Original subtitles

♪ You know it's gotta be G'd up, yep ♪

♪ That kind of ish that make you cowards ♪

♪ Get beat up, ha-ha ♪

♪ We on the outs until we called and go do bids ♪

♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

No white man talks to me like that.

You get a punch!

Damn, "The Oprah Show" done got crazy.

Unc, this is "The Color Purple" on BET.

They got full movies on this thing now?

I should have jacked Mrs. O'Lady's

cable a long time ago.

Next Saturday on BET, live from Baltimore,

it's the World Series of Spades

Super Tournament of Champions,

featuring a cavalcade of winners

from the last 50 years.

It's getting late.

Time to throw the TV out the window and go to bed.

Oh my god, Mom!

You're on TV with a guy who looks

like a skinny, underwear-wearing version

of Dad.

I said, that's enough.

I'm sorry.

Spades is a sore spot with me.

I-- I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, sis, that breaks my heart.

You were the best.

Yes, we were.

You were?

Hell yeah.

Your Moms and Pops won that tournament four times in a row.

That's all in the past now.

But what a past.

Ashford and Simpson, Peaches and Herb, Arnold and Willis--

peasants to us.

When it came to duos in the Spades game,

we were unstoppable.

We were in tune.

We even had our own special language.

Don't mess this book up.

We need it.

You're the one underbidding, fool!

Damn, I love it when you get toxic.

Where you coming in?

A girl's best friend, dummy.

The more we'd bickered, the better we'd played.

You blew up the hotel?

Nah, but it sure felt that way.

That's how good things were with us.

All day long we'd fight and play killer Spades,

and all night long we'd make sweet--

um, tater tots.

I love tater tots.

But it all went bad at the tournament eight years ago.

We were going for the championship

against our archrivals.

But Henry was in terrible shape by then.

Even his liquor was on drugs.

He ruined it for us.

He-- I-- I don't want to talk about it.

Whew!

But it was bad.

Carl Lewis singing the national anthem bad?

I said I don't want to talk about it.

What could he have done that was so bad?

I got the big joker, bitch!

Oh!

In the name of Jesus.

OK, now that--

that's pretty bad.

Henry did six months for indecent exposure.

The judge gave him a month for every inch.

I would have done 12.

13 if it was humid.

That was the beginning of the end for us.

He's the only partner who could match me, and he ruined it.

I said goodbye to Spades forever.

I can see how much you miss it, Mom.

Why don't you just go to Baltimore

and play a few games, you know, have some fun?

Fun?

Spades is not fun.

Spades is life.

It gives you power.

You don't just beat your opponent; you ruin them.

You crush their spirit, and you feel alive.

You are the king and the queen, and your opponents are ants--

worthless, miserable ants.

And god, I miss it so!

No, you are right.

That does not sound fun.

But I mean, look, if Dad was such a good player,

maybe you could ask him to go with you.

Give him another chance.

After what he did?

The only way on Earth I'd even consider sharing a Spades table

with him again would be if he got completely sober,

and we all know that's never going to happen.

OK, got it.

Well, I'll give him the good news tomorrow.

Technically, I didn't say I'd play with him again.

She willing to play with me again?

Those were her exact words--

more-- more or less.

I'd love to toss them cards with her again.

We were on fire in those days.

It was fight, fight, fight, and then--

put the pigs in the blanket.

You guys sure do like hors d'oeuvres.

OK, I'll play!

Great.

All you got to do is get clean and sober by next Saturday.

Oh, man, I need a drink so bad.

Dad, come on.

You keep saying that you want a chance to get back with Mom.

Well, this is it, and you might not get another one.

I'll do it.

After this.

Ah, some crude to get me in the mood.

Henry Hart, I can't believe my eyes.

Did you really do it for me?

I am totally, unequivocally clean.

I helped him, Mom.

I mean, look, it really wasn't that hard.

Right, Dad?

No, I breezed through it.

Unhand me, motherfucker!

Give me the goddamn juice, nigga!

I need it.

Don't kill me, Spider Henry.

Mama!

