Original subtitles

♪ You know it's gotta be G'd up ♪

♪ The kind of show that make you cowards get beat up ♪

♪ We on the outs until we caught and go do bids ♪

♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪

♪ Come on, burglars and murderers ♪

♪ And all kind of fiends ♪ - ♪ Smokers ♪

♪ Bogeymen in real life, it ain't nothing clean ♪

♪ Babies traumatized, and their daddy drunk ♪

♪ It don't matter, can't be no punk ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

♪ Yeah, Lil Kev ♪

♪ You don't wanna be out here with us ♪

♪ It's bad, boy ♪

♪ Don't turn that corner ♪

♪ Let the streetlights hit you ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

Compassion...

it is the sweetest fruit in God's cornucopia of bounty.

That's right.

It is a fruit you wrap your lips around

and feel His sweet nectar dripping down your chin.

all: Amen!

Lord Jesus said love thy neighbor as thyself.

I want to love the shit out of this neighbor.

Mm-hmm.

Because, uh, we're all the Lord's children,

all with the same God-given dignity.

Hmm, no diggity.

No doubt.

But good Christians don't just say,

"Love thy neighbor."

They act on it no matter who their neighbors are.

Hallelujah!

Let us all reach out a helping hand

to those less fortunate today,

care for them, tend to them,

put God's love all up in them!

Yes! Oh!

Thank you, my children.

I hope you take my words with you...

on these CDs!

The ones they sell at the barbershop are bootlegs.

You buy those and you're going to hell.

Free at last, free at last,

Great God Almighty,

my butt cheeks are free at last.

Whoo!

- Comedy Kev! - Oh, you're killing me.

Such a moving sermon, Reverend.

Especially around the 3 1/2 hour mark.

Thank you, Sister Hart.

It pleases me greatly

to think my humble homily has penetrated willing ears.

Oh, it did.

I promise you that your words about compassion and dignity

had a real impact on me and my boys.

Hey, y'all, peep Lucky!

He only got one leg!

You would think this nigga

could moisturize it a little bit,

'cause his stump is ashier than Ashford & Simpson.

You got me.

Eczema is hilarious.

And look at Dirty Dante dirty ass.

Yeah, he's so dirty, his Sunday whites are Sunday brown.

Oh, Kev!

They brown!

Sister Hart, isn't that your son, Kevin,

speaking with all that venom?

Well, I--I-- I can't really see if--

Yeah, that's him.

Ow!

Aw, and look at that fool, Chin Check.

He's so dumb, he tried to use food stamps to mail a postcard.

Such a shame before the Lord.

Thank you, thank you.

I'm here all week. - No, you are not.

Uh-oh.

Don't you disrespect the Lord's teaching.

Ow, Mom! My lobe!

Ooh, pulled by the ear! That's cold!

All these years, I always thought

the church was just about drinking wine in the morning.

Today, I really felt something different.

See, the rev was preaching that we have to love thy neighbor,

but first, love yourself.

Man, times have changed!

One time, I got arrested for loving myself

within 500 feet of a playground.

I'm serious, Oscar! I gotta get my life together.

I can't keep on sleeping cramped up in old cars.

I'm getting Honda elbow.

Hey, fellas! Big house... open!

What is it, boy? Is somebody trapped in a well?

There's an open house up the block.

Real nice place. It's going fast.

Yes! Ask and ye shall receive!

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

You are asking for it today, Kevin!

Ah, why'd you do that, Ma?

You made me look bad in front of all my friends.

Well, you made me look bad

in front of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

It's just jokes, Ma.

Jokes at the expense of others.

Like that poor child of God, Chin Check.

He beats me up every day. And twice on Friday.

You have to rise above that. Didn't you hear the Reverend?

All of God's creatures deserve to be treated with respect...

- Ow, ow! - Love, and charity!

Mom, seriously?

Look, not everyone deserves Christian charity.

Now, that's where you're wrong.

OK, well, what about the slave owner

who cut off Kunta Kinte's foot?

