Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:12,136
♪ You know it's gotta be
G'd up ♪
2
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:14,654
♪ The kind of show that make
you cowards get beat up ♪
3
00:00:14,655 --> 00:00:17,412
♪ We on the outs until
we caught it and go do bids ♪
4
00:00:17,413 --> 00:00:19,343
♪ Man, you know the streets
ain't for kids ♪
5
00:00:19,344 --> 00:00:21,379
♪ Come on, can't take
the hood out of me ♪
6
00:00:23,931 --> 00:00:25,895
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
7
00:00:25,896 --> 00:00:28,861
♪ Happy birthday,
dear 39-year-old beautiful ♪
8
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:32,964
♪ Smart community leader me ♪
9
00:00:32,965 --> 00:00:35,067
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
10
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:38,205
One year until I turn
the big four-zero.
11
00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:41,378
Now, what do I want to do
before the wheels fall off
12
00:00:41,379 --> 00:00:45,067
and it's time for me to get
a favorite chair to die in?
13
00:00:45,068 --> 00:00:49,447
Fall in love with a man
who wears drawers.
14
00:00:49,448 --> 00:00:53,792
Stop waiting to exhale and
just do it, for God's sake.
15
00:00:55,379 --> 00:00:59,757
Finally buy
a working answering machine.
16
00:00:59,758 --> 00:01:01,102
Hello?
17
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:03,136
Oh, hey, Mom.
How are you?
18
00:01:03,137 --> 00:01:04,585
When you were born,
19
00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:07,619
I wrote your birthday down
in the family Bible.
20
00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:09,757
OK.
No greeting, as usual.
21
00:01:09,758 --> 00:01:12,688
But then in '58,
we had that cold spell
22
00:01:12,689 --> 00:01:15,240
where the pipes burst,
and the Bible,
23
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:17,550
ooh, it got
a little bit damaged.
24
00:01:17,551 --> 00:01:19,309
Not exactly breaking news,
Mom.
25
00:01:19,310 --> 00:01:23,136
Well, I just finally dried
and unwrinkled the pages.
26
00:01:23,137 --> 00:01:25,274
Ooh!
27
00:01:25,275 --> 00:01:27,999
You are gonna get a kick
out of this.
28
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,792
For some reason,
I doubt that.
29
00:01:29,793 --> 00:01:33,999
You were born in '53,
not '54!
30
00:01:34,965 --> 00:01:36,550
Say what now?
31
00:01:36,551 --> 00:01:39,930
You were born a year earlier,
so you're not 39 today.
32
00:01:39,931 --> 00:01:42,654
You're 40!
- Huh?
33
00:01:42,655 --> 00:01:44,964
Aren't you tickled by that?
34
00:01:44,965 --> 00:01:46,654
It tickled me.
35
00:01:48,137 --> 00:01:49,136
Nay-Nay, you there?
36
00:01:50,551 --> 00:01:52,378
This is a long-distance call,
you know.
37
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:53,688
Anyway--
38
00:01:53,689 --> 00:01:55,999
Oh, my God!
39
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,930
- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday, sis!
40
00:01:59,689 --> 00:02:01,343
Ma!
41
00:02:01,344 --> 00:02:03,999
You're supposed to blow out the
candles, not knock them out.
42
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,792
I just found out
that I'm not 39!
43
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,516
I'm 40!
44
00:02:08,517 --> 00:02:09,757
Oh, crap!
45
00:02:09,758 --> 00:02:11,274
Yard down!
46
00:02:11,275 --> 00:02:13,240
Everybody
get the hell outta here!
47
00:02:13,241 --> 00:02:15,620
Uh-oh.
Better warn Dad.
48
00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:18,964
Hey, Dad, I got some important
news to tell you about Mom.
49
00:02:18,965 --> 00:02:20,550
Not now, son.
50
00:02:20,551 --> 00:02:23,895
I'm working on a masterpiece
for your mama's 39th birthday.
51
00:02:23,896 --> 00:02:27,930
I'm not 39!
I'm 40!
52
00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:30,378
That's major.
53
00:02:30,379 --> 00:02:33,309
Well, I better figure out
another gift for your mama.
54
00:02:33,310 --> 00:02:34,964
Everybody know
you don't get a woman
55
00:02:34,965 --> 00:02:37,274
a junk sculpture for her 40th.
56
00:02:37,275 --> 00:02:39,516
That's some 39-year-old shit.
57
00:02:39,517 --> 00:02:42,205
Now, do you know anybody
that does cheap bikini waxing?
58
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,654
Calm down a little, sis.
59
00:02:46,655 --> 00:02:50,757
Try to lower your mood
from riot to unrest.
60
00:02:50,758 --> 00:02:52,102
Calm down?
61
00:02:52,103 --> 00:02:54,516
Richard, do you have any idea
62
00:02:54,517 --> 00:02:58,343
how it feels to lose a whole
entire year of your life?
63
00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:02,000
No. Uh, wouldn't know
nothing about that.
64
00:03:02,689 --> 00:03:05,930
Super-fine diva divine
to the rescue!
65
00:03:05,931 --> 00:03:07,964
Loretta, you came!
66
00:03:07,965 --> 00:03:10,378
Two time "Jet" magazine
beauty of the week
67
00:03:10,379 --> 00:03:12,136
in the flesh.
