a personal question.

That's okay.

Right after you left,

I grabbed this tape from your desk and ran out and had it copied.

So, I call the show "Mike's Makeover."

And just change my name to Mike. Not legally of course.

You are the lowest.

Well, then, "Seth's Makeover," I guess.

This tape is the property of the Chicago Public Access Corporation.

And copying it without my permission is a federal offense.

And Mea,

[MIMICS MEA] I'm sorry...

...you're fired.

[WHIMPERS]

You are a hairless, disgusting,

sadistic...

Vagina! [ECHOING]

Since the tape is a recording of programs written and performed by yourself

and since the $400 figure

so egregiously exceeds the fair market value of labor and materials,

there would be absolutely no basis for Ms. Weinstock's complaint

should she decide to file one.

Go away.

Thanks, Bob, appreciate it.

Stuart, there's something else.

I talked to the Health Cable Network.

They love your tape.

Yes! Oh, yes! Yes!

Yes, yes! Oh!

They want me to do five shows a week for four weeks.

Look at this. That's outstanding.

And they're paying you.

And they're paying me. Fred, they're paying me.

I still can't believe it.

Well, believe it. You start taping a week from Monday.

That soon.

Well, that, that's good.

Gives me less time to worry.

Oh, boy.

Would you enjoy this for God's sake?

Hi.

I can't. It's one of my problems.

When anything good ever happens,

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You know that might make a good topic for, for a show.

Stuart, I think you need to stop worrying about all 20 shows.

Let's just take it one show at a time. Okay?

Okay.

[GASPS]

Stuart, look.

Mr. Smalley? Yeah.

Stan Brunner, I'm the director. Thanks for coming down.

Hi. Hi.

Just want to put you in front of the camera.

Make sure everything is set for this afternoon.

Okay. Okay. Have a seat up there.

Thank you.

[WHISPERS] Good, good.

He's a little nervous.

Well, we'll get him in and out in a jiffy.

You have some lunch. This afternoon will go bang, bang, bang.

Stuart, can you turn into the mirror, please?

Sure.

You know I like this already. At the old place nobody cared.

If the show was a disaster, it was a disaster.

We've got you down for 20 shows, right?

Yes. Four weeks, five shows a week.

Well, it's gonna be tight because they're only giving us four hours.

Per show? [LAUGHS] Yeah, right.

Looking good.

Excuse me.

You're not suggesting that you're taping all 20 shows this afternoon?

Don't worry about us. We do this all the time.

Frankly, it's your friend I'm a little worried about.

ALL: God, grant me the serenity...

STUART: Everybody came down and we brainstormed and came up with 20 topics.

Well, 19 actually.

Number 20 is, "I don't have to have a topic."

Carl felt my first show should be "Today I will own my panic,"

since it would be very "in the now."

But I thought I had a better idea.

Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley, and I am so delighted to be here.

And for my first show, I've decided to demonstrate

just how powerful a tool the daily affirmation can be.

You see, all my life I've heard the same things over and over again.

"Stuart, you're not good enough."

"Stuart you're not smart enough."

"Oh, and by the way, Stuart, no one likes you."

You know who's saying all these horrible things?

My mom, well, yeah, my dad, well, him, too.

But mainly these words were coming from me.

That's right, the little Stuart that sits inside my brain

criticizing every little thing I do.

Well, today, to show how the daily affirmation works,

I've invited someone who has even less self-esteem than I do,

if you can believe that.

We'll call her Mea C. to protect her anonymity.

And Mea, first of all, I want to thank you for doing this.

I know how much courage it took.

Mea, can you hear me? Yes, I'm sorry.

You look a little nervous, Mea.

Maybe try to relax a little.

Well, you know... Sorry.

maybe if you just unclenched your body.

Your whole body looks a little, little tight.

Take, take a, a cleansing, big cleansing breath.

[GASPS]Good.

Good. Very, very good.

Now, Mea, I want you

to look in this mirror.

[WHISPERS] All right. Don't look at me.

Only you can help you. That's it. Look in the mirror.

Well, see how pretty you are?

Okay, let's... Let's take those glasses off.

