Original subtitles

♪ You know it's gotta be G'd up ♪

♪ The kind of show that make you cowards get beat up ♪

♪ We on the outs until we caught it and go do bids ♪

♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪

♪ Come on, can't take the hood out of me ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear 39-year-old beautiful ♪

♪ Smart community leader me ♪

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

One year until I turn the big four-zero.

Now, what do I want to do before the wheels fall off

and it's time for me to get a favorite chair to die in?

Fall in love with a man who wears drawers.

Stop waiting to exhale and just do it, for God's sake.

Finally buy a working answering machine.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Mom. How are you?

When you were born,

I wrote your birthday down in the family Bible.

OK. No greeting, as usual.

But then in '58, we had that cold spell

where the pipes burst, and the Bible,

ooh, it got a little bit damaged.

Not exactly breaking news, Mom.

Well, I just finally dried and unwrinkled the pages.

Ooh!

You are gonna get a kick out of this.

For some reason, I doubt that.

You were born in '53, not '54!

Say what now?

You were born a year earlier, so you're not 39 today.

You're 40! - Huh?

Aren't you tickled by that?

It tickled me.

Nay-Nay, you there?

This is a long-distance call, you know.

Anyway--

Oh, my God!

- Happy birthday! - Happy birthday, sis!

Ma!

You're supposed to blow out the candles, not knock them out.

I just found out that I'm not 39!

I'm 40!

Oh, crap!

Yard down!

Everybody get the hell outta here!

Uh-oh. Better warn Dad.

Hey, Dad, I got some important news to tell you about Mom.

Not now, son.

I'm working on a masterpiece for your mama's 39th birthday.

I'm not 39! I'm 40!

That's major.

Well, I better figure out another gift for your mama.

Everybody know you don't get a woman

a junk sculpture for her 40th.

That's some 39-year-old shit.

Now, do you know anybody that does cheap bikini waxing?

Calm down a little, sis.

Try to lower your mood from riot to unrest.

Calm down?

Richard, do you have any idea

how it feels to lose a whole entire year of your life?

No. Uh, wouldn't know nothing about that.

Super-fine diva divine to the rescue!

Loretta, you came!

Two time "Jet" magazine beauty of the week

in the flesh.

Oh, I dropped everything

the second I heard your pathetic, sobbing message.

Oh, Lord!

Loretta's here now.

Look at you, still thicker than cold peanut butter.

And look at you.

Your legs still thinner than a diet TV dinner.

Hello?

Sad, old-ass friend over here.

Oh, my God.

This is worse than I thought.

You fellas clear out.

Dr. Loretta needs room to operate.

Drink this.

I'm like a St. Bernard with less nipples.

My life is over!

Please, Lord, don't take me home yet!

Let me at least collect my Social Security!

Girl, come here. Don't talk like that.

You ain't dead yet.

You still hotter than fish grease.

And I'm here to take you out on the town

and help you bury your 30s with a bang, literally.

You'd really do that for me?

Hell yeah.

Remember what we did on your 20th birthday?

Oh, I remember.

I got food, alcohol,

and condom poisoning that night.

Girl, you're welcome.

And tonight is gonna be even bigger and better.

Loretta, you are such a good friend.

Always trying to make me my best self.

I just want to show the world the queen that you are.

Now let's get you hoochie-fied.

I hate to see Nancy feeling bad.

She's so gorgeous.

Girl so fine, I'd leave my wife for her,

if she wasn't already my wife.

Dad, good news.

Mom's gonna be OK. She feels a lot better now.

What a relief.

I love when problems resolve themselves

with no action on my part.

Her friend Loretta's gonna take her out and get her,

uh, what did she call it?

Hoochie-fied.

"Loose Coochie" Loretta?

My sworn nemesis.

She been the devil on your mother's shoulders for years.

She's a bad influence on Mom?

The worst!

She the one who introduced her to me.

This outfit you got me in is so tight,

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get a yeast infection.

Well, the trick is to not wear drawers, girl.

They don't call me "Loose Coochie" for nothing.

I'll just pick up some peroxide and vitamin C

on the way home.

All aboard the SS "Sassy Sisters."

Loretta, this car!

Now you notice this the same limo

from the opening credits from "Diff'rent Strokes."

Todd Bridges rents it out

to pay for his debilitating cocaine addiction.