Like I said, it was a breeze.

Uh, you ain't seen none of that flashback, did you?

I didn't think you could do it, but you did.

All right, we will go to Baltimore,

and we will enter that tournament.

But you understand this--

you are my Spades partner and nothing more.

You will not touch me.

You will not sniff my hair.

You will not drink a drop of alcohol.

I swear.

Scout's honor.

And Kevin is coming along to watch you

and be a buffer between us.

I'll be co-buffer.

Then it's done.

We're going to take our championship back,

and the Harts are getting a wholesome family vacation.

Uh, this kind of undercuts the moment, don't it?

Nancy, I love you, but if any of you scratch El CaCharro,

I'll scratch you.

Pop the trunk for us, will you?

Oh, no. You cannot use the trunk.

Why?

You got a body in there?

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

- Uh. - Sí.

Gracias.

Boys, let's go.

both: Be right there.

Why are you coming, anyway?

I mean, you don't like Spades.

You don't like any game with counting involved.

Nah, what I like is all the poontang

waiting for me in Baltimore.

I went to that tournament with Mom and Dad

when I was, like, eight, and the video game room at the

hotel was full of older girls.

Real PYTs.

I'm talking bitches.

Now, I'm a man now, and I might have sex.

And if you be nice, I might even let you watch.

I don't need your help.

I already have the girl of my dreams.

Hey, Rhe Rhe!

Hey, hey, Kev.

Wake up, fool.

Girls like her only want dudes with experience.

I have experience.

Lots of it.

Oh, yeah?

You ever seen a boob?

Does Gerald's count?

Nigga, what's wrong with you?

You scared of pussy?

The only way to get Rhe Rhe interested in you

is to get some experience with some real boobs.

Next stop, Baltimore.

Yah-dah-dee!

Good luck!

I'll be watching you slinging Spades on BET.

Hang on. Hard turn.

Ohh!

- Whoa! - Augh.

So good to have the family all together.

Baby, we finally got the crib to ourselves.

A whole weekend of stolen cable and chill.

Richie, you got cable?

I've been dying to see that "Def Jam Comedy Hour."

Lookit here, this ear-hustling motherfucker.

I call "Video Soul."

"Australian Rules Football."

Them uniforms are tight.

"Comic View."

I bring snacks, $10.

Excuse me, you mind if I sit on your lap?

I'll sit here.

I'm back, baby.

Ooh, I smell that fire again.

Sorry, that was probably the propane

I had lingering in my system.

Try to hold it together for at least five minutes.

Nancy, you're looking at a different Henry.

Bartender, I'll have a Mountain Dew, please.

Neat.

OK, here's the plan.

I bag the hotties, and you bag the ug mugs.

Why do I get the ug mugs?

No, I'm handsome.

Nigga, you are four feet of fugly.

Now come with me to the game room--

that's where all the hotties were last time--

and I'll show you how much game I got.

All right, now remember, if you want to pull a chick,

you gotta be smooth.

You gotta be player.

You gotta be--

12?

Aw, shit.

This game room is full of kids.

Oh, now one of them coming over here.

I can't be seen with her.

Wait, where is she going?

Hi, I'm Lynnie.

What's your name?

Lynnie-- is your name.

Yeah.

Well, my-- my name is, uh--

don't tell me, I'll--

I'll get it.

It's, uh, Kev.

Yeah, Kev.

My name is Kev.

You're funny.

You want to play "Dig Dug"?

Yeah, sure.

I dug dig-- dig that.

I mean, I dig dog that.

I-- that game.

The-- the game.

The old faking a stroke bit.

Works every time.

Live from the Spades capital of the world, Baltimore,

Maryland, it's the 50th Anniversary

World Series of Spades Tournament of Champions.

I'm Rachel Stuart.

And I'm Donnie Simpson.

Welcome to the granddaddy of Spades tournaments,

sponsored by Magic Shave, Magnum Condoms, and Snapple.

Shave, make love, hydrate, repeat.