Oh, good. Good. Okay. Let's, let's put the glasses back on.

You look very pretty with the glasses.

Sorry, thank you.

Mea, have you ever noticed that you apologize a lot?

I'm sorry, do I?

Yes, you do.

Uh, it's... No, that's exactly the point.

You see, I want you to look in that mirror, Mea,

and I want you to repeat after me.

"I am a worthy human being."

[MUMBLING] I am a worthy human being.

Okay. I, I really couldn't hear you. Try it again.

Oh. Okay.

I'm a worthy human being?

Now, Mea, it's not a question. Try it again.

I'm... I'm sorry, what is the second part?

Worthy human being. I am a worthy human being.

Just say it.

Am I saying it to you or to myself?

Just say it. I am a worthy human being.

I am a worthy human being.

Now, louder. I am a worthy human being.

Okay. Mean it. I am a worthy human being.

Believe it. I hate you, Mom!

Sorry.No, that was...

That was interesting. That was actually good.

I think we're... I think we're getting somewhere.

Eh, you think your mom might be watching?

She's dead. Oh, good.

STUART: The rest of the shows went great,

except for the "I don't have to have a topic" show

in which I just blanked for five straight minutes.

But the Health Cable Network people were happy with the 19 good shows.

And have decided to play the first one twice.

-It was that good. -Look at me!

Look at me! Talk to me. I'm a human being.

I'm a human being!

Darn you, Mom. Darn you, Mom.

The response has been tremendous.

We want to start running the show three times a day.

That's great, Andy.

So what kind of bump are we talking about?

Bump? Well, we up it to...

$100 a show and $25 per repeat viewing?

Oh, that's okay. You don't have to give me a bump.

That's 750 a week.

Not to mention specials.

[CHUCKLING] Specials. Specials.

He'll sleep on it, Andy. Thanks.

Give me a call.

$750... I could, I could get a car.

The money's not the important thing.

What's important is that you've found a place that really appreciates you.

And that's all you ever really wanted.

A little appreciation.

And I can get a car. Excuse me, Mr. Smalley?

Yes. I'm Tina Best. I work in Sales.

Could I get your autograph? Oh, sure, Tina.

I just love your show.

Oh, you do? I think it's wonderful.

Oh, thank you very much, Tina.

That's so nice.

Thank you.Here you go.

[BOTH LAUGHING] I signed an autograph.

Excuse me. Yes?

Hi. Mr. Smalley? Yes, I am.

Oh.

Oh, wait. You forgot your, uh...

Subpoena.

STUART: So basically the strategy is...

You get me to lie, because if I don't

everyone goes to jail for perjury?

That's your plan?

That's about the size of it.

VON ARKS: Stuart, what's the big deal?

The guy had a stroke. He's a goner.

It's your word against a dead man's.

All you have to do is take the stand and say

your conversation with Egeberg never took place.

Look.

I work a program based on rigorous honesty.

And most of all that means being honest...

With yourself. Christ.

Stuart,

Egeberg's nephew now wants 20,000 for the easement!

[SCOFFS] He can do that?

He's an asshole.

The man is extorting your family and all because...

Oh, I'm sorry to put it this way,

but all because of how badly

you mishandled your duties as executor.

Stuart, you know I want my share of the inheritance

so I can move out of Mom and Dad's.

He's really dying to get out.

But forget about me.

Think about Jodie.

Kyle.

You see where we live. Kyle sleeps on the couch.

I'd sleep on the couch except for my back.

DONNIE: Stuart...

I promise you, if we get through this today,

I will give my share to Jodie.

Oh...

For Kyle.

Do you swear that the testimony you're about to give is the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?

I do. Please be seated.

Could you please state your name for the court?

Uh, Merl Egeberg.

And Orville Egeberg is your uncle?

Was.

He was my uncle.

Yes, I'm very sorry.

LAWYER: You were with him, weren't you?

At your uncle's side when he passed away.

Yes. Yes, I was.

And as he lay on his death bed,

did he say anything about

a member of the Smalley family approaching him

to renegotiate the price of the easement?

Yes, he told me... Objection.

Hearsay. What law school did you go to Mr. Von Arks?