68
00:03:12,137 --> 00:03:13,688
Oh, I dropped everything
69
00:03:13,689 --> 00:03:16,757
the second I heard
your pathetic, sobbing message.
70
00:03:16,758 --> 00:03:20,171
Oh, Lord!
71
00:03:20,172 --> 00:03:21,688
Loretta's here now.
72
00:03:21,689 --> 00:03:25,378
Look at you, still thicker
than cold peanut butter.
73
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:26,792
And look at you.
74
00:03:26,793 --> 00:03:28,861
Your legs still thinner
than a diet TV dinner.
75
00:03:30,931 --> 00:03:32,309
Hello?
76
00:03:32,310 --> 00:03:34,999
Sad, old-ass friend over here.
77
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,343
Oh, my God.
78
00:03:36,344 --> 00:03:38,412
This is worse than I thought.
79
00:03:38,413 --> 00:03:39,757
You fellas clear out.
80
00:03:39,758 --> 00:03:42,343
Dr. Loretta needs room
to operate.
81
00:03:42,344 --> 00:03:43,964
Drink this.
82
00:03:43,965 --> 00:03:47,447
I'm like a St. Bernard
with less nipples.
83
00:03:47,448 --> 00:03:49,792
My life is over!
84
00:03:49,793 --> 00:03:53,033
Please, Lord,
don't take me home yet!
85
00:03:53,034 --> 00:03:55,516
Let me at least collect
my Social Security!
86
00:03:55,517 --> 00:03:57,481
Girl, come here.
Don't talk like that.
87
00:03:57,482 --> 00:03:59,240
You ain't dead yet.
88
00:03:59,241 --> 00:04:01,274
You still hotter
than fish grease.
89
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,999
And I'm here to take
you out on the town
90
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,688
and help you bury your 30s
with a bang, literally.
91
00:04:06,689 --> 00:04:08,412
You'd really do that for me?
92
00:04:08,413 --> 00:04:09,792
Hell yeah.
93
00:04:09,793 --> 00:04:12,205
Remember what we did
on your 20th birthday?
94
00:04:12,206 --> 00:04:13,826
Oh, I remember.
95
00:04:13,827 --> 00:04:15,516
I got food, alcohol,
96
00:04:15,517 --> 00:04:17,240
and condom poisoning
that night.
97
00:04:17,241 --> 00:04:19,067
Girl, you're welcome.
98
00:04:19,068 --> 00:04:21,723
And tonight is gonna
be even bigger and better.
99
00:04:21,724 --> 00:04:24,240
Loretta,
you are such a good friend.
100
00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:26,895
Always trying
to make me my best self.
101
00:04:26,896 --> 00:04:31,274
I just want to show the world
the queen that you are.
102
00:04:31,275 --> 00:04:33,481
Now let's get you hoochie-fied.
103
00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:36,240
I hate to see
Nancy feeling bad.
104
00:04:36,241 --> 00:04:38,895
She's so gorgeous.
105
00:04:38,896 --> 00:04:41,171
Girl so fine,
I'd leave my wife for her,
106
00:04:41,172 --> 00:04:42,585
if she wasn't already my wife.
107
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:44,999
Dad, good news.
108
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,688
Mom's gonna be OK.
She feels a lot better now.
109
00:04:47,689 --> 00:04:48,964
What a relief.
110
00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,964
I love when problems
resolve themselves
111
00:04:50,965 --> 00:04:52,516
with no action on my part.
112
00:04:52,517 --> 00:04:54,550
Her friend Loretta's gonna
take her out and get her,
113
00:04:54,551 --> 00:04:56,033
uh, what did she call it?
114
00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:57,412
Hoochie-fied.
115
00:04:57,413 --> 00:04:59,895
"Loose Coochie" Loretta?
116
00:04:59,896 --> 00:05:02,102
My sworn nemesis.
117
00:05:02,103 --> 00:05:05,240
She been the devil on your
mother's shoulders for years.
118
00:05:05,241 --> 00:05:06,964
She's a bad influence on Mom?
119
00:05:06,965 --> 00:05:08,205
The worst!
120
00:05:08,206 --> 00:05:10,378
She the one who
introduced her to me.
121
00:05:13,068 --> 00:05:15,654
This outfit you got me in
is so tight,
122
00:05:15,655 --> 00:05:18,067
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna
get a yeast infection.
123
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:20,585
Well, the trick is
to not wear drawers, girl.
124
00:05:20,586 --> 00:05:22,654
They don't call me
"Loose Coochie" for nothing.
125
00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:25,205
I'll just pick up some
peroxide and vitamin C
126
00:05:25,206 --> 00:05:27,000
on the way home.
127
00:05:27,724 --> 00:05:30,447
All aboard the
SS "Sassy Sisters."
128
00:05:30,448 --> 00:05:32,378
Loretta, this car!
129
00:05:32,379 --> 00:05:34,033
Now you notice
this the same limo
130
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,343
from the opening credits
from "Diff'rent Strokes."
131
00:05:36,344 --> 00:05:37,723
Todd Bridges rents it out
132
00:05:37,724 --> 00:05:40,033
to pay for his
debilitating cocaine addiction.
133
00:05:40,034 --> 00:05:42,171
How lucky are we?
