Original subtitles

♪ You know it's gotta be G'd up ♪

♪ The kind of show that make you cowards get beat up ♪

♪ We on the outs until we caught it and go do bids ♪

♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

All right. Come on, Ma.

Let's hurry up and get to church so I can see my boys.

Church is for getting your soul right

with the Lord, not silly things like playing with your friends.

It's also not about you embarrassing me

in front of my friends.

So let me get that cold out your eyes.

Come on, Ma. Stop, no, that's nasty. Ew.

You're embarrassing me in front of all the crackheads

and homeless people.

And that's hard to do because we suck dick for spare change.

I don't care what they think.

You're my responsibility, not theirs.

I can't wait till Robert gets back

from his tour of all those historically Black colleges.

I hate being an only child.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Then Jesus said, you will know the truth,

and the truth will set you free.

Jesus must have done time because he

knew what he talking about.

Freedom is beautiful, just like you, boo.

I'm talking freedom.

The Lord wants us to be free.

See how much I'm improving?

Just a month ago, I would have slapped

the Holy Ghost out that dude.

But my freedom kept me in check.

Mom, no. Come on, stop.

You're messing up my waves for the babes.

Jesus don't care about your waves.

Now, we need to use our gift of freedom

to provide those in need with a helping hand.

Lord knows. congregation: Amen.

I'm so glad you agree with me, saints,

because there is a child among us who needs our helping hands.

This young man's father lost his freedom

to the system years ago.

Amen, brother.

And his mother, sadly, is going away

for a short time herself.

- So shameful. - Mm-mm.

- So trifling. - So neglectful.

Yeah, I could use a little bit of that neglect myself.

So he needs the care of a loving family

to watch over him until his mother is

once again among us.

Come up here, young man.

Man, not Dirty Dante.

I'll get the usual.

The smell, it burns!

Whew!

Whoo, that's the funkiest kid I ever smelled in my life.

Hallelujah!

Oh, my God.

Oh, it smells bad.

Oh, that foul smelling baby.

- Oh, baby. - Oh, Lord.

That's that poor boy who got shot

the night I brought you to the ER with me.

Doesn't anybody want to take this child in?

Maybe God put this baby in my path for a reason.

Mom, no. Look, he'll be fine.

Dante's like a roach, okay? He'll outlive us all.

I just want everybody to know that I don't eat much.

And I don't use a lot of water.

Or soap.

Oh, my Lord.

We do have a little room now with Robert away.

Mom, look, don't get sucked into this.

I'm telling you, I'd never live it down.

If the dirtiest kid in Philly comes to stay with me,

he'll make our house smell like armpits and boo-boo

and spoiled fruit cocktail.

But his mother is going away to jail.

No, no, no, no, his mother is not exactly--

She made some bad choices.

But we can't hold that against that poor baby.

He needs a good mother, which I am.

I'm a great mother.

I'll do it.

Well, here comes the roasting.

Kev, you're gonna need to wear a hazmat suit

just to breathe at your crib.

Kevin Hart's gonna turn into Kevin Fart.

You are a true angel, Sister Hart.

I'm but a willing vessel of the Lord.

He knows I'm here to--

Yes, yes, Lord, Hallelujah! Amen.

I got to go. Bye.

Dante, I'm so sorry about your mom having to go away.

Where are they taking her to?

Atlantic City.

Atlantic City?

What institution is out there?

Caesar's Palace.

That's her bus right there.

A casino?

I tried to tell you, Mom.

Now, Dante, baby, go and pray for your mom

and wish me luck, because when I'm sitting in front

of that slot machine and them three cherries come up,

I'ma be thinking of you.

You're leaving your son with me to go

on a stupid gambling trip?

Stupid gambling?

I'll have you know, playing that nickel slot is my career.

Mm-mm, baby, it put more food on my table

than any man ever did.

That's true.

Mama always comes home with the shrimp

from the Emperor Nero buffet.

Jumbo shrimp?

Not just jumbo shrimp-- they almost prone.

And I mean, these shrimps got driver's license.

So don't you say I neglect my son,

'cause baby, when it come to being a good mother,

Tinky Singletary takes a backseat to no one.