Dying declaration...

Of course it's admissible.

You're overruled. Sit down!

JUDGE: Go ahead, Mr. Egeberg.

[CLEARING THROAT] My, my uncle told me

that Stuart Smalley came to the door

to ask to renegotiate the price of the easement.

Thank you. No further questions.

The defense calls Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley.

STUART: When he said my name I honestly did not know what I was going to do.

I knew how much the money meant to Jodie and...

And Donnie. And how much Dad was counting on me.

And they'd all made it sound so easy.

Lying.

And I knew that if I did lie, we'd win

because it would be my word...

Against a dead man's.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear that the testimony you're about to give

is the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

so help you God?

It was all my fault.

Objection! Mr. Smalley, you haven't been questioned yet.

Everything Mr. Egeberg's nephew said is true.

[GROANS] Oh...

Objection!

Well, it is.

Your Honor, it's quite obvious that this witness is insane.

He's right! My son's a nut!

JUDGE: Order! Order! Come here!

Judge, Stuart's telling the truth.

[CRYING] We lied. Quiet!

DAD: Traitor!

JUDGE: Bailiff, I want order in this courtroom.

No, it's okay. Traitor!

Order! Order!

DONNIE: It's okay. Really.

STUART: It was a nightmare.

The absolute low point of my life,

which is saying something.

Of course, we lost.

But Mr. Egeberg's nephew respected me for telling the truth.

So, he's charging us only $10,000 for the easement.

But Dad was mad anyway,

because the judge found him and Donnie guilty of perjury

and sentenced them each to 100 hours of community service.

Picking up garbage along the highway.

STUART: And all this pain I caused everybody else

was caused by my need to fix everything.

And I realized that

if I'm gonna be any good to anybody else

then I have to work on Stuart.

Because that's the only person I can really fix...

Me. Because what they say is really true.

It is easier to put on slippers

than to carpet the entire world.

Well, this has been a great show.

And you know what? I deserve it.

Because I'm good enough,

I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

Well, stay tuned for Juice Island.

Bye-bye.

MAN: And... Fade.

Terrific show, Stuart. Oh, thank you, Andy.

It's great to have you back. [CHUCKLING]

It was... Oh, wonderful.

Did you really like it? It was great.

What was your favorite part? All of it.

But I have to go back to work.I know. Go.

Congratulations.Thank you. You, too.

Go, go. Oh, did you like the slipper thing?

Go, go.

Stuart, phone. Oh, thank you.

Thanks.

Stuart Smalley.

[CRYING] Dad shot Donnie! Dad shot Donnie.

Jodie?

Where did Dad shoot Donnie?

In the side, in the side.

I mean, where, in the house?

In the side! In the side!

How? With his deer rifle.

Was there an argument? What happened?

No. Dad shot Donnie!

I mean...

Is he going to live?

I don't know,

Dad shot him! I mean, he shot him!

Okay, Jodie, look. I would never ordinarily say this,

but, um...

[CLEARING THROAT] Is there any way you can get to a pound cake?

STUART: I couldn't get Jodie to calm down

and this is a person who lives for crises.

So I called the hospital and asked for Donnie's room

and the phone rang and Donnie picked it up.

And he told me what happened.

He and Dad were up near Brainerd deer hunting

and of course, they were drinking.

A lot.

Well, eventually, they ran out of beer

so Donnie went off to buy some.

I guess he was gone for quite a while

and Dad lost all track of time,

he probably lost all track of everything, he was so drunk.

Anyway, when Donnie finally came back with the case of beer,

Dad heard him stumbling around in the woods...

Thought Donnie was a deer and...

Shot him.

[GUN SHOT]

[THUDDING]

STUART: Hi, Mom.

Are you okay? No.

Is Dad coming out?

I don't know. And I don't care.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Um, is...

Is Donnie okay?

[SIGHS]

I'll get the car.

Okay. See you for dinner. I'm sure Mom is cooking up a storm.

Now, what is that supposed to mean?

Uh, nothing, I just know how much you like to cook.

Mmm-hmm. You know, especially in a crisis.

Are you crazy?

I didn't mean it critically, Mom.

