Original subtitles

♪ You know it's gotta be keyed up ♪

♪ The kind of show that make you cowards get beat up ♪

♪ We on the outs until we called to go do bids ♪

♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪

♪ Come on, burglars and murderers ♪

♪ And all kind of fiends ♪

♪ Bogeymen in real life, it ain't nothing clean ♪

♪ Babies traumatized, and their daddy drunk ♪

♪ It don't matter, can't be no punk ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

♪ Yeah, Lil Kev ♪

♪ You don't wanna be out here with us ♪

♪ It's bad, boy ♪

♪ Don't turn that corner ♪

♪ Let the streetlights hit you ♪

♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪

Good morning, North Philly.

It's October 1st, and it's hot.

I'm talking deodorant under a fat lady's titties hot.

We thought we were done with summer,

but like Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction,"

that bitch wasn't done with us.

This heat can make people who usually do

the right thing do the wrong thing.

Yo, fellas. Hey, let's hit the pool.

Thank God for the city pool.

You know, it's nice to have a place

where we can get our swim on.

You mean get our sit around, eat pork rinds

and look at the honeys on.

I love puberty.

Gerald, I really respect

how you make being a fat ass work for you.

I'm comfortable with my gift.

All right, fellas, come on.

We're going to cool off by any means necessary.

There's no better way to beat the heat.

And like Ice Cube says, well, today is a good day.

Dang, Ice Cube's gonna melt in here.

Well, come on in. The water's gone.

Wait, what happened?

The city couldn't maintain it 'cause of budget cuts.

It's ours now.

Degenerates, one. Community, zero.

Dang. I was going to do a cannonball.

And I'm about to do an eight ball.

Geronimo!

I call to order this meeting of

the Ninth District Neighborhood Improvement Committee.

First item of business, preparations for our

fall street fair next weekend.

Mrs. Park from the Liquor Pantry

will be handling refreshments.

I'll be serving up snacks, soda,

and a 12 pack of don't get any funny ideas!

I'm gonna make sure I eat at home.

Okay, that takes care of security too.

Ma, oh, you won't believe what they did to the pool.

It's a--

Oh, Lord.

This isn't your home country, young man.

You have to wear more than a loincloth.

Thank you, Mrs. Old Lady,

for being so sweet with your racism.

My pleasure, Shaka Zulu.

Now, Mom, look, if your committee

wants to improve things, well,

they should start with the pool.

The city closed it.

And now we got street people living in the deep end.

Kevin, what's my rule when I have company?

The kids should be seen and not heard.

I don't really want to see you now either.

Backstroke out of here.

Okay, now, let's talk about refreshments.

Hmm.

Mmm.

Get your personal climate control here.

Two minutes for every $10.

Phone call not included.

$0.10 out of every dollar goes to help Jheri Curl's kids.

Man, it is hot today.

For a second, I thought I accidentally put on drawers.

Hey, Kev, what happened to your smile?

Aw, did you have to sell your teeth to make rent?

No.

The city let the pool go to crap,

and now there's nowhere for us to swim anymore.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

I lost my virginity in that pool.

Twice. - Mm.

Kev, your daddy's here to save the day.

I'm gonna need broom handles and some old duct tape.

That might be the strangest superpower I've ever seen.

You're the man, Dad.

- What the--? - Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Everybody wet.

- Henry Hart. - No need to thank me, darling.

It's all in a day's work of proving to you that I can be

a good dad, a great husband,

and a long-lasting and unselfish lover.

♪ 'Cause it's my duty to please that booty ♪

Ain't nobody touching nobody's booty around here.

Are you trying to ruin my street fair?

Not my menthol pork rinds.

Fine. I'll fix it, Miss Killjoy.

This isn't so bad.

I don't know why you people complain

when you get hosed down!

Hmm.

Thank you for nothing.

Finally, somebody who's helping around here.

- Who that corny ass nigga? - Dad, That's Coleman Bridges.

He's running for city council.

My friends, I am running to defeat the 27-term incumbent,

Liam McFitz Williams.

In my view, Mr. McFitz Williams has monopolized

his seat for far too long.

Oye, this Coleman guy can monopolize my seat anytime.

You ain't never lie. Mm, mm, mm.

I have deep roots in this community.

I was born 10 blocks from here.