Now leaving for Atlantic City.

I call the backseat.

♪ What's a sunny day without you ♪

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

They got one of them mugshot caricature artists here.

Oh, my gosh.

That's the bomb. Can we go over there?

Go ahead, kids, and remember not to smile.

- Hell yeah. - Bitches.

Pew, pew, da-da-da.

Life on the outside is sweet.

From now on, I'm gonna be a career non-criminal.

I'm glad it's all working out.

Do you ever miss your time in the joint, or miss anybody?

Why would I? I got my whole life here.

I got you, my freedom, and my sweet kids.

Daddy, can we go see "The Lion King"?

I heard it's about an OG lion that gets smoked.

Then his kid comes back to cap the motherfucker who did it.

Sound like a plan to me.

What do you say, Allison?

Oh, I'd love to, but I have to go teach

a new class, uh, in prison today.

I'll see you guys later.

I didn't know she was teaching cons again.

Why is she acting so weird?

Dang, Mom, I think he's broken.

Uh, Dante? You okay?

Oh, my God, your oven actually works?

We just use ours to keep our broken remote controls

and empty bread bags in it.

What's wrong with that kid?

He's like a baby bird that just hatched and then fell

out of the nest onto his head.

That's what I was trying to tell you,

but you wouldn't listen. - Oh, well.

What are we gonna do with him?

I say we lock him up in Robert's room

with a few Hot Pockets till his mom comes back.

We can't do that, silly.

Just hang out with him until dinner is ready.

Hang out with him?

I can barely breathe the same air as him.

You have a point there.

I know what job one is.

Dante, sweetheart-- what the hell?

How did it get so filthy in here?

We were only gone for two minutes, tops.

Mom, you just got Danted.

Kevin, take our guest to the bathroom

and explain to him what a shower is.

I'll try.

Come on, Dirty D.

Ooh, your TV has knobs?

Oh, my God, Dante, you're light skinned.

Who knew, under all that dirt?

How long has it been since you had a proper shower?

Um, when was the last time it rained?

Meatloaf, mac and cheese, and green beans?

Again?

Oh, can I just make myself a sandwich?

What's wrong with you, Kev?

This is the best meal I've ever had.

Macaroni and cheese?

See, Kev?

You can learn a little about gratitude from Dante here.

And because of that gratitude,

I'm going to wash and iron your clothes for school tomorrow.

Oh, man. Can you hook me up too?

Nope.

Your too-grown behind can do it yourself.

I still can't believe y'all got covers on your beds.

And if you get a little cold during the night,

we have extra blankets in the hallway closet.

Y'all got a hallway?

Jesus, Lord.

Look, I don't need any of that stupid mothering stuff anyway.

I'm too old for that crap.

♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪

Is she singing him my song?

So what?

I don't care.

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪

You got mockingbird money?

Agh!

Ms. Greene know I'm trying to leave jail behind,

but she keeps bringing it up, telling me she fears

for niggas still locked up.

And now she going back there to teach.

So?

So maybe she's starting not to feel me no more,

because I'm no longer about that life.

Here we go.

I'm just saying, maybe she only wanted me

because I was a hardened criminal,

and now that I'm trying to switch it up,

she ain't with it.

Shit got me all fucked up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Somebody fucked with you, Richie?

Who do I gotta ride on?

Whoa, whoa. Hold up, Chincy.

Hold up. It's not like that.

It's just my girl, sending me mixed signals and shit.

Oh, okay.

Love is complicated, brother.

I won't shoot her then.

Good old Chincy.

Always up to smoke a motherfucker for a friend.

Now, Richard, I think you're tripping.

That woman loves the fuck out of you.

I mean, I've heard of crazy people

out there with criminal fetishes,

but my craydar tells me Ms. Greene ain't like that.

I knew it.

She's got a criminal fetish.

She's gonna leave me and start hooking up

with one of those hardcore dudes in the joint.

Come on, Richard, you gotta trust her.

Okay, you're right.

I do.

And I'll prove it.

With a trap!

Ms. Hart, can you read to me like they do

on that show, "Family Matters"?