How lucky are we?

Kev, Loretta is bad news!

She always trying to hook your mom up

with some man that ain't me!

That woman ain't right!

Girl, stop. You a fool, you a fool.

Hey.

Hey! Where do you think you going with my lady?

Henry, I am not your lady anymore.

You just sit here and keep getting wasted.

I got this.

Your time here is up, buddy.

Do you know the best way for a woman

to get over some old dick?

Uh, a vibrator?

Some new dick.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna get her.

After tonight, your ashy, funky junk

will be just an afterthought.

You are dismissed, nigga.

Well, that's it.

Loretta's about to make your mama the mayor of Freakytown.

She was the best thing that ever happened to me

and I let her get away.

Might as well go back to the pipe.

Here you go.

Dad, no.

If Mom finds a new guy tonight,

that means I might get a new dad.

And we don't know anything about this dude.

What if he works on a farm?

Or what if--what if we gotta move to the Dirty South?

And I don't know the first thing about milking a cow.

So no, Dad, you will not be giving up on Mom,

and I will not be wearing a 12-gallon hat.

My head's too little for that.

You right, son. And it is our job to stop her.

To save your mama birthday,

we gotta ruin your mama birthday.

Oh, excuse me, mister.

My wife is in that limousine, and I need to stop her.

I don't have any money,

but I-- - Take it! Don't shoot me!

David Duke warned us about this!

I guess sometimes stereotypes work out in your favor.

All right, let's go.

Kev, now you gonna have to drive

'cause I don't wanna get another DWI.

Well, I don't know how to drive.

And you haven't been drinking.

I spoke too soon.

Last year, I felt horrible

because I didn't get Mom anything for her birthday.

This year, I do everything right,

and it still blew up in my face.

What's the point?

Point is your mom does everything

for this family, and you need to show her

how much you appreciate her!

Now, too bad your cake got fucked up,

but you gotta man up and try again.

I don't have new cake money.

Well, lucky for you,

your uncle was the lead baker in prison.

We're gonna make sis one of my famous pruno cakes.

Pruno, nigga? Mom's not gonna want a prison cake.

Just because it comes from the pen,

like me, don't make it bad.

Are you saying I'm not motherfucking delicious?

I'm not saying anything anymore.

Good.

Now grab that big bag of oranges

growing green fur on 'em under my bunk in the basement.

I was gonna let 'em fester for a little while

to poison somebody, but we'll give 'em to your mom instead.

♪ Oh, I'm in love ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪

The Scintillations? Oh, Loretta, you didn't.

Oh, yes, I did... n't get tickets.

But just like the night you turned 20,

girl, I am getting you in to see the Sultans of Swoon.

Remember when they sang

"Who Will Be My Forever Girl Tonight?"

Ooh, yes.

I tried to toss my panties on this stage

and they ended up in the third row.

Who knows how different my life would have been

if I got 'em up there?

Mm.

Just know a dream deferred is a dream denied, girl.

Now let's go get scintillated.

Whoo!

Dad, who are the Scintillations?

Dear God.

The Velvety Voices of Vagina.

Ooh, it's so cold out here,

I'ma freeze to death in this little outfit.

We won't be out here long.

We gonna get in just like we did when we were 20.

By wiggling our hips and flashing our nips.

Mm. Yeah, that was a whole bunch of stretch marks ago.

We still got it.

Time to hoochie our way inside.

Hey, hold up. Where y'all think y'all going?

I know you're not trying to stop the two sexiest ladies

in Philly from getting in this concert.

Did she mention she's not wearing any underwear?

I'm good.

Look, can you just please help

a couple seasoned bitches out?

It's my friend's birthday

and she's the biggest Scintillations fan

on the planet.

Please.

Well, I normally don't do this,

but she reminds me of my mama.

She not in the best of health right now.

Like your friend, she's also an old ho!

Old ho?

Young man, I'll have you know that I am--

That we are more than grateful.

We gotta work with what we got.

I told you we was getting in.

Now, let's go see if we can use our charms

to get somebody to buy us something to eat.

- Yeah, that's right. - Mm.

Those wings look good as hell.

They are pretty damn tasty.

Me and my gorgeous girlfriend here are really, really hungry.

Right, Nancy? - Famished.

Now, I'd be more than happy to share my wings with you.