If this is what they teach you

in those 12-Step or 13-Step or 14 or whatever.

It's 12. Twelve steps.

Well, I don't know how I'm supposed to keep track.

This may come as a shock to you,

but I have not had the easiest life.

I know that you think when I'm working around the house

cooking and cleaning and breaking my back...

That I do it because it's fun.

Well, it is not fun!

It is not fun for one single minute!

STUART: Well, at least Mom was beginning to get in touch with her feelings.

Hi, Donnie.

Hey, bro.

Uh, I brought some... magazines.

Well, you, you look good.

No, really, it's hard to believe you were shot.

Well, I'm okay.

Yeah?

Did you see Dad in the hall?

Yeah.

Well, Dad's got a real problem.

Ya think?

He just tried to sneak me a half pint of Jack Daniels

and when I said no...

He went nuts.

You know I, I think that this accident was supposed to happen.

I needed something to scare the shit out of me.

I'm not drinking anymore.

Yeah, no drinking and no drugs.

Ow...

[GROANS]

Okay?

I'm sorry I've been such a lousy brother.

The worst. [CHUCKLES]

Over the years I've always picked on you...

Which is a pretty easy thing to do, you're such a dork.

Thank you.

But I think a lot of it was because I was jealous.

Of me?

You were always trying to do something with your life.

And I thought I was tough, man.

You're the tough one.

[GROANS] We got to do something about Dad.

You want me to shoot him?

Because it worked for you.

I don't know,

but we got to do something.

COUNSELOR: Mrs. Smalley, your children plan to go ahead with this intervention

whether or not you choose to participate.

It would really help, Mom.

It could make all the difference.

What happens afterwards?

I've called a friend at Hazleton, it's a rehab.

They've got a bed waiting for him.

Well, I...

I'm not so convinced he's an alcoholic.

Mom...

Mrs. Smalley, does your husband ever drink in the morning?

This is one of those tests.

Yes, he drinks in the morning.

Does he ever drink alone?

Yes.

COUNSELOR : Has he ever... Shot a family member while drinking?

Yes.

[SIGHS]

If I do this

and it doesn't work,

he's gonna make my life hell.

How's your life now?

[SOBBING]

This could work.

Is there anyone else? Any friends of his

who might be willing to participate?

Uh,

Dad doesn't have any friends who would do this.

The truth is, uh, I'm his best friend.

COUNSELOR: Donnie, if he refuses to stop drinking,

what are you willing to do?

Are you willing to tell your father

that you will completely cut off your relationship with him?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

Don't if you don't mean it. I don't want any of you

to threaten anything you're not willing to follow through with.

I'll say it, I'll mean it.

Me, too.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Mrs. Smalley?

You want this to work?

I just... I just can't.

What can you tell him?

[SNIFFLING] Well...

I'll tell him I'll spend less time taking care of him

and more time pursuing my own interests.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLING] Oh, I don't know. Sorry, sorry.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Pursuing my own interests.

That ought to clinch it. [BOTH CHUCKLING]

You know, it hurts when I laugh.

STUART: The intervention is tomorrow.

Each of us is supposed to tell Dad how his drinking has affected us.

And how it made us feel.

But looking through the old photos I started thinking,

things weren't so bad. They did the best they could.

But then I found some pictures

I thought Mom had thrown out.

They were pictures of us in Hollywood.

It was our big trip to Los Angeles.

Disneyland, the whole bit.

Well, Dad got loaded the last night.

And by the time we got him up

we had about an hour to see Hollywood.

Go, go, go!

Dad, Dad, Bob Hope!

Natalie Wood!

Mom, Doris Day!

Mom, Marilyn Monroe!

Dad, Sophia Loren! Hubba-hubba!

Come on! Let's go!

STUART: Now before the trip,

Dad had promised Jodie he'd take a picture of her

standing in front of the Hollywood sign.

Oh, God!

Ahhh!

Our flight's in 35 minutes.

It's okay, Dad. I don't need the picture.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, oh, no.

I'm not having Mom saying,

"Jodie didn't get her picture because we couldn't get you up."

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Ah, perfect. All right.

Let's go. Outta the car. Come on. Camera!