This year only the best will compete,

including two-time defending champs Tami and Reverend Monty

Money, and past legends Nancy and Henry Hart,

whose lifetime ban ended on a technicality after

he died for five minutes.

Good god almighty, Nancy and Henry.

Haven't seen you since--

you know.

Ooh, we didn't think you sinners would

ever show your faces again.

And we hope you don't show anything else.

Just our cards.

And good luck to you.

Augh! Ohh! Nancy!

Every night when my head hits the pillow,

I think about what you did to make us lose.

And I'm going to feed on that angle to put us over

the top again.

Now let's play some Spades!

Yes!

High-top fades may be in, but Nancy

Hart just won with a low cut.

Crikey, another score for Brisbane!

Boo!

This is the shit you did in the joint!

- This sucks! - Hey, I want to watch BET.

My big sister is slangin' Spades.

Whoa! Listen up, fuckers.

Richard stole this cable, so he decides what we watch.

And he wants to watch his sister

play some fucking Spades!

Damn, she said it with her breasts.

I'm in love.

Brian Weaver with a crazy play,

coming strong with an ace of spades.

Damn it, Henry, why were you throwing

off spades if your stupid behind didn't have the ace?

Don't doubt me, be about me, baby.

Bam!

The big joker.

Look out, world-- the Harts are back!

They're in the finals against defending champs

the Reverend Monty and Tami Money.

It'll be saints versus sinners.

Find out who takes home the grand prize--

a year's supply of Rice Baloney, the Sacramento Treat.

Henry, we finally got our rematch!

I'm so glad you gave me another chance.

You know what?

I'm glad too.

You won!

You're really good, Kev.

Yeah, well, you know, I, um--

I get a lot of practice of shooting lasers at invading

space worms in Philly.

Ooh, I like Philly boys.

Me too.

I mean, uh, no.

So space worms, huh?

Those-- pew, pew, pew, pew.

Excuse me for one tiny second.

Robert, hey.

I'm talking to that girl, but I don't know what to do.

Oh, boo-hoo.

You picked up a girl in five minutes,

and the only girl I got on my hands is Ms. Pac-Man.

I mean, I do like 'em light-skinned, but damn!

Please, just give me one pointer.

No, moron.

You overthinking it.

She's already into you.

You need to take her to the room and make your move.

Remember, when you get her up in that room

and you start smooching and you beating them

cheeks, you doing it for Rhe Rhe.

So to get Rhe Rhe to like me, I gotta do the nasty

with a random girl I just met?

Ah, now you're getting it.

Now go get it!

This is for Rhe Rhe.

So I was wondering if you, uh, want--

want to take a walk.

You know, get some fresh air--

in my room?

OK.

My bad, I didn't mean it.

Wait, what?

You-- hold on, you said yes?

He did it!

Wait, why do I care?

I gotta get laid.

Oh, hell no.

I'm not into no Jurassic ass.

Kev, you got this.

Kissing a girl for Rhe Rhe, OK?

Everything is going to be fine.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Yes!

That's the Hammerin' Hank I remember.

Mmm, Kevin want a little brother!

Mmm!

Who is the King of Harts?

You are, Big Daddy Spade!

What the hell was that?

I don't know!

I mean, did I really see it?

Yah-dah-dee!

Whoo! Oh!

Shit!

Oh my god, I did see it.

I don't know what kind of shit you're into,

but I want no part of it.

No, no, wait a minute. You don't understand.

I'm not a freak.

Those are my parents.

What?

You Philly niggas is nasty.

Man, this weekend sucks.

The girls here are either too young or too old,

and now I'm all out of quarters.

Man, I just want to go to sleep.

Hey, man, just trust me, OK?

You do not want to be anywhere near this room tonight.

Why the hell not?

Swing them balls low, sweet chariot.

Yeah!

Sock it to me, baby.

Man, everybody's getting ass except for us.

This trip sucks.

Oh lord, we really did that?

I tried to convince myself it was a bad dream.

Oh, it was real.

And speaking of, you a nurse.

Can you stitch up the nipple you bit off my chest?

- This is awful! - What?