- Thank you. - Still got it.

Now, lookie here.

Which one of you do I get to fuck first?

Well, it's her birthday.

What the hell?

I'm not having sex with some old creep

for a few measly wings.

Not my dress! Damn it!

I told you we were gonna eat for free.

Ain't no thang but a chicken wing.

You feel me?

White people got a lot of ashtray money.

Way more than us Blacks.

We just use our ashtray for ash.

We gonna have enough money for two tickets, some popcorn,

and a couple of free waters!

God damn it.

Why do crooner niggas have so much staying power?

Do you still have a thing for the little girl

that lives up the street?

Do I? I've been in love with Rhe Rhe since kindergarten.

Well, let me give you a bit of advice

that I wish I knew when I first got with your mama.

Don't steal her jewelry.

And don't smoke the oregano from that spice rack,

especially when she making spaghetti.

Dad, I had no plans to do any of that stuff.

But thanks anyway. - Well, that's good.

Because then someday you won't find yourself

having to do crazy stuff like this

to get her to love you back.

Sir, you gotta help me.

My wife is in there with her slutty friend

who's trying to get her turned out.

And if I don't stop her,

she gonna be just another suck-dick-stic.

Sorry, you're not getting in.

Well, guess that's it.

No, it isn't.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, hold up. Is that smack?

Even better.

It's pure, uncut name-brand insulin,

direct from a white guy's glove compartment.

Now, I know you got somebody in your family

who could really use some of this.

Mama!

You gonna get to keep your foot!

These seats are terrible.

My coochie do not belong in the rafters.

Well, not until after its retirement ceremony.

I see Loose Coochie at 12 o'clock.

You spotted Loretta?

No.

Just a woman whose vagina been around the block a few times.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the one, the only, the sexiest band in the land,

the often imitated,

only four times equaled, The Scintillations!

Oh, sing that song! Come on!

They look a little old.

Good thing we don't.

Let's go.

♪ Let me love ♪

Come on. Come on!

♪ You're gonna need a tissue or two ♪

- Excuse me. - Excuse you, excuse you.

Excuse you. Coming through.

That's them right there, crawling on the floor.

Sound like Loretta.

The only thing looser than her coochie's her knee joints.

Let's go, son.

Hey, hey.

Where do you two think you're going?

All right, time to take out the big guns.

Damn. You strapped?

Sure am.

I'm talking about the tig ol' bitties.

Unhook me, girl.

Ah, oh, no! My eye!

Excuse me. Out of my way.

Out of my way. Come on, let's clear it out.

♪ Fruit juice goes in the plastic bag ♪

♪ The peel comes off the orange ♪

♪ And then we come out with the orange ♪

♪ Hide it behind the door hinge ♪

Whoops.

What the hell are you doing?

Do you think this is a fucking game?

We're making pruno, Negro!

Jesus, why are you taking this stupid stuff so serious?

Stupid?

Is surviving a seven-year sentence stupid?

When you in the joint, you find the little things

to make life just a tiny bit enjoyable or you snap.

That means staying close to the people

that give a fuck about you, like your mom.

And it's her special day today

and we gotta go the extra mile for her.

All right, Unc. I'll be better this time.

We gotta do this for Moms. - Word.

Now peel that orange the right way

and toss it in the bag with the bread heels

and the cough syrup.

This shit finna be good.

Right now is the time of our heart,

where we sing a very special song

to a very special lady.

Here we go!

I'm your special lady!

Now, this song asks a very simple question.

♪ Who will be my forever girl tonight? ♪

I knew it, girl!

Nancy, it's go time. Toss your panties.

What? No, I'm not doing that!

Girl, this is your chance to rectify

what happened when you were 20.

The lead singer is gonna pick you

to be his forever lady.

For tonight.

I am too old for this, Loretta.

You are tossing panties.

I'll use one of my spare panties if I have to.

You can thank me when

these get you some Scintillations birthday dick.

But I don't want Scintillation birthday dick.

together: ♪ Who will be my forever girl ♪

♪ Tonight? ♪

♪ Girl, you lookin' so right ♪

♪ Who will be my forever girl ♪

It's the moment of truth, Kev.

My chance to save your mama from old R&B dick.

Time for me to pull out the big guns.

Oh, no, not the titties again.

I'm gonna do what you too scared to do.