When I graduated from Yale Law,

I could have had my choice of any high-paying corporate jobs,

but I chose to move back here and work in this community.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Because I care deeply about what matters

to the good people of the ninth district.

Now, are there any issues you'd like to see addressed?

- Why does my knee click? - I can't find my keys!

None of these women wanna fuck me.

Interesting.

Let me get back to you on those.

Anyone else? - This is my chance.

Hey, Mr. Bridges.

Um, my name is Kevin Hart, honor roll student

at Wilson Goode Middle School. My picture's on the wall.

I'm not bragging.

I just want to say that our indoor pool was shut down

due to city budget cuts.

What are you planning to do about reopening it?

Young man, I see this is something

you care deeply about.

I congratulate you on your passionate advocacy

for your community.

There's no way he's going to say "but"

after all that wind-up. - But...

Damn it!

A pool isn't an issue with a large constituency.

Less than 5% of the district even knows how to swim.

Yeah, but with the pool shut down,

the number is only going to get worse.

And I mean--

Now, let's focus on the problems that affect everyone.

What are your other concerns, folks?

I am Nancy Hart,

chairwoman of the Neighborhood Improvement Committee.

With a sexy, single best friend

who's available to work the polls for you.

Mrs. Hart, how can I help you today?

Mm, when did it get so hot out here?

Would you be willing to look at this list

of issues we've come up with?

Perhaps address a meeting of our committee sometime?

- I've got time right now. - Sure, yeah.

Listen to the grown woman who votes.

Stupid politician.

I always enjoy personal one-on-one interactions

with my constituents. - Hey, hey.

Get the cameras over here.

The potholes are so deep

that Chinamen are popping out of them?

Oh, no, that one wasn't from me.

That--that was Mrs. Old Lady's.

Don't mind her. She sees Chinamen everywhere.

Oh, they are everywhere.

Last night, one of them pooped in my bed.

Very concerning.

Bridges doesn't care about the pool

because he feels like he's already got

the minority vote on lock.

Well, maybe the old white man will listen.

He's the one who shut it down.

Really? Damn.

Now I'm starting to think these white politicians

really don't have our best interests at heart.

Well, we got to find a candidate

who cares about the pool, who isn't 12 years old...

By any means necessary.

Son, looks like you smell opportunity--

or burnt toast.

You having a stroke? - Dad, you can speak for me.

You should run against that guy.

Me? Why would I do that?

It'll force him to listen about the pool.

And Mom, well, then she'll see that you're improving yourself.

It's a win-win.

Sounds like a lot of work-work.

But a'ight, I'll do it-do it. - And I'll help.

It'll be easy, Dad.

You know, in fourth grade, we did a book report

on how politics work. I'm pretty much an expert.

I believe with all my soul that I can propose

an exploratory study to earmark one half of 1%

of all transit fares to start a task force

to look into the feasibility of every last--

My bad.

Voters of Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart,

and my dad, Henry, is running for city council.

What in the hell?

Mr. Hart is the only candidate

who cares about the important issues.

Mention the pool. - What pool?

The pool the city shut down.

Mr. Hart, are you a serious candidate

or a straw man put up by your son to advance

his personal agenda? - Straw man?

I ain't no pussy.

I drink beverages out of my hand.

Enough with the politics of personal destruction.

Let's bounce, Oscar.

You gots to jiggle it, Oscar.

You'll flood the engine.

Mrs. Hart, don't tell me that man is related to you.

- Oh, shit! - Only by alcohol.

Okay, Dad, look, your campaign launch

was more of a flop.

Don't worry. It's okay.

It's nothing that we can't overcome.

So now what I've been doing is

I've been running the numbers, and here's what--

Who's running numbers in my town without giving me a cut?

I will fuck you up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.

Hold on now. Back off, Chancey.

My boy is talking about election numbers.

Threat to fuck you up withdrawn.

Dad, that is it, okay.

That's the fire that you need to get

our pro-swimming-pool message out.

Aw, face it, Kev.

I ain't got no fire for politics.

It makes me sleepy.

Two balls in the side pocket.

Okay, Dad, look.

Now, I wasn't going to tell you this.

I'm just going to be honest with you.

I think Mom got a thing for Coleman Bridges.

I mean, she did invite him to come over tomorrow night.

At my house that I ain't welcome at no more?