I'd be delighted to.

It's been so long since I got to read a book to Kevin.

Yeah, well, that's 'cause I know how to read on my own.

I read chapter books, punk.

Kevin, why don't you go play with Soupy

and Loopy or whoever?

Gladly.

My saint for this kid.

Now, dear Dante, what would you like me to read to you?

Uh, "Pimp" by Iceberg Slim.

My uncle mama's boyfriend left it when he went to work

Super Bowl week in Pasadena.

Uh, well...

Of course.

Now, snuggle up.

God help me.

Chapter 1: Birth of a Player.

Stupid, Dirty Dante, funking up the bathtub,

stealing my mom.

I thought you said your mom was always

all up in your business.

Pop. Dang it.

No matter how it broke, it broke, and I win.

Let's go again.

She is, or she was.

But now she's all up in Dante's business.

Yeah.

In your face, spoon.

Will you stop playing Spoon Pop?

Okay, this is some serious Mom stuff I'm dealing with.

- Oh, sorry. - My bad.

Yeah, I'll show her, though.

When she yells for me to come in

when the street lights come on,

I won't come in, not right away.

And then you know what's gonna happen?

She's gonna come out all mad and be like,

Kevin Darnell Hart, get your natural Black behind in here.

Kevin.

And I'll be like, so the lights are on.

So what, Mom?

You can't make me.

Then she'll be like-- - Kev, Kev!

The street lights are already on!

Ooh.

Dang, she's still reading to him.

She's acting it out and everything.

Kev, you're not getting this.

You're a free man now.

Yeah, you got some mom who don't give a shit

what you doing, just like us.

You know, I've been tripping.

This isn't a bad thing, because now I can do whatever I want.

I'm free. I'm free!

It's Kev after dark.

♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my mind ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

♪ Y'all gon' make me go all out ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

♪ Y'all gon' make me act a fool ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my cool ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

♪ I bring down rain so heavy it hurts the head ♪

♪ No more talking, put him in the dirt instead ♪

♪ You keep walking, less you tryna end up red ♪

♪ Cause if I end up fed y'all end up dead ♪

♪ He ain't playin' with y'all, he ain't playin' with y'all ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' y'all can do now ♪

"'You best get me my money, Patchy Joe,' I demanded.

The very next day--"

Don't make me cut a bitch.

So sweet.

Spoon fucking pop.

God dang it.

$5, pay up.

And no food stamps this time.

I guess it's ketchup packets and tap water for lunch

Monday, again.

Yo, yo, yo.

Can Lil Kev get a little action?

Just a little birthday card money

from my Aunt Tina in Tampa.

Fancy schmancy.

That's what I'm talking about.

Be forewarned, nigga.

This bad boy is from Wawa.

Wonder Spoon will give it a shot.

- Oh! - What?

Look at the bend back on that bitch.

Let's pop.

Okay.

Okay, here she comes.

Omar, you know the plan.

We've been over it a hundred times.

I'll act all hardcore thug

and then see if she wants me to, as you say,

"get all up in her guts."

That's right.

Now, you gon' be tempted, but try not to tap that ass.

I'll try.

Hey, Omar.

You said you wanted to discuss some artistic ways

to spruce up this lovely, lovely apartment.

Damn straight.

I was thinking maybe a nice pastel

to set off the toilet sink.

Look, look. They on the bed already.

You know that's the only furniture we got, Richie.

They smiling.

They laughing, about how she wants to get freaky with him.

Richie, you need to take a chill pill.

No fucking way.

Richard really did that?

Yeah, he was a riot in that riot.

Get your hands off my woman's fat white ass.

Richard, what are you doing?

No, what are you doing?

We're just talking.

Talking about how much you wanna fuck him

while I watch across the street with binoculars?

What?

Man, it ain't even like that, Richard.

Like hell it ain't.

You not feeling me like you used to

'cause I'm not thug enough no more.

You got a type, don't you?

Yes, you.

Come on, Wonder Spoon.

Hang in there now.

Kev needs a new pair of Jordans.

Dang, he broke the spoon.

It's over.

It's never over.

That's right, a tablespoon, bitches.

Now, that's a spoon. Double or nothing.

Kev, thanks to you, I'm learning to read,

so I'll take it easy on you.

You're already in the hole 15 big ones.

Walk away before this gets out of hand

and I have to beat your ass to collect my money.

I said, double or nothing.

Richard, I'm happy you're moving on with your life

on the outside.

That's what this week was about.

I've been going back to the prison

to sketch your friends there for this.

I was gonna paint it on canvas and give it to you.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold up, hold up.

You were doing this for me?

Only for you, boo bear.

And thank you for restraining yourself

and not jumping all over her.

It was hard because I like women so much.

Ooh, we better hurry up and get to church.

I can't wait to thank the Lord for you, Ms. Hart.

Kevin, get your natural Black behind up

and dressed for church.

I said, get off that bed and--

Kevin, where are you?

Ready or not, here it comes.

He popped hisself.

Time to pay up, bitch.

Perhaps we can work out some kind of layaway plan?

Kevin!

I would never even think about leaving you, Ms. Hart.

Take your behind in the kitchen and eat a cookie.

My baby is missing.

Kevin!

Kevin.

Kevin! Kevin!

Kevin Hart!

Mmm, Smitty, that is one good goddamn

breakfast burrito cocktail.

Uh-huh.

You know, the difference is the poached eggs.

- Harry. - Nancy!

Kevin didn't come home last night,

and I can't find him anywhere!

Oh, Lord.

Okay, Nancy.

Don't you worry, baby.

We'll find him together.

Pour that devil hooch out, Smitty.

I told you, I don't want it no more.

But I do.

Kevin!

- Kevin! - Kevin!

Kevin! Where are you, son?

It's okay you didn't come home last night.

I just wanna know you're safe. - Kevin!

Mom, Dad, I lost money to gamblers,

and they wanna kill me.

You what?

Oh, you better pay up.

Hang in there, son.

Kevin, come to mama.

Mom! Mom, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I got mad at you for neglecting me for Dirty Dante

and I did all the stuff that you don't let me do,

and I got in real big trouble.

- Mm-mm. - Jesus.

That ain't right.

Oh, that's a neglectful mother.

- For shame. - Leave her alone!

She's a single mama with a handsome, deadbeat husband.

Mm!

I was wrong to neglect you, Kevin.

I guess I enjoyed having a son to baby again.

But you will always be my baby.

I love you.

I'm truly jealous of your family, love.

But I'm still gonna have to put a hurt on Kev

if he don't pay up.

That's just the rules of the streets.

I got this.

I'll get you your money.

How much does Kevin owe you?

$60.

Ooh.

Six--$60?

Well, look, on the bright side, at least we got another kid.

Time to pay up.

I want my money.

How about shrimp?

15 pounds, straight from the Caesar's Palace buffet.

Emperor Nero jumbo coconut?

Well, of course.

That's worth, like, 80 bucks, easy!

You got yourself a deal.

I'm the king of seafood.

This is good, shells and all, baby.

Thank you for helping me save my son from himself.

Oh, that's okay.

I was just returning the favor for you taking care of my son

while I was at work.

It was a pleasure looking after him.

Uh, yeah, but where the hell he at?

Dante!

Hello, Ms. Hart.

Who the hell is this light-skinned kid?

Mama, you're home.

Baby.

And you smell like cocktail sauce

and watered down well drinks.

I'm sorry for judging you so harshly.

I understand how hard it is to be a single mom.

We gotta work together. - Yes, we do.

Why don't you and Dante come by for dinner sometime?

That would be nice.

Well, just let me know when you wanna stop by.

No time like the present. Let's get busy, son.

My God, y'all got a lot of boxes of Rice Baloney.

And Mama, they got proto cake here.

We in the promised land, Dante.

Don't tell me my God don't know my wishes.

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ Happy day ♪

♪ Oh, happy day ♪

♪ When Jesus was ♪

♪ Oh, when he was ♪

♪ When Jesus was ♪

♪ When Jesus washed ♪

♪ Washed my sins away ♪

♪ Oh, happy ♪