Maybe LeVar Burton had foot cancer

and it saved his life, which probably made him read more.

You wouldn't know unless you walked a mile

in his... shoe.

What about that white girl in the fourth grade

who touched your hair?

That mayonnaise-eating mother--

her, too.

What about that guy who--

ah! - That's enough.

Whoever you were going to say,

yes, a good Christian reaches out a helping hand.

Love thy neighbor.

Oh, I enjoy your minstrel show bantering.

But could you people move from my stoop?

I need to get to the train station.

Well, what about Mrs. Old Lady, Mom?

Hmm? I mean, she isour neighbor.

Do you love and respect her, too?

I certainly do.

I'm visiting my son in Feltonville.

Lovely neighborhood full of Puerto Ricans,

but nice ones.

Always throwing parades.

Don't you think that

we should offer Mrs. Old Lady a Christian helping hand?

Well--

It's OK, Mom. I mean, I guess I was right.

There are some exceptions to the "love thy neighbor" rule.

We'd be happy to help you.

It's what a good Christian does.

Lean on me, Mrs. Old Lady.

I will.

Thank you.

You are so welcome.

Kevin, get Mrs. Old Lady's bags.

What is in these bags?

Oh, it's just a few gifts for Gavin.

Canned peaches, a bowling pin.

Oh, you know, trinkets.

What a wonderful idea this was, Kevin.

So glad you suggested it.

Me, too.

You two are so helpful.

There should be a word for this kind of free labor.

Yo, Unc, who is that?

Ms. Green.

She's the reason I made it out of the joint in one piece.

She's a multi-hyphenate, taught art and fine as hell.

She is fine.

I'd hit it.

Watch your fucking mouth!

I'll cut you with part of a balanced breakfast

if you ever disrespect that bitch.

Man, you really like her.

When are you going to see her again?

Yeah, you know-- you know, whenever.

Uh, just, you know, gotta, you know,

call her and whatnot and, you know,

make the motherfucking arrangements and, you know,

establish the details and shit, you know.

You mean to tell me you never hit her up?

Man, m-maybe I'm playing it cool, huh?

Or maybe she not awake yet.

Uh, m-maybe I gotta eat first.

OK, I get it.

You calling me a punk?

I'll call her.

I-I'll call her right now.

Man.

She gave me her pager number.

Shit.

She don't want me calling her crib.

She ducking me, right?

Uh, in the interest of staying alive

a few more minutes, no comment?

Behold the open house!

Damn, Likey, you really did some shit!

Damn, Likey. You really did some shit.

You gotta visualize its potential, man.

Like, this ain't a pile of wet newspapers.

It's a cozy nook where you can eat eggs and shoot up smack.

I don't want to shoot up smack!

That's not what you said when you was hooked on smack.

Cops! Hit the deck!

What the fuck!

What the fuck?

Look what I found down here!

This is what diggity looks like!

Fellas, we is hood royalty!

We going to be on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Homeless."

Kevin, you are growing so fast.

You'll be a superpredator in no time.

Mrs. Old Lady,

this has certainly been a walk down the block.

You have a wonderful day.

Just take this elevator up to the plaza.

- Do you mind? - Ah!

Some of us are trying to relieve ourselves in peace.

I guess we're taking the stairs.

Isn't that wonderful?

Three whole flights to enjoy your company.

Baby Jesus!

Mm-mm!

Once we cash in these coins at the payday loan place

and they take they 80%, we going to be rich!

Do you know how many lottery tickets

we can buy with this money?

Uh-uh. No lotto for me.

I gotta be smart with my jug of coins.

Yours? You mean ourjug of coins.

Right, right, right, right.

I'll share a little, but they're my coins.

Yours truly is the finder of the jug.

Well, I found the open house.

Well, I burned the building down in the first place.

You didn't even try to burn anything down!

Man, get off me! Get off! Man, give me my coins.

133,

134,

135.

Damn.

Ms. Green ain't respond to any of my beeper calls.

Who am I kidding anyway?

She don't want no calls from no broke ex-con

who live in his older sister's basement.