Over my dead, beautiful body. - That's it, Dad.

Fight for your marriage. Fight for your son.

Fight the power. - I will.

You know what I'm going to do, Dad?

I'ma go write a speech for that.

Where'd he go?

- Ooh, I will fuck him up. - Uh-oh.

Well, my brothers, I think you'll find

my Correct the Correctional System plan

is a step toward greater parity in sentencing guidelines.

But my question was about starting

a prisoner-on-prisoner speed dating program.

- Stay away from my woman. - I am not your woman.

Brother, I think you have the wrong idea.

So my woman not good enough for you?

- Dad, don't do it. - I don't care.

I am going to be heard.

Don't let this college phony bamboozle you

with slick promises.

He just want one thing from you.

Yeah!

He don't care about your needs.

But I do. - Tell him, Henry.

- Dad, Dad. - Goddamn.

This Hart guy has fire in his belly.

That's because he probably just drank lighter fluid.

He's really connecting to the voters on a personal level.

Yeah, yeah, he's not your average politician.

He actually cares.

I will move heaven and earth to make you have faith in me.

That's what I'm talking about.

I will service you passionately,

paying attention to your underdeveloped zones.

- Whoo-hoo! - We will come together.

And when the job is finished, I promise you,

I will not just fall asleep.

This guy's campaigning our brains out.

Anybody got a cigarette?

Henry! Henry! Henry!

Okay, back to the actual issues.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

You got Mom's attention now.

Now, you just got to keep it up, that's all.

Yeah, buddy. I'ma keep on keeping on.

Great.

Well, now, just read what I wrote for you,

and then you'll do great.

My name is Henry Hart, and I want

to restore our community pool

and serve you with passion and diggity.

And he's gonna win this race one vote at a time.

Though I'd be okay if you vote for me all at once.

♪ Stand up ♪

♪ And we can do whatever ♪

♪ Whatever we want ♪

♪ If we got love ♪

♪ Ooh, keeping us strong ♪

♪ Yeah, we got love ♪

♪ We can never go wrong ♪

♪ Don't you know we gotta stand up ♪

♪ We gotta get together as one ♪

♪ Don't you know we gotta stand up ♪

♪ We can do whatever ♪

♪ Whatever we want, yeah ♪

Henry! Henry! Henry!

I don't get this.

This man-of-the-people approach is working for him.

We've been running the numbers, and he's gaining on us.

Who's been running numbers on my turf?

I will kill you, motherfuckers.

♪ Don't it feel so good, feel so good ♪

♪ Don't it feel so good? ♪

Bougie motherfucker!

Can I count on you to support Coleman Bridges

at the debate tomorrow?

You voting for who?

Yes, he is my husband.

It's none of your damn business.

Dad, you got my vote.

Kev, you're a smart boy.

Why are you wasting your time on this ridiculous stunt

your no-good father is pulling?

Yeah, well, I could ask you

why you support a phony who only cares about

getting his face on TV.

But I won't. - Yeah, I thought so.

Ooh.

He's here. Just a second.

Get rid of that poster and get rid of you.

And answer the door before you get out of here.

Mr. Hart, where'd your mom go?

- She's making herself pretty. - No, I'm not.

I'm glad I ran into you.

I want to say congratulations.

You've led an impressive campaign for your father.

You remind me of a young me, passionate and dedicated

to helping the people. - Yeah.

So--so what happened to you?

You're funny.

You've really been taking me to task

with all that bougie stuff.

Hey, look, as Malcolm X said, politics isn't patty cake.

No, it is not.

I came here tonight to talk to you.

- Me? - You got my attention.

I know all you care about is that pool,

and I can get it for you if you get your father

to drop out of the race.

Okay, wait a minute. Man, I can't do that.

I mean, my dad's doing so well right now.

And he's happy.

I mean, he stopped drinking mostly.

He's showering on a semi-weekly basis.

And he's actively considering wearing

drawers under his sweatpants.

Let's get realistic. Your father can't win.

But he can take enough votes from me

so that the old white man wins.

Then the whole community loses. - But--

You know I'm right.

Get your father to drop out, and the pool will go right

to the top of my agenda.

Ready to discuss the issues.

Ooh, look at the time. I'm so sorry.

I've got to get ready for the debate tomorrow.

Good night.

What did you say to make him leave?

I didn't say anything.