134
00:05:45,655 --> 00:05:48,792
Kev, Loretta is bad news!
135
00:05:48,793 --> 00:05:50,619
She always trying
to hook your mom up
136
00:05:50,620 --> 00:05:52,999
with some man that ain't me!
137
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,102
That woman ain't right!
138
00:05:56,655 --> 00:05:59,102
Girl, stop.
You a fool, you a fool.
139
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:02,171
Hey.
140
00:06:02,172 --> 00:06:04,481
Hey! Where do you think
you going with my lady?
141
00:06:04,482 --> 00:06:06,895
Henry, I am not your lady
anymore.
142
00:06:06,896 --> 00:06:09,481
You just sit here
and keep getting wasted.
143
00:06:09,482 --> 00:06:11,654
I got this.
144
00:06:11,655 --> 00:06:14,343
Your time here is up, buddy.
145
00:06:14,344 --> 00:06:15,516
Do you know the best way
for a woman
146
00:06:15,517 --> 00:06:17,481
to get over some old dick?
147
00:06:17,482 --> 00:06:19,412
Uh, a vibrator?
148
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,895
Some new dick.
149
00:06:20,896 --> 00:06:22,964
And that's exactly what
I'm gonna get her.
150
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:25,585
After tonight, your ashy,
funky junk
151
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,447
will be just an afterthought.
152
00:06:27,448 --> 00:06:29,343
You are dismissed, nigga.
153
00:06:36,413 --> 00:06:38,033
Well, that's it.
154
00:06:38,034 --> 00:06:41,067
Loretta's about to make your
mama the mayor of Freakytown.
155
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,688
She was the best thing
that ever happened to me
156
00:06:43,689 --> 00:06:45,964
and I let her get away.
157
00:06:45,965 --> 00:06:48,067
Might as well
go back to the pipe.
158
00:06:48,068 --> 00:06:51,033
Here you go.
159
00:06:51,034 --> 00:06:52,136
Dad, no.
160
00:06:52,137 --> 00:06:53,654
If Mom finds a new guy tonight,
161
00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:55,102
that means
I might get a new dad.
162
00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:56,792
And we don't know anything
about this dude.
163
00:06:56,793 --> 00:06:58,205
What if he works on a farm?
164
00:06:58,206 --> 00:07:00,274
Or what if--what if we gotta
move to the Dirty South?
165
00:07:00,275 --> 00:07:02,171
And I don't know the first
thing about milking a cow.
166
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:04,999
So no, Dad, you will not
be giving up on Mom,
167
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,550
and I will not be wearing
a 12-gallon hat.
168
00:07:07,551 --> 00:07:08,895
My head's too little for that.
169
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:11,585
You right, son.
And it is our job to stop her.
170
00:07:11,586 --> 00:07:13,274
To save your mama birthday,
171
00:07:13,275 --> 00:07:15,964
we gotta
ruin your mama birthday.
172
00:07:15,965 --> 00:07:17,447
Oh, excuse me, mister.
173
00:07:17,448 --> 00:07:19,447
My wife is in that limousine,
and I need to stop her.
174
00:07:19,448 --> 00:07:20,619
I don't have any money,
175
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:21,826
but I--
- Take it! Don't shoot me!
176
00:07:21,827 --> 00:07:24,136
David Duke warned us
about this!
177
00:07:24,137 --> 00:07:28,378
I guess sometimes stereotypes
work out in your favor.
178
00:07:28,379 --> 00:07:29,792
All right, let's go.
179
00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,757
Kev, now you gonna
have to drive
180
00:07:31,758 --> 00:07:33,412
'cause I don't wanna
get another DWI.
181
00:07:33,413 --> 00:07:34,723
Well,
I don't know how to drive.
182
00:07:34,724 --> 00:07:36,482
And you haven't been drinking.
183
00:07:38,344 --> 00:07:39,619
I spoke too soon.
184
00:07:44,137 --> 00:07:45,516
Last year, I felt horrible
185
00:07:45,517 --> 00:07:47,792
because I didn't get Mom
anything for her birthday.
186
00:07:47,793 --> 00:07:49,654
This year,
I do everything right,
187
00:07:49,655 --> 00:07:51,619
and it still blew up
in my face.
188
00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:52,861
What's the point?
189
00:07:52,862 --> 00:07:54,930
Point is
your mom does everything
190
00:07:54,931 --> 00:07:57,171
for this family,
and you need to show her
191
00:07:57,172 --> 00:07:58,895
how much you appreciate her!
192
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:01,102
Now, too bad your cake
got fucked up,
193
00:08:01,103 --> 00:08:02,930
but you gotta man up
and try again.
194
00:08:02,931 --> 00:08:04,516
I don't have new cake money.
195
00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:05,861
Well, lucky for you,
196
00:08:05,862 --> 00:08:08,619
your uncle was
the lead baker in prison.
197
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:11,343
We're gonna make sis one
of my famous pruno cakes.
198
00:08:11,344 --> 00:08:14,205
Pruno, nigga? Mom's
not gonna want a prison cake.
199
00:08:14,206 --> 00:08:15,895
Just because it
comes from the pen,
200
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,067
like me, don't make it bad.
201
00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:21,516
Are you saying I'm not
motherfucking delicious?