Now, just 'cause she gave you a beeper number

doesn't mean she doesn't like you.

You a catch, motherfucker.

That's why you been caught by the cops so many times.

You got it going on.

Amazing upper body strength,

lean, useless legs,

and an ass so tight you can bounce a quarter off it.

So what do I do?

You know the building she lives in, right?

So get her attention with a grand motherfucking gesture.

Some real "Sleepless in Seattle" shit.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm going to go Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks on her ass.

Man, y'all really know women.

You two must get mountains of nappy dugout.

It's not really nappy, per se.

I would say more like Brazilian wavy.

Whew!

Thank you, Kevin!

Aw, a good little boy like you deserves a sweet.

Chocolate Darkies!

They match your skin, huh?

Which is dark! See?

- Oh, look, good. - Thank God!

- The train is here. - Here you go.

Stand on this spot and have a blessed day.

Bye.

I hope you're happy, Kev.

You see where disrespectful behavior can get you.

Well, I'd say that this is what

always trying to teach a lesson from a high horse can get you.

Well, maybe if my son learned some manners,

I wouldn't have to teach him a lesson.

Yeah, and maybe if my mom had a sense of humor,

well, we wouldn't be stuck babysitting a racist old lady.

Who's about to get hit by a train!

- Oh, no! - Look out!

Hey, you two are handsier than the Italians.

Mom, if we leave her alone, she's going to be safe, right?

Right?

Oh, look!

A colored man wearing a doctor's coat.

Oh, I didn't know it was Halloween.

Lord, why do you punish me?

You always pulling bullshit like this, Henry.

What bullshit?

You've been hogging our one pair of good shoes all week!

Sunday's my day, nigga!

I am the group leader, ain't I?

Tell him, Likey!

Likey?

I'm a trillionaire!

Son of a bitch!

If it wasn't for this gout.

Ah!

Damn it! Damn!

Likey! You greedy motherfucker!

I'd whip the hell out of you if I could afford a belt.

I can explain, fellas.

The truth is...

I wanted to spend all the money and leave you both with none.

Fuck you!

- Ow! - You stole my money!

This is my money!

Ow! - Shh, shh.

Keep your damn voices down.

We are in Druggie Alley.

Also known as Benjamin Franklin Boulevard.

You got this.

Every woman wants a man

to show up to her house unannounced.

Here we go.

Time for Harry to meet Sally.

Yo! I'm looking for Ms. Green!

First name, Miss-- oh, open the fuck up!

Beg your pardon, sir.

Or possibly ma'am.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be looking the fuck elsewhere.

Oh!

Uh-oh.

Run!

Run! Come on!

Get these old titties off of me!

Run, OJ, run!

Lookit. OK, OK, fellas.

Let's say we discuss this like calm, rational crackheads.

Oh! Oh! Attack of the living baseheads!

No!

We gotta a portable glory hole!

What will science come up with next?

Yay. Hey, yeah. Hey, hey, me first!

Here we are.

I told you we'd only take a minute.

Gavin will bring me home later.

Good night, Mrs. Old Lady.

Aw, you, too, dearie.

I very much appreciate you.

Such a nice girl.

Ms. Old Lady, don't!

Oh, your hair is like a Brillo pad.

Get your old lizard-skin hands off my hair!

You sorry, racist, ungrateful old hag!

Huh?

You got less manners than you got teeth!

I didn't carry your dusty self around all day

for this kind of disrespect!

After everything I've done to keep you safe?

This is the longest day of my life, thanks to you!

And I work in a hospital!

Hey! Keep it down!

Gavin! Mommy's here!

I brought your favorite, two dozen wrenches.

Jesus Christ, not you again.

I told you to stop coming around here, you old bag!

That is no way to treat your mother.

Yeah, you respect her.

No matter how much of a pain in the butt she is.

This isn't my mother.

both: Huh? - She's not?

Maybe her son used to live here, but not anymore.

She just shows up every few months

with bags full of bread ties

and candies with names like Ching Chong Crunchies.