Enough with them stupid, cockblocking kids.

So in conclusion, conclusion to come.

Pretty good closing statement, Dad.

You damn right.

And once I think of something for intro to come

and middle to come, we gonna be all set.

Hey, Kev, you ready to watch your daddy shine?

Okay, Dad, let's sit down and talk.

What's up?

You know, these past couple of weeks, Dad,

you made Mom see you doing better.

I mean, you got Bridges to understand

the importance of the pool.

And you've--you've run a great campaign.

Thanks, son.

No way you're gonna say "but" after that set-up.

- But... - Damn it.

Dad, this is hard.

And thus, with just a few tiny changes

to the tax schedule, we could find our way

to fiscal solvency, a'ight?

You know what I'm saying, my--

I am not using that word.

Impressive pandering, Mr. Bridges.

Councilman McFitz Williams, would you care to respond?

Why do I have to be here?

Why can't I just get elected unopposed like the last 26...

There's something about him that says "trustworthy."

Mr. Hart, your opening statement.

I have been advised by my campaign chairman

that in the interest of ensuring

a Black candidate can win

and in the interests of ensuring

that my wife lets me back in the house again,

I should drop out the race.

Whew. Thank you, Lord.

- No! - Don't do it!

But you was gonna help me get some pussy!

I applaud Mr. Hart for realizing

that the people of this district

need a proven leader and not an unwashed alcoholic

who doesn't regularly wear underdrawers.

Oh, Lord. It's out in the open.

How dare you say those truths about me?

Who told you that? - I did.

But I didn't think that he would say it

in front of the entire city.

You betrayed a kid?

Well, then I'm officially un-dropping out, back in.

I don't think you'll be any better for us

than that ghost over there.

Who is he talking about?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

There's no need to get personal, sir.

You just a phony-ass brother

that only cares about getting over on us.

You might as well be white.

This phony ass about to beat your ashy ass,

you raggedy old bastard.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Dad!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Wow.

Bridges is finally showing some spirit.

Man, this Coleman dude is campaigning with his fists.

Ooh.

Oh, shit.

The white guy's dead.

They gonna think we killed him.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

The votes are almost in

for the ninth district council race.

Hey, Henry, they got your best booking photo.

Hey, where is he? - He's not here.

And I haven't seen him since the debate.

Not that I blame him.

In a stunning but not unexpected development,

the projected winner is incumbent councilman

Liam McFitz Williams, who passed away

last week at the age of 104.

Four? Is that true, Larry?

How can--oh, wow. Okay.

State law says that the office goes to

the second-place candidate, Coleman "The Fighter" Bridges.

Yes, that's my councilman.

- Ah, what the hell? - These numbers don't add up.

I'd like to thank everyone for your support

and Councilman McFitz Williams

for so graciously dropping dead.

I mean, dropping out of the race.

My first and top priority will be the pool...

Well, there's no way he's going to go back

on his word after that set-up.

Of candidates for the U.S. Senate.

Damn it.

I am running to represent you in Washington.

Man, this guy's phony as a $3 bill.

Goddamn, he is full of shit.

Kevin, I'm sorry.

I should have listened to you about that Bridges man.

Maybe he is just a phony climber

who don't really care about us.

That's okay, Mom.

I mean, that dude is mighty slick.

I just feel bad for what I did to Dad.

I sure do hope he doesn't hate me.

- Hey, Kev! - Hey, Dad.

Look, I just want to say I'm sorry about everything.

It's 'cause of me you got beat up

and everybody laughed at you and you look like a chump.

Oh, please, son.

That happens to me every Thursday.

Would you please take this outside?

This is all because of that stupid pool.

I don't even care about it anymore.

Aw, come on now. Don't say that.

Because that would mean all of this

was done for nothing.

What? How?

Because your father had been helping other people,

amen, when they heard he needed help, amen,

they came running. Amen.

It's like if "It's a Wonderful Life"

had any Black people in it.

And that's all because of you, Kev.

You inspired me to inspire them.

All right, now. Everybody in the pool.

Cannonball!

I'm about to lose my third-ginity.

I'm about to get the deep end.

- Kind of cold. - It's bath time.

Cannonball!

- Let a old man swim. - Yeah.

All right. - Black swan!

- Oh, my. - Whoo!

- Aw, yeah. - Oh!