202
00:08:21,517 --> 00:08:23,309
I'm not saying
anything anymore.
203
00:08:23,310 --> 00:08:24,412
Good.
204
00:08:24,413 --> 00:08:25,861
Now grab
that big bag of oranges
205
00:08:25,862 --> 00:08:28,688
growing green fur on 'em
under my bunk in the basement.
206
00:08:28,689 --> 00:08:30,585
I was gonna let 'em fester
for a little while
207
00:08:30,586 --> 00:08:33,309
to poison somebody, but we'll
give 'em to your mom instead.
208
00:08:34,724 --> 00:08:36,619
♪ Oh, I'm in love ♪
209
00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:41,240
♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪
210
00:08:41,241 --> 00:08:44,964
The Scintillations?
Oh, Loretta, you didn't.
211
00:08:44,965 --> 00:08:48,240
Oh, yes, I did...
n't get tickets.
212
00:08:48,241 --> 00:08:50,378
But just like the night
you turned 20,
213
00:08:50,379 --> 00:08:55,240
girl, I am getting you in
to see the Sultans of Swoon.
214
00:08:55,241 --> 00:08:56,550
Remember when they sang
215
00:08:56,551 --> 00:08:58,309
"Who Will Be My Forever Girl
Tonight?"
216
00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:00,033
Ooh, yes.
217
00:09:00,034 --> 00:09:02,861
I tried to toss my panties
on this stage
218
00:09:02,862 --> 00:09:04,964
and they ended up
in the third row.
219
00:09:04,965 --> 00:09:06,861
Who knows how different
my life would have been
220
00:09:06,862 --> 00:09:08,930
if I got 'em up there?
221
00:09:08,931 --> 00:09:10,309
Mm.
222
00:09:10,310 --> 00:09:14,378
Just know a dream deferred
is a dream denied, girl.
223
00:09:14,379 --> 00:09:16,033
Now let's go get scintillated.
224
00:09:18,137 --> 00:09:19,481
Whoo!
225
00:09:20,689 --> 00:09:22,757
Dad, who are
the Scintillations?
226
00:09:22,758 --> 00:09:24,826
Dear God.
227
00:09:24,827 --> 00:09:28,378
The Velvety Voices of Vagina.
228
00:09:31,448 --> 00:09:32,895
Ooh, it's so cold out here,
229
00:09:32,896 --> 00:09:34,792
I'ma freeze to death
in this little outfit.
230
00:09:34,793 --> 00:09:36,343
We won't be out here long.
231
00:09:36,344 --> 00:09:39,171
We gonna get in just like
we did when we were 20.
232
00:09:39,172 --> 00:09:41,550
By wiggling our hips
and flashing our nips.
233
00:09:41,551 --> 00:09:45,688
Mm. Yeah, that was a whole
bunch of stretch marks ago.
234
00:09:45,689 --> 00:09:46,930
We still got it.
235
00:09:46,931 --> 00:09:49,723
Time to hoochie our way inside.
236
00:09:52,448 --> 00:09:55,033
Hey, hold up.
Where y'all think y'all going?
237
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:57,619
I know you're not trying
to stop the two sexiest ladies
238
00:09:57,620 --> 00:09:59,826
in Philly from getting
in this concert.
239
00:09:59,827 --> 00:10:03,240
Did she mention she's
not wearing any underwear?
240
00:10:03,241 --> 00:10:04,723
I'm good.
241
00:10:04,724 --> 00:10:05,792
Look, can you
just please help
242
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:07,378
a couple seasoned bitches out?
243
00:10:07,379 --> 00:10:09,171
It's my friend's birthday
244
00:10:09,172 --> 00:10:10,688
and she's the
biggest Scintillations fan
245
00:10:10,689 --> 00:10:11,654
on the planet.
246
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:12,757
Please.
247
00:10:14,965 --> 00:10:17,688
Well, I normally
don't do this,
248
00:10:17,689 --> 00:10:20,205
but she reminds me of my mama.
249
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:22,481
She not in the best of health
right now.
250
00:10:22,482 --> 00:10:25,240
Like your friend,
she's also an old ho!
251
00:10:25,241 --> 00:10:26,757
Old ho?
252
00:10:26,758 --> 00:10:28,895
Young man, I'll have you know
that I am--
253
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,999
That we are more
than grateful.
254
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,757
We gotta work with what we got.
255
00:10:35,310 --> 00:10:37,067
I told you we was getting in.
256
00:10:37,068 --> 00:10:39,033
Now, let's go see
if we can use our charms
257
00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:41,619
to get somebody
to buy us something to eat.
258
00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:43,412
- Yeah, that's right.
- Mm.
259
00:10:43,413 --> 00:10:45,067
Those wings look good as hell.
260
00:10:45,068 --> 00:10:49,136
They are pretty damn tasty.
261
00:10:49,137 --> 00:10:53,378
Me and my gorgeous girlfriend
here are really, really hungry.
262
00:10:53,379 --> 00:10:55,550
Right, Nancy?
- Famished.
263
00:10:55,551 --> 00:11:01,826
Now, I'd be more than happy
to share my wings with you.
264
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,481
- Thank you.
- Still got it.
265
00:11:03,482 --> 00:11:05,033
Now, lookie here.