Hurry up. Hurry up. Come on! All right.

Now, that's good.

Now where's the sign? Ah.

Where's the goddamn sign?

Get, look...

Get out there.

But there are cars!

Move out in the center of the road, God damn it!

Okay.

Oh, my God! There's a car! Hold it.

[HONKING][SCREAMING]

Asshole!

This is insane!

What the hell are you doing over there? Come back.

-No. No. Go back, go back. -Right there.

Jodie...

A little closer to Stuart, sweetheart.

That's right. Yes. Uh-huh. Good.

Uh-huh, that's good.

Look happy! All right.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Ah, God damn it! Find another road!

Stop it, you maniac! Jerk.

Come back!

[MOM WHIMPERING] No! Oh, my God.

DAD: Everybody smile.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS] [HONKING]

[GASPING] [BRAKES SCREECHING]

Cheese! [CAMERA CLICKING]

STUART: The doctors in the emergency room said

if I wasn't so fat I would have really gotten hurt.

The weird thing is we've never talked about it since.

In fact, I think that's when the no-talk rule began in our house.

But at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow,

all that will change.

This guy's a good lawyer?

Yeah.

Says he can keep me outta jail, huh?

Yeah. If you do what he says, yeah.

Mr. Smalley...

Your family has asked me to help them

because of some concerns they have about you.

They have, uh, some things that they'd like to say to you.

And I'm going to ask you just to sit and listen.

Hear them out and then, uh,

then we'll give you a chance to talk.

Can you agree to that? Who the hell are you?

Mr. Smalley I can understand this is real uncomfortable...

Who did this?

Oh-ho, you, huh?

Mr. Smalley, your whole family is concerned.

You know about this guy?

I mean, I hope somebody has told you the whole story.

Why don't you just sit down right here? Hmm?

That's right.

Jodie? You have something to say to your father?

You were drunk in all my weddings.

[JODIE SOBBING]

Did you get to meet her ex-husbands?

Dopey, Drunky and Shithead.

COUNSELOR: You agreed to listen. I didn't agree to anything.

At least I stayed with my ungrateful family

and provided for ya.

None of you went hungry.

That's painfully obvious.

COUNSELOR: Mr. Smalley... Well maybe a man would stay with ya

if you weren't so damn fat. Jesus!

What? I'm under attack here.

It wasn't my fault.

You're an asshole!

Well, you want a piece of me?Yeah. Come on.

All right. Mr. Smalley, please.

[CHUCKLES]

Unbelievable. COUNSELOR: Sit down.

Please. DONNIE: Just unbelievable.

Stuart, do you have something to say?

Dad,

there were a lot of instances in my childhood

when your drinking made me feel bad.

But this is now and I want to talk about now.

I have changed a lot in the last three years.

I mean, I lost

127 pounds

and... [SCOFFS]

I don't think you even noticed.

But more than that, I've made a lot of progress as a person.

And it hurts me.

[SIGHING] That...

You refuse to, to even see that.

Aw, it's okay, Stuart.

I'm here for ya. Come on.

Why don't you give your alcoholic dad a big hug?

COUNSELOR: Mr. Smalley...

Well, isn't that what you do in your 12-step programs?

You know, I think I should organize one of these for you!

Because you're addicted.

You're addicted to 12-step programs.

[LAUGHS]

Come, you'd drink too if you had

Liberace for a son.

Dad, we're both drunks!

And you know what? You're dangerous.

The alcohol has made you dangerous.

To yourself and to all of us.

You've scarred all of us. I mean, look at me.

I haven't done shit with my life.

And that's all my fault? No. It's not all your fault.

But stuff happened.

That made it hard.

You remember my first year at Kennedy?

New school. New kids.

You know, I actually got up the courage to have a party.

Remember?

Down in the basement we were playing records and stuff?

And you got so drunk

you fell down the stairs in front of everybody.

That just... That just never happened.

[SCOFFING] Oh...

Mrs. Smalley?

Maybe if you just cut down a little.

After the holidays.

Jesus.

Why did we do this?

There is one more piece of information, Mr. Smalley.