But didn't I make the poon-poon go boom-boom?

You certainly did.

But, Henry, I can't get back with you.

This was a one-time, seven-orgasm accident

that'll never happen again.

I counted eight, but I understand.

We cool?

Oh, we are cool.

I am cool.

I am so cool.

When somebody shouts like that, you know it's true.

It's Nancy and Henry Hart versus Tami

and Monty Money for the championship title.

And just like an inner-city 7-Eleven,

we are down to the last straw.

Nancy, what you coming in?

Baby, I said, what are you coming in?

Who said anything about coming?

Ain't nobody coming.

A 3?

I'm very confused by Nancy's strategy.

Or lack thereof.

Focus on the cards, Nancy.

Forget the cards and focus on your cooter-cat.

Or rather, let me.

Mmm-mmm.

I call a ream-out.

I-- I mean a time-out.

Nancy!

Nancy!

I mean this in the nicest way, but what in the actual fuck?

Why'd you throw that 3?

You got me off my game, Henry.

I can't believe it.

We are this close to winning it all again,

and then I sleep with you and I lose my edge.

Damn!

Why must I be blessed with this Mandingo manhood?

Henry, I didn't know how much I missed the feeling

that Spades gave me till I came back to it,

and I don't want to give it up again.

But I can't be great without that edge.

I have to be mad at you.

I have to--

Henry, thank you for getting sober, like I asked.

Well, that's how much I care about you.

I want you to win this championship.

I know you do, but to win I need to be furious at you.

So, Henry, I am asking you for us-- for me--

drink your face off one more time.

Oh, Nancy.

But getting clean was so hard.

I mean, isn't there something else

I could do to piss you off?

Like, can I bone your sister or something?

She lives in Tampa.

There's no time.

Please, if you love me, don't just fall off the wagon.

Jump off that bitch!

OK, for the good of this family,

I will get fucked up!

Ahh, ahh.

Ahh! Ahh!

Where the hell are they?

Hold on!

Here we come.

All right, all right, all right.

That nigga's swaying like a pendulum.

Shit! Ohh! Ohh!

Argh.

God damn, are you trying to pierce my shit?

Sit down.

You're embarrassing me.

Oh my god, my anger is back!

Let's do this.

Broke-ass, big-balled loser.

Worthless puke bucket.

Used vacuum cleaner on my birthday buying lowlife!

Folks, Nancy Hart is on fire!

And Henry Hart is on something else.

Anything is possible!

I really don't know how to play Spades.

You hook up with that Lynnie yet?

She's right there ready to get freaky.

What you waiting on?

No way.

Mm-mm.

I'm through with all that.

Maybe for the rest of my life after what I saw.

Damn!

I knew you were scared of pussy, scary-ass little nigga.

Stop it!

I'm tired of you bullying me into doing

stuff that I don't want to do.

I'm only 12 years old, Robert.

And I met a nice girl who likes how I shoot space bugs,

and that's enough for me.

So leave me alone and smooch your own cheeks, damn it!

You don't have to be so mean.

Come here.

Did that scary boy hurt you?

Yes, ma'am.

Mmm.

You smell like Bengay and root beer candy

with a hint of Epsom salt.

I heard what you just said to your brother.

You did?

Yeah, and it makes me want to do this.

Mwah!

Maybe I'll see you again in four years.

It happened!

I finally got my first kiss.

I'm proud of you, son.

Ooh, Nancy, Kev just got his--

Shut up!

I'm about to win this thing.

My Henry's a clown, but you two are going downtown.

Yes!

It's the big joker!

They've done it.

Nancy and Henry win!

Man, fuck this shit, fuck Baltimore,

and fuck you, Donnie Simpson, green-eyed nigga!

That's my big sister right there!

And that's my brother-in-law fighting the security guard!

I can rip a whole fender off a car when I'm on PCP.

I know Marisol said not to use her trunk,

but we got too much stuff.

We have no choice.

Oh, shit!

What kind of John Gotti shit is this?

You like Rice Baloney?

You gonna have to eat it with no hands, though.