266
00:11:05,034 --> 00:11:07,999
Which one of you do
I get to fuck first?
267
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,619
Well, it's her birthday.
268
00:11:09,620 --> 00:11:10,895
What the hell?
269
00:11:10,896 --> 00:11:12,930
I'm not having sex
with some old creep
270
00:11:12,931 --> 00:11:15,792
for a few measly wings.
271
00:11:16,896 --> 00:11:19,931
Not my dress!
Damn it!
272
00:11:22,034 --> 00:11:23,688
I told you
we were gonna eat for free.
273
00:11:23,689 --> 00:11:25,481
Ain't no thang
but a chicken wing.
274
00:11:25,482 --> 00:11:28,723
You feel me?
275
00:11:28,724 --> 00:11:30,550
White people got
a lot of ashtray money.
276
00:11:30,551 --> 00:11:32,171
Way more than us Blacks.
277
00:11:32,172 --> 00:11:35,033
We just use our ashtray
for ash.
278
00:11:35,034 --> 00:11:37,619
We gonna have enough money
for two tickets, some popcorn,
279
00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:39,481
and a couple of free waters!
280
00:11:40,586 --> 00:11:42,067
God damn it.
281
00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:46,240
Why do crooner niggas have
so much staying power?
282
00:11:46,241 --> 00:11:47,895
Do you still have a thing
for the little girl
283
00:11:47,896 --> 00:11:49,481
that lives up the street?
284
00:11:49,482 --> 00:11:52,343
Do I? I've been in love with
Rhe Rhe since kindergarten.
285
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:54,619
Well, let me give
you a bit of advice
286
00:11:54,620 --> 00:11:57,240
that I wish I knew when
I first got with your mama.
287
00:11:58,862 --> 00:12:01,171
Don't steal her jewelry.
288
00:12:01,172 --> 00:12:03,964
And don't smoke the oregano
from that spice rack,
289
00:12:03,965 --> 00:12:06,930
especially when
she making spaghetti.
290
00:12:06,931 --> 00:12:09,067
Dad, I had no plans
to do any of that stuff.
291
00:12:09,068 --> 00:12:11,102
But thanks anyway.
- Well, that's good.
292
00:12:11,103 --> 00:12:13,171
Because then someday
you won't find yourself
293
00:12:13,172 --> 00:12:15,447
having to do crazy
stuff like this
294
00:12:15,448 --> 00:12:17,482
to get her to love you back.
295
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,171
Sir, you gotta help me.
296
00:12:21,172 --> 00:12:23,033
My wife is in there
with her slutty friend
297
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:24,895
who's trying
to get her turned out.
298
00:12:24,896 --> 00:12:26,930
And if I don't stop her,
299
00:12:26,931 --> 00:12:29,171
she gonna be just another
suck-dick-stic.
300
00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:31,619
Sorry, you're not getting in.
301
00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:33,930
Well, guess that's it.
302
00:12:33,931 --> 00:12:35,412
No, it isn't.
303
00:12:35,413 --> 00:12:38,378
Yo, yo, yo, yo, hold up.
Is that smack?
304
00:12:38,379 --> 00:12:39,654
Even better.
305
00:12:39,655 --> 00:12:41,309
It's pure, uncut
name-brand insulin,
306
00:12:41,310 --> 00:12:42,999
direct from a white guy's
glove compartment.
307
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,964
Now, I know you got
somebody in your family
308
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:48,274
who could really
use some of this.
309
00:12:48,275 --> 00:12:49,757
Mama!
310
00:12:49,758 --> 00:12:51,792
You gonna get
to keep your foot!
311
00:12:54,551 --> 00:12:56,136
These seats are terrible.
312
00:12:56,137 --> 00:12:59,067
My coochie do not belong
in the rafters.
313
00:12:59,068 --> 00:13:01,930
Well, not until after
its retirement ceremony.
314
00:13:03,206 --> 00:13:04,792
I see Loose Coochie
at 12 o'clock.
315
00:13:04,793 --> 00:13:06,171
You spotted Loretta?
316
00:13:06,172 --> 00:13:07,792
No.
317
00:13:07,793 --> 00:13:09,378
Just a woman whose vagina been
around the block a few times.
318
00:13:10,862 --> 00:13:12,619
Ladies and gentlemen,
319
00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:16,619
the one, the only,
the sexiest band in the land,
320
00:13:16,620 --> 00:13:18,309
the often imitated,
321
00:13:18,310 --> 00:13:21,792
only four times equaled,
The Scintillations!
322
00:13:23,310 --> 00:13:25,481
Oh, sing that song!
Come on!
323
00:13:27,068 --> 00:13:28,723
They look a little old.
324
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,171
Good thing we don't.
325
00:13:30,172 --> 00:13:31,930
Let's go.
326
00:13:31,931 --> 00:13:33,516
♪ Let me love ♪
327
00:13:33,517 --> 00:13:35,688
Come on. Come on!
328
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:40,930
♪ You're gonna need
a tissue or two ♪
329
00:13:40,931 --> 00:13:43,516
- Excuse me.
- Excuse you, excuse you.
330
00:13:43,517 --> 00:13:45,240
Excuse you. Coming through.
331
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:47,481
That's them right there,
crawling on the floor.