Oh, but Gavin, you love those!

I am not Gavin!

I don't know who you are, lady!

And I am running out of ways to tell you to go fuck yourself!

Hey, I don't care if that's not your mother.

That's somebody's mother.

I mean, yeah, she's mean and racist.

Plus, I'm starting to worry that that candy she gave me

did some real damage to my stomach lining.

But she's a human being, just like the rest of us.

So show her some respect, compassion, and dignity.

Love thy neighbor as you love thyself!

Whatever.

You did listen to the reverend.

Come on, Mrs. Old Lady. Let's get you home.

How much we got left?

Not much.

About 6.50.

So we're right back where we started?

No. Fuck that!

We got a hell of a lot more than when we started.

Damn. Oscar's right.

You see the way we worked through that alleyway together?

Fuck money. We got brotherhood.

So yeah, I say we're a hell of a lot richer now

than we were this morning.

I meant 6.50 is more than 0, but shit, that was beautiful.

To brotherhood.

Well, at least we got enough for a couple of Bear Claws.

Let's go to the liquor pantry.

That Korean lady is mean,

but she don't turn down loose change.

Get ready!

If this thing kills me,

I need you to promise that you'll love again.

I'll be sad,

but I'll eventually get back on the horse.

Who the fuck is Horse?

Is that the nigga that work at the gym with the big areolas?

Hit it!

It worked!

I can't believe this shit worked!

Now that is some real

romantic comedy shit right there.

- Oh! - Oh, shit!

Display the digits!

Oh, come on!

The stupid government

can't even keep the lights on anymore!

Huh?

Hey! Hey! Ms. Green!

Down here! - Richard, is that you?

Wait right there! I'm coming up!

Hey, you can't do--

Wow, that's impressive.

Fuck you, dawg!

- Yes? - Romantic gesture!

Bang! - Oof!

You better go and get your white woman.

I got mines, dude.

Richard!

You did this for me?

Yeah, you know, just some old grand gesture shit.

I mean, you know, just proving my worth to you and shit.

Hang on.

Why would you need to prove anything to me?

I like you. I gave you my number.

Well, yeah, but you gave me your pager number.

I mean, when I hit you up, you didn't hit me back.

I figured you was ducking me.

Richard, I'm so sorry. I wasn't ducking you.

I swear I don't have a phone at home,

and I've been in all day.

Uh, OK.

Nothing weird about not having a home phone.

Shit, I don't even have a home.

I gotta hand it to you.

This was such a romantic gesture.

It's magical.

Does God have it in for us?

I don't know, Kev. He just might.

Mom, I'm really sorry about today.

I was kind of being disrespectful

in front of the church.

I appreciate that.

It takes a big person to apologize.

And, uh, maybe you got something to say to me, too?

I am.

I was too hard on you.

You're a good kid, Kevin.

I'm sorry.

I'm not proud of the way I acted today.

When I think about the things I said to Mrs. Old Lady?

N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n--

Look at her.

She even wants to say the n-word in her sleep.

I really cannot stand this woman.

Thank you, God.

Love thy neighbor is a process.

None of us are perfect.

Love is hard, sometimes.

Love is a test.

And that test is worth it, saints,

because there ain't no better reward than love.

Amen?

Amen.

This is your humble servant, Reverend Mooney,

signing off, saints.

You have a blessed evening. I know I will.

You want to get baptized in a hot tub tonight?

Mm.

Amen.

♪ Oh, Lord, stand by me ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ Every day, that's what we need ♪

♪ Stand by me ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, stand by me ♪

♪ While I walk ♪

♪ While I walk this lonesome road ♪

- ♪ If I struggle ♪ - ♪ If I struggle ♪

- ♪ Pick me up ♪ - ♪ Pick me up ♪

♪ Help me drink ♪

♪ Help me drink this bitter cup ♪

- ♪ Oh, Lord ♪ - ♪ Oh, Lord ♪

- ♪ Oh, stand ♪ - ♪ Oh, stand by-- ♪