This is the letter from the District Attorney of Hennepin County

regarding your hunting accident.

It says, if you don't get help,

you go to jail.

Hmm...

If this is what it's like in rehab.

Send me to jail.

I'll talk to you at home.

Well, that was fun.

[SIGHS]

STUART: That night I had this dream.

It's a recurring dream I've had most of my life.

I'm holding Dad in my arms and he looks up at me.

His eyes just look into mine and seem to say...

"I'm sorry I'm so helpless.

"Thank you for saving me."

[MOUTHING] I love you. STUART: "I love you."

And that's the end.

I can't take this.

You see, the thing is, I have nothing to spend it on.

You could spend it on yourself.

No, I can't. Actually, that's one of my problems.

I'm an anorexic spender.

I'll pay you back.

Whenever.

They called your bus.

Um,

I don't think I'm coming back for Christmas.

I have to get on with my life.

Yeah.

It's going to be weird not being home.

I'll miss the, uh, fighting mainly.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

You guys gonna be okay?

MAN: [OVER SPEAKER] Final call...

Ah, take care of Kyle. And yourself.

You, too.

Go to meetings.

You know where I am.

And get a sponsor.

And the whole thing was just a humongous disaster and...

Mom and Dad won't talk to me.

And I told Jodie and Donnie that I just, I won't be coming back.

Which means I'll be having Christmas

without my family for the first time ever.

And that's okay.

Because I have lots of friends, and believe me,

we're going to celebrate.

Because when it comes to partying,

no one gets down like people in recovery.

It's true!

But still I know it's going to be a bumpy time for me emotionally.

And that's okay. I have to accept that.

Because as we say in program,

"Alcoholism is a threefold disease.

"Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's." Isn't that clever?

Anyway, I guess I've finally given up the fantasy of the Smalleys

ever having a Norman Rockwell Christmas.

Or a Norman Rockwell anything for that matter.

And that's progress, I guess.

And as we say,

"Progress, not perfection."

So, Merry Christmas!

And always remember,

you're good enough, you're smart enough

and doggone it, people like you.

MAN: Clear.

Okay. Let's party!

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

Merry Christmas, Stuart.

Jerry... Thank you for coming. Oh, so moving.

Merry Christmas.

Mea... Merry Christmas.

I think you're great. Oh, I love you, too.

I think you're just great.

I know. Okay.

That's, that's good. Okay.

Merry, merry Christmas.

I'm sorry. That's... that's okay.

You two. Hi...

You didn't put that on plastic did you?

Oh, no, cash only.

Sorry to take your inventory.

[CHUCKLING] Congratulations. Thank you.

Ah, can you excuse me?

Sure.

That was a great show. I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

Um, about Christmas dinner,

I'm going to have to give you a rain check.

Because I'm going to Ohio.

I called my family and I've reconciled with...

Well, pretty much all of them.

That's amazing. It's, it's a miracle.

No, it's a joke.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

We're going to have a great Christmas.

The best ever.

Come on, I want you to meet some of my friends.

Okay.

This is Julia, she's my best friend. This is my big brother.

Hi, Julie. Don. [CHUCKLES]

Come on. Let's meet everybody.

♪ Grab your coat and get your hat

♪ Leave your worries on the doorstep

♪ Just direct your feet

♪ To the sunny side of the street

♪ Can't you hear that pitter-pat

♪ And that happy tune is your step

♪ Life can be so sweet

♪ On the sunny side of the street

♪ I used to walk in the shade

♪ With all my blues on parade

♪ But I'm not afraid

♪ This rover, crossed over

♪ If I never have a cent

♪ I'll be rich as Rockefeller

♪ Gold dust at my feet

♪ On the sunny side of the street

♪ I used to walk in the shade

♪ With all my blues on parade

♪ I was ugly and lonesome

♪ But I'm not afraid

♪ 'Cause this rover He got crossed over

♪ If I never have a cent

♪ I'll be rich, as rich Rockefeller

♪ Gold dust at my feet

♪ On the sunny side of the street

♪ Oh, yeah, on the sunny CHORUS: ♪ Sunny

♪ The sunny, sunny side of the street

♪ Ha ha ha