332
00:13:47,482 --> 00:13:49,205
Sound like Loretta.
333
00:13:49,206 --> 00:13:52,309
The only thing looser than
her coochie's her knee joints.
334
00:13:52,310 --> 00:13:53,481
Let's go, son.
335
00:13:54,724 --> 00:13:55,964
Hey, hey.
336
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:57,309
Where do you two
think you're going?
337
00:13:57,310 --> 00:13:59,930
All right,
time to take out the big guns.
338
00:13:59,931 --> 00:14:01,688
Damn.
You strapped?
339
00:14:01,689 --> 00:14:03,102
Sure am.
340
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,447
I'm talking about
the tig ol' bitties.
341
00:14:05,448 --> 00:14:07,516
Unhook me, girl.
342
00:14:07,517 --> 00:14:11,274
Ah, oh, no! My eye!
343
00:14:11,275 --> 00:14:13,067
Excuse me.
Out of my way.
344
00:14:13,068 --> 00:14:14,654
Out of my way.
Come on, let's clear it out.
345
00:14:14,655 --> 00:14:18,447
♪ Fruit juice goes
in the plastic bag ♪
346
00:14:18,448 --> 00:14:21,447
♪ The peel comes off
the orange ♪
347
00:14:21,448 --> 00:14:25,205
♪ And then we come out
with the orange ♪
348
00:14:25,206 --> 00:14:28,757
♪ Hide it behind
the door hinge ♪
349
00:14:28,758 --> 00:14:29,930
Whoops.
350
00:14:29,931 --> 00:14:31,481
What the hell are you doing?
351
00:14:31,482 --> 00:14:33,861
Do you think this
is a fucking game?
352
00:14:33,862 --> 00:14:36,378
We're making pruno, Negro!
353
00:14:36,379 --> 00:14:39,585
Jesus, why are you taking
this stupid stuff so serious?
354
00:14:39,586 --> 00:14:41,033
Stupid?
355
00:14:41,034 --> 00:14:43,447
Is surviving
a seven-year sentence stupid?
356
00:14:43,448 --> 00:14:45,654
When you in the joint,
you find the little things
357
00:14:45,655 --> 00:14:49,516
to make life just a tiny bit
enjoyable or you snap.
358
00:14:49,517 --> 00:14:51,067
That means staying close
to the people
359
00:14:51,068 --> 00:14:54,067
that give a fuck about you,
like your mom.
360
00:14:54,068 --> 00:14:55,861
And it's her special day today
361
00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:58,274
and we gotta go the extra mile
for her.
362
00:14:58,275 --> 00:15:01,895
All right, Unc.
I'll be better this time.
363
00:15:01,896 --> 00:15:04,481
We gotta do this for Moms.
- Word.
364
00:15:04,482 --> 00:15:06,240
Now peel that orange
the right way
365
00:15:06,241 --> 00:15:07,999
and toss it in the bag
with the bread heels
366
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,067
and the cough syrup.
367
00:15:09,068 --> 00:15:11,550
This shit finna be good.
368
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,412
Right now is the time
of our heart,
369
00:15:16,413 --> 00:15:19,999
where we sing
a very special song
370
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,826
to a very special lady.
371
00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:24,550
Here we go!
372
00:15:24,551 --> 00:15:25,930
I'm your special lady!
373
00:15:25,931 --> 00:15:28,378
Now, this song asks
a very simple question.
374
00:15:28,379 --> 00:15:33,861
♪ Who will be my forever girl
tonight? ♪
375
00:15:37,551 --> 00:15:40,378
I knew it, girl!
376
00:15:40,379 --> 00:15:43,585
Nancy, it's go time.
Toss your panties.
377
00:15:43,586 --> 00:15:45,688
What?
No, I'm not doing that!
378
00:15:45,689 --> 00:15:47,757
Girl, this is your chance
to rectify
379
00:15:47,758 --> 00:15:49,447
what happened when you were 20.
380
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,171
The lead singer
is gonna pick you
381
00:15:51,172 --> 00:15:53,102
to be his forever lady.
382
00:15:53,103 --> 00:15:54,171
For tonight.
383
00:15:54,172 --> 00:15:56,067
I am too old for this,
Loretta.
384
00:15:56,068 --> 00:15:57,792
You are tossing panties.
385
00:15:57,793 --> 00:16:01,585
I'll use one of my
spare panties if I have to.
386
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,033
You can thank me when
387
00:16:03,034 --> 00:16:05,171
these get you some
Scintillations birthday dick.
388
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:07,792
But I don't want
Scintillation birthday dick.
389
00:16:07,793 --> 00:16:11,964
together:
♪ Who will be my forever girl ♪
390
00:16:11,965 --> 00:16:14,550
♪ Tonight? ♪
391
00:16:14,551 --> 00:16:17,861
♪ Girl, you lookin' so right ♪
392
00:16:17,862 --> 00:16:20,412
♪ Who will be my forever girl ♪
393
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,240
It's the moment of truth,
Kev.
394
00:16:22,241 --> 00:16:25,550
My chance to save your mama
from old R&B dick.
395
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,447
Time for me to pull out
the big guns.
396
00:16:27,448 --> 00:16:29,550
Oh, no,
not the titties again.
397
00:16:29,551 --> 00:16:31,585
I'm gonna do what
you too scared to do.