Watch this.

Loretta, no!

Huh?

[low-pitched Get 'em, tiger!

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God!

- Good. - Damn.

- They missed. - They missed.

Could someone hand me those panties with my info on them?

- That was you? - It wasn't me.

You get Buffalo sauce all over me, and now this?

You got some nerve with yo fake-ass Salt-N-Pepa bob.

Oh, no you didn't.

Nobody touches my hair!

all: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Oh, my God! Get off of me!

Oh, hell no.

This ain't happening on my friend's 40th birthday.

Get out the way.

Hey! Hey! Come here!

You're going to concert jail.

God damn it, arrested again.

Dad, they're taking Mom away. Now what are we gonna do?

Save her, of course.

It's a masterpiece.

You made a masterpiece.

Wemade a masterpiece.

We finally did Mama right.

This some hardcore convict shit right here.

Now get the rainbow sprinkles, nigga.

- Drinks on me. - Uh-huh.

I can't believe I'm turning 40 in a holding cell

in the basement of the Pepsi Clear Theater.

What was I thinking, putting on this dumb outfit,

letting you throw my panties?

I'm not 20.

I'm just an old, boring-ass bitch.

Yes, you are.

I've been free all my life.

Never had a husband, never had no kids, neither.

I've been coming to this theater for decades.

I can't count the amount of panties

I've gotten on that stage, and I definitely can't remember

the number of celebrity and roadie dicks I done sucked.

And if I had it to do all over again,

I would have kept my drawers on,

settled down with a regular nigga,

and had some regular kids.

I would kill for your life, young lady.

Be happy your underwear never reached that stage.

You might be me if they had,

a washed-up old groupie

who tried to bite a popcorn man's finger off.

Thank you, ma'am.

I needed to hear what you just said.

You are my hero.

Well, then my work here is done.

Loretta, I just want this night to be over.

I want to go home to my boys.

I'd even be happy to see my no-good husband again.

Hey, hey, you ho! Let my hoochie wife go!

Henry?

Hey, baby.

You look amazing.

In--in a streetwalking kind of way.

Mm, well, if it ain't Ms. Loose Coochie.

Still ruining lives, I see.

The only person ruining anything around here is you,

long-balled-havin', no-drawers-wearing,

hairline-receding,

French-onion-soup-smelling bum bitch!

Oh.

You is really the one to talk with your elephant cankles,

titties touching your knees-- - Stop it! Stop it!

Just stop it!

- Yeah, stop it, Henry! - Yeah, stop it, Loretta!

Both of you stop it.

Just shut the hell up and stop treating me

like a pawn on a chess board.

I am not a child.

I'm a proud, grown-ass lady,

and I will not be made to feel ashamed.

I am proud of you too, Mama.

Kev, you shouldn't see your mama like this.

What are you doing here?

I was worried about you.

Why are you worried about me?

I mean, you punched Robert's cake,

and you were crying all day saying your life was over

and that you wasted your youth.

Kind of sounded like you were saying

you wasted your youth on us.

No, sweetheart, I was just feeling things today.

But let me make this clear.

I never regret having you kids for even a second.

Now, whose idea was it

to bring a 12-year-old to a Scintillations concert?

Mr. Guard, I'm 40 years old. I'm better than this.

This is all on me.

Let my son and husband go,

but put me away as long as you must.

Ma'am, what the hell are you talking about?

Hey, you can leave right now.

The show's over and I'm off the clock.

Shit, I'm just making minimum wage anyway.

Loretta, thank you for trying to make

my last night in my thirties a special one.

But now it's time for me to go home

and be the 40-year-old that I am.

And it's time for me to be the hoochie that Iam.

Turns out he has a thing for old hos.

Who knew?

I just want to go home.

Madame, your random white guy's Oldsmobile awaits.

Say what now?

Long story, Mom.

Mom, I want you to be my forever girl forever.

Kev, I will always be your forever girl.

This guy has Klan literature in here.

♪ I need you now ♪

group: ♪ Who will be my forever girl ♪

♪ Tonight? ♪

♪ Girl, you lookin' so right ♪

group: ♪ Who will be my forever girl ♪

♪ Tonight? ♪

♪ Who, baby? ♪

♪ Looking at all the beautiful women in the crowd ♪

♪ Mm, we lock eyes ♪