398
00:16:31,586 --> 00:16:32,757
Watch this.
399
00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:34,792
Loretta, no!
400
00:16:34,793 --> 00:16:36,102
Huh?
401
00:16:36,103 --> 00:16:39,688
[low-pitched
Get 'em, tiger!
402
00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:44,688
No, no, no, no, no.
403
00:16:44,689 --> 00:16:47,240
Oh, my God!
404
00:16:47,241 --> 00:16:48,412
- Good.
- Damn.
405
00:16:48,413 --> 00:16:50,033
- They missed.
- They missed.
406
00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:53,240
Could someone hand me those
panties with my info on them?
407
00:16:53,241 --> 00:16:55,447
- That was you?
- It wasn't me.
408
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,723
You get Buffalo sauce
all over me, and now this?
409
00:16:58,724 --> 00:17:02,378
You got some nerve with
yo fake-ass Salt-N-Pepa bob.
410
00:17:02,379 --> 00:17:05,826
Oh, no you didn't.
411
00:17:05,827 --> 00:17:08,826
Nobody touches my hair!
412
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:12,343
all: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
413
00:17:12,344 --> 00:17:14,688
Oh, my God! Get off of me!
414
00:17:14,689 --> 00:17:16,171
Oh, hell no.
415
00:17:16,172 --> 00:17:19,067
This ain't happening
on my friend's 40th birthday.
416
00:17:19,068 --> 00:17:20,757
Get out the way.
417
00:17:22,379 --> 00:17:24,205
Hey! Hey!
Come here!
418
00:17:24,206 --> 00:17:26,481
You're going to concert jail.
419
00:17:26,482 --> 00:17:28,757
God damn it, arrested again.
420
00:17:28,758 --> 00:17:31,688
Dad, they're taking Mom away.
Now what are we gonna do?
421
00:17:31,689 --> 00:17:34,068
Save her, of course.
422
00:17:38,827 --> 00:17:41,861
It's a masterpiece.
423
00:17:41,862 --> 00:17:43,930
You made a masterpiece.
424
00:17:43,931 --> 00:17:47,205
Wemade a masterpiece.
425
00:17:47,206 --> 00:17:48,654
We finally did Mama right.
426
00:17:48,655 --> 00:17:51,826
This some hardcore
convict shit right here.
427
00:17:51,827 --> 00:17:54,826
Now get
the rainbow sprinkles, nigga.
428
00:17:56,965 --> 00:17:59,999
- Drinks on me.
- Uh-huh.
429
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,516
I can't believe I'm
turning 40 in a holding cell
430
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,343
in the basement
of the Pepsi Clear Theater.
431
00:18:06,344 --> 00:18:10,067
What was I thinking,
putting on this dumb outfit,
432
00:18:10,068 --> 00:18:12,619
letting you throw my panties?
433
00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:14,516
I'm not 20.
434
00:18:14,517 --> 00:18:17,378
I'm just an old,
boring-ass bitch.
435
00:18:17,379 --> 00:18:19,964
Yes, you are.
436
00:18:27,413 --> 00:18:30,343
I've been free all my life.
437
00:18:30,344 --> 00:18:34,481
Never had a husband,
never had no kids, neither.
438
00:18:34,482 --> 00:18:37,343
I've been coming
to this theater for decades.
439
00:18:37,344 --> 00:18:39,481
I can't count
the amount of panties
440
00:18:39,482 --> 00:18:42,792
I've gotten on that stage,
and I definitely can't remember
441
00:18:42,793 --> 00:18:47,412
the number of celebrity and
roadie dicks I done sucked.
442
00:18:47,413 --> 00:18:50,585
And if I had it
to do all over again,
443
00:18:50,586 --> 00:18:54,033
I would have
kept my drawers on,
444
00:18:54,034 --> 00:18:56,378
settled down
with a regular nigga,
445
00:18:56,379 --> 00:18:59,205
and had some regular kids.
446
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:02,378
I would kill for your life,
young lady.
447
00:19:02,379 --> 00:19:05,585
Be happy your underwear
never reached that stage.
448
00:19:05,586 --> 00:19:09,136
You might be me if they had,
449
00:19:09,137 --> 00:19:11,447
a washed-up old groupie
450
00:19:11,448 --> 00:19:15,585
who tried to bite
a popcorn man's finger off.
451
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:18,964
Thank you, ma'am.
452
00:19:18,965 --> 00:19:20,826
I needed to hear what
you just said.
453
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:23,619
You are my hero.
454
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:28,033
Well, then my work here
is done.
455
00:19:32,034 --> 00:19:35,136
Loretta, I just want
this night to be over.
456
00:19:35,137 --> 00:19:36,964
I want to go home to my boys.
457
00:19:36,965 --> 00:19:39,723
I'd even be happy to see
my no-good husband again.
458
00:19:39,724 --> 00:19:43,723
Hey, hey, you ho!
Let my hoochie wife go!
459
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:44,895
Henry?
460
00:19:44,896 --> 00:19:46,240
Hey, baby.
461
00:19:46,241 --> 00:19:48,516
You look amazing.
462
00:19:48,517 --> 00:19:50,826
In--in a streetwalking
kind of way.
463
00:19:50,827 --> 00:19:54,136
Mm, well, if it ain't
Ms. Loose Coochie.
464
00:19:54,137 --> 00:19:56,516
Still ruining lives, I see.
465
00:19:56,517 --> 00:19:59,826
The only person ruining
anything around here is you,
466
00:19:59,827 --> 00:20:02,447
long-balled-havin',
no-drawers-wearing,
467
00:20:02,448 --> 00:20:04,136
hairline-receding,
468
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,516
French-onion-soup-smelling
bum bitch!
469
00:20:06,517 --> 00:20:08,136
Oh.
470
00:20:08,137 --> 00:20:11,688
You is really the one to talk
with your elephant cankles,
471
00:20:11,689 --> 00:20:13,723
titties touching your knees--
- Stop it! Stop it!
472
00:20:13,724 --> 00:20:15,136
Just stop it!
473
00:20:15,137 --> 00:20:16,757
- Yeah, stop it, Henry!
- Yeah, stop it, Loretta!
474
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,274
Both of you stop it.
475
00:20:18,275 --> 00:20:19,688
Just shut the hell up
and stop treating me
476
00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:21,826
like a pawn on a chess board.
477
00:20:21,827 --> 00:20:23,274
I am not a child.
478
00:20:23,275 --> 00:20:25,447
I'm a proud, grown-ass lady,
479
00:20:25,448 --> 00:20:27,930
and I will not be made
to feel ashamed.
480
00:20:27,931 --> 00:20:29,550
I am proud of you too, Mama.
481
00:20:29,551 --> 00:20:32,240
Kev, you shouldn't
see your mama like this.
482
00:20:32,241 --> 00:20:33,309
What are you doing here?
483
00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:34,585
I was worried about you.
484
00:20:34,586 --> 00:20:36,343
Why are you worried about me?
485
00:20:36,344 --> 00:20:37,930
I mean,
you punched Robert's cake,
486
00:20:37,931 --> 00:20:40,343
and you were crying all day
saying your life was over
487
00:20:40,344 --> 00:20:42,274
and that you wasted your youth.
488
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,481
Kind of sounded like
you were saying
489
00:20:43,482 --> 00:20:45,412
you wasted your youth on us.
490
00:20:45,413 --> 00:20:50,585
No, sweetheart, I was
just feeling things today.
491
00:20:50,586 --> 00:20:53,550
But let me make this clear.
492
00:20:53,551 --> 00:20:58,481
I never regret having you kids
for even a second.
493
00:20:58,482 --> 00:21:00,999
Now, whose idea was it
494
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:06,067
to bring a 12-year-old
to a Scintillations concert?
495
00:21:06,068 --> 00:21:10,378
Mr. Guard, I'm 40 years old.
I'm better than this.
496
00:21:10,379 --> 00:21:12,378
This is all on me.
497
00:21:12,379 --> 00:21:14,447
Let my son and husband go,
498
00:21:14,448 --> 00:21:17,826
but put me away as
long as you must.
499
00:21:17,827 --> 00:21:20,067
Ma'am, what the hell
are you talking about?
500
00:21:20,068 --> 00:21:21,481
Hey, you can leave right now.
501
00:21:21,482 --> 00:21:24,343
The show's over
and I'm off the clock.
502
00:21:24,344 --> 00:21:26,516
Shit, I'm just
making minimum wage anyway.
503
00:21:30,310 --> 00:21:32,343
Loretta, thank you
for trying to make
504
00:21:32,344 --> 00:21:34,792
my last night in my thirties
a special one.
505
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:37,550
But now it's time
for me to go home
506
00:21:37,551 --> 00:21:40,102
and be the 40-year-old
that I am.
507
00:21:40,103 --> 00:21:42,895
And it's time for me
to be the hoochie that Iam.
508
00:21:42,896 --> 00:21:46,171
Turns out
he has a thing for old hos.
509
00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:48,067
Who knew?
510
00:21:48,068 --> 00:21:49,792
I just want to go home.
511
00:21:51,241 --> 00:21:56,343
Madame, your random
white guy's Oldsmobile awaits.
512
00:21:56,344 --> 00:21:57,343
Say what now?
513
00:21:57,344 --> 00:21:59,067
Long story, Mom.
514
00:21:59,068 --> 00:22:02,516
Mom, I want you to be
my forever girl forever.
515
00:22:02,517 --> 00:22:06,378
Kev, I will always
be your forever girl.
516
00:22:06,379 --> 00:22:08,758
This guy has Klan literature
in here.
517
00:22:10,206 --> 00:22:11,964
♪ I need you now ♪
518
00:22:11,965 --> 00:22:16,585
group: ♪ Who will be
my forever girl ♪
519
00:22:16,586 --> 00:22:19,654
♪ Tonight? ♪
520
00:22:19,655 --> 00:22:22,240
♪ Girl, you lookin' so right ♪
521
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:26,930
group: ♪ Who will be
my forever girl ♪
522
00:22:26,931 --> 00:22:29,619
♪ Tonight? ♪
523
00:22:29,620 --> 00:22:32,516
♪ Who, baby? ♪
524
00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:36,481
♪ Looking at all the beautiful
women in the crowd ♪
525
00:22:36,482 --> 00:22:38,793
♪ Mm, we lock eyes ♪
38012
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof